Falling out of love?

[OICurready4me]

There is so much discussion about lack of desire, poor communication between spouses, lack of sex and/or intmacy that I was wondering...what does it feel like to fall out of love? How do you know if you have fallen out of love? I don't know if I'm at this place or not...

[angelis]

i am beginning to wonder if i am at that stage myself!!

[loli_se53]

Same here. Sometimes i feel like is this really the man i'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I love him with all my heart but the communication is totally gone. His way of thinking is "do as i say, not as i do" and my way of thinking is "what's good for the goose is good for the gander". Not a good combination, right?

[p.J]

I have posted something similar before; however, my Dad once said that whenever he saw my Mum walking toward him, he would get butterflies in his stomach and an overpowering surge of emotion, and that was after 45 years of marriage! :) Now that is love...

[wylum]

Falling out of love could take a while. It did in my case. Happened about 18-20 years into the marrige. We had been together 7 before we got married. what were common interests and goals in High School changed as we both pursued our professional lives. We hung on for a miserable 12 more years until all four kids were out of college. After 32 years came the divorce and I could not be happier with my life. Beginning again is extremely difficult but gives a person a new chance on life. I know long term marriages work for some and not for others.

[G...G]

I've been married 10 years and been with my hubby for about 18 years. I go in and out of love with my hubby all the time. Being "in love" is a feeling. However, TRUE love is a committment that one makes, REGARDLESS of the feelings!

I am totally convinced that the divorce rate is so high because people base their committment on their feelings. Feelings change day to day, moment by moment. True love does not.

[loli_se53]

Spoken like a true genius.I've been married 10 years and been with my hubby for about 18 years. I go in and out of love with my hubby all the time. Being "in love" is a feeling. However, TRUE love is a committment that one makes, REGARDLESS of the feelings!

I am totally convinced that the divorce rate is so high because people base their committment on their feelings. Feelings change day to day, moment by moment. True love does not.

[G...G]

Thank you but OMG.. I am sooo far from a genius when it comes to love!! :D



Spoken like a true genius.

[p.J]

I've been married 10 years and been with my hubby for about 18 years. I go in and out of love with my hubby all the time. Being "in love" is a feeling. However, TRUE love is a committment that one makes, REGARDLESS of the feelings!

I am totally convinced that the divorce rate is so high because people base their committment on their feelings. Feelings change day to day, moment by moment. True love does not.

Very insightful georgia! and so true! :)

[dartgirl]

I've been married 10 years and been with my hubby for about 18 years. I go in and out of love with my hubby all the time. Being "in love" is a feeling. However, TRUE love is a committment that one makes, REGARDLESS of the feelings!

I am totally convinced that the divorce rate is so high because people base their committment on their feelings. Feelings change day to day, moment by moment. True love does not.

That makes sense but do you think that feelings aren't important? I loved my husband when I married him, but now although I respect him I don't love him romantically anymore. I feel no desire for him. I don't know if I am prepared to spend the rest of my life with someone I don't love. I don't think it is fair to either of us to live that way.

[G...G]

Feelings are very important. I just think that sometimes we get mad and think we have fallen out of love with them but it's just the mad feelings. I love my husband very much but he makes me so mad sometimes that I kinda feel like I have fallen out of love with him but actually I haven't.... So that's what I meant by falling in and out of love.



That makes sense but do you think that feelings aren't important? I loved my husband when I married him, but now although I respect him I don't love him romantically anymore. I feel no desire for him. I don't know if I am prepared to spend the rest of my life with someone I don't love. I don't think it is fair to either of us to live that way.

[Barkiss]

Thank you but OMG.. I am sooo far from a genius!! :D

Now that is something I can agree to!

[G...G]

Wow!! Imagine that.. Barkiss and georgia finally agree on something!! :D



Now that is something I can agree to!

[loli_se53]

Yeah i love my husband, but sometimes his ways make me so mad that i feel like i made a mistake. But bottom line is the good outweighs the bad. And he does try to keep a smile on my face every day even when i am soooooo pissed off at him.

[peaches]

To me it's when you feel no desire for the other person. I remember when I was in love...couldn't wait for him to come home, have desires for him, missed him when he wasn't around, thought about him all day long, sex was fantastic, Then slowly they disapperared one by one...till what was left but an empty shell. I will some feelings for him due to he is the father of my children but that is it. Sad as it sounds it has been reduced to this....and empty shell. The fighting and insults have gotten out of hand and the comunication is zero....yeah...it's time to get out. The damage unforutunitly has been done. Thing that have been said can't be taken back. It is very unhealty for both to stay in a relationship like this.
Everyone is different and you have to decide for yourself if it is over. No one but you can decide that. I hope this has helped someone out there.
GOOD LUCK!!!

[cherokeered]

I suppose you can fall out of something you can fall into....

[MIGHTY]

Marriage is definitely work. You have to put yourself into it every day. Both parties must do their part to make it a union. When one stops there is discouragement. I never thought I would fall out of love. Even after my husband told me he had not been in love with me for over a year, I was still in love. It hurt to hear that but inspired me to work that much harder to bring him back to that place. But, after months of trying, competing for his attention, showering him with affection I finally gave up the quest. Both parties must want love, passion, and to be in love. When the partnership dies so does the desire to work. It was easy to fall out of love when the feelings, sentiments, and desires were no longer being reciprocated. I am thankful every day that he made it easy for me to get there gradually. It was easy apparently for him and by treating me like his roomate instead of his wife, he made it easy for me as well.

