If your spouse cheats, do you want to know?

[Suz]

I can't believe you people...you have no idea what my situation is. I'm done with this place, so many judgemental people. This is my house, her house...I can only do so much, yes I have made a statement, yes the police did come to his work and question him. I try to protect her, but sometimes you can't forsee when things are going down. Now you're judging me as a parent...something I would never do to my worst enemy. I"m doing my damn best to get out of this situation, I'm not staying married to him, but these things take time and there is unfortunately no magic wand I can wave to make this all go away in an instant and for me and her to live happily ever after. I can't believe what I have just read..unbelieveable...I won't stay where I am judged, last I checked we don't live in glass houses.

[majorfun]

Suz

I am not judging you... A bad situation... I hope that everything works out for you and your daughter.....


I can't believe you people...you have no idea what my situation is. I'm done with this place, so many judgemental people. This is my house, her house...I can only do so much, yes I have made a statement, yes the police did come to his work and question him. I try to protect her, but sometimes you can't forsee when things are going down. Now you're judging me as a parent...something I would never do to my worst enemy. I"m doing my damn best to get out of this situation, I'm not staying married to him, but these things take time and there is unfortunately no magic wand I can wave to make this all go away in an instant and for me and her to live happily ever after. I can't believe what I have just read..unbelieveable...I won't stay where I am judged, last I checked we don't live in glass houses.

[OccassionalFun]

yes, I never said it was the right way to be. I was totally faithful to his sorry ass. I never cook for him and was doing something so nice...so I thought. I made him lasagna and a salad and for the first time in my life was trying to be a good wife and show him I can be all that he wanted. I walked into a nightmare that day....and my nightmare continues with so much more than I ever bargained for or dreamed would happen to me. When you dream as I did of growing up marrying a man...you never dream of the pain that goes along with it. Cheating right now is not even at the top of the list of what I'm going through with him right now, it's unreal what I endure day to day. Worst part is my daughter witnessing this horror of a marriage. I never know if I have to pack us up and leave again...everyday I never know.

Thanks OF for understanding my pain I'm going through:kk

I can't imagine the pain and turmoil you are going through Suz since I have never had this betrayal inflicted on me. I genuinely am sorry to hear that you are going through all this. Hang in there girl. Nature has a way of flushing the crud down the gutter in time and you will eventually work through this. It's just sad that you and your family have to suffer so badly.

Hugs,
OF

[phoenixconfused]

In my opinion i would kill myself if i found out. I think people should respect thier marriage more.

[Annie]

Amen! The other night when I went I went out with one of my girlfriends, we talked about this very subject. It's not what cheating would do to my relationship with my husband (we'd survive it)... it's what it would do to my son.

When I was about 10 or 11, I found proof my father was cheating. I could tell no one. At that age it's a pretty tough load to carry and I carried that load for a long, long time. Actually, I told no one until I was in my 30's. No one should have to grow up that way. You are right... ya can't fix that!

I can't believe you people...you have no idea what my situation is. I'm done with this place, so many judgemental people. This is my house, her house...I can only do so much, yes I have made a statement, yes the police did come to his work and question him. I try to protect her, but sometimes you can't forsee when things are going down. Now you're judging me as a parent...something I would never do to my worst enemy. I"m doing my damn best to get out of this situation, I'm not staying married to him, but these things take time and there is unfortunately no magic wand I can wave to make this all go away in an instant and for me and her to live happily ever after. I can't believe what I have just read..unbelieveable...I won't stay where I am judged, last I checked we don't live in glass houses.

Excuse me Suz... I DO know where you're coming from! I also know the position you are putting your daughter in by staying! I was in her place at one time! I know what my father's cheating, temper tantrums and abuse did to my sister and me. I hate to see another girl go through a lifetime of pain...

I am not judging you... I'm calling it as I see it!

[Outta]

Enough of this.

I am on the phone with Suz every day regarding this crap. You can't always just pack up and leave. Suz is the best mother I have ever seen. She loves and protects her daughter. Major, you may have been in law enforcement, and you know what happens. The cops always try to look at both sides. Her husband is charming and can disarm the police. When she was abused as a child by her father, she reported it and nothing was done. Instead, her father paid his way out of it. The result was more abuse. And there is no reason to believe that the same wouldn't happen here. She begs her husband to fight in private. She went to her mother who was no help. Her mother, also being abused, says well you just have to put up with these things. She would only let her come home with the baby if she agreed to go to marriage counseling. And he has rights too. If she leaves with her daughter, he has threatened her, and with her experience, she has to take the threats seriously.

