View Full Version : Moving forward without fear
We all have past relationships. And no matter how or what that relationship is .. it seems to leave us with some sort of baggage.
How do YOU get past these fears so they don't affect your current relationship??
For me I try extremely hard to be aware of my insecurities and fears and always keep myself in check. I also believe that you have to be completely honest with your current mate about your past relationships and the pain you have because of them. That way when I start to lash out at the one person who didn't cause this pain ... they can help me through it while understanding why I feel that way.
scoobertina
09-01-2009, 10:55 PM
whenever one of my friendships starts to go deeper I tell him all..
I haven't had much luck in the love department.. so I honestly don't know what to say about this..
oscarlaveester
09-02-2009, 03:40 AM
that is a good question. the best advice i could give is to take one day at a time.
curiousnate98
09-02-2009, 05:32 AM
I guess you have to have faith in the relationship that it will work this time. Nobody knows for sure if they are going to get hurt or feel totally safe. One should probably go slow and give of themselves gradually, especially if they have been hurt badly in the past.
We all have baggage. Some carry more than others. Honesty about what we are feeling, our insecurities, likes and dislikes is essential to "making it work." Get jealous when she talks to a particular person, tell her how you feel! Feel insecure if he doesn't send a text message for a day, tell him how you feel! If we don;t communicate how we feel then our interest may not realize it.... and it could lead to much misunderstanding and unnecessary pain.
jmsmith12345
09-02-2009, 09:05 AM
We all have past relationships. And no matter how or what that relationship is .. it seems to leave us with some sort of baggage.
How do YOU get past these fears so they don't affect your current relationship??
I just bang a new chick. It works like a charm.
Frenchie_lady
09-02-2009, 09:09 AM
I usually try to work it on my own, and try not to tell too much about past relationships. I've been into situations when someone knew all my vulnerabilities and just hit me there, to make sure it really hurt.
On the other hand... its not always easy to appear vulnerable to someone, especially when you work hard on being tough lol
its hard, and im not sure i do this well. i probably protect myself too much, which means ill never get anywhere. so ill def have to read all the advice given in this thread
Midwest girl
09-02-2009, 10:05 AM
Im extremely cynical and untrusting because of past experiences. I tend to ruin things myself by walking away to avoid the hurt. I am not comfortable with vulnerability because it takes an immense sense of trust in another that I dont see face to face in my daily life. That's a tough one for me, and on the other hand, I dont completely trust myself. It is extremely difficult to find the person that can give me the communication I need and have the same boundaries I have. But with each experience I do learn more and more...
Im curious of other's advice on this subject....good thread, Jelly!!
Charmed
09-02-2009, 10:56 AM
The "baggage" is what makes us who we are.
I believe if we take a long hard look at what went wrong in our past relationships and do everything in our power not to let that happen again eventually we might get it right.
TBoyBob
09-02-2009, 11:03 AM
Post the naked pictures of them we took on the internet...????
Bombard their email with spam...????
Send them a strip'o'gram at their office...????
Just sayin'.......But I dunno, I haven't had to deal with something like that in a long time. Hopefully won't have to. :) Best of luck Jelly.
disturbiagirl
09-02-2009, 07:38 PM
I'm not too good in this department. I tend to believe everything I hear, all the while telling myself that I'm being played but falling for it nontheless. But I would rather be a sucker and feel some pain than to not feel anything or trust anyone at all. I try to be upfront and honest but do keep some of my insecurities to myself unless it becomes an issue that needs to be addressed.
scoobertina
09-02-2009, 07:58 PM
I know I can never let someone who was a major part of my life totally go.. but I can learn from that relationship.. or from those relationships... I have to say I was completely honest in my last serious relationship.. as he was.. and yet it still didn't work ...
learn from past lovers.. don't let them go completely.. but make sure your current lover is aware of them.. that they know what scares you.. that they know what you expect from them.. and make sure you are always, always up front about things.. if you are hurting, jealous, upset, happy, excited.. don't make them guess what has you bothered..
Take a plane ride and hope they lose your baggage!
Tempest
09-02-2009, 08:45 PM
For me, I have a bad habit of letting those insecurities creep back in. I try to be honest with myself more than anything, and to try to figure out what I resally want. Then try to gradually trust my partner enough to put it out there. I give my true self in small doses and test the waters. I would probably make more headway if I just laid out what I want, but I am still too gunshy to do that.
