Finances

[spare_change]

Few things are as touchy a subject as the differences between men and women. Add in the “money” component and you get a recipe for a lot of heated debate and emotion on both sides. But there ARE differences, real differences in how men and women view themselves and their personal finances. We are wired differently and it affects every aspect of our lives.

In most relationships, usually there is one person who is more financially oriented and one who is less financially oriented. In research and in discussions with others, it often appears that men are more financially oriented, but this isn’t always the case. Despite many social changes, men are still bred to believe they will be good at dealing with money, even though nobody tells us how to do it. We’re just supposed to know. Women are raised to believe they won’t be good at it and, if they’re fortunate, some man will take care of all the details of money and investing. To be sure, there are some women who are doing the research on mutual funds, IRA’s, taxes, and handling the checking accounts.

This is a list of what many men would like women to understand about their relationship with money and how they view their financial lives within a relationship :

1. Men don't have all the answers. We may be more confused than you are, but our testosterone levels rarely let us admit it. We don’t always understand how moving something from one type of account to another works. We don’t always know the best investment to make for the kid’s college fund or future wedding. We don’t always understand how much risk really is involved in that emerging technology ETF. Taxes, oh yeah, we act like we know what we’re doing, but few of us actually do. Our natural tendencies make us want to be in charge, to be the all knowing one, who speaks with authority and is never wrong. You all know this is very rarely the truth, but we do have that fantasy, and we cannot change it. It is hard wired into our psyche.

How you can help: Encourage and support us as we try to educate ourselves on personal finance and how money and markets works. We don’t want to be a divorce statistic and since most arguments are about money, let’s work this out. Help us by learning and reading along with us. It’s much more fun to discover something together.

2. We are scared we won’t have enough money at retirement. Every time we read something new on the subject, the amount goes up. When we look at the amount of money we’re able to save compared to these seven figure numbers the “experts” recommend, we almost want to just give up. WHO can save that much?

When it comes to retirement, we feel like we’re going up against a full grown lion with our BB gun from 3rd grade and we’re going to end up shooting our eye out right before the lion eats us. When we furiously clip coupons out of the blue one day, it may be that we got our latest 401k statement and don’t want to show it to you. We truly are worried that we won’t have enough saved up and that you’ll think less of us.

How you can help: study frugality. You don’t have to be a cheapskate, but understand that one dollar saved is the equivalent of two dollars earned. Investigate ways you can save a few dollars here and there, then tell us what you did.

3. We don’t want to be frugal ALL the time. We DO want to take you to that nice restaurant. We DO want to take a mini vacation without the kids. We DO want to shower you with flowers and chocolate. In order to do those things though, we will have to give up other things, whether that’s an additional payment on the credit card, a chunk into the Roth IRA, or rebuilding the emergency fund after needing 5 new tires (5 because one had a blowout one week after we bought it). The problem with money is that it forces us to make one choice over another. How do you chose between a short term splurge and a long term benefit? We don’t know either.

We also dream about being the Prince Charming you want, riding into town and carrying you away for a romantic weekend. We don’t voice our ideas very often, but we do look things up quite frequently and make all the mental calculations in our heads every time that Sandal’s commercial comes on. Men are more romantic that we get credit for being.

How you can help: keep us reined in if we get goofy with the money, but allow us to do some nice things with you every once in a while. Don’t talk about how much it costs, or say, “We can’t afford this.” That isn’t very romantic and it makes us feel like inadequate suppliers of your needs. That’s not a good thing, trust me. On the other hand, if we say something is too expensive, suggest less costly alternatives . . . after waiting a day or so. We may have some well defined goals in our heads that we’re trying to reach and spending money right now would delay them even longer.

