Finding Out Husband was in Cybersex?

[TalithaRisen]

:cry:

I just found out definitively that my husband had cybersex with this female back in January - March timeframe.

We were in his office and the email popped up with this girls name - Stacy. On his birthday nonetheless. Guess what? He got no gift or card...

Anyway...I confronted him today about it and he told me he was the victim because I don't trust him.

Those emails I printed out say I am the victim....

Has anybody ever dealt with this before? How did you deal with it?

Sick of MY D*** Husband

[Sneaky]

What did the e.mails say? Was it once or several times?

[cherokeered]

welcome to the site hun...sorry to see ur hurt.....:wa:

[TalithaRisen]

They they had attraction - they both play boker on Bodog. They were im'ing each other sexual innuendos and stuff. He broke down and told her he was married and then she "fesses up" and says she's married with 3 kids.

He told her that he wasn't going to go out like that with her and that maybe they should cut things off. But they kept in touch anyway.

He has no idea how much I know ... but after I printed the emails I sent them to my father's house for safekeeping just in case. And if my Dad wants to know what kind of son-in-law he has, he's welcome to read the emails.

[TalithaRisen]

Oh ye...I have emails from Feb 07 to this past Wednesday

[Sneaky]

It sounds like he tried to fight her off for awhile. I dunno. Sorry you are dealing with this.

[RedHotPisces]

:wa: hello talitharisen...welcome :wa:



:cry:

I just found out definitively that my husband had cybersex with this female back in January - March timeframe.

We were in his office and the email popped up with this girls name - Stacy. On his birthday nonetheless. Guess what? He got no gift or card...

Anyway...I confronted him today about it and he told me he was the victim because I don't trust him.

Those emails I printed out say I am the victim....

Has anybody ever dealt with this before? How did you deal with it?

Sick of MY D*** Husband

[TalithaRisen]

I'm sorry too. We haven't been married long...it happened when we had a disagreement. I guess he sought solace in someone else's virtual arms.

I am just so crushed and hurt and scared...

[TalithaRisen]

thanks for the welcome redhostpisces

[Darktiger69]

Belive me this has happened to me with my fiancee now. He says he likes to get on theese sites and read stories. He loves to read books and I knew that going in to this. I have never felt so low when I found out he was telling another woman he loved her and wanted to leave me just so she would continue to talk dirty to him online. I know exactly what you are going thru. I am still with him because I love him and I am trying to help him get away from it.

[RedHotPisces]

:wa: hello darktiger...welcome :wa:



Belive me this has happened to me with my fiancee now. He says he likes to get on theese sites and read stories. He loves to read books and I knew that going in to this. I have never felt so low when I found out he was telling another woman he loved her and wanted to leave me just so she would continue to talk dirty to him online. I know exactly what you are going thru. I am still with him because I love him and I am trying to help him get away from it.

[hoss]

:cry:

I just found out definitively that my husband had cybersex with this female back in January - March timeframe.

We were in his office and the email popped up with this girls name - Stacy. On his birthday nonetheless. Guess what? He got no gift or card...

Anyway...I confronted him today about it and he told me he was the victim because I don't trust him.

Those emails I printed out say I am the victim....

Has anybody ever dealt with this before? How did you deal with it?

Sick of MY D*** Husband


Welcome to the site ....

I cyber online ,i talk dirty online..my wife knows about it ...its tantialzing and erotic ...its naughty and its fun ...BUT ...it doesnt mean i want to leave my wife or that i love her any less ...for me it makes me more horny ...I'm sorry that u have been hurt by your husbands actions ,and of course if he really cared for u ,he would stop because u dont like it ...

Sit him down and tell him ,how it makes u feel ,how hurt u are by it ,then go from there ...trust is a big thing ...once broken its hard to earn back ...

[spare_change]

They they had attraction - they both play boker on Bodog. They were im'ing each other sexual innuendos and stuff. He broke down and told her he was married and then she "fesses up" and says she's married with 3 kids.

He told her that he wasn't going to go out like that with her and that maybe they should cut things off. But they kept in touch anyway.

He has no idea how much I know ... but after I printed the emails I sent them to my father's house for safekeeping just in case. And if my Dad wants to know what kind of son-in-law he has, he's welcome to read the emails.


WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Back the truck up! You sent them to your dad's house? What the hell is he involved for? He's not married to your husband -- it's none of his business. How could you do that?

If you have accurately characterized the emails you saw, nothing has happened between them, other than some sexy flirting, right? Obviously, they haven't met in real life, and from what you say, I presume they haven't had cybersex -- just being sexy and flirty right now.

Actually, it sounds like your hubby was backing away from it -- there's nothing wrong with a little flirting, a little kidding around ..... as long as it doesn't go any further. There's nothing wrong with a little attraction -- hell, men are attracted to different women a hundred times a day. It doesn't mean they are going to run away to Tahiti with them.

Sounds like you should cut the guy some slack -- don't be in such a hurry to be a victim. Y'all might try a little communication. It sounds like both of you are playing the "woe is me" card, and not listening to the other. Stop -- sit down -- and talk to each other.

[UltimateNaneki]

He has no idea how much I know ... but after I printed the emails I sent them to my father's house for safekeeping just in case. And if my Dad wants to know what kind of son-in-law he has, he's welcome to read the emails.

Do you know that circle rule???
Take a piece of paper and start with a small circle, then a larger one around that first one, and another circle around that one and two more...
Now in the small circle it's you and your hubby, then the next is for the kids, the next parents, and friends and last co-workers.
Now each circle is definate.No cross overs. You and your hubby are the only ones that can fix your problems. No one else, if they try to interfer they must be told to butt out. You invited your father into a situation that doesn't involve him. You should be able to solve your own problems, parents are there to listen and to bounce ideas off, not to solve YOUR marriage problems, that is yours and your hubbys job.
You should retreave those e-mails and apologize to your dad for placing him in that akward position!

