Jokes/Games/Stories [Archive] - Married And Flirting Chat

Norfolkdave

10-10-2005, 06:07 PM

Hope this is ok.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Barkiss

10-10-2005, 06:10 PM

Good one Dave!

Norfolkdave

10-10-2005, 06:22 PM

Good one Dave!

Certainly a new meaning

Norfolkdave

10-10-2005, 06:56 PM

Very funny...that small lady was sort of hot!

New model! Direct from the drawer marked "21st Century Fun" comes this novel gem. The powerful 10-speed bullet can be triggered by hand or (more excitingly!) by the signal from a mobile phone. Brings a whole new meaning to txt sex...
:lmao

shopowner

10-10-2005, 08:36 PM

http://www.fun.from.hell.pl/2003-02-18/peeping.swf run your
mouse over the picture:lmao

Really funny Penny...hey...I think I know some of those people!

Free2ChooseU

10-11-2005, 07:37 PM

:satan: I always do that when waiting for the light to change...
I picture what people are wearing underneath what they are wearing...

Especially when I'm bored, Great way to pick myself up on a sluggish day...

Great fun...:D

Of course I have to laugh out loud:lmao :lmao at some of the things my mind sees underneath...and I often get looked at like..."What the f*** is her problem....
Oh, well... :kk

Free2ChooseU

10-11-2005, 07:52 PM

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God: "God, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?" asks God.

"God, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"God, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution.

I shall create man for you ... but this man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.

He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, on the plus side, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, God?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, God?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

Just remember, it's our little secret....

You know ... woman-to-woman."

:kk

Free2ChooseU

10-11-2005, 09:04 PM

California law prohibits a woman from driving a car while dressed in a housecoat.

Can you believe that???

:kk

HillBilly

10-11-2005, 09:43 PM

http://www.fun.from.hell.pl/2003-02-18/peeping.swf run your mouse over the picture:lmao

Very cool !!

Free2ChooseU

10-11-2005, 10:28 PM

http://www.fun.from.hell.pl/2003-02-18/peeping.swf run your mouse over the picture:lmao

(extending his hand during a campaign stop):

I'm Dan Quayle. Who are you?

Woman: I'm your Secret Service agent.

"The Stupidist Things Ever Said By Politicians" -

"It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment,
it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-Dan Quayle

"If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure."
-Dan Quayle

"We are not ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur."
-Dan Quayle

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that
is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
-Dan Quayle

"It is wonderful to be here today in the great state of Chicago"

- Dan Quayle

It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!
-- Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Dan Quayle "What a waste it is to lose one's mind.
Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-Dan Quayle........................

I know he didn't just say that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:kk

Sandy

10-11-2005, 10:31 PM

:lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao penny i love your sense of humor

Bandit256

10-11-2005, 11:01 PM

My favorite bumper sticker that I saw on a jeep one summer.

"Wine me, Dine me and 69 me!" :lf

Free2ChooseU

10-11-2005, 11:02 PM

You whiz around the corner in your rented moped when suddenly you're forced to come to a sudden stop.

It seems a funeral procession has stopped for a quick breather. Empathy overwhelms you and you offer your condolences to the whimpering man nearby. "Were you close?" you ask, wishing you hadn't.

After a moment, the man replies, "Brothers and sisters I have none, that man's father is my father's son."

That sounds sarcastic, you think to yourself. Maybe the guy doesn't want to tell you, which is fine, but there's no reason to be a smartass about it.

Or, perhaps the clever among can see this is the real answer.:kk

TheSaint69

10-11-2005, 11:11 PM

I always see women on their cell all the time driving and talking non stop,emagine what would happen if they all had one of daves vibratior cell phones.:rofl1:

TheSaint69

10-11-2005, 11:17 PM

nice picture penny

10-11-2005, 11:20 PM

So his son died?

You whiz around the corner in your rented moped when suddenly you're forced to come to a sudden stop.

It seems a funeral procession has stopped for a quick breather. Empathy overwhelms you and you offer your condolences to the whimpering man nearby. "Were you close?" you ask, wishing you hadn't.

After a moment, the man replies, "Brothers and sisters I have none, that man's father is my father's son."

That sounds sarcastic, you think to yourself. Maybe the guy doesn't want to tell you, which is fine, but there's no reason to be a smartass about it.

Or, perhaps the clever among can see this is the real answer.:kk

10-11-2005, 11:22 PM

Along those same lines:

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God: "God, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?" asks God.

"God, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"God, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution.

I shall create man for you ... but this man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.

He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, on the plus side, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, God?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, God?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

Just remember, it's our little secret....

You know ... woman-to-woman."

:kk

Seeker

10-12-2005, 01:26 AM

LOL :lmao :lmao (extending his hand during a campaign stop):

I'm Dan Quayle. Who are you?

Woman: I'm your Secret Service agent.

"The Stupidist Things Ever Said By Politicians" -

"It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment,
it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-Dan Quayle

"If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure."
-Dan Quayle

"We are not ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur."
-Dan Quayle

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that
is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
-Dan Quayle

"It is wonderful to be here today in the great state of Chicago"

- Dan Quayle

It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!
-- Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Dan Quayle "What a waste it is to lose one's mind.
Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-Dan Quayle........................

I know he didn't just say that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:kk

Norfolkdave

10-12-2005, 10:20 AM

Heres another
Big 10 Inch
Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."

"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

Free2ChooseU

10-12-2005, 03:16 PM

So his son died?

NOPE, That's not it....Next Guess.....

Here's another for you.....Much easier too....but when you think about the previous one, the answer is right there....

Can you think of a word in the English language that has 3 sets of consecutive double letters in it?

:kk

MY ANSWER: BOOKKEEPER

:wa: mississippi and tennessee are NOT consecutive.....

:wa:

What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment and never in a second?
:kk

Can you think of a crime that is punishable if attempted but not punishable is actually committed?

If you count 20 houses on your right going to the store and 20 houses on your left coming home, how many houses did you count?

Barkiss

10-12-2005, 03:18 PM

Mississippi

Barkiss

10-12-2005, 03:18 PM

Tennessee also

Free2ChooseU

10-12-2005, 03:47 PM

Take a way the whole and some still remains. What am I?

:kk

Barkiss

10-12-2005, 03:51 PM

Take a way the whole and some still remains. What am I?

:kk

wholesome ;)

Free2ChooseU

10-12-2005, 03:54 PM

wholesome ;)

Yea...:wa: Xcellent...

:kk

Norfolkdave

10-13-2005, 10:52 AM

WOMEN'S GUIDE TO PLAIN ENGLISH

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired" = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different!

