Why do we hurt the ones we love?

[spare_change]

Originally Posted by peaches
Sometimes we can't help hurting the ones closest to us, it is part of human nature, unfortuantly. All we can do is make it better and don't repeat our mistakes. I feel you are a true person who can do that. So go get her and make it right...


Why is that? Why do we hurt the ones we least want to hurt?

Is it because they have lowered their defenses, become vulnerable to us, thus making it easier for us to hurt them even if we didn't intend to?

Is it because sometimes, we just have to lash out and hurt somebody?

Is it because they are the ones, more than anybody else, who are supposed to understand when we're hurting, and their indifference is doubly painful?

Is it because they are the only people we turn to and show them how much we are hurting, and when they don't give us the curing balm, we become angry?

Or -- is it just because, sometimes, they just piss us off?

[speed_raycer]

all of the above



Why is that? Why do we hurt the ones we least want to hurt?

Is it because they have lowered their defenses, become vulnerable to us, thus making it easier for us to hurt them even if we didn't intend to?

Is it because sometimes, we just have to lash out and hurt somebody?

Is it because they are the ones, more than anybody else, who are supposed to understand when we're hurting, and their indifference is doubly painful?

Is it because they are the only people we turn to and show them how much we are hurting, and when they don't give us the curing balm, we become angry?

Or -- is it just because, sometimes, they just piss us off?

[DoratheExplorer]

We know their weak points and their vulnerabilities. We also know which buttons to push. Sometimes it makes us feel better when we tear someone else down and show they are sometimes below or beneath us.

It seems that we sometimes take our anger out on them when it is someone or something else that bothers us. It's hard for me to remember that when I'm angry to acknowledge that to my spouse instead of taking it out on him.

[spare_change]

We know their weak points and their vulnerabilities. We also know which buttons to push. Sometimes it makes us feel better when we tear someone else down and show they are sometimes below or beneath us.

It seems that we sometimes take our anger out on them when it is someone or something else that bothers us. It's hard for me to remember that when I'm angry to acknowledge that to my spouse instead of taking it out on him.


Very nice!

Do you make it up to him? Apologize? Does he ever figure out what hit him, and it wasn't his fault?

[DoratheExplorer]

I usually apologize. He can't help it if I'm pissed off about something else. I think that comes with the marital territory - knowing when someone is being crabby towards you since you are the closest thing around but they are irritated about something else ... you have to know when it is you or when it is something else (illness, bad day at work, shitty drivers, etc)

Now if HE is the one pissing me off ... well that's another story.

[spare_change]

I usually apologize. He can't help it if I'm pissed off about something else. I think that comes with the marital territory - knowing when someone is being crabby towards you since you are the closest thing around but they are irritated about something else ... you have to know when it is you or when it is something else (illness, bad day at work, shitty drivers, etc)

Now if HE is the one pissing me off ... well that's another story.


I think you give men wayyyy too much credit. We spend half our lives wondering what you're pissed off about now, and we dont' have a clue that it's somebody else. We just figure it's all our fault -- even if we don't know why.

If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.

[DoratheExplorer]

Well I think guys should have a check list of things they might have screwed up on:

1) Birthday, anniversary, half-birthday, first day you met, first day you kissed, blah blah blah

2) New dress, new hair cut, new perfume

3) Extraordinary efforts like having your car detailed, scrubbing grass stains out of your uni, taking the garbage out in the pouring rain - and not getting any thanks

4) Ignoring her when she shows you what she bought OR refusing to gush over her financial savvy when she indicates she got a "great" deal on something and saved "x" amount of dollars

5) Failing to give praise when she does something on her own that she would not normally do or takes her out of her comfort zone

6) Forgetting to do something you promised you'd do and she's nagged you to death about it

7) Doing things that you have forgotton about but she takes as a huge offense (toilet seat up, not putting toilet paper on the roll holder, etc)

What else have I forgotton?

Once you've gone down the list and you've crossed off 1-7 (and everyone else's suggestions) then it's time to ask her what you did wrong so you can add it to your list.

