One liners

[skybird]

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

If a nickel knew what it is worth today, it would feel like two cents.

A lot of pessimists get that way from financing optimists.

When you have your head up your butt, 4 of the 5 senses do not work.

I'd rather visit the zoo than most of my relatives.

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Commercial truck owners should be required to pay into a state windshield repair fund.

I knew the Louisiana Purchase was a bad idea.

I work for a living, I don't live for working.

With fuel prices skyrocketing, they should now call them gasp pumps!

Buffet is a French term, It means "get up and get it yourself."

Without geometry, life is pointless.

To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

If people talk behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead.

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

Why is the National Guard in Iraq and the Army in New Orleans?

Yes, I'm lost . . . but I'm making GREAT time!

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.

Time isn't on my side. It's on my back.

[Annie]

I was born when the Dead Sea was only sick.

Without geography, you're going nowhere.

[Waltert]

If it was only sick when you were born, it must have been healthy when I was born. No I was not over there I did not make it sick!


I guess I am going NOWHERE

I was born when the Dead Sea was only sick.

Without geography, you're going nowhere.

[Norfolkdave]

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

[Annie]

I guess I am going NOWHERE


Well that's good to hear, it means you'll be sticking around here for a while!

[Zifnab]

Why did Tiger have his sundial floodlit?
So he could tell the time at night!

[Annie]

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Oh Dave too funny! Those were great!

[spare_change]

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

Procrastinate Now!

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.


---- and the best one I saw on a bumper sticker this morning ----

Caution! The driver only carries $20 ----- in ammunition!

[Frank_2525]

Opinions are like arm pits, everybody has at least 2 and generally one of them stinks.

[Cotties]

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

[My_Secrets_Kept]

Opinions are like ass holes, most everyone has one.

[Cotties]

Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!

[Sensual Woman]

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?;)

[something_more]

heres a good one for thoes people who insist on singing along with the radio.
Do you know why they sing this song? So you dont have to.

[Cotties]

Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

[Cotties]

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”

Rodney Dangerfield

[suburbansherpa]

How do you know when a woman has an orgasm? Who cares?

[dirtysexybooker]

Why was the blonde snorting splenda? she thought it was diet coke....:lmao