Jokes/Games/Stories

[italian_princess0420]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit-man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, but he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit-man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit-man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."


ahhhh i dont get it:whee: ...i would ask my boyfriend but i dont wanna talk to him

[Sandy]

it means there screwing and he can hit both of them. :lmao

[tiger50]

excellent joke lmm, very funny :lmao :lmao

[lovemakenman]

ahhhh i dont get it:whee: ...i would ask my boyfriend but i dont wanna talk to him

It means she was diving him a Blow job and was going to save him a 1000 dollars

[italian_princess0420]

It means she was diving him a Blow job and was going to save him a 1000 dollars


ohhhhhhhhhhhhh....hahaha i get it now...:whee:

[italian_princess0420]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[italian_princess0420]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

[Sandy]

lmao :lmao good one

[italian_princess0420]

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"

The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.

The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

[lovemakenman]

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh....hahaha i get it now...:whee:

Good for you girl I am glad I could help you. anythnig elses??:lmao

[lovemakenman]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.



"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.


The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."



LMAO :lmao

[tiger50]

good ones princess...:lmao :lmao :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

There is three black roosters sitting on a fence.

A little boy ask his mom how many feet do those three rossters have?
The mother replies 6

How many eyes do the three roosters have?
The mother replies 6

How many beaks do the three roosters have?
The mother replies 3

How many hairs is on that white cats head sitting by the roosters?
The mother replies i dont know

The son then says "How come you know so much about black cocks and nothing about white pussy":lmao

[lovemakenman]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
>>produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee*.
>>
>>
>>(Hardly seems worth it.)
>>
>>
>>*If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
>>produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.*
>>
>>
>>*(Now that's more like it!)*
>>
>>
>>*The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out*
>>*to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.*
>>
>>
>>*(O.M.G.!)*
>>
>>
>>*A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.*
>>
>>
>>*(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)*
>>
>>
*A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves
>>to death. (Creepy.)*
>>
>>
>>*(I'm still not over the pig.)*
>>
>>
>>
>>*Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an
>>hour.*
>>
>>
>>*(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)*
>>
>>
>>*The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
>>to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head
>>off.*
>>
>>
>>*("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")*
>>
>>
>>*The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
>>jumping the length of a football field.*
>>
>>
>>*(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)*
>>
>>
>>*The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.*
>>
>>
>> *(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)*
>>
>>
>> *Some lions mate over 50 times a day.*
>>
>>
>> *(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over
>>quantity)*
>>
>>
>> *Butterflies taste with their feet.*
>>
>>
>> *(Something I always wanted to know.)*
>>
>>
>> *The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.*
>>
>>
>> *(Hmmmmmm........)*
>>
>>
>> *Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer*
>>*than left-handed people.*
>>
>>
>> *(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)*
>>
>>
>>*Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.*
>>
>>
>>*(OK, so that would be a good thing....)*
>>
>>
>>*A cat's urine glows under a black light.*
>>
>>
>>*(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)*
>>
>>
>>*An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.*
>>
>>
>>*(I know some people like that.)*
>> *Starfish have no brains.*
>>
>>
>>*(I know some people like that too.)*
>>
>>
>>*Polar bears are left-handed.*
>>
>>
>>*(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)*
>>
>>
>>*Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for*
>>*pleasure.*
>>
>>
>>*(What about that pig??)*
>>
>>
>>*Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
>>stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile

[sweet]

WHY CONDOMS COME IN PACKAGES OF 3, 6, AND 12


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes,I've heard of that in health class at school."



He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? "



The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.



He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"



"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."



"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!



With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

[Zifnab]

LOL!!!! That was a good one! thanks booful, my morning needed that!:kk

[Dmy]

I think Im going to like it here, surrounded by sexy nice ladies....... :)

[Rainmaker]

peach that was a good one!!

[G...G]

Thanks Rain, glad you are better!! Hope you had fun too!!

[Eric69]

Very good georgiacoountrygirl very good

[Rainmaker]

peach that was a good one!!

oops!! i said peach.. meant GA:D ... but u figured it out .. so its all good:)

[Rainmaker]

Thanks Rain, glad you are better!! Hope you had fun too!!

had a blast!!thanks:kk

[italian_princess0420]

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude.


Unfortunately, he fell asleep and sunburned his Johnson. Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so, he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.


The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.


After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, the young man's sunburn started acting up.


After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.


The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk.


ahhh i dont get it...even ryan dont get it...is there missin info?

[italian_princess0420]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'

The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!'

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!'

[italian_princess0420]

My wife who is blonde came running up to me in the driveway the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic!

We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to Have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

[italian_princess0420]

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."

And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to f_ck the cat!"

[italian_princess0420]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[italian_princess0420]

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00am.

The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test TICKLES".

[italian_princess0420]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"F*ck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f*cking good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

[italian_princess0420]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate accent), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and barely caught his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Okay," and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[italian_princess0420]

Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.

The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:

"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"

[italian_princess0420]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

[lovemakenman]

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude.


Unfortunately, he fell asleep and sunburned his Johnson. Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so, he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.


The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.


After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, the young man's sunburn started acting up.


After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.


The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk.

Hey Girl Finish off

[lovemakenman]

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run , crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep
Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to

normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife

1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[Sandy]

:lmao that is just to funny.

[tiger50]

After having their 11th child, a Tasmanian couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Tasmanian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Queensland and New Zealand.

[Sandy]

:lmao i've missed your jokes tiger,

[tiger50]

yeh that one iz good...


woohoo back to it....

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
Tthe boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
"Why?!?", asks his mom
The boy replies: "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

[Sandy]

:lmao i'm so glad i didn't have coffee when i read that one.

[italian_princess0420]

A Father Passing By His Son's Bedroom Was Astonished

> To See The Bed Was

> Nicely Made And Everything Was Picked Up. Then He Saw

> An Envelope Propped

> Up Prominently On The Center Of The Bed. It Was

> Addressed, "dad". With The

>

> Worst Premonition, He Opened The Envelope And Read The

> Letter With Trembling

>

> Hands:

>

> Dear Dad,

>

> It Is With Great Regret And Sorrow That I'm Writing

> This. I Had To Elope

> With My New Girlfriend Because I Wanted To Avoid A

> Scene With Mom And You.

> I've Been Finding Real Passion With Barbara And She Is

> So Nice Even With All

>

> Her Piercing, Tattoos, And Her Tight Motorcycle

> Clothes. But It's Not Only

> The Passion Dad, She's Pregnant And

> Barbara Said That We Will Be Very Happy Together.