[peaches]

Marriage is definitely work. You have to put yourself into it every day. Both parties must do their part to make it a union. When one stops there is discouragement. I never thought I would fall out of love. Even after my husband told me he had not been in love with me for over a year, I was still in love. It hurt to hear that but inspired me to work that much harder to bring him back to that place. But, after months of trying, competing for his attention, showering him with affection I finally gave up the quest. Both parties must want love, passion, and to be in love. When the partnership dies so does the desire to work. It was easy to fall out of love when the feelings, sentiments, and desires were no longer being reciprocated. I am thankful every day that he made it easy for me to get there gradually. It was easy apparently for him and by treating me like his roomate instead of his wife, he made it easy for me as well.
How true that is Mighty, as I know what that feels like, but he says he still loves me but the mental abuse is to much to handle anymore. He even thinks I'm cheating on him with someone where we live. I go to work and come home that is it, honest. Where do I have the time....lol....you got me. I always said I have a split personality, but this is rediculous......lol....Keep your head up high girl. You have done every thing right.

[confusedman]

Marriage is definitely work. You have to put yourself into it every day. Both parties must do their part to make it a union. When one stops there is discouragement. I never thought I would fall out of love. Even after my husband told me he had not been in love with me for over a year, I was still in love. It hurt to hear that but inspired me to work that much harder to bring him back to that place. But, after months of trying, competing for his attention, showering him with affection I finally gave up the quest. Both parties must want love, passion, and to be in love. When the partnership dies so does the desire to work. It was easy to fall out of love when the feelings, sentiments, and desires were no longer being reciprocated. I am thankful every day that he made it easy for me to get there gradually. It was easy apparently for him and by treating me like his roomate instead of his wife, he made it easy for me as well.

True statement, Mighty. But both parties have to have the energy and strength to work at marriage as well. When a variety of factors from kids demands to challenging work situations (heavy travel, long hours, etc.) erode both parties energy levels, break downs start to occur. Unfortunately, the places these breakdowns occur are in those areas most critical to keeping a marriage alive - communication, passion, sexual contact...

I think we fall in love with the soul of a person. When that soul is altered due to outside factors, our feelings have to change as well. Sometimes it's better, sometimes not.

I hope in the end that all of us can find a way to remain with the person (or people) who have souls that make us feel complete...only time will tell...

[nsamale]

Marriage is definitely work. You have to put yourself into it every day. Both parties must do their part to make it a union. When one stops there is discouragement. I never thought I would fall out of love. Even after my husband told me he had not been in love with me for over a year, I was still in love. It hurt to hear that but inspired me to work that much harder to bring him back to that place. But, after months of trying, competing for his attention, showering him with affection I finally gave up the quest. Both parties must want love, passion, and to be in love. When the partnership dies so does the desire to work. It was easy to fall out of love when the feelings, sentiments, and desires were no longer being reciprocated. I am thankful every day that he made it easy for me to get there gradually. It was easy apparently for him and by treating me like his roomate instead of his wife, he made it easy for me as well.

I am sorry to hear that Mighty...u r wonderful and beautiful...one that would treat u that way does not desever to have someone and wonderful as u r....i would never do that to one as beautiful as u...:kk

[gseven1]

I've been married 10 years and been with my hubby for about 18 years. I go in and out of love with my hubby all the time. Being "in love" is a feeling. However, TRUE love is a committment that one makes, REGARDLESS of the feelings!

I am totally convinced that the divorce rate is so high because people base their committment on their feelings. Feelings change day to day, moment by moment. True love does not.

Here Here Georgia! I couldn't agree more. The hard part is tempering the times when you don't feel the love (:whee:) so to speak. However, if the commitment wanes on one part or the other, I think it is much harder to come back on both sides.

[northernvam]

There is so much discussion about lack of desire, poor communication between spouses, lack of sex and/or intmacy that I was wondering...what does it feel like to fall out of love? How do you know if you have fallen out of love? I don't know if I'm at this place or not...

I tend to think that all the things that you list there ...

- lack of desire
- poor communicatino
- lack of sex and/or intimacy

are all part of the human condition. I was just reading an article in Scientific American that was basically saying that "happiness" as such is about 60 percent genetic and that there is basically as "set point" that you are born with.

Modifying that "set point" apparently is very difficult, and even with external events, such as winning a lottery, your basic level of happiness only changes for a small time before returning to your set point.

For me, this is basically saying that even if you do change partners, you may be temporarily happy, but in the end, you tend to drift back to your natural set point for happiness.

So, I guess you can say that I'm reasonably cynical about having external events make you happy, and now I tend to believe that how content you are with your life is really is how you approach life.

[midwestcouple]

I know that I love my wife alot but I also know that we have alot of work to do to make it work. Growing up from two different back grounds and having to make them work as one is not as an easy thing to do but the rewards can be soo much more. I'm use to getting it done on the spot and the wife is a little more relaxed about it. I know that if I didn't want it in the first place then I would have not gone thru it.

M

[MagicalMerlin]

I've been married 10 years and been with my hubby for about 18 years. I go in and out of love with my hubby all the time. Being "in love" is a feeling. However, TRUE love is a committment that one makes, REGARDLESS of the feelings!

I am totally convinced that the divorce rate is so high because people base their committment on their feelings. Feelings change day to day, moment by moment. True love does not.

GA, you should take up being a Marriage Therapist! Well spoken and if more had the same attitude as you, then yes I do agree that the divorce rate would not be where it is today! Far to many give up far to quick and to easily....the part "Until death do we part' is more like "Unitl I get pissed and justdon't want to have to deal with it or you anymore" ...now-a-days. Good for you for hanging in there!

[fly]

I haven't "fallen out of love"........
but our love is certainly more complicated and this stage of our lives
and less "dreamy" than it was when we were newlywed.
It is a lot of work......hopefully it will be worth it in the end.

[MCat]

The dreamy part kind of disappears after a few years, we age, turn into older, more mature versions of our younger selves. The dreamy firework stuff evolves into routine, comfort, habit.

Hank and I went through some really rough years...I don't ever remember thinking I had fallen out of love. I worried constantly about whether he still loved me, why is this happening to us - we love each other.

