Questions and Answers

[SirFox]

not knowing ones body is by not exploring it or your partners and i think the exploring eachothers bodys and minds is the greates thing and to exploer evry sexual position together , but there agin a lot of men and women are just to insecure to explore

am handing jazzy her soap box back now

There are so many reasons for that insecurity, for the inability to look at one's body, to test it and to do the same for another. If one cannot look at one's body how can he/ she even start to think that he/ she may want to explore another's body?

Until then it is just f- - k, f- - k and f- - k.

[tiger50]

I think your great Tiger but I don't hold much credibility


You are definetly not hung up about your sexual activities. You have to look life in the face with a smile. You mentioned your partners involvement, what more do people want.

I also like doggie style because its easier to imagine someone else while my partner is facing away. I wonder if my wife ever takes advantage of this?:hp:

lol mm thanks mate, no dont get hung up it here, ave been judged a bit , but what the hell....... think me and my lady and me have just about done everything we can imagine, doing to each other..... SOOOOO BLOODY GOOD...:lf

[sex_kitten_4u]

There are so many reasons for that insecurity, for the inability to look at one's body, to test it and to do the same for another. If one cannot look at one's body how can he/ she even start to think that he/ she may want to explore another's body?

Until then it is just f- - k, f- - k and f- - k.

very good point ffox and yes untill then it is just a f**k ,
i think everyone should learn to explore there body after all it is the only one you have , and then you can enjoy exporing your partners body and have the most wonderful experiances

[SirFox]

very good point ffox and yes untill then it is just a f**k ,
i think everyone should learn to explore there body after all it is the only one you have , and then you can enjoy exporing your partners body and have the most wonderful experiances

There are times when one wants to simply have sex and be animalistic about it. That can be great fun and so can waking your partner, getting her out of a stupor of sleep and right into a first climax of the day...
For that to happen however, one needs to know something about one's body and the other.
Not every one is made of the same stuff. Different things trigger different sensations...and feelings.

[Sunfiresix]

I agree with ffox I have always enjoyed waking my partner by gently touching and playing with her--The first orgasm and sex play of the day is so hot and erotic.

[jaina]

:55Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you
>were told about-Ratings at the bottom.
>
>1. Blackjack chewing gum
>2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
>3. Candy cigarettes
>4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
>5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
>6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
>7.. Party lines
>8. Newsreels before the movie
>9. P.F. Flyers
>10. Butch wax
>11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
>12. Peashooters
>13. Howdy Doody
>14. 45 RPM records
>15. S&H Green Stamps
>16 Hi-fi's
>17 Metal ice trays with lever
>18. Mimeograph paper
>19 Blue flashbulb
>20. Packards
>21. Roller skate keys
>22. Cork popguns
>23. Drive-ins
>24. Studebakers
>25. Washing machines with wringers; and washtubs for rinsing
>
>If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
>If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
>If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
>If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
>
>I might be getting older but those memories are the best part of my life

[Jy]

And you finally posted too Jaina! Woohoo!! Welcome to where the real action is sister!:wa:

[Norfolkdave]

Hello Jaina welcome to a Great Site where we are all ????? and friendly LOl, stay and post and enjoy.

[tiger50]

Hic, huh???? :drink:

[tiger50]

Hey how about how to keep a man happy....lol....
mmmm oops, nah not goin there.... :blowjob:

[tiger50]

mm think making a woman happy is an almost impossible thing, ang on, am guilty of generalising. yeh guys u can do it. If u have a lady that just wants ur love , its easy, Those that want all sorts of material things are a challenge, :sc

[sex_kitten_4u]

mm think making a woman happy is an almost impossible thing, ang on, am guilty of generalising. yeh guys u can do it. If u have a lady that just wants ur love , its easy, Those that want all sorts of material things are a challenge, :sc

Omg a man that actually gets it well done tiger :D

[tiger50]

Omg a man that actually gets it well done tiger :D

Aww thanks babe, yeh ave experienced both, some ladies are just special, and some just want.... XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX:wa:

[Sinjin Kane]

I got a passing grade of (14) Kitty got a passing grade of (16)

Way to go Jaina! Hope you have as much fun here as we are having!

Once last summer as we were going groceries shopping we had a can of individual wrapped beef jerky sticks, gave them to the kids so they would'nt be hungry when we got to the store, one of my sons then proceeded to ask for another "mono sue do stick" (mono sodium glutemate stick) we both broke out laughing, 'he's been at grandma to much nothing but fruit snacks there. Thats the day I felt old!

[Sinjin Kane]

iitss nottss tturee i hype justss finee.
One tequilla,two tequilla, three tequilla, FLOOR!!!
"You know you are drunk when you have to grab grass to keep from falling off the earth"
Barley, yeast, malt and hops...the four major food groups...Right?
Another great laugh...Smiles for miles!!!

[Norfolkdave]

iitss nottss tturee i hype justss finee.
One tequilla,two tequilla, three tequilla, FLOOR!!!
"You know you are drunk when you have to grab grass to keep from falling off the earth"
Barley, yeast, malt and hops...the four major food groups...Right?
Another great laugh...Smiles for miles!!!


" Wake up wake Up do you want some more!
Barley, yeast, malt and hops...the four major food groups...Right?
Come to my well and see a grand Sight:whee:

[sex_kitten_4u]

Ahh why not hun! your only as old as you feel, and today I feel like a telegram from the Queen:lmao

correction dave you are only as old as the person you are feeling :D

[Waltert]

16 but I already knew I was older than dirt!

[Sinjin Kane]

I have come to the thought that they seem never to be happy unless Im un-happy I think it makes them happy, "I need a boat"

[Penny]

I like boats :)

[Cotties]

Good call Sinjin.


My great great grandfather always told me, if you want to make a women happy you better know how to bullshit well.
I have come to the thought that they seem never to be happy unless Im un-happy I think it makes them happy, "I need a boat"

[Cotties]

A bit of wisdom from Tiger


shit you look good for 44.. did you enjoy your surprise party?
mm think making a woman happy is an almost impossible thing, ang on, am guilty of generalising. yeh guys u can do it. If u have a lady that just wants ur love , its easy, Those that want all sorts of material things are a challenge, :sc

[tiger50]

A bit of wisdom from Tiger


shit you look good for 44.. did you enjoy your surprise party?

yeh had the party mate. free piss an all, non of u guys turned up:cry: ....

[Cotties]

How was the ozzie open and the heat?yeh had the party mate. free piss an all, non of u guys turned up:cry: ....

[Shiane]

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal- the Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now...The Wax. This method was no different.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Came home, fixed dinner, played with the kids. It was only later, after they were in bed, that I had the idea that would prove to be my downfall: maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my imminent destruction, the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, no sirree; you just rubbed the strips together in your hand, they would get warm so that you could peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else), and the hair would come right off. No muss, no fuss. So I'm thinking, how hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly-girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. You'd think so, anyway.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It 's actually two strips
facing each other, stuck together. So instead of rubbing
them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax, my aunt Fanny. I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight, and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and seeker of smooth skin extraordinaire. And so I forge ahead. With my next wax strip, I move north. Then, after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair-fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIIPPPP!!!! I'm blind!!!!
Blinded from pain...OH, MY GOD!!!! Vision returning, I notice
that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. S**T!!!!
Another deep breath and RRRRIIIIPPPP. Everything is swirly and spotted...do I hear crashing drums?? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy- a wax strip covered
with the hairy pelt that has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my victory over body hair. Triumphantly, I hold up the strip. There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair?? Even more importantly, WHERE IS THE WAX?? Sowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair...the hair that should be on the strip. I touch it...I am touching wax. SHIT I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax...and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?

Well, I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!! I hear the slamming the cell door.