> Even Though You Won't

> Care For Her, As She Is Much Older Than I, She Already

> Owns A Trailer In The

>

> Woods And Has A Stack Of Firewood For The Whole

> Winter. She Wants To Have

> Many More Children With Me And That's Now One Of My

> Dreams Too.

>

> Barbara Taught Me That Marijuana Doesn't Really Hurt

> Anyone And We'll Be

> Growing It For Ourselves And Trading It With Her

> Friends For All The Cocaine

>

> And Ecstasy We Want. In The Meantime, We'll Pray That Science Will=20

> Find A Cure For Aids So Barbara Can Get Better; She Sure

> Deserves It!!

>

> Don't Worry Dad; I'm 15 Years Old Now And I Know How

> To Take Care Of Myself.

> Someday I'm Sure We'll Be Back To Visit So You Can Get

> To Know Your

> Grandchildren.

>

> Love,

> You're Son Joe

>

> P.s. Dad, None Of This Is True. I'm Over At The

> Neighbor's House. I Just

> Wanted To Remind You That There Are Worse Things In

> Life Than My Report Card

>

> That's In My Desk Center Drawer.

>

> I Love You! Call When It's Safe For Me To Come Home.

[italian_princess0420]

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.


"What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

[italian_princess0420]

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD..
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!

[tiger50]

good stuff princess, thanks..... :lmao :lmao



A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father".
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, look at that f*cker!"
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a f*cker!"
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big f*cker"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this f*cker!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this f*cker and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother: "Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?"
Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a f*cker!
Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that f*cker tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the f*cker!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the f*cker!"
Head Mother: "And I cooked the f*cker!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a spliff, pours himself a large whiskey and says,
"You know, you c*nts are alright."

[Sandy]

:lmao those are all good.

[Norfolkdave]

Sheep Shagging
A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.

"So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

"So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."
"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

"So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"

[Trev]

30 THINGS STRESSED PEOPLE MAY SAY AT WORK)
1. Okay, Okay! I take it back. Unfuck You!
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren't we a dam ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and
senseless acts of self-control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't
gone to sleep yet!
16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder .. my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
30. Look in my eyes ... Do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit?

[Barkiss]

Very good Trev! But you missed one....

"Aren't you a perfect waste of a rib bone"

[Norfolkdave]

Well said Barkiss, heh heh heh sadly I dont work, but still stressed with everyday life in the UK

[Sandy]

very nice trev. :lmao

[Zifnab]

"Sorry Bob, but I didn't like that tie yesterday either."

[tiger50]

A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud; "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".
"Holy shit", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be highly intelligent & thoroughly educated."
"Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my penis around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The bloke looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The bloke offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The bloke is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the bloke.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"F*** knows, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[Sandy]

i've heard that before, but i still like it. :lmao

[tiger50]

good one dave....:lmao :lmao :lmao




Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have any insurance!"
The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down and couldn't remember the number for 000".
The room was silent for a moment while the women contemplated who was truly the drunkest one the night before. Then, the first girl spoke out again.
"Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog.

[Sandy]

god tiger that was sick and funny. :vs: :lmao

[tiger50]

Very good Trev! But you missed one....

"Aren't you a perfect waste of a rib bone"

anuvva one missed..

did ur old man ever tell u ure a total waste of a good root..

[cuddles]

would you perfer six weeks hospital or would you perfer sudden death :D

[cuddles]

how about a toast get it up get it in get it out dont mess my hair up:lmao :lmao

[Eric69]

how about a toast get it up get it in get it out dont mess my hair up:lmao :lmao

is that the hair on your head or down below?

[cuddles]

is that the hair on your head or down below? come here and find out:D :na

[tiger50]

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or
so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide
to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.
Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the
stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed
to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says
to the other, "I've always wanted to be like the guys,
and urinate off a bridge." The other woman looks around
and says, "well, I don't see anyone around, now's your
chance!" The first woman drops her hiking shorts and
backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins
to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holly shit!"
she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!" Alarmed,
the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream.
"Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed
in, it was only your reflection."

[tiger50]

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to
their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The
man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On
the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband
with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney
fall on her little nosey- wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate
sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her
bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on
her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and
says, "Clumsy bitch."

[Sandy]

tiger that would be 1 dead man. :nu :D

[tiger50]

These three blokes are sitting in a pub arguing which one has the ugliest wife.
The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper telling
them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says, "why don't you settle it
once and for all and just visit each others house and decide for yourselves..."
Damn Good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the first
blokes house. Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers, she's
not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two. Not so fast
says the second, I got that beat. And off they go to his house... He bangs
on the door and his wife comes to answer the door opens and all three
step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the
third bloke says sorry I've got you both beat.
He goes to his house and walks right in, there's no sign of anyone around.
He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear this
voice say "Is that you honey?"
"Yeah it's me," he says.
"Do you want me to come out?" she asks
"Yes please," he says.
"Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks.
He says, "No. I don't want to fuck you, I just want to show you off!"

[pinkpussyliz]

25 Years Married

On their 25th wedding anniversary Bill reminds Jill that she had said on their wedding day that she would show him what she keeps in the box under the bed. She takes him upstairs and gets the box out.

He opens it and sees 5 eggs and £5,000 (or about $8,200)

He was puzzled and asked what the eggs were for.

"Well everytime we've made love and you failed to make me orgasm, I put an egg in the box".

Bill was a bit upset at first, then thought that 5 eggs in 25 years was not that bad, only one every five years.

Feeling quite pleased with himself, he then asked her about all the money in the box.

She explained to him, "Simple darling. Everytime I collect a dozen eggs, I take them down the market and sell them"

[spare_change]

25 Years Married

On their 25th wedding anniversary Bill reminds Jill that she had said on their wedding day that she would show him what she keeps in the box under the bed. She takes him upstairs and gets the box out.

He opens it and sees 5 eggs and £5,000 (or about $8,200)

He was puzzled and asked what the eggs were for.

"Well everytime we've made love and you failed to make me orgasm, I put an egg in the box".

Bill was a bit upset at first, then thought that 5 eggs in 25 years was not that bad, only one every five years.

Feeling quite pleased with himself, he then asked her about all the money in the box.

She explained to him, "Simple darling. Everytime I collect a dozen eggs, I take them down the market and sell them"

VERY funny !!!! Welcome to the site --- hope you continue to grace us with your presence.

