Please help me sort out my thoughts...Thanks

[Diamond_inthe_Rough]

I wasn't sure where to post this, and then I read CuteNCGal's post about her recent 'fun', and thought "Perfect". Thanks CuteNCGal for sharing that post, I can relate to your recent preoccupation with recent events.

Sorry for the very long post, I just wanted to share the full story...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi all!
I'm new here, and this might be pretty deep for a newbie post, but I just gotta get my thoughts out. And from reading here, you all seem like a great bunch to get feedback from.

Wife and I are 32, and have been married for just under 10 years. We're very much in love, and enjoy making love, but some of the spark/flirting has declined if I'm honest with myself. Also (and this is probably important to know) until very recently we had only ever been with each other.

I've always thought of myself as a closet swinger, and have always encouraged her in as many ways as possible to become more open with her sexuality. See we both grew up in stoic Christian families and have had those moral compasses impressed heavily on us.

About 6-12 months ago she had a bit of a sexual awakening and we went from sex maybe once a month to more like 3-4 times a week. Recently she's taken to flirting with guys online (and a little cyber) and she's always kept me 'in the know', in fact she had an account on this website first to see who was in the chatroom, and I've always encouraged her.

Well, she met a guy who she really liked, and we finally decided to pursue a little extra fun for her and him. This past weekend we visited and they were able to spent the first night together alone, and the second night I was able to join them (much to his reluctance).

I had always thought that it would be US (me and her) and a third party, but now she really is in love with him (and him with her) and they want to spend some "them time" and that's difficult for me to agree to and deal with. I guess I really want nothing more than her happiness, but I can't imagine spending any time away from her.

We've talked about all this until we're blue in the face, and I know 100% that she loves me and we're not breaking up, getting a divorce, etc, etc, but she wants to add this new element to her life. I guess I'm just a little jealous that (at this time anyways) I'm not invited to the party - until he might get more comfortable with that.

I guess I'm just curious, has anyone else had their spouse want an additional 'partner', yet want to keep things the same with you? I don't have anyone (other than her) to discuss this with (and I know where she stands with this Lol), and needed to hear from other non-judgemental, sexually-open people what they think of all this.

Thanks for listening to me ramble, and I'll answer honestly any questions you might have.

~D~

[Huzyerdaddi]

I wasn't sure where to post this, and then I read CuteNCGal's post about her recent 'fun', and thought "Perfect". Thanks CuteNCGal for sharing that post, I can relate to your recent preoccupation with recent events.

Sorry for the very long post, I just wanted to share the full story...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi all!

1. I'm new here, and this might be pretty deep for a newbie post, but I just gotta get my thoughts out. And from reading here, you all seem like a great bunch to get feedback from.

1. Wife and I are 32, and have been married for just under 10 years. We're very much in love, and enjoy making love, but some of the spark/flirting has declined if I'm honest with myself. Also (and this is probably important to know) until very recently we had only ever been with each other.

3. I've always thought of myself as a closet swinger, and have always encouraged her in as many ways as possible to become more open with her sexuality. See we both grew up in stoic Christian families and have had those moral compasses impressed heavily on us.

4. About 6-12 months ago she had a bit of a sexual awakening and we went from sex maybe once a month to more like 3-4 times a week. Recently she's taken to flirting with guys online (and a little cyber) and she's always kept me 'in the know', in fact she had an account on this website first to see who was in the chatroom, and I've always encouraged her.

5. Well, she met a guy who she really liked, and we finally decided to pursue a little extra fun for her and him. This past weekend we visited and they were able to spent the first night together alone, and the second night I was able to join them (much to his reluctance).

6. I had always thought that it would be US (me and her) and a third party, but now she really is in love with him (and him with her) and they want to spend some "them time" and that's difficult for me to agree to and deal with. I guess I really want nothing more than her happiness, but I can't imagine spending any time away from her.

7. We've talked about all this until we're blue in the face, and I know 100% that she loves me and we're not breaking up, getting a divorce, etc, etc, but she wants to add this new element to her life. I guess I'm just a little jealous that (at this time anyways) I'm not invited to the party - until he might get more comfortable with that.

8.a.) I guess I'm just curious, has anyone else had their spouse want an additional 'partner', yet want to keep things the same with you? I don't have anyone (other than her) to discuss this with (and I know where she stands with this Lol), and needed to hear from other non-judgemental, sexually-open people what they think of all this.