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

Norfolkdave

10-13-2005, 10:57 AM

And finally one more:
FEMALE STAGES IN LIFE

AGE DRINK

17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to colour my hair
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man

HOUSE PET

17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66

IDEAL DATE

17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew his breakfast

Penny

10-13-2005, 04:50 PM

good stuff dave :)

Wet Beaver

10-13-2005, 06:56 PM

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he
has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have
some fun at the deputies expense...........
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give
me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME
TO STOP...... OR JUST SLOW DOWN

Penny

10-13-2005, 06:57 PM

Is that what happened in New Orleans the other day

Wet Beaver

10-13-2005, 07:00 PM

Is that what happened in New Orleans the other day

naaa....that guy was a school teacher or something, and he didn't desver it....but a laywer always desvers it

Penny

10-13-2005, 07:24 PM

u got that right

Norfolkdave

10-14-2005, 05:25 AM

good stuff dave :)

Thankyou Penny much appreciated :lf

Wet Beaver

10-25-2005, 12:22 PM

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you
> just need to take it out on someone, don't take it
> out on someone you know, take it out on someone you
> don't know.
>
> I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone
> call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and
> dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I
> politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak
> with Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed
> down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be
> so rude.
>
> I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
> I had transposed the last two digits of her phone
> number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call
> the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered
> the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
>
>
> I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next
> to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of
> weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
> day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It
> always cheered me up.
>
> When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my
> therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So,
> I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith
> from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if
> you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled
> "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
>
> I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
> you're an asshole!"
>
> One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull
> into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me
> off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited
> for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
> for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For
> Sale" sign in his car
> window, so I wrote down his number.
>
> A couple of days later, right after calling the first
> asshole (I had his
> number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call
> the BMW asshole, too.
>
> I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for
> sale?"
>
> "Yes, it is."
>
> "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
>
> "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow
> house, and the car's parked right out in front."
>
> "What's your name?" I asked.
>
> "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
>
> "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
>
> "I'm home every evening after five."
>
> "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
>
> "Yes?"
>
> "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added
> his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a
> problem, I had two assholes to call.
>
> But after several months of calling them, it wasn't
> as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an
> idea. I called Asshole #1.
>
> "Hello."
>
> "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
>
> "Are you still there?" he asked.
>
> "Yeah," I said.
>
> "Stop calling me," he screamed.
>
> "Make me," I said.
>
> "Who are you?" he asked.
>
> "My name is Don Hansen."
>
> "Yeah? Where do you live?"
>
> "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow
> house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
>
> He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had
> better start saying your prayers."
>
> I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
>
> Then I called Asshole #2.
>
> "Hello?" he said.
>
> "Hello, asshole," I said.
>
> He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
>
> "You'll what?" I said.
>
> "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
>
> I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm
> coming over right now."
>
> Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
> saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and
> that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
>
>
> Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going
> down on West 34th Street.
>
> I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th
> street.. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out
> of each other in front of six squad cars, a police
> helicopter and a news crew.
>
> NOW I feel much better. Anger management really
> works.

quax999

10-26-2005, 11:12 AM

Penny, please define stories?

Sandy

10-26-2005, 11:28 AM

hey dave lmao:lmao :lmao :lmao

Norfolkdave

10-26-2005, 04:19 PM

hey dave lmao:lmao :lmao :lmao

Thankyou, I,ll search another one tommorrow ( thursday uk):wa:

Sandy

10-26-2005, 09:31 PM

A woman comes home from work and goes in the house and hears a strange buzzing sound coming from her daughters room. So she goes to see what the sound was. She opens her daughters door and her daughter is lying spread eagle on the bed with a vibrator and she says what are yoo doing? Her daughter says mom i'm not married and i've never been with a man so this the only thing i can do. So she says o.k. and closes the door. Two days later her father comes and hears a strange noise coming from his daughters door and he goes to see what it is. And she tells her father the same thing she told her mother. The next day the mother comes home and hears buzzing from the living room and the mother says oh hell no shes not in the living room. She goes to the door and her husband is sitting in the couch on the table theirs a couple of beers and the vibrator is sitting next to him buzzing and the wife asks what the hell are you doing? The husband says i'm watching the football game with my son in law.

charlie53535

10-27-2005, 05:19 PM

Whats another name for a zipper?

..
..
..
..
A penis fly trap!!

Penny

10-27-2005, 06:19 PM

Thats cute :D

spare_change

10-27-2005, 06:24 PM

Penny, please define stories?

Penny -- I'm guessing the question is if erotic stories can be posted. Perhaps a new forum for that? I'm sure there are some members out there who would like to show off their literary talents.

Penny

10-27-2005, 06:28 PM

I have seen a few stories people PM ed me with and they usually contain sex with people under the age of 19 :( That kind of stuff could get me in big trouble :(

spare_change

10-27-2005, 06:31 PM

I have seen a few stories people PM ed me with and they usually contain sex with people under the age of 19 :( That kind of stuff could get me in big trouble :(

So, a set of rules and a good overview will handle the problem. First violation - they are outta there -- no more stories posted.

mometal77

10-27-2005, 07:58 PM

Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."
>
>A policeman, seeing the sign,
>stopped them and told them
>they'd either have to remove the sign
>or go to jail.
>
>
>Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
>"JESUS SAVES."
>
>One of the girls asked the officer,
>"How come you don't stop them?!"
>
>"Well, that's a little different,"
>the officer smiled .
>"Their sign pertains to religion."
>
>So the two ladies of the night frowned
>as they took their sign down and drove off.
>
>The following day found the same police officer
>in the area when he noticed the two ladies
>driving around with a large sign on their car again.
>
>Figuring he had an easy arrest,
>he began to catch up with them
>when he noticed the new sign which now read:
>
>"Two Fallen Angels
>Seeking Peter -- $50.00.",

mometal77

10-27-2005, 08:00 PM

one for halloween hehe..
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not
going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without
pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with

every nice chick he
could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time
to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little
bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and
went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind
of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I
never have a good time when
you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we
went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not
going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume
to......."

mometal77

10-27-2005, 08:01 PM

Everything Has A Gender. You may not know this but many nonliving
things have a gender:

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can
see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain
water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, becaus e over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't
you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
trying!

mometal77

10-27-2005, 08:03 PM

Two farmers were leaning over a fence discussing Christmas, when
the first farmer says that he has bought his wife a fur coat and
a Mercedes Benz for Christmas.

The second farmer asks why he bought her a Mercedes and a fur
coat. The first farmer replies that if she doesn't like the coat
she can drive in the Mercedes to take it back. The second farmer
nods his head as if understanding the reasoni
mommy says:
the reasoning behind the
answer.

The first farmer asks the second what he got his wife for
Christmas. He replies that he bought his wife a pair of slippers
and a vibrator. The first farmer asks why he bought these
combination of presents. The second farmer replies that if she
doesn't like the slippers she can go and f..k herself.

Penny

10-27-2005, 10:39 PM

welcome mometal :D

mometal77

10-28-2005, 05:51 AM

I hope it is okay to post this i go to these to laugh and sometimes on the pics i get other good sites.. With this forum i am still trying to figure out things like how to post my own pic on the avatar.. i hope u all like the funnies..
http://www.watchersweb.com/sub_index.php?cat=FunnyFarm
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/papasmurf.php
http://www.hekkuli.org/~hekkuli/pics/
http://www.hekkuli.org/~hekkuli/pics/bart.gif
u ladies will like this one
http://fun.from.hell.pl/2003-11-24/bubblewrap.swf
write your name in yellow snow
http://www.panlogic.net/yellowsnow/peeindex.html
http://fun.plaisthos.de/bilder/erotik/
just wrong
http://www.dogcondoms.com/
welcome mometal :D

