What about the kids??????

[oneqt]

Just read through the "Too much baggage" thread and the kids came up a few times. So I know for sure if it were not for the kids I would have been long gone. So here is the question, How long does one stick it out?

There is a balance between leaving enough time for myself to move on, meet someone....time is grinding on and on.....vs being a good dad.

[Annie]

A long time ago I asked myself the same question. I figured out that what I would do is, stay until what my son learns from us being together, is worse that what he might learn from us being apart.

I think there comes a time during some bad marriages, when two parents split up the kids are actually relieved. They just want an end to the bitterness and the fighting and the door slamming and you know what I mean....

[WandaRing]

I hear“I am staying for kids”, all the time. :whee: People think by staying with their spouse through thick and thin, that they are saving their children the trauma of a divorce, which is not always true; children are more resilient then what we give them credit for. If a couple is arguing, calling each other names, avoiding each other, sleeping in different rooms, or just not talking to each other, it can be more damaging and heartbreaking for the children to witness…why put them through that?:(

[Iwantutowantme]

I here “I am staying for kids”, all the time. :whee: People think by staying with their spouse through thick and thin, that they are saving their children the trauma of a divorce, which is not always true; children are more resilient then what we give them credit for. If a couple is arguing, calling each other names, avoiding each other, sleeping in different rooms, or just not talking to each other, it can be more damaging and heartbreaking for the children to witness…why put them through that?:(


I agree Annie. My father left when I was 4. My older siblings discribed to me the way my dad treated my mother. It was much better that he left me and eight brothers and sisters and married a younger woman. I grew up faster because of it. We were, in a sense, on our own. We 'stuck together' and kept on going....

[oneqt]

Hey thanks for the posts.....good stuff.

I am so mixed on this issue, being I work in a technical field I research, kind of what I do. The impact on kids of dicorce seems so scary. My heart wants more, I know the current situation is hard on my kids. I also want to be the best dad I can. Check these out:

"In about 99% of all the cases that Barb has consulted on or individuals she has treated for mental issues/problems (e.g., low self-esteem, lack of confidence, abandonment issues, fear of commitment, sexual promiscuity etc.,etc.) the common denominator of these issues is divorce. The impact that divorce has on children is shocking."

"Approximately 95% of children that are abused are perpetrated on by someone they know. The most frequent offender is a boyfriend, stepfather, stepbrother or someone outside the original family unit that is brought into the house after divorce, 75% of children that come from broken homes end up in divorce and 50% of them will never marry."

I know that every case is specific and of course just because I leave the above is not inevitable...but the stats tend to say it can be bad for the kids. I wish I knew......

[Lethe]

Man, this is a difficult subject. I'm not sure there is a right or wrong. Every situation is somewhat unique. I believe if there is verbal or physical abuse then a parting of the ways is probably best. Anything else, I just don't know. In my case there was verbal fighting, but that didn't cause the breakup. What really caused it was my ex placed her mother first in her life, our kids second, and me third. I wouldn't have minded sharing first with the kids or even being second to them. But when "momma" is first before everything, well, that just didn't fly. At the time I left (yes, I admit I left) our girls were 6 and 2. This went on before the first was born. It just got worse over time. I honestly tried to change things and live with it when I saw it wouldn't change. But I just couldn't. I'm not putting all the blame on her. I have just as much responsibility as anyone in it, as I have told her and our girls (after they were older of course).
It was very hard on our oldest for years. She had some behavioral problems caused by the divorce, thankfully nothing self-destructive. I talked and talked to her about it over the years and as she got older she started seeing what we were talking about. Now she's a happy young woman about to become a mother herself. I believe she is going to make an excellent mom.
Her sister doesn't remember me ever being there in the home. She thought it was strange that her friends dads lived with their mothers. THAT really made me feel guilty. But she has turned into a fine young woman also. She goes to church and has a strong faith in God. I really couldn't ask for more with them. I love both of them dearly and I make sure they know it.
Looking back, I believe our main problem was we married too young. I was 19 and she was 20. We were too emotionally immature to make a marriage work. I'm not saying that's true for everyone, but I know now it was true of us.
My parents divorced when I was a junior or senior in high school. I was actually glad. My mom was a screamer when they fought and sometimes actually threw things. I was happy for the peace and quiet when they split up. I love both of them still and have no ill feelings toward them at all (dad passed away in 1993 but I still love him).
So to end this rambling, I think there is no overall right or wrong answer as I said. My situations with divorce and children came out as well as can be expected I think. I know from experience that children whose parents get a divorce probably need more support and attention than others. But it's not necessarily a life-crippling situation if the parents stay involved with their kids and try to understand what the kids are feeling.

[p.J]

Excellent post sargethree, thanks for sharing... :)

[oneqt]

Hey thanks sargethree, the personal experiences add meaning. The stats are just numbers to me, thank you.


We fight, not physically but verbal, loud, sometimes mean stuff so, ya I know the kids are effected by that. Have had my son apologize for a fight the wife and I had. Broke my heart right there! I told him, hey little dude its not you at all, but he was feeling responsible none the less. What bull... I have talked to both of the kids since. this wears me down.....

[WandaRing]

Hey thanks for the posts.....good stuff.