8.b.) Thanks for listening to me ramble, and I'll answer honestly any questions you might have.

~D~


Hope that helps...

[Lacey]

Sweety,

How can it stay the same?
It's already "different".....the relationship has changed...someone else is in the picture....
And do you think it's fair to be on the sidelines? Have you asked her about that?

[jmsmith12345]

Be careful when opening Pandora's box. My apologies if your wife's name is Pandora, because I would never disparage her box in an open forum.

[Diamond_inthe_Rough]

Huz - Thanks lol, but not quite what I mean by sort out my thoughts. Thanks for the post though. :)

Lacey - I appreciate your thoughts. Yes, it sure has changed. Yes, we've spoken about my being on the sidelines. She's hoping that 'in time' he will become more comfortable with all three of us being together (which is ultimately what we both want), but for now she thinks that he and her need some alone time to build their budding relationship. I understand to some degree, but it's a tough pill to swallow.

jmsmith - Lol, no her name is not Pandora. But yes, we sure did open up a can of worms. Definitely was FUN, but wow, lots of complications.

[OnceAKing]

I wasn't sure where to post this, and then I read CuteNCGal's post about her recent 'fun', and thought "Perfect". Thanks CuteNCGal for sharing that post, I can relate to your recent preoccupation with recent events.

Sorry for the very long post, I just wanted to share the full story...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi all!
I'm new here, and this might be pretty deep for a newbie post, but I just gotta get my thoughts out. And from reading here, you all seem like a great bunch to get feedback from.

Wife and I are 32, and have been married for just under 10 years. We're very much in love, and enjoy making love, but some of the spark/flirting has declined if I'm honest with myself. Also (and this is probably important to know) until very recently we had only ever been with each other.

I've always thought of myself as a closet swinger, and have always encouraged her in as many ways as possible to become more open with her sexuality. See we both grew up in stoic Christian families and have had those moral compasses impressed heavily on us.

About 6-12 months ago she had a bit of a sexual awakening and we went from sex maybe once a month to more like 3-4 times a week. Recently she's taken to flirting with guys online (and a little cyber) and she's always kept me 'in the know', in fact she had an account on this website first to see who was in the chatroom, and I've always encouraged her.

Well, she met a guy who she really liked, and we finally decided to pursue a little extra fun for her and him. This past weekend we visited and they were able to spent the first night together alone, and the second night I was able to join them (much to his reluctance).

I had always thought that it would be US (me and her) and a third party, but now she really is in love with him (and him with her) and they want to spend some "them time" and that's difficult for me to agree to and deal with. I guess I really want nothing more than her happiness, but I can't imagine spending any time away from her.

We've talked about all this until we're blue in the face, and I know 100% that she loves me and we're not breaking up, getting a divorce, etc, etc, but she wants to add this new element to her life. I guess I'm just a little jealous that (at this time anyways) I'm not invited to the party - until he might get more comfortable with that.

I guess I'm just curious, has anyone else had their spouse want an additional 'partner', yet want to keep things the same with you? I don't have anyone (other than her) to discuss this with (and I know where she stands with this Lol), and needed to hear from other non-judgemental, sexually-open people what they think of all this.

Thanks for listening to me ramble, and I'll answer honestly any questions you might have.

~D~


Not really advice and certainly not constructively helpful, but if your story was mine I'm pretty sure I'd follow it up with something like, "What the fuck was I thinking?"

[jmsmith12345]

Let me put this into a little math equation for you...

2 people x 10 years x 0 other sex parters + 1 get some dick for free card + 1 sexually awakened woman - 1 "ride" no longer being enough = 1 deep pile of shit for you

[cyclops]

Let me put this into a little math equation for you...

2 people x 10 year x 0 other sex parters + 1 get some dick for free card + 1 sexually awakened woman - 1 "ride" no longer being enough = 1 deep pile of shit for you


This ^

[Nice]

I hate to say it D but I was thinking along the same lines as JMS...although I'm also thinking I wouldn't of said it so eloquently:ok

Let me put this into a little math equation for you...

2 people x 10 year x 0 other sex parters + 1 get some dick for free card + 1 sexually awakened woman - 1 "ride" no longer being enough = 1 deep pile of shit for you

[scoobertina]

the issue with opening up your marriage is that someone will always be hurt.. I have seen it numerous times.. one party will somehow always have more than the other... I am sorry you are going through this.. I really hope you can work things out.. but all we can do here is support you in whatever you decide to do..

