How Do You Handle Married Life Issues?

[yaser]

Do you think you contribute to the conficts of the your marriage?And what do you do for it?Avoid, be obstinant or do nothing?

[yaser]

When I focused on what did or did not,I used to be less tense and willing to be more co-operative...Or do you want to change yourself or others?

[Pebbles]

Do you think you contribute to the conficts of the your marriage?And what do you do for it?Avoid, be obstinant or do nothing?

Yep...I do contribute to the conflicts of my marriage. What do I do for it?
He works nights..I work days.
I don't never see him..but weekends.
I like saving money..he wants to spend it.
I want to move out of this crappy flat..he doesn't.
I want sex..he won't give me any.
I don't like his drinking..he doesn't like the fact I don't drink with him.
We each have our own bank accounts.
So guess I do everything to avoid him. Think about getting sex and having fun. Like I just did when I was in the USA for five weeks. No sex tho!!! :(

[p.J]

Do you think you contribute to the conficts of the your marriage?And what do you do for it?Avoid, be obstinant or do nothing?

mmmm! Thought provoking!...

I admit I do contribute to the conflicts within our marriage, I say this without superiority. I am just so damn hard to please! If I knew why, well, I would do something about it... its just not that simple!
I have tried biting my tongue and not get so angry, his lack of spontaneity being one of his recent traits, it annoys the hell out of me. You see I am just not ready to put on my comfortable slippers just yet, whereas he is... :(

[Pebbles]

When I focused on what did or did not,I used to be less tense and willing to be more co-operative...Or do you want to change yourself or others?

Nope can't change husband. He is British and I am American. Two different cultures. He belongs to the pub and likes fish and chips. I like a good Mexican cafe and a large glass of tea.
Don't want to change anyone. Just get on with life and enjoy new people and experiences.

[yaser]

Yep...I do contribute to the conflicts of my marriage. What do I do for it?
He works nights..I work days.
I don't never see him..but weekends.
I like saving money..he wants to spend it.
I want to move out of this crappy flat..he doesn't.
I want sex..he won't give me any.
I don't like his drinking..he doesn't like the fact I don't drink with him.
We each have our own bank accounts.
So guess I do everything to avoid him. Think about getting sex and having fun. Like I just did when I was in the USA for five weeks. No sex tho!!! :(
I see you do not behave obstinantly...No polarity you create? You don't say ''me''..?

[yaser]

How do you solve conflicts?
Lose Lose
Lose win
Win lose
Or
win win?

[OICurready4me]

Do you think you contribute to the conficts of the your marriage?And what do you do for it?Avoid, be obstinant or do nothing?


I ask daily for sex... she is getting sick of my asking so I guess I'm obstinant in that regard. Often times, rather than talk about it, she runs off to bed so it makes it difficult to discuss some issues. It comes from her growing up. When her mom and dad would have have disagreements, her mom would scurry off to bed and in the morning, everything was hunky dorry, or so she thought. At first I would get pissed since it was like she was ignoring the issue and we'd end up in a big fight. Now, I don't know if it's an "I don't give a shit attitude" or I have learned to just accept what I cannot change but I live with it the way it is. Call it lack of communication or avoidance, whatever it is, I've gotten to the point I do nothing about it since that is how she has chosen to deal with it herself. Ever since I changed my attitude, we have fought less and have actually spent more time together so.... I dont know what to say...

[yaser]

Nope can't change husband. He is British and I am American. Two different cultures. He belongs to the pub and likes fish and chips. I like a good Mexican cafe and a large glass of tea.
Don't want to change anyone. Just get on with life and enjoy new people and experiences.
Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact. ~Marlene Dietrich

[Annie]

Why does anyone have to lose? In my home it usually involves a compromise. How we solve it depends on what the conflict pertains to and who is better informed on the topic. For instance if it has to do with our joint investments, my husband usually has the final say because he has a degree in accounting and has a better understanding of such matters. If it has to do with disciplining our son it's usually me, I am the calmer one and have a college education in child development. We almost always work as team and real conflict isn't much of an issue.

[Polo38]

Great question

I definitely have contributed to the conflicts between my wife and me, in deeds, words and the miss reading signs. I have blamed myself (and still do) I have tortured my soul for my shortcomings, if that were enough to resolves our problem then I would hold a nightly vigil of self deprecating torture so that night would give way to peace and harmony in the morning. But as the song goes it takes two to tango, you can not hold an argument in the company of one (well you could but that is systemic of another problem), for a conflict to occur there must be at least two people and a situation, thought, concept or otherwise that is in disagreement. In this case it is change or to be specific the desire for one not to want the other to change. Admittedly, we fall in love with the false expectation that one or both of us will not change, or that if we do change we change together, that we grow together in the same manner, evolving in the same breath. Until one morning when you wake up and you’re lying there, eyes open, and as you turn to look over at your life mate and suddenly realize that you hunger for more of life, you want more of your relationship with them, you want more from yourself, and sadly your loving partner is content with status quo of the moment. You have bitten into the apple of knowledge and for the first time in your life your eyes are wide open and at the same time you’re dying inside because you can’t seem to share this with your lover and best friend. So yes I contribute to the conflict, perhaps I am the conflict. This is my paradise lost.

[yaser]

mmmm! Thought provoking!...

I admit I do contribute to the conflicts within our marriage, I say this without superiority. I am just so damn hard to please! If I knew why, well, I would do something about it... its just not that simple!
I have tried biting my tongue and not get so angry, his lack of spontaneity being one of his recent traits, it annoys the hell out of me. You see I am just not ready to put on my comfortable slippers just yet, whereas he is... :(
Do you think you are fixed to ideal world and men?And do you think you that helpless?Or is it the right quesiton to ask ''If I knew why..'Or better to ask'' How we are having such a unwanted result?''

[yaser]

Yep...I do contribute to the conflicts of my marriage. What do I do for it?
He works nights..I work days.
I don't never see him..but weekends.
I like saving money..he wants to spend it.
I want to move out of this crappy flat..he doesn't.
I want sex..he won't give me any.
I don't like his drinking..he doesn't like the fact I don't drink with him.
We each have our own bank accounts.
So guess I do everything to avoid him. Think about getting sex and having fun. Like I just did when I was in the USA for five weeks. No sex tho!!! :(
I wonder if paradoxical approach may help.Do the opposite of what you generally do..Fogret about the cultures we are all human beings..

[OICurready4me]

Why does anyone have to lose? In my home it usually involves a compromise. How we solve it depends on what the conflict pertains to and who is better informed on the topic. For instance if it has to do with our joint investments, my husband usually has the final say because he has a degree in accounting and has a better understanding of such matters. If it has to do with disciplining our son it's usually me, I am the calmer one and have a college education in child development. We almost always work as team and real conflict isn't much of an issue.


