View Full Version : Searching for Perfect?
A few threads recently have caused me to start thinking about my marriage and what my next steps are going to be. Am I going to think about divorce or should I try once again to work on it.
This made me think of a conversation I had with a good friend a while back. Divorce was brought up in the conversation. I said that I have been thinking about it for some time and asked him if he had ever thought divorcing his wife. He said that he would not divorce his wife because his marriage is near perfect. The only thing lacking was physical intimacy. Why would he leave something near perfect in search of the perfect?
That brought up some questions. Are we all searching for a perfect that we may never find? Can we be perfectly happy in a marriage with no sex as long as everything else is "perfect"? And is everything really "perfect" otherwise if you come to a flirting site such as this?
maybe we always want what we can't have.....I don't know. I'm not looking for perfect, but I am looking for happy & content.
Barkiss
05-11-2009, 12:47 PM
NO relationship is perfect, except the one you don't have...
jmsmith12345
05-11-2009, 12:53 PM
I think to many of us fall into the fairy tale myth that is marriage, and when we start to realize that marriage should be listed under the definition of work, we tend to throw our hands up and say "fuck it!" I agree with Barkiss, no relationship is perfect, cause no person is perfect...or even close for that matter. I am no saint, never claimed to be, and never really want to be, but having someone to love, desire, and just put up with my imperfections is a blessing in itself.
Shawn
05-11-2009, 12:54 PM
I think its one of those "unachievable" goals... when do you ever really get to that "This is perfect" point and how long would it last? For the sake of argument if you did ever get there would that make you complacent in the relationship? I actually like my marriage, it gives me plenty of things to put on my "to Do" list and once I achieve a few things on it there is a sense of accomplishment, but I know there are always things to work on.
I just don't think there are perfect relationships as there are just not perfect people...
No there is not a perfect relationship. There are always little things that you have to accept. If this friend is happy and has learned to live without what is lacking, then he is right, near perfect it is. That is as close as it gets. I agree with him, I would be happy to give up some benefits of marriage to be happier in other areas.
I know sex is important, intimacy, but so is respect, caring, communication and just basic working as a team, to build a life and family. But it is not everything, Shawn hit it on the button in another thread. He and his wife realize the importance of intimacy, it is not lacking because neither is undesirable, issues, or they don't like it anymore. Sex happens less because of all the other stuff that has to happen to make them happy as well. Something tells me that it may not be as often as they want it to be, but when it happens, it is treasured all the more.
hazeleyes5
05-11-2009, 01:30 PM
the is no perfect relationship....marriage without sex...hard for me to understand..
communication from the heart is the center of relationships..if thats right everything else will fall into place..everything that matters..sex included.
Penny
05-11-2009, 01:40 PM
Nothing is perfect
Curiousoneonly
05-11-2009, 01:54 PM
A few threads recently have caused me to start thinking about my marriage and what my next steps are going to be. Am I going to think about divorce or should I try once again to work on it.
This made me think of a conversation I had with a good friend a while back. Divorce was brought up in the conversation. I said that I have been thinking about it for some time and asked him if he had ever thought divorcing his wife. He said that he would not divorce his wife because his marriage is near perfect. The only thing lacking was physical intimacy. Why would he leave something near perfect in search of the perfect?
That brought up some questions. Are we all searching for a perfect that we may never find? Can we be perfectly happy in a marriage with no sex as long as everything else is "perfect"? And is everything really "perfect" otherwise if you come to a flirting site such as this?
Asha, I will reiterate what others have already said, there is no perfect relationship. If one acts as if their relationship/marriage is perfect and they have no problems, I would say it is safe to assume there are problems with the relationship, it may be that one refuses to face the problems. Sometimes it is easier to live in denial then coming head on and trying to resolve the issue.
Exactly what is perfect? Unfortunately, I would have to say that I would not know perfect if I were to trip over it.
If one found what was to be considered perfect, would one even be satisfied? Or would one continue to look for something better.
I don't think one can be perfectly happy in a sexless marriage, as intimacy plays such a major role. Intimacy is where two become one. It is the giving of oneself, body, mind and soul to another. And that is what makes the marriage whole. Without it, I would think the marriage would suffer greatly.
Perhaps what one needs to do is adapt as life changes, perhaps sex isn't a priority like it was in the beginning, simply because you have different demands on your time.
Even though life has changed, and we have more demands on our time, we need to remember to make time for each other. If you do not make time for one another you will then lose each other in the hustle and bustle of everyday life.
leggy4
05-11-2009, 01:57 PM
i will agree that no relationship is perfect!! When there are games and lots of disrespectful comments... oh like mine... but if you think long and hard about divorce and what it means for children and it is a very scary thought.... When people get married they should think long and extremely hard about what it will mean a few years into it or perhaps 10 or so...