I bet some of our older, more established gentleman have a list a mile long (and still growing!!) :55

[spare_change]

Well I think guys should have a check list of things they might have screwed up on:

1) Birthday, anniversary, half-birthday, first day you met, first day you kissed, blah blah blah

2) New dress, new hair cut, new perfume

3) Extraordinary efforts like having your car detailed, scrubbing grass stains out of your uni, taking the garbage out in the pouring rain - and not getting any thanks

4) Ignoring her when she shows you what she bought OR refusing to gush over her financial savvy when she indicates she got a "great" deal on something and saved "x" amount of dollars

5) Failing to give praise when she does something on her own that she would not normally do or takes her out of her comfort zone

6) Forgetting to do something you promised you'd do and she's nagged you to death about it

7) Doing things that you have forgotton about but she takes as a huge offense (toilet seat up, not putting toilet paper on the roll holder, etc)

What else have I forgotton?

Once you've gone down the list and you've crossed off 1-7 (and everyone else's suggestions) then it's time to ask her what you did wrong so you can add it to your list.

I bet some of our older, more established gentleman have a list a mile long (and still growing!!) :55



And, where is the ladies' list? Or, are they immune?

[DoratheExplorer]

The Women's Screw Up checklist:

1) Forgetting to do basic car maintenance like oil change, not taking car to dealership if service light comes on, failing to mention odd noises and ignoring them by turning the radio up

2) Doing household repairs without doing basic items like turning power off, water off, etc

3) Trying to fix something on their own and REALLY screwing it up

4) Doing something we said we wouldn't do

5) Lying about how much money we spent on something

6) Rationalizing any purchase as a necessity or good deal (even when our logic points to irrationality or a "want" instead of a "need")

7) Picking a fight at inopportune times (fav tv show, 9th inning of a game [or 4th quarter], in the car while you're lost)

8) Pulling out of our iron-clad minds some unjustice you did 5-10-15-20 years ago and reminding you of it for the umpteenth time

Do I need more? :D

[Dsparate Hswife]

Why is that? Why do we hurt the ones we least want to hurt?

Is it because they have lowered their defenses, become vulnerable to us, thus making it easier for us to hurt them even if we didn't intend to?

Is it because sometimes, we just have to lash out and hurt somebody?

Is it because they are the ones, more than anybody else, who are supposed to understand when we're hurting, and their indifference is doubly painful?

Is it because they are the only people we turn to and show them how much we are hurting, and when they don't give us the curing balm, we become angry?

Or -- is it just because, sometimes, they just piss us off?


I think it is because we feel safe with them...at least on some level.

[pointofnoreturn]

Spare, I am going to have to go with he pissed me off....again..

[spare_change]

I think it is because we feel safe with them...at least on some level.

But, do we lash out at him/her because we just have to let off steam, and we know, in our hearts, that they will forgive us, even though it wasn't their fault? Do we use them as our whipping boy?

[p.J]

Why is that? Why do we hurt the ones we least want to hurt?

Is it because they have lowered their defenses, become vulnerable to us, thus making it easier for us to hurt them even if we didn't intend to?

Is it because sometimes, we just have to lash out and hurt somebody?

Is it because they are the ones, more than anybody else, who are supposed to understand when we're hurting, and their indifference is doubly painful?

Is it because they are the only people we turn to and show them how much we are hurting, and when they don't give us the curing balm, we become angry?

Or -- is it just because, sometimes, they just piss us off?

You know I've asked myself the same question. I think some people don't really realise that their actions might hurt someones feelings, some people are so afraid of getting hurt that they push the ones that they really care about in fear of getting too close, intentionally or not. Or perhaps it just a case of them taking their partners love and acceptance for granted.

[Jy]

I think we hurt those closest to us because we're more ourselves around them.
We all have good qualities and not-so-admirable traits that we don't advertise to the world at large. We're on our best behavior usually when dealing with co-workers, clients, even the checkout clerk at the grocery store.
With our loved ones, we let our guard down, we don't edit ourselves like we do with our boss, for instance. We tend to blurt out whatever we're thinking or feeling without worrying about tempering it with diplomacy or tact sometimes.
The other reason we tend to hurt the ones we love is simply because they care more. If we tell the driver who cut us off to bugger off, they're not going to be nearly as hurt as if we said that to our partner, because they don't know us let alone think the world of us.

[dartgirl]

I've always heard it said that you are worse to those who love you because you know that they will forgive you and know that you really didn't mean it. Sometimes though it would be nice if you didn't have to be the family whipping post though, it really starting to hurt.

[Missy38]

Totally all of the above!!QUOTE=speed_raycer]all of the above[/QUOTE]

[mrh50]

a good question i really don't know but we do it all the time.

Totally all of the above!!QUOTE=speed_raycer]all of the above[/QUOTE]

[Jy]

Sorry, Dora. I had to jump in here, because I think these are just the kinds of things some women get hung up on that can destroy a perfectly good marriage, but shouldn't...Well I think guys should have a check list of things they might have screwed up on:

1) Birthday, anniversary, half-birthday, first day you met, first day you kissed, blah blah blah Don't wait around for him to remember. Mark the calendar. Heck, I don't even remember those days unless I write them down! If you want to celebrate them, better make sure he knows when they are.

2) New dress, new hair cut, new perfume This stuff is crazy-making. He won't notice. Ever. That doesn't mean he doesn't think you're pretty. It means they don't think about the details, just the whole package. Focus on what he does notice. A slap on the ass as you pass each other in the hallway speaks volumes.

3) Extraordinary efforts like having your car detailed, scrubbing grass stains out of your uni, taking the garbage out in the pouring rain - and not getting any thanks Those are the kinds of things we do for each other that just go by unnoticed. I've found the more I thank HIM for the little things, the more thanks I GET. Try it.

4) Ignoring her when she shows you what she bought OR refusing to gush over her financial savvy when she indicates she got a "great" deal on something and saved "x" amount of dollars See #2.

5) Failing to give praise when she does something on her own that she would not normally do or takes her out of her comfort zone Again, see #2

6) Forgetting to do something you promised you'd do and she's nagged you to death about it I've found men automatically shut off the moment you start nagging. I think their hearing is directly affected by the decibel or pitch of a woman's voice.

7) Doing things that you have forgotton about but she takes as a huge offense (toilet seat up, not putting toilet paper on the roll holder, etc) Pick your battles sister. He's been doing it that way all his life.

What else have I forgotton? That he's human, just like you. People make mistakes. But depending on his praise and recognition will only set you up for disappointment. Try and focus on his good points and give yourself a pat on the back when you find that sale. You'll be alot happier in the long run.

Once you've gone down the list and you've crossed off 1-7 (and everyone else's suggestions) then it's time to ask her what you did wrong so you can add it to your list.

I bet some of our older, more established gentleman have a list a mile long (and still growing!!) :55

[Jy]

I figured I'd better comment on this list, just to be fair...The Women's Screw Up checklist:

1) Forgetting to do basic car maintenance like oil change, not taking car to dealership if service light comes on, failing to mention odd noises and ignoring them by turning the radio up There's no excuse in this day and age for a woman not to take care of the basic maintenance on her car. But hubby shouldn't sweat it. If the car breaks down, it's her fault. He shouldn't feel obligated to check up on this.

2) Doing household repairs without doing basic items like turning power off, water off, etc That's just dangerous. Not something I've done either. I'm the fastidious one.

3) Trying to fix something on their own and REALLY screwing it up Everyone does that though. That's why the service industry gets to charge so much- because they're always correcting our screw-ups!

4) Doing something we said we wouldn't do I don't do that.

5) Lying about how much money we spent on something I don't do that either.

6) Rationalizing any purchase as a necessity or good deal (even when our logic points to irrationality or a "want" instead of a "need") Nope

7) Picking a fight at inopportune times (fav tv show, 9th inning of a game [or 4th quarter], in the car while you're lost) Do women really do that? I don't.

8) Pulling out of our iron-clad minds some unjustice you did 5-10-15-20 years ago and reminding you of it for the umpteenth time Now THAT'S just unfair. Who does that??

Do I need more? :D
Yes, you do need more, because most of the ones you listed don't apply to me. Yes, I have my annoying habits, just like everyone, but not those.

[Jy]

No, I'm not zoning in on Dora - she's brought up issues that many people have mentioned in the past.

My question is, why do we focus on all those niggling details?? Why sweat the small stuff? Bickering about the toilet seat and the garbage will erode a marriage faster than anything else. I think we have to let those things slide. Pick your battles, and make sure they're about something worth discussing.

[yaser]

I think it is because we feel safe with them...at least on some level.
I agree with you Dsparate, we prefer the ones we hurt or to be hurt because we know those kind of behaviors and find them safer...But later we find out that we need nicer behaviors and be ambivalnet to leave our old patrners.

[Dsparate Hswife]

Nothing is ever about the toilet seat or garbage. I think what Dora is trying to say is, "Show me some respect," "show me you care and appreciate me and the things I do." We just pick the toilet seat, etc. because men tend to need examples of things they can do. They are more concrete thinkers. So...when women say "Honey do" and men don't follow through, we translate it as they don't care and respect me.

[thickitalian]

Damn...I could get into this thread all night long....but I'm not certain if there are any easy and clear cut reasons or answers that we sometimes look for...it's a two way street and for every nag and brow beating one of us take...there may or may not be good reason for it...but...once again...all we have are our sides of the story as we discuss it...no one here has lived with us for a number of years and knows what really went down and how things have built up over a period of time...that is why there are no clear cut or specific reasons..there are many.


I have decided to look for the respect factor and if one spouse is no longer respectful of the other or is no longer affectionate...that is where my line is drawn. I do try to talk it over but at that point in time the reasoning on the upset spouse tends to be no reasoning at all...

Let's face it...both spouses have a high opinion about themselves, especially when they are slighted or their self respect is verbally assaulted. This is where the craziness starts as both play on each others weaknesses to make a point that they feel is needed but never heard.

Marriage is a beautiful thing and like any beautiful thing in life...it takes a lot of work at times to enjoy it. There are many reasons for marriage issues and some of them are beyond anyone's control...such as physical or mental illness, or people getting married when they have no business to...physical appearance love is not a good enough reason to get married. Unfortunately many also marry at a young age...an age when we are vulnerable to immaturity and excitement...instead of having the patience and ability to think ahead. Sometimes these marriages work out but many of them fail..and all the talk in the world will not make it any better....but we protect our children...don't we?

My thoughts....

[Jy]

You're right, DH. It's about respect. But too often we expect it from our partners without extending them the respect they deserve. We want this and that, but are we willing to do the same? What about the annoying habits we have. I just think we focus too much on what our spouses are doing wrong and not what they're doing right. And perhaps we should look at our own shortcomings before we point fingers. It's so easy to find fault with the other person. Firstly we should take a look in the mirror and try and figure out our own constribution to the problems.

Like the old saying goes - you can't change others, you can only change how you handle yourself around them.

Nothing is ever about the toilet seat or garbage. I think what Dora is trying to say is, "Show me some respect," "show me you care and appreciate me and the things I do." We just pick the toilet seat, etc. because men tend to need examples of things they can do. They are more concrete thinkers. So...when women say "Honey do" and men don't follow through, we translate it as they don't care and respect me.

[Wil]

Because were not honest with ourselves....honest with our own fears..we tend to blame others for our own inadequacies...unfortunetly, the ones closest to us are effected...

[yaser]

I wonder if want the loved ones to be perfect.Otherwise we get mad.

[UltimateNaneki]

The question is ' why do we hurt the ones we love?'

Well the one I love is myself, someone has too...And I know that I have hurt myself several time if not more, and why is that? Because I will always forgive. I'm my best friend and worse enemy. But at least I know what I'm capable of. I know I can love and be loved and I can take risked and always be there if I fail. I have been let down by far too many people that have tried to take away the very essence of me. They have failed and I'm still strong.
So sure I hurt the one I love....but I can heal those wounds too.

[OICurready4me]

Well I think guys should have a check list of things they might have screwed up on:

1) Birthday, anniversary, half-birthday, first day you met, first day you kissed, blah blah blah Other than your birthday and anniversary... (and those things can be a gamble at times) we dont remember this stuff. Now ask us what day the Red Sox won the World Series or who was the MVP of Super Bowl 39, now you have something!

2) New dress, new hair cut, new perfume Do you think you look good and smell good! That's all that matters to us. If your happy we are happy. Why ask or wait for us to notice, we don't do that!

3) Extraordinary efforts like having your car detailed, scrubbing grass stains out of your uni, taking the garbage out in the pouring rain - and not getting any thanks I take out the trash, regardless. I wash her car or take it to the car wash, vaccuum it out, clean the crap out of it. I actually take better care of her car than my own. I make a point to use Spray n wash on my clothes before putting them in the hame and many times do the laundry to make sure that the stains don't set in. I thank her for anything she does for me.

4) Ignoring her when she shows you what she bought OR refusing to gush over her financial savvy when she indicates she got a "great" deal on something and saved "x" amount of dollars
Financial savvy? Going to a store and buying your 60th pair of shoes for $50 and saying you saved $30 because they were on sale? Please

5) Failing to give praise when she does something on her own that she would not normally do or takes her out of her comfort zone I have had an issue with this for a long time since my wife almost never does things she is not comfortable with so I applaud her all the time for at least trying and is she actually accomplishes what she sets out to do, I tell her how proud of her I am!!

6) Forgetting to do something you promised you'd do and she's nagged you to death about it
Did you ever think...nagging gets you no where? Us men do things on OUR schedule, not yours. Realize it and live with it, it's not going away. We know how much time it takes and believe it or not, it probably not nearly as important as you think it is.
7) Doing things that you have forgotton about but she takes as a huge offense (toilet seat up, not putting toilet paper on the roll holder, etc) I put the lid down anyway so we both have to lift regardless. I always put the paper on the roll, thats a pet peeve of mine.

What else have I forgotton? Women forget? Come on now...it will come back to you the next time we fight...along with the last 15 years of things that we did wrong (in your eyes).

Once you've gone down the list and you've crossed off 1-7 (and everyone else's suggestions) then it's time to ask her what you did wrong so you can add it to your list.

I bet some of our older, more established gentleman have a list a mile long (and still growing!!) :55,

[spare_change]

Well I think guys should have a check list of things they might have screwed up on:

1) Birthday, anniversary, half-birthday, first day you met, first day you kissed, blah blah blah

2) New dress, new hair cut, new perfume

3) Extraordinary efforts like having your car detailed, scrubbing grass stains out of your uni, taking the garbage out in the pouring rain - and not getting any thanks

4) Ignoring her when she shows you what she bought OR refusing to gush over her financial savvy when she indicates she got a "great" deal on something and saved "x" amount of dollars

5) Failing to give praise when she does something on her own that she would not normally do or takes her out of her comfort zone

6) Forgetting to do something you promised you'd do and she's nagged you to death about it

7) Doing things that you have forgotton about but she takes as a huge offense (toilet seat up, not putting toilet paper on the roll holder, etc)

What else have I forgotton?

Once you've gone down the list and you've crossed off 1-7 (and everyone else's suggestions) then it's time to ask her what you did wrong so you can add it to your list.

I bet some of our older, more established gentleman have a list a mile long (and still growing!!) :55


Actually, most older men have a real short list:

1) Aw, fuck it -- she'll just find something else to bitch about anyway.

[missgrace]

I think it becomes a habit cause they are the closest to us. How sad.

[Jy]

And excellent point, Wil. It's much easier to point a finger at someone else, and very convenient to choose the one closest to us.

It's far more painful and humbling to look in the mirror and be honest with ourselves.
It's a shame too, because you can only fully accept and love yourself if you can see your faults and your good points.
Because were not honest with ourselves....honest with our own fears..we tend to blame others for our own inadequacies...unfortunetly, the ones closest to us are effected...

[Jy]

Absolutely! We pick at them, nag them, criticize them, all the while we're picking away at everything sacred and special about them!

Imagine how much more peaceful marriage would be be if we simply accepted our partners just as they are.

I wonder if want the loved ones to be perfect.Otherwise we get mad.

[Gray451]

I try not to hurt her..but she has hurt me...physicaly and mentally...guess sometimes everyone gets hurt...but then again we can only do our best can't we?

[rickingeorgia]

Why is that? Why do we hurt the ones we least want to hurt?

Is it because they have lowered their defenses, become vulnerable to us, thus making it easier for us to hurt them even if we didn't intend to?

Is it because sometimes, we just have to lash out and hurt somebody?

Is it because they are the ones, more than anybody else, who are supposed to understand when we're hurting, and their indifference is doubly painful?

Is it because they are the only people we turn to and show them how much we are hurting, and when they don't give us the curing balm, we become angry?

Or -- is it just because, sometimes, they just piss us off?

I had a response for this but you nailed it. Well said.

[RedVixen]

I think we hurt the ones we love, because it's so easy to push one another's buttons. Sometimes it's just because it's our partner that is standing in front of us at the time and we feel justified in letting them 'have it'.

I've been guilty of doing that a few times, but when your partner keeps neglecting you and/or putting you down, pushes your buttons all the time - eventually something's gotta give.

[sawflyman]

when we are in love we let our guards down. from time to time we can be hurt by words or even physically

[cheerymissy_34]

maybe because we think they will always be there for us no matter what we do to them

[chasezee]

Well it is mostly cause I am stupid, I don't wanna hurt her.

[Boredmarriedlover]

because when we are down, and lonely, and tired, and confused, they are there, ready to take in all our anger and frustration. and hopefully we are there for them when they have they bad moments too. not an excuse but maybe that is why.

[chasezee]

that has a ring of truth to it Bored i wish it was so though

[WaGuy]

Or is it that they hurt us first and you can only forgive so much?
Sometimes people only see what's going on if it's happening to them...