[spare_change]

Do you know that circle rule???
Take a piece of paper and start with a small circle, then a larger one around that first one, and another circle around that one and two more...
Now in the small circle it's you and your hubby, then the next is for the kids, the next parents, and friends and last co-workers.
Now each circle is definate.No cross overs. You and your hubby are the only ones that can fix your problems. No one else, if they try to interfer they must be told to butt out. You invited your father into a situation that doesn't involve him. You should be able to solve your own problems, parents are there to listen and to bounce ideas off, not to solve YOUR marriage problems, that is yours and your hubbys job.
You should retreave those e-mails and apologize to your dad for placing him in that akward position!


VERY well put, Ulti -- I had never heard the circle analogy, but it is dead on! Well done!

[Cotties]

Having had affairs and cyber affairs.....I got to tell you I find them personally two totally diiferent things. :cry:

I just found out definitively that my husband had cybersex with this female back in January - March timeframe.

We were in his office and the email popped up with this girls name - Stacy. On his birthday nonetheless. Guess what? He got no gift or card...

Anyway...I confronted him today about it and he told me he was the victim because I don't trust him.

Those emails I printed out say I am the victim....

Has anybody ever dealt with this before? How did you deal with it?

Sick of MY D*** Husband

[TalithaRisen]

I thought about not involving my Dad at first yes b/c I agree marriage is between 2 people. But it was eating me alive to know is a cheat and liar. My dad is my best friend in this whole world; he's had my back when I had nothing even into adulthood. And I've been with him through sicknesses.

They did have cybersex on Yahoo IM back in early 2007 and God knows when else.

I spoke to my Dad after sending him the emals and he said that he wanted to read and he didn't want to read them. It just hurt him to see me so hurt. But he did tell me that I need to get my house in order. Thicken my skin and harden my feelings to this man. And if the notion comes to you, leave him and God willing, find someone else.

It's crossed my mind I tell you. He lied to me ya'll. I would much rather had him tell me the truth instead of hollering and arguing with me about this woman. She's married with 3 kids (or so she says) and hangs out in Atlantic City sometimes with her "husband". My husband goes to Atlantic City with his best friend sometimes and sometimes with me. Who knows what he's doing when goes without me?

But I can't worry myself about that b/c it's too painful to fathom. Right now I'm in the process of washing clothes, and packing my stuff up for a storage unit down near my Dad.

My father - almost 70 now - from reading the little bit of emals thinks it's was more than just curiosity. But that this situation will pass. I wish I could be so sure that he would dump this tart but b/c he was so sneaky about the whole thing, I can never trust him again ever.

He's a lying, cheating, snake in the grass who will get what he deserves whether it be in court or in life.

[TalithaRisen]

In response to those who mentioned us talking about, I tried that. I had invited him out to dinner or to the park to talk, but he was suspicious about it. So we ended up talking on the phone. He was SO ANGRY (or so guilty...not sure which).

He felt that I should have kept my mouth shut about the situation, that I need to see a counselor for my trust issues and insecurity. Then after all that he tried to justify his relationship with her by explaining what he does with her online. He failed to mention the cybersex. By now, he has got to know that I know what he did.

[MCat]

Belive me this has happened to me with my fiancee now. He says he likes to get on theese sites and read stories. He loves to read books and I knew that going in to this. I have never felt so low when I found out he was telling another woman he loved her and wanted to leave me just so she would continue to talk dirty to him online. I know exactly what you are going thru. I am still with him because I love him and I am trying to help him get away from it.

Welcome Talitha and Dark....:wa:

So you are trying to help your husband get away from this??? So you join a married and flirting site? I don't quite understand that part. I am here because I am married and want to flirt...My husband is here with me.

Just wondering how you think joining the site will help you stop him....I'm just curious about your thinking....

Again...welcome, I hope you find what you need here. We will help if we can. :sg

[aviatorspirit69]

Do you know that circle rule???
Take a piece of paper and start with a small circle, then a larger one around that first one, and another circle around that one and two more...
Now in the small circle it's you and your hubby, then the next is for the kids, the next parents, and friends and last co-workers.
Now each circle is definate.No cross overs. You and your hubby are the only ones that can fix your problems. No one else, if they try to interfer they must be told to butt out. You invited your father into a situation that doesn't involve him. You should be able to solve your own problems, parents are there to listen and to bounce ideas off, not to solve YOUR marriage problems, that is yours and your hubbys job.
You should retreave those e-mails and apologize to your dad for placing him in that akward position!

Sorry for the hurt, but Naneki is dead on with the circle thing. :(

Your Aviator

[TalithaRisen]

I joined this site b/c I read that people don't just flirt on here but they also talk about marital issues of note. So far that article was right. I'm not here to flirt with other people despite my thinking that I need to leave my husband, I'm not divorced yet and I cannot go out like that. That's just me.

I'm here to learn from other people who have been thru what I'm going thru or have some insight as to what I should do...

[MCat]

I joined this site b/c I read that people don't just flirt on here but they also talk about marital issues of note. So far that article was right. I'm not here to flirt with other people despite my thinking that I need to leave my husband, I'm not divorced yet and I cannot go out like that. That's just me.

I'm here to learn from other people who have been thru what I'm going thru or have some insight as to what I should do...

Yes mam we do. I'm sure someone here will have been in the same situation as you. Hope you find what you need. :knuddel:

I do think talking is the way to start the ball rolling between you. You might want to find out what sparked his interest in online flirting/sex to start with. Don't get upset with him...just talk it out.

He may want a bit more, maybe something different in your sex life. It doesn't mean he's not happy with you or doesn't love you...just that its time for something different.

Marriages have a way of stalling sometimes, its just the way it is. You both have to be willing to put the spark back, if thats what you want of course. I found that this site, the flirting and chatting with others has put the spark back into my marriage. I have opened myself up to try new things...be more honest with my husband about what I want and what I don't want.
We are enjoying each other more....a lot more :55

[UltimateNaneki]

I'm here to learn from other people who have been thru what I'm going thru or have some insight as to what I should do...

Again, you are getting other people involved into your marriage. I'm not insensitive, but you have to choose for yourself what is best for your marriage. We all have different stories to tell but this is your life. A unique sitiation to you. I will not tell you what to do, you must figure that on your own with your husband.
Remember the circles....we here are the last circle and should never ever be in that tiny circle of husband and wife!

[TalithaRisen]

I hear you. I always thought my husband and I were in a circle of our own and invited outside people in as friends and acquaintances to make our lives even better. I just didn't realize on what level.

I just wish you all could feel the pain I'm going thru online.

I have no problems with putting the spark in. He's mentioned lingerie and me dressing up. And I've done that on occasion when I'm sure I can stay awake from the days work. And it's gotten a good response.

I even talked to him about additional things this past Thursday and he was more than accommodating. I love my husband dearly and he knows that. That's why it hurts so much...

I work really hard at work (lift a lot of heavy equipment for a female) and I'm not perfect but I try my best. I'm as nice as I can be and open to my husband's needs. I don't trip when he goes to strip clubs - he's even taken me.

But looking is one thing...having a long term relationship with someone is something else.

[cherokeered]

Well...the thing is that most people on this site cyber....and most on this site hide it from their spouses.....lets be honest shall we....
most people justify cybering as an outlet to get something they need without cheating....they don't consider it cheating although the unknowing spouse probably would, just like you do.....
I imagine if you read a lot of these threads you might get a common theme throughout here....something is missing from a marriage they no longer feel connected in....
The other thing is...that some people do take it a step farther...and meet someone from the site....sometimes as friends, sometimes as lovers....
The only thing we can say here is for you to talk to him...he is now angry and embarrassed....he got caught with his hand in his pants so to speak....now it is up to you how it goes...he obviously doesn't really want to discuss his behavior and has decided to throw it all back on you as ur fault....but it isn't...free will and all....so simply stated, ask him point blank if he wants to save the marriage or not....it takes two to make one and two to break one hun...
btw...I have met someone online who I plan my future with....and no, my spouse does not know about that or this site....which I guess is really at the heart of this issue....you ddint know about it....

[MCat]

I hear you. I always thought my husband and I were in a circle of our own and invited outside people in as friends and acquaintances to make our lives even better. I just didn't realize on what level. Maybe if you are interested you can join in the online fun with him....would he be interested in that? Doing the online stuff together?

I just wish you all could feel the pain I'm going thru online. We can feel it...I promise we can feel it....it amazing what you can feel in online relationships. The stuff your husband is going through proves what you can feel online.

I have no problems with putting the spark in. He's mentioned lingerie and me dressing up. And I've done that on occasion when I'm sure I can stay awake from the days work. And it's gotten a good response. So you are on the right track with that....good response from him. Making dates is good.

I even talked to him about additional things this past Thursday and he was more than accommodating. I love my husband dearly and he knows that. That's why it hurts so much...Would you still be so hurt if he assures you there is nothing physical....just online fun? He loves you?

I work really hard at work (lift a lot of heavy equipment for a female) and I'm not perfect but I try my best. I'm as nice as I can be and open to my husband's needs. I don't trip when he goes to strip clubs - he's even taken me. I'm sorry you have to work so hard....heavy physical work is hard on a womans body.

But looking is one thing...having a long term relationship with someone is something else. I feel quite close to a few people here, men and woman...and I hope it lasts forever...I love them, they are a big part of my life. It has only enhanced my marriage...listening to everyone elses life troubles has made my husband and I realize how much we still love each other. And that we have to be willing to do what it takes to keep it that way.

I have gone through surgical menopause....it changed everything about my body. I found I need the mental stimulation that this site offers me. The flirting and chatting keeps me ready for sex at the drop of a hat, I love it. Thats what I want to offer my husband at this time in our life.

[TalithaRisen]

If you don't mind me asking, why would he be angry if it's his fault?

[cherokeered]

If you don't mind me asking, why would he be angry if it's his fault?


guilt.....and ya went through his emails...does he know you sent them to ur father?

[MCat]

If you don't mind me asking, why would he be angry if it's his fault?

Its not just his fault....there are two of you in the marriage. You have to share in the reasons that caused him to venture outside your marriage. It takes 2 to make work and it takes 2 to mess it up.

[cherokeered]

Its not just his fault....there are two of you in the marriage. You have to share in the reasons that caused him to venture outside your marriage. It takes 2 to make work and it takes 2 to mess it up.


it most certainly does....:55

[My_Secrets_Kept]

If you don't mind me asking, why would he be angry if it's his fault?

Yep he feels guilty for what he did & I'm sure that he is angry that you went through his personal emails. When one is upset with themselves they tend to project that onto others. And guilty or not, if my hubby went through my personal emails I would be pissed too. Sorry about what you are going through, hopefully both of you can take a step back to regroup & then come together to discuss things in a rational manner.

[TalithaRisen]

I can see why he would be angry that I went through his emails...I guess that why's forbade to even get on his computer anymore - just in case I have more fodder to add to the fire.

He tried to throw questions at me to see how I knew but I wouldn't say. But he knows I know what they did.

But he doesn't know I sent the emails to my father and he doesn't know that I have copies of everying from February 1, 2007 to June 20, 2007. If we were to go before a court of law, these docs will be going with me.

But I'm going to take heed to what everyone said on this thread and to what my Dad said.

No one wants a broken heart; no one. I wouldn't wish that anyone in the world - not even my husband despite his transgressions.

But nevertheless, my heart is broken ya'll it is. If anything I hope to be a lesson to others out on this site who have cyber relationships. Please, be upfront with your spouse about what you're doing. Don't try to hide; most times spouses find out anyway if they don't say.

If it means that you all break up, then maybe it's for the best. Or if it means you all can work out your differences and enjoy your time online like Mcat, hopefully your marriage will be the better for it.

But don't step on the one who loves you and has your back. Don't do it.

[TalithaRisen]

I agree it does take 2. At the time it happened we were just getting over a bad spell in our marriage, esp during Jan - early Mar. But I was determined to make this work so I talked to him to learn more about he feels. And since late March our relationship was going extremely well.

But when I saw that email pop up I felt like a fool. I thought that all the talking and trying different things out wasn't working. It seemed like it was working but...

I won't be going thru anything of his anymore. I don't think my heart can stand anymore pain.

[TalithaRisen]

But I guess considering his anger and guilt he doesn't give a damn about I feel so I need to move...that's a tough decision to make but I guess that's how it goes...

[My_Secrets_Kept]

If you think he's mad now, just wait till he finds out that you sent those emails to your father! You might want to fess up about that now unless you plan on never telling him? If things smooth out between ya'll & he finds out later down the road that you father read all of that, it could open up raw wounds all over again.

[TalithaRisen]

My father told me to send the emails to him. Not to read...but to hold just in case I need them down the road. I admit I encouraged him to learn more about his son-in-law through these emails but I spoke to him this morning and he's not really down with going through them.

My father will have hard feelings toward him regardless though. I'm his youngest daughter and he doesn't like it when people hurt me (emails or no emails).

[cherokeered]

that is gonna be a tough one....will change their relationship...and not for the better.....

[sexntexx]

I have no problems with putting the spark in. He's mentioned lingerie and me dressing up. And I've done that on occasion when I'm sure I can stay awake from the days work. And it's gotten a good response.

I even talked to him about additional things this past Thursday and he was more than accommodating. I love my husband dearly and he knows that. That's why it hurts so much...

OK so you just said that you are open to additional things "maybe online chat together" would be a nice start. Explore some fantasies chatting and see if you find something in you that you didn't know was there.

[TalithaRisen]

I talked to him about that. When he started this relationship with this other woman online, I started playing Second Life. I asked him to join me in Second Life (I know some couples do that) but he told that Poker was his thing. Second Life is mine.

When we talked this past Thursday, I told him I was more than willing to be even more sexually adventurous (just not with multiple partners). His eyes lit up. I meant every word. I enjoyed my time with my husband. He's cute and attractive.

[TalithaRisen]

I knew the relationship between my dad and my husband would not be a good one. He had reservations from the beginning anyway but he thought all in all he was hard working and a nice young man.

[cherokeered]

I talked to him about that. When he started this relationship with this other woman online, I started playing Second Life. I asked him to join me in Second Life (I know some couples do that) but he told that Poker was his thing. Second Life is mine.

When we talked this past Thursday, I told him I was more than willing to be even more sexually adventurous (just not with multiple partners). His eyes lit up. I meant every word. I enjoyed my time with my husband. He's cute and attractive.

Well try it...if you think you can come back from the trust issue....just curious, has he offered any input on what can be done to help the marriage work????
Has he said why he has this online friend???? has he mentioned not ever doing it again or perhaps just being more open about it???

[TalithaRisen]

He hasn't said anything to me for the past couple of days. He just told me that they exchange email on occasion as friends. But he hasn't mentioned not doing it ever again or being more open about it.

Instead he told me that in the future he won't introduce me to any additional friends b/c I'm insecure and have trust issues.

[cherokeered]

He hasn't said anything to me for the past couple of days. He just told me that they exchange email on occasion as friends. But he hasn't mentioned not doing it ever again or being more open about it.

Instead he told me that in the future he won't introduce me to any additional friends b/c I'm insecure and have trust issues.


Oh...interesting response.....lol

[TalithaRisen]

That's what my Dad said...he just told me to say fine and do my own thing.

He thinks it's just window dressing for his guilt and considering the circles we're in, if he shows up too many events minus his wife there are going to be some questions that he won't want to answer. But that's Dad's opinion.

I'm not insecure. We had issues with trust before we got married but that was my fault. I explained that to him and apologized. It was b/c of things that went on in my past.

But this has nothing to do with insecurity and trust issues...not on my part. You know he suggested I see a counselor if I need a stronger opinion my trust issues? If I do, I'm bringing the copies of the emails and see what the counselor says...

[My_Secrets_Kept]

He hasn't said anything to me for the past couple of days. He just told me that they exchange email on occasion as friends. But he hasn't mentioned not doing it ever again or being more open about it.

Instead he told me that in the future he won't introduce me to any additional friends b/c I'm insecure and have trust issues.

huhhh?? what does introducing you to his friends have to do with him chatting online with this girl?

I'd say right now he is going to be defensive about most anything on this subject. He's trying to regroup & probably figure out exactly how much you do know.

[cherokeered]

That's what my Dad said...he just told me to say fine and do my own thing.

He thinks it's just window dressing for his guilt and considering the circles we're in, if he shows up too many events minus his wife there are going to be some questions that he won't want to answer. But that's Dad's opinion.

I'm not insecure. We had issues with trust before we got married but that was my fault. I explained that to him and apologized. It was b/c of things that went on in my past.

But this has nothing to do with insecurity and trust issues...not on my part. You know he suggested I see a counselor if I need a stronger opinion my trust issues? If I do, I'm bringing the copies of the emails and see what the counselor says...

Seems to me.....he has done nothing wrong in his eyes and you are apparently a mess.....lol
People are funny....I can never understand why some people cant accept responsibility for their own actions...and that is what he is doing...not accepting responsibility for his own actions...so he has thrown them on to u....
well hun...ya got decisions to make....he has apparently chosen his path....he isn't changing I guess...so u either accept it or not...

[peaches]

I joined this site b/c I read that people don't just flirt on here but they also talk about marital issues of note. So far that article was right. I'm not here to flirt with other people despite my thinking that I need to leave my husband, I'm not divorced yet and I cannot go out like that. That's just me.

I'm here to learn from other people who have been thru what I'm going thru or have some insight as to what I should do...
I was going to ask the same question as mcat...what are you doing here..but kept reading and found this answer. There are alot of great people here and who can help you, but in the end only you can decide what is best for you. Trust is a big issue and nothing wrong with chatting or flirting, but it can always lead to more, so do be careful. But listen to these people who have been in your shoes then listen to your heart, you will make the right choice for yourself........Good luck, hon!!!!!!!!!! And welcome to the site.

[Luckyday]

I really don't think what your husband did was that bad... We all want to have a little fun once in awhile and that's normal! Sending emails to your dad was going over extreme, I would get those back if I were you...

Welcome to the site...Lucky:wa:

[TalithaRisen]

Well we talked (well he yelled) and said that I put on a strain on our marriage for asking the question "Did you think about stepping out on me in early 2007". He feels that I asked have I cheated on him. Semantics really.

