Jokes/Games/Stories

[tiger50]

LOL Tiger brilliant as per usual...................

An Irishman arrived in Australia and went into a pub in the Outback where he asked for a glass and, having pissed into it, drank it. He then walked out the door, into the chook house and proceeded to knock the hens off their perches prior to going to the paddock, where he lifted the tail of a cow and put his ear to its anus. When he returned to the bar a few minutes later, the publican asked him to explain his strange conduct.

“Before I left Dublin,” he said, “I met an Aussie who said there are 3 things I had to do to be a real Australian. Drink the piss. Knock off the birds. And listen to the bullshit.”:lmao

lol bluddie irish wankers.... hey u think trev has irish blood????:lmao

[Norfolkdave]

lol bluddie irish wankers.... hey u think trev has irish blood????:lmao

Nuh hes ordinary.......:D

[tiger50]

With our little chipolatas, suck in, once round the gums, bite chew and swallow:D

email one mate an i'll try it on the missus....


The George Carlin Theory:
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death.
What's that, a bonus? I think the lifecycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby; you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating. . .and you finish off as an orgasm."
--George Carlin

[Norfolkdave]

Oh man you get worse...LOL Brilliant Im in full agreeance there, then life wouldnt be a bitch.:lmao

[tiger50]

Oh man you get worse...LOL Brilliant Im in full agreeance there, then life wouldnt be a bitch.:lmao

yep , i like the last bit.... :whee:

[tiger50]

Nuh hes ordinary.......:D

Trev, ordinary??? shit mate he won the trashes..... :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

Trev, ordinary??? shit mate he won the trashes..... :lmao

Did He when! he went away Friday I believe, its tonight he has to play otherwise hes roasted.:D

[tiger50]

Did He when! he went away Friday I believe, its tonight he has to play otherwise hes roasted.:D
yeh he got awarded the inaurgural cup fa bein the biggest wanker, orrrr was i pissed... :whee: :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

yeh he got awarded the inaurgural cup fa bein the biggest wanker, orrrr was i pissed... :whee: :lmao

Yes you were right Im wrong sorry, shall I present it to him tonight then or will you:D

[tiger50]

Yes you were right Im wrong sorry, shall I present it to him tonight then or will you:D

leave it ta beaver,,, eh noooo u do it mate , i wont be ere much longer...
now the slashes.. any thoughts???? :sc

[Norfolkdave]

leave it ta beaver,,, eh noooo u do it mate , i wont be ere much longer...
now the slashes.. any thoughts???? :sc

Oh yes its bedtime for you soon I forget your 11 hours in front, "The slashes" you decide :D

[tiger50]

Oh yes its bedtime for you soon I forget your 11 hours in front, "The slashes" you decide :D
mmm biggest female wanker... i think penny for the vibrating panties.... :55

[Norfolkdave]

mmm biggest female wanker... i think penny for the vibrating panties.... :55

If shes on tonight I,ll tell her then and you present the cup, and we,ll have to keep a little book to see whose who:wa:

[tiger50]

If shes on tonight I,ll tell her then and you present the cup, and we,ll have to keep a little book to see whose who:wa:

kk done, were creatin history ere mate.... :D

[Zifnab]

kk done, were creatin history ere mate.... :D
And the women and children are running for shelter!
that is mone of the most frightening things I have read in a long time!

[Norfolkdave]

And the women and children are running for shelter!
that is mone of the most frightening things I have read in a long time!

What us creating history! LOL we are safe:D

[sweetgapeach]

shittttt took me a while to recover from this one...

Shhhhh!!!!!! Were hunting Wabbits
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks:
"Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy black wabbit or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabbit over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:
"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a f***"


:lmao Good one !!

[rebelxug]

What Starts with F and ends with K

>>>

>>> A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of

>>> her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

>>>

>>> Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in

>>> the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in

>>> the 3rd grade too!"

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

>>>

>>> While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the

>>> principal what the situation was.

>>> The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he

>>> failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st

>>> grade and behave. She agreed.

>>>

>>> Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he

>>> agreed to take the test.

>>>

>>> Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

>>>

>>> Harry: "9."

>>>

>>>

>>> Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

>>>

>>> Harry: "36."

>>>

>>> And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd

>>> grader should know.

>>>

>>> The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can

>>> go to the 3rd grade."

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

>>>

>>> The principal and Harry both agreed.

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two

>>> of?"

>>>

>>> Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

>>>

>>> The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

>>>

>>> Harry replied: "Pockets."

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

>>>

>>> Harry: "Pants."

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,

>>> delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

>>>

>>> Harry: "Coconut."

>>>

>>> The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and

>>> sticky?"

>>>

>>> The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the

>>> answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting

>>> down and a dog does on three legs?"

>>>

>>> Harry: "Shake hands."

>>>

>>> The principal was trembling.

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means

>>> a lot of heat and excitement?"

>>>

>>> Harry: "Firetruck."

>>>

>>> The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put

>>> Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

>>> "

[Zifnab]

I would have been back in first grade!

[sweetgapeach]

What Starts with F and ends with K

>>>

>>> A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of

>>> her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

>>>

>>> Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in

>>> the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in

>>> the 3rd grade too!"

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

>>>

>>> While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the

>>> principal what the situation was.

>>> The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he

>>> failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st

>>> grade and behave. She agreed.

>>>

>>> Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he

>>> agreed to take the test.

>>>

>>> Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

>>>

>>> Harry: "9."

>>>

>>>

>>> Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

>>>

>>> Harry: "36."

>>>

>>> And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd

>>> grader should know.

>>>

>>> The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can

>>> go to the 3rd grade."

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

>>>

>>> The principal and Harry both agreed.

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two

>>> of?"

>>>

>>> Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

>>>

>>> The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

>>>

>>> Harry replied: "Pockets."

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

>>>

>>> Harry: "Pants."

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,

>>> delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

>>>

>>> Harry: "Coconut."

>>>

>>> The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and

>>> sticky?"

>>>

>>> The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the

>>> answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting

>>> down and a dog does on three legs?"

>>>

>>> Harry: "Shake hands."

>>>

>>> The principal was trembling.

>>>

>>> Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means

>>> a lot of heat and excitement?"

>>>

>>> Harry: "Firetruck."

>>>

>>> The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put

>>> Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

>>> "












Kills me , too Funny !!

[Norfolkdave]

http://us.st11.yimg.com/store1.yimg.com/I/eprice_1882_17782730 (javascript:makeWin('http://store1.yimg.com/I/eprice_1878_28333181',685,550);)A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path.



"Oh, dear," the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying, "Be careful next time!"

She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way. Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with the same problem.

"Now I've had it!" She whinned. "What have you all been doing?" And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale and tended the duck.

She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. "Hey, you, lady!" sounded a male voice in distress.

"Yes?" she replied.

"Do you have a Kleenex?"

"No, not anymore," she answered. "Too bad. I guess I'll just have to use another duck."

[Trev]

http://us.st11.yimg.com/store1.yimg.com/I/eprice_1882_17782730 (http://javascript<b></b>:makeWin('http://store1.yimg.com/I/eprice_1878_28333181',685,550);)A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path.