Barkiss
05-11-2009, 02:02 PM
i will agree that no relationship is perfect!! When there are games and lots of disrespectful comments... oh like mine... but if you think long and hard about divorce and what it means for children and it is a very scary thought.... When people get married they should think long and extremely hard about what it will mean a few years into it or perhaps 10 or so...
Doesn't everyone have a vision of their marriage when they get married? I can remember thinking that my wife would maintain her figure through her 70's, while producing me 3-4 children, keeping the house clean, cooking me 3 meals a day, sex every morning and every night, and I would become a master griller.
Well...I'm a hellava griller and we have 4 kids. :)
I have come to realize that there are MOMENTS of perfect in my marriage that I need to recognize. Such as the moments where I have my head on his lap watching our favourite show and he is running his hand through my hair. Or maybe when we watch a stand-up comedian and he laughs at how uncontrollable my laughter is. Those are the moments that connect you. You feel a sense of belonging. It's the little moments...and they may pass quickly, but I need to stop taking them for granted.
I don't want perfect either. It's the imperfections that make life interesting. Perfect is boring.
Han Solo
05-11-2009, 02:04 PM
I don't think perfection is something is possible. I believe there are moments when we feel like we have it. But as always, the ever changing thrill ride we call life keeps throwing new circumstances and rules into the game.
But I just don't think as humans we have the ability to remain content for the long term without growth. We seemed to be wired to always want a better job, more money, more free time, a thinner waist line and the list goes on. We can have a great job and love it.....but there inevitably comes that point where you say..."boy, I'd still like to be making more money" just as you can be happy or satisfied with your relationship and maybe even feel like it's perfect at certain points, but if it doesn't continue to evolve and grow or take new turns for the exciting then it fails our expectations as well. At one point you were ecstatic to be getting sex 4 times a week like clockwork for 5 years.....at some point if you're getting nothing but missionary for 5 years you're gonna reach a place of disappointment because the lack of variety won't be enough (Yes, I do know that we would all take 4 days a week of that, but work with me on the logic;) )
So the magical mystery is finding someone who grows and evolves on the same path and same rate as you do...........See how simple it is?! :rolleyes:
Barkiss
05-11-2009, 02:06 PM
I don't think perfection is something is possible. I believe there are moments when we feel like we have it. But as always, the ever changing thrill ride we call life keeps throwing new circumstances and rules into the game.
But I just don't think as humans we have the ability to remain content for the long term without growth. We seemed to be wired to always want a better job, more money, more free time, a thinner waist line and the list goes on. We can have a great job and love it.....but there inevitably comes that point where you say..."boy, I'd still like to be making more money" just as you can be happy or satisfied with your relationship and maybe even feel like it's perfect at certain points, but if it doesn't continue to evolve and grow or take new turns for the exciting then it fails our expectations as well. At one point you were ecstatic to be getting sex 4 times a week like clockwork for 5 years.....at some point if you're getting nothing but missionary for 5 years you're gonna reach a place of disappointment because the lack of variety won't be enough (Yes, I do know that we would all take 4 days a week of that, but work with me on the logic;) )
So the magical mystery is finding someone who grows and evolves on the same path and same rate as you do...........See how simple it is?! :rolleyes:
WTF!!! I'm sick for a few days and you turn into a philosophical wannabe? I have to now print out your posts for later bathroom reading, because I don't have the patience while on the site.
Shawn
05-11-2009, 02:08 PM
WTF!!! I'm sick for a few days and you turn into a philosophical wannabe? I have to now print out your posts for later bathroom reading, because I don't have the patience while on the site.
I said just about the same thing on his profile.... take a Monday to try and figure out what is going on here and we have "War and Peace" length posts to read up on :lmao
leggy4
05-11-2009, 02:09 PM
Doesn't everyone have a vision of their marriage when they get married? I can remember thinking that my wife would maintain her figure through her 70's, while producing me 3-4 children, keeping the house clean, cooking me 3 meals a day, sex every morning and every night, and I would become a master griller.
Well...I'm a hellava griller and we have 4 kids. :)
Well you had sex at least 4 times huh??? 4 kids is a beautiful family!!! Thank your lucky stars for them!! honey
Han Solo
05-11-2009, 02:10 PM
WTF!!! I'm sick for a few days and you turn into a philosophical wannabe? I have to now print out your posts for later bathroom reading, because I don't have the patience while on the site.
Oh stop....don't pretend like we don't REALLY know what you're doing in the bathroom while reading my brilliance :wk:
Barkiss
05-11-2009, 02:10 PM
Well you had sex at least 4 times huh??? 4 kids is a beautiful family!!! Thank your lucky stars for them!! honey
I do everyday....and I'm not complaining. I'm quite blessed.