I agree with you, for the most part it comes down to who has the most knowledge in that area as to who has the more authoritive voice in our house, which usually leads my wife deferring to me on just about everything. She can't make up her mind about anything but I at least give her a fair shot at making the decision. I have always said to her that I will never condemn her for making the wrong decision, as long as she learns from it. Its when a decision needs to be made immediately and she blows it off for me to decide and it causes issues financially that I get upset. But who wouldn't?

[yaser]

Great question

I definitely have contributed to the conflicts between my wife and me, in deeds, words and the miss reading signs. I have blamed myself (and still do) I have tortured my soul for my shortcomings, if that were enough to resolves our problem then I would hold a nightly vigil of self deprecating torture so that night would give way to peace and harmony in the morning. But as the song goes it takes two to tango, you can not hold an argument in the company of one (well you could but that is systemic of another problem), for a conflict to occur there must be at least two people and a situation, thought, concept or otherwise that is in disagreement. In this case it is change or to be specific the desire for one not to want the other to change. Admittedly, we fall in love with the false expectation that one or both of us will not change, or that if we do change we change together, that we grow together in the same manner, evolving in the same breath. Until one morning when you wake up and you’re lying there, eyes open, and as you turn to look over at your life mate and suddenly realize that you hunger for more of life, you want more of your relationship with them, you want more from yourself, and sadly your loving partner is content with status quo of the moment. You have bitten into the apple of knowledge and for the first time in your life your eyes are wide open and at the same time you’re dying inside because you can’t seem to share this with your lover and best friend. So yes I contribute to the conflict, perhaps I am the conflict. This is my paradise lost.
Polo you blamed yourself?Did it help?Any other alternatives?Or how you do the tango? Do you lead her?Or follow her?

[Trev]

I would agree that it depends on what the conflict is.

[yaser]

I would agree that it depends on what the conflict is.
Do you think solutions depend upon the types of conflicts?Or shall we better classify solutions?

[Frenchie]

Anything happends....

*The Pimp hand raises*

Problems dissapear! like magic!

P.S: I just agry with what ever she says, life lesson #1 lol

P.P.S: I cant spell

[Polo38]

Polo you blamed yourself?Did it help?Any other alternatives?Or how you do the tango? Do you lead her?Or follow her?


Hi Yaser,

Yes i blame my deeds on me, I blame the failure to connect to her on me, but i do not myself for wanting more, i do not blame myself for changing.

No it did not help, it only added to the weight of the monkey on my back.

Tango? if i lead and she does not follow then i dancing alone, if she leads and and does not want me to do likewise then i still dance alone or with another...But if we take turns then we are dancing together, we moving in sync...then we are a couple.

Right now i still dance alone

[yaser]

Hi Yaser,

Yes i blame my deeds on me, I blame the failure to connect to her on me, but i do not myself for wanting more, i do not blame myself for changing.

No it did not help, it only added to the weight of the monkey on my back.

Tango? if i lead and she does not follow then i dancing alone, if she leads and and does not want me to do likewise then i still dance alone or with another...But if we take turns then we are dancing together, we moving in sync...then we are a couple.

Right now i still dance alone
Polo,do you like dancing alone?Do you like to play alone?Since your childhood days?What about childhood pattern developed?Still go on?

[yaser]

I ask daily for sex... she is getting sick of my asking so I guess I'm obstinant in that regard. Often times, rather than talk about it, she runs off to bed so it makes it difficult to discuss some issues. It comes from her growing up. When her mom and dad would have have disagreements, her mom would scurry off to bed and in the morning, everything was hunky dorry, or so she thought. At first I would get pissed since it was like she was ignoring the issue and we'd end up in a big fight. Now, I don't know if it's an "I don't give a shit attitude" or I have learned to just accept what I cannot change but I live with it the way it is. Call it lack of communication or avoidance, whatever it is, I've gotten to the point I do nothing about it since that is how she has chosen to deal with it herself. Ever since I changed my attitude, we have fought less and have actually spent more time together so.... I dont know what to say...
OIC rather than trying to change your attitude,ask what you do to have such a result?How can you be successful in having it?Is the bad result a good feedback to you that you are making a mistake?

[Pebbles]

I wonder if paradoxical approach may help.Do the opposite of what you generally do..Fogret about the cultures we are all human beings..

Tried the paradoxical approach. Didn't work.
We are all human beings??? Thought I was married to the pub! That is my husbands first love. Maybe he should try the paradoxical approach when talking of this love. Think that would work?

[Pebbles]

Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact. ~Marlene Dietrich

Very true.

[yaser]

Tried the paradoxical approach. Didn't work.
We are all human beings??? Thought I was married to the pub! That is my husbands first love. Maybe he should try the paradoxical approach when talking of this love. Think that would work?
Honey,can you focus on what you do to have such a bad result?Rather you focus on others which is impossible..And you are at the danger of indexing your happines to him... Aren't you responsible for your happiness..Beside I wonder how you appled paradoxical intention?

[spare_change]

How do you solve conflicts?
Lose Lose
Lose win
Win lose
Or
win win?

There is no such thing as a "win-win" solution -- in fact, what you have is a "lose a little - lose a little" solution. Compromise means merely that you agree to settle for less than what you believe was the optimum solution.

In reality, all conflicts are "lose-lose" situations. A "win-lose" situation means that one person imposed their will on the other, to the undying enmity it creates. Even if your proposed solution is the ideal perfect answer to the problem, the other person, while recognizing your superiority, feels demeaned and embarrassed. Even if you win, you lost in the other person's eyes, because you had the temerity to point out his shortcomings.

[Kissie]

I do have to admit that I contribute to the conflits in our marriage...I was ok with him being iin the National Guards....when he was in Iraq...he desided that he missed being in the Army and re-enlisted into the regular Army...and here I am away from my family...and getting ready to send his ass back to Iraq for the 3rd time...I am holding a grudge...which I know I should not do...but I feel I should have been part of the desission making of him re-enlisting....
I dont like being alone...and in 124 days I am gtoing to be alone for anywhere from 12 to 18 months...
So again yes I contribute alot to our messy marriage!!!

[yaser]

I do have to admit that I contribute to the conflits in our marriage...I was ok with him being iin the National Guards....when he was in Iraq...he desided that he missed being in the Army and re-enlisted into the regular Army...and here I am away from my family...and getting ready to send his ass back to Iraq for the 3rd time...I am holding a grudge...which I know I should not do...but I feel I should have been part of the desission making of him re-enlisting....
I dont like being alone...and in 124 days I am gtoing to be alone for anywhere from 12 to 18 months...
So again yes I contribute alot to our messy marriage!!!
You mean he should not have done it.....And' he should change and I will be happy'' you say..?