"Oh, dear," the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying, "Be careful next time!"

She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way. Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with the same problem.

"Now I've had it!" She whinned. "What have you all been doing?" And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale and tended the duck.

She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. "Hey, you, lady!" sounded a male voice in distress.

"Yes?" she replied.

"Do you have a Kleenex?"

"No, not anymore," she answered. "Too bad. I guess I'll just have to use another duck."

:nu

[Norfolkdave]

:nu

oops:wa:Lucky I didnt know about the 3rd leg too:D

[rebelxug]

Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread -- on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would.

When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself.

Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"

"No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'...

[Sandy]

lol there all good, thanks for the laugh. :lmao

[SirFox]

lol there all good, thanks for the laugh. :lmao

REBEL ...That was great!

[Jy]

All good ones guys! Thanks for the laugh!:D

[belfast]

To: If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.

[SirFox]

To: If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.....

... my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.[/size]


The moral of the story is : If you look around with an intent to do more than just get trimmed, then you must suffer the consequences.

[Norfolkdave]

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/e/e0/Dirtyduck.jpg/200px-Dirtyduck.jpg (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Dirtyduck.jpg)The truth behind Trev.....:lmao

[MCat]

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad,
why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Davie, looking worried, said,

"Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy
Mom."

[pastryman]

:lmao good one :D

[Trev]

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/e/e0/Dirtyduck.jpg/200px-Dirtyduck.jpg (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image<img%20src=)The truth behind Trev.....:lmao

Your just jealous. :D

[Norfolkdave]

Your just jealous. :D

LOL of a duck wheres me gun!!!!:lmao

[sweetgapeach]

Subject: New Computer viruses.
>
>
>
>
>
> The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for
viruses of mass destruction.
>
> The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and
causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.
>
> The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive ; with NO memory
>
> The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and
re-counting
>
> The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
>
> The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
e-mails everyone about what it did
>
> The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but
will be back
>
> The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes
>
> The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to! 100 GB,
then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB
>
> The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted
>
> The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor
doesn't care
>
> The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files
>
> The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch
floppy ... then discards it through Windows
>
>

[Norfolkdave]

Well well Sweet absolutely brillant, dont tell Trev or he,ll want a piece of the action ( ie virus)

[Zifnab]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs,
to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target
unsuspecting men. The drug is typically found in liquid form and is now
available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and
in large "kegs."

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman
needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then
simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered
helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often
succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to
whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men
often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them
the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad"
occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life
savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been
reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to
entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and
punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more
susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered
by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women with a
sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the
predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with
venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking
encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected,
like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the
yellow pages !

[italian_princess0420]

>
> Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to
> the call.
> The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked
> Kathleen, a
> 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her
> Mommy so he could
> see
> while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently,
> Kathleen did as she
> was asked.
> Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while
> Connor was
> born.
> The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
> spanked him on his
> bottom.
> Connor began to cry.
> The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and
> asked the
> wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she
> had just
> witnessed.
> Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled
> in there
> in
> the first place......... smack his ass again!

[italian_princess0420]

You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

***
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

***

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:

"Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."

***

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

***

A woman is incomplete until she is married.

Then she is finished.

***

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

***

Young son:

"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

***



Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,

and by then, it was too late."

***

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence

***

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

***

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

***

First guy: "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

***
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.



***


Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.



a blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

[italian_princess0420]

Subject: Fwd: Tips for a Woman




Five Tips For a Woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[italian_princess0420]

Olaf and Sven went fishing..
>
> Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding
> he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
>
> "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied.
>
> Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10
inches
> long.
>
> Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his
hands.
>
> "Vhere did yew git dat monster??"
>
> "Vell", replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."
>
> You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
>
> Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.
>
> "Could I see him?"
>
> So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.
>
> Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
> master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
>
> "Yes, I will," says the genie.
>
> So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back
> into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his
million
> bucks.
>
> Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
ducks
> flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at
Olaf.
>
> "Yumpin' Yimmny I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
>
> Oh Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew
> really
> tink I asked for a 10 inch bic?

[tiger50]

Subject: If men wrote Cosmopolitan...

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved?

If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?

A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?

A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out--while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "after play?"

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "After play" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

[kissiemybuttie]

A lonely Old Maid, age 70, decided it was time to get married.

She put an ad in the local paper:



HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70'S)

MUST NOT BEAT ME

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME

MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON ONLY!



On the second day she heard the door bell ring. She opened the door and much to her dismay, saw a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said "You're not really asking me to consider you? You have no legs."The Old Man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you." She snorted, "You don't have any arms either." Again he smiled, "Nor can I beat you."

She raised her eyebrow and gazed intently, "Are you still good in bed? With that the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, " I rang the doorbell didn't I.

[Sandy]

lol i like it. :D :lmao

[SirFox]

Excellent KISSIE....I will remember that I won't need a cane if I am ever in a wheelchair.....

[kissiemybuttie]

Excellent KISSIE....I will remember that I won't need a cane if I am ever in a wheelchair.....



Glad you liked it...i am still rolling on the floor!!!

[belfast]

Subject: Cutting back

After our last child was born, my wife told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

[Sunfiresix]

Subject: Cutting back

After our last child was born, my wife told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

Did the slap in the face hurt much?? :whee: :lmao:lmao:lmao

[tiger50]

Did the slap in the face hurt much?? :whee: :lmao:lmao:lmao

lol think irish is heading towards the next trashes award.....:lmao

[Sandy]

i would have done more than slap his face. :D :na :nu

[spare_change]

And, of course, we all heard about the Aussie walks in the house one day with a sheep on a leash, and sez, "This is the pig I been fucking!"

His wife yells, "You wanker! That ain't a pig - it's a sheep!"

"Shut up, woman, I wasn't talkin' to you!"

[Sandy]

lol very funny spare. :lmao

[tiger50]

And, of course, we all heard about the Aussie walks in the house one day with a sheep on a leash, and sez, "This is the pig I been fucking!"

His wife yells, "You wanker! That ain't a pig - it's a sheep!"

"Shut up, woman, I wasn't talkin' to you!"

very funny spare... :lmao :lmao :lmao :nu

[Zpanther]

And, of course, we all heard about the Aussie walks in the house one day with a sheep on a leash, and sez, "This is the pig I been fucking!"

His wife yells, "You wanker! That ain't a pig - it's a sheep!"

"Shut up, woman, I wasn't talkin' to you!"


I DO like your sense of humor. Contrary to what some might think, I think we'd get along just fine......... ;)

[Sandy]

lol you know what zpanther i think you guys would get along great.

[tiger50]

I DO like your sense of humor. Contrary to what some might think, I think we'd get along just fine......... ;)

kkkk guys 2 points to you and spare for the next trashes cup...:nu

[tiger50]

For Trev.....lol



A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly, a little white duck,
all covered with shit, crossed her path.

"Oh, dear", the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse
and did a good job. After that she urged the duck away, "Be careful next time!"

She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little animal. She warned this one as well and the duck took off.

Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem. "Now I have had it!" She screamed, "what have you been doing?" And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale.