Vagina? Sealed Shut. Ass?? Sealed Shut!!
I penguin-walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and thinking to myself, Please don't get the urge to poop. Hell, my head may pop off. Then I realized....Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits, and the wax should melt. Then I can gently wipe it off, right?? WRONG. I
get in the tub-the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment-and I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub. God bless the man who convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom. I call my friend, thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret knowledge of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter: So, my butt and my hoo-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub... There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but at least she tries to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom: Are we talking cheeks or hole or what? She's laughing out loud by now; I can hear her. I give her the 4-1-1 on the situation, and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the wax-strip box. Yeah, right...I should be the high point of someone else's night. While we are going through various options, I am
resorting to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels
better than to have your girlie goodies covered in wax, glued
shut, stuck to the tub in super-hot water and then dry-shaved to get the sticky wax off. By now my brain is not working, my dignity has taken a major hike, and I am fast slipping into glazed-donut land. Then, as my friend is talking with me, my hand gropes around and finds the saving grace... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on, and OH MY GOD!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids,and I know it scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It really works!! I get an enthusiastic (relieved) congratulations from my friend, who then hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then realize, to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL
THERE...ALL OF IT!!!! So I shave it off.
Hell, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color :55

[Norfolkdave]

Find the answer to the following riddle:

Until I am measured
I am not known,
Yet how you miss me
When I have flown.

What am I!


I am always hungry,
I must always be fed,
The finger I lick
Will soon turn red.

Find a four-letter word from the following clues:

My first is in lemon but not in icing
My second is in song but not in singing
My third is in voice but never in choir
My fourth is in hired, fired and tired
My whole is powerful and desired
............................................Here is a clue to help, (We all seek it)

[Jy]

OMG Shiane!!!! I haven't laughed that loud in I don't know how long!!! Did you write that! That was hysterical!!!
Thank you!:kk



All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal- the Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now...The Wax. This method was no different.

Next week I'm going to try hair color :55

[pastryman]

Thats funny Shiane....very very funny

[belfast]

Very funny Shiane..painful but funny..cant wait for the hair coloring:wa: :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

The Rules for Being Human


You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a fulltime informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works."
A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive there are lessons to be learned.
"There" is no better than "here." When your "there" has become a "here" you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
Your answers lie inside you. The answer to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
This will often be forgotten, only to be remembered again.:sc

[sex_kitten_4u]

The Rules for Being Human

You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a fulltime informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works."
A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive there are lessons to be learned.
"There" is no better than "here." When your "there" has become a "here" you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
Your answers lie inside you. The answer to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
This will often be forgotten, only to be remembered again.:sc



oh how very true that is dave

[firefly]

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then realize, to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL
THERE...ALL OF IT!!!! So I shave it off.
Hell, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color :55




OMG Shiane....that was hysterical! :lmao

[Shiane]

OMG Shiane!!!! I haven't laughed that loud in I don't know how long!!! Did you write that! That was hysterical!!!
Thank you!:kk

Laffin here too and NO I didn't write it, but I cried from laughing so hard the first time I read it. A friend of mine at work sent it to me. I sent it to all my friends, I got so many phone calls, no one speaking just laughing and I knew they had gotten it. Glad you enjoyed it too!:kk After reading that I decided I would never do the at home waxing of my hoo ha.

[Wet Beaver]

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=8956862395592315116






You scored 56 %Lefty and 78 %Righty!

[firefly]

You scored 54 %Lefty and 80 %Righty!

With more artistic and creative flare, you are probably good at sports, and have good spatial awareness. Tempered with a pretty good ability to rationalise things. You are more of a big picture person, and less interested in the details. And you probably prefer spontenaity over careful planning. Its also easier for you to be hypnotised.

[KIRA187]

Balanced
You scored 63 %Lefty and 57 %Righty! Almost perfect, both your hemispheres are balanced. You can understand and accept both objectivity and subjectivity. You see possibilities and can make decisions. But there's still some room for improvement.

[Barkiss]

You scored 73 %Lefty and 66 %Righty!

You prefer logic, objectivity and reason over artistic value, subjectivity and emotions. Order and structure are very important in you life, but you might occasionly benefit from looking at the bigger picture. You probably also spend a lot of time on the telephone, chatting with friends. Its also somewhat more difficult for you to become hypnotised.

[Shiane]

You scored higher than 97% on Lefty
You scored higher than 28% on Righty
You scored higher than 97% on Divergence




Now someone explain what the hell this means:sc

lol heres the rest of it, sheesh my blonde roots are showing today.:whee:

You scored 84 %Lefty and 64 %Righty!

[Norfolkdave]

You scored higher than 11% on Lefty

You scored higher than 16% on Righty

You scored higher than 30% on Divergence

[hank69]

Balanced
You scored 63 %Lefty and 56 %Righty!
Almost perfect, both your hemispheres are balanced. You can understand and accept both objectivity and subjectivity. You see possibilities and can make decisions. But there's still some room for improvement.

[Shiane]

oh shit i'm a freak

[Norfolkdave]

oh shit i'm a freak

heh heh heh heh:lmao

[firefly]

oh shit i'm a freak

But we love you anyway! :kk
Besides you're our freak!

[Shiane]

lol well thank you!

[sex_kitten_4u]

Developed Left Bias
You scored 78 %Lefty and 56 %Righty!
You prefer logic, objectivity and reason over artistic value, subjectivity and emotions. Order and structure are very important in you life, but you might occasionly benefit from looking at the bigger picture. You probably also spend a lot of time on the telephone, chatting with friends. Its also somewhat more difficult for you to become hypnotised.




My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 89% on Lefty

You scored higher than 9% on Righty

You scored higher than 97% on Divergence

[Norfolkdave]

Brains as well as beauty then Sex kitten 4u...I knew it I knew it

[Norfolkdave]

And heres another..............

What is maturity

Knowing myself.
Asking for help when I need it and acting on my own when I don't.
Admitting when I'm wrong and making amends.
Accepting love from others, even if I'm having a tough time loving myself.
Recognizing that I always have choices, and taking responsibility for the ones I make.
Seeing that life is a blessing.
Having an opinion without insisting that others share it.
Forgiving myself and others.
Recognizing my shortcomings and my strengths.
Having the courage to live one day at a time.
Acknowledging that my needs are my responsibility.
Caring for people without having to take care of them.
Accepting that I'll never be finished -- I'll always be a work-in-progress.

[Annie]

Balanced
You scored 43 %Lefty and 52 %Righty!
Almost perfect, both your hemispheres are balanced. You can understand and accept both objectivity and subjectivity. You see possibilities and can make decisions. But there's still some room for improvement.

[spare_change]

Well Ballanced
You scored 71 %Lefty and 70 %Righty!
Congratulations, you have well developed skills in both hemispheres. You see an abundance of ideas and you can easily make plans without getting lost in possibilities. Both the details and the bigger picture are obvious to you. You can relate to almost anyone, and understand their perspective. Undoubtedly you are good at anything you set your mind to. It may also be possible to hypnotise you.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 76% on Lefty
You scored higher than 71% on Righty
You scored higher than 45% on Divergence

[Zpanther]

You scored 70 %Lefty and 70 %Righty!

Congratulations, you have well developed skills in both hemispheres. You see an abundance of ideas and you can easily make plans without getting lost in possibilities. Both the details and the bigger picture are obvious to you. You can relate to almost anyone, and understand their perspective. Undoubtedly you are good at anything you set your mind to. It may also be possible to hypnotise you.

How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 61% on Lefty

You scored higher than 66% on Righty

You scored higher than 36% on Divergence

[Sandy]

i scored 70 percent on left, 66 percent on right.

