View Full Version : Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
I used to love this segment of SNL.
Have a favorite?
Or a better one of your own?
One of my favorites:
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?!
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, 'Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you.' So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.
Han Solo
12-16-2008, 08:54 PM
LOL...I LOVED that skit.............I seem to remember one, that I hope I'm remembering correctly
"A baby's face can say so much..................especially the mouth part of the face" :sg
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Han Solo
12-16-2008, 08:59 PM
OK, I can't remember it exactly without googling it....but wasnt' there one that ended with.........."Because Hey...Free Dummy"??:sc
Lacey
12-16-2008, 10:23 PM
"I bet the main reason police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff,then,when somebody comes up,act like they just woke up and go,"What was That!?"
Lacey
12-16-2008, 10:26 PM
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and let the hostages laugh too,because,come on, life is funny!
Han Solo
12-16-2008, 10:31 PM
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
Constance
12-16-2008, 10:31 PM
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Thats horriable to tell a child that. Maybe you should tell him that God crys because the world is so f__k up and he gave us a choice and look what we have done with it. I don't know, maybe just a thought.
Han Solo
12-16-2008, 10:36 PM
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
Han Solo
12-16-2008, 10:37 PM
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
You know one thing that will make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
Lacey
12-16-2008, 10:40 PM
Thats horriable to tell a child that. Maybe you should tell him that God crys because the world is so f__k up and he gave us a choice and look what we have done with it. I don't know, maybe just a thought.
What in the world are you talking about? Research what the thread is about...if you don't know the "Jack Handy" skits....before you attack someone.....
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Constance
12-16-2008, 10:50 PM
What in the world are you talking about? Research what the thread is about...if you don't know the "Jack Handy" skits....before you attack someone.....
Sorry, but it was not a personal attack. I don't think about it that much. I just thought you should never tell a child anything like that. I would be mad if someone told my child that, wouldn't you? God does not cry for things children do, they are innocent. Just the way it is. Just my opinion there Lacy. Did not mean to offen=dt you personally, Just gave my point of view
Lacey
12-16-2008, 10:51 PM
Sorry, but it was not a personal attack. I don't think about it that much. I just thought you should never tell a child anything like that. I would be mad if someone told my child that, wouldn't you? God does not cry for things children do, they are innocent. Just the way it is. Just my opinion there Lacy. Did not mean to offen=dt you personally, Just gave my point of view
But it's a joke......No one would tell a child that....it's a joke!
That's all I'm saying...
Constance
12-16-2008, 10:58 PM
But it's a joke......No one would tell a child that....it's a joke!
That's all I'm saying...
I understand, I just would not want anyone to joke with my child, when it come to God. You know what I mean. No harm, just don't like jokes about God. Sorry, it is just something that bothers me.
I love the Lord and I can't Joke about him ever. He means to much to me. He has carried me when I did not even know it. Just something I feel strong about, thats all. No problem.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but decided to go home instead.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind".
Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean?
It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
sweet
12-19-2008, 03:08 PM
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out slam the door.
sweet
12-19-2008, 03:14 PM
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on his first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell.
When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left
on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's
head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot
better, and no harm done.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I
bet you can really see it in those genitals.
Singeon
12-20-2008, 08:11 AM
...the Base Baritone making his entrance with his balls in a wheelbarrow....nude Ballet maybe a little more of a spectacle...."Swan Lake" would be a smorgasboard of visual delights for the discerning theatre patron...
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
Tiglet
12-24-2008, 08:19 AM
I am LOVING this man! :lmao
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people.
Like I am now.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money.''
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
yaser
12-28-2008, 10:33 AM
This thread has been hi-jacked..
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
Icarus
12-30-2008, 09:04 PM
When you're at the playground giving out wedgies, try remembering that you to were once a defenseless child, unless the child has really big parents. If that's the case, watch out for the really big parents.
Icarus
12-30-2008, 09:06 PM
When I go out drinking, I like to get people to buy me drinks by telling them that my dog ran away, my wife is sleeping with the mail man and I just lost my job. Most of the time, it's not really lying, because I drink a lot.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
Sneaky
01-26-2009, 12:34 AM
I got this one in an e.mail today & had to post it....
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
sandycrotch
01-26-2009, 01:48 AM
It's funny that pirates were always running around searching for treasure and never stopped to realize that the real treasure was the memories they were creating.
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