She walked on - suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes.

"Hey, you, lady!", sounded a male voice in distress.

"Yes?" she replied.

"Do you have a Kleenex?"

"Not anymore, no.", she answered.

"Too bad, I'll have to use another duck."

[tiger50]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man." The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Norfolkdave]

Something like this I presume...Trev in Drag............

[Norfolkdave]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..........
"You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!:lmao

[tiger50]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..........
"You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!:lmao

awww farkkkk :lmao :lmao :lmao good one mate... :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

And heres another that may help you get through the day

A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his hands. He's moaning something about 'They took my car!'. Seeing he is quite well dressed, the cop thinks he may have a real case of theft on his hands and proceeds to question the man.
"What are your car keys doing out?"
"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those ba**ards stole it! Please ossifer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; right on my key!
"OK, OK, stand up, let's get some more information. (he stands the man up, and notices his penis is hanging out). Aw s**t mister, your dick is hanging out, would you put that thing away!"
The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams, "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!":lmao

[tiger50]

And heres another that may help you get through the day

A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his hands. He's moaning something about 'They took my car!'. Seeing he is quite well dressed, the cop thinks he may have a real case of theft on his hands and proceeds to question the man.
"What are your car keys doing out?"
"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those ba**ards stole it! Please ossifer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; right on my key!
"OK, OK, stand up, let's get some more information. (he stands the man up, and notices his penis is hanging out). Aw s**t mister, your dick is hanging out, would you put that thing away!"
The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams, "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!":lmao

hahahahahahahhaha.. shitttttttttttt :lmao :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling 'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!':lmao

[tiger50]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling 'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!':lmao

u see that one belfast.. aww shit....lol.... :lmao :lmao :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

One Wish

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one
of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated
that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
we're going to have to piss in the boat."

[tiger50]

One Wish

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one
of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated
that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
we're going to have to piss in the boat."

hahahahahahahahaha. aww farkk, good one mate.... :lmao :lmao :lmao

[ravinghussy]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man." The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


lolololol
heres 1
a bear and a rabbit were in the woods - the bear says 2 the rabbit do u have trouble with shit stickin 2 ur fur? the rabbit said no -so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit

[Norfolkdave]

Lol not bad not bad..............................heres another

A drunk was sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and raises her arm really high to get the bartender's attention. She has very hairy armpits.
The drunk sees this and yells at the bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink."
She gets her drink and goes away. Later she returns and raises her arm again.
The drunk sees her and yells to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink."
She gets her drink and goes away again. The bartender asks the drunk how he knows she is a ballerina when she was a stranger and had never been in the bar before.
The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift her leg that high."

[kissiemybuttie]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!


Now that is something I would do!!! OMG and I was born a blonde...Please dont take this wrong anyone...I just thought it was a goodie!!!!!

[cuddles]

that was great kissiemybutt tell me more and make my day:lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao :D

[Sandy]

oh that was funny kissie, thanks for the laugh. :lmao

[Sunfiresix]

That was great Kissie.

[bonzzz4292]

very nice kiss. where did you find that one? if you have more pass them on to us here. lol

:D

[kissiemybuttie]

Hey Mark...got that in a email from a friend.....and sorry guys aint got anymore at the moment...but if i do i will share them with ya!!!!!

[Sandy]

cool thanks kissie. :kk

[Norfolkdave]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room

[tiger50]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room


hahahhahahhaaaaaa farkk god one mate.. yessssssss:D :lmao

[Sandy]

all i can say is, eeeewwwwwwwww dav. :lmao

[belfast]

30 THINGS STRESSED PEOPLE MAY SAY AT WORK





Okay, Okay! I take it back. Unscrew You!
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren't we a dam ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and
senseless acts of self-control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't
gone to sleep yet!
16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder .. my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
30. Look in my eyes ... Do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit?

[tiger50]

good stuff irish.......:lmao

[tiger50]

This guy wakes up one morning and, as usual, goes to his living
room and pulls up the shade covering his picture window. As he starts
to turn he sees a large gorilla up in the tree in his front yard. Not
knowing what to do, he calls 000. The operator tells him that there is
a city wide hunt going on for this gorilla, and that a special team
will be sent right over to retrieve it.
Twenty minutes later a van pulls up in front of his house and a
man comes running up to the door. The guy answers the door and points
the gorilla out to the man.
The man says, "I'm gonna need your help to capture this big gorilla!"
The guy says, "What the hell am I gonna do?"
The man takes him out to his van and opens the back door. He takes out
a pair of hand cuffs, a bulldog and a shot gun. "Here's what we're
gonna do. I'll climb up in the tree and start shaking the limbs until
the gorilla falls out. When he hits the ground, that bulldog is gonna
bite him on the balls, then the gorilla is gonna throw his hands up in
the air and all you gotta do is snap the hand cuffs on him and we got him."
"Ok, sounds easy enough, but," says the guy. "what is that shotgun for?"
"Oh yeah", says the man. "If I fall out of the tree first, shoot the dog!"

[Sunfiresix]

This guy wakes up one morning and, as usual, goes to his living
room and pulls up the shade covering his picture window. As he starts
to turn he sees a large gorilla up in the tree in his front yard. Not
knowing what to do, he calls 000. The operator tells him that there is
a city wide hunt going on for this gorilla, and that a special team
will be sent right over to retrieve it.
Twenty minutes later a van pulls up in front of his house and a
man comes running up to the door. The guy answers the door and points
the gorilla out to the man.
The man says, "I'm gonna need your help to capture this big gorilla!"
The guy says, "What the hell am I gonna do?"
The man takes him out to his van and opens the back door. He takes out
a pair of hand cuffs, a bulldog and a shot gun. "Here's what we're
gonna do. I'll climb up in the tree and start shaking the limbs until
the gorilla falls out. When he hits the ground, that bulldog is gonna
bite him on the balls, then the gorilla is gonna throw his hands up in
the air and all you gotta do is snap the hand cuffs on him and we got him."
"Ok, sounds easy enough, but," says the guy. "what is that shotgun for?"
"Oh yeah", says the man. "If I fall out of the tree first, shoot the dog!"

very good:D :lmao:lmao

[Sandy]

lol tiger where do u find these jokes ?

[tiger50]

lol tiger where do u find these jokes ?

lol thats a secret....


With his balls nearly on fire, a horny rat was tearing down the jungle path.
Spying a parrot up in a tree, he screeched to a halt and propositioned the bird.
No go. In growing desperation, the rat took off once more and shortly thereafter
noticed a monkey swinging through some vines up ahead. But the monkey, too,
turned him down cold. With his aching balls now nearly dragging on the ground,
the rat resumed his feverish search for something to put it to. At length he saw an
elephant browsing beside the trail. Racing up to her, he panted, "Hey, moma, want
to get it rough and hard?"
The elephant looked him over, sorta smiled, and replied, "What the hell. Hop on
and show me your best stuff." So the rat jumped up on her and started going at it.
Just as he was really hitting his stride, a coconut fell from the tree over head and
struck the elephant right between the eyes. "Ouch!" she yelled.
The rat paused in mid-stroke and said triumphantly, "Suffer, bitch! Suffer!"

