upstr8's joke & story section

[upstr84u]

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he could monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f...ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.:lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao

[Sandy]

lol i really like that one. :lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao

[tiger50]

lol yep pay that one.. lol

[Shiane]

LOL that was a good one!

[GeekMaster]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The l ittle girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, that might be OK in California and Oregon, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas.

[Annie]

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he could monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f...ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.:lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao

Now that's funny!

[Annie]

"Well, that might be OK in California and Oregon, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas.

Now that's just wrong! Gay bashing is never funny.

[Cotties]

Let it slide if you can Miss Annie. Constant jokes fall into that catergory not one. Some might even say its a joke about Texan men and their flaws. I also bet gays from Texas have even more jokes relating to the topic.Now that's just wrong! Gay bashing is never funny.

[Norfolkdave]

discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f...ing red mark on his forehead. (Good one , funny a mood ring when im in a horny mood cant come off, its been agognising these last 8 years):lmao

[Annie]

discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f...ing red mark on his forehead. (Good one , funny a mood ring when im in a horny mood cant come off, its been agognising these last 8 years):lmao

Awe Dave! That ring is supposed to be worn on your FINGER, not your dinger!

[Cotties]

I hear it can help keep an erection for hours. Awe Dave! That ring is supposed to be worn on your FINGER, not your dinger!

[Norfolkdave]

Awe Dave! That ring is supposed to be worn on your FINGER, not your dinger!

Damm I thought it was tight and causing my dizzy problems:lmao

[Norfolkdave]

I hear it can help keep an erection for hours.

what the O ring and yes they come in 3 sizes too:D

[Cotties]

let me see


2 stroke
4 stroke
whats the third?
oh thats right...rotary motors in the mazdas
what the O ring and yes they come in 3 sizes too:D

[Norfolkdave]

let me see


2 stroke
4 stroke
whats the third?
oh thats right...rotary motors in the mazdas

No mazdas make light bulbs:lmao now we see why your lit up like a christmas tree:wa:

[sweet]

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he could monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f...ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.:lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao

I love it! :D

[upstr84u]

One for our southern members


A redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Atlanta to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied,"No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explained that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!":lmao :lmao :lmao sorry Georgia ---:lmao :lmao :lmao

[Annie]

Thirty Things Stressed People May Say At Work

1. Okay, Okay! I take it back. Unfuck You!

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren't we a dam ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and
senseless acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't
gone to sleep yet!

16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder .. my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

30. Look in my eyes ... Do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit

[Norfolkdave]

Good very good Annie.

[G...G]

I thought it was quite funny!!!! Thanks:lmao :lmao



One for our southern members


A redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Atlanta to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied,"No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explained that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!":lmao :lmao :lmao sorry Georgia ---:lmao :lmao :lmao

[upstr84u]

Blonde southern girl comes home from school one day and says
" Mommy - Mommy --I can count to 10 all the others kids in my class can only count to 8 -- Is it because I am blonde"
the mother replies "yes dear it is because you are blonde"

Next day she comes home and says " Mommy - Mommy i can say my ABC's faster then anyone in my class - is it because i am blonde?"
the mother replies again "yes dear it is because you are blonde"

third day of school and she returns home. She said to her mom " today in gym class we hads to get a shower and i had the biggest boobies of all the girls - is it because i am blonde?"
mother replied " No it is because you are 23"

[sweet]

Funny! :D

[upstr84u]

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.


"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

[sweet]

That was great :D :55

[upstr84u]

New one for a fine monday morning

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[cherokeered]

:lmao

I like it...I love it...I want some more of it...lol

Cherokee....;)

[upstr84u]

It is bad -- but it is also funny -- don't anyone get offeneded

took it off due to someone got offened:55

[sweet]

You're right. That was pretty bad, but still gave me a giggle. :D

[Norfolkdave]

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares!