Annie, when I brought this subject up, you thought I was a f'in perv for wanting to expose the issue. But here you're quick to judge. Shame on you.

The fact is that this society can't protect abuse in the home. We need friends and support to get us through it. What Suz needs now is love and support, not judgements. For my part, I love her with all my heart and will do anything to protect her and her child.

[majorfun]

I never meant to hurt Suz but I just wanted some understand of what makes people return...I definitely understand the viacarious situation that she is in... Once again..I am sorry for hurting her feelings...



Enough of this.

I am on the phone with Suz every day regarding this crap. You can't always just pack up and leave. Suz is the best mother I have ever seen. She loves and protects her daughter. Major, you may have been in law enforcement, and you know what happens. The cops always try to look at both sides. Her husband is charming and can disarm the police. When she was abused as a child by her father, she reported it and nothing was done. Instead, her father paid his way out of it. The result was more abuse. And there is no reason to believe that the same wouldn't happen here. She begs her husband to fight in private. She went to her mother who was no help. Her mother, also being abused, says well you just have to put up with these things. She would only let her come home with the baby if she agreed to go to marriage counseling. And he has rights too. If she leaves with her daughter, he has threatened her, and with her experience, she has to take the threats seriously.

Annie, when I brought this subject up, you thought I was a f'in perv for wanting to expose the issue. But here you're quick to judge. Shame on you.

The fact is that this society can't protect abuse in the home. We need friends and support to get us through it. What Suz needs now is love and support, not judgements. For my part, I love her with all my heart and will do anything to protect her and her child.

[Outta]

I never meant to hurt Suz but I just wanted some understand of what makes people return...I definitely understand the viacarious situation that she is in... Once again..I am sorry for hurting her feelings...
Thanks Major. I'm sure she'll appreciate that.

[Annie]

Enough of this.

I am on the phone with Suz every day regarding this crap. You can't always just pack up and leave. Suz is the best mother I have ever seen. She loves and protects her daughter. Major, you may have been in law enforcement, and you know what happens. The cops always try to look at both sides. Her husband is charming and can disarm the police. When she was abused as a child by her father, she reported it and nothing was done. Instead, her father paid his way out of it. The result was more abuse. And there is no reason to believe that the same wouldn't happen here. She begs her husband to fight in private. She went to her mother who was no help. Her mother, also being abused, says well you just have to put up with these things. She would only let her come home with the baby if she agreed to go to marriage counseling. And he has rights too. If she leaves with her daughter, he has threatened her, and with her experience, she has to take the threats seriously.

Annie, when I brought this subject up, you thought I was a f'in perv for wanting to expose the issue. But here you're quick to judge. Shame on you.

The fact is that this society can't protect abuse in the home. We need friends and support to get us through it. What Suz needs now is love and support, not judgements. For my part, I love her with all my heart and will do anything to protect her and her child.Excuse me!?!? How dare you judge me or my motives! How dare you! You have no idea why I didn't want to discuss or be reminded of what I lived through during my childhood. You came on here and gave a daily dose of it... every day I had to look at that thread and be reminded of it. Do you really think that a flirting site was meant for that? How dare you judge me and then when I do share what I know to be true you attack! Shame On You!!!

[p.J]

I can't believe you people...you have no idea what my situation is. I'm done with this place, so many judgemental people. This is my house, her house...I can only do so much, yes I have made a statement, yes the police did come to his work and question him. I try to protect her, but sometimes you can't forsee when things are going down. Now you're judging me as a parent...something I would never do to my worst enemy. I"m doing my damn best to get out of this situation, I'm not staying married to him, but these things take time and there is unfortunately no magic wand I can wave to make this all go away in an instant and for me and her to live happily ever after. I can't believe what I have just read..unbelieveable...I won't stay where I am judged, last I checked we don't live in glass houses.