[tiger50]

Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, Mick and Dave said their
final good-byes to their good mate, Gazza.
"Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, mate", said Mick. "The food
was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed fuckin'
your wife".
At the first petrol stop, Dave turned to Mick and said, "I hope you weren't
serious about enjoying fuckin' his wife!"
"No", Mick confessed, "I can't say that I enjoyed it, but I didn't want to
hurt Gazza's feelin's".

[Sandy]

lol you crack me up tiger. thanks:lmao

[Sunfiresix]

very funny spare... :lmao :lmao :lmao :nu

Was that story in the news????:lmao:lmao

[tiger50]

Was that story in the news????:lmao:lmao

lol possibly mate.... :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

Whenever a man has something to say, you can be sure a woman always has to have her say in the end...

He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said... No problem, I'll get you some that is.
:lmao
She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

Priest... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said... Who's gonna look?

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said... No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

[tiger50]

Whenever a man has something to say, you can be sure a woman always has to have her say in the end...

He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said... No problem, I'll get you some that is.

She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

Priest... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said... Who's gonna look?

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said... No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

lol 2 wanker points fa that...lol..... :lmao :lmao
:lmao

[Norfolkdave]

Another 2, wow the pot wont be big enough will it!!!!!

[tiger50]

Another 2, wow the pot wont be big enough will it!!!!!

lol hey shit am tryin ta get rid of rep points, tha farkin prize is imprisonment in wb's cave...... :(

[Norfolkdave]

lol hey shit am tryin ta get rid of rep points, tha farkin prize is imprisonment in wb's cave...... :(

LOL thats ok I have a nail file hidden ( heh heh heh eye of the storm):lmao

[tiger50]

LOL thats ok I have a nail file hidden ( heh heh heh eye of the storm):lmao

kkk cool am takin a small tactical nuclear weapon.... :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

was dancing with this shelia, I had my shiny new gumboots on, I could look at the top of me gummies and see her knickers.
I said, "Oooo you've got red knickers on."
I danced with another shelia, I said, "You've got yellow knickers on."
I danced with the third bird, she said, "You can't see my knickers, I haven't got any on!"
I said, "Thank Christ for that, I thought I'd ripped me gumboots!"

[tiger50]

was dancing with this shelia, I had my shiny new gumboots on, I could look at the top of me gummies and see her knickers.
I said, "Oooo you've got red knickers on."
I danced with another shelia, I said, "You've got yellow knickers on."
I danced with the third bird, she said, "You can't see my knickers, I haven't got any on!"
I said, "Thank Christ for that, I thought I'd ripped me gumboots!"


hahahahahhahahahhaha,, awww fark... yep..... :lmao :lmao :D

[Norfolkdave]

kkk cool am takin a small tactical nuclear weapon.... :lmao

I hope it hasnt a homein device:lmao

[tiger50]

I hope it hasnt a homein device:lmao

yeh corse it has..... gunna explode tha cave... liberate tha men.... ohhhh shit were all sterile now... :D :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

A group of boundary-riders are sitting around arguing over what they'd want if they were lost in the outback and were only allowed one thing. The first says "I couldn't do without my trusty old horse. She could probably lead me to a homestead from the back of Burke." The second says "You can have your horse but I'd want my swag. If you're gonna be lost you may as well sleep warm at night." The third says "There's no question. I'd want my old Queensland Heeler "Blue" He's my best mate and if I was gonna die out there I'd want him beside me." The last old bushie says "Only one thing I'd need -- a pack of cards. See, I'd start playing patience and before long some bastard would be looking over my shoulder saying "Red Jack on black Queen."

[Norfolkdave]

yeh corse it has..... gunna explode tha cave... liberate tha men.... ohhhh shit were all sterile now... :D :lmao

So its got a fart director then!:lmao

[tiger50]

A group of boundary-riders are sitting around arguing over what they'd want if they were lost in the outback and were only allowed one thing. The first says "I couldn't do without my trusty old horse. She could probably lead me to a homestead from the back of Burke." The second says "You can have your horse but I'd want my swag. If you're gonna be lost you may as well sleep warm at night." The third says "There's no question. I'd want my old Queensland Heeler "Blue" He's my best mate and if I was gonna die out there I'd want him beside me." The last old bushie says "Only one thing I'd need -- a pack of cards. See, I'd start playing patience and before long some bastard would be looking over my shoulder saying "Red Jack on black Queen."

wowww yesssssavent seen that one fa ages.... cool mate.... :lmao :lmao :wa:

[tiger50]

So its got a fart director then!:lmao

lol yeh will send the mp3 of mick tha master farter.... :D

[Norfolkdave]

An Aussie and a Kiwi were walking through a field when they came across a sheep caught in a barbedwire fence.

The kiwi went up to the sheep and started having sex with it, the Aussie said "jeeze mate we shear em' where i come from" , "no way" said the kiwi "i'm not shearin' this one with you".

[Norfolkdave]

lol yeh will send the mp3 of mick tha master farter.... :D

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known,
To sound just like a song.

Some farts do not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger awhile.

A fart can create
A most-curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, but deadly.

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairies,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of us
Sooner or later.

So be not afraid
Of the invisible gas,
For always remember,
That farts, too, shall pass. :lmao

[tiger50]

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known,
To sound just like a song.

Some farts do not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger awhile.

A fart can create
A most-curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, but deadly.

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairies,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of us
Sooner or later.

So be not afraid
Of the invisible gas,
For always remember,
That farts, too, shall pass. :lmao

lol mmmm did u get mick????? :D

[tiger50]

lol mmmm did u get mick????? :D

hey mate u cant hold em in else they travel up the spine, an inta the brain, thats where shitty ideas come from..... :lmao

[Sandy]

way to funny dav, i'm rolling. :lmao :lmao

[tiger50]

way to funny dav, i'm rolling. :lmao :lmao

hey sandy pm me ur email addy, will add u to my jokes email list.... :D

[Sandy]

already done tiger, oh by the way i put the coffee down before i read your jokes. :D

[tiger50]

already done tiger, oh by the way i put the coffee down before i read your jokes. :D

lol good, ur learnin.... hey where do u live???? :sc

[Norfolkdave]

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes. :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

[Zifnab]

Ahhh the price we pay... Good one Dave!

[Norfolkdave]

There was an old man who was married to a very young woman.

The old man was at the doctors for a checkup and the doctor said, "Sir today I will need a sperm sample, urine sample and a stool sample".

The old man looks at his young wife and says, " What did he say"?

His wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."

[Wet Beaver]

A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a fairly young and attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job.

One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay man figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday night. One o'clock came, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand..

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace, drinking a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[Zifnab]

Now I don't care who ya are, that there's funny!

[Wet Beaver]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. He answers, "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

[Wet Beaver]

A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.



He says, "Just for fun Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you and guess which one I'm going to marry."



His mother agrees.



The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry?"



She immediately replies, "The one on the right."



"That's amazing Ma!! You're right!!! How did you know???



The Italian mother replies, "I don't like her."