OK .. so more thoughts on this. The walls are up... and it is soooooo hard to bring them back down. I am doing that one day at a time. But it's so scary!! And someone said in here how it's hard to appear venerable when you have the strong woman act going for you. One day at a time right?? Let them earn their trust ?? Without waiting too long .. and losing that one chance with them? Arghhhhhhhh it's so scary and weird and confusing
Tempest
09-02-2009, 11:11 PM
It's terrifying, isn't it? Because your brain is telling you that you need to put this stuff out there, but your heart is loving the feeling of being with that person. And you don't want some insecurity/overnight bag to ruin this rush you've got right now. Atleast that's how I feel. I think that if I do put it out there, what I've got might stop, and I really don't want that... It's all about choices, I guess. Either way, it's hard to put yourself out there.
It's terrifying, isn't it? Because your brain is telling you that you need to put this stuff out there, but your heart is loving the feeling of being with that person. And you don't want some insecurity/overnight bag to ruin this rush you've got right now. Atleast that's how I feel. I think that if I do put it out there, what I've got might stop, and I really don't want that... It's all about choices, I guess. Either way, it's hard to put yourself out there.
YES!! Exactly .. and THEN he says that it's hard for him because you aren't opening up enough! But those damned walls are there for a reason ...
Can't we just always kiss them and forget this other stuff??
Tempest
09-02-2009, 11:15 PM
YES!! Exactly .. and THEN he says that it's hard for him because you aren't opening up enough! But those damned walls are there for a reason ...
Can't we just always kiss them and forget this other stuff??
LMAO - I think that's the best advice in the whole thread. You don't have to worry when you're kissing!! I'm going to put that theory into practice. Thanks girl!
LMAO - I think that's the best advice in the whole thread. You don't have to worry when you're kissing!! I'm going to put that theory into practice. Thanks girl!
"Just shut up and kiss me" Yup .. that'll work
fourisit
09-02-2009, 11:43 PM
This has been a very big challenge for me. The last three relationships I had I gave everything I had to make it work..( not that I didnt have faults ) but they each walked away with similar excuses..its not you..your great..etc. I think for me this time I held back a lot of trust and it took a lot for me to give myself completely...I still go through moments when I think I wont be enough but we talk a lot..we have layed our pasts out and really talked about what went wrong so we dont repeat them. The key I think is not just identifying what went wrong but making specific plans to do it right..we have a list of things we want to see in our relationship..if you dont have a plan to do it right you will just go of course again.
I love that four ..
I think that when we do hold back a little ... getting to that stage of giving of ourselves fully, it will be even more amazing! Good things come to those who wait
Sneaky
09-03-2009, 12:08 AM
We all have past relationships. And no matter how or what that relationship is .. it seems to leave us with some sort of baggage.
How do YOU get past these fears so they don't affect your current relationship??
Our experiences make us who we are. There are always past heartbreaks & we are scared of those feelings like after you touch a hot stove & burn yourself.
I try & identify when I'm scared for what it is....fear. I try and recognize it and remind myself that everything is better when I come from a place of love. Fear make me want to close up and protect myself and be a jerk. Love makes me want to give and care and do all the good stuff.
Even so, there are times that the fear takes over, and hopefully, the other person recognizes it and cares enough about you to get you through those times.
A really smart guy I know just recently told me, "We react how we react. Sometimes you can't control it. When it happens, we'll deal with it." Hearing that alone made me feel better. Like we are in it together & when I have my moments it's ok
:inlve
bryan3636
09-03-2009, 01:54 AM
OK .. so more thoughts on this. The walls are up... and it is soooooo hard to bring them back down. I am doing that one day at a time. But it's so scary!! And someone said in here how it's hard to appear venerable when you have the strong woman act going for you. One day at a time right?? Let them earn their trust ?? Without waiting too long .. and losing that one chance with them? Arghhhhhhhh it's so scary and weird and confusing
If it was the right guy you wouldn't be on a clock. If you lost him it's because he's not in it for the long haul and you're better off for him leaving. A relationship is about "mutual trust". Wanting more for the other than for themselves. And in that relationship comes the respect and patience that makes you know it's "right". Guess you have to kiss a lot of frogs until you meet the ONE. But we have to believe it's worth all the warts when we finally do.
Feisty and Sneaky are 100% right, the baggage makes us who we are. But, don't let it control you, it molds us by giving us the opportunity to take that experience and make it positive. Learn from it and move forward.