Suz, you know who to talk to my friend, he is always there for you!
Don't leave, but come back when you are ready, its difficult enough to have to shoulder the actions of a twit head husband like yours, but you are feeling so vulnerable as a result, that much is obvious, especially when the most important person in your life is effected by his actions too ..
I have never been in a situation like yours, however, I admire your strength, and the fact you can be so completely open and honest about it! Hang in there girl I am on your side :kk

[Outta]

Excuse me!?!? How dare you judge me or my motives! How dare you! You have no idea why I didn't want to discuss or be reminded of what I lived through during my childhood. You came on here and gave a daily dose of it... every day I had to look at that thread and be reminded of it. Do you really think that a flirting site was meant for that? How dare you judge me and then when I do share what I know to be true you attack! Shame On You!!!
I'm not judging your motives. I'm responding to what you said to me in the past and to her. I think it was hurtful and not helpful. That's all.

[Annie]

I'm not judging your motives. I'm responding to what you said to me in the past and to her. I think it was hurtful and not helpful. That's all.Ok so what you're saying is that Suz can talk about what she is living through, but I can't say what I went through as a child... I get it now. I can't respond or share information. I didn't judge. I shared. You seem to be pretty good at judging....

[Outta]

Ok so what you're saying is that Suz can talk about what she is living through, but I can't say what I went through as a child... I get it now. I can't respond or share information. I didn't judge. I shared. You seem to be pretty good at judging....
Annie, please. let's disarm here. I am responding to this.

I agree! Why go back? If you allow your daughter to grow up in a mentally unstable and abusive home whether or not your daughter is being directly abused... then you are, in some ways neglecting her. You are setting her up for the very same kind of relationship in her future that you have now! Is that what you want for her? Children learn by watching US! Think about what you are showing her!

I didn't think it was sharing. I think it was judgemental of her situation. If i am mistaken, please let's stop attacking each other and explain yourself. I'm listening.

[Rmb]

Suz...Never let anyone else define you...You and you alone select your thoughts.
I hope you resolve your situation soon and find happiness :) :)

[Annie]

Annie, please. let's disarm here. I am responding to this.

I agree! Why go back? If you allow your daughter to grow up in a mentally unstable and abusive home whether or not your daughter is being directly abused... then you are, in some ways neglecting her. You are setting her up for the very same kind of relationship in her future that you have now! Is that what you want for her? Children learn by watching US! Think about what you are showing her!

I didn't think it was sharing. I think it was judgemental of her situation. If i am mistaken, please let's stop attacking each other and explain yourself. I'm listening. It was my parents job to provide me a healthy environment. They could not do so while attacking each other. It's that simple. Even when they didn't think I could hear them... I did. My father was abusing ME as he attacked MY MOTHER!!!! If you can see that any other way, let me know! You can't attack my MOTHER and still have MY emotional needs in mind!!!!

[Outta]

It was my parents job to provide me a healthy environment. They could not do so while attacking each other. It's that simple. Even when they didn't think I could hear them... I did. My father was abusing ME as he attacked MY MOTHER!!!! If you can see that any other way, let me know! You can't attack my MOTHER and still have MY emotional needs in mind!!!!
ok, annie. i see your point. i think some of understood that you were talking directly to Suz. That she was the "you" in the statement. That's why the anger and response.

[Rmb]

Let's be careful here ...I grew up in an abusive home...my mother did not "allow" it...she could not prevent it....individual circumstances vary...one size does not fit all. Fortunately today there are several more alternatives available in some abuse situations...but not all. Sure you could have said she could have walked away with her two kids into poverty....or gone to unreceptive authorities which existed in those days.
I actively support victims of domestic abuse...but in many places there is literally no support available. At 6 years of age holding hands with my 4 year old brother I was pushed onto the street by my "father" carrying a crust of bread. The asshole thought it was funny... but ran after me and brought us back..Good job I was heading for the cop station even at that age!

[spare_change]

Gee --- and I missed all this!!!

Everybody take a deep breath.

Jen - as a man who has cheated (more times than I care to admit), I want to compliment on a most incisive, and accurate, assessment of the male mind (well, at least mine). Men are physical creatures; physicality rules their universe. Kudos, my dear.

Suz -- I'm truly sorry to hear the pain your husband has caused. I wish it had been different. I think, though, you overreacted to Major's question about why people return to unsafe, or unsatisfactory, relationships. I, too, have wondered why that would be -- is it an issue of economics, or fear?? What makes people go back? I truly don't believe he was judging anything.