[Rainmaker]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. He answers, "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

:D

[kissiemybuttie]

A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.



He says, "Just for fun Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you and guess which one I'm going to marry."



His mother agrees.



The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry?"



She immediately replies, "The one on the right."



"That's amazing Ma!! You're right!!! How did you know???



The Italian mother replies, "I don't like her."




OMG lmao....sounds like my mother in law...just she aint italian!!!!!!

[Trev]

There was an old man who was married to a very young woman.

The old man was at the doctors for a checkup and the doctor said, "Sir today I will need a sperm sample, urine sample and a stool sample".

The old man looks at his young wife and says, " What did he say"?

His wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."

Is this you belfast?:lmao

[Norfolkdave]

Is this you belfast?:lmao


heh heh heh your on thin ice man LOL:lmao

[belfast]

Well you told me when putting on underwear Yellow to the front ..brown to the back as that is the way you do it :lmao


Is this you belfast?:lmao

[Wet Beaver]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill..

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price
of the female brains, because they've actually been used." :na

[Barkiss]

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price
of the female brains, because they've actually been used." :na

You are so not funny.

[Wet Beaver]

You are so not funny.

and another one thats hits to close to home for ya....:na

[Barkiss]

and another one thats hits to close to home for ya....:na

Yeah..I have to admit...that brought me to tears...:cry:

[MCat]

A Cute One...

[Sandy]

oh mc, that is so cute.

[MCat]

oh mc, that is so cute.

Hank and I will be there in the not so distant future :D

[Sandy]

lol so will mark and i, at least we won't be alone. :D

[bonzzz4292]

that was very funny MC . and yes we will be there before we know it. lol

:D

[tiger50]

A LITTLE FLAB
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by
his "wackie." With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you
firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool
man, and your brother.

[tiger50]

Mr Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God.

I have a question for Him.

St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?" God Said, "Ah, yes

"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention;

1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I don't even want to start talking about the maintenance costs.

"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points "replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[tiger50]

lol good one dave.... :lmao :lmao :D



A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"?101,237.64." The Aussie replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed "?101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ,I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said.........'Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing."

[Jy]

I LOVED that one!! Thanks for sharing honey!!

[tiger50]

I LOVED that one!! Thanks for sharing honey!!

ur most welcome mi lady:D

[Cotties]

Ya gettin good Dave... keep that Tiger on his toesAn Aussie and a Kiwi were walking through a field when they came across a sheep caught in a barbedwire fence.

The kiwi went up to the sheep and started having sex with it, the Aussie said "jeeze mate we shear em' where i come from" , "no way" said the kiwi "i'm not shearin' this one with you".

[SirFox]

Good show about THE FLAB, TIGER!

[Sandy]

lol tiger good one, the one about honda i've heard but it was about ford. :D :lmao

[Zifnab]

There were four buddies golfing and the first guy said, "I had to promise my wife that I would paint the whole outside of the house just to go golfing."

The second guy said, "I promised my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

The third guy said, "You guys have it easy! I promised my wife that I would built her a new deck."

They continued to play the hole. Then the first guy said to the fourth guy, "What did you have to promise your wife?" The fourth guy replied, "I didn't promise anything."

All the guys were shocked, "How did you do it?!" He replied, "It's simple. I set the alarm clock for 5:30. Then I poked my wife and asked, 'Golf course or intercourse?' And she said, 'Wear your sweater.'"

[Norfolkdave]

A bit Late!!!!!!

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.
"It's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?"

"Yes he does, " answered the salesman. "If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing."'

"Amazing!" exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought.

"Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?" asked the wife. The man smiled and said, "Watch this." Then he lit a match and put it under the birds right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under the bird's left foot, and it began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'

"That's incredible! Does he do anything else?" the wife asked.

"I don't know, lets see." replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the birds legs.

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."

[Zifnab]

10 THINGS IN GOLF THAT SOUND DIRTY

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

[Norfolkdave]

Good one Zif good one:lmao

[Barkiss]

10 THINGS IN GOLF THAT SOUND DIRTY

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

LOL - I think I've actually said everyone one of those statements...

[Zifnab]

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.

"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."

"How did you manage to do that?"

"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."

[sweetgapeach]

This is priceless!!!


Two rednecks walk into a bar.

While having a shot of whiskey,

they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,

who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.



After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the rednecks looks at her and says, "can you swallow?"

The woman shakes her head no. "can you breathe?"



The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The redneck walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of

her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives

her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.



The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction

flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the redneck walks slowly back to the bar.



His partner says, Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',

but I ain't never seen nobody do it!'

[Norfolkdave]

oops

http://www.jwolfe.clara.net/Humour/NonMedThumbs/EvolutionOfAuthority.jpg:lmao

[Zifnab]

THE REDNECK DICTIONARY OF MEDICAL TERMS

Benign.........................What you be after you be eight.
Artery..........................The study of paintings.
Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium........................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome.
CTscan.......................Searching for kitty.
Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her.
Colic..........................A sheep dog.
Coma.........................A punctuation mark.
D & C.......................Where Washington is.
Dilate.........................To live long.
Enema........................Not a friend.
Fester........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula........................A small lie.
Genital.......................Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series.................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.........................I knew it.
Outpatient.................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.....................Damn near killed him.
Secretion..................Hiding something.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.....................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..................Near by/close by.

[Norfolkdave]

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATlON BULLETIN

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET

WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSlS




ELEMENT : Woman
SYMBOL : Wo
DISCOVERER : Adam
ATOMIC MASS : Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40 - 200kg
OCCURRENCES : Copious quantities in urban areas



PHYSICAL PROPERTIES :

1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied to correct places.

CHEMlCAL PROPERTIES :

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES :

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS :

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in its natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS :

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained
at different locations as long as specimens do not come into contact
with each other.:lmao

[sweetgapeach]

A woman was walking down the street when a man approached her. The
man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars
on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it
up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She
called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's
proposition.Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure
you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back
and tell me what happened." An hour and a half later the lady called her
girlfriend back. What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said " That Son-Of-A-Bitch had $500.00 in quarters!"

[upstr84u]

sweet ga peach - great joke --- the picture nikki nova

[sweetgapeach]

sweet ga peach - great joke --- the picture nikki nova



Sorry avatar is not Porn star , lol Wrong Girl

[upstr84u]

she has the eyes & look just like nikki - sorry for the misreputation of the photo

[Zifnab]

FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occassionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

23. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

24. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

25. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

26. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

27. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

28. Leave a box between the doors.

29. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

30. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

31. Start a sing-along.

32. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

33. Play the harmonica.

34. Shadow box.

35. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

36. Lean against the button panel.

37. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

38. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

39. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

40. Bring a chair along.

41. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

42. Blow spit bubbles.

43. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

44. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

45. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

46. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

47. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

48. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

49. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

[sweetgapeach]

FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occassionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

23. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

24. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

25. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

26. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

27. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

28. Leave a box between the doors.

29. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

30. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

31. Start a sing-along.

32. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

33. Play the harmonica.

34. Shadow box.

35. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

36. Lean against the button panel.

37. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

38. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

39. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

40. Bring a chair along.

41. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

42. Blow spit bubbles.

43. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

44. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

45. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

46. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

47. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

48. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

49. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"


Funny Stuff !! But I could think of other things to do in the Elevator !!