Because I don't trust him, he told me he'll decide whether we'll be staying together or not. This stems from an incident before we got married and that was hashed out. He feels my comments in this case are slanderous b/c I don't have proof (which I do) and he's asked me numerous times about the proof I have.

Told me if I wanted to leave he wouldn't stop me, intimated that I might be out there with someone (which I'm not EVER) and got so angry he started cussing and throwing things in his office.

I went outside on the curb in tears where our neighbors driving by could see me balling. I called my dad and he made jokes to make me feel better.

My husband called me to come back in the house but I wouldn't, not even when his cousin showed up to do work. I just got in now.

He said it's all my fault but it's not. (Just this moment he came into my office while I was typing to say again it's my fault, and that I very seldom see that it's my fault.)

Cherokeered is right...I got decisions to make on this one. I'll get the emails back from Dad's house I agree with that...

[TalithaRisen]

I agree chatting and flirting is not a big deal...but extended connections while you're married are...unless your spouse is cool with that. That's my humble opinion. If was down with that...had an open marriage where he dates girls and I date guys...hey let's party. But it's not like that...

[Cotties]

has it crossed anyones minds he might be upset because he feels its all just an over reaction :sc fhuhhh?? what does introducing you to his friends have to do with him chatting online with this girl?

I'd say right now he is going to be defensive about most anything on this subject. He's trying to regroup & probably figure out exactly how much you do know.

[My_Secrets_Kept]

Oh hun sounds like you could really use a hug or two :hug: :hug:

All things aside for a moment, sounds like he is being a complete ASS!

Everyone has their own distinctions about what cheating is or isn't, bottom line is he did something that caused you heartache and now he doesn't want to own his choices. This is still very raw for both of you, so when or if things cool down I hope that he will have a different outlook on how his actions have affected you.

And I neglected to say Hello & Welcome to the site :wa:

[My_Secrets_Kept]

has it crossed anyones minds he might be upset because he feels its all just an over reaction :sc f

well yes Cotties, doesn't every husband think that their wife over reacts to things in general, mine sure does. But it's usually the little things that send me over the edge, so in my hubby's case he might be right for a change ;)

[TalithaRisen]

Thanks for the hugs ;-) I really could use them now.

Yes he thinks it's an overreaction. He thinks I'm too much ado about one email. But he also stated that there could be other emails that would lead me to think something is going on. I asked to clarify and he just repeated the same statement. That's an admission ya'll!!

[peaches]

Well we talked (well he yelled) and said that I put on a strain on our marriage for asking the question "Did you think about stepping out on me in early 2007". He feels that I asked have I cheated on him. Semantics really.

Because I don't trust him, he told me he'll decide whether we'll be staying together or not. This stems from an incident before we got married and that was hashed out. He feels my comments in this case are slanderous b/c I don't have proof (which I do) and he's asked me numerous times about the proof I have.

Told me if I wanted to leave he wouldn't stop me, intimated that I might be out there with someone (which I'm not EVER) and got so angry he started cussing and throwing things in his office.

I went outside on the curb in tears where our neighbors driving by could see me balling. I called my dad and he made jokes to make me feel better.

My husband called me to come back in the house but I wouldn't, not even when his cousin showed up to do work. I just got in now.

He said it's all my fault but it's not. (Just this moment he came into my office while I was typing to say again it's my fault, and that I very seldom see that it's my fault.)

Cherokeered is right...I got decisions to make on this one. I'll get the emails back from Dad's house I agree with that...
Yes you have some hard decisons to make, but it also sounds like he has something to hide. But there is also two sides to every story and every fight. Good Luck Hon!!! We are here is you need us and stand behind you..../

[Big O]

why don'tyou just invite him here??

[TalithaRisen]

:o I want to thank everyone for their advice and support. I've gotten all the info I need to move forward on this one.

Honestly there may be no need to invite him on this chat. He's probably already got an account.

[p.J]

:cry:

I just found out definitively that my husband had cybersex with this female back in January - March timeframe.

We were in his office and the email popped up with this girls name - Stacy. On his birthday nonetheless. Guess what? He got no gift or card...

Anyway...I confronted him today about it and he told me he was the victim because I don't trust him.

Those emails I printed out say I am the victim....

Has anybody ever dealt with this before? How did you deal with it?

Sick of MY D*** Husband

Bloody hell. you know it isn't any less hurtful because its a online affair... I am desperately sorry that this is happening to you. There is no easy answer to what's going on, but its addictive ... has he actually met these women? perhaps it just gives him a bit of excitement and visual stimulus a quick relief. Is your relationship ok otherwise? O and welcome... believe me you will feel better after sharing this... XX

[cherokeered]

:o I want to thank everyone for their advice and support. I've gotten all the info I need to move forward on this one.

Honestly there may be no need to invite him on this chat. He's probably already got an account.

Makes ya wonder doesn't it???? How did u find this chat??

[scoobertina]

Sorry but I cyber.... I have also had affairs... They are not the same.. and why do I do it? Because I am not getting something I need at home... I am sorry that you found out like that, and I am sorry that he is doing that to you.

I will not be judgemental here and say that he is lacking something from you... I have met some people here who lack for nothing... I just wanted you to know that it does happen.. whether it is right or wrong is for me and God to decide... not my husband nor his parents.... and I am sorry to say, not for you....

[TalithaRisen]

How did I find this chat? I looked it up...

I wonder really do I need to go to the darkside and do some chatting myself since he's doing the same. You know what...I think I will...

[scoobertina]

How did I find this chat? I looked it up...

I wonder really do I need to go to the darkside and do some chatting myself since he's doing the same. You know what...I think I will...

Don't do that because he is... if you flirt online with others and even cyber then let it be because it is what you need, not because you are trying to get back at him... those are all the wrong reasons...

[Outta]

How did I find this chat? I looked it up...

I wonder really do I need to go to the darkside and do some chatting myself since he's doing the same. You know what...I think I will...
Hey, it may just be that he's highly sexual. Men don't always do cybersex to cheat on their wives. They just need some excitement. The fact that he's doing that and not shacking up for real is good.

