View Full Version : I need some advise...Please help!!!
kissiemybuttie
05-01-2006, 04:13 PM
As you all know my hubby is in the Army...we have been stationed in GA..and have a home in Vt...for the last 5 months my oldest son has been living in our home and him and his partner were to pay the mortgage for us...
Well here we are paying rent for where we are living and paying our mortgage to keep the home in VT from going into forclosure...as it will totally screw up hubby's job in the Army...
My question is...since he and his partner are so unwilling to pay....is it really wrong to toss him out...knowing that if I do he will have no place to go??? I feel so guilty...but I am losing my mind...stressing on this matter is making me feel like crap...and seems I get worse as each month passes and the mortgage is due...
I love my son dearly...I just dont know what to do anymore!!!!!
cherokeered
05-01-2006, 04:19 PM
As you all know my hubby is in the Army...we have been stationed in GA..and have a home in Vt...for the last 5 months my oldest son has been living in our home and him and his partner were to pay the mortgage for us...
Well here we are paying rent for where we are living and paying our mortgage to keep the home in VT from going into forclosure...as it will totally screw up hubby's job in the Army...
My question is...since he and his partner are so unwilling to pay....is it really wrong to toss him out...knowing that if I do he will have no place to go??? I feel so guilty...but I am losing my mind...stressing on this matter is making me feel like crap...and seems I get worse as each month passes and the mortgage is due...
I love my son dearly...I just dont know what to do anymore!!!!!
Kiss
Its not wrong...he needs to grow up and you cant enable him to if you bail him out all the time...tough love is the hardest...a friend has a daughter like this...she still hasn't totally let go but she has stepped back....its hard..she told her she had to leave by a certaindate and stuck to it...the girl found out all about what to do..where to go...can't fly if you don't let them
Take care
Cherokee
Annie
05-01-2006, 04:23 PM
Oh my God Kissie! Ever hear of tough love? It is your responsibility to teach your children to stand on their own two feet. If he hasn't learned how to do this yet, it's time for a little refresher course. There are a few reasons for you to do this 1) He won't always have someone to mooch off of. 2) He has no right to take advantage of anyone... especially YOU and your husband. Just because you happen to be convienient and a softy, gives him no right. When he moved in you became not only his parent, but his landlord as well... what would any other landlord do? KICK HIS LAZY ASS OUT! He needs this lesson and you need the money! It's time for him to grow up and face the real world!
snuggles
05-01-2006, 09:19 PM
i agree with the 2 previous posts, tough love. good luck girl...........
kissiemybuttie
05-01-2006, 09:24 PM
i agree with the 2 previous posts, tough love. good luck girl...........
thanks I need it going home on Wenesday!!!!
Yup, the tough love thing works. We had kind of the same thing with our 26 year old daughter and her hubby. They are out on their own now and taking care of themselves. Its hard to do it. I think it has helped her self esteem.
You've already heard the right advice Kissie, but I just wanted to say I agree with what everyone else had said. People -especially children- will take as long as you're giving. If you let him take advantage of you, he will. Give him his notice and lease the place out to some reliable tenants who have a god credit history. Any possibility of someone in the army needing to stay in VT for a while?
kissiemybuttie
05-01-2006, 10:09 PM
You've already heard the right advice Kissie, but I just wanted to say I agree with what everyone else had said. People -especially children- will take as long as you're giving. If you let him take advantage of you, he will. Give him his notice and lease the place out to some reliable tenants who have a god credit history. Any possibility of someone in the army needing to stay in VT for a while?
Thanks hun...only Army people there are National Guards...I am driving home Wenesday alone...I am scared shitless...1150 miles from door to door...Son is going to be pissed am not giving him 30 days to get out... he cant use that he is gay and that I dont love him as an excuse anymore not going to work this time!!!.....have someone that wants to rent the house and if he likes it as much as he thinks he does is going to buy it!!!
Take your time driving Kissie and be safe. You'll be just fine. And when you're talking to your son, remember that all of here are there with you and support you. You're doing the right thing honey.
Seeker
05-01-2006, 11:42 PM
I agree with all the other posts here. And ditto the last one from Jazzy!
Cotties
05-01-2006, 11:44 PM
Kick him out. He'll survive and won't forgive you[eventually he will just forget it in the future when he can see where you are coming from]. But he will always love you. Maybe even a bit more than before because he isn't meant to take you for granted.