I'm sure the thought of ending our marriage went through his mind too, we were not even talking, not having sex, not smiling. I wish I could go back and see what our kids saw....:(

During the years that we thought were so bad for us....the thought of not being together was worse than the trouble we were having.

I'm so glad we didn't give it up.:knuddel:

[Cotties]

I see alot of people have really liked this post you made. For me it makes no sense. At no stage have I ever not loved my wife. The madder I get, the more I realise how much I love this women. At no stage have I ever questioned my love for her. I have had times when I feel she does not love me to the same degree but the concept of falling out of love makes it all seem so fake. For me its not a feeling that comes and goes even when I have thought about leaving her.


The hardest thing for me is I don't think we were put on this earth to love one person and only one person. Perhaps my heart is too big or too selfish. But falling out of love I think can never happen for me.
Feelings are very important. I just think that sometimes we get mad and think we have fallen out of love with them but it's just the mad feelings. I love my husband very much but he makes me so mad sometimes that I kinda feel like I have fallen out of love with him but actually I haven't.... So that's what I meant by falling in and out of love.

[Rmb]

Sometimes I think we tend to see, and dwell upon, that which is missing in our marriages.
No one is perfect, and rarely is one person totally perfect for another.
We could meet someone in real life, and take them as a lover, and be very happy in the love affair. However, I think the two lovers would often be happy because of what they each brought to the relationship....and that would probably be the aspects missing in their marriages. If they subsequently destroyed their families and marriages to marry their lovers, it would bring into the new marriage other aspects and responsibilities.
Possibly these added responsibilities, which they may have been perfectly happy with, and perhaps took for granted in their previous marriages, may become new sources of discontent.
Making passionate love with a lover is one thing, taking care of the other basic, tedious, stressful, and boring stuff, required in a lifetime union, is something else.
The statistics on the success of second marriages are , I believe, pretty dismal.
True some marriages are total disasters and should be dissolved because of abuse and other serious unliveable situations...One size obviously does not fit all....

[G...G]

I'm far from a marriage counselor..lol I have worked for divorce attorney's and I've seen alot. I've had phone calls like.... "How much do you all charge for divorces"? LOL and after talking to the person on the phone for a bit.. I find out that it's the hubby or wife pissed off at the other one. Needless to say, they never come in... just their way of blowing off steam, I guess.


"Until death do we part' is more like "Unitl I get pissed and justdon't want to have to deal with it or you anymore"
That is so very true!!!! :)

GA, you should take up being a Marriage Therapist! Well spoken and if more had the same attitude as you, then yes I do agree that the divorce rate would not be where it is today! Far to many give up far to quick and to easily....the part "Until death do we part' is more like "Unitl I get pissed and justdon't want to have to deal with it or you anymore" ...now-a-days. Good for you for hanging in there!

[OICurready4me]

I originally asked the question because I really didn't know what the answer was. Now, after reading the responses, I still don't. You've made me think about which side of the fence I'm on and what my feelings really mean, good or bad, but it has opened my eyes nonetheless.


Either way, there are days that I can't stand to look at her, listen to her, be in the same room with her or even in the same house as her. I just have to be by myself, away from the petty bullshit, nitpicking, nagging, just plain negativity that she thrives on. Other days, she is the most loving adorable caring woman and think that is more of who I married. I just find that the latter days are so much less than they were 2 years, 5 years, 7 years ago. They are dwindling to the point that I want to be alone alot more often than be with her. Is that wrong? I don't really know.

[G...G]

Sorry it made no sense to you. What I was trying to say is.... sometimes we may "think" we have fallen out of love when in reality.. we are just pissed off. Marriage is something that both the husband and wife must give their all....

And you're right!! You do have a big heart!! :)


I see alot of people have really liked this post you made. For me it makes no sense. At no stage have I ever not loved my wife. The madder I get, the more I realise how much I love this women. At no stage have I ever questioned my love for her. I have had times when I feel she does not love me to the same degree but the concept of falling out of love makes it all seem so fake. For me its not a feeling that comes and goes even when I have thought about leaving her.


The hardest thing for me is I don't think we were put on this earth to love one person and only one person. Perhaps my heart is too big or too selfish. But falling out of love I think can never happen for me.

[majorfun]

I totally agree....But have you ever thought damn to hell fcuk the committment my happiness is worth more than this... I have but then I look at the statistics for girls (bcus I have two) that come from divorced families... Thye are more likely to become pregnant, experiment with drugs and alcohol and become victims of sexual assualt or abuse....Once I take all that into consideration....My life can be as miserable as hell and I am not going anywhere...



I've been married 10 years and been with my hubby for about 18 years. I go in and out of love with my hubby all the time. Being "in love" is a feeling. However, TRUE love is a committment that one makes, REGARDLESS of the feelings!

I am totally convinced that the divorce rate is so high because people base their committment on their feelings. Feelings change day to day, moment by moment. True love does not.

[Frenchie]

I originally asked the question because I really didn't know what the answer was. Now, after reading the responses, I still don't. You've made me think about which side of the fence I'm on and what my feelings really mean, good or bad, but it has opened my eyes nonetheless.


Either way, there are days that I can't stand to look at her, listen to her, be in the same room with her or even in the same house as her. I just have to be by myself, away from the petty bullshit, nitpicking, nagging, just plain negativity that she thrives on. Other days, she is the most loving adorable caring woman and think that is more of who I married. I just find that the latter days are so much less than they were 2 years, 5 years, 7 years ago. They are dwindling to the point that I want to be alone alot more often than be with her. Is that wrong? I don't really know.

Dude

I know your older then me but you already know... You still love her or else you wouldnt even be asking so dont worry about that part.

There's nothing wrong with the way your thinking, hell I think like that sometimes and we've been together 6 years.