4. Never embarrass us by talking about our personal financial situation to others, especially in public. That sounds kinda strange coming from someone who blogs about his personal life in front of millions of people on a daily basis. What I’m referring to here is similar to a situation my wife and I encountered on our honeymoon cruise. The couple we ate dinner with every night were newlyweds also, and he had taken a job working for her father. She mentioned that the only reason they were able to go on a cruise was that her father paid for it (ouch). She also said that they hardly had any spending money on the trip (ouch #2). One day at port we had the option of spending some time at a local beach. Towels were free–with a $10 deposit. She actually said in front of him, “We can’t even afford THAT.” He looked like the wind was completely taken out of his sails (ouch #3). Ironically, he had a $5 free chip to play at the casino and parlayed it into $500. Did SHE ever change her tune. Somehow though, I bet they didn’t make it.

It’s okay to talk in generic terms with friends, but when the conversation takes a tone of “we can’t afford anything” it’s interpreted by us as “you’re a bad provider.” We despise that more than just about anything. We would rather be unloved than disrespected. Read that last sentence one more time.

How you can help: Men internalize their thought processes and speak once everything has been sorted out in our minds, but many women have the tendency to think out loud, especially with friends. When it comes to discussing matters of money, make sure you think about what you’re going to say first and ask yourself if this could be interpreted as a lack of respect, encouragement, or support for us. We can love you better when you respect and admire us.

5. Men worry that you’ll perceive us as inadequate when it comes to finances. We almost can’t handle being thought inadequate, like you cannot handle the thought of being unloved and unwanted. Rare is the man who will admit to being inadequate on anything, but especially money. We all believe we know more that the CEO, the CFO, the accountants, the financial planners. We hate having to ask for advice because down deep inside, we think that shows weakness. No man willingly shows his weakness.

6. Money issues should never get in the way of physical intimacy. We’re already self conscious enough about making enough money, managing it right, and making sure our family is well cared for. Do I really need to go into any more detail here? And no, guys, there are no pictures to go along with this point.

If you want to create a real problem, just withdraw from us on this point. Then watch us withdraw from you.

How you can help: it’s pretty simple. Don’t confuse physical intimacy with bank balances. We need you in both physical and emotional ways that we ourselves don’t fully understand. When you “shut the door,” it doesn’t help anything.

7. Chances are, we will have very different money personalities. Some people are hoarders, accounting for every penny. Others become spenders, seeing money as a way to express love. Some are hand wringers, some are avoiders. Some are dreamers and some are planners. Let’s not polarize our relationship based on our differences and project onto each other all the negative characteristics we’ve experienced with other hoarders or spenders.

We don’t want to argue and fight with you over money. But we both need to come to an agreement on how it should be earned, spent, saved, and invested. We’ve seen and heard our parents argue over money all our lives. Our fathers worried aloud about finances while our mothers were shopaholics. Maybe Mom would hide her purchases in the back of her closet until Dad was in a good mood. Maybe she bought gifts as an expression of love. We all bring past baggage concerning money and personal finance into our relationships. Let’s make sure we don’t let this baggage drive a wedge between us.

How you can help: seek first to understand, then to be understood. That’s an old Chinese proverb but it holds very true in this case. We need to try to understand each other first. Please try to understand me and I’ll try to understand you.

Final thoughts.

When every payday rolls around (finally), do what doesn’t come naturally: sit down with your significant other and talk about money. Don’t be rude, condescending, demanding, accusatory, aloof, unresponsive, or approach this meeting with the intent to set him or her straight. It won’t work. Has anyone ever heard of a successful use of nagging? I’m talking to both men and women here because men nag too. We nag about how much those new tennis shoes cost, or why she bought the most expensive pasta sauce, or why no one can seem to turn off a light switch around here.

Talk about why you want to reach those goals and how they will enrich your lives. Don’t put it off. Life’s too short.

[spare_change]

On Tuesday, Ron at The Wisdom Journal posted 7 Things Men Wish Women Knew About Money. Today I will give you the woman’s viewpoint. My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years, and in that time, we’ve learned a lot about each other and our views of money. Though our financial road hasn’t been super rocky, there are a few things I wish my husband had known right off the bat that would have made things a little smoother along the way.

1. Being there is more important than having money. As a woman, it’s important for me to feel like our family is the most important priority in your life right behind God. I know that it’s important for you to feel like you’re providing financially for us, and financial security is important. But emotional security is more important to us. We really do appreciate that you work hard to provide for us and give us financial security, but we would prefer that you cut back your hours, so you can be at the kids’ baseball games, school plays, band concerts, and have a free day to spend with the family once in a while.