Maybe you guys just need to find out what you need to do to each other to spice things up.

[fly]

Don't do that because he is... if you flirt online with others and even cyber then let it be because it is what you need, not because you are trying to get back at him... those are all the wrong reasons...

Yeah..........and what about the poor guy who falls for her only to find out she's using him to get back at her cheating hubby? Poor fellow!

[IMaLady]

How did I find this chat? I looked it up...

I wonder really do I need to go to the darkside and do some chatting myself since he's doing the same. You know what...I think I will...


Maybe if you got him to join with you it would help you to open up the lines of comunication about it.


welcome to the site:wa:

[My_Secrets_Kept]

Don't do that because he is... if you flirt online with others and even cyber then let it be because it is what you need, not because you are trying to get back at him... those are all the wrong reasons...

I agree with scoob. Tit for tat is never a good thing, especially when you may be making hasty decisions without having had enough time to really digest the hurt/anger/disapointment/betrayal that you are very obviously feeling.

If you plan on continuing to flirt online or progress into cybersex yourself you need to go into it with a clear head or you may regret it.

Understand that I am not being critical of you, heck look I'm here too ;) but I came to this site knowing full well what my intensions were before signing up.

[TalithaRisen]

I agree with scoob. Tit for tat is never a good thing, especially when you may be making hasty decisions without having had enough time to really digest the hurt/anger/disapointment/betrayal that you are very obviously feeling.

If you plan on continuing to flirt online or progress into cybersex yourself you need to go into it with a clear head or you may regret it.

Understand that I am not being critical of you, heck look I'm here too ;) but I came to this site knowing full well what my intensions were before signing up.

I've been thru all of the emotions you've mentioned in the past couple of days. And the longer my husband is angry with me, the more I feel compelled to find alternatives. I guess that's how he felt when we were having issues in early 07.

Honestly I'm not sure what to expect. I used to cybersex in college back in the 90's with guess who...my husband. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he has gone on and contined it with someone else.

But he's a grown man and I can't make him (or considering his current reactions ask him) chat online with me too..

.

[Kissie]

I joined this site b/c I read that people don't just flirt on here but they also talk about marital issues of note. So far that article was right. I'm not here to flirt with other people despite my thinking that I need to leave my husband, I'm not divorced yet and I cannot go out like that. That's just me.

I'm here to learn from other people who have been thru what I'm going thru or have some insight as to what I should do...



You need to talk...and talk and talk some more!!!!!
And let go of the anger....try and talk with all that anger built up and it aint going anywhere!!!!!

[Annie]

You need to talk...and talk and talk some more!!!!!
And let go of the anger....try and talk with all that anger built up and it aint going anywhere!!!!!Very good advice! I completely agree with every word of it!!

[Jy]

Hey Talitha, first I want to say welcome to the site. I wish it was happier circumstances that brought you here. As you can see, we're a close group who try our best to help out every member, old and new. You've gotten alot of good advice from some very insightful, intelligent people. I hope you heed all of it, and I hope everything works out for the best for you two.

I just wanted to add my own two cents...
After reading through the posts on here for the first time, the impression I got is that there's three people in your marriage - your husband, you and your dad. Practically every post you wrote mentioned your dad said this, your dad suggested that. As Ulti said, this is between you and hubby. I would be furious if my husband discussed our relationship with his mom. Yes, he betrayed your trust, but you also betrayed his - by taking all these issues to your dad, and by reading his emails in the first place. Also, if you don't tell him how you know about this, you're not being completely honest with him. If you expect total honesty, you need to give it.
Leave your dad out of this. Sit down and talk to your husband calmly, without accusations, and tell him how you feel. This isn't going to be resolved in one go, but it's a start.
As MC said, it takes two to mess things up. You need to take a good look at your part in this and figure out how you contributed to the breakdown in your relationship. Only when you can be honest about your side of it will you be willing to hear his side.
I wish you luck.

[TalithaRisen]

I did think about what I did to make things break down. I guess I should have been more adventurous when it comes to sex even when I was tired from work.

Just now I tried to talk to my husband calmly. He started yelling that I don't trust him 100% and he has a problem with that. And b/c I don't trust him he's thinking about divorce.

That's the situation I'm in right now. Knowing that my husband was fooling around and he knowing that he fooled around. And b/c I know and don't trust, I lose....

[TalithaRisen]

And you're right I shouldn't include my Dad but I don't know what else to do. He's one of the few people I trust in this world. He's been there when I had no one; not even my husband.

[TalithaRisen]

if you don't tell him how you know about this, you're not being completely honest with him. If you expect total honesty, you need to give it.


I thought about being honest with him but something tells me always that I need to keep my mouth shut. He's not going to give me total honestly whether I have evidence or not. Instead I'm going to get wolf tickets - like I've been getting for 3 days - about how he's trustworthy, moral and would never step out on me with someone else. And how he should consider if he even wants to deal with me for the simple fact that I asked him one question - Have you ever thought about stepping out on me when we had problems?

[spare_change]

I thought about being honest with him but something tells me always that I need to keep my mouth shut. He's not going to give me total honestly whether I have evidence or not. Instead I'm going to get wolf tickets - like I've been getting for 3 days - about how he's trustworthy, moral and would never step out on me with someone else. And how he should consider if he even wants to deal with me for the simple fact that I asked him one question - Have you ever thought about stepping out on me when we had problems?


Oh yeah -- keeping your mouth shut is really good for open communications. Give me a break --- Talitha, I have read all your posts, and it is clear to me that you are a lot more interested in punishing your husband for a perceived slight, than you are in fixing the problem. Clearly, you feel that it's more important to win, than to be with your husband.

Face it -- your husband will never measure up to what your perceive your dad to be. Frankly, that's because you have a twisted sense of your father --- you see him as a father, not as a man, whereas your husband is simply a man.

If you're not interested in solving the problem -- if you would just rather beat your husband over the head with this -- do yourself, and especially him, a favor, and end it.

