Marriage.....do we want it to work?

[TIGUY]

Marriage.....do we want it to work?

Before and during the time I became a member here, I have heard the same basic issues of an unsuccessful marriage. There are many issues, some that seem minor while others appearing major with their common theme: “Is either spouse trying to make it work?” It seems that each time our spouse does something that absolutely gets under our skin, we immediately lash out at them directly or indirectly and treat them like we would do our friend or co-worker. Shouldn’t we hold a special place for them, knowing that marriage takes a lot of work and knowing we have committed to a lifetime together? It works both ways and our spouses are doing the same thing to us.

I realize many of us do try to work things out but if you listen to some of the issues that get aired publicly, it appears that the working out part has gone by the wayside. This can happen over a long period of time but my thoughts always come back right here, at this site. Is the attraction of other married members, with similar issues that we form personal bonds with, so strong that we close our eyes and dive into a new relationship whereby we don’t know our new online partner nearly as well as we did our spouse before we married them? Is the excitement, the reality or perhaps the false reality?

I’m not certain what I am trying to say here but all of these thoughts seemed to be forming a ball in my brain….and I need to know if they were malignant or not…I guess.

To the members who will make me smile…..these are my thoughts…not accusations

[JonJon62]

Quick question .. have you stopped beating your wife yet?? --- and that WAS a joke!!

Oh, sorry. On a serious note, do we really try to work things out or are we lulled into the "grass is greener" mentality, thinking that if only we were "with" the right person things would be wonderful. IMHO, ladies are caught up in the Harlequin romance idea of marriage, where the man is always perfect and they live happily ever after. What does that mean by the way? Guys are sometimes just big boys, not knowing how to relate or to have a meaningful 'relationship" (Dang I used the R word).

Straight up, it takes a LOT of work to have a meaningful and successful relationship from both partners. Some times we're better at it than at others. Sometimes we might not even LIKE the person we married. However, love and like are different beasts. Call me old fashioned, but nobody was behind me twisting my arm when I made that commitment. (Apologies to those who had a shotgun involved in their nuptials). That is what a marriage really is ... a commitment. Now, there are times when that is all we have to fall back on, are we truly people of our word.

The next question is, how hard are we really willing to work at it? How willing are we to move out of our "comfort zone" (and I'm not talking the bedroom here) in order to try to make things work? How willing are we to make sacrifices, to look for the best instead of the worst in our partners? Some times the question is, how willing are we to grow up and take responsibility for ourselves. Straight up, you will kill yourself trying to change the other person. You can, however, make changes to yourself, your expectations, your attitudes, etc.

So how long do we try, and at what point is the breaking of the commitment allowable? Answering that question would take more time than I have now. Yes, I believe it is allowable. However, we need to try our best to work things out before that point is reached.

But to answer the main question .. I think the majority of us want our marriages to succeed (at least at the onset). Sometimes we have to "gut it out" when things are tough. But can any of us truly say that we want our relationships to fail?

I tried to make this a bit light (on purpose), but it is a serious question. I look forward to seeing other responses ...

[scoobertina]

when I came to the site I had already decided (years before) that I wasn't going to stay in my marriage..

I see men and women here who are in love with their spouse.. I see a few asking for advice.. I have seen men and women leave the site to work on their marriages.. and I have seen some of them grow better..

I wish everyone good luck in their marriages.. if you love your partner, your spouse you are lucky.. if they return your love you are fortunate.. not everyone gets that.. I didn't.. and I wanted it.. no.. I want that.. I will honestly say that I am jealous of people here who love their spouses and that love is returned.. you have something I have wanted all my life and haven't found.. so give your spouse a quick kiss tonight for me.. and thank them.. as I thank you for giving me insight, that it truly can happen..

[sweet]

Marriage.....do we want it to work?

Before and during the time I became a member here, I have heard the same basic issues of an unsuccessful marriage. There are many issues, some that seem minor while others appearing major with their common theme: “Is either spouse trying to make it work?” It seems that each time our spouse does something that absolutely gets under our skin, we immediately lash out at them directly or indirectly and treat them like we would do our friend or co-worker. Shouldn’t we hold a special place for them, knowing that marriage takes a lot of work and knowing we have committed to a lifetime together? It works both ways and our spouses are doing the same thing to us.