How you can help: Be there. If you’re working 80 hours a week, realize that cutting back your hours would be beneficial to your family. Set aside one day on the weekend to spend with your family, even if you’re all working together in the yard. Just be present, physically and mentally.

2. You’re not less of a man because I’m better with the finances. In my marriage, I’m better at math and my husband is better with people. In the early years of our marriage, we experimented with Jim being the one to balance the checkbook and pay the bills, and we soon realized that I was much better at doing the day to day money management. It takes me less time, and I rather enjoy it.

But just because the woman is talented in that area, doesn’t mean you’re inadequate. You have talents in other areas, such as dealing with people or fixing cars, or doing the yard work (I’ll admit…I kill almost any plant I try to grow). It’s best to divide up the tasks for running the family according to each person’s talents and preferences, rather than sticking to gender stereotypes.

How you can help: Don’t resent me for taking charge of paying the bills. And feel free to use your talents. If you’re better at dealing with people, even though that’s frequently considered the "woman’s domain", feel free to line up a babysitter, so we can go out. Take charge of the gardening, if that’s what you like. And if you love to cook, feel free to step right into the kitchen!


3. Day to day actions speak louder than expensive gifts. You see the commercials on TV. A man gives a woman a diamond ring, and she flips completely head over heels for him. While I concede that most women appreciate a diamond, it’s the day to day stuff that’s more important. A woman won’t notice that you’re not buying her expensive gifts if you’re giving her the gift of your time day in and day out. And if you give her a gift that she knows you can’t afford, she will worry about the money you spent.

Far more important than spending a lot of money are the little things that tell your woman you appreciate her. When I’m tired in the evening, my husband frequently offers to wash the dishes, so I can relax, and it’s an action that doesn’t go unnoticed. Kevin Leman wrote a book called S*x Begins in the Kitchen, and it’s true.

How you can help: Don’t overspend on gifts. I’m not saying that you should never buy gifts, but focus more on the day to day things that make a difference in your loved one’s life. Helping out with the chores, the kids, and even a handwritten love note speak far more clearly than a trinket picked up at the last minute for Valentine’s Day.

4. Spending money on decorating the house is important. A woman’s home is important to her. Women see their homes as a reflection of themselves. When people come over to visit, they look at the things hanging on the walls, the things displayed on the shelves, and the general state of the house. And when they make a judgment about the state of the house, a woman takes it personally.

It’s important to allow us the freedom to spend a little money on wall hangings, throw pillows, and curtains. To a man, it may seem trivial, but to a woman, these are the things that make a house feel homey. It’s important to let us splurge on these things once in a while.

How you can help: Remember that a house is to a woman what a car is to a man. We know you men love your sporty cars or rugged SUVs. You like to shine them and keep them looking nice. Women are the same way about their homes. Indulge us and let us spend a little money on our homes without grumbling about the way we spend money on unnecessary things. To us, the little things that make a house homey are important.

5. Even if I manage the checkbook, I want you to be involved. It’s important for both spouses to be involved with the family finances, even if it is determined that the woman is the better overall money manager. There’s nothing more frustrating to a woman than to feel like she’s left alone to deal with the monthly budget and bills. There’s no worse feeling than to have to tell your husband, "You need to cut back on the lattes, because it’s not in the budget." Women don’t like to be the bad guy.

Open communication about money is important in marriage. It’s important for us to know that you are supportive of the budget, and if you’re not, we need to know why. The budget needs to be a cooperative effort, so it’s acceptable to both of us. We also need to know that if something happened to us, you’d be OK to take over where we left off.

How you can help: Set up a weekly budget meeting, like Gibble does. Ask how we’re doing with the budget. Make suggestions. Be involved. Just because you’re not the one writing the checks and paying the bills doesn’t mean that you can’t be an active participant in the family finances.