Outta - You were quick to jump to defend against a non-attack. I'm not sure the shining armor didn't affect your analysis, my friend. Nobody said anything about Suz. The question was about relationships in general - Suz obviously has been places most haven't, and is the only person who can provide insight and help others to understand. MCat made the point, and a very valid one I must tell you, that selecting the person to cheat with very seldom (in my cases, never) had anything to do with physical attributes. It had to do with convenience, willingness, camaraderie, friendship, and kinship.

Annie -- I'm sorry about your childhood. It must have been a tough thing to carry. I don't think you were judging anybody - I thought you were just trying to relate another, and often forgotten, facet of the story. Children aren't only affected when the marriage dissolves; sometimes the most damage is done while the couple is still married.

[OccassionalFun]

Excuse me!?!? How dare you judge me or my motives! How dare you! You have no idea why I didn't want to discuss or be reminded of what I lived through during my childhood. You came on here and gave a daily dose of it... every day I had to look at that thread and be reminded of it. Do you really think that a flirting site was meant for that? How dare you judge me and then when I do share what I know to be true you attack! Shame On You!!!

Please people - settle down. We are all here to have enjoy the support of each other, not judge motives and make friends. I am sure he did not mean to imply judgement Annie.

OF

[Annie]

Gee --- and I missed all this!!!

Everybody take a deep breath.

Annie -- I'm sorry about your childhood. It must have been a tough thing to carry. I don't think you were judging anybody - I thought you were just trying to relate another, and often forgotten, facet of the story. Children aren't only affected when the marriage dissolves; sometimes the most damage is done while the couple is still married.Thank you for the kind comments. You are right... most of the damage is done during the marriage, not the break up. I was actually very much relieved when they split up. At least the fighting stopped and my sister and I could finally live in peace.

[OccassionalFun]

Suz...Never let anyone else define you...You and you alone select your thoughts.
I hope you resolve your situation soon and find happiness :) :)

Amen bro!

OF

[OICurready4me]

Can I ask why my two posts are being deleted? I can't have a stated opinion and support a friend?


My fault, my friend. I deleted your post. It was only a single post that was deleted. I intended to send you a PM to explain why, but got distracted. You should have received the rationale by now.

Mea culpa!


Spare

[thickitalian]

I may not be invited into this conversation and I understand...but...wouldn't it make sense to take the rest of your conversations into private mail so the both of you can understand no one at all is being purposely verbally abusive in any way. Text is what it is...and can be easily misconstrued...I read what Annie said and as a totally neutral person who knows nobody involved ...I can take her statement two ways. The anger, frustration, and the Knight in Shining Armour approach will let our minds only think in one way....you seem to have a good head on your shoulders O and Suz is blessed to have you to speak with.

Please do not feel I am being critical...it is not meant to be...but perhaps that is why personal mail should be the tool of choice right now.


Annie, please. let's disarm here. I am responding to this.

I agree! Why go back? If you allow your daughter to grow up in a mentally unstable and abusive home whether or not your daughter is being directly abused... then you are, in some ways neglecting her. You are setting her up for the very same kind of relationship in her future that you have now! Is that what you want for her? Children learn by watching US! Think about what you are showing her!

I didn't think it was sharing. I think it was judgemental of her situation. If i am mistaken, please let's stop attacking each other and explain yourself. I'm listening.

[Outta]

I may not be invited into this conversation and I understand...but...wouldn't it make sense to take the rest of your conversations into private mail so the both of you can understand no one at all is being purposely verbally abusive in any way. Text is what it is...and can be easily misconstrued...I read what Annie said and as a totally neutral person who knows nobody involved ...I can take her statement two ways. The anger, frustration, and the Knight in Shining Armour approach will let our minds only think in one way....you seem to have a good head on your shoulders O and Suz is blessed to have you to speak with.

Please do not feel I am being critical...it is not meant to be...but perhaps that is why personal mail should be the tool of choice right now.
Well the shining armour thing is not an issue. I read the post as I read it, as telling Suz she should not go back to the house as it is affecting her daughter, and others saw it the same way. I really don't think I responded out of bravado.