[dartgirl]

I will also have to admit to being the cause of our conflict. But there have been so many changes happen in our lives lately that I decided that I am tired of being the one who has to accomodate everyone elses needs and desires. I have some of my own and unfortunetly they can not be satisfied by hubby. We have changed in two different directions. I have spent my entire life trying to win my parents approval, conform to what hubby wanted and try to be the mom for my kids that I didn't have. Well now I want to have, do and see things on my own. Hubby of course doesn't want to loose what he is used to so is fighting to keep things like they always have been. I am not bending back which keeps us locked in a silent battle, neither one of us really wanting to open that can of worms and address what is going to have to happen at some point. I know what I want but am scared in some respect of what lays ahead in order for me to get it.

[yaser]

I will also have to admit to being the cause of our conflict. But there have been so many changes happen in our lives lately that I decided that I am tired of being the one who has to accomodate everyone elses needs and desires. I have some of my own and unfortunetly they can not be satisfied by hubby. We have changed in two different directions. I have spent my entire life trying to win my parents approval, conform to what hubby wanted and try to be the mom for my kids that I didn't have. Well now I want to have, do and see things on my own. Hubby of course doesn't want to loose what he is used to so is fighting to keep things like they always have been. I am not bending back which keeps us locked in a silent battle, neither one of us really wanting to open that can of worms and address what is going to have to happen at some point. I know what I want but am scared in some respect of what lays ahead in order for me to get it.
Dartgirl,can you sacrifice getting approval from others?I know you love it..though.Are you willing to do that?

[cherokeered]

Well, of course I contribute....dont we all?


I avoid conflict by just doing what I need to....we dont talk much and seldom can about anything like money or it ends in a shouting match...and nothing gets resoved...so whats the point

We are very much like roommates at this point...our money is now seperate...and we dont discuss much at all...that is a problem...only one of us knows things arent great and the other one prefers to keep their head buried in the sand...

But then I guess by not addressing these things both of us have our heads buried....

[dartgirl]

Dartgirl,can you sacrifice getting approval from others?I know you love it..though.Are you willing to do that?

I'm sorry but I'm not sure I understand what you are asking.

[Trev]

Do you think solutions depend upon the types of conflicts?Or shall we better classify solutions?

I do think that there are different classification of solutions.

[sweet]

There is no such thing as a "win-win" solution -- in fact, what you have is a "lose a little - lose a little" solution. Compromise means merely that you agree to settle for less than what you believe was the optimum solution.

In reality, all conflicts are "lose-lose" situations. A "win-lose" situation means that one person imposed their will on the other, to the undying enmity it creates. Even if your proposed solution is the ideal perfect answer to the problem, the other person, while recognizing your superiority, feels demeaned and embarrassed. Even if you win, you lost in the other person's eyes, because you had the temerity to point out his shortcomings.

That's very true Spare. Very true. :55

[Annie]

How does a judge know when they have come to a fair decision?

When neither side is happy.

[wwwdodgeit]

best way is to say yes honey u where right i was wrong and dont say nothing else
that cant feed on it to keep going

[Polo38]

I try to listen and put myself in their place...if done right but sides can see with clairty....but if that does not work, then tell them their idiots and walk away.

[OICurready4me]

I do have to admit that I contribute to the conflits in our marriage...I was ok with him being iin the National Guards....when he was in Iraq...he desided that he missed being in the Army and re-enlisted into the regular Army...and here I am away from my family...and getting ready to send his ass back to Iraq for the 3rd time...I am holding a grudge...which I know I should not do...but I feel I should have been part of the desission making of him re-enlisting....
I dont like being alone...and in 124 days I am gtoing to be alone for anywhere from 12 to 18 months...
So again yes I contribute alot to our messy marriage!!!


A decision like that probably should have been a joint one but do you feel that it is the being alone is what is pissing you off or the fact that you feel obligated to hold everything together and be the "Army wife" while he's if off fighting for his country and would think that people would look at you differently if you divorced him, being a soldier and all? Just wondering. I have heard this story many times and was wondering where the hostility comes from.

[dave42]

I listen to her, Try to put myself in her place. Think it over,... Figure out who is right. Sometimes I am wrong, Sometimes I am right. The key to winning an argument is truth and facts. and that can go both ways. We do compromise a lot. Sometimes We argue and bicker and then it is forgotten.

[Polo38]

I do have to admit that I contribute to the conflits in our marriage...I was ok with him being iin the National Guards....when he was in Iraq...he desided that he missed being in the Army and re-enlisted into the regular Army...and here I am away from my family...and getting ready to send his ass back to Iraq for the 3rd time...I am holding a grudge...which I know I should not do...but I feel I should have been part of the desission making of him re-enlisting....
I dont like being alone...and in 124 days I am gtoing to be alone for anywhere from 12 to 18 months...
So again yes I contribute alot to our messy marriage!!!


Kisses, you have every right to be angry but perhaps not display towards him. Turn that angry into something postive....hard...definitely...impossible..no
Here is something that most men will not admit too....we sometimes (often times) commit to things with out thinking ahead to the consequences of our decisions, what appears to be a good idea at that moment (in his case patriotism or the belief in what he is there for) often times become somewhat of a regret when we actually see the big picture… I wish I had a magic wand to fix things for you Kisses, but the best we can do here is listen.. and i know you have close friends here that are only to willing to help listen. I hope i am not stepping out of bounds here...if i am i'm sorry.

[Cotties]

I think if I didn't demand that I am always correct we would fight alot more about who is in the wrong

[jman]

I need to be more patient.

[yaser]

I'm sorry but I'm not sure I understand what you are asking.
Better stop seeking approval ...think why you need it..

[MIGHTY]

I definitely contribute to the conflicts. It doesn't help that I'm bull headed and stubborn. I tend to hold things in and then lash out when I cannot contain the stress any longer. Maybe if I spoke my mind more often, instead of trying to keep the peace, the arguments would not be as explosive.....

[yaser]

I definitely contribute to the conflicts. It doesn't help that I'm bull headed and stubborn. I tend to hold things in and then lash out when I cannot contain the stress any longer. Maybe if I spoke my mind more often, instead of trying to keep the peace, the arguments would not be as explosive.....
Hun we must all learn how to cope with our feelings especially anger..You are quite right..And we can only chnage ourselves id we wsih but never others.. :kk

[MIGHTY]

Hun we must all learn how to cope with our feelings especially anger..You are quite right..And we can only chnage ourselves id we wsih but never others.. :kk

Change comes from within. I would never try to change him...just his behaviors. Like remembering to take the trash out....that kind of thing. But, to try and change his personality would be foolish....that is the personality I fell in love with.....

