Stepping Out?

[trausersnake]

How many of you that are married have got to the point of actually going outside of their marriage for sex. I have long been patient and understanding, but at some point I feel like my time is running out. Do I really have to accept my life with a wife who has 0% drive and no desire to change? What does it say about me when I look at another woman as my sex partner? I don't want to hurt her or destroy the relationship I have with my kids. I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a martyr either.
:sng

[gdg]

Welcome back! Sorry to hear things are not changing. Sadly, I think we all ask ourselves similar questions. There are no easy answers and there is not one specific rule that applies to everyone. (besides the one we all know) Wish you luck! :)

[Frenchie_lady]

Its not an easy situation trauser (nice to see you around btw).

Your sexuality or needs are your own, they are not hers and you cannot expect her make it her problem.

That being said, she has to be aware that it was not your choice not to have any type of sexual contact with her...

To each action there is a reaction or a consequence: yours and hers as well.

[Tempest]

I have not gotten that far, but I have always felt like I would at some point. But it's always easy to fantasize about it. Not sure if I have the cajones to go through with it.

[WandaRing]

Four years into our marriage I became ill and could not physically have sex even if I wanted too...but if my husband had been patient, understanding and not felt that he was the ONLY ONE suffering, things would have worked out for both of us. Instead he chose to be pushy, mulipitive and a bully to boot, he lost my trust, respect and love by his selfish actions...it/he harmed me and our marriage beyond repair.

If you haven't already trausersnake, I would suggest that you sit down with your wife and seriously talk about your feelings and desires....Sex is a reality in any marriage...it can make or break a marriage/relationship...yet it's something that is hidden and not talked about...we sometimes feel if we don't talk about it, the problem(s) will go away...or it's not there, others believe if we don't acknowledge it, it isnt an issue.

These are your feelings, she has no right to disrespect them or ignore them. She has to understand that although her own feelings do count, avoiding the issue and your feelings have consequences for the both of you....

No easy solution...just keep talking and getting these feelings out...be truthful and honest about how you are feeling and how you are wanting to take care of own needs else where if the both of you can not come up with an agreeable solution that the both of you can live with---- a solution that no one is bullied into or manipulated into or quilted into....best of luck I hope you work it out...it's really painful and frustrating to be in your situation trausersnake. :crs

[redcat]

WB trau..good to see you here again. Like has been said, there are no easy answers. But communication is key, as you know. I have no personal experience with it, yet, but I'm sure there would be serious consequences. I guess it's whether repurcussions are worth it.

Ideally, it would be great if your wife understood your feelings and needs, and even agreed that you should be able to have the satisfaction of acting upon them. I think it's the rare spouse who could/would do that, but I hope you can find some resolution and happiness.

[pointofnoreturn]

I do have experience with a basically "sexless"marriage. And I have the name that proves I gave in to others....There is only one life here to live for me, and I am not going down unhappy and unwanted...

[trausersnake]

If there is one thing I am good at, it's communication. We, or I, have talked about this for 11 years. She said she understands and would try to be there for me, but nothing ever changed. In fact, it got worse. She just does not have "it". She checked out a long time ago, and left me no forwarding address.