[Norfolkdave]

Well hello pinkpussyliz welcome to the site, I hope you stay, we could do with some english girls.

[spare_change]

Well hello pinkpussyliz welcome to the site, I hope you stay, we could do with some english girls.

You are so right, Dave -- I've always wanted to DO with some english girls !

[Norfolkdave]

You are so right, Dave -- I've always wanted to DO with some english girls !

Now what wold you do with english girls, do tell:lmao

[Norfolkdave]

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf , drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good .... well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and
needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good.

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!

[Shiane]

LOL I like those, in fact I think i've heard a lot of them.

[Zifnab]

I usually just scream as loud as I can "What do you want from me?" when no one is near...

[tiger50]

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, “Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?” “Yes, dear,” replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it.” But then when I have a baby, won’t it knock my teeth out?”

[Sandy]

i'm glad i'm not drinking coffee. :lmao

[tiger50]

:lmao :lmao :lmao good one dave....


There Was Once A Boy Who Couldn’t Talk Properly, His Mum Asked Him To Goto The Shops And Pick Up Some Things For Her.

Firstly he went to the bakers.
” Can I have a Bum please?” asked the boy
” You Mean a Bun dont ya mate?” said the baker.
” yeah ” he said. and on he went.

Secondly he went to the sweet shop.
” Can i have a lickit please? ” asked the boy
” Do you mean a liqorice? ” said the shop owner.
” Yeah Sorry thats it ” he said. and on he went.

Finally he went to the clock shop.
” Can I have a Cock please? ” asked the boy
” You mean a clock dont you boy?!! ” Exclaimed the shop owner.
” Yeah, sorry ” he said.

On his way home an old lady asked him for the time.
” Yeah ”
” Hold My Bum And Lickit While I Get My Cock Out!!!! “

[tiger50]

a little boy walks in on his parents and ask’s “dad what are you doing?” the dad reply’s “well son you know how you have always wanted a little brother i am putting one in your mum”.
the next day the little boy is crying on the front varanda when his dad comes home from work the dad asks ” whats wrong my son” the little boy replies ” well you know how you put my little brother inside mum…… well the post man came today and ate him out”…..

[Sandy]

:lmao

[Zifnab]

a little boy walks in on his parents and ask’s “dad what are you doing?” the dad reply’s “well son you know how you have always wanted a little brother i am putting one in your mum”.
the next day the little boy is crying on the front varanda when his dad comes home from work the dad asks ” whats wrong my son” the little boy replies ” well you know how you put my little brother inside mum…… well the post man came today and ate him out”…..so how many of these are actual memories from your life there tiger?

[italian_princess0420]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[italian_princess0420]

A newly married couple are honeymooning in India. As they're walking through a bazaar they see a sign that reads: "Magic sandals. Guaranteed to improve your sex life."

The couple walk into the shop and are greeted by the shopkeeper. "These magic sandals," he tells the wife, "will increase your husband's sex drive and make him an accomplished lover." The wife tells the shopkeeper that her husband wears a size 10, and that he'd like to try them on.

So the husband sits down, puts on the sandals and gets a gleam in his eye that his wife has never seen before. The husband rips his pants off, bends the shopkeeper over the counter and goes to town.

Frantically the shopkeeper screams, "The sandals! You've got them on the wrong feet!"

[tiger50]

:lmao lol good ones princess....:lmao :lmao

[italian_princess0420]

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.



After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse....... "Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT"

[italian_princess0420]

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

[italian_princess0420]

Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"

"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.

His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

[italian_princess0420]

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"

[italian_princess0420]

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

[italian_princess0420]

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

[italian_princess0420]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your boobs dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[italian_princess0420]

A gay man named Roger goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Roger, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Roger is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Roger asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your as*hole is for."

[italian_princess0420]

A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

[italian_princess0420]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?

[italian_princess0420]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

[italian_princess0420]

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

[italian_princess0420]

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

[italian_princess0420]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

[italian_princess0420]

An old couple were getting ready for a night of bingo. The old lady was looking in the mirror and said to the husband, why are you with me? He said what do you mean? The old lady said just look at me I am falling apart, I have bags under my eyes, wrinkles all over my face my tits hang to my waist, my arms are flabby and my ass looks like a golf ball, I have just fallen apart and I cant see why you are with me. The old man replied "well because I love you". The old lady said " how can you love someone who looks like me", just tell me one good feature I have. The old man replied "For one thing your eyesight is perfect"!

[italian_princess0420]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."

[italian_princess0420]

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."

[italian_princess0420]

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.

After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"

"It's okay," he said, "but why won't they let me fart?"

[italian_princess0420]

A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that
will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the
line model. The redneck is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chain saw is defective.
It would only cut down 1 tree and it took all damn day!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and
the puzzled redneck says, "Heck, what's that noise?"

[italian_princess0420]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[italian_princess0420]

Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.

Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.

For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:

"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."

Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

[italian_princess0420]

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.



Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
(http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/meltingpot-cannabilism.html)

[italian_princess0420]

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.


The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

[italian_princess0420]

An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

[italian_princess0420]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".

[italian_princess0420]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies... "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"

[italian_princess0420]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.



Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

[italian_princess0420]

if someone tells me this...ill kill em




A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.

The husband says, "Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now."

"But I see you looking at other women," pleaded his wife, "and I want to be as attractive as they are to you."

Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, "Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time."

"You think that'll make my breasts larger!?" asked his wife.

"Why not?" says the husband, "It worked on your ass!"

[italian_princess0420]

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.

“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.”

“What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”

“Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”

[italian_princess0420]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

[italian_princess0420]

Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl's junior college. During class one day he asked his student, "Miss Simison, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr. Cikoch, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this. "With that she sat down red-faced.

Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And now, Miss Simison, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

[italian_princess0420]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

[italian_princess0420]

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day.

The man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill, then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"


(http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/meltingpot-cannabilism.html)

[italian_princess0420]

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

[italian_princess0420]

An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy" and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[italian_princess0420]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

[italian_princess0420]

A woman goes into a dentist’s office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”

Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I’d rather have a baby.”

To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.” (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/meltingpot-cannabilism.html)

[italian_princess0420]

Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem.

"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.

"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."

"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

[italian_princess0420]

An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.

One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

[italian_princess0420]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

[italian_princess0420]

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."

[italian_princess0420]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy." The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

[italian_princess0420]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"

[italian_princess0420]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[italian_princess0420]

A couple, both born the same year and month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been so loving she would grant them each one wish.