[Dre]

You prefer logic, objectivity and reason over artistic value, subjectivity and emotions. Order and structure are very important in you life, but you might occasionly benefit from looking at the bigger picture. You probably also spend a lot of time on the telephone, chatting with friends. Its also somewhat more difficult for you to become hypnotised.




My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 63% on Lefty

You scored higher than 18% on Righty

You scored higher than 84% on Divergence

[flamengo130]

I scored 39 left..74 right..25 divergence. I'll have my wife take this test when she gets home from work..see how we compare

[flamengo130]

very good dave..i'm passing the rules for being human onto my kids

[MCat]

Developed Left Bias
You scored 73 %Lefty and 61 %Righty! You prefer logic, objectivity and reason over artistic value, subjectivity and emotions. Order and structure are very important in you life, but you might occasionly benefit from looking at the bigger picture. You probably also spend a lot of time on the telephone, chatting with friends. Its also somewhat more difficult for you to become hypnotised.






My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:You scored higher than 66% on Lefty

You scored higher than 27% on Righty
You scored higher than 75% on Divergence

[Sunfiresix]

Once again another test to prove how screwed up I am.
You scored higher than 79% on Lefty
You scored higher than 48% on Righty
You scored higher than 79% on Divergence

[Waltert]

I use neither side of my mind!

[Sunfiresix]

Thats what bother me--I am out of mine--how did they get those figures?

[Cotties]

Shiane great story. I wish you had a few photo's to go with it.
P.S I thought I was vulgar but atleast I have never used the word v#gina.

[Sandy]

omg shiana i haven't laughed that hard in i don't know when, thank you i needed that:knuddel:

[Annie]

What I Want in a Man, Original List:


1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover




What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)



1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week





What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends






What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)



1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends





What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)



1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend





What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

[Jy]

Yeah, I've done the home waxing thing before, and know now that they are manufactured by satan.



Laffin here too and NO I didn't write it, but I cried from laughing so hard the first time I read it. A friend of mine at work sent it to me. I sent it to all my friends, I got so many phone calls, no one speaking just laughing and I knew they had gotten it. Glad you enjoyed it too!:kk After reading that I decided I would never do the at home waxing of my hoo ha.

[jaina]

ouch too funny i'll keep my kitty intact.

[Cotties]

The toilet bits a bit much Annie.. it just doesn't always come out straight. I'm great at the breathing thing I've been told.

[tiger50]

What I Want in a Man, Original List:






1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover




What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)



1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week





What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends






What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)



1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends





What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)



1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend





What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.











OMG i qualify at the last revision..... :lmao

[tiger50]

Well said Dave, am passing on my Philophosers stone to you mate...

[tiger50]

How was the ozzie open and the heat?

was great mate went on Monday, managed the one day when the weather was only warm, not bloody hottttttt :wa:

[Zpanther]

I like boats :)

Me too! Love chasin' that 'little man in the boat.'

[Norfolkdave]

very good dave..i'm passing the rules for being human onto my kids

I hope it helps:wa:

[Norfolkdave]

Well said Dave, am passing on my Philophosers stone to you mate...

I,ll be walking with a stoop then:wa:

[Norfolkdave]

yeh had the party mate. free piss an all, non of u guys turned up:cry: ....

British Airways said because of the heat, they couldnt land, their tyres would melt, but we flew over and saw you dancing away, or was that staggering! You had a good time then by all accounts, even the mosquitos were buzzing.....LOL:lmao

[Norfolkdave]

Me too! Love chasin' that 'little man in the boat.'

You can "walk on water" shall I ring the Guniness world records or will you!:D

[tiger50]

British Airways said because of the heat, they couldnt land, their tyres would melt, but we flew over and saw you dancing away, or was that staggering! You had a good time then by all accounts, even the mosquitos were buzzing.....LOL:lmao

bloody british airways are whimpoids, we turned em away, buggers were tryin to smuggle in pommy piss..... :nu

[Norfolkdave]

bloody british airways are whimpoids, we turned em away, buggers were tryin to smuggle in pommy piss..... :nu

Well I had loaded crates on board but they said it was due to the heat that they couldnt land, damm had I had known I would have sent it by the Royal Navy:lf

[tiger50]

yeh but their piss was hot, mate ya cant drink that shit with a bushfire likkin at ur arse.....

[Norfolkdave]

yeh but their piss was hot, mate ya cant drink that shit with a bushfire likkin at ur arse.....

Cant send ice cubes with it could I! LOL Lol LOl:lmao Here in the Well my beer is cold anyway, but true bitter real ale they say should be drunk at room temperature, something to do with the hops! Thats what makes us Poms..Poms

[tiger50]

Cant send ice cubes with it could I! LOL Lol LOl:lmao Here in the Well my beer is cold anyway, but true bitter real ale they say should be drunk at room temperature, something to do with the hops! Thats what makes us Poms..Poms

lol send the whole fukkin well dave.... and whover the "they" was that said that must surely be shot for fukkin total stupidity.... :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

lol send the whole fukkin well dave.... and whover the "they" was that said that must surely be shot for fukkin total stupidity.... :lmao

Its the so called real ale clubs, they say the beer loses it flavour when cold, and for the real flavour beer should be kept at room temperature( bitter ale that is) Lager Ale is man made that has to be kept cold. Real bitter ale personally I think is horrible when warm, I cant drink it at all, it has to be chilled. A nice real ale is Golden Glory with a hint of peach, but served cool its deliousous, warm its vile.........Now the cost of the Well is???????? then there is VAT on top LOL:D

[Annie]

OMG i qualify at the last revision..... :lmao

Well alrighty then! I'll give you a call when I'm 72!

[Shiane]

Shiane great story. I wish you had a few photo's to go with it.
P.S I thought I was vulgar but atleast I have never used the word v#gina.

Well Cotties you're out of luck on the photos because it wasn't me who was waxing my hoo ha. LOL vulgar? The word Vagina is vulgar? LOL you need to get out more honey!:D

[sweetgapeach]

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal- the Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now...The Wax. This method was no different.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Came home, fixed dinner, played with the kids. It was only later, after they were in bed, that I had the idea that would prove to be my downfall: maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my imminent destruction, the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, no sirree; you just rubbed the strips together in your hand, they would get warm so that you could peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else), and the hair would come right off. No muss, no fuss. So I'm thinking, how hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly-girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. You'd think so, anyway.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It 's actually two strips
facing each other, stuck together. So instead of rubbing
them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax, my aunt Fanny. I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight, and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and seeker of smooth skin extraordinaire. And so I forge ahead. With my next wax strip, I move north. Then, after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair-fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIIPPPP!!!! I'm blind!!!!
Blinded from pain...OH, MY GOD!!!! Vision returning, I notice
that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. S**T!!!!
Another deep breath and RRRRIIIIPPPP. Everything is swirly and spotted...do I hear crashing drums?? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy- a wax strip covered
with the hairy pelt that has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my victory over body hair. Triumphantly, I hold up the strip. There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair?? Even more importantly, WHERE IS THE WAX?? Sowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair...the hair that should be on the strip. I touch it...I am touching wax. SHIT I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax...and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?

Well, I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!! I hear the slamming the cell door.