[sweetgapeach]

she has the eyes & look just like nikki - sorry for the misreputation of the photo

Not a problem !! And good to know a Porn star had made such a impression on you !!!:D

[Barkiss]

That was good Zif...I just got a lot of funny looks in my office as I sat here trying not to laugh out loud...

[Zifnab]

That was good Zif...I just got a lot of funny looks in my office as I sat here trying not to laugh out loud...
Glad I helped brighten your day!

[Zifnab]

WHAT WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9...... WHAT MEN WOULD DO IF THEY HAD A VAGINA FOR A DAY

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

[Norfolkdave]

Good one Zif good one

[Zifnab]

Good one Zif good one
thanks, I try

[Norfolkdave]

LOL I thought I could give good ones but your better, I take my hat off to you

[Zifnab]

LOL I thought I could give good ones but your better, I take my hat off to you
watch which way you point that thing when you do! the reflection can blind folks!:lmao:lmao

Thanks Dave!

[Norfolkdave]

A guy walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey.

The bartender asks "Why?" The guy responds and says "I got my first blow."

The bartender says "In that case I'll give you two shots of whiskey."

The guy says "No, I just want one to get the taste out of my mouth."

[Rainmaker]

A guy walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey.

The bartender asks "Why?" The guy responds and says "I got my first blow."

The bartender says "In that case I'll give you two shots of whiskey."

The guy says "No, I just want one to get the taste out of my mouth."

:lmao

[sweetgapeach]

A guy walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey.

The bartender asks "Why?" The guy responds and says "I got my first blow."

The bartender says "In that case I'll give you two shots of whiskey."

The guy says "No, I just want one to get the taste out of my mouth."


OMG !!:lmao Kills me !!

[Norfolkdave]

Heh heh heh......." The Shining has a whole new meaning" LOL

[sweetgapeach]

WHAT WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9...... WHAT MEN WOULD DO IF THEY HAD A VAGINA FOR A DAY

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.


Funny !!

[Zifnab]

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[Norfolkdave]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your f!!!!!!g hands, I want a cheese sandwich

[Sandy]

lol i enjoyed all of them. :lmao :lmao :lmao

[Zifnab]

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shiit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shiit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

[Rainmaker]

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shiit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shiit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"


:lmao

[tiger50]

verrry good zif....


The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bedcovers She pulled back the elastic waistband of his shorts and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he raced to the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes. After all the years of torture she reckoned she had got her own back. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained shorts with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked what was the matter.
He said "Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean," asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, with some Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[Sandy]

omg. i'm the one rolling, very good tiger. :D :lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao

[tiger50]

hi sandy. lol check the song lyrics... no coffee for you.... lol

[Sandy]

lol i saqw it tiger. thanks for telling me no coffee, i would have gotten burned. :lmao

[sweetgapeach]

A very old couple who have been married just about forever are sitting on their porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband, knocking him off the porch and into the bushes. He crawls back up and asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "For having such a small pecker." He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.

She crawls back and says, "What was that for?"

He says, "For knowing that there's more than one size."

[tiger50]

lol good one sweet.... :lmao :lmao

[Sandy]

lol very funny sweet. :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".

[tiger50]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".

fark mate u nearly give me a hart attach.... :lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao

[Zifnab]

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!" One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"

[Zifnab]

A young stockbroker decided to take a day off and visit some of his professors in his old school. When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child. He quickly grabbed the dog and throttled it with his two hands.

The next day the local newspaper reported the story with the headline, "Valiant student saves boy from ferocious dog".

The stockbroker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street broker and not a student.

The next day the newspaper issued a correction and the headline read, "Pompous stockbroker kills school mascot".

[spare_change]

As many of you know, my daytime job is as a financial strategist (my nighttime work as a gigolo is just for fun!). In order to help y'all improve your retirement plans, I want to make you aware of a financial strategy that may fit best into your lifestyle.

MY RECOMMENDED INVESTMENT STRATEGY

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan

[Norfolkdave]

One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysiter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.

So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said "I'm going to take a shower and the little girl said "Oh, can I take a shower with you?" and the babysiter said " Uh, O.K. Just don't look down."

When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said "What's that?"

The guy said "Um, it's a ruber ducky" and the girl says "O.K."

Then the babysiter said "I'm tired I'm going to go to sleep." and the girl says "Can I go to sleep with you?" and the guy says "Um, O.K. Just don't look under the covers."

So when they're in the bed there's a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says "Can I play with your rubber ducky because I'm scared" and the guy says " Uh, O.K." and he falls asleep.

The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl "What Happened" and the little girl says"The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it's head off."

[Wet Beaver]

Police Sergeant O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He is on the lookout for trouble.

He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in Honest John's Used Car Lot.

The car lot is closed, so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says Mabel, "we purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the Sergeant, "why don't you start it up and drive it out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies Mary. "And besides, we didn't buy it to drive, we are waiting."

"Waiting for what?" asked Sergeant O'Leary.

Mabel explains, "We were told by a friend that if we bought a car here we would get screwed, so we're waiting!"

[Annie]

A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.".

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."

[Rainmaker]

A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.".

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."


:D :55

[G...G]

:lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao :D

[belfast]

TETANUS SHOT (GOTTA LOVE OLD PEOPLE)



The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch
then
starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out
of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

< BR>> > > > She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old
thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot

[blanjas3]

thats so funnyyyyyyyyy:D

[cuddles]

well heres a story for you this taks place down at the grizmeal pond there was this fly hovering around just 2 inches minding his own business what he didnt know was ther was this fish watching this fly hovering around and he thought to himself was if that fly would drop 2 inches i would have him for my supper what that fish didnt know was there was this bear watching this fish watching this fly and he thought to himself if that fly would drop 2 inches that fish would get that fly and i would get that fish for my supper what that bear didnt know was there was this hunter eating a tunafish sandwich and he thought to himself was if that fly would drop 2 inches that fish would get that fly the bear would get that fish and ill drop this tunafish sandwich and ill shoot that bear and ill have him for my supper well what the didnt know was there was a little mouse watching this hunter eating that tunafish sandwich watching this bear watch this fish watch this fly and he thought to himself hm if that fly would drop just 2 inches that fish would get that fly the bear would get that fish the hunter would drop his tunafish sandwich and shoot the bear and ill get that tunafish sandwich for my supper well there was this cat in a tree watching all this take place and she thought to herself hm if that fly would just drop 2 inches the fish would get the fly the bear would get that fish and the hunter would drop his tunafish sandwich and shoot that bear and the mouse would get that tunafish sandwich and ill get that mouse for my supper well it just so happened that fly droped 2 inches that fish got that fly the bear got the fish the hunter droped his tunafish sandwich shot the bear the mouse got the tunafish sandwich and all of a sudden you hear a splash can you tell me the moral of my story:D dont drop your fly and your pussy wont get wet:lmao

