A good dirty joke

[Penny]

I heard this joke the other day and I will try not to butcher it to bad.

A man and woman are in a bar and they really are liking eachother. The woman is turned on by the fact the man is a fireman.. They decide they will go out to the car and fool around. She says they need ground rules first:rules: She said if she says 1st alarm then its ok to make out. If she yells 2nd alarm he can play with her tits and pussy. If she yells 3rd alarm that means she is hot and to fuck her really hard.

So now they are in the car and she yells 1st alarm and they start kissing and making out. A cpl mins later she yells 2nd alarm and the shirts come off and the grinding starts. When she yells 3rd alarm he climbs on top of her and fucks her just as hard as he can. All of a suddon she yells out 4th alarm. The guy says what the hell is 4th alarm? She said More Hose your no where near the fire :D

[Norfolkdave]

Oh Brillant I have a barbi tommorrow night I,ll tell that to a few guests.

[Euro03]

quality joke !!!!!!!!! more wanted

[flyhigh_440]

Thanks Penny,
It's always good to start the weekend off with a joke.

[Penny]

Glad you liked it :)

[illmakeurtoeswiggle]

You all might of heard this one...it's kinda old, but here it is.


This guy ends up in jail for the first time...his cell mate is this big ugly dude and not real friendly but, the guy tries to talk to him.
They have some conversation and all of a sudden this big dude says "hey I gotta question for Ya...Since we're gonna be together for awhile I wanna know. Are you gonna be the husband or the wife"?
This guy gets nervous. He's heard about jail and what happens as far sex so, he thinks about it and decides I'd rather fuck than be fucked so, he blurts out "I think I'll be the husband"!

Well, the big dude gets a smile on his face and replied "Good than get over here and give your wife a blowjob"!

[illmakeurtoeswiggle]

I got another one...


These two neighbor guys are talkin in the garage at one of their houses. Talkin about hunting and the new rifles they both bought. Well, the guy pulls out his new rifle and it has this awesome high powered scope. He hands it to the other guy to check it out... the guys looking through it kinda suveying the neighborhood...he stops and says ..."Hey Joe, looks like you wife and the guy down the street are gettin real friendly"!

The other guy says..."What? Damn it, I told her to quit fucking around on me! That's the last time for that bitch! Hey Joe, That thing has two rounds in it see if you can shoot his dick off with one and then shoot her in the head with the other, will ya."

Joe kinda chuckles and says, "From the looks of it I can do it in one shot!":blowjob:

[illmakeurtoeswiggle]

One more...


Ollie and Lena are gonna try oral sex for the first time since they have been married...which has been 20 years.

Old Lena gives Ollie a pretty fair blowjob and asks Ollie to reciprocate and give her a good lickin.

Old Ollie's just eatin away down there and poor Lena gets a bad case of gas...
"thwart!...I'm sorry Ollie...no reply...thwart!....I'm sorry Ollie...no reply..thwart! Ollie, I'm really sorry Lena says! Ollie takes a breather and says "that's OK Lena, just keep the fresh air a commin!":wa:

[drsawdust]

So what's your situation?
Are you looking too?:lf

[Penny]

LMAO:D btw welcome drsawdust :)

[illmakeurtoeswiggle]

So what's your situation?
Are you looking too?:lf

Dunno...found it, now I'm not sure! But if the right woman pops up,
I might too!:D :rofl1:

[out4fun2nite]

:) a nun is asking her class what is the first part of our body that enter heaven .one girl said our hands,nun said why?girl said because we raise our hands to god when we pray.nun said very good answer.a boy raises his hand and say legs go first,why? because the other night he went into his mom's bedroom and saw her legs up high and screaming OH GOD IAM COMING, and if it were not for dad to pin her down we would have lost her this night..

[illmakeurtoeswiggle]

This isn't a joke but a REAL funny story I heard on a radio station on the way to work...


There were these two gay guys and one of them had sent a gerbil(a little rodent/mouse type animal) up his buddie's ass through a toilet paper roll tube(guess they like the way it feels!)...
Anyway the the little gerbil wouldn't come out so, this dude gets the bright idea to light a match so that the gerbil will come toward the light!

Well...when he got it close to his buddie's ass the match ignited the toilet paper roll tube which in turn ignited a pocket of gas...the explosion sent the tube (now on fire) out his buddies ass and the gerbil right behind it directly into the dude's face. He ended up with third degree burns (mustache caught on fire) and a broken nose!

This was a true story reported by a local hospital employee...

When I heard this story I got this visual in my head and I had to pull over cause I was laughing so hard!:rofl1: :rofl1: :rofl1:

[illmakeurtoeswiggle]

Just thought of this one...

This young guy moves out to the country looking for some solitude and peace and quiet. Well, he's been out at his new place for about a month and things are gettin kinda boring so, he decides to take a drive down the road a mile or two to the neighbors house.