Norfolkdave

10-28-2005, 07:47 AM

this was from my email friend this morning

Irish Ghost Story
>>
>>
>>This story happened about a month ago in a little town in
Ireland,
>and even
>>though it may sound like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real!
>>
>>
>>It was the middle of a very dark and stormy night, a guy was
on the
>side of
>>the road hitch hiking. As the night rolled on, cars were
scarce, and
>no
>>lights lined the street. The storm was so strong he could
barely see
>a few
>>feet ahead of him.
>>
>>
>>Suddenly in the distance he saw the head lights of a car
coming
>towards him
>>and without any reason it slowed to a stand still beside him.
>>
>>
>>Without hesitation, the guy hurriedly gets into the car and
closes
>the door
>>only to realize there is no one sitting behind the wheel. All
of a
>sudden
>>the car begins to move, the guy looks at the road ahead and
notices a
>sharp
>>curve coming his way.
>>
>>
>>Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. Still in
shock, but
>just
>>before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window
and turns
>the
>>wheel. Paralysed with terror, the guy watches how the hand
appears
>every
>>time they approach a curve.
>>
>>
>>Gathering all the strength he has, the guy grabs the door
latch,
>rolls out
>>onto the pavement and runs as fast as he can to the nearest
town.
>>
>>
>>Dripping wet and in shock the guy runs into a crowded local
bar, asks
>for
>>two shots of whisky and begins to tell everybody about the
horrible
>>experience he just went through. Everyone is glued in silence
and
>amazement
>>as they notice the guy shaking, crying but clearly not drunk.
About
>half an
>>hour later two guys walk into the same bar and in amazement
one says
>to the
>>other.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Look Mick, there's that bollox that got in the car when we
were
>pushing it!"

mometal77

10-28-2005, 04:08 PM

Love it dave. There was once a true story where a guy was riding his harley on the interstate. And as he went to passended up next to a truck and trailer the wind threw his motorcyle under the truck here he is holding on for dear life on the back of the axles attached to the airbreak system and his handle bars dragging on the concrete then his foot peg catches a break in the interestate flinging him and the motorcycle into the ditch un harmed the truck driver stopped and said he saw the whole thing and worrried to stop over he didnt know if that would have killed him.. Interesting things happen out there.

this was from my email friend this morning

Irish Ghost Story
>>
>>
>>This story happened about a month ago in a little town in
Ireland,
>and even
>>though it may sound like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real!
>>
>>
>>It was the middle of a very dark and stormy night, a guy was
on the
>side of
>>the road hitch hiking. As the night rolled on, cars were
scarce, and
>no
>>lights lined the street. The storm was so strong he could
barely see
>a few
>>feet ahead of him.
>>
>>
>>Suddenly in the distance he saw the head lights of a car
coming
>towards him
>>and without any reason it slowed to a stand still beside him.
>>
>>
>>Without hesitation, the guy hurriedly gets into the car and
closes
>the door
>>only to realize there is no one sitting behind the wheel. All
of a
>sudden
>>the car begins to move, the guy looks at the road ahead and
notices a
>sharp
>>curve coming his way.
>>
>>
>>Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. Still in
shock, but
>just
>>before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window
and turns
>the
>>wheel. Paralysed with terror, the guy watches how the hand
appears
>every
>>time they approach a curve.
>>
>>
>>Gathering all the strength he has, the guy grabs the door
latch,
>rolls out
>>onto the pavement and runs as fast as he can to the nearest
town.
>>
>>
>>Dripping wet and in shock the guy runs into a crowded local
bar, asks
>for
>>two shots of whisky and begins to tell everybody about the
horrible
>>experience he just went through. Everyone is glued in silence
and
>amazement
>>as they notice the guy shaking, crying but clearly not drunk.
About
>half an
>>hour later two guys walk into the same bar and in amazement
one says
>to the
>>other.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Look Mick, there's that bollox that got in the car when we
were
>pushing it!"

mometal77

10-28-2005, 06:02 PM

This is such an invasion of privacy by our new Homeland Security. You can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all! Maybe we should start up a petition or something protesting this.

Go to the website below and check it out. It's unbelievable! Just enter your name, City and state to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove". This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.

http://www.license.shorturl.com/

Norfolkdave

10-29-2005, 05:51 PM

almighty has spoken

Sandy

10-29-2005, 10:23 PM

weybeaver you have got one hell of a good sense of humor i love it. :lmao

MCat

10-30-2005, 03:52 PM

I will seek and find you

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot

Norfolkdave

10-30-2005, 05:24 PM

Brilliant Mary Brilliant

Norfolkdave

11-03-2005, 06:33 AM

Penny

11-03-2005, 04:00 PM

Dave links are fine Its the pictures that cause problems.

Penny asked me to remove my links, I guess you better do the same old friend:wa:

Roach420

11-03-2005, 10:11 PM

It's better to fish close to home than drive 5 miles and have the same LUCK!!!! Mark Twain

Norfolkdave

11-04-2005, 05:20 AM

Dave links are fine Its the pictures that cause problems.

I have removed nearly all my links there is a picture left I think of Walsingham where I live, I have scoured most threads and hurt my eyes looking, if u find it remove it I wont mind. I,ll have to put on as attachments. Again penny I am sorry I didnt know.:wa:

GeekMaster

11-04-2005, 07:36 AM

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama in Baton Rouge, LA, yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his Aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New Orleans Saints football team, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.

GeekMaster

11-04-2005, 08:06 AM

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife "Sexy" mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "Geek,You should be hung."
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

GeekMaster

11-04-2005, 08:32 AM

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE
ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK
STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Wet Beaver

11-06-2005, 08:13 PM

so this is what they do in canada....no wonder i like jugs so much....:kk

http://www.stuntcook.com/index.php?i=13076

11-06-2005, 08:48 PM

You're my favourite beaver WB! Welcome back! :kk (a wet, sloppy kiss with lots of tongue)

so this is what they do in canada....no wonder i like jugs so much....:kk

http://www.stuntcook.com/index.php?i=13076

Wet Beaver

11-06-2005, 08:53 PM

You're my favourite beaver WB! Welcome back! :kk (a wet, sloppy kiss with lots of tongue)

thank you....i can think of a better use for your tongue:lf ...only if i didn't have to work tonight....:(

11-06-2005, 09:08 PM

I'll see you in my dreams, sweetie.:gs

Wet Beaver

11-06-2005, 09:41 PM

sweet dreams......

11-06-2005, 11:25 PM

with you in them, guaranteed.

Norfolkdave

11-07-2005, 05:02 AM

so this is what they do in canada....no wonder i like jugs so much....:kk

http://www.stuntcook.com/index.php?i=13076

A dozen bottles may be enough to chase beaver:drink:

Wet Beaver

11-09-2005, 06:08 PM

Heated bra aims to save the world

"We hope this will not only help prevent global warming but also provide a little fashion chic to the office," the company said in a statement.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/4420820.stm

spare_change

11-09-2005, 06:11 PM

Sandy

11-09-2005, 06:25 PM

omg i can't believe that. whats next? heated jock straps? lol

Norfolkdave

11-09-2005, 06:26 PM

Barkiss

11-09-2005, 06:27 PM

omg i can't believe that. whats next? heated jock straps? lol

hmm...reminds me of the Ben-gay locker room trick...;)

spare_change

11-09-2005, 06:28 PM

hmm...reminds me of the Ben-gay locker room trick...;)

Been there -- didn't like it!!! Got even!!!

Sandy

11-09-2005, 06:29 PM

lol. how did you get even?

Wet Beaver

11-09-2005, 06:29 PM

omg i can't believe that. whats next? heated jock straps? lol

would you like your wiener
warm..... or hot....

Barkiss

11-09-2005, 06:29 PM

Been there -- didn't like it!!! Got even!!!

I got even too...I used Nair..;)

Wet Beaver

11-09-2005, 06:30 PM

hmm...reminds me of the Ben-gay locker room trick...;)

you must have made someone mad.....