[Sunfiresix]

well heres a story for you this taks place down at the grizmeal pond there was this fly hovering around just 2 inches minding his own business what he didnt know was ther was this fish watching this fly hovering around and he thought to himself was if that fly would drop 2 inches i would have him for my supper what that fish didnt know was there was this bear watching this fish watching this fly and he thought to himself if that fly would drop 2 inches that fish would get that fly and i would get that fish for my supper what that bear didnt know was there was this hunter eating a tunafish sandwich and he thought to himself was if that fly would drop 2 inches that fish would get that fly the bear would get that fish and ill drop this tunafish sandwich and ill shoot that bear and ill have him for my supper well what the didnt know was there was a little mouse watching this hunter eating that tunafish sandwich watching this bear watch this fish watch this fly and he thought to himself hm if that fly would drop just 2 inches that fish would get that fly the bear would get that fish the hunter would drop his tunafish sandwich and shoot the bear and ill get that tunafish sandwich for my supper well there was this cat in a tree watching all this take place and she thought to herself hm if that fly would just drop 2 inches the fish would get the fly the bear would get that fish and the hunter would drop his tunafish sandwich and shoot that bear and the mouse would get that tunafish sandwich and ill get that mouse for my supper well it just so happened that fly droped 2 inches that fish got that fly the bear got the fish the hunter droped his tunafish sandwich shot the bear the mouse got the tunafish sandwich and all of a sudden you hear a splash can you tell me the moral of my story:D dont drop your fly and your pussy wont get wet:lmao

Funny Cuddles, I like it.:lmao:lmao

[tiger50]

yep thats cool cuddles......:lmao :lmao

[tiger50]

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her
for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have
any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it
to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT'.

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check
for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:


Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of
your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;

1) it had never been occupied

2) that there was plenty of heat

3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.


However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't
any heat, and that it was entirely too large.


Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250
with the following note:



Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if
you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please
don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to
contact your present landlady.

[tiger50]

This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology
lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?" The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class.
However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the
taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat".

[Sandy]

oh damn, good one tiger. :lmao

[Cotties]

thats not bullshit is it Tiger? My cum tastes sweet no matter where it lands:blowjob:........ :lf .....:kk .....:wa: ....all in days work

This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology
lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?" The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class.
However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the
taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat".

[tiger50]

kkk could be a file association on ur pc, bugger....

[Cotties]

That was a pm I meant to send you Tiger..this is the real deal to the postkkk could be a file association on ur pc, bugger....

[tiger50]

That was a pm I meant to send you Tiger..this is the real deal to the post

lol kkk hey where did u find that rep genie???? :55

[tiger50]

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking over at this other man, for he seemed somewhat familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God, I know who that man is! It's Jesus!"

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey, you!!! Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head

"Yes, I am Jesus," he replies.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass to the men, smiles a thank you and drinks up.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me, Sir, but would you be Jesus?"

Jesus smiles and replies, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Englishman then beckons to the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?"

Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Australian is mightily impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of ice cold VB for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus rises from his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years has disappeared. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove", he exclaims," that migraine that's plagued me for over 40 years has vanished completely. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then turns to the Australian whose face shows sheer, unadulterated reflects terror."

"Oi! Bugger off, mate. I'm on Compo!!"

[Cotties]

You saying us ozzies are bludgers mate. You ganna buy me a beer for talkin that shit.

[tiger50]

You saying us ozzies are bludgers mate. You ganna buy me a beer for talkin that shit.

yeh yeh ok ya wanker.... (bludger)....:lmao :lmao

[straittalk]

What's the difference between a savings bank and a sperm bank? After you make a deposit in a sperm bank you lose interest

[Cotties]

Not until they give ya the 50 bucks for cumming in a jar.


Whats the problem with test tube babies?
Their fathers are wankers:D
What's the difference between a savings bank and a sperm bank? After you make a deposit in a sperm bank you lose interest

[Zifnab]

You Might Be a Technician if...


you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.


you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends."


you think your computer looks better without the cover.


you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."


you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.


you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.


the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.


the microphone at a meeting doesn't work and you rush up to fix it.


you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.


you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.


you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.


you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

[Norfolkdave]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?:lmao

[Shiane]

There were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.

The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."

Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresant orange panties."

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.

The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I'm floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties..."

"What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief. </I></B>

"Dat's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties," the third lady said, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look for da black box first

[Shiane]

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to
contact your present landlady.

LMAO Very Good!:lmao

[Shiane]

This is what a computershould do first thing in the morning!
Click on the link below and then type in your first name..

[sweetgapeach]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Budweiser.

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over
and finish drinkin'these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,
"Howdy boys, ya'll been drinkin'?"

"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels...

"Me and Bubba's on the Patch."

[Zifnab]

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you.
You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

[tiger50]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They've set up their tent, and they have fallen asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend, saying "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "I see millions of stars Kemo Sabi."
"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Tonto you dickhead, someone has stolen our tent."

[tiger50]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?:lmao


hahahahahahahahahahaha.... good one mate..... :lmao :lmao

[tiger50]

Fascinating Research


A recent study found that the type of male face that a
woman is attracted to can vary considerably depending
upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.


It seems that if a woman is ovulating then she is more
attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features.


However, if she is menstruating, she is more inclined
to be drawn to a man who is doused in petrol and set
on fire, with scissors embedded deep into his temple
and a cricket stump shoved up his arse.


Fascinating....

[Norfolkdave]

1. Walking through the bush Gary and Griff came across a dingo licking its privates. After watching for a few minutes Griff said to Gary, "Just between you and me, I've wanted to do that all my life." A bemused Gary looked at him and said, "Go ahead mate, but I'd pat him first. He looks pretty vicious to me."

2. Newsflash! John Howard's library burned down on the weekend and two books, amongst other personal belongings, were destroyed! The real tragedy was that he hadn't finished colouring in one of them.

3. There's an old swaggy walking down a dusty outback road. A cocky pulls up in an old beat-up Ute and says, "Would you like a lift mate?" The swaggy thinks for a minute and replies, "No way mate, you can open and close your own bloody gates."

4. What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a lamb?
A woolly jumper.

5. There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.:lmao

[Norfolkdave]

A hungry Kakadu crocodile was waiting on a bank of a river for a boatload of plump American tourists. Days passed, no tourists. Finally an Aborigine came down to the river to spear barramundi, and although he was pretty skinny, the crocodile decided that he’d be better than nothing. So he lunged at him, grabbed his feet and began to gulp him down, bit by bit. Whereupon the long-awaited boat of American tourists came into view. One of them spied the head sticking out of the croc and said, “Look! Look!”

Another tourist, a woman, said, “I thought they said Aborigines were poor. Well, there’s one with a Lacoste sleeping bag.”

[tiger50]

lol way ta go dave.... yesssssss:D :lmao :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

She Was...

In Sydney she was Rhonda
She was Patsy out in Perth
In Brisbane she was Brenda,
The sweetest girl on earth.
In Wagga she was Wendy
The pick of all the bunch,
But down on his expenses
She was petrol, oil and lunch.