Barkiss
05-11-2009, 02:11 PM
Oh stop....don't pretend like we don't REALLY know what you're doing in the bathroom while reading my brilliance :wk:
No...it's more like :*wipe*
Barkiss
05-11-2009, 02:11 PM
Damn...my emoticon didn't work ;)
Han Solo
05-11-2009, 02:12 PM
No...it's more like :*wipe*
Don't you mean....*scratch your feet repeatedly in a manner to cover it up* and then Bark in admiration of your work? :sc
leggy4
05-11-2009, 02:12 PM
I do everyday....and I'm not complaining. I'm quite blessed.
sweetie I wasnt saying that you were, just jealous thats all.... and yes you are blessed...
Thank you all for your thought provoking comments. I personally know that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. There are a lot of aspects of a relationship that needs to be in place for a happy and healthy marriage which is not the same as a perfect marriage.
As for my marriage, I know it will never be perfect and the lack of intimacy is not the only reason why I have been thinking about divorce. Respect, love, friendship...these are all concepts that should be in a healthy marriage. They unfortunately are not currently part of my own marriage. I know that I will never have the fairy tale marriage, but is it wrong of me to want to be held, spoken to like an adult not a child, be a priority in his life, and just matter. I do not think that those things would constitute a fairy tale marriage just a plain ole' marriage that works.
Barkiss
05-11-2009, 02:14 PM
Don't you mean....*scratch your feet repeatedly in a manner to cover it up* and then Bark in admiration of your work? :sc
I wouldn't waste the effort on your "brilliance".
Han Solo
05-11-2009, 02:16 PM
I wouldn't waste the effort on your "brilliance".
Whatever.
:ok
Han Solo
05-11-2009, 02:16 PM
I wouldn't waste the effort on your "brilliance".
And let's not forget nnlnn
:)
Barkiss
05-11-2009, 02:19 PM
And let's not forget nnlnn
:)
Plagiarizing hijacker....leave Asha's thread alone.
learman3
05-11-2009, 02:19 PM
I am agreeing with everyone here, no relationship is perfect.
What I think matters the most is what we can tolerate. There is no sex in my relationship, but that in itself would not be why I would leave. The thing that frustrates me most is the lack of compassion and affection. We seemed to have lost our connection together, we are totally on different paths from what I can tell.
So you need to base that decision on those things in your relationship that are not working. Do you generally think alike are those things you have differences on so large they are not correctable. Is there still love? I think so much needs to go into the decision, it's not easy end something you gave your lives promise too. If you love each other most problems are able to be worked out. It takes compromise on both parts, one person changing for the other does not work.
Han Solo
05-11-2009, 02:21 PM
Plagiarizing hijacker....leave Asha's thread alone.
Makes me feel all cheap and dirty for quoting you last night...yes, I gave you credit too!!
That's what I get for eating a bowl of Lucky Charms for lunch!!
Lacey
05-11-2009, 02:22 PM
I have come to realize that there are MOMENTS of perfect in my marriage that I need to recognize. Such as the moments where I have my head on his lap watching our favourite show and he is running his hand through my hair. Or maybe when we watch a stand-up comedian and he laughs at how uncontrollable my laughter is. Those are the moments that connect you. You feel a sense of belonging. It's the little moments...and they may pass quickly, but I need to stop taking them for granted.
I don't want perfect either. It's the imperfections that make life interesting. Perfect is boring.
I agree with you on this...
I agree with Kristy also, but this is how it goes in my house. There are those moments when u forget he/she is an ass, that you have bills, the kids are a pain. He/she does not respect you, blah, blah, blah. And u have that little moment where all is good in the world, you can laugh at one another. They are short and few between and I do think at those times, why can't it be like this always? But, then he or I (won't point fingers) snaps us back into reality and the moment is gone, seems like miles away.
I am beginning to think and wonder is that all there is? Am I selfish to want more? I don't want a better life, just a better marriage. I don't care about the car, the house, the job. Hell, make me a Wal-Mart greeter, with a pinto, just give me a good marriage. But, I am not that person and unfortunately, I may not be happy the other way around. I hope though, I have learned lessons and could be.
I agree with Kristy also, but this is how it goes in my house. There are those moments when u forget he/she is an ass, that you have bills, the kids are a pain. He/she does not respect you, blah, blah, blah. And u have that little moment where all is good in the world, you can laugh at one another. They are short and few between and I do think at those times, why can't it be like this always? But, then he or I (won't point fingers) snaps us back into reality and the moment is gone, seems like miles away.
I am beginning to think and wonder is that all there is? Am I selfish to want more? I don't want a better life, just a better marriage. I don't care about the car, the house, the job. Hell, make me a Wal-Mart greeter, with a pinto, just give me a good marriage. But, I am not that person and unfortunately, I may not be happy the other way around. I hope though, I have learned lessons and could be.