6. It’s OK to say no to me sometimes. I’ll admit. Women can be very emotionally driven sometimes. And I’ll concede that sometimes we come up with crazy ideas that cost a lot of money. Sometimes those ideas are brilliant. But sometimes they just cost a lot of money.

I know that your desire is to make your spouse happy. But when we suggest things like buying all new appliances for the kitchen, and those appliances are nowhere near within the boundaries of the budget, don’t be afraid to suggest that we save the cash first. Sometimes women try to fill emotional needs by shopping for new things. Try to get to the root of the problem. Say no to the stuff, and start paying more attention to what your wife really needs.

Women like strong leadership qualities in men. That doesn’t give you the license to be a dictator, but women like to feel like a man will take the lead and make decisions that are in her best interest. I remember in premarital counseling our pastor told my then fiance that at times he would need to make decisions that were in my best interest, even if I didn’t see it that way at the time. On rare occasion, my husband has had to do that. And though I sometimes get angry at the time, I’ve always come around to respect my husband even more in the long run.

How you can help: Recognize the difference between needs and wants. When you find your wife wanting to blow a lot of money on a want, ask her why. And if you can’t afford it, don’t be afraid to insist that you save the money first. The big purchase might provide short term gratification, but if you can’t afford it, it will cause problems in the long term. Better to think long term in this case.

7. If I know that you love and cherish me, I will bend over backwards for you. It all comes down to this. Women want to feel loved. Cherished. Treasured. Needed. Appreciated. It doesn’t take a lot of money to convey these feelings to a woman. A love note. A hug. A squeeze of the hand. Assurance that you are there for her, even when her emotions are out of control. If you provide a woman with the knowledge that she is cherished and treasured, you will be the king of the castle in her eyes.

Last year my husband lost his job. We went through some really hard times, yet all through that time, I knew that he was there for me. That he cared about me, and that he would do whatever it took to keep our family afloat. I never stopped respecting and loving my husband. And when he landed the job of his dreams, I fully supported him, even though it meant a huge pay cut. We don’t need the money. And he gives so much for our family, I don’t mind sacrificing a little bit of money, so he can pursue a career he loves.

How you can help: Make sure your wife knows how much she means to you. Show her every day how much you love and appreciate her. If you do these things, she’ll likely support you in whatever you do.

Looking back over these 7 things, I realize that most of them have to do with letting a woman know that she is loved. Contrary to popular male opinion, women are not really that hard to understand. We just want emotional security. As long as we know we can rely on you, it’s not hard to keep us happy. And we’re pretty strong and will stand by you when the going gets tough, if we know that you love us.

[Torin]

Wow! What an excellent post, Spare... very informative, and helpful.

[Rays]

Good post Spare. I know personally all I want to hear from my wife is "I know you are doing the best you can. I love you and I trust you and I will everything I can to help. But if in the end we end up bankrupt and starting over, then it's OK cause we still have each other, and i won't blame you for that. You are more important to me than our financial security!" That simple statement would make me feel so much better about things.

[Sensual Woman]

1. Men don't have all the answers.
Spare, you have obviously never met my husband, who insists he has the answer to everything.

2. We are scared we won’t have enough money at retirement.
My husband doesn't think about the future, only now. We do not have enough life insurance, which he won't even talk about, much less have any money to save for retirement.

3. We don’t want to be frugal ALL the time. Again, you have never met my husband...does the term "he's so tight he squeaks" that his best friend uses to describe him have any meaning to you? And yes, the kids do outgrow their clothes and they need more that 3 shirts and 2 pairs of pants from Walmart...

We DO want to take a mini vacation without the kids. We DO want to shower you with flowers and chocolate.We DO want to take you to that nice restaurant. Are you kidding me? My husband sees these as a waste of money.

4. Never embarrass us by talking about our personal financial situation to others, especially in public.
Why do you never want to discuss them in private either? It doesn't magically fix itself.

5. Men worry that you’ll perceive us as inadequate when it comes to finances.
My husband doesn't see himself as inadequate...on the contrary, it's me he sees as inadequate.