Vagina? Sealed Shut. Ass?? Sealed Shut!!
I penguin-walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and thinking to myself, Please don't get the urge to poop. Hell, my head may pop off. Then I realized....Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits, and the wax should melt. Then I can gently wipe it off, right?? WRONG. I
get in the tub-the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment-and I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub. God bless the man who convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom. I call my friend, thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret knowledge of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter: So, my butt and my hoo-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub... There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but at least she tries to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom: Are we talking cheeks or hole or what? She's laughing out loud by now; I can hear her. I give her the 4-1-1 on the situation, and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the wax-strip box. Yeah, right...I should be the high point of someone else's night. While we are going through various options, I am
resorting to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels
better than to have your girlie goodies covered in wax, glued
shut, stuck to the tub in super-hot water and then dry-shaved to get the sticky wax off. By now my brain is not working, my dignity has taken a major hike, and I am fast slipping into glazed-donut land. Then, as my friend is talking with me, my hand gropes around and finds the saving grace... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on, and OH MY GOD!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids,and I know it scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It really works!! I get an enthusiastic (relieved) congratulations from my friend, who then hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then realize, to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL
THERE...ALL OF IT!!!! So I shave it off.
Hell, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color :55






You crack me up , Girl !!

[KIRA187]

What I Want in a Man, Original List:






1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover







Did you steal this off my personal bio Ms. Annie???;)

[Annie]

Did you steal this off my personal bio Ms. Annie???;)

Why yes, I do believe that is where I got my original list!

[Wet Beaver]

girls don't let your man play with your toys....





Woman Has To Get 6 Stitches After Hit With Sex Toy

Man Convicted Of Domestic Violence







AKRON, Ohio -- A sex toy landed a local man in court Tuesday.


A Summit County jury convicted Excell Bradley, of Barberton, of domestic violence for throwing what the prosecutor called a large sex toy into the eye of a woman with whom he lived, NewsChannel5 reported.


Police said Bradley's across-the-room toss of the sex toy caused enough damage to require six stitches to the woman's eye.


While bleeding and with blurry vision, she called 911, WEWS reported.


Bradley admitted to Barberton police that he threw the toy.



i wonder how big it was.....

[firefly]

I wonder where I can buy one that big! :whee: :di

[Wet Beaver]

I wonder where I can buy one that big! :whee: :di

if it was me...i would have chase him down and shove it up his ass...... just to make sure he had more...

[firefly]

if it was me...i would have chase him down and shove it up his ass...... just to make sure he had more...

:lmao :lmao


Note to the guys....don't ever throw a sex toy at WB!!!

[Wet Beaver]

:lmao :lmao


Note to the guys....don't ever throw a sex toy at WB!!!


i think they know that by now......:lmao

[Cotties]

unless it's a drive-by or a model she hasn't had:lmao :lmao


Note to the guys....don't ever throw a sex toy at WB!!!

[Wet Beaver]

unless it's a drive-by or a model she hasn't had


you know kotties, you are tring to hijack my thread.....................i can ask spare to ban ya....you pervert.....

[Cotties]

He told me to keep on eye on ya? We still don't know what you were doing while you were gone. We missed ya but know you were up to no good.you know kotties, you are tring to hijack my thread.....................i can ask spare to ban ya....you pervert.....

[Wet Beaver]

He told me to keep on eye on ya? We still don't know what you were doing while you were gone. We missed ya but know you were up to no good.

you might want to watch your eye around spare...it might take more than 6 stiches

[tiger50]

if it was me...i would have chase him down and shove it up his ass...... just to make sure he had more...

OUCH.... :(

[tiger50]

The Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge System

A new aid to rapid--almost magical--learning has made its appearance. Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so much junk.
The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers generally call it by its initials, BOOK.
Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching aids on which most people are brought up nowadays. It has no wires, no electric circuit to break down. No connection is needed to an electricity power point. It is made entirely without mechanical parts to go wrong or need replacement.
Anyone can use BOOK, even children, and it fits comfortably into the hands. It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.
How does this revoluntionary, unbelievably easy invention work? Basically BOOK consists only of a large number of paper sheets. These may run to hundreds where BOOK covers a lengthy programme of information. Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order.
To make it even easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order they are held firmly in place by a special locking device called a "binding".
Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence in the form of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic registration on the brain. When one sheet has been assimilated a flick of the finger turns it over and further information is found on the other side.
By using both sides of each sheet in this way a great economy is effected, thus reducing both the size and cost of BOOK. No buttons need to be pressed to move from one sheet to another, to open or close BOOK, or to start it working.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. Instantly it is ready for use. Nothing has to be connected up or switched on. The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases. A sheet is provided near the beginnning as a location finder for any required information sequence.
A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the BOOKmark. This enables the user to pick up his programme where he left off on the previous learning session. BOOKmark is versatile and may be used in any BOOK.
The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter. Already a vast range of BOOKs is available, covering every conceivable subject and adjusted to different levels of aptitude. One BOOK, small enough to be held in the hands, may contain an entire learning schedule.
Once purchased, BOOK requires no further upkeep cost; no batteries or wires are needed, since the motive power, thanks to an ingenious device patented by the makers, is supplied by the brain of the user.
BOOKs may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the programme schedule is normally indicated on the back of the binding.
Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems to have great advantages with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Boss' response:
BOOK* does not, in spite of the claims, seem "to have great advantages with no drawbacks". Soon, it probably won't even be legal. Consider:
"It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire." Being paper, it might burn in the fire. Probably fire laws in most locations wouldn't allow its use there. Worse, such a device, which encourages close proximity of the user to fire, will be outlawed by OSHA's request.
"Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order." How quaint; to think that the programmer (author) would be allowed to turn over such an important task to the user! "cannot" is clearly misuse; any user could incorrectly turn to the wrong page. A proper user interface might correct that, of course, such as requiring that each sheet be torn off to expose the next. This is a clear conflict with "The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases." and "BOOKs may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference". The user interface obviously needs more work before such a system can be practical.
"the motive power -- is supplied by the brain of the user". Clearly, the inventors have not examined recent trends. No serious person would suggest even expecting a "user" to have a brain present, much less to use it so continuously.
I'd suggest the inventors return to their consoles and do a thorough associative search of various data banks, like the rest of us, and forget this nonsense.

[Cotties]

Does this "BOOK" come in different colours to match my phone?

It just doesn't seem feesable.

[tiger50]

shittt dunno mate will check it out..... yeh i know its hard to comprend this new stuff....

[Norfolkdave]

And lights for the keys of my keyboard, different colours so when the numbers wear out, instead of a new keyboard the memory of lights will tell me where the letters were.

[Norfolkdave]

Detroit officials are looking into how a woman sneaked into the North American International Auto Show after closing hours early on Tuesday to pose naked on Chrysler's Dodge Challenger muscle car.Security Guards found the woman standing on the new Challenger, with some people -- mostly men.

Chief of security for the show, said the incident was being investigated.:lmao

[juli55]

They hugged and both knew immediately that it was no use to fight the feelings that they had for each other. As they released each other from their hug, John asked how she was? He could see that se was as beautiful as ever.

Without saying a word Rita takes John by the hand and leads him into her bedroom...she gazes into his eyes and unbuttons his shirt, softly starts kissing his chest.

[Shiane]

He swept her off her feet swirling her around in his arms.
Their eyes locked as they danced, his hands moved to explore her warm body.
She pushed tight against him and their lips met for the first time.
At that moment she knew she wanted him

They moved to the music like intertwined vines in the wind...knowing this night would last forever.

Their gaze was fixed and neither could look away. They knew it was very wrong, but it felt so very right

They kissed seductivey, not daring to break from the passion, holding each other tight their bodies caught in sensuality,caught in time.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! John shot out of his bed, realizing it had all been a dream.

He got dressed for work, on the way he stopped for coffee and there she was...Behind the counter was the woman in his dreams...the woman of his dreams. Thiers eyes met and in that instance they knew they had to be with each other. Yet he was married, in a strange town, wondering if what he desired and what he needed were one in the same.

She looked into his eyes and smiled. She knew his dreams. She knew his desires. She knew his needs. But most important she knew her's.

Knowing he couldn't wait any longer, he walked up to the counter to make his coffee order.

"Can I help you?, she asked. "I'm sure you can," he said, "one coffee, sugar, no cream, and a napkin with your phone number on it."