I feel the same way. There are those moments when you laugh and have fun but can you be truly happy waiting for those moments. What about all the other moments when you are not happy? It always seems like he knows when I am at my breaking point and when I am just about to call it quits, we have a moment. I get so confused (and it doesn't take much...lol)
Curiousoneonly
05-11-2009, 02:39 PM
Thank you all for your thought provoking comments. I personally know that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. There are a lot of aspects of a relationship that needs to be in place for a happy and healthy marriage which is not the same as a perfect marriage.
As for my marriage, I know it will never be perfect and the lack of intimacy is not the only reason why I have been thinking about divorce. Respect, love, friendship...these are all concepts that should be in a healthy marriage. They unfortunately are not currently part of my own marriage. I know that I will never have the fairy tale marriage, but is it wrong of me to want to be held, spoken to like an adult not a child, be a priority in his life, and just matter. I do not think that those things would constitute a fairy tale marriage just a plain ole' marriage that works.
Asha, it is not wrong for you to want those things.
Frenchie_lady
05-11-2009, 02:55 PM
I agree with Kristy also, but this is how it goes in my house. There are those moments when u forget he/she is an ass, that you have bills, the kids are a pain. He/she does not respect you, blah, blah, blah. And u have that little moment where all is good in the world, you can laugh at one another. They are short and few between and I do think at those times, why can't it be like this always? But, then he or I (won't point fingers) snaps us back into reality and the moment is gone, seems like miles away.
I am beginning to think and wonder is that all there is? Am I selfish to want more? I don't want a better life, just a better marriage. I don't care about the car, the house, the job. Hell, make me a Wal-Mart greeter, with a pinto, just give me a good marriage. But, I am not that person and unfortunately, I may not be happy the other way around. I hope though, I have learned lessons and could be.
Personally, those moments are getting fewer and longer in between, but they always make me wonder if i imagined all the BS that has been happening otherwise.
Reality usually snaps back withint moments... and i'm back in the BS and wondering what i'm gonna do with it!
Lacey
05-11-2009, 03:12 PM
I wonder how many of us think.........it's his job to make those moments?
I wonder how many of us think.........it's his job to make those moments?
OMG, if u only knew how hard I try to keep peace at my house and make those moments. But, not everyone is me or like me. I think that can be said on both sides. Either way, regardless those moments are precious and whatever happens they are still a good memory.
vicarious
05-11-2009, 03:30 PM
I think we'd all like to have perfect, yet settle for content and comfortable
scoobertina
05-11-2009, 04:30 PM
I am not going to find perfect? damn.. I was so hoping...
actually I think you can find "perfect for you".. no marriage will ever be completely without issues.. but if you are able to work on it together, as a team.. as a couple.. and if your love for one another keeps growing.. then you are perfect for each other.. that is what I am looking for.. that is what I have no yet found.. that is my dream..
Charmed
05-11-2009, 04:47 PM
I wasn't looking for perfection when I married him nor do I look for it now. Our Marriage isn't about sex.... It's about wanting to spend the rest of our lives together.
When we were first married I was insecure, jealous and clingy. I stayed home with the babies while he worked. The sex wasn't as great as it was before the babies but It was OK. After the boys got a bit older the sex became AMAZING and it made our marriage much stronger.
Over the years we have came full circle. The boys are grown, the sex is back to mediocre (most of the time.) And now he is the one that is insecure, jealous and clingy..
It is just another phase we will go through.... I am certain we will find the AMAZING sex again and I WILL be READY!
Marriage isn't easy. It takes work, understanding, respect, compassion, compromising and forgiveness..
CJSinIL
05-11-2009, 04:51 PM
Ummm I'm perfect. I feel that I may be the only perfect thing in this world. It's tough going through life with that on your shoulders.
In all seriousness. I have a pretty good marriage except for the intimacy part, which I desperately need. Yes, i'm desperate.....laugh it up. ha ha. But I have a wife I get along with 99% of the time, and have the two greatest children a father could ask for. Now if I could just get her interested in sex. Hopefully her libido catches up to her in the next 10 years. Or it could be a rough go of it. :sex
On the other hand. A few threads recently have caused me to start thinking about my marriage and what my next steps are going to be. Am I going to think about divorce or should I try once again to work on it.
This made me think of a conversation I had with a good friend a while back. Divorce was brought up in the conversation. I said that I have been thinking about it for some time and asked him if he had ever thought divorcing his wife. He said that he would not divorce his wife because his marriage is near perfect. The only thing lacking was physical intimacy. Why would he leave something near perfect in search of the perfect?
That brought up some questions. Are we all searching for a perfect that we may never find? Can we be perfectly happy in a marriage with no sex as long as everything else is "perfect"? And is everything really "perfect" otherwise if you come to a flirting site such as this?
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