6. Money issues should never get in the way of physical intimacy.
Again, you don't know my husband. Or me. The quickest way to ruin any possibility of intimacy is to blame me for all our financial woes when you are the one controlling the back account. And do't think I have anything to say about it or know what I am talking about.

7. Chances are, we will have very different money personalities. Come to an agreement? It' his way or no way; that's what he calls an agreement. I call that control and a dictatorship.

[plankmaker]

Not all men are asshats like that. Some of us get it. I'm in the process of getting the Mommy Day stuff together. The kids in furry suits are getting their summer dos as part of it.

[Shiane]

Money or the lack there of can definitely have negative effects on a relationship. Finances are one of those things we take for granted prior to marriage. If the decisions you are making effects the both of you, then it needs to be a joint decision. Take an active role in the decision making process and support each other through the highs and lows.

[kaycee727(m)]

Spare this has always been a problem in my household. But I have found it is truly the persons upbringing. I don't agree that it is a man and woman difference. My wifes family has no idea about money. Let me give you an example. My father in law sold his house 25 years ago. He just passed away and we found out he bought 100,000 dollar life insurance policy for 78,000 dollars. That was a hell of a rip off. But everyone thought it was such a great idea. My wife just doesn't get finance and never will and neither does any of her family. I am teaching my kids thought so they realize how important it is.

[spare_change]

Spare this has always been a problem in my household. But I have found it is truly the persons upbringing. I don't agree that it is a man and woman difference. My wifes family has no idea about money. Let me give you an example. My father in law sold his house 25 years ago. He just passed away and we found out he bought 100,000 dollar life insurance policy for 78,000 dollars. That was a hell of a rip off. But everyone thought it was such a great idea. My wife just doesn't get finance and never will and neither does any of her family. I am teaching my kids thought so they realize how important it is.

I provide financial management support professionally, and I think that the differences are, for the most part, gender based. Women generally are more pragmatic, and worry more about security and protecting what they already have, whereas men are more focused on increasing their assets, and are much more willing to gamble a little to get a big return.

These tendencies are there whether they know anything about finances or not. Not knowing only exacerbates the problem. You're right, of course, that it's tough to break the "not knowing" cycle -- kids don't know what their parents don't know.

However, I am a little surprised at your description of the life insurance as being a "hell of a rip off". The guy turned 78,000 taxable dollars into $100,000 non-taxable dollars, which gives him an effective return of up to $135,000. In addition, he provided security and safety for his family, in case something happened. If nothing happens, insurance is always a waste of money .... but, if something does happen, it can be the most astute investment he ever made. Unquestionably, he could have put the money somewhere else and made more, but then he wouldn't have had the security.

In addition, by having the insurance policy, it freed up other funds that he didn't have to save in order to protect his family. Notionally, if he hadn't bought the policy, he would have had to have $135,000 in the bank in order to provide the same level of security for his family. That is $135,000 that, instead, he had to spend during his retirement years. Not all financial maneuvers are straightforward - you need to consider them in the context of their personal financial scheme.

I congratulate you, though, on educating your children. You are giving them a significant boost up.

[Constance]

Very enlightening. Thats one worry we don't have. My husband works all the time. He loves his job, and has worked really hard to climb the ladder to his position. I know that he needs to feel like the provider and that if I didn't want to work, I don't have to. I would go insane if I stayed home all the time.

[PowWhackIt]

I have read and reread your post, each time gleaning more information, it was very insightful. I have not only learned the "why" of some of the decisions I have made in the past, but I also have a better understanding of her point of view and how it affects the way she feels......very important to me to try to understand that. This should have a "ton" more discussion as it impacts a lot on how people interact with each other on a day to day basis - just my opinion

[TheTurtle]

A great couple of posts, Spare. I realized about 8 years into our marriage (OK, I'm a slow learner) that she not only had the better math ability, but I did NOT have the finance ability. I got the guts to turn it over to her, and I get a weekly allowance -- blow money included, so I can splurge a little or save it for something special. It relieved a lot of the stress in our family.

[Lacey]

Very informative and helpful! Thank you, Spare!