I just don't know what to say to my friend :(

[Shiane]

I got some bad news from a friend of mine. Her mother had committed suicide. She and her mom were not very close. Her mother, divorced, unable to work for the past year was having a lot of financial difficulties. Her gas had been turned off in October, no heat, no hot water, not able to cook. Her house was being foreclosed on, her car repossed. My friend could not and would not help her. Apparently 2 weeks ago saturday on my friend's birthday her mother called and she didn't answer the phone, she left a message and my friend deleted it before she listened to it, she got a birthday card, she never returned her call to say she got the card. Last saturday she and her son found her mother dead from a self inflicted gun shot wound. There was a note that said I'm sorry to a friend, but I can't pay for the tv..... that was it, nothing else.

I know they did not have a good relationship, but now my friend is dealing with a horrible guilt that she was the one who pushed her mom over the edge. She broke my heart, I know she feels terrible and I just don't know what to say to her. I told her it was her mother's choice and I know she feels guilty, I love her and i'm sorry. I just can't find the words, I don't know what to say to her. In my heart I want to tell her it's not her fault but I know she will continue to blame herself, and I can understand why. The services are thursday, and other than telling her I love her and I will do anything I can to help her and be there for her, I dunno..... I just wish I could say something to help with the guilt.:cry:

[Penny]

Sometimes a hug is better than words

[sweetgapeach]

A good hug , sweety .
But she is so not to blame , suicide is such a selfish act , I am so sorry for her .

[Shiane]

You are so right, and thanks. I talked to her last night and she wanted to talk about it. I just listened... and I just am at a total loss for words..............

[sweet]

Sometimes it's hard to know what to say when someone you care about is going through a terrible time in their life. I'm sure we've all had to face something like this at least once in our lives. I would have to say that just being there for her, giving her a shoulder to cry on, and listening to her will speak volumes more than any words could ever express. All she really needs to know is that she is not alone in all of this.

Hugs to you girl. You are a great friend and she is lucky to have you.

:hug:

[sweetgapeach]

You are so right, and thanks. I talked to her last night and she wanted to talk about it. I just listened... and I just am at a total loss for words..............


I can imagine it is just as hard for you, I am so sorry sweety !!

[Annie]

You know, there are some things in life that our words just can't fix. This is one of those things. I am willing to bet that deep in her heart your friend knows she didn't cause this. She would probably be one of the first ones to tell you that you were not to blame if the shoe was on the other foot! To blame yourself is an emotional reaction and we can't always reason with emotions like this.

Hug your friend tightly, be there for her, keep listening, and know that only time can soothe this kind of pain. My prayers are with you both!

[G...G]

I think you are doing the right thing by just listening. After my son's girlfriend was killed back in October, ALL I wanted was for someone to listen. I have one friend who will just listen when I want to talk and it helps me more than anything!!!

[Zifnab]

The only words that need to be said are "I love you and am here for you." then listen. The guilt has to be felt, and experienced to its fullest or your friend will never have the closure to move forward. All the guilt of a lifetime needs to surface, so it can be examined, and put away in the right place. If ignored or pushed aside it will continue to fester. Encourage your friend to talk it out, even if there are so many sobs you can't understand.... it is not important for you to hear, just for them to have somewhere to talk.
May you find the peace you need to be strong,
and the strenghth you need to be at peace...

[Sandy]

your doing great, all you can di is be there for her, hug her and say i lov you, its not your fault, everything your already doing.

[spare_change]

Shiane ---

I can offer little other than what has been expressed here. Obviously, you are doing the right thing -- the only thing -- that you can do.

But, I did want to talk about your friend. Usually, the guilt we feel inside is justified, and no amount of platitudes or well-wishing will make it go away. Only we ourselves know what we did, what we could have done, and what we didn't do. Did your friend cause the suicide? Clearly not -- her mom made that decision. Did your friend contribute to the condition that caused her mom to make that decision? Just as clearly - yes, just as did all the other people in her mom's life.

Only in hindsight can we truly undersand the impact of our actions. We can never know when one word, one action, one hug will change the course of history. Who will ever know if answering a phone might have been the catalyst to reaching out and helping her mom.

There is nothing your friend can do now, except to deal with it. But, there is a lesson here for the rest of us -- don't let our own self-absorption blind us to the needs, and the cries, of our loved ones. Reach out - just as you are doing, hun -- but always reach out when called. Be aware of those cries -- respond to them. You never know.

What can you say to your friend? Not much, other than to offer that you will always be there for her. Can you give her absolution from her guilt? No -- only she herself can do that. All you can do is be the best friend you can be.

[Waltert]

There is no right thing to say, the important thing is to be there. Especially after the funeral when everyone elses life gets back to normal that is when it really hits.

Do reinforce what you said it was he moms choice. It was not one thing or one person. And you cannot know who will or will not do it. It is a personal choise and not anyone elses fault.

If you want to talk about this more privatly, PM me or Email me. I would be glad to talk more.

Most important be there for her.

[Waltert]

You are so right, and thanks. I talked to her last night and she wanted to talk about it. I just listened... and I just am at a total loss for words..............

Listening is usually more important than talking!

At this point she just needs to vent and talking about it helps formulate thoughts.

[G...G]

walter t is so right about being there after everyone gets back to their life. That is when it is the hardest and she will definately need you more than anything then

[Shiane]

A big thank You for all of you, it's evident you all are thinking more clearly than I am right now. I really appreciate all the advice. :kk

[Sunfiresix]

Shiane, I am so sorry to hear what happend. It sounds like what she needs is you friendship, and just to talk. She has a good friend in you --Good Luck Sweetie.

[Shiane]

Last tuesday was 1 month for my friend, she's still having a hard time with it. We talk about it, mostly I listen, theres just not a lot I can tell her except you can't blame yourself. This week she is going to a grief counselor, I hope it helps her.

I did do some searching and I found an organization called SOS Survivors of Suicide. I copied their 36 page booklet and gave it to her, they also have meetings twice a month with other survivors. It's a support group, she needs some advice from others who have delt with the guilt she is now dealing with. I included the schedule of the meetings too. I read the booklet and the main thing they try to convey is not letting the guilt overcome you. It goes into a lot of detail about the mental state of people who commit suicide, and even if you could talk to them before they did it you couldn't understand their state of mind, nor could you change it. All I know is that when someone ends their own life that itself is a tragedy, but the loved ones they leave behind sure have a lot more to deal with besides just death itself.

Anyway just wanted to say thanks again for all the advice from you guys. :wa: