Humor at Work

[fly]

Police Comments (UNCLASSIFIED)

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around
the country, supposedly:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you
just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's
the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I
can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
Think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where
you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in
monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here."

[millenite]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

[millenite]

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

[P.R.]

I guess this is an ass hole ( O )

[Phlirt]

Police Comments (UNCLASSIFIED)

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around
the country, supposedly:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you
just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's
the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I
can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
Think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where
you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in
monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here."

That's some funny stuff right there... never heard that before!!
:lmao

[inquisitive]

LOL very funny

[FLfire4u(m)]

Police Comments (UNCLASSIFIED)

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around
the country, supposedly:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you
just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's
the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I
can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
Think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where
you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in
monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here." some other questions that used to be asked to drunks are:

1. How many nickels in a week, the standard answer is 5.
2. Do helicopters eat their young, standard answer is yes.:lmao

[fly]

OK.......this has NOTHING to do with work, but my sis emailed it to me and I thougth it was hillarious!!! Just had to share....

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my daughter asked.'
'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'

I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.'
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. 'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.'
'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.

[Sensual Woman]

announced over the loudspeaker...

"To the person who owns the silver Honda civic, your car is rolling down the driveway towards the street into traffic....you are lucky Mr. MacDougal ran and stopped it, pushed it into a parking space and put a rock under your tires to keep it from rolling again...PLEASE go outside and put your car in park..."

[CuriousOne]

:rofl1::lmao

OK.......this has NOTHING to do with work, but my sis emailed it to me and I thougth it was hillarious!!! Just had to share....


I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my daughter asked.'
'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'

I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.'
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. 'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.'

'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.