Why do people stay?

[eagle100]

If so many people are "stuck" in unhappy marriages and they have found someone with whom to have an affair, why do men and women stay in the unhappy marriages?
Why not leave and pursue the one they actually love?

[OnceAKing]

There's probably as many reasons as there are marriages...but I think it, for the most part, boils down to the fear of change and/or the fear of the unknown. Of course there are those who are staying in it for the kids or convenience I suppose but for those who can and yet won't make the change it's mostly fear, IMHO

[vicarious]

Complicated question.

Me, I stay for the kids, financial security, house, neighborhood, friends.

On a daily basis I weigh the pros and cons. It's a struggle. One day I'm content, the next day I'm miserable. But, I love my kids and it would be a hard transition to not see them every day.

If we divorced, we'd probably sell the house (I absolutely LOVE this house). Which would be very hard too. I'd lobby for me to keep it, but I'm sure it would be a hard sell.

So, I've come to the realization that I'm sure I'll divorce someday. Maybe when the kids are older and the housing market and economy rebounds. If I found someone that I fell in love with, I'm sure it would speed things up. But, I guess in my mind it's a battle of pros and cons. Right now it's about 65% bad if I divorced, 35% good.

But, I should also note that I don't think I'd remarry. I could be in a committed relationship, but marriage again...been there, done that.

NOTE: I'm not having an affair (yet). Just not happily married.

[Nomad(m)]

You guys ever heard of the saying...

Its cheaper to keep her?

[jmsmith12345]

You guys ever heard of the saying...

Its cheaper to keep her?

Yep, unless you have mafia connections. Then all you need is to repay the "favor".

BTW, you forgot an apostrophe in "Meredith's Panties"...I would want her killing you for having more than one Meredith.

[OnceAKing]

Yep, unless you have mafia connections. Then all you need is to repay the "favor".

BTW, you forgot an apostrophe in "Meredith's Panties"...I would want her killing you for having more than one Meredith.

LMAO JM about the time we joined I remember reading about somebody who was always correcting the grammer and perhaps spelling of other posts...not sure what happened to him, whether he just gave up or moved on...OMG don't tell me you're taking his job! lol

[Nomad(m)]

Yep, unless you have mafia connections. Then all you need is to repay the "favor".

BTW, you forgot an apostrophe in "Meredith's Panties"...I would want her killing you for having more than one Meredith.

LMAO, I have to admit I know only one Meredith, and since my education is all finance, give me some #'s and I am good, give me proper grammar, and I have to resort to spell check and my thesaurus.

[jmsmith12345]

LMAO JM about the time we joined I remember reading about somebody who was always correcting the grammer and perhaps spelling of other posts...not sure what happened to him, whether he just gave up or moved on...OMG don't tell me you're taking his job! lol

Nah, I am just trying to keep a friend from becoming a permanent fixture in a new construction project.

[pagirl]

Well there are many reasons, for me it's because my hubby is the first man to provide my girls with a father figure. (My girls are actually my nieces)... My hubby isn't horrible to me by any means, I just am not in love with him anymore. He kept me cooped up for so long... and we grew apart because I wanted to live and he wants to sit and watch TV. Don't get me wrong, I love sitting at home but not every damn night.

[eagle100]

There is a LOT to leave to go towards (she is amazing)
but the is also a LOT to stay for.

[Catman354]

Call me old fashioned,...But I believe that "for as long as you shall live" means just that. I made some really foolish choices when I was younger and they had a lot of negative effects, but I personally made up my mind that I would hold to that statement "as long as you both shall live".

Our society, is made up of many different people with different belief's, but an individuals word is their bond. What is the point of a contract, if going into that contract, you know that it will probably be void. What is the point of marriage if you know going into the marriage it will be void.

I understand that people grow apart, I've been married for 21 years and I've changed tremendously. But that doesn't change the promise I made to my wife and eventually my kids later in the same marriage.

[Luna]

I never had an affair, but I have stayed because I cared enough not to hurt him. It was also definitely fear that kept me here. To have the family unit, to keep my husband around my kids, our extended families, our friends and social life, the house, the financial support I have gotten used to. There are always many reasons to stay.. staying was much easier.

Now that I am actually leaving.. i must say that the fear is still there. And all the reasons I stayed are still clear.

I guess my reasons for leaving finally outweighed the reasons for staying.

[jmsmith12345]

Call me old fashioned,...But I believe that "for as long as you shall live" means just that. I made some really foolish choices when I was younger and they had a lot of negative effects, but I personally made up my mind that I would hold to that statement "as long as you both shall live".

