if you knew someone was cheating would you tell? [Archive]

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eroticjoy

01-30-2006, 02:17 PM

frogjr47

01-30-2006, 02:49 PM

i think u would be wrong to tell let them find out themselfs

frogjr47

01-30-2006, 02:51 PM

sometimes people make things look worse than they really are

frogjr47

01-30-2006, 02:51 PM

ive had people tell my wife things that never happened

Zpanther

01-30-2006, 02:55 PM

A long time friends of my sons came over with him this weekend. and was telling me he knows his dad is cheating on his mom. He asked me if he should tell his mom or just let her find out on her own. What would all of you advise him to do?

Well if it's bothering him and he's gonna tell anybody, he probably ought to tell his Dad he knows.

You didn't ask that young man for his Dad's work number didja?

01-30-2006, 03:00 PM

I would advise him to ask him is Dad if it's true, and perhaps it would give both an opportunity to have a discussion about relationships, marriage, communicating.

Barkiss

01-30-2006, 03:01 PM

Agreed Jazzy. I would not dare tell him to go to his mother. That situation is between mother and father and getting the child involved could only lead to major problems.

eroticjoy

01-30-2006, 03:04 PM

Well if it's bothering him and he's gonna tell anybody, he probably ought to tell his Dad he knows.

You didn't ask that young man for his Dad's work number didja?

I had thought about asking for his dads number .... ya know ...just to see if i could find out if he was the 'cheating' type or not.... lol

eroticjoy

01-30-2006, 03:07 PM

ive had people tell my wife things that never happened

I think the son is definatly sure... he said he saw his dads car at a motel when he was suppose to be at work ... guess he parked where he wouldnt be seen and waited and saw them come out of the room together ...kissed her at the car and they parted ways. ... sound s pretty undeniable to me.

eroticjoy

01-30-2006, 03:08 PM

I would advise him to ask him is Dad if it's true, and perhaps it would give both an opportunity to have a discussion about relationships, marriage, communicating.

that was my original thought of advice.. but wanted to get some other input.. would hate to tell the kid the wrong thing to do...

01-30-2006, 03:09 PM

I'm curious though, how old is this son and his friend? Are we talking about a young boy? Or a grown man?

pastryman

01-30-2006, 04:12 PM

I would tell the kid to have a chat with his dad....but I would never involve myself in someone elses problems.....have enough of my own..lol

eroticjoy

01-30-2006, 04:19 PM

I would tell the kid to have a chat with his dad....but I would never involve myself in someone elses problems.....have enough of my own..lol

i agree on having enough of my own... but i think its different if its just a 'friend' or when its your parents... I think if its bothering him so much which it seems to be.. he needs to talk to his dad too.

eroticjoy

01-30-2006, 04:20 PM

on the other hand.. if one of my kids knew my husband was cheating on me ide want them to tell me.. is that double standards???

pastryman

01-30-2006, 04:22 PM

well listen I'm we would all want to know...but like I said he should try talking to his dad and see where it gets him at least he gets it off his chest

01-30-2006, 05:28 PM

I wouldn't want to hear it from my child. I'd want to hear it from hubby or a close friend if I had to hear such horrible news at all.

eroticjoy

01-30-2006, 05:35 PM

I wouldn't want to hear it from my child. I'd want to hear it from hubby or a close friend if I had to hear such horrible news at all.

I wouldnt want to hear it from my child either... but wouldnt you be upset if you found out he knew about it and didnt tell you?

01-30-2006, 05:40 PM

Honestly? No, I wouldn't. Passing along bad news can be daunting and painful. I would understand if he couldn't bring himself to tell me, knowing it was because it was out of concern, not to betray me.

KIRA187

01-30-2006, 05:47 PM

A long time friends of my sons came over with him this weekend. and was telling me he knows his dad is cheating on his mom. He asked me if he should tell his mom or just let her find out on her own. What would all of you advise him to do?

Wow, that is a tough situation to be in for the kid. Several thoughts run through my mind about this.
First, how old is the kid? Then how well does he get along with the dad? If he is old enough and feels comfortable talking to his dad about it then I might suggest the two fo them talk it out.
How well do you know the parents? Seeing that the kid felt comfortable telling you this, would you in turn feel comfortable going with him to tell his mom?

Man, the more I think about it that is a real tough thing for the kid to harbor inside and not be able to say anything. I wish him luck in his decision.

eroticjoy

01-30-2006, 05:48 PM

most of you have said the same thing. thanks .. think i'll advise him to talk to his dad about it. Hes close to them both. he was 'crying' when he was telling me about it.