Sandy

11-09-2005, 06:31 PM

lmao they really made you mad didn't they?

Penny

11-09-2005, 07:40 PM

OMG I would buy one lol

Wet Beaver

11-10-2005, 06:45 PM

http://www.funnies.com/couple.swf

Barkiss

11-10-2005, 07:02 PM

http://www.funnies.com/couple.swf

I hope you continued reading...;)

Wet Beaver

11-10-2005, 07:04 PM

I hope you continued reading...;)

of course not...... because i am perfect....:na

Barkiss

11-10-2005, 07:05 PM

of course not...... because i am perfect....:na

so you did...;)

Sandy

11-10-2005, 08:13 PM

omg i love the things you find wet. lol

SirFox

11-11-2005, 06:22 AM

omg i love the things you find wet. lol

I figured that I would see you here MyWifeMark.

As for you WB, keep looking for those funnies!

Norfolkdave

11-11-2005, 07:06 AM

Here are ffox;

Dogs don't cry:lmao

Dogs love it when your friends come over

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo

Dogs think you sing great

A dogs time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink

Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late

The later you are the more excited dogs are to see you

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs:lmao

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away

Dogs understand that passing gas is funny

If a dog is gorgeous other dogs don't hate it

Dogs don't shop

Dogs like it when you leave things on the floor

A dogs disposition stays the same all month long

Dogs never need to examine the relationship

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions

Dogs don't hate their bodies

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across

Dogs never expect gifts:lmao

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives

Dogs don't borrow your shirts

dogs can't talk

Dogs aren't catty:lmao

Sandy

11-11-2005, 09:20 AM

of course you'll find me here. what can i say? i have a perverted sense of humor. and it seems like wetbeaver does to. bar you to. :lmao

GeekMaster

11-11-2005, 10:35 AM

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"

The other guy says, "Okay, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first; a horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh?... Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"

Norfolkdave

11-11-2005, 12:55 PM

Life is wonderful. Without it we'd all be dead.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.:lmao

Wet Beaver

11-11-2005, 01:12 PM

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted to.

THE END

Sandy

11-11-2005, 04:49 PM

lol i like that one. lmao

Norfolkdave

11-11-2005, 06:21 PM

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.:lmao

MCat

11-11-2005, 06:56 PM

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very, very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.

Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I also suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! It comes with several support programs, such as: Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs; improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.

Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend: Flowers 2.1, Hugs 4.3 and especially Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3.

This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

MCat

11-11-2005, 07:06 PM

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,

"I've heard just about enough of your degrading blonde jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde says,

"You stay out of this, Mister!

I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

Sandy

11-11-2005, 08:08 PM

lol i don't have small feet dave i just wish i did. :lmao

11-11-2005, 11:56 PM

Stop it MC!! You're killing me! :rofl1:

Norfolkdave

11-12-2005, 06:23 AM

lol i don't have small feet dave i just wish i did. :lmao

Who washes, a joint effect!

11-12-2005, 11:17 AM

I have very small feet and a dishwasher. So there.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.:lmao

Norfolkdave

11-12-2005, 11:19 AM

I have very small feet and a dishwasher. So there.

Lucky you.......little else then...LOL:lmao

Sandy

11-13-2005, 11:14 AM

dang m.c. that was funny and cold. :lmao

SirFox

11-13-2005, 04:44 PM

of course you'll find me here. what can i say? i have a perverted sense of humor. and it seems like wetbeaver does to. bar you to. :lmao

MC and WB: Do you think we should give ourselves a Master in Perversion Language BS?

MCat

11-13-2005, 05:01 PM

MC and WB: Do you think we should give ourselves a Master in Perversion Language BS?

And I assume the BS stands for Bull Shi-t...:D

SirFox

11-13-2005, 05:30 PM

And I assume the BS stands for Bull Shi-t...:D

I remember that there was at the University of Geneva a diploma that was called Master of Arts Honorus Causa..which translates as Master of Arts in Double Speak.

11-13-2005, 08:32 PM

Little else what? You know, I really don't get your humour, Dave.

Lucky you.......little else then...LOL:lmao

Wet Beaver

11-14-2005, 03:42 PM

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing."

Penny

11-14-2005, 03:43 PM

Lol

Sandy

11-15-2005, 01:28 AM

lmao:lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao

11-15-2005, 11:34 AM

That was hilarious WB!!! I just about peed myself reading that one!

Have I mentioned enough times how nice it is to have you back?

Wet Beaver

11-15-2005, 12:34 PM

That was hilarious WB!!! I just about peed myself reading that one!

Have I mentioned enough times how nice it is to have you back?

:knuddel:

Wet Beaver

11-15-2005, 12:35 PM

There was a father and his little boy that went into a local drug store to pick up a prescription. While in the store the little boy was looking around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and the different quantities.

The little boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, what are these condoms?"

The father, stuttered, and said "Well, they are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love."

The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked "Then, why do these come in a package of three?"

The father coyly answered "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon."

"UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?"

The father smirked "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon."

"WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked "Well, then why are these packaged a dozen at a time?"

The father answered "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February..."

SirFox

11-15-2005, 06:44 PM

Hey Wet Beaver that was good although not a pisser ......Keep them coming.

spare_change

11-16-2005, 01:14 PM

Men !!!!!

The five things you should NEVER, NEVER, EVER say in Victoria's Secret!!!!

5. Wow, that would look good on Mom !!!!!

4. Does that come in children's sizes???

3. No, you don't need to wrap it --- I will eat it here!!!

2. Don't mind me -- I will just be over here in the corner -- going blind!!!

and the no. 1 thing you should NEVER EVER say in Victoria's Secret!!

(drumroll please!!!)

1. Honey,you will never get your fat ass in those!!!!

Sandy

11-16-2005, 01:38 PM

lmao

not if you want to live you won't. :lmao :lmao :lmao

spare_change

11-17-2005, 03:59 PM

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ...Good Lord, she's fainted!...

Wet Beaver

11-17-2005, 04:21 PM

1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False

2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False

15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
True or False

16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False

23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve".
True or False

spare_change

11-17-2005, 04:31 PM

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob......Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Evie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Evie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Evie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Signed, Bob

EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly Thursday May 26. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing...His wife Evie was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

spare_change

11-17-2005, 04:49 PM

A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the house. He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was. The preacher, seeing this, said "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd fit in here right now."

"Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times already."

SirFox

11-17-2005, 05:43 PM

Sandy

11-17-2005, 08:38 PM

lmao at yours wb and yours sc:lmao :lmao :lmao

MCat

11-18-2005, 07:27 AM

These are great you guys...nice to start the day with a good laugh

GeekMaster

11-19-2005, 11:19 AM

While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing? I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied."You gotta be kiddin' me."

No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said,

"This just isn't gonna be your day..."

MCat

11-19-2005, 11:28 AM

"This just isn't gonna be your day..."

This is one to pass on...:lmao

GeekMaster

11-19-2005, 11:36 AM

New hinge needed:

Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish w! aiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"

Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"'

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

GeekMaster

11-19-2005, 11:41 AM

I knew it...... I knew it! I knew they would finally release the
ingredients in Viagra!

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

Norfolkdave

11-19-2005, 11:46 AM

I knew it...... I knew it! I knew they would finally release the
ingredients in Viagra!