I realize many of us do try to work things out but if you listen to some of the issues that get aired publicly, it appears that the working out part has gone by the wayside. This can happen over a long period of time but my thoughts always come back right here, at this site. Is the attraction of other married members, with similar issues that we form personal bonds with, so strong that we close our eyes and dive into a new relationship whereby we don’t know our new online partner nearly as well as we did our spouse before we married them? Is the excitement, the reality or perhaps the false reality?

I’m not certain what I am trying to say here but all of these thoughts seemed to be forming a ball in my brain….and I need to know if they were malignant or not…I guess.

To the members who will make me smile…..these are my thoughts…not accusations


Sure, I've been known to write some posts bitching about some of the things that my husband does that irritate me, and some things he's done in the past that have hurt me (mostly through posting in my personal blog), but I do this in the hopes that I will get some feedback from others who've had to deal with the same issues. Then, I sit and think about how I should handle the situation myself. Eventually I talk things out with my husband and see if we can come to some sort of resolution. I see nothing wrong with that.

I do value the commitment I made, and I know that marriage takes a lot of work, but sometimes I've just got to get some built up frustrations off my chest, so I post them on here. I'm not trying to make it sound like I'm looking for a way out of my marriage or anything. It's just venting, plain and simple. I don't feel that posting about some of the problems I'm going through in my marriage devalues the love I have for my spouse and our commitment to each other. If he was on this site, I know he'd be posting about it as well. I see this site as a place to not only make friends and have fun, but to talk about the issues that can affect all marriages, and learn how other married couples worked through those issues. That's it.

Sure, I might have little naughty thoughts about some of the men here ;), but that's as far as it goes, and I'm perfectly happy with that. I'm not here to break up someone's marriage and break up my own.
Honestly, I'm not really certain at what you were trying to say here either, but this was just how I took it. Hopefully it makes some sense.

[Shawn]

I am more of the kind of person whom falls right in line with sweet. I have been married almost 9 years, and we dated for 10 before that. Truth is I just could not imagine life without her, nor would I want to. Sure we have our issues .... just like anyone else... marriage is not something that you can just take for granted and expect it to always be there... its work and I am always finding something new about myself that I need to work on. Alot of those things I discovered right here listening (reading) to all of you and your different views, its amazing when you read someones thoughts and ya just go... "Wow.. that makes so much sense an idiot like me could try that......." and slowly but surely I found things getting better between her and I. This place has become very theraputic and has been a source of great topics/ ideas to share with her and discuss. She knows I am here, was not to happy about it but when I told her what a good boy I am (Ok ... ok ... she knows better )

To answer what I think was a question... I do think people would want to have their marriage suceed, but also lets be honest.... sometimes its a really great thing to know someone other than that person you have spent so much time with could find you interesting, funny, hell...even sexy, its a huge ego booster .... I personally do not need these things because lets just face it... I am pretty damn full of myself as it is.... :D

[Big Sexy]

There is no right or wrong response to this........

Marriage is like a book, There are many chapters, the key is can you keep it strong, through all the chapters?

My story is.....I had a long fun sexy exciting life being single, Then I thought, it was time to settle down, so I married a friend. I thought friendship was the most important thing. I missed the exciting sexy life I used to have. I'm jealous to those who have both..... I found this site, and it reminded me how exciting sex can be, My problem is, I married a merry go round, but miss the Matterhorn.

[leggy4]

I think that marriage is alot like people you talk to.. Try to respect what they wish.. If they wish to be left alone then you should do that!!!!!! respect is the key to any relationship....

[jmsmith12345]

Hmmm...I have been with my wife a very long time, had lots of ups, downs and everything in between. She has put up with my stubbornness, my unusual sense of humor, my dive into everything head first even if the pool is a bit shallow mentality, and lately has put up with a lot of other crap, but she has always been there for me in good times and bad, so why in the world would I want to train another one to do all that? Hell yes, I want my marriage to work. Besides, do you have any idea how long it would take to divide all the collective crap we have 50/50?