I am so mixed on this issue, being I work in a technical field I research, kind of what I do. The impact on kids of dicorce seems so scary. My heart wants more, I know the current situation is hard on my kids. I also want to be the best dad I can. Check these out:

"In about 99% of all the cases that Barb has consulted on or individuals she has treated for mental issues/problems (e.g., low self-esteem, lack of confidence, abandonment issues, fear of commitment, sexual promiscuity etc.,etc.) the common denominator of these issues is divorce. The impact that divorce has on children is shocking."

"Approximately 95% of children that are abused are perpetrated on by someone they know. The most frequent offender is a boyfriend, stepfather, stepbrother or someone outside the original family unit that is brought into the house after divorce, 75% of children that come from broken homes end up in divorce and 50% of them will never marry."

I know that every case is specific and of course just because I leave the above is not inevitable...but the stats tend to say it can be bad for the kids. I wish I knew......

Being blissfully married and having happy and well adjusted children is the goal we all aim for, but we are human with feelings and we live in a world beyond our control at times. Sometimes virtuous choices and good intentions do not always work out for the best no matter how hard we try and we can find ourselves in bad situations.

Divorce is always a heartbreaking :cry: experience for everyone involved and it is never an easy choice to end a marriage. During my time working with children, I have observed children of divorce cope much better if the parents work as a team, have daily structure and routine in the child’s life and as hard as it can be, having open and civil talk around the child, allowing the child to see that although the marriage has ended both parents will always be involved in their life. Best of luck oneqt:kk

[Lethe]

[/QUOTE]I have talked to both of the kids since. this wears me down.....[/QUOTE]


I know exactly what you mean. My oldest daughter was very angry with me when the split-up happened. She always wanted to know "why" and would get mad as hell when I refused to tell her. Keep in mind she was only 6. My answer was always "when you are old enough to understand". That ALWAYS infuriated her to no end. But I was consistant with it. And it wore on me a lot. But I refused to tell her things that would sound like I was speaking badly of her mother. When she was about 14 or so I started telling her a few things that I knew she wanted to know and was mature enough to hear. But I didn't tell her everything. Over the next few years I would tell her a little more if she asked. By this time she had experienced enough in life that she could understand what I was telling her and had seen some things for herself. At 18 she was planning to leave home. Normal circumstances really, but she was moving in with her boyfriend and they were planning to get married. I wasn't too sure about this from my experience, but I talked to her about it and pretty much told her everything that had happened between me and her mom. I did it because I knew there were things she still wanted to know and I wanted to tell her about mistakes I felt her mom and I made because we were so young when we married. By this time all the old anger was gone and I think she really understood as well as she could what I was saying. I made sure she knew I wasn't bashing her mom, it was just what happened and both of us were to blame.

It was really hard for me sometimes, but I tried to keep the best interest of my girls in mind given the situation. I think that's really all anyone can do.

[lilolekimba67(f)]

I stayed with my ex for 18 years too long. Stayed because of the kids ,always fighting and slaming doors it wasnt worth me being down and out all the time. Made a run and doing way better and so is my youngest my oldest hates me for divorcing his father and then finding a way better guy

[simplygrace]

Dr. Laura says if you have young children you shoud wait till there out of the house. I personelly don't agree with that. When you meet someone special then it's right. you have to judge for yourself. But divorced you should wait at least 1 year before dating again. You need to rediscover yourself and baggage cleared before jumping right in.:)

[yaser]

Dr. Laura says if you have young children you shoud wait till there out of the house. I personelly don't agree with that. When you meet someone special then it's right. you have to judge for yourself. But divorced you should wait at least 1 year before dating again. You need to rediscover yourself and baggage cleared before jumping right in.:)
Grace, please mak sure you lover take care of your kids also..

[oneqt]

Dr. Laura says if you have young children you shoud wait till there out of the house. I personelly don't agree with that. When you meet someone special then it's right. you have to judge for yourself. But divorced you should wait at least 1 year before dating again. You need to rediscover yourself and baggage cleared before jumping right in.:)

I think Dr. Laura is a quack! Good entertainment value however. We call her Dr. Laura Slut Slinger.....:na

[cloudrunner]

2

[stucknmarriage74(f)]

hmmm, dont have any business in this thread cuz i have same dilemma...stay or go? I stay for our daughter...not sure if this is healthy, we rarely talk and when we do it's just about ebery day stuff..what to eat for dinner, have u seen my keys? that kind of stuf. We argue all the time..try not to in front of her tho. Sex is always one-sided(his) so i guess i'll keep an eye on this thread and see if i can gain some insight:sc

[oneqt]

I feel I have a responsibility to the kids to be a role model and teacher. Have to be so careful about what they learn form me. I know they can feel the discomfort between mom and dad. So what i have been doing is building strong connections with them, making sure I explain the feelings I am having. Explaining that not all people get along all the time. My hope is that as they mature our discussions will progress so I can eventually lay it out for them.

See looking back I knew that we should not be togehter but there was this fear of not finding someone else so.....stupid insecure thing but....lol, that was then.....I do not want the cycle to reoccur with my kids.

My advice will be that they must listen to there gut and if it does not feel right it is ok to break up, even if everyone is waiting in the church! LOL...too much maybe?... I have already talked to them about going out and having a realistic expectation of where their young relationships are going. My kids understand that they probably will not marry their junior high b/f or g/f. I think this is important because there should be more important things going on in their lives than trying to find a significant other at 12 to 24 years of age. (lol,lol well 12 to 18 anyway!!!!) Those type of plans are made later in life. I hope that will work!!!!!

I dont want to teach them that when things dont go your way, you should run. Even though I KNOW i could run fast and far right now!!!!