This issue of abuse goes back a ways, particularly to a thread I started, and it has caused a lot of pain and frustration. To me, it's indicative of a real problem in society. I do respect Annie's opinion on it. Whenever it's brought up it ignites a lot of pain from her past. But I happen to think posting is a fair way of sharing the pain and helping each other out. If someone disagrees with that, they should butt out and not comment. It's that simple.

We mostly have fun here, Thick. Don't be discouraged. But I'm sure most of us have painful issues in our lives. Sometimes they come out. In general, the mods do a good job of keeping it clean. You just saw the worst of it today. It's an emotional issue, and for those that have lived it or continue to live it, it will cause some argument.

[spare_change]

I may not be invited into this conversation and I understand...but...wouldn't it make sense to take the rest of your conversations into private mail so the both of you can understand no one at all is being purposely verbally abusive in any way. Text is what it is...and can be easily misconstrued...I read what Annie said and as a totally neutral person who knows nobody involved ...I can take her statement two ways. The anger, frustration, and the Knight in Shining Armour approach will let our minds only think in one way....you seem to have a good head on your shoulders O and Suz is blessed to have you to speak with.

Please do not feel I am being critical...it is not meant to be...but perhaps that is why personal mail should be the tool of choice right now.



Damn -- makes me want to kiss the guy!


(but, I'll resist)

[p.J]

I'll tell you something, I think its absolutely inevitable we are going to disagree or take offence with what someone says at some point or another. It at least shows we are intelligent and passionate about things! Imagine if we were sat having a dinner party, do we all sit there nodding obediently happily massaging each other's ego's? No do we hell-as-like, real people argue! and they argue about everything...and you know what? that's what makes this site so bloody marvellous because we are just that, 'Real People' ...

[OICurready4me]

Can I ask why my two posts are being deleted? I can't have a stated opinion and support a friend?


My fault, my friend. I deleted your post. It was only a single post that was deleted. I intended to send you a PM to explain why, but got distracted. You should have received the rationale by now.

Mea culpa!


Spare


Sorry to say, I had two posts deleted....one that originally was after post #252 and another that was after #269. Maybe you only deleted one, if so, another moderator must have deleted the other one.

Well, Suz, I tried to defend you. I hope you were able to read what I read before it was deleted. Luv ya babe! I'm here for you.

[spare_change]

Sorry to say, I had two posts deleted....one that originally was after post #252 and another that was after #269. Maybe you only deleted one, if so, another moderator must have deleted the other one.

Well, Suz, I tried to defend you. I hope you were able to read what I read before it was deleted. Luv ya babe! I'm here for you.

Sorry, my friend -- I just reviewed the archive. Whatever you thought you posted that was deleted by someone else never, in fact, made it into the database. That is unusual, but not unheard of. It is neither in the main database (the one for display), nor is there any record of it being deleted. Further, I went to the deletion data file, and the only post with your name on it is the one I deleted. (By the way, it was 20 minutes of research thru database entries -- you owe me a beer!)

[Outta]

I'll tell you something, I think its absolutely inevitable we are going to disagree or take offence with what someone says at some point or another. It at least shows we are intelligent and passionate about things! Imagine if we were sat having a dinner party, do we all sit there nodding obediently happily massaging each other's ego's? No do we hell-as-like, real people argue! and they argue about everything...and you know what? that's what makes this site so bloody marvellous because we are just that, 'Real People' ...
Jen is true to her pragmatic name.

Let's stop the bickering and figure out how to use our wisdom to help Suz out. What I see is that people who have experienced it may have something useful to offer.

I know she is powerless because her family and the police have been no help. Her husband is charming and is able to blame the incidents on accidents. Yet today, she is in surgery to repair the scar on her face that came from his baseball bat.

If she ups and takes her daughter away, he will evoke his rights to her. Since there is no forensic evidence, it is his word vs hers. And the sick thing is that he thinks his affairs are meaningless because they are just about sex. What she does here is much worse cheating because it is emotional. How f'd up is that? She has been sexually faithful to him for their entire marriage.

So if someone can offer some sensitive, caring advise from their own experience, please do. I suggest by PM directly to her. We don't want any more of these debates!

[spare_change]

..... and on that note, this thread is closed. If anyone wishes to start a new thread on the same original subject, please feel free to do so.


Spare