[leggy4]

Hmmm...I have been with my wife a very long time, had lots of ups, downs and everything in between. She has put up with my stubbornness, my unusual sense of humor, my dive into everything head first even if the pool is a bit shallow mentality, and lately has put up with a lot of other crap, but she has always been there for me in good times and bad, so why in the world would I want to train another one to do all that? Hell yes, I want my marriage to work. Besides, do you have any idea how long it would take to divide all the collective crap we have 50/50?

;I was thinking about all that yesterday in fact... as my husband made googley eyes at a sales clerk!!!!!!!:sc

[Lacey]

I am more of the kind of person whom falls right in line with sweet. I have been married almost 9 years, and we dated for 10 before that. Truth is I just could not imagine life without her, nor would I want to. Sure we have our issues .... just like anyone else... marriage is not something that you can just take for granted and expect it to always be there... its work and I am always finding something new about myself that I need to work on. Alot of those things I discovered right here listening (reading) to all of you and your different views, its amazing when you read someones thoughts and ya just go... "Wow.. that makes so much sense an idiot like me could try that......." and slowly but surely I found things getting better between her and I. This place has become very theraputic and has been a source of great topics/ ideas to share with her and discuss. She knows I am here, was not to happy about it but when I told her what a good boy I am (Ok ... ok ... she knows better )

To answer what I think was a question... I do think people would want to have their marriage suceed, but also lets be honest.... sometimes its a really great thing to know someone other than that person you have spent so much time with could find you interesting, funny, hell...even sexy, its a huge ego booster .... I personally do not need these things because lets just face it... I am pretty damn full of myself as it is.... :D


I'm falling in-line with you....I wouldn't know what my life would be without him in it...he's all I know and truthfully all I need....

Just like any relationship...whether it be friendship or something romantic...it takes work on both parts..I see the good and bad in him...as he does with me...but I love everything about him....to not work on it....for me.....would be giving up on myself as well as him.....

Coming here doesn't mean I "want" something else...this is a place to have fun and like Shawn says...it's nice to know others think you're interesting....but online relationships could or would never cheapen what I have at home....it's truly incomparable..I think people bond with each other on here....but to me...I could never bond with anyone else as I have him....never!

[Sneaky]

All marriages have issues. Some more difficult than others to work on. I don't think that most of us really even knew we were looking for anything when we joined other than maybe to be a little naughty and were curious. I never thought I would be here almost two years and 11,000 posts later that's for sure.

Personally, what I have found here, in most respects, makes me a better spouse. Yes, that could be debated I'm sure. He doesn't know I'm here..but I'm here enough that if he wanted to know I would have been busted at this point I'm sure. I don't want to not honor my comitment & my vows....


Needs change over time...people change over time. Do you just pack up and head for the door when you hit a bumpy road? Some people do, but I think a lot of the people that are here are not those kinds of people. I'm getting my needs met without ripping lives apart & abandoning someone who has pretty much been a good person our many years together.

Yes, I could ignore things that I need and be the "good wife". I tried that for two years before coming here. I was angry about it and had lost some of my spark & my zest.

Am I rationalizing or explaining? I'm not sure.

[Sweet_Redd]

this post is way too serious. it made me think. when i think, i get a headache. seriously though. this topic makes me evaluate my relationship. i at times hate my husband and hate being married to him. while at other times, i love him. since my husband has stopped the drinking and the late nights out, and the phone conversation with other women, our marriage has changed also. i thought stepping out was the answer, but i only ended up with a bigger headache. things are better, but i still can't say that i'm in love with him again. where we both have made some major changes, we still have our setbacks. i'm just trying to take the bad as well as the good. seem like everytime we overcome one hurdle, we're jumping over another. at first i always blamed things on him. then i realized i had to make some changes about myself. my number one change that has helped me a lot was to learn to love myself. that made a big difference.

[FizProf]

It used to be that my wife and I could check out women together...
dunno what happened to us in that way...but I guess if that's what we have to give up ti make it work...