KIRA187

01-30-2006, 05:49 PM

I would advise him to ask him is Dad if it's true, and perhaps it would give both an opportunity to have a discussion about relationships, marriage, communicating.
Good thought Jazz but it depends on the relationship they currently have. If it is a good open relatioship it might be good for them to air it out. On the otherhand, this is like a keg of dynamite ready to explode.

eroticjoy

01-30-2006, 05:55 PM

Wow, that is a tough situation to be in for the kid. Several thoughts run through my mind about this.
First, how old is the kid? Then how well does he get along with the dad? If he is old enough and feels comfortable talking to his dad about it then I might suggest the two fo them talk it out.
How well do you know the parents? Seeing that the kid felt comfortable telling you this, would you in turn feel comfortable going with him to tell his mom?

Man, the more I think about it that is a real tough thing for the kid to harbor inside and not be able to say anything. I wish him luck in his decision.

Hi Kira.. and nice to meet you.. the kid is 25.. and as i just posted very close to both parents. i know hes torn up about it. I've met them both a few times but not real close. She might really resent him telling me..I know myson would go if he needed support. but i think it would make either of them more uncomfortable if he felt he had to bring someone else along. no decision or advise is going to be an easy way out. but i do think he has to talk to one of them and leaning more towards his dad. I have alot of my kids friends on yahoo messenger that i talk to all the time.. hes one of them. I'll probably talk to him later this evening about it .. thanks for the input.

Sunfiresix

01-30-2006, 08:11 PM

I have to go along with tha thought, He should approach his Dad and tell him he knows and what he feels, at least get it out in the open. Hopefully fobodys feelings get permenatly hurt. Good Luck.

eroticjoy

01-31-2006, 01:48 PM

UPDATE...

Well i spoke to him (Jeff) last night. he told his dad he knew. His dad explained to him that his mother had lost all desire for sex in their marriage (sounds like mine.. lol..but not me.. him...) anyway... this was his reasoning for his actions. Jeff ask him if his mom already knew.. his dad told him no because if she did she would want a divorce. he ask jeff if he really wanted his parents to divorce... which jeff doesnt... so now jeffs back at square one. i really feel for the guy and have no idea what advice to give him from here on out.

spare_change

01-31-2006, 02:39 PM

hank69

01-31-2006, 03:23 PM

I would'nt tell that bad news.....noway......nohow.......not me ...said the....ohhh you know

KIRA187

01-31-2006, 03:31 PM

Actually, it's quite simple ---- none.

He's dealing with it, and his father is dealing with it. In short, it's none of your business. Wish him luck, pat him on the ass, and send him on his way.

That would be the easy way out now wouldn't it! If he was dealing with it then he wouldn't have come to joy looking for advise and guidance from somehwere OR someone.

He is a grown man and I am sure understands the circumstances but doesnt want his parents to divorce and doesnt want to see his mom be taken advantage of by her husband's cheating.

KIRA187

01-31-2006, 03:39 PM

01-31-2006, 03:41 PM

He's not at square one. He and his Dad are communicating, which is what's required. As long as he feels he can talk to his Dad about it, then they'll get by.
The thing is, no one likes to see their parents get divorced, at any age, but it's a hard fact of life. But he's a young man now, and has to accept whatever decision his parents make, and support them both.
My own Dad had an affair when I was younger. Did I agree with his decision? No. Did I understand why he did it? Absolutely. Did I have any say about it? No, but I did tell him when it started affecting my life directly, when he and Mom were screaming about it late at night. I was 12 when it started. This guy is 25, and probably not living at home. He can handle this. The best thing for you to do is listen, be a shoulder to cry on, and bake cookies.

UPDATE...

Well i spoke to him (Jeff) last night. he told his dad he knew. His dad explained to him that his mother had lost all desire for sex in their marriage (sounds like mine.. lol..but not me.. him...) anyway... this was his reasoning for his actions. Jeff ask him if his mom already knew.. his dad told him no because if she did she would want a divorce. he ask jeff if he really wanted his parents to divorce... which jeff doesnt... so now jeffs back at square one. i really feel for the guy and have no idea what advice to give him from here on out.

Barkiss

01-31-2006, 03:46 PM

He's not at square one. He and his Dad are communicating, which is what's required. As long as he feels he can talk to his Dad about it, then they'll get by.
The thing is, no one likes to see their parents get divorced, at any age, but it's a hard fact of life. But he's a young man now, and has to accept whatever decision his parents make, and support them both.
My own Dad had an affair when I was younger. Did I agree with his decision? No. Did I understand why he did it? Absolutely. Did I have any say about it? No, but I did tell him when it started affecting my life directly, when he and Mom were screaming about it late at night. I was 12 when it started. This guy is 25, and probably not living at home. He can handle this. The best thing for you to do is listen, be a shoulder to cry on, and bake cookies.