Very excited, the wife said that since she had already visited most of North America in her RV she would like to visit Europe. The fairy waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly appeared in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said with a sly look, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was 90.

[italian_princess0420]

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

[italian_princess0420]

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”

“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”

[italian_princess0420]

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed.

Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say! If you farted just touching it, you're gonna sh*t when you hear the price."

[italian_princess0420]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

[italian_princess0420]

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

[italian_princess0420]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

[italian_princess0420]

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

[italian_princess0420]

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too.

Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said.... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

"You told me you penis was the size of an infant!", she said. "Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"

[italian_princess0420]

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.

When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend."

[italian_princess0420]

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"

[italian_princess0420]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

[italian_princess0420]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."

[tiger50]

A bloke and his missus are sitting watching TV when there’s a knock at the door. When the bloke opens it there’s his mate from 20 years ago. They did everything together, got on the piss, porked the same shielas, played cricket, played footy and everything else that close mates do. As time went by they parted but here he was 20 years later. The bloke said “mate, where ya been great to seeya, come and meet the missus”. They entered the loungeroom and the bloke said to his missus “missus this is my best mate, Best mate this is my missus” after the introductions he said to his best mate “wanna get on the piss” to which the best mate said “let’s do it”. With that the bloke said “I’ve got no piss, I’ll go and get some”. Before he left he said to his missus “You look after him, He’s the best mate I’ve ever had”. On returning from the pub with a cuppla slabs he walked into the loungeroom and no-one’s there, into the the dining room and same again, then he walks into the kitchen and there’s his best mate up to his nuts in guts with the missus. He screams out “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE”. His missus looks up and says “Well you said to look after him” and he replied “THAT’S FUCKING RIGHT, ARCH YOUR BACK AND GET HIS BALLS OFF THEM COLD FUCKING TILES”.

[Waltert]

What does an Aussie get when they drink too much


They get to feel like Tiger


HI TIGER HOW YOU DOING!!! :D

[tiger50]

What does an Aussie get when they drink too much


They get to feel like Tiger


HI TIGER HOW YOU DOING!!! :D

lol.. aww fark... surely tamorra will b betta... gettin there mate... :wa:

[lovemakenman]

Lamo

[Sandy]

those are good :lmao

[tiger50]

those are good :lmao

yep.... princess dus good stuff


a true story

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
“So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days”.
Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!”
The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and see where the evening leads.” Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and
then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police….

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are evil bitches. Don’t mess with them..

[Sandy]

i like that one tiger. :lmao

[lovemakenman]

yep.... princess dus good stuff


a true story

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
“So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days”.
Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!”
The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and see where the evening leads.” Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and
then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police….

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are evil bitches. Don’t mess with them..




that is a good one:lmao

[tiger50]

that is a good one:lmao

lol thanks mate.... :55

[Norfolkdave]

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

[tiger50]

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

lol fark, too close ta ome mate... :lmao :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

DREAMS OF WIFE, HUSBAND

A wife woke up from her night's sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.
"I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks in this place,"she began, "the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20."

"How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband.
"Those they gave away," she replied tongue in cheek.

"I had a dream too," started the husband. "I dreamt they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!"

"And how much for the ones like mine?" enquired the wife to her husband.
"That's where they held the auction," he replied.

[Norfolkdave]

A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."

He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"

The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"

"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There's really only three things a man wants in life.
First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine.
Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along."

[Sandy]

dav that was bad and good at the same time. :lmao

[lovemakenman]

A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."

He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"

The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"

"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There's really only three things a man wants in life.
First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine.
Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along."

Good one dave

[tiger50]

yep reel good dave...

[tiger50]

not really an aussie joke, but our kiwi seems ta ave disappeared so i'll post it ere...


A female school teacher in Auckland was addressing her class and said, Now Chulldren, the neshnal sport of new zilland uz rugbay end I heppen toe be en All Blecks fairn. Hairnds up all those who are All Blecks fairns. They all showed their hands except little Darby.She said Darbeee, yoe dudn’t put your hairnd up. Darby said nup, I’m a Wallabies fan. She said, yoe luvv unn New Zilland end you’re a Wallabeees fairn, how come? Darby replied, Well, me farvers a wallabies fan, me muvva’s a wallabies fan, so I’m a Wallabies fan. She got angry and said, well, if your perrents were both morons, what would yoe be? Darby replied, I’d be a fucking All Blacks fan, thats what I’d be.

[Norfolkdave]

Heh heh heh good one mate, heres a little jerker for you...........

A young woman, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters of Sydney Harbour. As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering her fate, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you?" he jokingly asked. "Yes, yes I am." replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge, "Look, nothing's worth that. I tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after you if you 'look after' me."

The girl, having no better prospects agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night.

For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water and making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship & it's lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young woman and demanded an explanation. The young woman came clean; "I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night, and, and.......he's screwing me."
The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked his face and he replied; "He sure is darlin', this is the Manly Ferry!!

[Norfolkdave]

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their trousers, and began lifting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their "john thomases" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift."

[tiger50]

lol yep a corker dave... :lmao :lmao :lmao

[tiger50]

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their trousers, and began lifting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their "john thomases" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift."

awww fark.... :lmao :lmao :lmao

[Sandy]

good one dav. :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

Of Course I Love Ya Darling
Your A Bloody Top Notch Bird
And When I Say Your Gorgeous
I Mean Every Single Word

So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side
I Dont Mind A Bit Of Flab
It Means That When I'm Ready
Theres Somethin There To Grab

So Your Belly Isnt Flat No More
I Tell Ya, I Dont Care
So Long As When I Cuddle Ya
I Can Get My Arms Around There

No Sheila Who Is Your Age
Has Nice Round Perky Breasts
They Just Gave Into Gravity
But I Know Ya Did Ya Best

Im Tellin Ya The Truth Now
I Never Tell Ya Lies
I Think Its Very Sexy
That Youv Got Dimples On Ya Thighs

I Swear On Me Nannas Grave Now
The Moment That We Met
I Thought U Was As Good As
I Was Ever Gonna Get

No Matter Wot U Look Like
Ill Always Love Ya Dear
Now Shut Up While The Footys On
And Get Me Another Beer!