Annie
05-02-2006, 12:20 AM
Kick him out. He'll survive and won't forgive you[eventually he will just forget it in the future when he can see where you are coming from]. But he will always love you. Maybe even a bit more than before because he isn't meant to take you for granted.
Cotties, I think you're right. It's hard to have deep respect for someone who you take advantage of. Once you stop allowing that to happen, his respect for you will deepen. He's always going to love you Kissie, but I think for a while he's going to be mighty pissed off. Don't let his anger sway you! You have all of us standing behind you in spirit.
Cotties
05-02-2006, 01:07 AM
If I was your kid Annie, I wouldn't mess with you.Oh my God Kissie! Ever hear of tough love? It is your responsibility to teach your children to stand on their own two feet. If he hasn't learned how to do this yet, it's time for a little refresher course. There are a few reasons for you to do this 1) He won't always have someone to mooch off of. 2) He has no right to take advantage of anyone... especially YOU and your husband. Just because you happen to be convienient and a softy, gives him no right. When he moved in you became not only his parent, but his landlord as well... what would any other landlord do? KICK HIS LAZY ASS OUT! He needs this lesson and you need the money! It's time for him to grow up and face the real world!
spare_change
05-02-2006, 01:07 AM
As you all know my hubby is in the Army...we have been stationed in GA..and have a home in Vt...for the last 5 months my oldest son has been living in our home and him and his partner were to pay the mortgage for us...
Well here we are paying rent for where we are living and paying our mortgage to keep the home in VT from going into forclosure...as it will totally screw up hubby's job in the Army...
My question is...since he and his partner are so unwilling to pay....is it really wrong to toss him out...knowing that if I do he will have no place to go??? I feel so guilty...but I am losing my mind...stressing on this matter is making me feel like crap...and seems I get worse as each month passes and the mortgage is due...
I love my son dearly...I just dont know what to do anymore!!!!!
When you go home, go immediately to the local court. File for an eviction with cause -- probably cost you about $50. They will deliver a notice of eviction to your son, along with a court date to determine how to pay the rent in arrears. This will put this issue on a business basis, and remove the emotion from it.
With luck, your son will realize that he can't keep up the BS, and will fix it. In the worst case, you will have established the legal mechanism to have him removed. Just because you do this does NOT mean it will show up on his credit record --- you would have to file it with the credit bureau -- but it's okay if he thinks it will.
Cotties
05-02-2006, 01:28 AM
Shit! And I thought Annie Mull likes to push things to the next level.:sc When you go home, go immediately to the local court. File for an eviction with cause -- probably cost you about $50. They will deliver a notice of eviction to your son, along with a court date to determine how to pay the rent in arrears. This will put this issue on a business basis, and remove the emotion from it.
With luck, your son will realize that he can't keep up the BS, and will fix it. In the worst case, you will have established the legal mechanism to have him removed. Just because you do this does NOT mean it will show up on his credit record --- you would have to file it with the credit bureau -- but it's okay if he thinks it will.
GeekMaster
05-02-2006, 08:55 AM
Kissie, Spare said it absolutely right!!!
If you throw him out, you will be giving him what he really needs... motivation to pull his own weight. Hunger and homelessness can be great motivators.
If you don't throw him out, you will be giving him what he wants... a free ride.
Doing what is best for our kids, is what every parent wants. Sometimes it is not very easy, but giving him what he needs is the right thing.
Been there myself, first person. If you want more encouragement, send me an e-mail, and I will gladly share my experiences. So far, they seem to be working. My son has held the same job for 8 months now, and paid rent every week for 8 months.
There is hope!!:)
kissiemybuttie
05-02-2006, 12:00 PM
I just wanted to take the time and thank you all...for your love and support...I am going home tomorrow to do the hardest thing I think I have ever had to do in my life...
Does anyone want to take a trip to Vermont????? lol sorry ahd to put some humor in this!!!!
I just wanted to take the time and thank you all...for your love and support...I am going home tomorrow to do the hardest thing I think I have ever had to do in my life...
Does anyone want to take a trip to Vermont????? lol sorry ahd to put some humor in this!!!!
Drive safely and make sure he knows you are doing this because you love him.
Enjoy the scenery and breath in some of that wonderful New England Spring Air for us.
Penny
05-02-2006, 01:06 PM
You cant go broke for them. If you did they will just look for the next easy mark.
Annie
05-02-2006, 01:43 PM
If I was your kid Annie, I wouldn't mess with you.