[Brink]

Speaking of my own marriage, my wife and I are in the position of having very little to argue about – no kids, no home, family or work worries. I don’t think we really ‘work’ at our relationship, as it's not continually attested; we just go with the flow until something major crops up. Then, we stay up all night talking about it. She is pretty tolerant of what I do, so if she does voice an objection, I know it’s not without a meaningful reason to her, and I usually back down. And it’s rare she does anything I could disapprove of – she’s a very level-headed, dependable sort (whereas, I’m prone to stupidity!). We have similar standards and expectations, and they haven’t changed much over time- I think that is the key. And we show respect, trust and honesty behind the scenes, as well as to each others’ faces. You can not stay in love without that.

I guess we’re just not as close as we used to be: we don’t live in each other’s pockets, we don’t go everywhere together, and we don’t consult or confide over every little thing, anymore. But the romance is still there, good humour and affection….just that the timing and motivation might be a little ulterior! And we take selfish liberties at times, take things for granted, push for understanding, and manipulate the other to gain ground: if one can manipulate in an obvious, light-hearted fashion! There’s a lot we comfortably ignore about our relationship that maybe others just wouldn’t stand for, which is why we must succeed! However, I do worry that apathy will creep in if we keep on suiting ourselves too much, that’s where the void of not having children comes in - you can focus on yourselves beyond what’s reasonable, and you don’t really know what responsibility is!

In terms of bonding with somebody else, I feel part of the attraction is due to some familiarites/ similarities with my marriage. So, for me, it's not a means of distancing myself...but I believe many online activities can be used for that.

[OnceAKing]

Marriage.....do we want it to work?

Before and during the time I became a member here, I have heard the same basic issues of an unsuccessful marriage. There are many issues, some that seem minor while others appearing major with their common theme: “Is either spouse trying to make it work?” It seems that each time our spouse does something that absolutely gets under our skin, we immediately lash out at them directly or indirectly and treat them like we would do our friend or co-worker. Shouldn’t we hold a special place for them, knowing that marriage takes a lot of work and knowing we have committed to a lifetime together? It works both ways and our spouses are doing the same thing to us.

I realize many of us do try to work things out but if you listen to some of the issues that get aired publicly, it appears that the working out part has gone by the wayside. This can happen over a long period of time but my thoughts always come back right here, at this site. Is the attraction of other married members, with similar issues that we form personal bonds with, so strong that we close our eyes and dive into a new relationship whereby we don’t know our new online partner nearly as well as we did our spouse before we married them? Is the excitement, the reality or perhaps the false reality?

I’m not certain what I am trying to say here but all of these thoughts seemed to be forming a ball in my brain….and I need to know if they were malignant or not…I guess.

To the members who will make me smile…..these are my thoughts…not accusations

If I stretch my brain, I seem to remember that marriages have experienced these things and more for as long as there have been people getting married. To think that the internet or especially a chat site such as this, is the cause is rather sophomoric. If it's anything it's the result, not the cause. Additionally, to try to point to a cause or even a handful of causes for people "giving up" leaves about a billion causes out of the picture.

Then to think that when a person finally gets fed up and decides to quit an unfulfilled, unhappy, and unworkable marriage after 10,15, or 20+ years is just, "letting it go by the wayside" is....well I'm gonna have to agree with you...I’m not certain what you're trying to say here.

[MCat]

This is probably not the right thread for this....but some of you make it sound like it should be so easy to overlook what we/I think is going wrong in our marriages. I did not give up easily....32 years of marriage!!!
I did not abandon my family, my children, my life...after lots of thinking and more heartache than I wish on anyone...I made a choice. A choice to be happy in my later years, a choice to be with someone who wanted to do more than sit in front of the TV for the rest of our lives. A choice to be happy and not lonely as an older woman. My children are grown with lives of their own...they don't need me as they once did.