"Won't your wife mind", she replies.

"Mind?", he asked quizzically, "YOU were going to tell her?"

Blushing, she finishes making the coffee, and hands John his order, including the napkin. As John reached for the napkin, however, his arm brushed the coffee, spilling it across the counter and soaking the napkin before he could grab it. As she shrugs and starts to clean the mess, John asks, "At least tell me your name."

She said "My name is Rita" took his hand and wrote her number on it. "Explain that to your wife" she said with a grin on her face! then takeing John by the hand and leading him into the bathroom locking the door behind them...


She ran the back of her hand down the side of his face, tracing his lips with her fingers, inserting one just inside his mouth...

He sucked her finger deep into his mouth and ran his tongue along the the entire length

Then she seductively withdrew her finger,he followed with his tounge, over the palm of her hand, round her thumb, following the contours of her delicate skin.

She ran her hands idly, all over his body as he pleasured her with his tounge.

His mind was racing wildly! He wanted this woman more than anything. He knew she was forbidden, but couldn't stop himself

Biting her neck, running his tounge over her smooth flesh, he started to undo her blouse, his tounge tracing a saliva pattern on her ample cleaverage

Her breathing was rapid and shallow, her body screaming to have him

Two strangers together and nothing is going to stop the lust of passion building deep within.

As he pressed his body up against hers, she loses her breath for a split moment. He looks into her eyes.

She reached down and felt his manhood. He moaned in excitement as he continued to kiss her passionately. His hand moving across her chest, stopping to unbutton her blouse a little more now exposing her breasts.

He traced each nipple gentaly with his tounge,her nipples became hard and swallen at his touch. her body shivered with excitement'as he continued licking down her stomache.
He could smell her scent and feel the heat, as he drew closer to her sweet reward. She began to shake with anticipation, knowing that this was real and soon they would be locked in a passionate hold that would change their lives foreve.

His loins aching and yearning, her thighs like alabastar pillars of ancient Rome, inviting him to enter the forbidden city.

[KIRA187]

A lady was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
She had been unhappy with the women's type she had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, she was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, she looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls." :)

[Norfolkdave]

Well Said Spare Well Said Man

[Lena]

Good one kira!!!

[Waltert]

A lady was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
She had been unhappy with the women's type she had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, she was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, she looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls." :)

Nice story but -

Who is she!

Where can I meet her!

:D

[Norfolkdave]

Bar Room Translations
1. "You get this one, next round is on me."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

2. "I'll get this one, next one is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)
(I'm easy.)

5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)
(I'm gay.)

6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male)
(I'm horny.)

10. "Who's got the next round?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

11. "Excuse Me." (male to male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

12. "Excuse Me." (male to female)
(I am going to grope you now.) (Editor's Note - one of my personal favorites)

13. "Excuse Me." (female to male)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

14. "Excuse Me." (female to female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)

15. "What do you have on tap?"
(What's cheap?)

16. "Can I have a white Russian?" (male)
(I'm *really* gay.)

17. "Can I have a white Russian?" (female)
(I'm *really* easy.)

18. "That person looks really familiar."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

19. Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. I don't have my ID on me." (female)
(I'm 19.)

21. "I don't have my ID on me." (male)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)

[GeekMaster]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman, in particular, loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Colorado stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.

No one moves.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps . .

He whispers . .










"Iron this. Then get me a beer."

[KIRA187]

While in line at the bank one afternoon,
A mom and her toddler daughter were behind me. She
decided to allow the toddler to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
The mom was finally able to grab hold of
her daughter after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
The mom told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To the mom's horror, the daughter looked her in the

eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing.
The mom mustered up the last ounce of her dignity and
walked out of the bank with her daughter in tow.

[G...G]

Omg... Lmao

[belfast]

Two women die and meet in heaven


1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! My name is Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to
get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my

husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there some-where that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. ! ; Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and
finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and
died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!

[Shiane]

eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"



LMAO ohhh thats just so wrong on so many levels :D

[Jy]

That was HILARIOUS Irish!! Thanks for the laugh!:D

[Sunfiresix]

That was a great one Belfast.

[sweetgapeach]

Two women die and meet in heaven


1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! My name is Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to
get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my

husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there some-where that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. ! ; Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and
finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and
died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!

:lmao

[sex_kitten_4u]

fantastic i love it

[tiger50]

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.

One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.

Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pullies is ingeniuos.

"No," the third student said "your both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"

[sex_kitten_4u]

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.

One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.

Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pullies is ingeniuos.

"No," the third student said "your both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"


:lmao :lmao :lmao

[belfast]

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.

One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.

Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pullies is ingeniuos.

"No," the third student said "your both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"
Very good:lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao

[tiger50]

lol, good one....

[tiger50]

Geez u guys are makin it hard, (i mean life, not the other thingy)

[tiger50]

lol, serve an Aussie a warm beer and your life is in great peril.... It almost calls for the death penalty.:nu

[tiger50]

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!"

[tiger50]

Shitttt i get zero and zero, am greatly upset, seems there is no brain present, sobbbbb am orf to committ sewerage pipe... :cry:

[Jy]

Oh boy!! The guy was shitting bricks! Thanks for sharing that one sister!


By the way, did any of you ladies happen to notice the build on bible boy? Holy heaven!

[Norfolkdave]

lol, serve an Aussie a warm beer and your life is in great peril.... It almost calls for the death penalty.:nu

Thats the difference of countries, Lager has to be served cold its horrible warm, bitter though has been brewed to be drunk at room temperature to taste the hops. Lager hasnt hops its man made. :wa:

[GeekMaster]

Well Balanced


You scored 80 %Lefty and 73 %Righty! Congratulations, you have well developed skills in both hemispheres. You see an abundance of ideas and you can easily make plans without getting lost in possibilities. Both the details and the bigger picture are obvious to you. You can relate to almost anyone, and understand their perspective. Undoubtedly you are good at anything you set your mind to. It may also be possible to hypnotise you.




My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:You scored higher than 91% on Lefty

You scored higher than 68% on Righty
You scored higher than 69% on Divergence.

[sweetgapeach]

Well Ballanced
You scored 71 %Lefty and 85 %Righty!
Congratulations, you have well developed skills in both hemispheres. You see an abundance of ideas and you can easily make plans without getting lost in possibilities. Both the details and the bigger picture are obvious to you. You can relate to almost anyone, and understand their perspective. Undoubtedly you are good at anything you set your mind to. It may also be possible to hypnotise you.




My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 69% on Lefty

You scored higher than 94% on Righty

You scored higher than 15% on Divergence

[Seeker]

You scored 52 %Lefty and 57 %Righty! Almost perfect, both your hemispheres are balanced. You can understand and accept both objectivity and subjectivity. You see possibilities and can make decisions. But there's still some room for improvement.

[tiger50]

Thats the difference of countries, Lager has to be served cold its horrible warm, bitter though has been brewed to be drunk at room temperature to taste the hops. Lager hasnt hops its man made. :wa:

hey we have vic bitter, and other bitter ales, all seved cold.... :55

[tiger50]

very good point ffox and yes untill then it is just a f**k ,
i think everyone should learn to explore there body after all it is the only one you have , and then you can enjoy exporing your partners body and have the most wonderful experiances

agreed, lol have done a lot of exploring.... :lf

[Jy]

And you can learn what works for yourself that way, and in turn, communicate that to your partner.
(or you can just masturbate all the time because your partner doesn't put out!)

[tiger50]

And you can learn what works for yourself that way, and in turn, communicate that to your partner.
(or you can just masturbate all the time because your partner doesn't put out!)

have also explored my lady, can just about map her genome...lol... ;)

[Jy]

...I think I'll stick to wine...