I personally couldn't do it.. when I am with someone that is the one person for me.. I would be super jealous if my man was with another woman and was in love with her.. hey, I get jealous when my friends are with other women.. I have entertained thoughts of threesomes but again.. it could only be a one time thing..

I hope you can come to terms with your decision.. and as long as your and your wife keep an open line of communication I think perhaps things can work for you..

all I can say is good luck..

[Huzyerdaddi]

Here's a thought. Since it all F'd up now, you can either abandon ship (i.e. accept the change) or just see how much more you can f*ck it up.

Bring another women into the "equation"

[jmsmith12345]

I hate to say it D but I was thinking along the same lines as JMS...although I'm also thinking I wouldn't of said it so eloquently:ok

You know you have landed in bizarro M&F when someone calls me eloquent. :D

[Han Solo]

You know you have landed in bizarro M&F when someone calls me eloquent. :D
Interesting that "eloquence" for you involves using half the post as numbers and not actual words :sc

[jmsmith12345]

Interesting that "eloquence" for you involves using half the post as numbers and not actual words :sc

even more interesting is that I got the math right

[Han Solo]

even more interesting is that I got the math right
Well my calculator is on the fritz so I'll have to take your word on that one....you are the professional algorithm guy after all :sg

[Diamond_inthe_Rough]

Thanks so much everyone for your feedback. I really really appreciate ALL the comments. (It's making it hard to focus no work today, but heck it's friday - and I wasn't thinking all that much about work all week as it was after last weekend.)

OnceAKing - What was I thinking? Hmm. Well, I love my wife so much that I wanted to see her happy (orgasmically happy), and since it had only ever been us, I can only imagine how exciting it was for her to have a "get some dick for free card" - as JMS so eloquently put it. Did it work out the way I had imagined? Lol, no not quite, but we're still communicating and working on it together.

JMS - Great analogy. Yes, I've been concerned that I might not be 'enough of a high' for her anymore. Sex can be like a drug - at least new sex. I don't mind sharing her (oddly enough), but sharing and giving away are two quite different things in my mind.

Scoob - I'm not really hurting too much yet. Just concerned that if I have to spend too much time apart from her - well, I'm nervous for that. You're right, in a 3-some unless everyone is 'cool with it' then someone's the odd-person-out. Since I live with my wife (obvious), he will be the lonely one most of the time, I guess that's how I can justify giving her some free-passes every now and again to go exploring. I just wish we were doing it together...maybe in time.

Huz - Lol, trust me I would like nothing more. Again that's not the situation I'm facing (more's the shame), but maybe in time.

[Curiousoneonly]

I wasn't sure where to post this, and then I read CuteNCGal's post about her recent 'fun', and thought "Perfect". Thanks CuteNCGal for sharing that post, I can relate to your recent preoccupation with recent events.

Sorry for the very long post, I just wanted to share the full story...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi all!
I'm new here, and this might be pretty deep for a newbie post, but I just gotta get my thoughts out. And from reading here, you all seem like a great bunch to get feedback from.

Wife and I are 32, and have been married for just under 10 years. We're very much in love, and enjoy making love, but some of the spark/flirting has declined if I'm honest with myself. Also (and this is probably important to know) until very recently we had only ever been with each other.

I've always thought of myself as a closet swinger, and have always encouraged her in as many ways as possible to become more open with her sexuality. See we both grew up in stoic Christian families and have had those moral compasses impressed heavily on us.

About 6-12 months ago she had a bit of a sexual awakening and we went from sex maybe once a month to more like 3-4 times a week. Recently she's taken to flirting with guys online (and a little cyber) and she's always kept me 'in the know', in fact she had an account on this website first to see who was in the chatroom, and I've always encouraged her. This sexual awakening was it brought on by this man or another man?

Well, she met a guy who she really liked, and we finally decided to pursue a little extra fun for her and him. This past weekend we visited and they were able to spent the first night together alone, and the second night I was able to join them (much to his reluctance).

I had always thought that it would be US (me and her) and a third party, but now she really is in love with him (and him with her) and they want to spend some "them time" and that's difficult for me to agree to and deal with. I guess I really want nothing more than her happiness, but I can't imagine spending any time away from her. You always thought you would be involved, so is it safe to assume you discussed with your wife at great lengths the terms or conditions. So she is in love with him and he with her. That in itself would scare me. When did emotions start to play a part in this? What about your happiness?