He has done what he has done -- beating him over the head, day after day, will accomplish nothing. Well, actually it will -- it will drive him away (like it did me).

[UltimateNaneki]

Just now I tried to talk to my husband calmly. He started yelling that I don't trust him 100% and he has a problem with that. And b/c I don't trust him he's thinking about divorce.

That's the situation I'm in right now. Knowing that my husband was fooling around and he knowing that he fooled around. And b/c I know and don't trust, I lose....

Ok now...I have read all I need from this topic and this is the last straw....
You think hubby does not trust you now! Just wait, when he finds out about those e-mails your have, and you do know that he will find out. Hell I wouldn't listen or talk to you either...A divorce will be the least for your worries.
And fooling around??? Your husband had cyber-sex for goodness sakes, he wasn't at a motel with the woman. He was at is computer and typing away.....You lost the moment you and your dad ganged up on him.
And finally, payback is a bitch. Now you say that you want to have cyber-sex because hubby had it...How old are you? Get a grip, if hubby jumped from a bridge, will you???

Just grow up and smell the flowers and be happy you're still alive....

[Wil]

Oh yeah -- keeping your mouth shut is really good for open communications. Give me a break --- Talitha, I have read all your posts, and it is clear to me that you are a lot more interested in punishing your husband for a perceived slight, than you are in fixing the problem. Clearly, you feel that it's more important to win, than to be with your husband.

Face it -- your husband will never measure up to what your perceive your dad to be. Frankly, that's because you have a twisted sense of your father --- you see him as a father, not as a man, whereas your husband is simply a man.

If you're not interested in solving the problem -- if you would just rather beat your husband over the head with this -- do yourself, and especially him, a favor, and end it.

He has done what he has done -- beating him over the head, day after day, will accomplish nothing. Well, actually it will -- it will drive him away (like it did me).


Uh...damn...:55

[Wil]

Ok now...I have read all I need from this topic and this is the last straw....
You think hubby does not trust you now! Just wait, when he finds out about those e-mails your have, and you do know that he will find out. Hell I wouldn't listen or talk to you either...A divorce will be the least for your worries.
And fooling around??? Your husband had cyber-sex for goodness sakes, he wasn't at a motel with the woman. He was at is computer and typing away.....You lost the moment you and your dad ganged up on him.
And finally, payback is a bitch. Now you say that you want to have cyber-sex because hubby had it...How old are you? Get a grip, if hubby jumped from a bridge, will you???

Just grow up and smell the flowers and be happy you're still alive....

...you go ulti..;) :55

[Frenchie]

*Long responce allert*

O.K. first of all, Hold the horses here. What I will tell you will seem blunt but I dont go around jars.

Let me add some stuff to this cause I dont think your getting it. Your attitude towards this issue is to say the least childish and you need to get a grip here and fast.

Your Making the fatal mistake of thinking that your better then him here and thats exactly why he's pissed at you and your too clueless to see it for what it is.

Your attacking him with stuff and your not fessing up? Do you think he's that stupid? He knows whats up, he knows what he did, now your dangling this in front of him and you wont say anything walking around like a poor devestated princess and expect him to fold like a deck of cheap cards? What your going though is called reality but I get the distink feeling where missing some info that goes prior to your big discovery.

IMO your marriage is done, know why? Cause you lie just as much as he does and for some reason think your the better person then he is since after all you didnt do anything bad... right

If you actually wanted this to work you would sit down with your husban and show him what you did, what you found, how you did it and figure out where you go from here in the future without having to play childish games about who's being honest and build a solid foundation of trust. Thats what grown ups do.

You sent the papers to your dad... "just in case"...???? WTF man? what do you mean just in case? I didnt fall off the turnip truck yesterday, obviously you 2 had divorce talks before and all your doing is gathering ammo to shoot is ass down later to take him to the cleaners and if thats the case here I'll tell you right now to save you the pain,

Divorce him now and save yourslef allot of time, money and trouble.

So in the end, BIG DEAL! you got info, priceless intel! Your a winner now kid!!! It's already a fact that you'll get everything if you guys split up in court so why even bother?

I know I sound negative and probably like him and your pissed off reading my post but someones got to clue you in here and be honest.

Your hubby was talking to some chick online about playing saucage games, big deal...At least he didnt give you gonerea! If it's not physical then for a guy trust me it's not as bad. Dont ask me why that's the way it is. So find out what he needs and then you can figure out what made him seek someone else. When you get off in the shower your telling me your thinking of him the hole time... right?..But it's not a real person...so what? your getting your socks off not thinking of him, same thing, different perspective.

You even said he tried to push it off when she wanted to meet him so there! Awesome! but noooooo...cant leave it there! let's drag it on!... You guy's obviously have some past ghost's in your closet your not talking about here and that's a fact for sure, you dont need to be Preskin to see this.

And the best part! Your dad's the one giving you advise!!! are you nuts? Seriously? Get counceling, Both of you. One room, and a therapist and start talking the thruth and make your way forward or call it quits but your dad man?

Even if he's your best friend, all time hero, superman...he's not the one your married to and sleeping with and sure as hell wont be objective to problems regarding you and your partner....I'm sure your hubby loves not having a single chances of being up to par with the guy you hold on a pedestal and know that your talking to him more then your are to him....

Honesty is the best policy and until you show him the respect and decency of being honest and straight forward with him then I'm on his side. Your no better then him for snooping trought his stuff and even lie about after you threw it in is face.

Grow up and get therapy, both of you, you obviously will need it to get through this "patch"

Best of luck!

Sorry for being negative, I just hope you get my point.

[Jy]

...what Frenchie said.

[swanston253]

:cry:

I just found out definitively that my husband had cybersex with this female back in January - March timeframe.

We were in his office and the email popped up with this girls name - Stacy. On his birthday nonetheless. Guess what? He got no gift or card...

Anyway...I confronted him today about it and he told me he was the victim because I don't trust him.

Those emails I printed out say I am the victim....

Has anybody ever dealt with this before? How did you deal with it?

Sick of MY D*** Husbandbit of hard one could be up for discusion

[fly]

*Long responce allert*


Best of luck!