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

it was the 5% spray starch and the 87& Fix-a-flat that has made me giddy;)

GeekMaster

11-19-2005, 12:45 PM

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY.

Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

It will Drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

*** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!!! THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!

Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And look at you - you're on the computer!!!!

SirFox

11-19-2005, 12:47 PM

it was the 5% spray starch and the 87& Fix-a-flat that has made me giddy;)

Hey Man you are better than you were sounding on the other thread! :wa:

SirFox

11-19-2005, 12:51 PM

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY......

......Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And look at you - you're on the computer!!!!

"A"for trying and an "A" for making me laugh so hard with those three jokes that I fell off my chair...

Now just a question....can I send you the doctor's bill for patching my head?
:rofl1:

GeekMaster

11-19-2005, 03:59 PM

This made me laugh out loud.. I hope it will bring a smile to your face...

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived,examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came

MCat

11-19-2005, 05:58 PM

TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY
AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T

Reach in and grab the giblets.

Whew, that's one terrific spread!

I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

Tying the legs together
will keep the insides moist.

Talk about a huge breast!

"and he forced his way into the end zone..."

She's 5000 pounds fully inflated
and it takes 15 men to hold her down.

It's Cool Whip time!!!!

If I don't unbuckle my pants,
I'm going to burst!

It must be broken, cause when
I push on the tip, nothing squirts out!

Sandy

11-19-2005, 07:42 PM

thanks guys i really need a laugh today. :lmao

Norfolkdave

11-20-2005, 07:25 AM

Hey Man you are better than you were sounding on the other thread! :wa:
Getting a wee bit better still not correct:D

Norfolkdave

11-20-2005, 08:03 AM

Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June.

The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns.

"What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

Sandy

11-20-2005, 10:43 AM

lol i like that 1 dave. :lmao :lmao

11-21-2005, 11:19 AM

Good ones everyone! Geek, you're on a roll! I jsut about peed my pants over the breastfed one.

Dave, you must be feeling a little better; sounds like you're back to your usual self. I laughed out loud at that one!!:D

spare_change

11-21-2005, 11:48 AM

Four nuns were going to confession one day.

The first came out of the confessional, went to the holy water, and dabbed a little on her eyes. The others, curious, asked what she did to warrant such an unusual penance. The nun said, "I told Father that, the other day, as I walked past his room, the door was ajar. I peeked in, and I saw his PENIS! He told me it would be okay, just dab holy water on my offending eyes, say three Hail Marys and I would be forgiven."

The second nun entered the confessional. Shortly, she came out, went to the holy water, and began to wash her hands. Curious, the nuns asked what she had done to cause such a strange penance. The nun said, "I told Father that the other night, when the plumber was here, I saw him in the bathroom, and he had his PENIS out!! I couldn't help myself -- I had never seen one, and I just had to touch it. Father said that I should wash the offending part in holy water, say 10 Hail Marys and I would be forgiven."

The nun at the end of the line turned to the other, and said, "I want to go next. I have to go next!!"

"Goodness, " said the other nun, "why do you have to go next??"

"If you think I am going to drink that water after you have sat in it, you're crazy!"

Sandy

11-21-2005, 12:49 PM

lmao

:lmao

Norfolkdave

11-21-2005, 01:06 PM

Norfolkdave

11-21-2005, 01:39 PM

A Mormon bishop, a Catholic priest, and a TV evangelist were fishing from a boat in the middle of a small lake. The priest realized that he'd left his tackle box in his car, and, not wanting to disturb the other two, got out of the boat and walked over the water to the shore, got his gear, walked back, and started fishing.

An hour or so passed, and the bishop began to feel a little hungry. His lunch was back in his car, though. . . . So, he got out of the boat, walked over the water, got his lunch, came back, and nibbled on his sandwich.

The evangelist, not to be outdone, decided that he'd best go for a walk, too. He mumbled something about going to the bathroom, stood up, stepped over the side of the boat . . . and splashed into the lake.

The priest, chuckling, said to the bishop, "Think we should've told him about those submerged rocks?" Said the bishop, "what rocks??"

11-21-2005, 02:29 PM

I see your sense of humour has recovered though!

SirFox

11-21-2005, 04:04 PM

You sound chirpy, David. Can we consider that you are well now?

Wet Beaver

11-21-2005, 07:52 PM

http://www.thesun.co.uk/popupWindow/0,,13-2005530171,00.html

i think it may be photoshoped....

spare_change

11-21-2005, 07:54 PM

http://www.thesun.co.uk/popupWindow/0,,13-2005530171,00.html

i think it may be photoshoped....

I guess there truly is too MUCH of a good thing!!!

Sandy

11-21-2005, 08:06 PM

yes there is such a thing spare. lol

spare_change

11-21-2005, 08:25 PM

yes there is such a thing spare. lol

Wanna see?

Sandy

11-21-2005, 08:30 PM

ok when do you want to show me?

:D

spare_change

11-21-2005, 08:32 PM

ok when do you want to show me?

:D

Well, we will have to get the freeway blocked first ...... and then, there is the warning to low flying aircraft.

Sandy

11-21-2005, 08:33 PM

ok and then?

:D

spare_change

11-21-2005, 08:44 PM

ok and then?

:D

Probably have to move the house next door -- need the space.

And, God forbid if i have to turn around.

SirFox

11-21-2005, 08:45 PM

Waiting Spare.....

Penny

11-21-2005, 10:46 PM

Omg:boobs:

spare_change

11-21-2005, 11:39 PM

Damn--- now I got to hang lights on the dang thing!!!

Wet Beaver

11-21-2005, 11:41 PM

Damn--- now I got to hang lights on the dang thing!!!

is that so you can find it in the middle of the night??

spare_change

11-21-2005, 11:48 PM

is that so you can find it in the middle of the night??

Nope -- traffic control.

Wet Beaver

11-21-2005, 11:48 PM

Nope -- traffic control.

the flys??

Norfolkdave

11-22-2005, 06:46 AM

I see your sense of humour has recovered though!

You like it then!:lmao

Norfolkdave

11-22-2005, 06:49 AM

You sound chirpy, David. Can we consider that you are well now?

Im 75% better but still have this rotten stiff neck and giddy spells, get rid of these Ill be ok. But consider me nearly there.:wa:

SirFox

11-22-2005, 07:46 AM

Im 75% better but still have this rotten stiff neck and giddy spells, get rid of these Ill be ok. But consider me nearly there.:wa:

DAVID: Hope you will get better quickly. We need everyone here, you know?

Sandy

11-22-2005, 08:55 AM

hey can they be christmas lights, you know the ones that twinkle and run real fast. :D

Norfolkdave

11-22-2005, 11:48 AM

The six men in a woman's life who turn her on

The Doctor because he says; "Take your clothes off"
The Dentist because he says; "Open wide"
The Milkman because he says; "Do you want it in the front or the back"
The Hairdresser because he says; "Do you want it teased or blown"
The Interior Decorator because he says; "Once it's in, you'll love it"
The Banker because he says; "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest":D

kissiemybuttie

11-22-2005, 03:27 PM

Just remember the man or woman that said...."my right leg is Thanksgiving....my left leg is Christmas....please come visit between the holidays!!!!!"

SirFox

11-22-2005, 03:40 PM

Kissie was that a woman or a man who said that?

kissiemybuttie

11-22-2005, 03:47 PM

it was a man who said it to me....but what would you do if a woman said it to you????