[speed_raycer]

Change comes from within. I would never try to change him...just his behaviors. Like remembering to take the trash out....that kind of thing. But, to try and change his personality would be foolish....that is the personality I fell in love with.....

wise and mighty, hun, but you could whip him into shape on the trash, i'm sure.:nu

[spare_change]

Change comes from within. I would never try to change him...just his behaviors. Like remembering to take the trash out....that kind of thing. But, to try and change his personality be foolish....that is the personality I fell in love with.....

Mighty -- as a guy who has been the subject of manipulation for several decades, I just want to offer a free piece of advice (you can use it or lose it, i care not which)

You can't change his behaviors only -- he will ALWAYS believe you are trying to change him. You may be able to divide the two -- he can't. I know -- I couldn't. Finally, I just said screw it, and shut down -- now it's a constant struggle to see who's on top.

I'm not sure the trash is worth it.

:kk

[yaser]

Change comes from within. I would never try to change him...just his behaviors. Like remembering to take the trash out....that kind of thing. But, to try and change his personality would be foolish....that is the personality I fell in love with.....
Mighty I wonder if we can focus on our thoughts and belief about marriage rather than feelings..

[yaser]

Mighty -- as a guy who has been the subject of manipulation for several decades, I just want to offer a free piece of advice (you can use it or lose it, i care not which)

You can't change his behaviors only -- he will ALWAYS believe you are trying to change him. You may be able to divide the two -- he can't. I know -- I couldn't. Finally, I just said screw it, and shut down -- now it's a constant struggle to see who's on top.

I'm not sure the trash is worth it.

:kk
Spare,trying to change others seems easy and probable but when tried we see that it is never so...But we insist on it..even though we know it is a mistake..I woder if we are obsessed with it..

[spare_change]

Spare,trying to change others seems easy and probable but when tried we see that it is never so...But we insist on it..even though we know it is a mistake..I woder if we are obsessed with it..

Hell, who knows? But, if I had to guess, I would presume that it is rooted in two basic elements.

By changing them, we establish our superiority over them -- we know what's best for them even if they don't. We don't care if they are happy just as they are, we know they will be happier when they do it our way, and dammit, they will be happier whether they want to be or not!!!

Or, t's a way of establishing control over our environment.

[Pebbles]

Honey,can you focus on what you do to have such a bad result?Rather you focus on others which is impossible..And you are at the danger of indexing your happines to him... Aren't you responsible for your happiness..Beside I wonder how you appled paradoxical intention?

You have good points. Something to think seriously about. Had never thought of this that way.I am responible for my happiness. The Paradoxical intention --try to go in the direction opposite of what you want or fear. Thinking of it in terms as you put it..yes I am in danger of indexing my happiness to my husband....which I do not want. One of the reason I have ventured out into other new areas. I do not want to lose myself.
I come here for fun and new excitement. My husband doesn't know I come here and I like it that way. I have my own hideaway of fun.

[tiger50]

You have good points. Something to think seriously about. Had never thought of this that way.I am responible for my happiness. The Paradoxical intention --try to go in the direction opposite of what you want or fear. Thinking of it in terms as you put it..yes I am in danger of indexing my happiness to my husband....which I do not want. One of the reason I have ventured out into other new areas. I do not want to lose myself.
I come here for fun and new excitement. My husband doesn't know I come here and I like it that way. I have my own hideaway of fun.

gday gal... i was here for fun, and found something entirely differnt that i wasnt looking for... :D

[Pebbles]

gday gal... i was here for fun, and found something entirely differnt that i wasnt looking for... :D

Sounds good!:satan: I am going an inch at a time..taking my time.

[MIGHTY]

Mighty -- as a guy who has been the subject of manipulation for several decades, I just want to offer a free piece of advice (you can use it or lose it, i care not which)

You can't change his behaviors only -- he will ALWAYS believe you are trying to change him. You may be able to divide the two -- he can't. I know -- I couldn't. Finally, I just said screw it, and shut down -- now it's a constant struggle to see who's on top.

I'm not sure the trash is worth it.

:kk

Trash is the least of my problems....but I do not try to change him, really. I just find ways to influence his memory. He knows I love him for who he is. Of course he has things he does that get on my last nerve...as do I with him. But, with my schedule, he must learn to contribute more with the daily events....and he understands this. Hell, I usually take the trash out myself anyway! All I can do is lead by example and hope he takes the hint!!:D

[Zifnab]

I contributed by asking her.... then saying yes.... and still being alive I guess! :D

[Willy S]

by, every once and a while, just walking away and out

[northernvam]

Good Question ... and one that I've pondered myself on many occasion.

In general, the best answer I've found to the question of how I contribute to my own "family system" is from the work of Dr. Bowen. He developed the concept of the family being an "emotional system", where the emotional stabilty of the people inside the family are interdependent.

http://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/theory.html

He describes it as an equalibrium in some sense. The first three paragraphs on the link above more or less describe the theory, and I'd be interested in what others on this board think about it. What I particularly found interesting was the last sentence of the third paragraph:

"For example, a person takes too much responsibility for the distress of others in relationship to their unrealistic expectations of him. The one accommodating the most literally "absorbs" anxiety and thus is the family member most vulnerable to problems such as depression, alcoholism, affairs, or physical illness."

[altoids69]

"For example, a person takes too much responsibility for the distress of others in relationship to their unrealistic expectations of him. The one accommodating the most literally "absorbs" anxiety and thus is the family member most vulnerable to problems such as depression, alcoholism, affairs, or physical illness."

This hits home more than you know. I definitely do the absorbing around here, so it makes sense to me. I'm going to check out the link a little more, but thanks for the recommendation!!!

[laur1209]

I took all the pressure and stress because my husband changed job....

[Sandy]

i'm stubborn and don't back down at all

[lady]

Wow, what a question! Yes I contribute to the conflict. It takes two to tango. I am too demanding. I am often critical and opinionated too. I am working on those things but when I keep my feelings bottled up, I become bitter.

[NYCMasterplumber]

. Think about getting sex and having fun. Like I just did when I was in the USA for five weeks. No sex tho!!! :([/QUOTE]

I remember several encounters with married women visiting NYC and left their spouses home as they were on a shopping spree.

It never ceased to amaze me how wild in bed married women are in our age group who normally would be duds in bed.

A friend of mine was all for his wife and sister and a few of their friends to go to Vegas as he said he would give her a break and she would stay with the kids.