I beleive it's time for you two to have a nice sit down and talk about where your at in your lifes and what you expect. maybe she as some stuff she needs to talk about but is affraid you know? Maybe she wants something or maybe you've changed and there's something you dont see that she does and triggers that stuff.

Trust me you'll know when your done, you'll know. You'll be here with a I'm single now post! lol

Good luck bud, if I can help out let me know

[Kissie]

At one time I thought that me and SGT were going to divorce...but when I married him it was for better or worse...and with all the shit he goes through with the Army...there is alot of stressful times in our lives...so there seems to be alot of "worse" times...but I know deep in my heart I love him dearly...not just for what he does but for who he is!!!!

He may not give me all of the loving I need...but that is why I own my "loving" toys!!!!
Falling out of love...in the 26 years we have been married even the 2 years we were seperated...I dont think that will ever happen in my case...
I know he loves me and he does show me alot...just not in bed!!!!! Damn that sounded very selfish!!!!

[flamengo130]

Very interesting thread. Just reading thru it gives answers and develops questions. I guess in order to fall "out of love" one must first be "in love". That is the tough part. My only credibility is that I have been married more than once...so, at some point I fell out of love...but the love, in some form, remains forever. Maybe it was I that was in love...and not her

[OccassionalFun]

I have posted something similar before; however, my Dad once said that whenever he saw my Mum walking toward him, he would get butterflies in his stomach and an overpowering surge of emotion, and that was after 45 years of marriage! :) Now that is love...

Likely. But possibly also a refined gentleman's way of poetically & diplomatically suggesting to their adoring daughter that her mom was a terrible cook.

OF

[OccassionalFun]

I've been married 10 years and been with my hubby for about 18 years. I go in and out of love with my hubby all the time. Being "in love" is a feeling. However, TRUE love is a committment that one makes, REGARDLESS of the feelings!

I am totally convinced that the divorce rate is so high because people base their committment on their feelings. Feelings change day to day, moment by moment. True love does not.

Thanks for that insight Georgia. I feel similar about it. There are times when the euphoria of being in love is not emotionally sustainable through the mundane patterns of modern day domestic routine. There is not day to day joy in changing diapers, doing the laundry, mowing the yard, or disciplining errant children nor paying the bills.

But this is not to say that the absence of a sustained romantic and passionate love is indicative of a loveless marriage. It's just a hurting or distracted sort of love that is expressed differently and sometimes subtly. Love to me is an entire spectrum that is ever changing and adapting. I believe in commitments and can sacrifice some of my own needs as an expression of belief in that ideal or principal. In that sense I think that a dedication to persevering toward a commitment irrespective of the level of joy and emotional fulfillment is itself an expression of love. Albeit a suffering sort of love. We all want to reach the zenith of our potential but in truth very very few people, if any, ever get the luxury to do that in this life.

There is an old adage in the gym that I think has some relevance in marriage. We say "if you are not growing and progressing and hurting then you are dieing." I think the concept of "falling out of love" is really more along the lines of refusing to grow and letting things stagnate and whither. Everyone needs a 50,000 mile tune up and renovation but its better to continuously integrate a pattern of relational "exercise".

So, we just need to incorporate the concept of commitment into the responsibilities necessary for actively exercising our relationships to keep them alive and growing. That's not to say we can't look and admire something special that catches our eye or get a kitchen pass now and then. :D

OF

[OccassionalFun]

I tend to think that all the things that you list there ...

- lack of desire
- poor communicatino
- lack of sex and/or intimacy

are all part of the human condition. I was just reading an article in Scientific American that was basically saying that "happiness" as such is about 60 percent genetic and that there is basically as "set point" that you are born with.

Modifying that "set point" apparently is very difficult, and even with external events, such as winning a lottery, your basic level of happiness only changes for a small time before returning to your set point.

For me, this is basically saying that even if you do change partners, you may be temporarily happy, but in the end, you tend to drift back to your natural set point for happiness.

So, I guess you can say that I'm reasonably cynical about having external events make you happy, and now I tend to believe that how content you are with your life is really is how you approach life.

I like your conceptual idea of a "set point". We see this exact same principal all the time in the gym with people trying to lose weight. I like to use this "health" metaphor when talking about relationships since to me it is very much a form of well being or health. In body building we note that each person has their own unique metabolic "set point" that changes with age. The higher this set point is makes it progressively easier for some to be lean, muscular and fit. Where as lower set point individuals must have the will to work hard just to maintain status quo. But there are tricks we use to ramp up the metabolic set point to transform people into an almost new creation. But it takes a lot of work and a commitment to keep it up since its not a natural thing the body wants to do for a given physiological template (mostly a genetically determined factor). I think this principal has an analog in the relational metabolism we have and we should be conscious that not everyone is blessed with a high metabolic emotional physiology and they need encouragement and coaching to let them achieve and sustain higher levels of emotional passion.

I also think your final comment about how content one is a function of "how you approach life" is quite close to the mark. But I don't know if this is a personality factor or a learned behavior that can be easily modified. It may take more than simple will it usually requires a severe stress adaptation to get a lasting change - such as the threat of losing the marriage or an event that shakes us to our core identities.

I think though that it is more precise to say that a marriage can't be happy unless both parties are happy and love themselves just as much as they love the other party. The problem comes when there is what I call an emotional impedance mismatch or a grossly unequal emotional paring. There is never likely a perfect match but ideally I think we want relationships to start off as close to emotionally equal as we can. Just like in a business deal - it MUST be win-win where both sides think they got a fair deal. If it starts off with one feeling like they won the lottery and the other just reasonably content then its probably not a good match since this is a marker that one person traded emotional attachment for something else (e.g. less than ideal chemistry for perhaps security or wealth). But even an impedance mismatch can be made to work if there is respect and understanding upfront about what is being traded for what. Lacking respect or at least an underpinning of friendship and common values means nothing positive is possible.