Sandy

11-22-2005, 04:09 PM

he'd jump on it of course. lol:D

kissiemybuttie

11-22-2005, 04:24 PM

lol yeah me toooooo

Norfolkdave

11-22-2005, 06:01 PM

he'd jump on it of course. lol:D

Please o please dont move, otherwise we certainly have a problem.:D

SirFox

11-22-2005, 06:58 PM

it was a man who said it to me....but what would you do if a woman said it to you????

and I would indulge in getting to know that woman better. She would intrigue me and I would like to know what is making her tick...

spare_change

11-22-2005, 07:00 PM

and I would indulge in getting to know that woman better. She would intrigue me and I would like to know what is making her tick...

i, on the other hand, would try to find what there is to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!

watmi

11-23-2005, 01:28 AM

That might be more true than we care to know. I sure don't want to run in to that bunch anywhere.

Wet Beaver

11-23-2005, 10:44 PM

it takes a man to wreck a good bubble bath......

http://www.idleriot.com/media/videos/Funny/128/How_men_screw_up_romance.html

11-23-2005, 10:54 PM

Did I send you that one WB? Or did it find its way to your neck of the woods already?

jon41

11-24-2005, 07:50 AM

My friend went to the zoo, there was only one animal on show - a dog.

It was a Shitzu

Sandy

11-24-2005, 09:50 AM

lmao :lmao

Roach420

11-24-2005, 08:19 PM

a wink and a nod is the same to a blind horse!or i think i'm flogging a dead horse!:drink:why do women like hunters,because they go deep in the bush,they usually shoot twice,and whatever they shoot they EAT!:lmao

Sandy

11-24-2005, 09:27 PM

lmao:lmao :lmao :lmao

Wet Beaver

11-25-2005, 10:36 PM

Did I send you that one WB? Or did it find its way to your neck of the woods already?

you didn't sug...amazing how fast the internet is .....

11-25-2005, 11:21 PM

It's a good one, isn't it? I can see my husband doing something like that.

Wet Beaver

11-26-2005, 01:32 AM

It's a good one, isn't it? I can see my husband doing something like that.

what is about men and beer??:D

GeekMaster

11-26-2005, 09:36 AM

what is about men and beer??:D

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball/soccer/basketball/etc.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer always goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
26. Good beer costs less than good women.
27. A beer doesn't change its mind after you've taken off its top.
28. Beer doesn't expect an hour of foreplay before satisfying you.
29. A beer looks as good in the morning as it did when the bar closed.
30. You can't get thrown in jail for having a beer under the grandstand at halftime.
31. Afterwards, a beer won't feel guilty, cry, propose, call her mother, your ex-wife or her therapist.
32. Beer never bugs you to have little beers.
33. If your preference for a type of beer changes, you don't have to get involved with lawyers.
34. Beers don't want a lasting relationship.
35. A beer doesn't make you sleep onthe couch after you've taken six other beers on a picnic.
36. After you've put your lips to a beer, a beer never asks, "What are you doing?"
37. Finishing a beer in 3 seconds is something to be proud of.
38. You can have a beer on your lunch hour.
39. A beer never wants to stay up afterwards talking about respect.
40. A beer won't slap you in the face for putting it between your legs at a drive-in movie.

Sandy

11-26-2005, 09:49 AM

you men always find a way and reason to have it don't you. :D

Norfolkdave

11-26-2005, 10:18 AM

you men always find a way and reason to have it don't you. :D

Have what sandy...LOL:lmao

Norfolkdave

11-26-2005, 10:18 AM

Good one Geek

Sandy

11-26-2005, 10:34 AM

your beer what else is there?

:D

Norfolkdave

11-26-2005, 10:49 AM

your beer what else is there?

:D

Its not beer thats for sure:lmao

Sandy

11-26-2005, 10:51 AM

lmao:lmao :lmao

SirFox

11-26-2005, 11:12 AM

it takes a man to wreck a good bubble bath......

http://www.idleriot.com/media/videos/Funny/128/How_men_screw_up_romance.html

If you look at the following ad on idelriot.com after the one that WB presented us with, you will find a short video much more funny than the man that jumps into the bathtub with a beer!

I suppose it all depends which side of the windshield you are on

http://www.idleriot.com/media/videos/Funny/94/Woman_WAY_too_attached_to_her_car.html

Norfolkdave

11-26-2005, 11:25 AM

lmao:lmao :lmao

you sexy woman you;)

GeekMaster

11-26-2005, 12:13 PM

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

**********************************************

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed

Rich as Hell and Free!

SirFox

11-26-2005, 12:47 PM

I wonder if we shouldn't start a thread on Divorce issues and Letters. Any ideas?

yaser

11-26-2005, 04:02 PM

Just remember the man or woman that said...."my right leg is Thanksgiving....my left leg is Christmas....please come visit between the holidays!!!!!"It must be a woman...because there is a holiday in the middle of the two.:kk

yaser

11-26-2005, 04:05 PM

Kissie was that a woman or a man who said that?FFox, it must be a woman because there is a holiday inn between the two legs...no a hill..

Penny

11-26-2005, 04:09 PM

My husband dont drink. I do all the drinking here :(

yaser

11-26-2005, 04:14 PM

I wonder if we shouldn't start a thread on Divorce issues and Letters. Any ideas?That is allright, ffox because divorcing is normal after we get to know the hot and horny ladies in this site...I started thinking to divorce my wife...she seems not good to me...:drink: Flirting is better than staying married.I love flirting ..I hate marrying...

Sandy

11-26-2005, 05:35 PM

lmao good one geek:lmao

SirFox

11-27-2005, 08:39 PM

FFox, it must be a woman because there is a holiday inn between the two legs...no a hill..

Yasar? Where is there a Holiday Inn between the legs? You mean you get PRIORITY CLUB specials by staying on a ladies legs? Hey I might still make it to Las Vegas before I die.....with the frequent flyier leg program of HOLIDAY INN.

:drink:

kissiemybuttie

11-28-2005, 02:05 AM

here is a little cutie...or i thought so anyway......tell spouse......my right leg is thanksgiving...left leg is christmas.....please come visit between the holidays!!!!!

Norfolkdave

11-28-2005, 10:54 AM

A priest had lost his cock (Male hen) and didn't know where to find it. So at the sermon next day he asked, "Has anybody got the cock?" All the men stood up.

"No! no! I mean has anybody seen the cock?" All the women folk stood up.

"No! no! I mean has anybody seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up.:lmao

Krazi0469

11-28-2005, 10:58 AM

Norfolkdave

11-28-2005, 11:01 AM

lmao that made my day... i cant stop laughin:lmao

Keep laughing

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before"

The second one replies "Must be the cobbles":D

Norfolkdave

11-28-2005, 01:20 PM

The head Nun of the convent called all 100 Nuns into the foyer for an emergency meeting.

"Last night," She started "I found something terrible in one of the sisters rooms."
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

"A condom!" said the head Nun.
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

Head Nun "And it was used!"
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"

Head Nun "And it had a hole in it!"
1 Nun "Oh no"
99 Nuns "He, he"

Trev

11-28-2005, 01:21 PM

THE REDHEAD
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, and then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

Sandy

11-28-2005, 03:00 PM

lmao:lmao

charlie53535

11-28-2005, 04:31 PM

I wanna suck you... …..
I wanna lick you...
I wanna move my tongue all over you... .
I wanna feel you in my mouth...
…..yep,
that's how you.……
eat an ice cream!

charlie53535

11-28-2005, 04:34 PM

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

spare_change

11-28-2005, 07:50 PM

Then there was the engineer who lost his job (like that ever happens!). After about a month, he calls his wife into the study. "Honey," he says, "we are going to lose the house. We just can't make the payments."