[Norfolkdave]

hey we have vic bitter, and other bitter ales, all seved cold.... :55

never heard of that bitter, all im saying is that its English Old Boy, to serve bitter warm, I dont like it at all, I preffer it cold, but the real ale brigade known as CAMERA, recommend that beer in this country because of the the way the hops are picked, real ale made from hops should be savoured not cold, a cross between warm and just warm. Guiness is served cool because the very nature of the stout. I know the Aussies like cold beer, each to their own. I find warm beer gassy, and although lager is a man made beer it has to be served cool. Home made bitter has to be served warm then poured into a jug then stood over ice to cool down.:55

[Norfolkdave]

...I think I'll stick to wine...

This is the same in a moderate way, red wine is drunk at room temperature, so the flavour can be tasted, and white wine is better chilled because of the grape used, its the same as beer, bitter made from hops should really be drunk at room temperature to get the full bodied flavour, and Lager as its man made is better chilled. You take your budwiser this I believe is a lager based drink, therefore if you try to drink it warm, you get a lot of gas, drink it chilled then its a lovely drink, the same as wine Jazzy, red wine is fine at room temperature, white wine is best chilled.:55

[tiger50]

lol as i said, regardless of the type, serve it hot here and u get lynched...
Budweiser???? mate, i feed that shit to the roo if i'm pissed off with im....

[tiger50]

U think Jazzy should be served chilled?????? :sc

[Cotties]

I'll take her at bedroom temperatureU think Jazzy should be served chilled?????? :sc

[Norfolkdave]

lol as i said, regardless of the type, serve it hot here and u get lynched...
Budweiser???? mate, i feed that shit to the roo if i'm pissed off with im....

All Im saying each to their own, I just tried to show you the difference of two different aspects, you dont like warm beer, I dont. I dont know what beers you got over there or how its made, again I was pointing out what its like over here, some like weak beers some like strong beers personally I like 4.5 to 5.0% per volume per alchol. If we had temperatures like you, perhaps the situation would be different.

[Cotties]

It's so hot in Bangkok about 50% of the time we drink beer with ice in it. At first I thouht it was a sin and then by my third mouthful the beer is hot. The beers alcohol level is around 7% so when the ice melts it's still drinkable. Better yet is when you find a shop that has the fridge just at freeezing temperature so the beer is just moments away from frozen. Liquid heaven.

[MCat]

It's so hot in Bangkok about 50% of the time we drink beer with ice in it. At first I thouht it was a sin and then by my third mouthful the beer is hot. The beers alcohol level is around 7% so when the ice melts it's still drinkable. Better yet is when you find a shop that has the fridge just at freeezing temperature so the beer is just moments away from frozen. Liquid heaven.

That's how Hank likes to drink a beer...stick it in the freezer for a bit...icy cold:lf

[tiger50]

All Im saying each to their own, I just tried to show you the difference of two different aspects, you dont like warm beer, I dont. I dont know what beers you got over there or how its made, again I was pointing out what its like over here, some like weak beers some like strong beers personally I like 4.5 to 5.0% per volume per alchol. If we had temperatures like you, perhaps the situation would be different.

heeeeey Dave dont mean anything by all this shit, just tikklin up ur kilt.... like takin the piss outa cotties:lmao :wa:

[Sunfiresix]

I do not drink much but when I do I prefer a hearty ale and just chilled.

[sweetgapeach]

What sign are you ?



Redneck Horoscope


OKRA
Dec 22 - Jan 20

Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have
tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of
his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies!

CHITLIN
Jan 21 - Feb 19

Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable
talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of
himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with
Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL
Feb 20- Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things,
and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say,
you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their
right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE
Mar 21- April 20

You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to
recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words
here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM
APR 21 - May 21

When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to
withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not
psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH
May 22 - June 21

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf
course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive
physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS
June 22- July 23

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of
life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make
good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal
life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save
yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH
July 24 - Aug 23

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS
Aug 24 - Sept 23

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, thought so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS
Sept 24 - Oct 23

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN
October 24 - Nov 22

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO
Nov 23 - Dec 21

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

[sweetgapeach]

ARMADILLO
Nov 23 - Dec 21

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

[flamengo130]

boiled peanuts (him) certainly go well with butterbeans (her). Life's a banquet..enjoy

[Norfolkdave]

heeeeey Dave dont mean anything by all this shit, just tikklin up ur kilt.... like takin the piss outa cotties:lmao :wa:

LOL a kilt, me, NUH too much into trouser, a kilt would keep my cobblers cold:D and open to the elments like attacks from bees and wasps, oooh, its bad enough catching it in the zip, let alone being stung,,,,,,,,:lmao :lmao :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

That's how Hank likes to drink a beer...stick it in the freezer for a bit...icy cold:lf

So Hank likes to stick it in the freezer! so it gets icy cold! and to drink a beer? each to their own Mary each to their own, different:lmao :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

and for me..........................

BUTTER BEAN
October 24 - Nov 22

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies:lmao


and actually I love butter beans too

[Sunfiresix]

Hey they are right on the money for this one.
Mine
GRITS
Aug 24 - Sept 23

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, thought so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well

[Sinjin Kane]

Jazzy: Oh Hell Yeah Baby!!!!

That's hot !!!!!!

'Quite time' girl !!!!!!

Girls are so hot!!!!!!!!!!

Married starving Girls!!!!!Are the turn on for me, they can anytime but there still horney

Girl with there hands on there backs thats so hot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sunfiresix]

My mate always loved how I enjoyed her completely, usually I didn't miss a part of her body from hair to toes and all in between, she would go wild.

[Seraphtermath]

CATFISH
July 24 - Aug 23

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

[tiger50]

BOILED PEANUTS
Sept 24 - Oct 23

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

aLWAYS THOUGHT I WAS A BIT NUTTY...

[tiger50]

So Hank likes to stick it in the freezer! so it gets icy cold! and to drink a beer? each to their own Mary each to their own, different:lmao :lmao

danger here, it may snap orf....:lmao :lmao

[Jy]

You're drunk, aren't you?

Hey, glad it works for you honey.


Jazzy: Oh Hell Yeah Baby!!!!

That's hot !!!!!!

'Quite time' girl !!!!!!

Girls are so hot!!!!!!!!!!

Married starving Girls!!!!!Are the turn on for me, they can anytime but there still horney

Girl with there hands on there backs thats so hot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Shiane]

Mmmmmmmmmmm Hmmmmmmmmmmm his body could be my temple anyday. I'm probably gonna burn for that one lol.

[Cotties]

Are you picking up young drunk men again Jazzy? You're drunk, aren't you?

Hey, glad it works for you honey.

[Jy]

No Cotties, he just fell into my lap!

[tiger50]

poor bugger let im sleep

[Cotties]

O.K we'll get him tomorrow.

Jazzy "he fell in your lap" understatement of the year.. he had fun though

[tiger50]

MIND GAME




2% or 98%

This is strange...can you figure it out?

Are you the 2% or 98% of the population?

Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!

* Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.

* There's no trick or surprise.

* Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!
* Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them ... really. * Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something.)






Think of a number from 1 to 10







Multiply that number by 9







If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together







Now subtract 5







Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with

(example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)







Think of a country that starts with that letter.









Remember the last letter of the name of that country.








Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter.






Remember the last letter in the name of that animal.






Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter.





Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?





I told you this was FREAKY!! If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise. Keep this message going. This one is actually worth sending on to others. Forward it to people you know so they can find out if they are usual or unusual.