I am not quite sure what exactly happened but then she and her buddies decided to make it a Bi yearly thing going to Atlantic city etc

He made the biggest mistake of having her followed by a private detective and because he found out there was one hell of a messy divorce that lead to 3 others.

Sometimes what you know can hurt you and if you were in NYC without hubby there was no excuse not to indulge yourself..

[massage mike]

quite well

[Cotties]

does mark drink alot;) i'm stubborn and don't back down at all

[Kissie]

You mean he should not have done it.....And' he should change and I will be happy'' you say..?



No I am saying we should have made the desission together...isnt that what a marriage is all about??????

[Cotties]

I've never looked at it that way...doesn't that complicate things


how do you know who to blame if its a wrong decision
No I am saying we should have made the desission together...isnt that what a marriage is all about??????

[Kissie]

I've never looked at it that way...doesn't that complicate things


how do you know who to blame if its a wrong decision


To me there should be no blame if you make it together...it is a wave you ride together...
But with him making such a BIG disission on his own...and it is a disission that can change both our lives forever...I dont feel that it is fair...I would never say anything to him but it hurts that he did not trust me enough to help him make it with him...
It is not always fun being home alone worrying about him being in a war zone...and he does it for the money...money to me is not everything,,,I rather have him than the money...and there is a chance that in the end I may not have him...I know that I should not think that way...but it is hard not to!!!!

[Cotties]

you're a beautiful person kissie:kk To me there should be no blame if you make it together...it is a wave you ride together...
But with him making such a BIG disission on his own...and it is a disission that can change both our lives forever...I dont feel that it is fair...I would never say anything to him but it hurts that he did not trust me enough to help him make it with him...
It is not always fun being home alone worrying about him being in a war zone...and he does it for the money...money to me is not everything,,,I rather have him than the money...and there is a chance that in the end I may not have him...I know that I should not think that way...but it is hard not to!!!!

[Kissie]

you're a beautiful person kissie:kk



Dont know what I did to get that response but thank you very much!!!!! :kk :knuddel:

[UltimateNaneki]

Do you think you contribute to the conficts of the your marriage?And what do you do for it?Avoid, be obstinant or do nothing?


Yes I contribute to the conflicts in my marriage. I just refuse to fight about it anymore, so I ignore the problem. I guess I've also added some flames to the problem. We don't talk anymore and we ignore eachother. I bought a laptop so I can chat and spent even less time with him. I guess it's my fault that we've gone this far... But I refuse to give in! I can only see disaster ahead, it's only a matter of time!

[sparkle889beach]

There is no such thing as a "win-win" solution -- in fact, what you have is a "lose a little - lose a little" solution. Compromise means merely that you agree to settle for less than what you believe was the optimum solution.

In reality, all conflicts are "lose-lose" situations. A "win-lose" situation means that one person imposed their will on the other, to the undying enmity it creates. Even if your proposed solution is the ideal perfect answer to the problem, the other person, while recognizing your superiority, feels demeaned and embarrassed. Even if you win, you lost in the other person's eyes, because you had the temerity to point out his shortcomings.

I agree...it takes 2 to have a conflict...action-reaction...so yes, i do add to th conflict, or create a conflict to get the result I want...

[skysthelimit]

Do you think you contribute to the conficts of the your marriage?And what do you do for it?Avoid, be obstinant or do nothing?


yes, as long as I'm married to her, I'm sure I'll be contributing to the conflicts since there are always two sides to every conflict.

[sparkle889beach]

To me there should be no blame if you make it together...it is a wave you ride together...
But with him making such a BIG disission on his own...and it is a disission that can change both our lives forever...I dont feel that it is fair...I would never say anything to him but it hurts that he did not trust me enough to help him make it with him...
It is not always fun being home alone worrying about him being in a war zone...and he does it for the money...money to me is not everything,,,I rather have him than the money...and there is a chance that in the end I may not have him...I know that I should not think that way...but it is hard not to!!!!


He is lucky to have you:wa:

[nsamale]

I try to be calm cool and collected...but when shes yelling and cussing sometimes it gets hard...

[yaser]

Dont know what I did to get that response but thank you very much!!!!! :kk :knuddel:
Better think on Kissie..

[yaser]

yes, as long as I'm married to her, I'm sure I'll be contributing to the conflicts since there are always two sides to every conflict.
Better think what you do specifically to get that result..

[yaser]

I try to be calm cool and collected...but when shes yelling and cussing sometimes it gets hard...
But what you do do before she yells..

[thickitalian]

Thought it would be a good idea to post everyone's different thought process as to how they handle married life issues...major or minor. How are we able to keep our minds from getting depressed or how do we stop from "knee jerk" reactions whereby we hurt a loved one as we fail to think before we talk...how do we keep ourselves from these knee jerk reactions that only make matters worse and minor issues more serious? How do we stop from being frustrated and having depression set in? I realize this is a lot but whatever you want to contribute would be great!


Please do not use this thread to bash your spouse...I am trying to use this in a positive way and if you have nothing positive to say (and many of us won't) then feel free to read or just move on. I also am putting this in a thread that can be read by non-members and perhaps help them as well or even persuade them to join in knowing we are not only about sex here...

If this helps but one person...then it has been a successful thread in my mind.

:wa: :wa: :wa:

[Annie]

How are we able to keep our minds from getting depressed or how do we stop from "knee jerk" reactions whereby we hurt a loved one as we fail to think before we talk...how do we keep ourselves from these knee jerk reactions that only make matters worse and minor issues more serious? How do we stop from being frustrated and having depression set in?
I used to be pretty hard to get along with... (now I'm just a recluse) I was overly critical of whatever my husband did. I was looking at every "short coming" I could find in him. I found out that in doing that I missing his assets.... (and whoa what an asset he has!) He wasn't the problem, I was.

I think the best each of can do, is the best we can do. It's keeping your eye on the good stuff in the mean time that's the trick!

One of the most romantic things happened to me on Friday. I was cleaning out the storage area and pulled out a box that I thought only contained a couple of old mirrors. I asked my husband to take it out to the trash. He looked inside and he pulled out a 16X20" picture of a 1990 white limousine. I met him in that car... I remember the very day I saw him standing in front of that brand new limousine outside Arthur Andersen Worldwide Headquarters in St Charles...

It wasn't just a flood of memories that came rushing back, but I actually fell more in love with him too. (I'm getting that picture framed)

[ldon]

Thick, marriage happens and then you either grow with your spouse or you get rid of them. The funny thing about cheating is that it usually happens because of lack of sex. The grass isn't greener on the otherside but it's fun to munch on new varieties.
Why am I here? I miss romance.