We've talked about all this until we're blue in the face, and I know 100% that she loves me and we're not breaking up, getting a divorce, etc, etc, but she wants to add this new element to her life. I guess I'm just a little jealous that (at this time anyways) I'm not invited to the party - until he might get more comfortable with that. What about adding an element to your life? I wonder how she would feel if the roles were reversed. Who is to say this man will ever be comfortable with you participating.

I guess I'm just curious, has anyone else had their spouse want an additional 'partner', yet want to keep things the same with you? I don't have anyone (other than her) to discuss this with (and I know where she stands with this Lol), and needed to hear from other non-judgemental, sexually-open people what they think of all this. Sounds as if one wants their cake and eat too. But don't we all.

Thanks for listening to me ramble, and I'll answer honestly any questions you might have.

~D~

A relationship as such requires a greater sense of trust and honesty. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of your wife going off to play with another man then you need to let her know. As this term/condition should have been established from the get go.

[Diamond_inthe_Rough]

Curious -
Thank you very much for your honest and thoughtful feedback.
Sorry, I'm no good at quoting on these boards yet. I shall do my best though.

"This sexual awakening was it brought on by this man or another man?"

Definitely was not by this guy, he's more recent. But I cannot remember exactly when things began to change. "Before" she used to complain about sex hurting a bit, so that is one of the reasons why it was so infrequent. And everything was fine - our relationship is not defined by sex - believe it or not (lol). So when it stopped hurting as much recently I chalked it up to her being 31/32 years old, possibly reaching her sexual peak. I don't believe it was due to any specific guy, to be honest.


"You always thought you would be involved, so is it safe to assume you discussed with your wife at great lengths the terms or conditions. So she is in love with him and he with her. That in itself would scare me. When did emotions start to play a part in this? What about your happiness?"

Yes, we discussed this at length, but obviously we missed a few points. I guess we were clear with each other what our expectations were, but when he came into the picture obviously his thoughts/feelings were to be considered as well, and I hadn't imagined that he wouldn't 'be cool' with all three of us in bed. And at that point I couldn't bring myself to deny her a night of 'fun'. Maybe sometimes I'm just a shmuck in love.

Emotions always play a part (imo). We both need to care for someone to be intimate with them. I wouldn't expect her to just 'have a fling' with someone and not have feelings for them. We just don't work that way, I just didn't expect her to be 'in love'.

And as far as my happiness goes, I'm happy if she's happy...but deep down I know it's not really that simple...I guess I just don't have a good answer for that one yet.


"What about adding an element to your life? I wonder how she would feel if the roles were reversed. Who is to say this man will ever be comfortable with you participating."

As far a the roles being reversed, she has already claimed that she's not cool with that at this time. I know, I know...it's not "fair" (but who says life is fair? lol). I do know though that she is bi-curious at least at some level, and trust me I work on that when I can. ;) I am the eternal optimist and hope that someday we can experiement in that realm as well.

I know that he is 'somewhat' comfortable with me, as we made okay friends between the two of us (we spent the weekend with him), and also on the second night all three of us did spend the night in bed. But he has indicated since then that this was very uncomfortable with him and is reluctant to repeat the scene.


"Sounds as if one wants their cake and eat too. But don't we all."

Yes, yes, don't we all. :) I do not blame my wife for her desires, I simply try to find a way to make them work for all of us.

[Curiousoneonly]

Curious -
Thank you very much for your honest and thoughtful feedback.
Sorry, I'm no good at quoting on these boards yet. I shall do my best though.

"This sexual awakening was it brought on by this man or another man?"

Definitely was not by this guy, he's more recent. But I cannot remember exactly when things began to change. "Before" she used to complain about sex hurting a bit, so that is one of the reasons why it was so infrequent. And everything was fine - our relationship is not defined by sex - believe it or not (lol). So when it stopped hurting as much recently I chalked it up to her being 31/32 years old, possibly reaching her sexual peak. I don't believe it was due to any specific guy, to be honest. Okay, if you say so.


"You always thought you would be involved, so is it safe to assume you discussed with your wife at great lengths the terms or conditions. So she is in love with him and he with her. That in itself would scare me. When did emotions start to play a part in this? What about your happiness?"