[tiger50]

shit i dipped out, was in the 2% sobbbbbbb sumfin wrong with me.... awwwwwwwwwwwww

[Norfolkdave]

Mine was 3 and freaky ended with the kangeroo eating an orange...LOL brilliant tighrt brillant

[tiger50]

Mine was 3 and freaky ended with the kangeroo eating an orange...LOL brilliant tighrt brillant

shitt Dave, ur a 98% er, guess im a 2% dumass....:lmao

[Norfolkdave]

shitt Dave, ur a 98% er, guess im a 2% dumass....:lmao

yep I guess so brains over brawn then...LOL:lmao

[tiger50]

yep I guess so brains over brawn then...LOL:lmao

Geez , think im bereft of both..... :sc

[Norfolkdave]

Geez , think im bereft of both..... :sc

Dont pull yourself down your ok:D

[tiger50]

Dont pull yourself down your ok:D

WHAT???? no pullin meself???? awww dave then I CANT GET NO SATISFACTION...:lmao :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

WHAT???? no pullin meself???? awww dave then I CANT GET NO SATISFACTION...:lmao :lmao

sounds like the Rolling stones song " Cant get no Satisfaction" LOL:lmao
I can’t get no satisfaction,
I can’t get no satisfaction.
’cause I try and I try and I try and I try.
I can’t get no, I can’t get no.

When I’m drivin’ in my car
And that man comes on the radio
And he’s tellin’ me more and more
About some useless information
Supposed to fire my imagination.
I can’t get no, oh no no no.
Hey hey hey, that’s what I say.

I can’t get no satisfaction,
I can’t get no satisfaction.

[tiger50]

sounds like the Rolling stones song " Cant get no Satisfaction" LOL:lmao
I can’t get no satisfaction,
I can’t get no satisfaction.
’cause I try and I try and I try and I try.
I can’t get no, I can’t get no.

When I’m drivin’ in my car
And that man comes on the radio
And he’s tellin’ me more and more
About some useless information
Supposed to fire my imagination.
I can’t get no, oh no no no.
Hey hey hey, that’s what I say.

I can’t get no satisfaction,
I can’t get no satisfaction.

yeh mate thats the one i was thinkin of......
hey think we will fill this thread on our own..lol, the rest of the world is asleep.... or still thinkin of a number tween 1 an 10.... :D

[Norfolkdave]

yeh mate thats the one i was thinkin of......
hey think we will fill this thread on our own..lol, the rest of the world is asleep.... or still thinkin of a number tween 1 an 10.... :D

yeah they either have found other threads and are ignoring us or sleeping or thinking of 1-10. They all come alive from about 4pm UK time which is 9am their time.:D

[tiger50]

prob afraid to take the test, or cant handle the maths....

[Zpanther]

I'm with you Tiger...... guess I'm in the 2% too.

[tiger50]

I'm with you Tiger...... guess I'm in the 2% too.

awww well lets ava beer mate, ur shout..... :D

[Zifnab]

I was visiting a friend of the family at the book store he worked in on its last day. There were huge signs all over the store windows as well as posted on every shelf inside. But never the less, as I was standing there talking to him three seperate people had to stop and ask (you guessed it!) "OH! Is this store closing?"
By the third time I couldn't take it any more. I turned to the dazed fellow and said,"No. We just started offering sign printing services and we had to hang them up until the ink dries! Here's your sign!"

[Trev]

At the grocery store and a neighbor stops and asks if were grocery shopping. No, were just here to check on dinner for next week. Here's your sign.

[Jy]

Right alongside me sister! One look at him and I'd be thanking God! One session with him, and I'd probably be talking to God!!

[spare_change]

Yep -- we are going to have to order another shipment of signs. Maybe Zifnab can get them printed up for us.

[eroticjoy]

Glad i dont know this guy... LOL

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just
need totake it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When he same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot Ihad patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" signin his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said,"Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow
house, and the car's parked right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch
you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
Isaid, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you
still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is
Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm reallyscared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello,asshole,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"
I answered, "Well, asshole,here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd,Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then Icalled Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd,Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got
there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each
other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news
crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.

[Norfolkdave]

LOL you wicked creature, brilliant, but could you do it in real life! or would you.

[Zifnab]

As long as you can wait for the ink to dry!

[pastryman]

If you need help....I can help you anytime you like:kk Right alongside me sister! One look at him and I'd be thanking God! One session with him, and I'd probably be talking to God!!

[eroticjoy]

dont think i could or would do it in real life...and i dont really think thats what anger management means ! LOL but i can see where the guy that instigated it would think it was funny..

[kissiemybuttie]

how about this one...have a moving truck infront of my house...unloading what stuff we brought with us...neighbor asked are you new here??? well i guess since the movers are just unloading my stuff off the truck you can say "yeah new here..didnt you know what your old neighbors looked like???"
heres your sign.......

[eroticjoy]

Alright.. this is the NEVER ENDING ADVENTURE... the object is for it to always be ongoing..leaving a blank for the next person to continue...Here is the background. A plush 5000 room hote... Hot tubs in every room.And every room is a balcaony room. Every room also has king size beds. The rooms can really be whatever you want them to be or have in them whatever you want them to have in them after all its our story.. lol... down stairs of course their is a lobby and theirs a big fully equipped bar and dancing room where their is entertainment every night. down the hall is a huge casino for anyone to enjoy. this hotel is by the way on a desert island. Theirs a beautiful beach that surrounds the whole place. with boats that provide such things as sailing, fishing, water skiing, whatever water sport you can think of (and i dont mean the golden shower !! lol)...Their are also gazebos and screen houses scattered on the property. Their are horse stables for any one who likes horses. Their is also a couple of parks, a golf course, you name it this island has it all. if not add it.. lol... And heres the scoop... its been donated to the forum for an undisclosed period of time. Everyone in the forum HAS to be a guest at some time or another. The can come alone or bring whomever they want to with them...Their are full time employees their... for room service, and a huge dinning room in the hotel fully staffed.. this place is also optional if you want to be nude or not. And to start this adventure... Joy and tiger are the first to arrive on the island. Tiger has opted to go nude and is sitting at the bar having a drink when Joy walks in also in the nude. She orders a long island ice tea and sits beside him ... and then....................( now ANYONE can continue this).....

[KIRA187]

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

[spare_change]

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.


Amen.

[tiger50]

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

mmm depends, when a politician speaks, it may well cost us a fukkin fortune :sc

[tiger50]

Hey cotties, at least the cheese is bigger this time mate, remind me one day to tell you about the special tiger patent mousetrap...

[tiger50]

Thats cool, lol wickedly evil....not sure i could, even if its visited on arseoles....

[Trev]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !

"You have two choices in life: you can stay single and
be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !

Why is it you can sue McDonalds if you get fat,
Marlboro if you get cancer but you can't sue Smirnoff
or Budweiser for all the ugly people you slept with?



An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her,

"What did you steal?"

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she
replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the
can.

She replied 6.

The j udge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the
punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the
judge if he could say something.

He said, " What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

[tiger50]

:lmao :lmao

[sweetgapeach]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !

Why is it you can sue McDonalds if you get fat,
Marlboro if you get cancer but you can't sue Smirnoff
or Budweiser for all the ugly people you slept with?

I love it !!!

[sweetgapeach]

Funny !!! I need a couple of assholes to call !!

[tiger50]

Too pissed to be thinkin right now....

[Norfolkdave]

Very Good all of them

[G...G]

:lmao :lmao :lmao

Now that is funny, I don't care who you are!~!:lmao

[Norfolkdave]

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are

[firefly]

:lmao :lmao :lmao

Now that is funny, I don't care who you are!~!:lmao

:D Git er done!

[sweetgapeach]

BOILED PEANUTS
Sept 24 - Oct 23

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

aLWAYS THOUGHT I WAS A BIT NUTTY...

Would never have guess it ! lol

[Barkiss]

BOLL WEEVIL
Feb 20- Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things,
and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say,
you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their
right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

[Trev]

BUTTER BEAN
October 24 - Nov 22

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

[G...G]

Catfish!!! I need to stay away from Moon Pie!! Cute!!

