Police Officer Quotes

[Trev]

So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor . . . The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh . . . did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poo."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and the best one . . .

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? . . You're right, we don't. . . . Sign here.

[Sandy]

i've heard all those trev, but i still like them.

[Sunfiresix]

Those were good Trev.

Years ago I was stopped by a cop who had followed me for almost three miles, durring that time the speed limit changed from forty to fifty-five, he stopped me a ways into the fifty-five area, I asked him why he followed me so long.--His answer you were going forty-five in the forty I wanted to see if you would go faster in the fifty-five --I got a ticket for the five mph in the forty, I wanted to call him a jerk.

[sweetgapeach]

Good one !! To funny !!

[sweetgapeach]

I got pulled over one time for speeding , He asked me if there was a problem . I said yes , I have a problem . He said Whats that? I said , I have a lead foot that hasbeen giving me problems today. But seems to be lighting up as we speak. He laughed and let me go. Just said , Dont let me get you again

[Cotties]

They're great Trev.........thanks....got any more

[Cotties]

sweetgapeach I've seen your photo. If you smiled at me and made me laugh I would probably let you go as well.;) I got pulled over one time for speeding , He asked me if there was a problem . I said yes , I have a problem . He said Whats that? I said , I have a lead foot that hasbeen giving me problems today. But seems to be lighting up as we speak. He laughed and let me go. Just said , Dont let me get you again

[spare_change]

I was driving in rural Pennsylvania once -- a cop was hiding by a bridge and clocked me doing 58 in a 55 mph zone. As he was writing out a ticket, he asked me what I did for a living. I told him I worked at the hospital in Philadelphia.

He asked me what I did there -- I told him that I worked in the proctology clinic as a sphincter stretcher. He asked me what a sphincter stretcher did -- I explained to him that it was my job to expand the sphincter as much as possible in preparation for tests.

When he asked me how I did that, I told that I first inset one finger and just move it around. When it loosens up, then i insert the second finger and repeat the process. Again, after it loosens, i put in a third finger and do it again. Eventually, I am able to get a whole hand in there, and then a second hand. I told that, in fact, I had once stretched a guy's sphincter until it was 6 foot tall!!

"My god," he asked, "what do you do with a six foot asshole."

"Give him a radar gun and tell him to hide by the fucking bridge."

The ticket cost me $100 plus court costs.

[meow meow]

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

Good one