Not too many people do mess with me, only the very, very brave!
kissiemybuttie
05-02-2006, 04:13 PM
Not too many people do mess with me, only the very, very brave!
LOL i will mess with you anyday.....I'm bigger than you!!!!
Annie
05-02-2006, 04:18 PM
LOL i will mess with you anyday.....I'm bigger than you!!!!
That's cause I love ya and I let you get away with it! Besides I think it's pretty equal... I give back whatever I take from you!
kissiemybuttie
05-02-2006, 04:21 PM
That's cause I love ya and I let you get away with it! Besides I think it's pretty equal... I give back whatever I take from you!
that you do...and i apperciate you in each and every way!!! :kk
kissiemybuttie
05-17-2006, 12:06 PM
Ok as you all see I am home from my trip back to VT to have my son removed from my home back there due to non payment of the rent...now I am really down in the dumps and feel so guilty..I have gotten a call from a business back at home saying my son and his partner have stolen money from where they were working and have hit the road..now if that storyis right he is wanted on a felony for stealing money...can this also be my fault?? am I to blame??? I dont think I can cry many more tears...I am so down in the dumps...dont know which way to turn anymore!!!!
Sorry to cry on your sholders...just dont know where to turn anymore!!!
Penny
05-17-2006, 03:54 PM
Not your fault
Sandy
05-17-2006, 04:01 PM
kissie dry your tears right now. YOU didn't do anything wrong. he was an ass to you when hubby was gone. and we both know that. now hes trying to mess things up for you, you did what you had to do, hes a grown man who chooses what hes going to do. he could have been planning to do this the whole time. its time he learns what happens when you mess up. when he gets caught, hes going to call you. its up to you what you should do. i think he needs to pay for his mistake. it'll be hard, but let him face the music, its time honey.
Sunfiresix
05-17-2006, 05:56 PM
I think you did the right thing Kissie, as hard as it seems. He was taking from you which isn't a crime by law but by doing that he commited a crime aginst his Mom, I can feel your hurt we did almost the same with a daughter and he Hubby, he kept getting in trouble so We said your not welcome here, it hurt but in five years they actually turned themselves around and did good, they have to pay for the things he did wrong but they learned lifes lesson. You feel terrible and I know the hurt but he will be a better man after this I hope. You aren't liable, unless he is underage, I think. Bear with it sweetheart, you have to think of your and your husbands life. My prayers are with you.
cherokeered
05-17-2006, 11:52 PM
Kissie...you are not to blame...he is an adult and must be held responsible for his own actions....this unfortunately is part of tough love...Please dont cry...although I suspect this will not be possible...just know in your heart that you did what you needed to do...you cannot live his life or fix his mistakes...
Cherokee....:kk
Suzy_Q
05-18-2006, 03:59 AM
I agree with everyone here with your situation...he messed up NOT you.
Cotties
05-25-2006, 10:54 PM
My turn for some advise
I just recieved an e-mail from a private student of mine. She's 17 and I have taught her for the past year. She's been on a break from study and will return soon. I have always been aware she likes me but she's still a good girl and obviously fustrated. I have recieved nice e-mails from her before. I've avoided playing footsies with her when we study. When I'm ten minutes late for class she wants to know why I didn't call because she was starting to worry. I forgot to go to teach her one day and she nearly had a break down. How could I forget her is all she could say on the phone.
So here's my problem. I need the money so I'll continue to teach her.
But what do I do about the love poem she just sent me?
Do I treat her like a women or a girl?
Put her in her place or put her down gently?
Do you really need the money enough to risk a a very messy situation, a lawsuit, or jeopardizing your marriage? She has a serious crush on you, and I remember how intense those crushes can be at that age. You need to stop teaching her immediately. That's the only way to handle this situation. You need to put some distance between you two. She's not mature enough to be able to study with you and keep her emotions in check. Heck, most adults aren't!
She is a girl. You need to treat her like a girl, but respectfully. I would tell her parents that your schedule no longers allows for you to teach her. I wouldn't even bring up the poem. Too risky. You are a grown man, and also a minority. You are in a no-win situation if this gets out, so protect yourself and cut all ties now.My turn for some advise
I just recieved an e-mail from a private student of mine. She's 17 and I have taught her for the past year. She's been on a break from study and will return soon. I have always been aware she likes me but she's still a good girl and obviously fustrated. I have recieved nice e-mails from her before. I've avoided playing footsies with her when we study. When I'm ten minutes late for class she wants to know why I didn't call because she was starting to worry. I forgot to go to teach her one day and she nearly had a break down. How could I forget her is all she could say on the phone.