I think the hardest part about relationships is keeping the emotional growth rates close or similar over the years so no one outgrows the other. The other danger is when one is left alone to carry an emotionally disproportionate burden too long. When that happens a sacrificial labor of love becomes an endless toil that holds everyone back. One feels used and the other feels unworthy and oweing an emotional debt that can't be repaid.

OF

[cherokeered]

I think though that it is more precise to say that a marriage can't be happy unless both parties are happy and love themselves just as much as they love the other party. The problem comes when there is what I call an emotional impedance mismatch or a grossly unequal emotional paring. There is never likely a perfect match but ideally I think we want relationships to start off as close to emotionally equal as we can. Just like in a business deal - it MUST be win-win where both sides think they got a fair deal. If it starts off with one feeling like they won the lottery and the other just reasonably content then its probably not a good match since this is a marker that one person traded emotional attachment for something else (e.g. less than ideal chemistry for perhaps security or wealth). But even an impedance mismatch can be made to work if there is respect and understanding upfront about what is being traded for what. Lacking respect or at least an underpinning of friendship and common values means nothing positive is possible.

I think the hardest part about relationships is keeping the emotional growth rates close or similar over the years so no one outgrows the other. The other danger is when one is left alone to carry an emotionally disproportionate burden too long. When that happens a sacrificial labor of love becomes an endless toil that holds everyone back. One feels used and the other feels unworthy and oweing an emotional debt that can't be repaid.

OF

I agree with this....up to a point....lol

[MagicalMerlin]

I'm far from a marriage counselor..lol I have worked for divorce attorney's and I've seen alot. I've had phone calls like.... "How much do you all charge for divorces"? LOL and after talking to the person on the phone for a bit.. I find out that it's the hubby or wife pissed off at the other one. Needless to say, they never come in... just their way of blowing off steam, I guess.

Yes, although from what you are posted about your marriage and your experiences within it, at least you are, or can be a positive influence on people whether here or at work...which as I see it you have. So don't underestimate your abilities. Just being a good listening friend and then offering up your accounts, as you have done here, can be someone of wise counsel. Plus have a positive impact on others. KUDOS!:55


I have to add...GA. I went back from start to finish of this thread. Look at how many times you were quoted. I really feel that you had a very positive impact on this thread. In general in society everyone likes to put their two cents in. However when it comes to the brass tacks, more people tend to play the blame game. They do not want to take responsibility nor accountability for their actions or otherwise. I have seen it happen many times, and even here. We are people of habit or routine and it is hard to change. Plus to many fear of stepping out of their comfort zones. Fear is a natural defense enstilled in all of us. However one must use fear as a motivator and not a jailor! Yet it is people like you GA. that can see the true reality, that at times you are just pissed off and not actually falling out of love. For the rest of us your experiences can be an inspiration. I say this because looking back on some of my past relationships that failed, the other party sought cousel from family, friends, peers, or co-workers whom had stuggling relationships themselves. Not a wise chioce in my view. If I may state an old adage without offending anyone, "We become like those around us." Being like you, seeing it for what it is, that maybe you're just upset at the moment, I encouraged those past famales to seek out advice from people such as yourself. Based on that adage if we were around more people with your attitude on marriage or relationships, then I would venture to say that there would be less problems or divorces. GA. there was no smoke and mirror illusions or tricks in what you said. Yet my past ex's from when I was younger sought the advice of those whom were using drugs, to being spouse hatersor abusers, or to the extent that they too were getting divorced. The numbers don't from your post lie! All I can say is that if my marriage or relationship was in termoil, pissed, upset or not, I am going to seekout the advice from people like you. Again, don't underestimate your abilities to be a positive influence. The negatives one were the one that destroyed mine. KUDOS to you GA!:55

[spare_change]

GA - wake up!!! He's flirting with you!! Wake up, dang it!

[lookin4more]

Sometimes I think we tend to see, and dwell upon, that which is missing in our marriages.
No one is perfect, and rarely is one person totally perfect for another.
We could meet someone in real life, and take them as a lover, and be very happy in the love affair. However, I think the two lovers would often be happy because of what they each brought to the relationship....and that would probably be the aspects missing in their marriages. If they subsequently destroyed their families and marriages to marry their lovers, it would bring into the new marriage other aspects and responsibilities.
Possibly these added responsibilities, which they may have been perfectly happy with, and perhaps took for granted in their previous marriages, may become new sources of discontent.
Making passionate love with a lover is one thing, taking care of the other basic, tedious, stressful, and boring stuff, required in a lifetime union, is something else.
The statistics on the success of second marriages are , I believe, pretty dismal.
True some marriages are total disasters and should be dissolved because of abuse and other serious unliveable situations...One size obviously does not fit all....

Dude, you hit the nail square on the head and sunk it with a single swing with this one. Could not agree more.

[cherokeered]

for me it's a bit different....I married someone i was not in love with...he was safe....knew he would never cheat....problem was, he was too safe....there was no spark...and yes i did try to create one or imagine there was...


Now I have fallen in love...and yes, I can tell the difference and no, I am not in lust or a schoolgirl giddy type of thing....it's love...it's so different from what i have ever known...because i have never been in love before...

I am not the quick to fall in or out of love....btw I have been married for 23 years this year

[loli_se53]

I have been married 5 1/2 years. This is my second marriage (but his first). Sometimes i feel like the man i married stayed at the altar. He was so good to me. He spoiled me rotten emotionally. My first marriage was very abusive, mentally, emotionally and physically. Now that these past 5 years have gone by I feel like my life is a lie. On the outside we seem so happy but we're not. It has gotten to the point where i have just accepted this life. I don't want to fail again. I'm not so much scared of being alone but more scared of having to fall in love again. I do love my husband and in the beggining of our marriage i truly believed we were meant to be together. But how can u make someone respect you and what you believe in. I really do want my marriage to last but how? Especially if he's not trying to hear how i feel. He always finds a way to twist my words around and then on top of that, make me feel like i am so stupid for feeling the way that i feel.