Sorry for being negative, I just hope you get my point.



French....:55

[rickingeorgia]

I'd have to read the emails to find out more details on what was said before I can make an opinion.

[missgrace]

wow.. i know we are all here.. because something is missing at home. at least that holds true for me... i'm still shocked you involved your dad.. that freaks me a little... i agree.. you should keep personal issues between the two of you.. unless.. unless.. you are in danger or he is threatening you.. whew..best of luck..

[kjguy43]

Frenchie...that was great..the way it sounds, she has cheated on him before they were married, and it was never cleared up. Thats a bad start to a hopless marraige.

[pointofnoreturn]

I agree with Frenchie also. Communication...

[Annie]

wow.. i know we are all here.. because something is missing at home. at least that holds true for me... i'm still shocked you involved your dad.. that freaks me a little... i agree.. you should keep personal issues between the two of you.. unless.. unless.. you are in danger or he is threatening you.. whew..best of luck..Naw... not then.... that's when you involve the police!




... then maybe Dad if you need to.

[leggy4]

I don't exactly know what happened... He was imng girls in myspace... saw pics on history that he researched and saw an im set up.. it was enough for me... It might have not been as bad as i thought. hurt my feelings enough... I think it was more for attention. maybe we all need a little more

[surfnchat]

I wonder how this situation turned out with TalithaRisen and her husband. The original post was nearly 2 years ago... :sc

[countrygent07]

Well, that is unfortunate, but you are, after all, on a Married but Flirting website. Maybe you both need to talk.

[carnation]

:spbx: hey there just saw your post i can really understand what you are going through my situation i would not say the same but similar, i found out that hubby joined an adult sex dating site and been talking to other women about fantasies and watching their webcams and everything, then found contact pics on his phone, then back in March this year i found phone hidden in our car with text messages he sent and recieved from women i was absolutely devestated. To read things that my hubby sent to these women cripples me and what he recieved which i am too ashamed to say. I threw him out then he came crawling back i have taken him back but things not the same no more dont know if i will ever trust him again.

[stevelooking]

:spbx: hey there just saw your post i can really understand what you are going through my situation i would not say the same but similar, i found out that hubby joined an adult sex dating site and been talking to other women about fantasies and watching their webcams and everything, then found contact pics on his phone, then back in March this year i found phone hidden in our car with text messages he sent and recieved from women i was absolutely devestated. To read things that my hubby sent to these women cripples me and what he recieved which i am too ashamed to say. I threw him out then he came crawling back i have taken him back but things not the same no more dont know if i will ever trust him again.


So is that what brought yo here to this site?

[Penny]

Maybe a second chance is warranted ;)

[leggy4]

My husband did this and this is the reason why I am here!!!!!!!!!!

[leighm]

:spbx: hey there just saw your post i can really understand what you are going through my situation i would not say the same but similar, I threw him out then he came crawling back i have taken him back but things not the same no more dont know if i will ever trust him again.

I've told you this before Missy, kick him to the curb. Trust is so hard to get back. I'm still having trouble with trust issues and it was over something very minor. But that could just be my personality, I am a scorpio after all. But what he did was very wrong. You deserve to be happy and I doubt you will if you keep him around. You could start all over again with him if you feel you still want him. Live seperate but start dating again and see how it goes, but this time make sure he is willing to be up front with you.

[stevelooking]

My husband did this and this is the reason why I am here!!!!!!!!!!
glad you are here

[Dragon_lady]

think husbands might feel the same way?

Kinda puts things in perspective for me...

[carnation]

So is that what brought yo here to this site?
I joined this site to meet new people and make friends and have a lil private fun now for myself.

[jimmy-love-fl]

How did I find this chat? I looked it up...

I wonder really do I need to go to the darkside and do some chatting myself since he's doing the same. You know what...I think I will...

How you doin'? :dt

Seriously, I'm gonna give you a man's opinion. My thoughts are a bit off the beaten path and many people may or may not disagree. I have spent several years trying to understand the world and why it seems so contradictory to how we were made. I'm coming completely from a man's perspective so I can't speak for the women. But I believe men in the world today are tamed into being what the world wants us to be. We are hunters, we are explorers, adventurers. We are lovers! As soon as women come into the picture we are expected to become domesticated. Us men usually end up with 2 choices. Conform to what the world says we should be and lose all sense of that rugged man that you fell in love with, in which case you wonder why you struggle to get turned on by mr mom. Or he hides some adventure from her in order to steal moments of feeling like a man again. Infidelity either online or in person is one of the things that make us feel like a man once again more than anything. Some men turn to gambling, some to motorcycles. This was his adventure, and now that he has tasted it he doesn't want to go back to his past life. If you wanted to make it work, then find a way he can be a have his adventures and a way he can earn your trust back so those adventures aren't full of mistrust and you'll have yourself a marriage that works. Every guy has different things. For me I like owning my own business, and I like getting away to have some fun from time to time.

Of course I also believe monogamy is too high a standard for most men and personally if I ever got married again it would be with the understanding that although she will always be by best friend and lover and my everything I will always have desires for the other sex and we will enjoy fulfilling each others fantasies. I believe it's the Hunter and the lover in me that makes it impossible for me to ever be that for someone and I hate lying so an open relationship (sexually) would be the only way I could ever committ to someone again.

[FizProf]

My husband did this and this is the reason why I am here!!!!!!!!!!

Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi;
Dona nobis ignoscentiam
Dona nobis spem

[curiousnate98]

Do you know that circle rule???
Take a piece of paper and start with a small circle, then a larger one around that first one, and another circle around that one and two more...
Now in the small circle it's you and your hubby, then the next is for the kids, the next parents, and friends and last co-workers.
Now each circle is definate.No cross overs. You and your hubby are the only ones that can fix your problems. No one else, if they try to interfer they must be told to butt out. You invited your father into a situation that doesn't involve him. You should be able to solve your own problems, parents are there to listen and to bounce ideas off, not to solve YOUR marriage problems, that is yours and your hubbys job.
You should retreave those e-mails and apologize to your dad for placing him in that akward position!

Good advice. I like the circle analogy.