Yes, we discussed this at length, but obviously we missed a few points. I guess we were clear with each other what our expectations were, but when he came into the picture obviously his thoughts/feelings were to be considered as well, and I hadn't imagined that he wouldn't 'be cool' with all three of us in bed. And at that point I couldn't bring myself to deny her a night of 'fun'. Maybe sometimes I'm just a shmuck in love. You are not a schmuck, you are just in love.

Emotions always play a part (imo). We both need to care for someone to be intimate with them. I wouldn't expect her to just 'have a fling' with someone and not have feelings for them. We just don't work that way, I just didn't expect her to be 'in love'. Surprise!

And as far as my happiness goes, I'm happy if she's happy...but deep down I know it's not really that simple...I guess I just don't have a good answer for that one yet. Wow, you are a thoughtful guy. Without sounding like I am a bitch, believe what you want to believe. In all honesty I wouldn't be happy with the current situation. Especially if all terms were indeed discussed prior to the meeting. Oh that is right, you forgot a few. ;)

"What about adding an element to your life? I wonder how she would feel if the roles were reversed. Who is to say this man will ever be comfortable with you participating."

As far a the roles being reversed, she has already claimed that she's not cool with that at this time. I know, I know...it's not "fair" (but who says life is fair? lol). I do know though that she is bi-curious at least at some level, and trust me I work on that when I can. ;) I am the eternal optimist and hope that someday we can experiement in that realm as well.
So she is not comfortable with the thought of you being with another woman right now. Hmm.... :sc

I know that he is 'somewhat' comfortable with me, as we made okay friends between the two of us (we spent the weekend with him), and also on the second night all three of us did spend the night in bed. But he has indicated since then that this was very uncomfortable with him and is reluctant to repeat the scene.


"Sounds as if one wants their cake and eat too. But don't we all."

Yes, yes, don't we all. :) I do not blame my wife for her desires, I simply try to find a way to make them work for all of us.

Good luck.

[Frenchie_lady]

This may not mean much at the level you guys are now... but seems logical to me that if a 3rd party (or many 3rd parties) is to be added, feelings should not.

To me, its the fact that she is "in love" with that guy that is the problem. And its not about time alone with him that will help him accept YOU (see the warp idea that is) into the 3 some...

Good luck!

[fourisit]

I have been in this exact position..except I we both had someone who we were exclusivly with. It was another couple..my best friend and her husband. We started out just having threesomes and progressed very quickly to spending time alone together. We thought we were being very logical about the whole thing. Everything was in the open. We all talked and had rules and very specific times that we were togehter. We were honest with each other as feelings grew beyond just the sex. We thought we could control it and keep things separated. WE WERE VERY WRONG! My husband left me for her. She is getting a divorce from her husband and they will be together when its all over. I watched it happen. It was open and out there..no one was going behind the others back and yet feeling grew and the desire to be with her grew far stronger then the desire to be with me. See they had no life stress together: No bills, kids, work stress, home stress and that is very appealing..the simplicity of the love that is not bogged down with all that is very very appealing. It will continue to evolve. I am sure you will say that wont happen to you but if they say they are in love and have only been together once and he didnt want you there you think it will stop at just that? If you love her then you need to stake your claim or lose it. Its one thing to have a random meeting with him once..a fun weekend that ends when the sun comes up on Monday but it sounds like to me that she has invested some of her heart and that is not going to be easy to deal with when she gives more and more to him as they spend more " them time"..Having been there I would say you are in a very dangerouse place..you can move forward and reason it will all work its self out or pull you both back from the edge and refocus before you lose the person you love.

Just my experience

[Diamond_inthe_Rough]

Wow...... Just wow.......
Thank you so much for your words...I truly appreciate your post.

I think tonight my wife and I are going to have another heart-to-heart conversation while we read through this thread. Thanks so much for everyone's feedback.