[cherokeered]

GA - wake up!!! He's flirting with you!! Wake up, dang it!

Is that what that was.................:whee:

[FitMidwestGuy39]

I have been married 5 1/2 years. This is my second marriage (but his first). Sometimes i feel like the man i married stayed at the altar. He was so good to me. He spoiled me rotten emotionally. My first marriage was very abusive, mentally, emotionally and physically. Now that these past 5 years have gone by I feel like my life is a lie. On the outside we seem so happy but we're not. It has gotten to the point where i have just accepted this life. I don't want to fail again. I'm not so much scared of being alone but more scared of having to fall in love again. I do love my husband and in the beggining of our marriage i truly believed we were meant to be together. But how can u make someone respect you and what you believe in. I really do want my marriage to last but how? Especially if he's not trying to hear how i feel. He always finds a way to twist my words around and then on top of that, make me feel like i am so stupid for feeling the way that i feel.

There is nothing nice about making you feel badly about who or how you are. Sensualtiy, sexualtity, and intimacy are far more mental than physical, not to mention that they are really hard to enjoy without communication. If you can't communicate at an intimate level, you can't move forward. Best of luck with your decisions here, it doesn't sound easy, but the nice part about this site is that there are probably others who know just how you feel...

[Michael77]

I feel my wife and i go through periods of not really knowing if we are still in love..i feel thats just as bad as falling out of love..or is there a difference??..sex is more like a chore than enjoyment..sure wished we had that spice again..

[1hotmommy]

I have often wondered if I have fallen out of love with my husband. Our relationship just doesn't feel the same as it used to. But I'm not sure exactly what it all means.

[Papa Chubby]

I fell out of love with my wife, but there was still an ember there in my heart.

I didn't hate her, i liked her. Just fell out of love. We had wall built so high that we could not see each other as anything but friends.

But she still loved me.

And she started to show me finally how much she did.

And I fell back in love when she blew on that ember, and started the fire again.

[Beth]

Well let me tell you. You know you are falling out of love when...
They walk in the door and you feel yourself cringe
You suspect that they may be looking elsewhere for sex and you are alright with that because you know you won't have to do it.
You no longer argue.

[kjguy43]

I would say that its time to get out..wow..those are some tough signs!



Well let me tell you. You know you are falling out of love when...
They walk in the door and you feel yourself cringe
You suspect that they may be looking elsewhere for sex and you are alright with that because you know you won't have to do it.
You no longer argue.

[danny115]

Although I am married, I've never been in love. But I would guess that if your partner suddenly vanished you would break out the champagne.

[ksue7274]

I guess you fall out of love when you can't stand to be around the person anymore.

[Code]

Yes you can fall out of love. It just takes longer than falling in love. For some unfortunately what they tought in the begining to be love was more lust and they do not find out till after married.

When do you know you are falling out of love? A simple analogy: Which route do you take home when you know your spouce is there? The quickest or the long way? You be the judge.

[noodlegurl]

Yes you can fall out of love. It just takes longer than falling in love. For some unfortunately what they tought in the begining to be love was more lust and they do not find out till after married.

When do you know you are falling out of love? A simple analogy: Which route do you take home when you know your spouce is there? The quickest or the long way? You be the judge.

I guess I know, I have been years taking the longest routes home.......... If it would not be for my children the route would never go home...........:sc

[lilolekimba67(f)]

I know you can fall out of love cause I seen my ex do it

[yaser]

Falling in love is my business but falling out is hers.

[Sneaky]

When do you know you are falling out of love? A simple analogy: Which route do you take home when you know your spouce is there? The quickest or the long way? You be the judge.

You no longer argue.

Our relationship just doesn't feel the same as it used to. But I'm not sure exactly what it all means..

I think the hardest part about relationships is keeping the emotional growth rates close or similar over the years so no one outgrows the other

All very good examples. How much of this is a normal part of marriage? The spark eventually fades, right? Is this normal and some of us have unreasonable expectations? To me some of these are a sign of just giving up the fight for something. The effort seems like it isn't really being rewarded.

[Chrissy]

I guess I know, I have been years taking the longest routes home.......... If it would not be for my children the route would never go home...........:sc


I know all the longest routes too

[My_Secrets_Kept]

When do you know you are falling out of love? A simple analogy: Which route do you take home when you know your spouce is there? The quickest or the long way? You be the judge.
I guess I know, I have been years taking the longest routes home.......... If it would not be for my children the route would never go home...........:sc
I know all the longest routes too

For atleast half our marriage I've been taking the long route home, spending longer shopping than really is needed, going out to run errands while he's home instead of when he's at work. Now that we're half ass separated it's gotten even worse.

[unctarheel_32]

I fell out of love with my ex gf,it got to the point where I just couldn't stand to be withe her so I worked all the time.

[Shiane]

Think back to all the reasons you fell in love with that certain someone. It wasn't just because of how they looked, it was the whole package. The way they made you smile, their sense of humor, the passion in their kiss, the kindness in their heart, the unselfishness, the sharing, the integrity, the honesty, the openess, the longing for them. Seeing them and feeling your stomach turn to knots, The warmth of their breath on your skin, the tingling. Well anyway you get my point, you fell in love not because of one thing in particular, but because of many things.

Sometimes life has a nasty way of destroying these feelings. We get lazy, we get bored, we get too comfortable. Sure we all want that fire, but after a while the fire burns down to warm glowing embers, that big hot flame isn't there but those embers are more than enough to keep you warm. And, occasionally stirring those embers can ignite a pretty intense flame. You have to keep finding ways to keep the fire going and not just in your sex life. You can't just rely on only those things you felt in the beginning, you have to keep adding to it.