[upstr84u]

ok this is better then yesterdays

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...
'Beautiful, just fuckin' BEATUIFUL!' "

[upstr84u]

had to read it agian

[sweet]

Yeah that was much better than the last one. :D

ok this is better then yesterdays

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...
'Beautiful, just fuckin' BEATUIFUL!' "

[G...G]

Why did the blonde snort Sweet and Low?



She thought it was Diet Coke!!!!!!!

[sweetgapeach]

Why did the blonde snort Sweet and Low?



She thought it was Diet Coke!!!!!!!





:lmao :lmao :lmao

[sweetgapeach]

ok this is better then yesterdays

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...
'Beautiful, just fuckin' BEATUIFUL!' "


:lmao

[Aubree]

1

[Trev]

Why did the blonde snort Sweet and Low?



She thought it was Diet Coke!!!!!!!




:sc

[Suzy_Q]

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he could monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f...ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.:lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao


LMAO that was soooo funny!!!!

[Suzy_Q]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The l ittle girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, that might be OK in California and Oregon, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas.

Now this one is way funny...I about spewed my tea at the end!!

[Suzy_Q]

discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f...ing red mark on his forehead. (Good one , funny a mood ring when im in a horny mood cant come off, its been agognising these last 8 years):lmao

LMAO OMG Dave!!! You animal...lol

[Suzy_Q]

One for our southern members


A redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Atlanta to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied,"No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explained that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!":lmao :lmao :lmao sorry Georgia ---:lmao :lmao :lmao

OMG LOLOLOL

[Suzy_Q]

Blonde southern girl comes home from school one day and says
" Mommy - Mommy --I can count to 10 all the others kids in my class can only count to 8 -- Is it because I am blonde"
the mother replies "yes dear it is because you are blonde"

Next day she comes home and says " Mommy - Mommy i can say my ABC's faster then anyone in my class - is it because i am blonde?"
the mother replies again "yes dear it is because you are blonde"

third day of school and she returns home. She said to her mom " today in gym class we hads to get a shower and i had the biggest boobies of all the girls - is it because i am blonde?"
mother replied " No it is because you are 23"

an old one but a good one....lol

[Suzy_Q]

It is bad -- but it is also funny -- don't anyone get offeneded

took it off due to someone got offened:55

Took what off?

[Suzy_Q]

ok this is better then yesterdays

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...
'Beautiful, just fuckin' BEATUIFUL!' "

LMAO... ALL the Little Johnny jokes are great

[Suzy_Q]

AN old lady lives by a baseball field and in her backyard behind her bushes are the bleachers. The men are always coming down and peeing in them so she decided to charge them 20 bucks(she was getting tired of them doing it) each time they did or get their dicks cuts off.....the next day a cop see the lady dragging 2 very large Trashbags and noticed one of them had a hole in it and money was flying everywhere, the cop stops her and ask.."mam did you know your losing money out of one of your trashbags? and where did you get it all?" she tells him about the bushes..he says "ok but whats in the other bag?" she says" alot of them didn't pay up".:lmao :lmao :lmao

[upstr84u]

wed - laugh

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

[sweet]

:lmao

[upstr84u]

New one for Ya"LL -- sorry georgia had to type it ya"ll --
she has the southern spell check 9.3 version

>Subject: Fw: Pharmacology
>
>*
>In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
>name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of*Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
>**
>The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
>consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
>**
>Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
>liquid form, and will be marketed by Coca Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour*himself*a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Coke will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"
>**
>Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
>and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
>there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
>erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[cherokeered]

New one for Ya"LL -- sorry georgia had to type it ya"ll --
she has the southern spell check 9.3 version

>Subject: Fw: Pharmacology
>
>*
>In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
>name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of*Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
>**
>The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
>consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
>**
>Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
>liquid form, and will be marketed by Coca Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour*himself*a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Coke will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"
>**
>Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
>and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
>there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
>erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


:lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao

Making me choke on my cheerios....