Our society, is made up of many different people with different belief's, but an individuals word is their bond. What is the point of a contract, if going into that contract, you know that it will probably be void. What is the point of marriage if you know going into the marriage it will be void.

I understand that people grow apart, I've been married for 21 years and I've changed tremendously. But that doesn't change the promise I made to my wife and eventually my kids later in the same marriage.

Refer back to my post regarding mafia connections. :D

[TammyE]

I wonder this myself all the time. I guess I mainly stay because I still have two kids at home, and because of the financial implications. I've been having an affair for a year, though, and if he wanted me to leave to really be with him, I would. He's never really gotten into the reasons he won't leave his wife. His kids are grown and he has very young grandkids. It's probably still the family thing, though.

I recently talked to a guy that's been married for 13 years and has no kids and still stays, though. I feel like if I didn't have kids, the decision would be so much easier.

[FizProf]

Alas...I think "unhappy" is a rather vague phrase. In my case, my wife informs me that while she still loves me, she is no longer in love with me. She qualified this statement, however, by the observation that the emotional and physical excitement rarely lasts more than a year or two in any relationship. After that, common life goals, general affection for one another, and compatibility as housemates become the staple of the relationship, especially in a marriage.

But I am a man with the usual instincts, needs and flaws. After our baby was born in January, sex life became virtually non-existent, and time at home for me is generally dedicated to baby-sitting: I cannot do anything that requires real concentration...nothing work related or any of the old hobbies. So I drifted to this place, where I have found that feeling of excitement once again...I gather she felt the same way after a while. I don't think either of us will ever leave our spouses...we have proven, successful marriages that fulfill most of our needs...but not all...so we will both stay...and probably continue to flirt and maybe even have real affair(s) as occasions arise, deterred, nevertheless, by that scary emotional baggage associated with affairs.

I suppose this is why there are anonymous sex buddy clubs...
(what was the name of that Hugh Jackman, Ewan MacGregor and Michelle Williams movi called?)...

I am neither proud nor ashamed of what I am doing...
But for the most part my marriage gives me what I want and need in the long term

But Deb: I am still madly in love with you...you still give me the butterflies when you come online...

[gdgrlgnbd]

Fear is a biggie, fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, fear of being blamed for breaking up a family, fear because u no longer have family of your own to help, emotionally, financially or whatever.
Getting overly comfortable in your situation and saying this is the best there is and the best I will ever have.
It is no easy decision and not one to take lightly for sure.

[92115guy]

Call me old fashioned,...But I believe that "for as long as you shall live" means just that. I made some really foolish choices when I was younger and they had a lot of negative effects, but I personally made up my mind that I would hold to that statement "as long as you both shall live".

Our society, is made up of many different people with different belief's, but an individuals word is their bond. What is the point of a contract, if going into that contract, you know that it will probably be void. What is the point of marriage if you know going into the marriage it will be void.

I understand that people grow apart, I've been married for 21 years and I've changed tremendously. But that doesn't change the promise I made to my wife and eventually my kids later in the same marriage.

But is marriage a "contract"? I mean that makes it sound like it's a business deal of some sort. If your marriage has gone sour and you can't work through it then what's the point of staying and making everyone unhappy? Think kids can't sense unhappiness? They do and that just makes more people unhappy. That is not to say that you shouldn't take marriage seriously but that you shouldn't stay in a bad one simply for the sake of keeping your promise. Sometimes you have to break a promise.

I don't think that anyone goes into marriage thinking it will fail though. I mean nobody goes into it with the intent of destroying that bond. But it does happen and it's ok if it does.

The way I see it is that if you've tried to work through the problems and you can't then you shouldn't stay together.

james

[Xanadu7]

It's kindof funny. When my father was 45 he ran off to California with a younger woman. It was pretty tough on me as a 17 yr old, and the whole family.

I never understood my dad's motives at the time, but now that I'm 46, I TOTALLY understand. But it would be a tragedy for me to bail on my 17 yr old (as well as the 14 yr old.)

Enjoying the fruits of a flirting site like this gives one a glimpse of what else is out there, and perhaps, who we really are on the inside.

[kaycee727(m)]

I did leave once for a year and came back for some real reasons. I am not sure if its really cheaper to keep her .I think my time is coming real soon.

[fever]

Out of respect for the question, I don't think this is REALLY the answer...but Nomad makes an excellent point...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TULYBRHBAs

[Krystal]

I stay because I can't afford to leave.