[Norfolkdave]

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"

Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"

And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

[Sandy]

thats so cute dav. :lmao

[lovemakenman]

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"

Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"

And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

That is Fkn Funi Dave!:lmao :lmao :lmao

[lovemakenman]

You and two friends were on a trip driving.
It became very late or early morning 330 am.
So you all three deside to stop at a cheap motel.
The tenant tells you it will cost you 30.00 dollars
so it then cost each of you 10.00 dollars right.
and you head off to your room.
The tenant feels guilty he says its three am and they wont be staying all night so he desides to give 5 dollars to the bell boy to give you and your friends.
The bell boy say hecan break the changes evenly so he will keep 2 dollars for a tip and give a 1 dollar pack to you and each friend.
This means you and your friends paid 9 dollars each right. -10.00 + 1.00= 9.00
well since 9x3= 27 and the bell boy only kept 2 dollar wich equeals 29.00 dollars for the bill. Where in the hell is the other 1 dollar from the original 30.00? tell me please

[GeekMaster]

OK I intend to lighten up the mood here. :D



One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced that a friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well, mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and then the daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies." :blowjob:

Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye, and said:










"Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies, that's how you get jewelry. :sc

[Sandy]

very funny geek. :lmao

[upstr84u]

This is hilarious !!!



> > CHILI JUDGING CONTEST: A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this
> > whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you.
> >
> > **Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
> > the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
> >
> > For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
> > They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
> > around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city
> > park.
> >
> > The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
> > visiting from Canada.
> >
> > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> > cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> > happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
> > directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
> > assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
> > be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
> > during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the
> event:
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> > remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> > flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> > seriously.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> > I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> > wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
> > when they saw the look on my face.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> > like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
> > Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> > backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
> > all of the beer.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
> > or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
> > unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the
> > barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch
> > is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
> > chili an aphrodisiac?
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> > adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> > admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
> > I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
> > chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
> > by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
> > my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
> > stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> > spices and peppers.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> > garlic. Superb.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> > gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it
> > will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
> > except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel
> > my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> > peppers.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> > chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
> > worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> > cursing uncontrollably.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
> > sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
> > which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like
> > shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
> > killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it;
> > I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
> > through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> > bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild
> > nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted,
> > passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
> > Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
> > reacted to really hot chili.
> >

one of my best --- try not to laugh

[GeekMaster]

WHERE DO REDHEADED BABIES COME FROM?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.


"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."


"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this.

How often do you make love?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."


"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.












"It's rust.

[GeekMaster]

Deleted

[GeekMaster]

Five Surgeons




Five Surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see Accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like Construction Workers...those guys alway s understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.

Politicians are the easiest to operate on.


"There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine,"

"and the head and the ass are interchangable

[Norfolkdave]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[Sandy]

those are all good. :lmao

[G...G]

A good laugh first thing in the morning......... That was good

[sweetgapeach]

There was a little old lady, who every morning.
stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the
sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"
>
> One day an atheist moved into the house next door.
> He became irritated at the little old lady.
>
> Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after
> her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"
>
> Time passed with the two of them carrying on this
> way every day.
>
> One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old
lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am
starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
>
> The next morning she stepped onto her porch and
> there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

>
> "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED
> GROCERIES FOR ME!"
>
&g t; The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and
> shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE
GROCERIES!!"
>
> The little old lady threw her arms into the air and
shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH
GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!



Good one !!

[Norfolkdave]

tiger who woke up one morning and just felt great. He just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey( Trev) and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
This poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, cotties and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"

Well, this elephant grabs tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until tiger is just a blur of orange and black, and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.

tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

ooops:lmao heh heh heh

[Norfolkdave]

A Senior Citizen
I am a senior citizen...

- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...

- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...

- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.

- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.

- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

[pinkpussyliz]

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.

"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.

"Nope."

"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.

"Nope."

"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.

"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mum sometimes calls me."

"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"

[Rainmaker]

Five Surgeons




Five Surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see Accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like Construction Workers...those guys alway s understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.

Politicians are the easiest to operate on.


"There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine,"

"and the head and the ass are interchangable


going to have to print this one and send to some friends:55 :lmao

[Rainmaker]

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.

"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.

"Nope."

"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.

"Nope."

"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.

"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mum sometimes calls me."

"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"

:55 :lmao

[lovemakenman]

You and two friends were on a trip driving.
It became very late or early morning 330 am.
So you all three deside to stop at a cheap motel.
The tenant tells you it will cost you 30.00 dollars
so it then cost each of you 10.00 dollars right.
and you head off to your room.
The tenant feels guilty he says its three am and they wont be staying all night so he desides to give 5 dollars to the bell boy to give you and your friends.
The bell boy say hecan break the changes evenly so he will keep 2 dollars for a tip and give a 1 dollar pack to you and each friend.
This means you and your friends paid 9 dollars each right. -10.00 + 1.00= 9.00
well since 9x3= 27 and the bell boy only kept 2 dollar wich equeals 29.00 dollars for the bill. Where in the hell is the other 1 dollar from the original 30.00? tell me please

Nobody figure this out yet. or your just scared?

[Zifnab]

Nobody figure this out yet. or your just scared?well if he is giving back $5 then the price of the room becomes $25, of which after the return from the bellboy you each contributed $9

Since your math indicates that $9 three times =$27 when you subtract the $2 tip you are left with $25 which is the price of the room.....
buy a new calculator.....

[Wet Beaver]

the room cost 25 dollars

25/3=8.33 per person 8.33.3 = 24.99

bellboy kept 2 24.99 +2 =26.99

each person got back 1 1.3=3+26.99

the manager get the extra .01 cent...

[Wet Beaver]

Nobody figure this out yet. or your just scared?

you know i just look this over again...and you asked the wrong question....you were suppose to as what happen to the penny.....

[lovemakenman]

you know i just look this over again...and you asked the wrong question....you were suppose to as what happen to the penny.....

See I knew some one couild tell me waht I was missing? I just could not figure it out on that dollar
So where did my one cent go??

[lovemakenman]

the room cost 25 dollars

25/3=8.33 per person 8.33.3 = 24.99

bellboy kept 2 24.99 +2 =26.99

each person got back 1 1.3=3+26.99

the manager get the extra .01 cent...


Thanks WB I need that

[Zifnab]

See I knew some one couild tell me waht I was missing? I just could not figure it out on that dollar
So where did my one cent go??remind me to NEVER let either of you balance my checkbook!

[lovemakenman]

remind me to NEVER let either of you balance my checkbook!

so where is the penny

[Zifnab]

so where is the pennyread my answer....there is no penny

[tiger50]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on
cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?” The wife
smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
“Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well,
you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

“Only when he’s been drinking.”