Think of it as a pyramid with the foundation being honesty, trust, committment, forgivness, caring, compassion, understanding and communication. (or whatever is most important to you) You have to keep adding things to the relationship and each thing is a piece of this pyramid. If you don't keep adding to it eventually you start losing the pieces of the foundation. If you lose even a few pieces of the foundation it can have detrimental effects on the entire structure causing it to be weak and unbalanced.

Think of it this way, the higher pieces weigh down the foundation to keep them in place. The more pieces you add the more you anchor the foundation making it sound structure that is able to withstand even the harshest of storms. If you don't have a sound structure, you could end up with a pile of rubble and all of a sudden you're left picking up whatever pieces you can salvage.

A pyramid is very much like a marriage, it isn't built overnight and it you don't maintain it, repair it eventually it will crumble. But, if you do it right, if you keep working on it, you can have something that will stand the test of time.

If you think you have fallen out of love, go back and look at the foundation. If the foundation is still there, you can always rebuild it. If it is no longer there, well then it is time to salvage what pieces you can and rebuild somewhere else.

[p.a]

I don't think we've fallen out of love so much as we have fallen out of lust. I still worry about her if she's not home from work when I expect her to be and doesn't call. I get upset when she's angry about something that happen at her job. And I always call when I'm at the store to ask if she needs something. she never shows the same interest but I've gotten use to it. When I have sex on the brain, she's usually the face I put with the other images from rude.com. I have to admit that when she was interested in sex, She could get the flag up the pole pretty much at will. Our sexual problem was not gradual. It was like now you see it, now it's gone. Menopause they is like that for some women. One day she's a freak and the next day she's a Nun.
No, I have not fallen out of love with her. She's fallen out of lust with me.

[Torin]

I think if you are questioning if you are still in love, you probably still are. When the feeling is gone, you KNOW its gone.

[fishon]

I think if you are questioning if you are still in love, you probably still are. When the feeling is gone, you KNOW its gone.


you hit the nail right on the head with that one girl!!!!

[Torin]

you hit the nail right on the head with that one girl!!!!

Amazing what a failed marriage can teach you. :(

[p.a]

Amazing what life can teach you.

[FRMale]

I know all the longest routes too

It's time to find a short cut home... Home is where the heart is...

Place your hand on your chest... There!!! you are home. Now, listen to her beat and find your rhythm. It's not too difficult... Trust in yourself and love with find it's way inside

:wa:

[Chrissy]

It's time to find a short cut home... Home is where the heart is...

Place your hand on your chest... There!!! you are home. Now, listen to her beat and find your rhythm. It's not too difficult... Trust in yourself and love with find it's way inside

:wa:



Thanks FRMale
needed that today :kk

[RedVixen]

There is so much discussion about lack of desire, poor communication between spouses, lack of sex and/or intmacy that I was wondering...what does it feel like to fall out of love? How do you know if you have fallen out of love? I don't know if I'm at this place or not...

Honestly, it feels awful. It's also something that you just know when it hits. One day your heart just doesn't feel the same way about things that it once felt passion for :(

[1hotmommy]

That does sound awful...crossing my fingers I don't ever feel that way.

[Boredmarriedlover]

i'm not sure i know what being in love is anymore.

my heart goes out to all you people that feel lonely, to those lovely but abandoned beautiful wives.

Once i was on the beach with my uncle, I was a young dude. A real yummy walked next to us and i said to him: now that is a beautiful woman!
And he repied, seriously: all women are beautiful. And it just remained in my mind and slowly taught me to look at them differently.
So he has been married to my aunt for 63 years, and my parents have been married for almost 50.

If your wife is bautiful to you for the right reasons, i believe, (but sadly don't know) one should not fall out of love

[scoobertina]

You have to fall in love before you can fall out of love..

[Postman]

Is there a clear cut definition for love?
And without that can you fall out of it?

[oneqt]

Love definity changes as the relationship grinds on. I dont think the love goes. Maybe its the changes in one another and the inability or unwillingness in to chase eachother that creates the feeling of lost love. Love it pretty tough!

[My_Secrets_Kept]

There are all different degrees and forms of love, and sure guess it's possible to fall out of some types of love, it's defined differently for everyone. Admitedly I have never been "in" love with my husband. He was safe, knew he'd probably never stray, didn't think he'd ever hurt me, and I thought his love for me was strong enough to carry us both. But I was wrong, we failed and hurt each other in so many ways over the years that sometimes it's unimaginable. I have so much guilt over how things are ending because I really didn't think all that through at the begining & for the past 10 years who knows, we both could have been sharing in what we are both deserving of, instead of this mess. But you know what they say about hindsight!?!!

With all that being said, I do believe that there is one form of love that never leaves your heart no matter the time, distance and space that may be between you. It remains there even if the relationship has faultered, you still ache for them even when you are no longer "one". It's that soulful, unquestioned, sometimes painful, unwavering, undeniable, adoration of another. You can become angry and upset, yet at the same time you still love them and embrace every part of them, both the good and the not so good. It's not something that you go looking for, quite the opposite actually, it's something that finds you unexpectedly. And when it's said that love hurts, that's the truth, but in the same breath it's also one of the most amazing things to share with another! I had a small glimps of this and hope that someday way way down the road to have it find me again, as for now I just need to make it through to the next step in my life.