[Jy]

Yep, that's me!!


COLLARDS
June 22- July 23

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of
life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make
good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal
life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save
yourself a lot of heartache.

[firefly]

CHITLIN
Jan 21 - Feb 19

Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable
talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of
himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with
Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

[G...G]

Jazzy, we both have to stay away from Moon Pie. Now who is Moon Pie?? LOL

[Rainmaker]

POSSUM
APR 21 - May 21

When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to
withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not
psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

geez these polls make me sound so niceee-lol

[tiger50]

thought it may be good to have a thread where we can all post our thought of the day.
It can be humourous or ded serious....
I get to start

Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that is where shitty ideas come from !!!!

:wa:

[Cotties]

If you ever go to a massage parlour never use their soaps or shampoos. Women know everything. If your a women who goes don't worry.

[tiger50]

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class of citizens to give to another.

[Norfolkdave]

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class of citizens to give to another.

Tony Blair our PM and Gordon Brown the Chancellor, robbing us by way of Taxes to line their pockets for holidays in Egypt, and to but a 747 to call it Blair Force One.:lmao

[Norfolkdave]

oops i duplicated it, sorry guys

[MCat]

whoops

[tiger50]

" Never hold your farts in, they travel up your spine into your brain and thats where shitty ideas come from":lmao

lol dave ya wanker, c the 1st post..:lmao :lmao :lmao :nu

[Norfolkdave]

lol dave ya wanker, c the 1st post..:lmao :lmao :lmao :nu

ok wrong sorry tiger

[tiger50]

ok wrong sorry tiger

heyyy u deleted it, shittt mate didnt matter.... :55

[Norfolkdave]

I'm not suffering from insanity . . . I'm enjoying every minute of it.

[MCat]

Every day is a good day, as long as you're alive to experience it.

[GeekMaster]

Where ever you go, there you are!!!

[tiger50]

Where ever you go, there you are!!!

Mate , thats way too deep for me, here ava tinnie with me an we'll contemplate that one.... may avta call in cotties ta help.... :lmao

[GeekMaster]

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,

I'm a schizophrenic,
And I am too!

[MCat]

Life's too short to spend it on the safe side

[Rainmaker]

while i was reading that i thought u had really done it-lmao-i was going to offer u my docs phone number-but it is funny as heck now that its not true.

[Sunfiresix]

Too funny, great story.

[tiger50]

Friends dont let

friends drink and
take home ugly men

[Bigman]

BOLL WEEVIL
Feb 20- Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things,
and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say,
you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their
right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

I like all your post , Sweetgapeach .
And I will be in your area next week . Want to have Lunch ?

[IntimateStranger]

Redneck Horoscope




BOLL WEEVIL
Feb 20- Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things,
and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say,
you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their
right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.



This puts to shame any other Horoscope I ever read ...

How do I subscribe ...... LOL

[sweetgapeach]

BOLL WEEVIL
Feb 20- Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things,
and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say,
you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their
right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

I like all your post , Sweetgapeach .
And I will be in your area next week . Want to have Lunch ?


Sorry !! I am planning on having Barkiss for lunch next week !

[Seeker]

ARMADILLO
Nov 23 - Dec 21

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.:55

[pastryman]

CATFISH
July 24 - Aug 23

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.



wow so true...at least now I know why no one understands me:lmao

[Trev]

The perfect man---
> >
> >Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
> A cell phone on
> >a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
> speaker-function and
> >begins to talk.
> >Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
>
> >MAN: "Hello"
> >WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
> >MAN: "Yes"
> >WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this
> beautiful leather coat.
> >It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
> >MAN: " Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
> >WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
> and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"
> >MAN: "How much?"
> >WOMAN: "$90,000"
> >MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house
I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking
$950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of
$900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra
50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so
much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."</FONT>


> >The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room
> are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
> >He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone
> belongs to?...."

[Jy]

OMG!! That was FUNNY!!!! Thanks for posting that one Trev!!

[tiger50]

shitttt i thought that i was it.... bugger!!!:lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao

[Seraphtermath]

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

[hank69]

QUOTE=tiger50]Friends dont let

friends drink and
take home ugly men[/QUOTE]


..:lmao..:lmao...:lmao....:lmao.....AMEN...

[yaser]

Life's too short to spend it on the safe sideMarycat, you are talking as if you have taken many risks...Someone may hear, be careful.

[Seraphtermath]

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.

[Norfolkdave]

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.

Very nice sir very nice and oH so true

[yaser]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !

"You have two choices in life: you can stay single and
be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !

Why is it you can sue McDonalds if you get fat,
Marlboro if you get cancer but you can't sue Smirnoff
or Budweiser for all the ugly people you slept with?



An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her,

"What did you steal?"

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she
replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the
can.

She replied 6.

The j udge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the
punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the
judge if he could say something.

He said, " What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
Trev supre I liked them but we love each other before we marry then we become enemies ..What is this marriage institution for happiness or misery. and why?We come to website and try to relax by our computers and soem ladies and gentlemen who haave gor the sişmilar troobles.I donT understand myself and marrige..MArriage is a prison like any other prison...

[KIRA187]

Is Dame Edna really a Dame????:sc

[Norfolkdave]

He who laughs last laughs the longest

[sweetgapeach]

Thought for the day:
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together
it spells "THEIRS"?

[Seraphtermath]

Thought for the day:
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together
it spells "THEIRS"?


Arggggggggggg!!!!!
We need a flat tax....we need a flat tax....we need a federal sales tax instead of taking it out of our checks....that way even the illegal immagrants and drug kings will pay taxes too!!!!!!!

[Sinjin Kane]

Im all for a flat tax!
We pay every year!
If I could be single with bad sex I say no!
If I could be Married but miserable with great sex I say here is all my money now lest go get miserable again and again and again "oh there has to be alcohol with the marriage if I'm going to make it work, and a ski boat, and a sports car, and I should'nt have to work, and I can leave to go on Vacations without her, and she can only yell at me in French, and we have to have 3, no wait 4 really hot maids that live in the house, and I need to have an airplane, and a hunting lodge, and a private bank account with a million dollors in it, Yea' if I had that I would go ahead and say those nasty words again "' I Do '" Sorry, I'll go wash my mouth out now...

[tiger50]

Not an escape from loneliness, or a plan, not strategy and resolution, but direct facing of one's loneliness with courage, letting be all that is in its fullness, this is a requirement of creative living.
Clark Moustakas

[jaina]

The Thin Blue Line

Among us,sent down from Heaven,
Are those that walk a thin blue line,that's a given.
Like Guardian Angels to watch over me and you,
Are those that wear the blue iniform of blue,
We see them only at traffic stops,
We do not call them friends just cops.
We pray we never have a chance meeting
We never pass along a greeting,
But they are so much more than this,
They simply do not see the world as bliss,
But they look into the corners of our deepest fear,
They walk the beat,they dry a tear
They bring a message to our home,
When all is not well,and we are alone.
They come to see us,no matter the need
Handle the problem,complete the deed.
They lay their personal feelings aside,
They do their job,they have great pride
And if one should fall among life's things
The badge they wear,turns into wings.

[Trev]

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches
in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not
the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially
hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls
are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it- almost every time I sneeze, cough or
sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[Trev]

Yup!



A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You're all part of our team now",
said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you
can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I am satisfied with
your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what
happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "no".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others "Which one of you idiots
ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader said to the guilty person. "For four weeks we have been eating Managers
and no one noticed anything. But NOOOOOOO, you had to go and eat someone who actually
does something!

[belfast]

Very good Trev:55






Yup!

[jaina]

LOL That hit home Trev