[tiger50]

God had just spent a whole week putting the heavens and the earth together,
so he figured he needed a break.
He kicked back with his mate, the Archangel Gabriel, opened a couple of beers
and admired his handiwork.
"You know, Lord," Gabriel said. "You've done some good fuckin' shit - huge
fucking mountains, mighty oceans, enormous jungles, and all those animals… shit!
You've made everything from ants to elephants - magnificent!"
God was pleased and grinned.
"I just have one small suggestion," Gabriel continued. "You know those two sample
humans you whacked in down at the Garden Of Eden?"
God nodded, looking concerned.
"Well, do you reckon it might be a good idea if they had a different set of genitals
each, just like all the other animals?"
God went into deep thought for a couple of minutes, then smiled happily. "You're
right, mate," he said to Gabriel, "I'll give the dumb one a pussy!"

[Sandy]

tiger i gotta give you rep points for that . :lmao :na

[tiger50]

tiger i gotta give you rep points for that . :lmao :na

keep away ya bugga....


This bloke comes home pissed one night and climbs into bed with his missus.
After a few minutes he lets go with a great big fart.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" his wife asked.
"I'm playing footy," the bloke said. "The score's four to nil."
His wife thought about this for a minute then figured that two could play at this
game, so she let go with a fart of her own.
"The score's four-all, now," she smirked.
The bloke thought this was pretty cute, so he lay there and tried to work up another
one. Unfortunately, he tried too hard and ended up shitting in the bed instead.
"What the fuck was that!?" his wife screamed.
"Half-time," the bloke explained. "Now we change sides!"

[Sandy]

tiger your warped. :lmao

[tiger50]

nah no way, not this little rainbow duck....:D :whee:

[Jy]

George Carlin's new rules for 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is
called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over
ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place

[tiger50]

lol cool roolz..:D

[tiger50]

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”

So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him, “Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”

The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!
Off goes the first stick of dynamite … shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite … spreading poop all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole…

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, “Ma, are you all right??!!”

As she pulls up her panties she says… “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen.”

[pinkpussyliz]

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon


Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate


Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

[MCat]

Wally's Wedding Night

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their
wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she
is concerned that her new but aged husband may
overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and
the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door
opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and
she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom
door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the
newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and
leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is
back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready
for more "action".

And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets
set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed
that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who
were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:

"You mean I was here already?"

[pinkpussyliz]

Long Legged Bird…
A man is in at a bar with a flamingo and a cat and he is buying them both drinks. He says to the barman "Can I have a pint of bitter and whatever these 2 want". The flamingo says "I'll have half of lager" and the cat says "I'll have a martini BUT I'M NOT PAYING FOR IT". Half an hour later, he says to the barman "Can I have a pint of guinness and whatever these 2 want". The flamingo says "I'll have half of cider" and the cat says "I'll have a martini BUT I'M NOT PAYING FOR IT". Half an hour later again, he says to the barman "Can I have a pint of bitter and whatever these 2 want". The flamingo says "I'll have half of lager" and the cat says "I'll have a malibu BUT I'M NOT PAYING FOR IT".

By this stage the barman is a bit bemused and says to the man "What's going on here, mate?" The man explains: "I was walking down the street when I accidentally kicks a bottle - quite an old looking one - and this Genie pops up and says 'you have 3 wishes'. I says 'blimey - err I'll have a 12 inch willy'. There was a flash and well, my wish was granted. Err, right I'll have a Ferrari full of money please. There was a flash and my wish was granted." The barman says "So what about your 2 companions here?" The man replies "Well, my third wish was for a Long-Legged Bird with a tight Pussy!"

[tiger50]

:lmao :lmao :lmao good stuf liz.. yesssss

[tiger50]

A bloke down on his luck, was reduced to catching the bus.

One day a beautiful young nun boarded the bus and sat down in front of him. She was
such a babe he kept leaning forward to perve on her. Finally, he could control himself no
longer. Leaning forward, he whispered quietly in her ear, "I'd like to fuck you up the arse."
With a gasp of shock the nun jumped to her feet, rang the bell and got off the bus.

A couple of stops later, the bloke was getting off when the driver said, "Hey, what did you
say to that nun?"

"Well, to be honest," said the bloke, "she looked so damn good I said I'd like to fuck her
up the arse."

"Shit, no wonder she got off. She's very religious and you shoulda asked her in a more
devout way. As a matter of fact, she goes through the park down the road every night at
about 7.30. Why don't you go there and try a different approach.

The bloke had long hair and a beard, so he got himself a robe and waited in the park for
her to come by.

Sure enough, around 7.30, the nun appeared on her way to the convent. Leaping out of the
bushes, the bloke shouted, "Hey nun, I'm Jesus, come to fuck you up the arse!"

"No worries, Jesus," said the nun and she bent over and hoisted up her habit.

After the bloke had done the deed, remorse set in and he said rather sheepishly, "I'm not
really Jesus."

"That's okay," came the reply. "I'm not really the nun. I'm the bus driver."

[tiger50]

lol clapping, good one mc..:lmao :lmao

[pinkpussyliz]

Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."

"WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area.

Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."

[tiger50]

Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."

"WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area.

Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."

aww fark.. was gunna post that one bout 10 mins ago... shittttt lol:lmao :lmao

[pinkpussyliz]

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."

"Really?" asked the friend.

The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"

The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."

The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

[pinkpussyliz]

Three expectant mothers were sitting in the obstetrician's waiting room. Two of the ladies began to chat about their pregnancies, and their due dates and such.

One of the women said to the other, "I happen to know that my baby is going to be a boy, because when my baby was conceived, my husband was on top."

Replied the other woman, "Oh! That must mean that I'm going to have a girl, because when my baby was conceived, I was on top."

The third woman suddenly burst noisily into tears. Concerned, the other two ladies turned to her and asked, "My heavens, what ever is wrong?"

The third woman wailed tearfully, "I'm afraid that I may be having a puppy!"

[GeekMaster]

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."

"Really?" asked the friend.

The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"

The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."