I knew after I was married about 10 years that I was not happy...our life together was never going to be what I had dreamed of and hoped for. He wasn't ambitious or interested in helping me make our life better. I tried to make everything ok, tried to fill in the gaps for my children that a fathers shoes should have filled. I tried to tell myself that I didn't need to have or live the life he promised we would have. He was happy with our life, obviously it was me...I was wanting too much. No way I was gonna get a divorce, to me that would have been the ultimate failure. MY children were not going to be raised fatherless. I was going to make it a wonderful life for all of us.

So I did my best to overlook what I thought were his faults. I put myself in high gear...reading everything I could get my hands on that might help me to be the best wife and mother I could be...thinking this would rub off on him...telling myself that if I was an outstanding wife he would just naturally want to be an outstanding husband and father. WRONG...

He was who he was....nothing I could do or say would ever put us on the same page. He would never think the same things were important.....he would never be ambitious, wanting to go above and beyond to provide for us, to take care of us. He was the baby in the family, born to an older, unloving mother. A mother who did not want him and she had no reservations in telling whomever would listen. I think that probably made him into a selfish man. Since she didn't love him as he should have been, he had to love himself...there wasn't room for him to include anyone else.

Some of you have read in the past about how I found this place and why I'm here. I'll repeat for the newer members...

My children grew up and left home....I worked full time days, he worked seasonal jobs. He always had 3 months in the winter off....putting the financial load on me for those 3 months. I was extremely stressed, depressed and withdrawn....it was summer time. He hadn't touched me in about 3 years...we barely kissed hello and goodbye. I was thinking I was worthless, unlovable, undesirable. He, at my insistence found a second job. They weren't full time jobs so don't go thinking he was working his fingers to the bone. He had 2 part time jobs, one in the morning and one in the evenings.

One lonely summer evening I was playing music, and feeling sorry for myself. I signed on the internet...something I never did except to use my email. I typed in Married Women , Married Woman wants to flirt, Married Woman needs attention. Wanting to know if there were others out there like me....men or women....needing to know if I was a dud or if I had something and he just didn't realize it.

After being here for a couple weeks I told him about it. Thinking it would be something we could do together....something that my bring us closer to the way we were supposed to be. I was wrong. He hated it, he hated me being here, he hated me chatting with others, he hated that I was talking about our marriage. Even though I was typing positive things....he objected. He never did participate much and I was still alone.

I'm tired of typing now.....so I'll just say that lucky for me....I met OAK. He knew I didn't want to leave my marriage, leave my family, or leave Michigan. He was willing to be my friend, willing to do whatever to make me happy. Even if it meant just talking online. Then we made the decision to meet...I was going to cheat on my husband....I was going to meet OAK and have whatever bit of him that I could. I was wrong in thinking that I could with good conscious, do that to either of them or myself.

I had tried to make my marriage work, tried to help my husband be interested in me as a woman and a partner in life. I feel a bit like Shawn has rubbed off on me here....Who in their right mind would not want me....I'm flippin great!!! LOL Three years after joining this site....I decided to leave my husband last August. It shocked me that I was able to get those words out of my mouth....I'm not happy, I don't want to be married anymore. It threw my family for a loop and some of them still haven't accepted it.

After months of talking online and on the phone, I did met OAK in Chicago...I fell in love with The Cowboy.....I chose to move to Texas.....I chose to marry him. He is the kind of friend, man, husband that I always dreamed of. Some of you may not think that Christianity is important...but to me it is. Oak is a very kind and godly man. Personally I feel my life and my children's lives would have been better if we would have had a strong, godly man to lead our family. Its too late for me to have more babies, but if I were younger, and if I could, I would have 6 more kids...with him.

We are no longer young whipper snappers....we are tired....this moving shit is for the birds....Hey Outlaw Boys.....can you help us with a few boxes, and girls I'll count on you to put the shit in the cupboards.

Oak and I are gonna take a nap.....see ya later

[Shawn]

I feel a bit like Shawn has rubbed off on me here....Who in their right mind would not want me....I'm flippin great!!!



See..... NOW you finally get me .. your University of Shawn Diploma is in the mail:ok

[jmsmith12345]

I feel a bit like Shawn has rubbed off on me here....

Doesn't this belong in the masturbation thread?