Damn...twice in two weeks I agree with you!!! Amazing...

The last thing that either of these men need is someone else interferring. Putting myself into "Jeff"'s shoes, I think I would just want to have someone to talk to...Sometimes we try to solve problems when the best advice is no advice...

01-31-2006, 03:52 PM

Exactly. An open door and an open ear go a long way to helping someone through a tough time.

spare_change

01-31-2006, 04:11 PM

That would be the easy way out now wouldn't it! If he was dealing with it then he wouldn't have come to joy looking for advise and guidance from somehwere OR someone.

He is a grown man and I am sure understands the circumstances but doesnt want his parents to divorce and doesnt want to see his mom be taken advantage of by her husband's cheating.

Actually, your comment is quite fallacious. I am continually amazed at how people think they have the right to interfere in someone else's life - even when they are asked. The "boy" - let's put that to bed right now -- this isn't a kid -- this is a 25 year old man. The "man" asked joy for advice, and she gave it. BUT, I guarantee the father didn't ask for Joy to get involved, and you can be damn sure his mother didn't ask either. So, encouraging the "man" to talk to his father was appropriate. Maybe his mother DOES know, and chooses to turn a blind eye to it, and when the "man" brings it up, she will be forced to face something she isn't ready to deal with.

However, they have put the issue on the table, and they are working thru it. There is no way that any person who doesn't live in that house can understand the true dynamics of the relationships between the three people involved. Maybe, if you heard the father's story, the advice would be different than if you judged him from a strictly puritannical point of view (which, frankly, most people who made recommendations did). You assume that the father has guilt he transferred to his son -- I can think of a thousand reasons why he would have an affair and have NO guilt. Maybe, his insistence that his wife not be told is a purely financial one. Who knows? I don't -- but then, I'm not giving him advice. You don't -- but, you are willing to.

So, you have a 50-50 chance, at best, of giving the "man" good advice. Are you willing to gamble that family's future on odds like that? Because, that's exactly what the "man" would be doing if he listened to you.

As we know from the discussions here, most often there are usually only two reasons to expose the dark underbelly of our lives to people not involved.

The first -- sometimes, we just want someone to listen, to understand our pain, commiserate with us, give us a shoulder to cry on. They don't want your advice --- they want your pity.

The second -- they just want you to affirm that what they are going to do is okay. They don't want your advice, they want your approval.

Why are we always so willing to give advice?? Because it makes us feel superior -- because we know it means there must be at least one person in this world worse off than we are.

A crying shame, ain't it?

spare_change

01-31-2006, 04:12 PM

Damn...twice in two weeks I agree with you!!! Amazing...

The last thing that either of these men need is someone else interferring. Putting myself into "Jeff"'s shoes, I think I would just want to have someone to talk to...Sometimes we try to solve problems when the best advice is no advice...

What an amazing piece of wisdom and insight. I am blessed to stand in your shadow. Well done!

KIRA187

01-31-2006, 05:31 PM

Actually, your comment is quite fallacious. What part is fallacious? I am continually amazed at how people think they have the right to interfere in someone else's life - even when they are asked. I simply made a statement! Joy was asking for advise and I gave it. The "boy" - let's put that to bed right now -- this isn't a kid -- this is a 25 year old man. I agree with you completely. He is a man and I never called him a “boy”. But if you see one give a holler!!! The "man" asked joy for advice, and she gave it. In stead of calling him “man” how about his name… If Jeff continues to bring up the topic to Joy what is she supposed to do?? Pat him on the ass and say run along to someone who gives a shit!!!??? Leave the room and not come back?? Tell her son not to bring his friend around anymore?? BUT, I guarantee the father didn't ask for Joy to get involved, and you can be damn sure his mother didn't ask either. No arguments there!! So, encouraging the "man" to talk to his father was appropriate. Maybe his mother DOES know, and chooses to turn a blind eye to it, and when the "man" brings it up, she will be forced to face something she isn't ready to deal with. Again no arguments!!