[Operator Bob]

The way we address those minor issues are by taking the time to talk about our feelings about that particular issue. All too often, when my wife would share a unpleasant feeling I would react and think about what I could do to make her feel better. Sometimes I would think about what I did for her to have that feeling. Now I understand that all she wants is for me to listen to how she feels - don't fix it, don't change her feeling - just listen. She does the same for me.

We have also gone by the Dr. Phil-ism of "would you rather be happy than right." It is not important that we be right on everything. Many of our arguements have occured because one of us wanted to be right about a particular subject. You know, it wasn't important.

[Annie]

Thick, marriage happens and then you either grow with your spouse or you get rid of them. The funny thing about cheating is that it usually happens because of lack of sex. The grass isn't greener on the otherside but it's fun to munch on new varieties.
Why am I here? I miss romance. The greater question is why is there a lack of sex? A lack of sex is just a symptom, it's never the real issue!

[ldon]

It just gets old with the same person. Good example. My ex-wife was a hottie but when we went our sperate ways, we were sexless. About 6 months after divorce we hooked up and had the best sex of our lives. Just once though. I think back to to that night often.

[Operator Bob]

The greater question is why is there a lack of sex? A lack of sex is just a symptom, it's never the real issue!

You are right on, Annie. In my case it is not my wife - she is a saint! I know I am searching and I have to figure out what is missing and how to recapture that. It is certainly a symptom of something bigger.

[ZoeZachary]

Sometimes better and sometimes worse. We're working hard on resolving issues and it has helped over the years to occasionally bring in a therapist to work through some of the issues. We've learned many valuable things, but most of all we've learned that what causes our issues is a lack of understanding of one another. When my husband says something to me, I naturally interpret what he said using my own filtering system. My own filtering system is the sum total of all of my experiences and feelings about things. He is expressing himself using his own filtering system. It stands to reason that his filtering system is different than mine, because we grew up in different homes. What has helped the most is to ask for clarification, without having a knee jerk reaction and then parrot back what I think I heard. Sometimes when I parrot back what I think I heard, it's quite different than what my husband meant. He then has an opportunity to be clearer and I have an opportunity to react to what he actually said, rather than what I think is behind what he said.

[Annie]

Sometimes better and sometimes worse. We're working hard on resolving issues and it has helped over the years to occasionally bring in a therapist to work through some of the issues. We've learned many valuable things, but most of all we've learned that what causes our issues is a lack of understanding of one another. When my husband says something to me, I naturally interpret what he said using my own filtering system. My own filtering system is the sum total of all of my experiences and feelings about things. He is expressing himself using his own filtering system. It stands to reason that his filtering system is different than mine, because we grew up in different homes. What has helped the most is to ask for clarification, without having a knee jerk reaction and then parrot back what I think I heard. Sometimes when I parrot back what I think I heard, it's quite different than what my husband meant. He then has an opportunity to be clearer and I have an opportunity to react to what he actually said, rather than what I think is behind what he said. Excellent point! His filtering system is also different because he's a man!

It's often hard for me interpret my husband because I tend to over analyze things. I think men are pretty simple and it's hard for me to get the fact that when he says he doesn't like pea soup, it has nothing to do with how I cook!

[DarkRyder13]

Married problems should be handled by married couples....end of story

[RedVixen]

Handling married issues is not easy, it's something that needs to be worked on. I try not sweating the small stuff, they usually work themselves out. For major issues, talking it out is the best - but I find I write stuff out first (like in a journal) re-read it a couple of times and then go discuss how I feel with my husband. Done this way, 9 times out of 10 - it lessens the chance of a disagreement.

[JCcanU]

Talking with out fighting is the had part , trying to see eye to eye is not as easy as it seems . thats one nice thing about my wife is we dont fight we can talk she dont like a lot of things I do , but yet she under stands why Im the way I am . if talking dont work then its time to move on .

[Shadows]

We argue like cat and dog, but then kiss and make up and pay the bills, we call it " real lives"

[hoss]

After 17 years ...if u cant talk to each other ,then u wont be solving anything soon...

we talk about everything ,and if i keep it bottled up ,she can tell ,and she'll drag it out of me ...

[missgrace]

*sigh* i'm trying desperately to remain positive. in all that our life encompasses now.. we are in the throes of separating.. and he yells and is angry and negative.. but I keep it calm, low-key and try to talk quietly and note the positives.. it's been hard of late...

[Alonelyboy4u]

Better now that she is back. Talking things thru and being able to accept each others ways is most important.

[ZoeZachary]

it's hard for me to get the fact that when he says he doesn't like pea soup, it has nothing to do with how I cook!-Annie

Yes. I think many of us reinterpret what is said by hearing a message that was not said. This is why, when I have the urge to add to the message said, I have learned to stop and ask for clarification and also to say what I believe I heard as the meaning behind the message. It's definitely helpful.

[Wil]

we don't...i'm just doing time

[G...G]

Communication and more communication.......

Besides the marriage basics of my husband caring, giving, trusting, and respecting me, I also want to know that my husband enjoys spending time with me, even when we're not really doing anything together, but just sitting in the same room together. I trust that he wouldn't be uncomfortable telling me his feelings about certain issues in his life because I want to be supportive to him.

I would like to know that my husband is comfortable in expressing to me what's on his mind. I want to be my husband's sounding board when he needs to get matters off his chest. Some things might be left for the guys, and that's ok, but there are also many issues left just for couples that I feel are sacred between a man and wife. It is those personal or touchy issues that only husband and wife share in because they are married.

If my husband doesn't tell me his feelings, how can I give him what he wants and needs from me? Proper communication between couples is so very important, especially proper communication of feelings.

I want my husband to listen to me. I need that from him. I want to be able to express to my husband my feelings and thoughts on any given issue or subject going on in my life without his opinion on the matter, or without him trying to fix it, or worse yet, fix me.

Often times, I just want someone else to talk to besides the lady friends in my life. This is what brings me balance and closeness in my relationship with my husband. I like it when my husband just sits and listens to me without interrupting with his own thoughts or advice on the subject. This makes me feel connected to my husband instead of being married to myself.

I feel good about myself and marriage when my husband takes the time to hear me out without interjecting or trying to amend every little issue inside of me. I usually know how to fix the problem anyway, I just need to get it out of my system first, so I can focus more of my positive energy on the issue at hand so I can fix it! A wife needs a supportive husband in this arena.

If I ever do need a solution to an issue, I will ask my husband what he thinks about it, and most of the time, ladies, his solution is reasonable and fitting, which makes me wish I had asked for his advice or opinion earlier. Men are natural born problem solvers, and that is why they jump on the bandwagon every time they see something needs fixed. I wish they would put just a little bit more effort into their marriage because there would be far less divorce in this country if men would put their problem solving abilities back into their marriages!