Self doubt and fear are nasty little creatures that we allow to sneak into our lives. Remember that and try your best to fight them. Explain your insecurities to your loved ones, not all the time and everyday, but when you decide to open up. Allow them to share with you theirs. Maybe if we were all not so afraid of allowing ourselves to feel what we sometimes feel and share with others, there would not be so much confusion. You would not worry that you are not good enough and they would not worry that you are backing away because of your fears.
I guess in a perfect world we can expose and share all our nasty little secrets and find someone who loves and accepts us for who we are. Let's say "fuck it" and make that perfect world happen for ourselves.
wan2b
09-03-2009, 01:28 PM
It’s difficult to tell someone how to be a success whether it’s love or business. Each person has their own capabilities. Trust your yourself to know when a person is honest. From honesty comes love.
wan2b
09-03-2009, 01:30 PM
About honesty, sometimes truths are best left unsaid.
gr8doods
09-03-2009, 06:04 PM
I usually try to work it on my own, and try not to tell too much about past relationships. I've been into situations when someone knew all my vulnerabilities and just hit me there, to make sure it really hurt.
On the other hand... its not always easy to appear vulnerable to someone, especially when you work hard on being tough lol
Baby..it seems I have a lot to learn...LOL..and you are too sweet and loveable to be "tough"..
justadude
09-03-2009, 06:13 PM
I can't allow myself to dwell on things in the past. I am generally a glass half full kind of guy anyway, so its easy for me to put the past behind me. The future has so much to offer.
fourher
09-04-2009, 01:39 AM
This has been a very big challenge for me. The last three relationships I had I gave everything I had to make it work..( not that I didnt have faults ) but they each walked away with similar excuses..its not you..your great..etc. I think for me this time I held back a lot of trust and it took a lot for me to give myself completely...I still go through moments when I think I wont be enough but we talk a lot..we have layed our pasts out and really talked about what went wrong so we dont repeat them. The key I think is not just identifying what went wrong but making specific plans to do it right..we have a list of things we want to see in our relationship..if you dont have a plan to do it right you will just go of course again.
Even though the path is painful the lessons you learn help you determine what you really need. Once you find it you have a greater appreciation for the things that person can do for you. It takes a lot of courage to open up and share your fears and weakness! If you find the right person and get to the point that you can share those things you can grow so much closer. I'm so fortunate to have found a relationship that will allow me to be myself and share my fears without reservation.
The people here are amazing ... you know that? I love seeing threads like this .. brings out the "human" in you all!
TBoyBob
09-04-2009, 12:42 PM
Ummm.....are you tooting your own horn or something (get u'r mind outa the gutter)? It is YOUR thread love!! LMAO....jk.
Ummm.....are you tooting your own horn or something (get u'r mind outa the gutter)? It is YOUR thread love!! LMAO....jk.
I start these threads to get people thinking .. and YES I'm tootin my own damned horn thank you very much!
Brak_45
09-04-2009, 12:51 PM
Thanks for the horn. Toot it all you want. Sometimes we need to have a laugh about the situation and ourselves.
november
09-04-2009, 01:04 PM
it's always lurking in the back of my mind, no matter how hard i try to kill it
Zak1000
09-04-2009, 03:01 PM
Got to avoid talking about the past..and if you have do show some perspective
fourisit
09-04-2009, 11:39 PM
Music for your thread...Taylor Swift..Fearless
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wnk9Hq28MuA
gadzooks
09-05-2009, 12:50 AM
your premise is wrong, we don't all have previous relationships. I married the first.
HlpMeEscpe
09-06-2009, 03:03 PM
I don't know if I am afraid to move forward because I don't know what moving forward is for me at this point. I think that is one of the reasons I am here. There are things missing in my life...I have no idea what they are but I just feel that things haven't turned out exactly how I thought they would after being married to my wife for so long. I have a good career, live in a great neighborhood, have three great kids, I am comfortable spiritually but yet there is something missing. I don't suppose I would be here if I was not looking for something. Is it physical, is it the lack of real friends, is it just attention...I don't know.
After time I am sure that some of you may help me understand what moving forward for me might be for me, I suppose that some of those answers will be hard to take and may generate fear. I like my comfort zone and suppose that is why I never really face what it takes to move forward...
Kind of a rambling post...but therapeutic nonetheless
Moving on without fear....that's a great way to approach my next challenge.
Let's do this...
wan2b
09-07-2009, 01:22 PM
Fear is just a wall between two gardens.
Knock off K.B
TammyE
09-08-2009, 07:05 AM
The people here are amazing ... you know that? I love seeing threads like this .. brings out the "human" in you all!
You are so right, Jelly! The people on this forum are the nicest I've "met" online in any forum on any subject.
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