So here's my problem. I need the money so I'll continue to teach her.
But what do I do about the love poem she just sent me?
Do I treat her like a women or a girl?
Put her in her place or put her down gently?
Cotties
05-25-2006, 11:12 PM
So I should treat her like a women and then run like a boy?
What the hell do I tell her?
Do you really need the money enough to risk a a very messy situation, a lawsuit, or jeopardizing your marriage? She has a serious crush on you, and I remember how intense those crushes can be at that age. You need to stop teaching her immediately. That's the only way to handle this situation. You need to put some distance between you two. She's not mature enough to be able to study with you and keep her emotions in check. Heck, most adults aren't!
I just added more to my last post, so read that.
So I should treat her like a women and then run like a boy?
What the hell do I tell her?
Sandy
05-25-2006, 11:27 PM
cotties do like jazzy says tell her your schedule has changed, thid young girl thinks shes in love with you. do you want to risk not only your teaching degree but your marriage ? is the money worth all that ? i know your as good teacher, you can pick another student to help. just dot your i's and cross yuour tees with this one ok . and watch yuour back honey, you would be surprised what a young girls mind can come up with.
I must say we have a smart bunch of friends on this site. Good advice from everyone.
She's young Cotties, she'll get over you dumping her. However, if you get in trouble for the relationship she thinks you have...you won't get over it...It will affect your teaching career if you still have one when she's through with you.
Be strong Kissie...We had to boot our daughter and her husband out for the second time a couple months ago. I would be perfectly happy paying for everything for her, but that will not teach them to be strong responsible adults able to make their own way. They are so behind in all their bills and I can't help anymore. It looks like they are doing alright so far. I am so confused about kids this age...she's 26. What the hell are they thinking???
Cotties
05-26-2006, 01:59 AM
If there is something I can always expect from the 3 of you ladies it has always been good advise....Thanks for keeping it simple.
I should have brought you more problems I have had like this...I will in the future...thanks again Jazzy, Sandy and the lovely Mcat.:kk .
Do you really need the money enough to risk a a very messy situation, a lawsuit, or jeopardizing your marriage? She has a serious crush on you, and I remember how intense those crushes can be at that age. You need to stop teaching her immediately. That's the only way to handle this situation. You need to put some distance between you two. She's not mature enough to be able to study with you and keep her emotions in check. Heck, most adults aren't!
She is a girl. You need to treat her like a girl, but respectfully. I would tell her parents that your schedule no longers allows for you to teach her. I wouldn't even bring up the poem. Too risky. You are a grown man, and also a minority. You are in a no-win situation if this gets out, so protect yourself and cut all ties now.
kissiemybuttie
05-26-2006, 08:35 AM
My turn for some advise
I just recieved an e-mail from a private student of mine. She's 17 and I have taught her for the past year. She's been on a break from study and will return soon. I have always been aware she likes me but she's still a good girl and obviously fustrated. I have recieved nice e-mails from her before. I've avoided playing footsies with her when we study. When I'm ten minutes late for class she wants to know why I didn't call because she was starting to worry. I forgot to go to teach her one day and she nearly had a break down. How could I forget her is all she could say on the phone.
So here's my problem. I need the money so I'll continue to teach her.
But what do I do about the love poem she just sent me?
Do I treat her like a women or a girl?
Put her in her place or put her down gently?
Cottie hun you are not running like a boy...your protecting you life !!!!! But I do agree with my sisters here...and no one is going to protect you unless you yourself take the 1st step!!!!
Good luck hun...and you have all my respect on this matter...take care!!!! :kk :kk
hnybeeeee9
05-26-2006, 11:20 AM
Cottie,
I am fairly new here but I see you are troubled by this situation. The ladies have given you some very good advice. Ruining several years of your life including your teaching reputation is not worth the few moments of pleasure that may come of this. Be the proffesional that you are and step away from the private teaching that you are giving this young girl (not yet a woman). Be kind and gentle but firm in your response to this young lady as she will go on to someone else. Where I am at there is no way that I would consider anyone that age for anything because they are still a child. And children are not sure what they really want. Do not let your emotions lead you down this very dangerous path. I am assuming on this statement so correct me if I am wrong, you are asking some advice because you are considering reacting to her. Caution, Caution, Caution is my only advice to you.
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