Marriage should be an intimate connection that husband and wife share together as a team. Have you ever noticed how some couples seem to know how to make the most out of their marriage? They flatter one another with their personalities and unique abilities, and they make the most of each other's strengths, and even weaknesses.

This is the kind of emotional connection a woman needs and wants with her man. She wants to feel married to her husband, and all he's got to do is listen with a sympathetic ear.

So.... again.. COMMUNICATION.. without you have nothing!!

Gosh.. I am sorry ya'll.. I feel like I just wrote a book but at least I got it off my mind. lol

[Wil]

Communication and more communication.......

Besides the marriage basics of my husband caring, giving, trusting, and respecting me, I also want to know that my husband enjoys spending time with me, even when we're not really doing anything together, but just sitting in the same room together. I trust that he wouldn't be uncomfortable telling me his feelings about certain issues in his life because I want to be supportive to him.

I would like to know that my husband is comfortable in expressing to me what's on his mind. I want to be my husband's sounding board when he needs to get matters off his chest. Some things might be left for the guys, and that's ok, but there are also many issues left just for couples that I feel are sacred between a man and wife. It is those personal or touchy issues that only husband and wife share in because they are married.

If my husband doesn't tell me his feelings, how can I give him what he wants and needs from me? Proper communication between couples is so very important, especially proper communication of feelings.

I want my husband to listen to me. I need that from him. I want to be able to express to my husband my feelings and thoughts on any given issue or subject going on in my life without his opinion on the matter, or without him trying to fix it, or worse yet, fix me.

Often times, I just want someone else to talk to besides the lady friends in my life. This is what brings me balance and closeness in my relationship with my husband. I like it when my husband just sits and listens to me without interrupting with his own thoughts or advice on the subject. This makes me feel connected to my husband instead of being married to myself.

I feel good about myself and marriage when my husband takes the time to hear me out without interjecting or trying to amend every little issue inside of me. I usually know how to fix the problem anyway, I just need to get it out of my system first, so I can focus more of my positive energy on the issue at hand so I can fix it! A wife needs a supportive husband in this arena.

If I ever do need a solution to an issue, I will ask my husband what he thinks about it, and most of the time, ladies, his solution is reasonable and fitting, which makes me wish I had asked for his advice or opinion earlier. Men are natural born problem solvers, and that is why they jump on the bandwagon every time they see something needs fixed. I wish they would put just a little bit more effort into their marriage because there would be far less divorce in this country if men would put their problem solving abilities back into their marriages!

Marriage should be an intimate connection that husband and wife share together as a team. Have you ever noticed how some couples seem to know how to make the most out of their marriage? They flatter one another with their personalities and unique abilities, and they make the most of each other's strengths, and even weaknesses.

This is the kind of emotional connection a woman needs and wants with her man. She wants to feel married to her husband, and all he's got to do is listen with a sympathetic ear.

So.... again.. COMMUNICATION.. without you have nothing!!

Gosh.. I am sorry ya'll.. I feel like I just wrote a book but at least I got it off my mind. lol

I'll give you her cell phone number...that was very good...

[wvromanticmale]

Great posts Zoe, Georgia, and Annie.
You know...they say that when a boy is being formed in him mom's womb his brain receives a bath of a certain chemical that (ladies say causes brain damage) guys think is a enhancement. The chemical severs the connections between the left and right hemisphere of the brain. Therefore he is not wired like a lady. He is wired more to do, or act more than to feel.
I think the most scary words a guy can hear his lady say is,"Honey ...we need to talk". He usually knows he is going to get a verbal beating. A woman knows so much more about relationships than a guy usually. He many times feels out gunned and feels that no matter what he says...it will come out wrong and just fuel the fire of the current problem.
I think that is why it is so important to take the time to consider not just what is being said but the heart felt intent. We have sometimes had to add active listening skills to help us.

Anyway...I said all that to say ....you guys had some really nice posts.

[G...G]

And yours was great too wv!!

[GeekMaster]

Communication and more communication.......

Besides the marriage basics of my husband caring, giving, trusting...
...I am sorry ya'll.. I feel like I just wrote a book but at least I got it off my mind. lol

Georgia, will you marry me???:)

[G...G]

LOL:D



Georgia, will you marry me???:)

[spare_change]

Communication and more communication.......

.....................................

So.... again.. COMMUNICATION.. without you have nothing!!l



I don't want to communicate -- I want to fuck! If I wanted to communicate, I'd buy a freakin' radio!

[MIGHTY]

Oh, this is easy.....I don't anymore......:)

[slick69]

Thought it would be a good idea to post everyone's different thought process as to how they handle married life issues...major or minor. How are we able to keep our minds from getting depressed or how do we stop from "knee jerk" reactions whereby we hurt a loved one as we fail to think before we talk...how do we keep ourselves from these knee jerk reactions that only make matters worse and minor issues more serious? How do we stop from being frustrated and having depression set in? I realize this is a lot but whatever you want to contribute would be great!


Please do not use this thread to bash your spouse...I am trying to use this in a positive way and if you have nothing positive to say (and many of us won't) then feel free to read or just move on. I also am putting this in a thread that can be read by non-members and perhaps help them as well or even persuade them to join in knowing we are not only about sex here...

If this helps but one person...then it has been a successful thread in my mind.

:wa: :wa: :wa:
we almost got divorced within the last year after 17 yrs of marriage and we beat each other down was the problem. We started listening to Jimmy Evans Cd's. Its all about what men and women are supposed to be and what we are naturaly. It's an excellent source of info. I now treat my wife with emotion, which I never did and its what women need. Emotional affection. Men need sex, and since these cd's I get sex at least 4-5 times a week, and it's awesome. Our communication level went through the roof and I cant wait to get home to her. After 17 yrs I want to ask her to marry me again. So, you tell me. The cd's worked great.

[Sunfiresix]

we actually were almost always able to come to mutual agreement, few times--I gave in quick so no spat.

[ldon]

Another thought is don't get married if you constantly see red flags pop up during your engagement. Good example is my ex-wife and I. Not to bash her , it turns out she is bi-polar. Should have picked up on it. I guess I did, just chose to ignore it.

[yaser]

I will not marry again..I believe it is the best solution..If you are married you head aches..

[mysticalwinter]

Marriage issues....that's a big one. We try to work things out together as a team, but usually I am the captain of that team and usually you do what the captain says. I would rather him take charge of more things that come up in our daily lives, but unfortuanally it is usually myself that does.

[pointofnoreturn]

Paper,rock, scissors..