"Isnt there anything I can do?", she asked. He thought a minute and said, "Sweetie -- you have never worked. The only things you can do is cook and fuck, and you will never make enough money cooking."

"But there's got to be something," she said. He thought some more, and finally, with a sigh, said, "Hun, do you think you could become a hooker? I know it wouldn't be fun for you -- but you are good at it -- and we really need the money to save the house."

She thought about it for a moment, and finally said, "But, I wouldn't know what to do."

"It's okay," he said, "we will set you up in business right outside. Then, if you have any questions, you can just run in and ask me."

So, she agreed. She put on her sluttiest outfit -- from fuck me pumps, to fishnet stockings, to the black hotpants and the pink shirt cut all the way down to there, and went out to stand on the curb.

About 15 minutes later, a long black limousine pulls up, and the back window slides down. She walks over, and the good looking guy in the back ask, "Are you open for business?"

"Oh, yes," she says, "I want to party."

"How much to party with me?" he asked.

"Uhhhh -- just a minute." she says, and turns and runs into the house. Her husband, standing by the window, says "what's the problem?"

"Honey, he wants to party. How much should I charge him?" Her husband thinks a minute, and says "You're pretty good in bed. Tell him it is $100 for straight sex and $25 for a blowjob. He looks rich. He will go for it."

She runs back to the car, leans in the window, and says, "Mister, it's $100 for straight sex and $25 for a blowjob." The guy looks at her and says, "How much for half and half?" She looks startled, says, "Just a minute.", and flees into the house again.

"What now?" her husband asks. "He wants half and half!!" she says, "I don't even know what that is!!" "OHHH", he says, "that's half blowjob and half straight sex. He will want to cum on your tits!! That's a special treatment. Tell him it is $200 !!"

Quickly, she runs back to the car, leans in the window and tells the customer it is $200 for half and half.

The guy thinks a minute, and says,"Do you take credit cards?" "Oh no," she says,"it has to be in cash!!" The guy pulls out his wallet and says, "All I have is $28. I guess I will have the blowjob."

She climbs into the back of the car, and the guy unzips his pants and pulls out the biggest cock she has ever seen in her life. It must be 15 inches long and 6 inches around. She touches it, and it quivers in her hand.

"Just a minute," she says, jumps out of the car, and runs into the house.

"Now what the hell is the problem?" her husband asks.

Gasping, she says, "Honey -- his cock is two feet long!!! I have never seen one like that!!"

"Well, you can handle it," he says, "just don't be afraid."

"Oh, i'm not afraid," she says, "I'm wondering if we can loan him $72!!"

spare_change

11-28-2005, 07:57 PM

Guy comes home from work one day. His wife is there to meet him at the door.

"Hun," she says, "the refrigerator isn't working!"

Grumbling, he said, "I work hard all day. Call a repairman to fix it. Who do I look like -- a repairman??"

The next day, as the guy enters the house, his wife is there to meet him again. "Hun - the sink is plugged up."

"Call somebody, " he growls,"who do I look like - a plumber??"

The third day, as he opens the door, there she stands again. "Hun - the furnace quit working."

"Well, goddamnit!! Call somebody -- what do I look like - A furnace repairman??
he shouted.

The fourth day, he walked in and his wife was there to greet him again.

"Ok," he grumbled, "what's broken today?"

"Oh nothing," she said, "I got them all fixed!"

"I suppose it cost me a fortune!", he said.

"Oh no," she said, "in fact that new neighbor, the nice Mr. Gimbelson fixed them all !! When I asked how much I owed him, he said nothing - I could either bake him a cake, or have an afternoon of wild sex with him!"

"Wow!" her husband said," what kind of cake did you bake hiim"

"Who do i look like? Betty Crocker?"

sweetgapeach

12-01-2005, 06:49 PM

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

Sandy

12-01-2005, 08:32 PM

lmao :lmao

sweetgapeach

12-01-2005, 08:47 PM

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

italian_princess0420

12-02-2005, 02:44 AM

i like the one about the cookoo clock....that was funny

Krazi0469

12-02-2005, 09:30 AM

lol........ that was funny:lmao :lmao :lmao

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Trev

12-09-2005, 12:13 PM

(This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!) This is the
message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted
unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about
because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be
responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and
teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed
to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during
the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In
order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen
to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0

* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behavior, classwork, homework and that it's
not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a
nice day!

If you can read this - thank a teacher! If you are reading it in English -
thank a veteran!

Trev

12-09-2005, 12:17 PM

A police officer sent this. It is not for the faint of heart. If you

have a weak stomach, then don't look at the URL.

It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after

he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will

see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of
the
bystanders is why I believe this is real.
http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg

Trev

12-09-2005, 12:22 PM

SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE

It takes more than four minutes to get out of your
car.

When backing into a parking spot, you just back up
until you hear something.

It scares you to drive the speed limit.

The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the
Amish.

You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

You inquired if the dealership could install
magnifying glass for the windshield.

Your turn signal has been on since 2003.

Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.

When the police pull you over, they're surprised to
find out you're sober.

tiger50

12-11-2005, 05:44 AM

if u dont get it, lol, best call me

Four union members were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first was a member of the Vehicle Builders Union who said that his dog could do maths calculations. His dog was named "T-Square" and he told him to go to the blackboard and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with cunsumate ease.

The Amalgamated Metal Workers Union member said he thought his dog was much better. His dog, named "Slide Rule", was told to fetch a dozen biscuits and divide them into four piles which Slide Rule did without problem.

The Liquor Trades members admitted that both were quite good but he felt his dog could out perform them. His dog named "Measure" was told to go and get a stubby of beer and pour seven ounces into a 10 ounce glass. The dog did this without a flaw.

They turned to the Waterside Workers Union member and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Waterside Worker called his dog, who was named "Tea Break" and said to him: "Show these bastardswhat you can do, mate."

Tea Break went over and ate the biscuits, drank the beer, pissed on the blackboard, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back, filed a workers compensation form and shot through on sick leave.

tiger50

12-11-2005, 06:43 AM

another on this sort of defines an aussie..lol

WE, the people of the broad brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional boong.

We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

WE are One Nation but we're divided into many States. First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "liveable." At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world, and is proud of it. It's mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation, where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowton, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts, and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet, and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The nation's capital. The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament while Brian bloody Harradine can get 24,000 votes and run the whole country.

Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude, and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning in the same breath. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing.

We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We don't know much about art but we know we hate the poofs who make it.

We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we're better than the Kiwis.

tiger50

12-11-2005, 09:11 AM

and onother

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf , drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good .... well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and
needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good.

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!

tiger50

12-11-2005, 09:43 AM

all you aussies, post a joke, show everyone our humour, how we take the piss out of each other and ourselves...lol
Gooo kevin bloody wilson...

Sandy

12-11-2005, 11:17 AM

:lmao

Wet Beaver

12-14-2005, 06:54 PM

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

Barkiss

12-14-2005, 06:56 PM

Wet Beaver

12-14-2005, 06:59 PM

Reasons Why Cookie Dough is Better than Men...

1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.

2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.

3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.

4. You always want to swallow.

5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.