However, they have put the issue on the table, and they are working thru it. It is the wrong two people who have put in on the table. There is no way that any person who doesn't live in that house can understand the true dynamics of the relationships between the three people involved. Three times in one post I agree with you!! Mark it on the calendar! Maybe, if you heard the father's story, the advice would be different than if you judged him from a strictly puritanical point of view (which, frankly, most people who made recommendations did). My statement was not one of judgment or based solely on puritanical beliefs but of stating the fact. You assume that the father has guilt he transferred to his son -- I can think of a thousand reasons why he would have an affair and have NO guilt. Well you are right, maybe the dad has no guilt. But by asking his son not to tell the mom and leaving the son to seemingly hang and feel the weight of this situation that he unfortunately has knowledge of is no better. Maybe, his insistence that his wife not be told is a purely financial one. Who knows? I don't -- but then, I'm not giving him advice. You don't -- but, you are willing to. I consider my comments more as showing concern for Jeff and his situation and offering any support that I could if he came to me.

So, you have a 50-50 chance, at best, of giving the "man" good advice. Are you willing to gamble that family's future on odds like that? Because, that's exactly what the "man" would be doing if he listened to you. And what odds would you give of that marriage lasting anyways?? Jeff was crying as he talked about it with Joy for Pete’s sake!!!

As we know from the discussions here, most often there are usually only two reasons to expose the dark underbelly of our lives to people not involved. Jeff didn’t expose anything to the group here. Joy was asking for advise on what she should do! You gave your advise by telling her to pat him on the ass and send him on his way!!!

The first -- sometimes, we just want someone to listen, to understand our pain, commiserate with us, give us a shoulder to cry on. They don't want your advice --- they want your pity. So you provide pity??

The second -- they just want you to affirm that what they are going to do is okay. They don't want your advice, they want your approval. If someone comes to me with a concern or a problem in their life I will listen, provide support in any way that I feel they need it.

Why are we always so willing to give advice?? Because it makes us feel superior -- because we know it means there must be at least one person in this world worse off than we are. I don’t claim to be superior but if I can help someone in any way possible that is what I will do.

A crying shame, ain't it? It sure is!!

MAMA ANGEL

05-26-2006, 09:11 PM

IF I WAS BEING CHEATED ON I WOULD WANT TO KNOW SO I WOULD TELL.:spbx:

cherokeered

05-26-2006, 09:16 PM

rustynailsvacaville

06-02-2006, 07:42 PM

NEVER EVER EVER TELL 1st of all its really none of anyone business and 2nd most affairs are meaningless and will resolve themselves in a matter time...people need a break once in while and 75% of affairs most people realize what they have and dont want to lose it, and are very happy no one found out...and if some jackass went up to my wife and told her something like that, i would do everything i could to destroy that persons life and i am a pretty sane person....but really you could be responible for a chain of events that could have never happened....can u live with that, what if the person flipped out and shot themselves, or burned the house down...who knows better to keep out...

Penny

06-03-2006, 12:10 AM

I have to aggree with Rusty

Annie

06-03-2006, 12:59 AM

I think there are a whole lot of people who are very happy living in a state of denial and pretending nothing is wrong when they know they are being cheated on. They are happy as long as they are able to put up a really good front for all the neighbors to see. Some of them are the "perfect couple" with the "perfect children" and we know them as the Bree Van de Camps of our version of Whisteria Lane. The problem isn't them actually finding out, they really already know it deep inside, it comes from the fact that other's know what they have been hiding and covering up for. You haven't just destroyed the image they have been creating for themselves, you've exposed them too. This is when they crack!

cherokeered

12-21-2007, 08:36 PM

It would depend...if it was someone I hardly knew or didnt like...no

If it was a friend or a relative...I would be more inclined...once I had scoped out whether the person already knew or suspected and if they cared....
I might be more apt to confront the other party to give them a chance to come clean before I told on them.....

Cherokee....everything has a ripple effect...think before you speak...;)

Still think this way...look at it this way...if ur spouse was cheating on you and a friend or relative knew but siad nothing....would you be angry at this person for not saying anything???
Would you rather know and face it...or be oblivious ad the last to know....btw, the ostrich gets kicked in the butt a lot of times....:)

mithidraes

12-21-2007, 09:36 PM

Rather not know ..and i usually just mind my own bussiness because i work with a large group of women

UltimateNaneki

12-21-2007, 09:44 PM

I wouldn't tell but I would like to be the next one though :lmao

Mr.Big

12-22-2007, 01:13 AM

no because it might be with me....lol

SkiBum980

12-22-2007, 01:46 AM

That is a good question......I guess it would depend on who it was.....

cheerymissy_34

12-22-2007, 01:48 AM

I guess it would depend on who it was...but no i probably wouldnt

Huzyerdaddi

12-22-2007, 01:53 AM

Kind of like asking, "if trees could scream, do you think we would go around cutting them down?" Well, maybe, if they screamed all the time for no good reason.