The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

The song is: "I'm Singing in the Rain"

[tiger50]

i salute u babe.. yessss. ur a master..... :D :knuddel:

[Sandy]

oh god guys i'm rolling , all of those are great. :lmao :lmao :lmao

[pinkpussyliz]

aww fark.. was gunna post that one bout 10 mins ago... shittttt lol:lmao :lmao

So you're a clarevoyant sausage sucker then are you?:D

[tiger50]

So you're a clarevoyant sausage sucker then are you?:D

lol yeh it seems so... wud b betta if u were though..... :whee:

[pinkpussyliz]

The song is: "I'm Singing in the Rain"

Or, April Showers

[pinkpussyliz]

lol yeh it seems so... wud b betta if u were though..... :whee:

If I was what, clarevoyant or a sausage sucker?

[pinkpussyliz]

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

[tiger50]

fark claire voyancy is bak....:D :whee: :lmao

[belfast]

WISDOM....THIS ONE IS A DANDY!!

Really have to love this guy. God rest his soul.




"Here's my strategy on the Cold War:
We win, they lose."

- Ronald Reagan


"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the
government and I'm here to help."

- Ronald Reagan



"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's
just that they know so much that isn't so."

- Ronald Reagan




"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too
strong."

- Ronald Reagan



"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked
like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."

- Ronald Reagan



"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but
doesn't have to take the civil service examination."

- Ronald Reagan



"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one
end and no sense of responsibility at the other."

- Ronald Reagan



"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation
gone under."

- Ronald Reagan



"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a
government program."

- Ronald Reagan



"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that
happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a
Cabinet meeting."

- Ronald Reagan



"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have
learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."

- Ronald Reagan



"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops
moving, subsidize it."

- Ronald Reagan



"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if
you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
- Ronald Reagan



"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, ! is so formidable
as the will and moral courage of free men and women.

- Ronald Reagan

[Norfolkdave]

Just a line to say that I am living,
that I'm not among the dead;
though I'm getting more forgetful
and mixed up in my head.

I got wed to my arthritis
to my dentures I'm resigned;
I can manage with my bifocals
but, God, I miss my mind!

For sometimes I can't remember
when I stand at the foot of the stairs;
If I must go up for something
or have I just come down from there?

And before the fridge so often
my poor mind is filled with doubt;
Have I just put food away, or
have I just come to take some out?

And there is time when it is dark
with my nightcap on my head;
I don't know if I'm retiring
or just getting out of bed.

So, if it's my turn to write you,
there is no need for getting sore;
I may think that I have written
and don't want to be a bore.

So, remember that I love you
and wish that you were near;
but now it's nearly mail time,
must say goodbye, my dear.

Here I stand beside the mailbox
with a face so very red;
instead of mailing your letter
I have opened it instead!

[Norfolkdave]

Is this cottie!!!!!!!!

My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell!
My mood is bad - can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years has come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass.

[Norfolkdave]

A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

[tiger50]

A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

lol skip loved that one..lol... :lmao :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

For HER

08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

08:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday

08:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.

09:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani oil

10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe

12:45 Catch sight of husband's/boyfriend's ex and notice that she has gained 7 kg

13:00 Shopping with friends. Unlimited credit.

15:00 Nap

16:00 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer

16:15 Light workout at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says that he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body

17:30 Choose outfit from expensive, designer wardrobe. Parade in front of full length mirror

19:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners / dancers

22:00 Hot shower (alone)

22:50 Carried to bed. Freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen

23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

------------------

For HIM

06:00 Alarm

06:15 Blow job

06:30 Massive, satisfying dump whilst reading the sports pages

07:00 Breakfast. Rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast - all cooked by naked buxom wench

07:30 Limo arrives

07:45 Several whiskeys en-route to airport

09:15 Flight in personal Lear jet

09:30 Limo to St. Andrew' s golf club (blow job en-route)

09:45 Play front nine (2 under)

11:45 Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine (4 under)

14:15 Limo back to airport (several whiskeys)

14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo

15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)

16:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lb) on light tackle.

17:00 Fly home. Massage and hand job by Elle McPherson

18:45 Shit, shower and shave

19:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and porn legalised

19:45 Dinner. Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953); big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits

21:00 Napoleon brandy and Cohiba cigar in front of wall-sized TV showing International Match of the Day. England 11: Germany 0.

22:45 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies)

23:30 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale

00:15 Night cap blow job

00:30 In bed alone

00:35 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.

[spare_change]

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down
there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right.And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[MCat]

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and she's wearing a see-thru blouse and really short shorts.

What does your wife look like?"

"Doesn't matter, let's look for yours".

[tiger50]

A man goes to bed and starts fondling his wife…….He tries to roll her over, but she wakes up and says “Not tonight, honey. I have an ealy appointment with my Gynecologist, and I want to be fresh”………He rolls over, dejected, and thinks about it for a while. After a few minutes, he rolls back over, taps his wife on the arm, and says…….You don’t have a dental appointment tomorrow, do you?

[MCat]

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for
several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree
that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top
to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I
just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating
in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said,
"You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind."
But within a few minutes,up to the beach floated a stunning
red head, faceup, totally naked, unconscious,
without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her
up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive,
warm and breathing.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this
God forsaken island for months now without a woman.
It's been such a long, long time....So do you think we should
well ... you know ... screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?" asked the other.

[Norfolkdave]

heh heh heh True or not!

http://www.coolbuddy.com/jokes/funnypics/Driving.jpg:lmao

[Sandy]

mcat that was good. yours to dav. :D

[sweetgapeach]

>>A 6-year-old and 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.


>>"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we


>>started cussing."


>>The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.


>>The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm


>>gonna say something with 'hell'


>>and you say something with 'ass.' "


>>The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.


>>When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old
what


>>he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll
have


>>some Cheerios."


>>WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,


>>gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in
hot


>>pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.


>>She locks him in his room and shouts,"You can stay in there until I


>>let you out!"


>>She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks
with


>>a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"


>>


>>"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't
be


>>Cheerios."

[Norfolkdave]

Oh brilliant Sweet Brilliant

[Norfolkdave]

A priest was in his room and realised that his rooster was missing. He decided 2 bring it up in Sunday Mass.
Right before the seremony the priest asked, "Who has a cock?" all the men in the room stood up.
The priest said "NO,No,NO. Who has seen a cock?" all the woman in the room stood up.
The priest said "NO,NO,NO. Who has seen my cock?". All of the nuns stood up.