[Annie]

Subject: Fw: Pharmacology


I don't know honey... I like your name for the Viagra thing!

[G...G]

You are full of shit!!!!:D

[QUOTE=upstr84u]New one for Ya"LL -- sorry georgia had to type it ya"ll --
she has the southern spell check 9.3 version

[Norfolkdave]

You are full of shit!!!!:D

[QUOTE=upstr84u]New one for Ya"LL -- sorry georgia had to type it ya"ll --
she has the southern spell check 9.3 version

Then I guess he better join Tiger and I...........LOL the Vikingshitters:lmao the bullshit brigade:lmao

[sweetgapeach]

wed - laugh

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."


LOL

[sweet]

:D Thanks for the laugh hun. I really needed that today! :kk



New one for Ya"LL -- sorry georgia had to type it ya"ll --
she has the southern spell check 9.3 version

>Subject: Fw: Pharmacology
>
>*
>In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
>name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of*Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
>**
>The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
>consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
>**
>Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
>liquid form, and will be marketed by Coca Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour*himself*a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Coke will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"
>**
>Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
>and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
>there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
>erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[upstr84u]

Mommy,... I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the Woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an Interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."!

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her Shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

[Sandy]

:lmao i like that one.

[sweet]

:lmao Now that was good!

[upstr84u]

>MEN
>Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $3000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
>
>Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
>tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all
>your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
>thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
>be your friend.
>
>Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
>than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
>
>
>You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big
>hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
>You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your
>nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning
>growing a mustache..
>
>You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
>minutes.
>
>No wonder men are happier.:na :D :lmao :lmao :lmao

[Sandy]

:lmao good one.

[Norfolkdave]

Beer and women.....................ODIN............ODIN

1 - You can enjoy a beer all month long

2 - Beer stains wash out

3 - You don't have to wine and dine a beer

4 - Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football

5 - When your beer goes flat you toss it out and get another one

6 - Beer is never late

7 - A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer

8 - Hangovers go away

9 - Beer labels come off without a fight

10 - When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer

11 - Beer never has a headache

12 - After you're finished with a beer the bottle is still worth five cents

13 - A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer

14 - If you pour a beer right you'll always get good head

16 - A beer always goes down easy

17 - You can always share a beer with friends

18 - You know you're always the first one to pop a beer

19 - Beer is always wet

20 - Beer doesn't demand equality

21 - You can have a beer in public

22 - A beer doesn't care what time you come home

23 - A frigid beer is a good beer

24 - You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good

25 - If you change beers you don't have to pay maintenance

[sweet]

So true! :D

>MEN
>Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $3000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
>
>Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
>tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all
>your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
>thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
>be your friend.
>
>Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
>than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
>
>
>You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big
>hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
>You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your
>nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning
>growing a mustache..
>
>You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
>minutes.
>
>No wonder men are happier.:na :D :lmao :lmao :lmao

[dartgirl]

I like that Dave. I'll have a Kokanee please.

[Annie]

Dave, but beer cannot now, nor will it ever be able to give you an orgasm that you will never forget... you can get a good head from a beer... but not the kind that makes you cum and a beer, no matter what you do for it, will ever cook your dinner, wash your clothes and clean your house. A beer will never ever walk Bonnie for you or clean up her poop from the back yard! But go ahead ... be happy ... have another!

[Norfolkdave]

Dave, but beer cannot now, nor will it ever be able to give you an orgasm that you will never forget... you can get a good head from a beer... but not the kind that makes you cum and a beer, no matter what you do for it, will ever cook your dinner, wash your clothes and clean your house. A beer will never ever walk Bonnie for you or clean up her poop from the back yard! But go ahead ... be happy ... have another!

LOL.........................oops, heh heh heh your right, :lmao :wa:

[sweetgapeach]

Subject: Kite Flying
>
>
> >> A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
> >> He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a
few
> >>seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this
a
> >>few more times with no success.
> >>
> >> All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
> >> muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do
everything.
> >> She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need
> >> a piece of tail."
> >>
> >> The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
> >> "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a
kite."