[Boredmarriedlover]

There are all different degrees and forms of love, and sure guess it's possible to fall out of some types of love, it's defined differently for everyone. Admitedly I have never been "in" love with my husband. He was safe, knew he'd probably never stray, didn't think he'd ever hurt me, and I thought his love for me was strong enough to carry us both. But I was wrong, we failed and hurt each other in so many ways over the years that sometimes it's unimaginable. I have so much guilt over how things are ending because I really didn't think all that through at the begining & for the past 10 years who knows, we both could have been sharing in what we are both deserving of, instead of this mess. But you know what they say about hindsight!?!!

With all that being said, I do believe that there is one form of love that never leaves your heart no matter the time, distance and space that may be between you. It remains there even if the relationship has faultered, you still ache for them even when you are no longer "one". It's that soulful, unquestioned, sometimes painful, unwavering, undeniable, adoration of another. You can become angry and upset, yet at the same time you still love them and embrace every part of them, both the good and the not so good. It's not something that you go looking for, quite the opposite actually, it's something that finds you unexpectedly. And when it's said that love hurts, that's the truth, but in the same breath it's also one of the most amazing things to share with another! I had a small glimps of this and hope that someday way way down the road to have it find me again, as for now I just need to make it through to the next step in my life.

I really, really, really hope you get that wonderful relationship. Don't ever give up on it.

[My_Secrets_Kept]

I really, really, really hope you get that wonderful relationship. Don't ever give up on it.


Thank you hon :kk

[Boredmarriedlover]

A woman that can express her emotions so beautifully deserves a true love, kid. The man that finally gets to feel those emotions through your touch or your eyes, well, that should be one lucky dude.

[lovlyness2me]

I love my husband,but feel i would be happier alone.He does not communicat with me anymore.I want to be around him and touch him but it seems he is tense and irratated by me.We have sex 1time a week.He is not like he used to be.I love him but i dont feel as in love with him like i used to.

[mower]

I am currently In Love with my Wife , However after 16 + yrs of what I thought had been a good relationship she says she's unhappy, she thinks that I am full of hatred ( had back surgery 10+ yrs ago and it has effected family life in a lot of ways and intimate time in ways that are at the very least frustrating) that I have given up on everything, the list goes on and on.
She had a hysterectemy back in the earlier part of the year and has been changing ever since, she never went out to the bars, and clubs before this, coming home snookered, that is if she comes home at all, has been known to go to the bar after work and then I have to call around trying to locate her, only to recieve a phone call the next morning that she passed out on ( His ) couch. Needless to say it has made me suspisious ( sorry for spelling mistakes).
So can you fall out of Love ? I am assuming that you can but it takes a lot of effort to stay in love and a willingness to talk and give the opportunity for the changes to take place and not expect overnight instantainious radical behavior change I guess.

Mower

[Boredmarriedlover]

I love my husband,but feel i would be happier alone.He does not communicat with me anymore.I want to be around him and touch him but it seems he is tense and irratated by me.We have sex 1time a week.He is not like he used to be.I love him but i dont feel as in love with him like i used to.

1 time a week is not that bad, believe me, it can get a whole lot worse.
He doesn't communicate, but do you? Sometimes the fire suddenly disappears, and one has to start it back up. Romance, passion, excitment, are hard to carry around everywhere we go.

Talking, being patient, being imaginative and even being sexy, all can help straighten things back

[scoobertina]

There are all different degrees and forms of love, and sure guess it's possible to fall out of some types of love, it's defined differently for everyone. Admitedly I have never been "in" love with my husband. He was safe, knew he'd probably never stray, didn't think he'd ever hurt me, and I thought his love for me was strong enough to carry us both. But I was wrong, we failed and hurt each other in so many ways over the years that sometimes it's unimaginable. I have so much guilt over how things are ending because I really didn't think all that through at the begining & for the past 10 years who knows, we both could have been sharing in what we are both deserving of, instead of this mess. But you know what they say about hindsight!?!!

With all that being said, I do believe that there is one form of love that never leaves your heart no matter the time, distance and space that may be between you. It remains there even if the relationship has faultered, you still ache for them even when you are no longer "one". It's that soulful, unquestioned, sometimes painful, unwavering, undeniable, adoration of another. You can become angry and upset, yet at the same time you still love them and embrace every part of them, both the good and the not so good. It's not something that you go looking for, quite the opposite actually, it's something that finds you unexpectedly. And when it's said that love hurts, that's the truth, but in the same breath it's also one of the most amazing things to share with another! I had a small glimps of this and hope that someday way way down the road to have it find me again, as for now I just need to make it through to the next step in my life.


OMG.... yep, very well put sweetie.. I concur.. I also have had a small glimpse of what you describe... and yes, one day when I am ready - the "one" will walk through my door and sweep me off my feet... LOL...

[simplygrace]

nope havent fallen out of love....at least i dont think so

[MIGHTY]

I think there are defining moments in and out of love. You remember those moments, those are the ones that stick with you.......the times in which were some of the happiest moments you have ever had, and the times in which were the most devistating as well.

With the hubby........being in love..........

1. The day I proposed to him on the riverfront.

2. The day I had my son, and on my deathbed, he would come and show me pictures just so I could feel the joy that he was feeling.

3. The night we spent at the hotel room. He came to meet me there...we were both soo nervous.....like highschool sweethearts about to lose our virginity....that spark......

Out of love.......

1. The devistation I felt when he told me had had not been in love with me in over a year.....and me believing we were ok.

2. The loss of passion and the inability for him to touch me in a passionate way any longer.

3. The last time we made love.....or he made love to me. And, on the following day him telling me that he merely wanted to get laid, with a grin on his face as I stood there and sobbed in front of him.

There are defining moments in our lives that make us stand back and reflect on what is really going on with ourselves and our relationship. These are just examples of how I knew I was in love, and how I knew he was no longer. The incidents that have occured over time have begun to hurt less and less. It went from him ripping my heart out time after time to me feeling a slight tug in the end. That is how I knew I was no longer in love with him.....because I could deal with the pain......and his actions didn't devistate me any longer.