[Sandy]

thats funny as hell sweet. :D

[sweetgapeach]

List Of Possible Slogans Promoting National Condom
Week

1. Cover Your Stump Before U Hump
2. Before U Attack Her, Wrap Yr Whacker
3. Don't Be Silly, Protect Yr Willy
4. When In Doubt, Shroud Yr Spout
5. Don't Be A Loner, Cover Yr Boner
6. You Cant Go Wrong, If U Shield Yr Dong
7. If You're Not Goin To Sack It, Go Home And Whack It.
8. If U Think She's Spunky, Cover Yr Monkey
9. If U Slip Between Her Thighs, Be Sure To Condomize
10. It Will Be Sweeter If U Wrap Yr Peter
11. She Wont Get Sick If U Wrap Yr Dick
12. If U Go In To Heat, Package Yr Meat
13. While Yr Undressing Venus, Dress Up Yr Penis
14. When U Take Off Her Pants And Blouse, Slip Up Yr Trouser Mouse
15. Especially In December, Gift Wrapyr Member
16. Never,never Deck Her With An Unwrapped Pecker
17. Dont Be A Fool, Vulcanize Yr Tool
18. The Right Selection Will Protect Yr Erection
19. Wrap It In Foil Before Checking Her Oil
20. A Crank With Armor Will Never Harm Her
21. No Glove, No Love!

[Norfolkdave]

Your getting good sweet very good

[Norfolkdave]

Oh husband, dear husband, I tremble with fear;
You've been on overtime almost all year;
And since you are gone till way late at night,
A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.

Oh husband, dear husband, please don't be a fool;
Working overtime is wasting your tool;
For better it is to be poor all your life,
Than bring a soft peter home to your wife;

I used to be happy as your little queen,
But now every night you're nowhere to be seen;
You come home from work just able to creep,
I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep.

Each evening, dear husband, you crawl into bed,
Your intentions are good, but your peter is dead;
I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,
I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.

I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes,
I've played with your balls, but your pecker won't rise;
So I'll find me a man who works eight hours a day,
And while you're at work, we'll proceed to make hay.

For in this whole world there is only one sin,
For which there's no pardon, and never has been;
And that is a man who is so foolish and mean,
That he gives up his screwing to run a machine

[tiger50]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor tower block when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. “Damn, that was stupid,” she thought as she fell. “What a way to die.”

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, “Do you suck?”

“No!” she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. “Do you screw?” he asked.

“Of course not!” she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. “I suck! I screw!” she screamed in panic.

“Slut!” he said, and dropped her.

[Sandy]

good one tiger. :lmao

[tiger50]

Bloke’s got a sore cock, after examination the doctor says “You’ve got gash.” “Whats gash?” replies the bloke. “Gonorreah, Syphillis, Aids and Herpes, Very very contagious” “Fuck me!” says the bloke, “Whats gonna happen now?” “Takin you straight in to hospital, you’ll have your own room and they’ll feed ya Cream crackers and cheese slices” explains the doc. “Thats gonna make me better doc?” “Nah mate, thats the only thing that’ll go under the fuckin’ door!”

[Sunfiresix]

:lmaoI love it ....:lmao

[Sandy]

good one tiger, your on a roll tonite. :lmao

[tiger50]

Little Joel Say’s to his father,” Dad why is it when a Cow dies it goes all stiff, and puts all legs in the air “? Hmmmm thats so the Cow God can come down from Cow Heaven and pick him up easy. The next afternoon Joel hears his dad get home from work.. ” DAD DAD…”"we neally lost mum today”! Hows that Joel? ” She was on the bed saying”" OOOOHHH GOD OOOOHH YES OOOHHH NO OOOHHHHHHH YES..! “” and she was all stiff and had her arms and legs in the air, BUT.. ! If the Milkman wasn’t holding her down she’d be gorn for sure “.

[Norfolkdave]

One day four nuns living in a remote monastery are killed in a tragic accident.
They go to heaven and are greeted at the pearly gates by St. Paul.
He tells them they must repent their sins before he can admit them to heaven and asks them if they have ever had any illicit dealings with men.
The first nun nervously says: "Father I have sinned. Once a handsome young man came to the monastery and asked for temporary lodgings before continuing on his way. On the first day as he was changing in his room after washing I peeked through the keyhole and saw his manhood. Please forgive me."
St Paul replied: "My child. This is only a small transgression. Wash your eyes in that pool of holy water over there and then you may enter the kingdom of God".
The nun washes her eyes and joyously enters heaven.
Then the second nun shyly says: "Father I too have sinned. On the second day of the young man's stay I also passed by his room as he was changing. The door was slightly ajar and so I glanced in. I saw that his manhood was standing proud so I entered the room and relieved him with my hand. Father forgive me."
St Paul replied: "My child you have broken your vows but you are not beyond redemption. God is forgiveness. Wash you hands in the pool of holy water and you too may enter the kingdom of God".
Relieved the nun washes her hands and passes through the pearly gates.
With more confidence now the third nun approaches St Paul and begins to speak: "Father I have sinned..."
But immediately the fourth nun interrupts her. "Father may I go next? I want to wash my mouth out in the water before she sits in it."

[tiger50]

lol fark, gooun dave.. yessss

[Norfolkdave]

A woman is picked up by a basketball player in a bar.
They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt and she sees that on his arm is a tattoo which reads "Reebok."
She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.
He says "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for the advertisement."
A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.
He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "Aids" tattooed on his penis.
She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has Aids!
He says "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "Adidas".

[tiger50]

A woman is picked up by a basketball player in a bar.
They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt and she sees that on his arm is a tattoo which reads "Reebok."
She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.
He says "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for the advertisement."
A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.
He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "Aids" tattooed on his penis.
She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has Aids!
He says "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "Adidas".

wow..lol cool one mate:lmao :lmao :whee:

[Norfolkdave]

An executive was in quandary.
He had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied: "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache.

[Norfolkdave]

http://www.thedude.org/thumb_cache/___htdocs_images_content__1april.jpg (http://www.thedude.org/picture,April-Fool,570.html):wa: :lmao

[tiger50]

An executive was in quandary.
He had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied: "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache.

way cool mate...:lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

This will bring tears to your eyes

http://www.thedude.org/thumb_cache/___htdocs_images_content__img4177c97976021.jpg (http://www.thedude.org/picture,Ouch-I-think-I-will-wait-;),1065.html):lmao

[tiger50]

This will bring tears to your eyes

http://www.thedude.org/thumb_cache/___htdocs_images_content__img4177c97976021.jpg (http://www.thedude.org/picture,Ouch-I-think-I-will-wait-<img%20src=):lmao


bugger still not werkin...