[tiger50]

She Was...

In Sydney she was Rhonda
She was Patsy out in Perth
In Brisbane she was Brenda,
The sweetest girl on earth.
In Wagga she was Wendy
The pick of all the bunch,
But down on his expenses
She was petrol, oil and lunch.

:lmao :lmao :lmao thats a new one to.... goodun mate..... :D

[Norfolkdave]

Black Fellah to White Fellah

Dear white fellah,
There's a coupla tings you orta no.
Firstly
Wen I am born, I'm black.
Wen I grow up, I'm black.
Wen I get sick, I'm black.
Wen I'm cold, I'm black.
Wen I go out in the sun, I'm black.
And wen I get scared, I'm black.
And wen I die, yes, I'm still black.
But you white fellah ....
Wen you born, you pink.
Wen you grow up, you white.
Wen you get sick, you green
Wen you cold, you go blue.
Wen you go out in the sun, you go red.
And wen you get scared, you yellah.
And wen you die, you purple
And you call me coloured !!:lmao

[tiger50]

Black Fellah to White Fellah

Dear white fellah,
There's a coupla tings you orta no.
Firstly
Wen I am born, I'm black.
Wen I grow up, I'm black.
Wen I get sick, I'm black.
Wen I'm cold, I'm black.
Wen I go out in the sun, I'm black.
And wen I get scared, I'm black.
And wen I die, yes, I'm still black.
But you white fellah ....
Wen you born, you pink.
Wen you grow up, you white.
Wen you get sick, you green
Wen you cold, you go blue.
Wen you go out in the sun, you go red.
And wen you get scared, you yellah.
And wen you die, you purple
And you call me coloured !!:lmao

yessssss i like that one..... :lmao :lmao :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

:D The Great Australian Male

There are large men the whole world over
on a large and varied scale,
but none of them resemble
the Great Australian Male.
He's rugged and he's handsome,
he drinks beer instead of wine,
he's always out for pleasure,
of a very simple kind.
He's either off to see the footy
with a dozen cans or more,
or fishing with his buddies,
getting drunk along some shore.
He thinks he's quite a lover,
and he's sexy and discreet,
that he can get you in a quiver
from your head down to your feet.
But when he's got you ready,
lying limpid beneath the sheet,
you hear a snore and turn around
to find him sound asleep.
He's a funny sort of fellow
with more pride than he's got sense
and if you told him he was wrong,
he'd only take offence.
Oh, there are men who take you dancing,
out to dinner twice a week,
men who never dress in faded jeans
or die to take a leak.
Yes, there are men the whole world over
men with "charm" and "sense of style",
but how could we compare them to
The Great Australian Male.

[Norfolkdave]

A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!:lmao

[Norfolkdave]

Bruce came home late one night and Sheila says "Where in the hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain; "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick?" "Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.:lmao

[tiger50]

Bruce came home late one night and Sheila says "Where in the hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain; "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick?" "Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.:lmao

fark, all good, mate slow down, i cant keep up..... :lmao :lmao :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

fark, all good, mate slow down, i cant keep up..... :lmao :lmao :lmao

Ok I,ll give your stomach a rest:D

[Sandy]

ok guys we need a warning, no eating or drinking allowed when you read this thread. :lmao

[tiger50]

ok guys we need a warning, no eating or drinking allowed when you read this thread. :lmao

mmm perhaps we shud delete tha thread huh???? :sc

[Sandy]

hell no, i need the laughs i get here. :D

[tiger50]

hell no, i need the laughs i get here. :D

lol read the invention thread, but nooooo coffee :nu

[Sandy]

i didn't have the coffee then, i had tea. :D

[tiger50]

i didn't have the coffee then, i had tea. :D

geez, thatt stuff is a cross between a bad claret an lighter fluid..... :D

[Sandy]

lol not mine, if you ever tasted it you would want it all the time. :D :na

[tiger50]

lol not mine, if you ever tasted it you would want it all the time. :D :na

lol bring it on, am up fa a taste test.....:D

[Sandy]

lol you have to get out of the cage first. :na

[Norfolkdave]

How about this one Sandy................................

Bruce and Sheila are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only Sheila and her eight anklebiters are able to fit in the bus. So Bruce and the blind man decide to walk. After a while Bruce gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!" The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus! So shut up and keep walking !!!!

[Sandy]

lol i've heard that one dav i like it. :lmao

[belfast]

Watch Out For The Exact Wording On Living Wills!!!!!!!!

I Was Sitting With My Wife In The Living Room Yesterday And I Said To Her, "just So You Know, I Never Want To Live In A Vegetative State, Dependent On Some Machine And Fluids From A Bottle. If That Ever Happens To Me Just Pull The Plug".

She Got Up, Unplugged The Tv And Threw Out All My Beer.

[Wet Beaver]

Watch Out For The Exact Wording On Living Wills!!!!!!!!

I Was Sitting With My Wife In The Living Room Yesterday And I Said To Her, "just So You Know, I Never Want To Live In A Vegetative State, Dependent On Some Machine And Fluids From A Bottle. If That Ever Happens To Me Just Pull The Plug".

She Got Up, Unplugged The Tv And Threw Out All My Beer.

and you just sat there??

[Jy]

That's funny Tiger!!! It reminds me of a Lyle Lovett song that I can't help but crack up about every time I hear it...

From "If I had a Boat"
"The mystery masked man was smart
He got himself a Tonto
'Cause Tonto did the dirty work for free
But Tonto he was smarter
And one day said kemo sabe
Kiss my ass I bought a boat
I'm going out to sea"

I bet Tonto had his fill of being the Lone Ranger's straight man after a while and just left him out in the desert one day to fend for himself!!



[QUOTE=tiger50]The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They've set up their tent, and they have fallen asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend, saying "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

[Norfolkdave]

Old Wisdom

After working his farm every day, an old farmer rarely had time to enjoy the large pond in the back that he had fixed up years earlier with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and benches. So one evening he decided to go down and see how things were holding up. Much to his surprise, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came down to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill.

[SirFox]

DAVID: I would not have minded being the farmer....with the alligator....

[Norfolkdave]

An Irishman arrived in Australia and went into a pub in the Outback where he asked for a glass and, having pissed into it, drank it. He then walked out the door, into the chook house and proceeded to knock the hens off their perches prior to going to the paddock, where he lifted the tail of a cow and put his ear to its anus. When he returned to the bar a few minutes later, the publican asked him to explain his strange conduct.

“Before I left Dublin,” he said, “I met an Aussie who said there are 3 things I had to do to be a real Australian. Drink the piss. Knock off the birds. And listen to the bullshit.”

[Sandy]

:lmao oh dav you bad boy.

[Norfolkdave]

and sandy for saturday here we are with this one;

An old man goes to the doctor to ask him an important question.

"Doctor, when I was in my 20's, it took both of my hands to push down my hard-on. When I was in my 30's, it took one hand to push down my hard-on. When I was in my 50's, it took three fingers to push down my hard-on. Now that I'm in my 60's, it only takes one finger to push down on my hard-on! So what I'm basically trying to ask you is? How strong am I going to get?":lmao