[sweetgapeach]

Subject: The Manuscript
>
> A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping
the other
> monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He
notices,
> however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the
> original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to
question
> this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the
first
> copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be
continued in
> all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been
copying
> from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he
> goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original
> manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been
opened
> for hundreds of years.
>
>
>
> Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot, so the young monk gets
worried
> and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against
the
> wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the"R." His forehead
is all
> bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk
asks the
> old abbot, "What's wrong father?"
>
>
> With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was
'celebrate.'
>
>
>

[upstr84u]

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f____ didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,

Human Resources

[upstr84u]

2 men are walking across a farmers field to go fishing and happen to see a large hole in the ground
the 1st guy says "WOW" this looks like a deep hole - toss a stone in it and when we hear the splash we can determine how deep it is
they toss a stone in and listen -- (not a sound was heard)
Get a bigger stone - the man drops a large rock in the hole
they both listen real close (nothing) "WOW" it must be really deep
they both drag over a railroad tie
"surely this will make a sound" the man says
into the hole they toos the tie (still nothing)
the look over the hill and here comes a goat running full speed for the hole and jumps right in the hole
The men baffeled at the hole and the sight of the goat - continued across the field
The farmer stopped them and asked if they had seen his goat?
the men said they watched the goat jump into the hole.
The farmer said that is impossible - "I tied the goat to a railroad tie"

[upstr84u]

Carlos calls his boss in the morning:

Ey, boss i not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, my legs hurt I not come work.

The boss says:

You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.

2 hours later Carlos calls:

Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you got a nice house.

[Sandy]

:lmao good one

[sweet]

:lmao love it!

[upstr84u]

not a great one -- but it did make me smirk "Keep AWAY"

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"

The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!"

[upstr84u]

http://media1.gkko.com/3123/borderpatrol.swf

if you dont like to hunt - or possible scared of some blood - please dont go to the site

but if you are interested in helping out with the border patrol - you might get a quick laugh

no there is nothing goorey - harmful - distgusting ---- it is me upstr8 - so it is a little funny

[upstr84u]

yea like you did not pull the trigger and smile ----

[sweet]

Guilty as charged! :D

[upstr84u]

blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde). The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[G...G]

That was funny!!! Don't care who you are! :lmao



blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde). The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[upstr84u]

> Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:






> A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
> particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their
> honeymoon 20 years before. Because of hectic schedules, it was
> difficult
to
> coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis
> and
flew
> to Florida on Thursday, with his wife planning on flying down the
following
> day.
> The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a
> computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
> However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
> without noticing his error, sent the email.
> Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her
> husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
> after
> suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting
messages
> from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she
> screamed
and
> fainted.
> The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
> glanced up and saw the computer screen, which read:
> To: My Loving Wife
> Date: Thursday, October 13, 2004
> Subject: I have Arrived!
> Dearest Love:
> I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
and
> you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived
> and

> have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for
> your
arrival
> tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
> Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
> P.S. ..... It sure is freaking hot down here!
>

[Sandy]

lol that was funny :lmao

[spare_change]

lol that was funny :lmao


Good lord, Sandy -- don't encourage him !!! :lmao

[GeekMaster]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup", replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,

"You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

[cherokeered]

blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde). The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

This was funny...I shared it with the people at work...:D

[Cotties]

excellent:D :lmao ...now thats worth getting tattooed on my backblonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde). The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[GeekMaster]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo,

I am feeling pretty bad because it look like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the gardent for me.

Love Pop


A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Please DO NOT dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie


At 4 a.m the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

[GeekMaster]

It was a very hot, steamy July day in Minnesota.

Helga, a hard working Swedish woman, had just hung her wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Goodness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down the street.

She passed by a tavern. As the cool air rushed out through the open doorway, Helga thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "It is so hot, I think I'll have myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked. "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"