6. It's "quick and convenient".

7. You can enjoy it more than once.

8. It comes already protectively wrapped.

9. You can make it as large as you want.

10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.

11. It's easier to get the kind you want.

12. You can comparison shop.

13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.

14. You can put it away when you've had enough.

15. You know yours has never been eaten before.

16. It won't complain if you chew on it.

17. It comes chocolate flavoured.

18. You always know when to get rid of it.

19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.

20. It's always ready to go.

21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.

22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.

23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.

24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.

25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging.

26. It won't take up room in your bed.

27. It's easy to pick up.

28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.

29. You know what the extra weight is from.

30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.

31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.

32. It is very pliable.

33. You can sculpt it into ANY form you want.

Trev

12-14-2005, 07:03 PM

Sandy

12-14-2005, 07:04 PM

amen sister :D

Waltert

12-14-2005, 08:24 PM

1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.
No Soft cookies are no good, but soft men are still cuddly!

2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
You have never had my aunt's anis cookies!

3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
Go ahead take your anger out, do you what a whip or paddle!

4. You always want to swallow.
But the liquid, slides down smoother on a sore throat.

5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.
What man would not want you to share him with a friend!

6. It's "quick and convenient".
After all the complaining that men are TOO quick and do not last long enough!

7. You can enjoy it more than once.
Once the cookie is gone it NEVER comes back!

8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
Who needs protection!

9. You can make it as large as you want.
Yes, but you can not watch a cookie grow!

10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
I would always let you come back for more.

11. It's easier to get the kind you want.
Only if you can make up your mind.

12. You can comparison shop.
That is what dating is for!

13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.
Men are like everyhting you justhave to go to the RIGHT store for the one you want.

14. You can put it away when you've had enough.
Yes but we you never want to put Men away.

15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
Just wash the man of first, he will be as good as new!

16. It won't complain if you chew on it.
OH that might be nice!

17. It comes chocolate flavoured.
Yes but men have fewer calories.

18. You always know when to get rid of it.
You never want to get rid of men, they never spoil!

19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
No one would ever want to return a MAN

20. It's always ready to go.
But the journey getting ready is half the fun of a Man.

21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
Well you have a point there, but do not let that stop you!

22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
Rough cookie crumb are the worst to sleep on.

23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.
Yes, but that is the enjoyable pleasurable way to wake up, beside if you want go ahead and sleep through it.

24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
Why would you want an excuse?

25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging.
Yes, but all those cookies are fattening!

26. It won't take up room in your bed.
But men help keep you warm in bed!

27. It's easy to pick up.
Yes but men are hard to put down because they are so pleasurable.

28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
all in the fun of it!

29. You know what the extra weight is from.
Either way you know!

30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
have you asked a cookie lately!

31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
I never had that problem so would not know about that!

32. It is very pliable.
Oh but that is not always a good thing.

33. You can sculpt it into ANY form you want.
yes but you can not make it grow!

Wet Beaver

12-14-2005, 08:26 PM

walter...try again....lol

Waltert

12-14-2005, 10:07 PM

NO I do not what to have to type all that again.

Beside It took some thinking and I do not want to have to do anymore of that, it is too much like work!

:lmao
walter...try again....lol

Wet Beaver

12-14-2005, 10:11 PM

, it is too much like work!

:lmao
i bet you say that to all the girls.....

Norfolkdave

12-15-2005, 06:47 AM

There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
but now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

Sandy

12-15-2005, 09:02 AM

:lmao

Krazi0469

12-15-2005, 09:12 AM

:lmao :lmao :lmao

SirFox

12-15-2005, 07:08 PM

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

Words to the wise,,,,that is actually.

Sunfiresix

12-15-2005, 07:13 PM

Great jokes Got me laughin out loud.

tiger50

12-16-2005, 04:07 AM

Aussie blokes wife is getting ready to go out for dinner with him, she tries on a dress and asks him "does my ass look fat in this" He said "it looks like a 4 burner barbecue", she looks at him in disgust but they go out for tea, get sozzled and when they get home he slaps her on the bum and asks her if she wants to shag, so she says "I'm not firing up a 4 burner BBQ for half a sausage!!"

Norfolkdave

12-16-2005, 06:40 AM

There once was a man from St. Claire,
Who was doing his girl on the stair.
The bannister broke,
So he quickened his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air!

sweetgapeach

12-17-2005, 11:55 AM

Bocabulary tes

Leroy was asked to do a simple homework assignment. But still
befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy remains ever the trooper.
He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.

Here's what he handed in:

1. HOTEL - My Momma said that she ain' gon tell her friend Shaqueta
nothing else, cause that HOTEL everythang she know.

2. HONOR ROLL - We was playing bidwiz on the stoop the other day and
man I was HONORROLL.

3. PLANET - Leroy got arrested cause he got him some seed to grow
weed, and he PLANET in the backyard.

4. DISMAY - I went for a blood t est, the doctor pulled out a needle
and said DISMAY hurt a little.

5. OMELETTE - I should punch you for what you jes said but OMELETTE
it go dis time.

6. STAIRWAY - Getting high is stupid. It makes you STAIRWAY into
space.

7. MOBILE - I went to buy some food, I was short on cash, and my man
said gimme one MOBILE.

8. DEFENSE - I saw this dude running from the cops, but he hopped
DEFENSE and got away

9. AFRO - I got so mad at my girl, AFRO a lamp at her.

10. AFTERMATH - I don't feel like being at school today so
AFTERMATH, I'm out.

11. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

12. DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday, so I got her a
DOMINEERING.

13. KENYA - I needed money for the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA
spare some change.

14. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and da antelope play.

15. DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points My coach
say DATA boy.

16.BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is dis
BEWARE I can get a job?"

17. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION smart.

18. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst, you'll be thrown
out de COATROOM."

19. DECIDE - My boy fronting' like he love his girl but eribody know
he got a couple of chicks on DECIDE.

20. FASCINATE - Her dress got 10 buttons, but she so big she can
only FASCINATE.

Norfolkdave

12-17-2005, 12:21 PM

Freddy's Tool

This is the tale of Freddy Law
whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door.
By the time they freed him, he didn't feel well
for his private parts were mangled to hell.

They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew,
but when they arrived, there's nought they could do.
What a bad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
to live with no sex and a high squeaking voice.

But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool,
some bright spark suggested a "Bionic Tool".
A smart new electric one, made out of brass,
though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse.

Now newly equipped and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put the tool to the test.
So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
supplied her with drink and made her feel randy

She, without waiting, put her hand in Fred's flies,
as she felt what was there, gave a cry of surprise.
"That's my Bionic Chopper. Now lets have some fun".
"Cor blimey" she said, "It felt like a gun."

They both stripped quick and Fred entered her fast,
he turned up the control knob and gave her full blast.
They clung to each other as Fred's dick shook some more,
then they bounced off the bed and onto the floor.

Now the pace hotted up and they started to choke,
as the room became filled with blue dirty smoke.
With a bang Fred's left bullock shot up in the air,
and his other one went bonkety-bonk down the stair.

So back for repair went Fred full of woe,
Was this how his sex life was destined to go ?
To return to his doctor at the end of each shag
with his tool in his pocket and his balls in a bag ?

But they fixed up young Fred, made him manly again,
for they boosted his batteries with a flex from the main.
So if he cant get a girl, now poor Fred doesn't cry,
he just flicks on the switch and jerks himself dry.