[gdg]

Thanks for writing what you did, MCat. I often feel uneasy when I read what some people have to say about marriage. I hear how much work it is, it is a commitment, don't take it for granted, etc... Well, I am committed, I work really hard, that does not mean that I am going to be happy. I have been married 22yrs as of Saturday, I know it is hard.

But, truthfully, commitment is not all that has kept me here. Fear has played a big part, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear on how your children will react. Then u find yourself in a mess. Everyday it can either get easier to leave or harder, depending on how you choose to see it.

I don't take marriage for granted, I do respect the vows I made. But, I won't sit here and say that I am happy where I am. Marriage is more then good or bad sex. It is supporting each other and building a life together and respecting one another. It is also wanting the best for your partner.

I do agree, that maybe if there is hope in a marriage or if there is to be hope, then one should channel their energies into that hope and not on this site. But, that does not mean that everyone here has a failing marriage and that no one is trying.

I also have heard some people say this site has given them insight and if so, that is not a bad thing. Sometimes we find answers where we don't expect to find them. We come here with an open mind, at ease, I think that helps. When a couple goes to counseling there is an uneasiness, maybe even resentment or unwillingness to be there, that puts up a wall before the communication ever begins. So, who knows. But, it is kind of like the saying "guns don't kill people, people kill people." So, M&F does not ruin marriages, people do.

[Sneaky]

This is probably not the right thread for this....but some of you make it sound like it should be so easy to overlook what we/I think is going wrong in our marriages. I did not give up easily....32 years of marriage!!!
I did not abandon my family, my children, my life...after lots of thinking and more heartache than I wish on anyone...I made a choice. A choice to be happy in my later years, a choice to be with someone who wanted to do more than sit in front of the TV for the rest of our lives. A choice to be happy and not lonely as an older woman. My children are grown with lives of their own...they don't need me as they once did.


Oh, GOSH, I KNOW you didn't!! I didn't mean in my post to suggest that anyone that needs to move on and live thier life happier didn't give their marriage thier all to be a happy place. HOSESTLY MCat, i read about you & sometimes I get scared when you say, "I stayed too long". That scares the CRAP out of me. Because it's not an easy decision. You wonder if it's because you don't live in a fanasy land & it's work, is that why you are unhappy, because life isn't that way. It shouldn't be so hard to know if you are happy or not....it shouldn't...but sometimes it IS.

Thanks for writing what you did, MCat. I often feel uneasy when I read what some people have to say about marriage. I hear how much work it is, it is a commitment, don't take it for granted, etc... Well, I am committed, I work really hard, that does not mean that I am going to be happy. I have been married 22yrs as of Saturday, I know it is hard.

But, truthfully, commitment is not all that has kept me here. Fear has played a big part, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear on how your children will react. Then u find yourself in a mess. Everyday it can either get easier to leave or harder, depending on how you choose to see it.

I don't take marriage for granted, I do respect the vows I made. But, I won't sit here and say that I am happy where I am. Marriage is more then good or bad sex. It is supporting each other and building a life together and respecting one another. It is also wanting the best for your partner.

I do agree, that maybe if there is hope in a marriage or if there is to be hope, then one should channel their energies into that hope and not on this site.But, that does not mean that everyone here has a failing marriage and that no one is trying.

I also have heard some people say this site has given them insight and if so, that is not a bad thing. Sometimes we find answers where we don't expect to find them. We come here with an open mind, at ease, I think that helps. When a couple goes to counseling there is an uneasiness, maybe even resentment or unwillingness to be there, that puts up a wall before the communication ever begins. So, who knows. But, it is kind of like the saying "guns don't kill people, people kill people." So, M&F does not ruin marriages, people do.

You know..every now & then something here just hits you, ya know....and what GdGrl said hit me: "If there is hope one should channel thier energies into that". That's a tough thing to hold onto after you've survived some things. You survive still married to each other, but the "hope" between the both of you is pretty banged up.

[gdg]

I fear everyday if I am doing the right thing and if there is a point where it does not matter anymore, u might as well stay. That is scary!