I have been in this exact position..except I we both had someone who we were exclusivly with. It was another couple..my best friend and her husband. We started out just having threesomes and progressed very quickly to spending time alone together. We thought we were being very logical about the whole thing. Everything was in the open. We all talked and had rules and very specific times that we were togehter. We were honest with each other as feelings grew beyond just the sex. We thought we could control it and keep things separated. WE WERE VERY WRONG! My husband left me for her. She is getting a divorce from her husband and they will be together when its all over. I watched it happen. It was open and out there..no one was going behind the others back and yet feeling grew and the desire to be with her grew far stronger then the desire to be with me. See they had no life stress together: No bills, kids, work stress, home stress and that is very appealing..the simplicity of the love that is not bogged down with all that is very very appealing. It will continue to evolve. I am sure you will say that wont happen to you but if they say they are in love and have only been together once and he didnt want you there you think it will stop at just that? If you love her then you need to stake your claim or lose it. Its one thing to have a random meeting with him once..a fun weekend that ends when the sun comes up on Monday but it sounds like to me that she has invested some of her heart and that is not going to be easy to deal with when she gives more and more to him as they spend more " them time"..Having been there I would say you are in a very dangerouse place..you can move forward and reason it will all work its self out or pull you both back from the edge and refocus before you lose the person you love.

Just my experience

[fourisit]

Your very welcome..if I could go back with the knowledge I have now to the place you are at I would take my husband and run. We had problems before dont get me wrong he didnt leave just for her but I would have worked on them and saved us. There is a reason for keeping your sex life between the two of you..lines become bleary really fast and you reason that each step is working ok and your communicating so whats taking it one step further. My husband and I had the same situation as you..we could tell each other everything. We were honest and open as it happened but eventually we had to be honest that things had moved beyond just sex for the two of them and he didnt love me anymore..he wanted her only.

[Nice]

It was hard for me to say anything other than you both need to wake up when I first read your post but hopefully fourisit sharing her personal experience on this exact situation will help you and your wife make the decision that is ultimately best for your marriage. Best of luck and welcome to M&F!

I have been in this exact position..except I we both had someone who we were exclusivly with. It was another couple..my best friend and her husband. We started out just having threesomes and progressed very quickly to spending time alone together. We thought we were being very logical about the whole thing. Everything was in the open. We all talked and had rules and very specific times that we were togehter. We were honest with each other as feelings grew beyond just the sex. We thought we could control it and keep things separated. WE WERE VERY WRONG! My husband left me for her. She is getting a divorce from her husband and they will be together when its all over. I watched it happen. It was open and out there..no one was going behind the others back and yet feeling grew and the desire to be with her grew far stronger then the desire to be with me. See they had no life stress together: No bills, kids, work stress, home stress and that is very appealing..the simplicity of the love that is not bogged down with all that is very very appealing. It will continue to evolve. I am sure you will say that wont happen to you but if they say they are in love and have only been together once and he didnt want you there you think it will stop at just that? If you love her then you need to stake your claim or lose it. Its one thing to have a random meeting with him once..a fun weekend that ends when the sun comes up on Monday but it sounds like to me that she has invested some of her heart and that is not going to be easy to deal with when she gives more and more to him as they spend more " them time"..Having been there I would say you are in a very dangerouse place..you can move forward and reason it will all work its self out or pull you both back from the edge and refocus before you lose the person you love.

Just my experience

[fever]

Welcome to the site....sounds like a very challenging situation and its great that you're communicating but as others have said, you need to be very careful.

It sounds like without planning to you've moved from looking for fun to a possible open marriage. All the rules in the world can't necessarily help you...you simply can't predict where things might go. And more importantly, feelings tend not to obey the rules.

If the two of you are truly in love you stand to lose everything.

[Curiousoneonly]

Thank you for sharing your experience. :hug:

I have been in this exact position..except I we both had someone who we were exclusivly with. It was another couple..my best friend and her husband. We started out just having threesomes and progressed very quickly to spending time alone together. We thought we were being very logical about the whole thing. Everything was in the open. We all talked and had rules and very specific times that we were togehter. We were honest with each other as feelings grew beyond just the sex. We thought we could control it and keep things separated. WE WERE VERY WRONG! My husband left me for her. She is getting a divorce from her husband and they will be together when its all over. I watched it happen. It was open and out there..no one was going behind the others back and yet feeling grew and the desire to be with her grew far stronger then the desire to be with me. See they had no life stress together: No bills, kids, work stress, home stress and that is very appealing..the simplicity of the love that is not bogged down with all that is very very appealing. It will continue to evolve. I am sure you will say that wont happen to you but if they say they are in love and have only been together once and he didnt want you there you think it will stop at just that? If you love her then you need to stake your claim or lose it. Its one thing to have a random meeting with him once..a fun weekend that ends when the sun comes up on Monday but it sounds like to me that she has invested some of her heart and that is not going to be easy to deal with when she gives more and more to him as they spend more " them time"..Having been there I would say you are in a very dangerouse place..you can move forward and reason it will all work its self out or pull you both back from the edge and refocus before you lose the person you love.