OICurready4me

12-22-2007, 02:25 AM

Hell....I wouldn't tell. To me that is something between the two people who are in the relationship. As an outsider, it is difficult to say why they are cheating and what brought them to that point so who am I to judge them and what they are doing? What could be perceived as cheating may be an agreement between the spouses to have an open relationship and, if so, you could end up looking like a real ass if you brought up what was perceived of infidelity on either party. At the same time, a lack of trust between yourself and those parties could result from this interference into their personal lives and a good friendship could go down the tubes.

MWMandBored

12-22-2007, 09:21 AM

HMMM, very touchy situation.

I guess the first thing the boy should do is make sure he knows what he is talking about before he goes about telling anyone. It would be a worse situation if he told his mom only to find out that the relationship the dad was having was totally platonic.

Believe it or not, men and women can be just friends.

jonnym422

12-22-2007, 10:19 AM

Personally I think the 25 year old needs to get a grip on how he feels about it. If it bothers him that much then I think he needs to put the pressure back on his dad to be honest with his mother. Or he can just accept the fact that his parents relationship is not what he thought it was. They are still his mom and dad and does it really matter who they are sleeping with?

Masculinity

12-25-2007, 05:41 PM

I'd encourage to tell if he was absolutely sure... I'd encourage the guilty party to confess first though... Give them a chance to make things right.

It also depends on circumstances... is it a 1 time mistake, an ongoing thing...

Hard to answer ...

-Masculinity

simplygrace

01-01-2008, 11:58 PM

I was in that situation with my step-dad cheating on my mom. Of all times showed up at a bar when i turned 21 yrs old B-day bash with his secretary and said they were just friends and not to tell my mom. They were carrying on like a couple of teenagers, i was so embarressed. I know i should have told my mom right away but you also don't want to hurt the one you love. Eventually i did tell my mom and she already new and they were divorcing. So i would say yes tell. :cry: sad time in my life.

yaser

01-02-2008, 12:22 AM

If she cheats with me how can I tell to someone?

sunlover

01-04-2008, 10:49 AM

best thibg is not to say anything, keep out of others life might be better if you dont say a thing

JackofTrades103

02-13-2008, 09:16 AM

is it a man or women that is cheating? will she give me some to keep me quiet?

VeryBlueEyes

03-02-2008, 06:39 PM

that is not my palce to tell, my sister-in-law was cheating on my brother, it finally ended and to this day i have said nothing, i didn't see any good coming from it.

dcowboy09

03-02-2008, 06:44 PM

not my business to tell

scoobertina

03-02-2008, 07:03 PM

it is really none of my business... but I would tell...

OICurready4me

03-02-2008, 07:20 PM

I look at it as this....who am I to be the judge of anyone else's moral character on such an issue? Everyone has skeletons in their closet and what goes around comes around.

scoobertina

03-02-2008, 07:24 PM

true OIC... but if that person is a good friend of mine... I would want them to know... I would want to know... if someone was cheating on me... I would want to know...

UltimateNaneki

03-02-2008, 07:26 PM

Well I would not say anything, cause most probably they would be cheating with me...oopps!

sexytiger

03-02-2008, 07:26 PM

true OIC... but if that person is a good friend of mine... I would want them to know... I would want to know... if someone was cheating on me... I would want to know...

I am besides myself on this question.....My ex cheated with my sisters husband...that was along time ago and my sister is so happy with him...Now they are doing great.

private beaches

03-02-2008, 07:28 PM

I dont think I could mess with other people's business unless it was my own family, then it would be different I think.

Jabbuk

03-02-2008, 08:36 PM

My personal opinion is that you need to tell him to make his own decision. Do you want to bear the burden of the results of the decision? You will if you advise him. As for the decision itself? Perhaps she knows it but refuses to acknowledge it and to bring it into the open will force the issue and destroy them. Let it be IMHO.

Llee

03-02-2008, 10:05 PM

I would advise him to talk to his Dad privately and explain what he knew if the Dad is any kind of a decent Dad he would explain his position and bring it to his wife himself, you'd be surprised what kids understand most know theres a problem before you think they do!!

bedroomboy

03-02-2008, 10:42 PM

personally id stay out of it, whichever way to advise him to go it will be wrong and its up to the dad to inform his wife not the child and if the child confronts his father, depending how they get on, could the father think his son is trying to blackmail him.
damn, now im bringing up more questions that would need answering