[yaser]

Marriage issues....that's a big one. We try to work things out together as a team, but usually I am the captain of that team and usually you do what the captain says. I would rather him take charge of more things that come up in our daily lives, but unfortuanally it is usually myself that does.
Mystical captian does not make anything but have others make it for her..Can make anythin :lf g for you?

[mysticalwinter]

OK I am the captain and the first mate all in one. I give the orders and then do them too. Funny how that works.

[yaser]

OK I am the captain and the first mate all in one. I give the orders and then do them too. Funny how that works.
How many crew have worked on you Mystical?

[mysticalwinter]

I was speaking about my family. LOL Although having a mental picture of a group of men around me just begging for me to give them orders........I could get use to that

[yaser]

I was speaking about my family. LOL Although having a mental picture of a group of men around me just begging for me to give them orders........I could get use to that
How many?More than 10?

[mysticalwinter]

I was thinking more than 10

[yaser]

I was thinking more than 10
I have met efficient ladies but never met the one like you..but I wonder how you can manage them....

[Sneaky]

Thought it would be a good idea to post everyone's different thought process as to how they handle married life issues...major or minor. How are we able to keep our minds from getting depressed or how do we stop from "knee jerk" reactions whereby we hurt a loved one as we fail to think before we talk...how do we keep ourselves from these knee jerk reactions that only make matters worse and minor issues more serious? How do we stop from being frustrated and having depression set in? I realize this is a lot but whatever you want to contribute would be great!


Please do not use this thread to bash your spouse...I am trying to use this in a positive way and if you have nothing positive to say (and many of us won't) then feel free to read or just move on. I also am putting this in a thread that can be read by non-members and perhaps help them as well or even persuade them to join in knowing we are not only about sex here...

If this helps but one person...then it has been a successful thread in my mind.

:wa: :wa: :wa:





I just heard on the radio today that a good indicator of the success of a relationship is the way each member of the couple treats one another’s successes. I try to be happy and encouraging. I try to forgive. I try to really look at him as the person I married. I try to stop what I am doing and really listen to him. I try to remember I am not perfect. I try to be kind. The key word here is try. I don't always succeed. He doesn't either.



I am just beginning to realize that you need to really love yourself and take care of your own needs before you can really love someone else. I don't mean this in an "I need this and forget what you need". I mean that if certain needs are not being met, and you are depressed or frustrated, or resentful, you are not going to be a productive member of the marriage, and things can spiral quickly after that. If there is an area you can take control of, the marriage will benefit, if you do it with kindness and discretion, and respect for your spouse.



There are times that out of the blue when I look at him and almost as a surprise I get this feeling that I'm sure we will make it, we are going to be ok. We have been through so much, survived so much, and I feel grateful.



There are days when I'm certain we will never make it. I think to myself what could we have been thinking to get married? We have both changed and grown in different directions since taking our vows. Every day I seem to be discovering new parts of myself that I didn't know existed. Factors I neither of us were prepared for entered the equation. I worry what would become of him without me and me without him. I have been with him for half my life.



And then there are days, most days, when I just put one foot in front of the other and do the best I can on that given day, and hope that is enough. I count my blessings, and keep trying.

[ldon]

I used to try and not rock the boat-avoid confrontations. Communication did not exit. It didn't help that my ex-wife was bipolar. I saw a shrink (marriage councelor) and so did she. THe shrink finally told me to cut my losses. Sometimes, that's the best course. You have to ask yourself why you are together.

[Jy]

Another excellent topic, my friend.

I try to focus on the good qualities of my husband. Everyone has their faults. I wouldn't want him to focus on just my shortcomings, so it would be unfair of me to do that to him. If you treat your partner the way you want to be treated, that goes a long way to keeping the peace. How would you want your partner to ask you something? Do you want to hear, "How many times have I told you to put your damn shoes away?!" I know it wouldn't insprire me to want to jump off the couch!
I know I'm tidier than my husband. I also know he doesn't leave his shoes in front of the door just to spite me. He's absent-minded, that's all. I've learned that thanking him for what he's done rather than reminding him of what he's forgetten keeps both of us happy. Because although I tripped over his shoes coming in the door, I know that he didn't put them away because our son was begging him to play checkers with him and that they're snuggled up on the couch right now, playfully challenging each other to the best of seven games.

Pick your battles. Life is too short to nitpick about shoes and toilet seats.
Thought it would be a good idea to post everyone's different thought process as to how they handle married life issues...major or minor. How are we able to keep our minds from getting depressed or how do we stop from "knee jerk" reactions whereby we hurt a loved one as we fail to think before we talk...how do we keep ourselves from these knee jerk reactions that only make matters worse and minor issues more serious? How do we stop from being frustrated and having depression set in? I realize this is a lot but whatever you want to contribute would be great!


Please do not use this thread to bash your spouse...I am trying to use this in a positive way and if you have nothing positive to say (and many of us won't) then feel free to read or just move on. I also am putting this in a thread that can be read by non-members and perhaps help them as well or even persuade them to join in knowing we are not only about sex here...

If this helps but one person...then it has been a successful thread in my mind.

:wa: :wa: :wa:

[Micwar]

I knew I married a control freak so we really don't have many conflicts. I give my opinion and then she decides what she wants to do. If we are in agreement then that's it done deal. When we disagree sometime she goes with her decision and some times with mine, she has to decide (in her own mind) cause she's a freakin control freak.

If I decide and it goes wrong I never hear the end of it (forced my decision twice) once worked and one didn't....no credit for the good decision, but I still don't hear the end of the wrong one. Now that she makes all the calls (with my input) if it goes the wrong way, I still get blamed, but can tell her it was your decision.....

See we all have our burdens to bear....

[wall-flower]

I know for a fact I add to the conflicts. I am very stubborn and independent. When I get mad I tend to just simmer in it. I don't want to talk about it. Hubby wants to analyze it to death. So small things turn into battle of who gets there way and not even about the "small issue"

[yaser]

I know for a fact I add to the conflicts. I am very stubborn and independent. When I get mad I tend to just simmer in it. I don't want to talk about it. Hubby wants to analyze it to death. So small things turn into battle of who gets there way and not even about the "small issue"
Wallflower,welcome.I have not met you before...You are not lady but a powerful state..

[MIGHTY]

....divorce them.

[sawflyman]

....divorce them.

That's what I like about you straight to the point................lol

[cherokeered]

....divorce them.


Yup...:55

[1hotmommy]

I definitely think I have contributed to some of the problems in my marriage. Unfortunately, instead of facing them, I tend to avoid them and hope they go away, even though I know they won't

[ldon]

Well geez, I wonder if it takes just one person to mess up a marriage. No, definitely, it's always the woman's fault for marrying the guy in the first place.