Just my experience

[Curiousoneonly]

This may not mean much at the level you guys are now... but seems logical to me that if a 3rd party (or many 3rd parties) is to be added, feelings should not.

To me, its the fact that she is "in love" with that guy that is the problem. And its not about time alone with him that will help him accept YOU (see the warp idea that is) into the 3 some...

Good luck!

I tend to agree, feelings should not be added. Feelings only complicate things.

[cherri]

Wow! The only thing I can say is ...be careful! The problem with that whole scenerio is that you two weren't having real serious problems in the beginning, and now you've crossed that threshhold. Having an affair, whether it be a sexual or emotional affair, there is a line. A very fine line. Once you cross that line, there is no going back. Her not wanting you to be a part of the affair is a blatant disregard to you. Your position has changed, and being that there is feelings between the two of them, I would worry. If you are going to keep your marriage in tact, she has to keep her feelings for him in check. If she is having intense feelings for him, and she keeps seeing him. Your problems in your marriage is only going to perpetuate out of control. You both should of set limits in the beginning, and decided that if emotions were to get that intense (and they want alone time together) then she needs to find someone else to have sex with. Those types of emotions only complicate the marital end of the spectrum. But that is the risk you take when you open your marriage up to another for sex. Sex and emotion go hand in hand (especially for women). Hey, I've been a big girl, and planned it all out. I even set limits, and had a verbal contract all set up. Even predicting every scenerio of what could happen or what could go wrong, and agreed on when and how to seperate if it did. My plans, all failed. Human nature is unpredictable, and when your heart is calling the shots, it's unbearable. Be careful, this is something that can destroy your marriage, and break your heart. You need to figure out what it is you truly want. You are her husband, and in your position, you shouldn't take a backseat to no one.

[TIGUY]

Diamond, thanks for sharing and being so open with it all...

I have never traveled down that road nor would I but my thoughts on someone else enjoying it and a husband and wife agreeing to do it....well...what did you truly expect? Did you think it would be sexual passion without feelings of love? It could have been but there was always a chance that would happen and when it happens, the old saying is, "you made your own bed and must sleep in it"

I'm not trying to be sarcastic, I am trying to be realistic. That would be the first thought on my mind. If I was fine with my wife being had by another while I watched or double teamed for that matter...then I would also have to be okay if she fell in love with him as well...kind of "it comes with the territory" thing.

There are so many things in life that many of us don't consider because we are not ready to deal with possible circumstances that are not agreeable to us. If your wife was good enough to love for you, it stands to reason she would be good enough for others.

I guess I am trying to say you were not ready to share. Once you practice an open marriage, love with another can happen.

Thanks for being a stand up guy and I hope things work out as best as they can for you.

[MCat]

Scoob - I'm not really hurting too much yet. Just concerned that if I have to spend too much time apart from her - well, I'm nervous for that. You're right, in a 3-some unless everyone is 'cool with it' then someone's the odd-person-out. Since I live with my wife (obvious), he will be the lonely one most of the time, I guess that's how I can justify giving her some free-passes every now and again to go exploring. I just wish we were doing it together...maybe in time.


Not always true....you can be very lonely living in the same house. If your spouse doesn't love you like he/she used to, if your spouse doesn't talk to you, if your spouse doesn't want to make love with you...You will be very lonely.

[scoobertina]

Not always true....you can be very lonely living in the same house. If your spouse doesn't love you like he/she used to, if your spouse doesn't talk to you, if your spouse doesn't want to make love with you...You will be very lonely.

YES!!! MCat has it... you can be the lonely one in this relationship.. I think both M and I have been there.. married yes.. children filled the void for me.. but without the love, the passion, the communication.. I was very lonely.. and I think you could very well be the lonely one.. just as much as he could be.. I think this is a very hard situation to be in..

[Brandon301]

This is messed up. I read this and am thinking you and she are at a fork in the road. One path is that this really was an affair of sorts, she chooses to keep the marriage and forgets him, you forgive her, and you move on together. The other path leads to an eventual end of your marriage. I am sorry but I just don't see this ending any other way.

On the other hand, I know a couple, parents of one of my closest friend, where the wife had a single affair out in the open for like 30 years and they are still together. I have no idea what really went on between them, but it always looked like he had just made a decision to accept it and either he looked the other way or it was openly accepted by him. But they are growing old together, so maybe it can work, but I think only if you accept things that would make most men feel walked all over.

[Charmed]

Be careful what you wish for.

[bighands]

well, i have some weed man, that i REALLY think you should look into it. cause you need it more than me, and like, thats saying something. Cause, you know, in France they say: You are so F-cked!!

[Diamond_inthe_Rough]

Thanks for all the responses!
Just an little update.

I think my initial post was made while stressing about this, and might've painted my wife in a bad light. The two of us actually have a very strong relationship, and after some more discussions over the last couple days, I have no doubts that we'll make it through this successfully.

She had been able to discuss with this other guy some of our fears/concerns and has received good feedback in return. He has indicated that he is not interested in replacing me in her life. For a small number of reasons, they (as a permanent couple) would not work and they both know it and are accepting of this fact.

But they also want to continue to grow the friendship (probably with some benefits) that they have started, and not just cut-ties and go seperate ways. Now I know that others have expressed that this is a slippy slope, but I trust my wife and am open to her having this friendship with my blessing.

I've also discussed how I do feel like I'm on the sidelines and am still curious myself to be involved in some more 'adventures' in the future. She is agreeable and we're discussing some possibilities - without as much emotional attachment next time Lol.

Thank you all for your comments, I needed some support and got it here.
~D~

[leggy4]

Flirting isnt harmless after all... We all have emotions inside. Some are put aside bc our spouses are busy with their jobs etc... It is risky to say the least... I think it is a natural thing to want to go with one person.. My post sounds like nonsense!!!!! sorry

[Singeon]

I wasn't sure where to post this, and then I read CuteNCGal's post about her recent 'fun', and thought "Perfect". Thanks CuteNCGal for sharing that post, I can relate to your recent preoccupation with recent events.

Sorry for the very long post, I just wanted to share the full story...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi all!
I'm new here, and this might be pretty deep for a newbie post, but I just gotta get my thoughts out. And from reading here, you all seem like a great bunch to get feedback from.

Wife and I are 32, and have been married for just under 10 years. We're very much in love, and enjoy making love, but some of the spark/flirting has declined if I'm honest with myself. Also (and this is probably important to know) until very recently we had only ever been with each other.

I've always thought of myself as a closet swinger, and have always encouraged her in as many ways as possible to become more open with her sexuality. See we both grew up in stoic Christian families and have had those moral compasses impressed heavily on us.

About 6-12 months ago she had a bit of a sexual awakening and we went from sex maybe once a month to more like 3-4 times a week. Recently she's taken to flirting with guys online (and a little cyber) and she's always kept me 'in the know', in fact she had an account on this website first to see who was in the chatroom, and I've always encouraged her.

Well, she met a guy who she really liked, and we finally decided to pursue a little extra fun for her and him. This past weekend we visited and they were able to spent the first night together alone, and the second night I was able to join them (much to his reluctance).

I had always thought that it would be US (me and her) and a third party, but now she really is in love with him (and him with her) and they want to spend some "them time" and that's difficult for me to agree to and deal with. I guess I really want nothing more than her happiness, but I can't imagine spending any time away from her.

We've talked about all this until we're blue in the face, and I know 100% that she loves me and we're not breaking up, getting a divorce, etc, etc, but she wants to add this new element to her life. I guess I'm just a little jealous that (at this time anyways) I'm not invited to the party - until he might get more comfortable with that.

I guess I'm just curious, has anyone else had their spouse want an additional 'partner', yet want to keep things the same with you? I don't have anyone (other than her) to discuss this with (and I know where she stands with this Lol), and needed to hear from other non-judgemental, sexually-open people what they think of all this.

Thanks for listening to me ramble, and I'll answer honestly any questions you might have.

~D~

Thats the best description of "Cuckold" I have ever seen put in writing.

You should have been a little more specific when asking that Leprecaun for your wish ...they can be cunning little buggers...as you can now understand.

[Singeon]

Try pleading a closet interest in Voyerism...the other guy is reluctant to share...you are being very sharing with him..as is your wife...see how long your gaze takes to unsettle the pair of them...hey, they may get used to it and you may even come to enjoy the view from the corner chair...voila!...problem solved.