He pulls up and finds this old hillbillie sittin on his front porch whittling a piece of wood and chewing tobacco. They introduce themselves have some casual conversation and the old hillbillie says, "ya know it's good thang you cum by ".
The young guy replies, "Oh yeah, Why's that" Hillbillie says, "Well, we're gonna have a party tanight. There's gonna be some music...some dancin...some fightin, and some fuckin"!

The young guy says, Wow! I'm glad I stopped by too. What should I wear?" Old hillbillie says, "Don't matter, it's just gonna be you an me"!

[Norfolkdave]

There was a woman from Leeds
Who sowed a packet of seeds
Blades of grass grew out of her arse
and out of her fanny weeds

Best I Can get it for now

[Penny]

lol :D

[illmakeurtoeswiggle]

Ya gotta like this one!:D


A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through
the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich
wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it
anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers
down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You
are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken
sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said
"Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the
gizzards!!!

[Wet Beaver]

:rofl1: :rofl1: :rofl1: :rofl1: thud

[Eomer]

Hey her is one.

This couple was about to go to sleep, when two intruders brake into the house. roughs them both up, ties them up and leaves them on the bed.

As they ransack the house, the husband wiggles over to his wife and says," Remember dear that I love you, these guys are armed and mean business, its best to give them what they want. If they want to have their way with you just let them. This way no one gets hurt and we will be ok. I love you, I know you can do it. Be strong for us." To which she replies, "Oh honey I am so relieved you feel that way, I just heard one guy tell the other what a nice ass you have. I love you too, be strong!".:rofl1:

[illmakeurtoeswiggle]

Good one, Eomer!:rofl1:

[GeekMaster]

Hey her is one.

This couple was about to go to sleep, when two intruders brake into the house. roughs them both up, ties them up and leaves them on the bed.

As they ransack the house, the husband wiggles over to his wife and says," Remember dear that I love you, these guys are armed and mean business, its best to give them what they want. If they want to have their way with you just let them. This way no one gets hurt and we will be ok. I love you, I know you can do it. Be strong for us." To which she replies, "Oh honey I am so relieved you feel that way, I just heard one guy tell the other what a nice ass you have. I love you too, be strong!".:rofl1:

Gives a new meaning to "breaking and entering"...

[murtonian]

yeah that's a good joke penny :rofl1:

[Penny]

Eomer that was funny :D

[Zpanther]

Like to read 'em...... or hear 'em....... but I can never remember 'em.

[dallyfoster]

Haha, those were great

[MCat]

:rofl1: Excellent , Heres one for ya...not dirty but funny

From 0 to 200 in 4 seconds


A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He
wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife
foundation', Dallas, Texas.

[illmakeurtoeswiggle]

:rofl1: Excellent , Heres one for ya...not dirty but funny



From 0 to 200 in 4 seconds



A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He
wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife
foundation', Dallas, Texas.




I LOVE THIS ONE!!!!!:lmao :lmao :lmao :lmao

[MCat]

Another good one....


Two prostitutes :boobs: :na were riding around town with a sign on top of their
car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told themthey'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.:rules:

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . .
"Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.:( :cry:

The following day found the same police officer in the are! a when he noticed
the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.:shit:

Figuring he had an easy arrest,:nu he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels .... Seeking Peter -- $50.00 :la

[Zpanther]

:rofl1: Excellent , Heres one for ya...not dirty but funny



From 0 to 200 in 4 seconds



A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He
wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife
foundation', Dallas, Texas.



I agree with Wiggles. This is a good one.

[MCat]

A wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in
bed with a strange woman.

"That's it!" she screams at him. "I'm leaving you and never coming
back."

The husband says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"

She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. But this won't do
you any good!"

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young
lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying.

I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my
house.

She climbed into my truck and I brought her home.

She took a shower and I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you
anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that
you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice.
I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you
never touched last night.

Then I showed her to the door. She was so grateful for all these things
she thanked me profusely. But then, just as she was about to leave,

She turned around and asked me........

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

[Zpanther]

hahahahahahahahahahaha...... I like that one MaryCat...... Wiggles and Dave will appreciate that one I'm sure..

[Norfolkdave]

A wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in
bed with a strange woman.

"That's it!" she screams at him. "I'm leaving you and never coming
back."

The husband says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"

She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. But this won't do
you any good!"

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young
lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying.

I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my
house.

She climbed into my truck and I brought her home.

She took a shower and I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you
anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that
you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice.
I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you
never touched last night.

Then I showed her to the door. She was so grateful for all these things
she thanked me profusely. But then, just as she was about to leave,

She turned around and asked me........

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"


Oh brilliant I,ll print that and keep it for the future nice one:lmao

[Norfolkdave]

:rofl1: Excellent , Heres one for ya...not dirty but funny



From 0 to 200 in 4 seconds



A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He
wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife
foundation', Dallas, Texas.




Brilliant where you getting these from!:lmao

[nlightenedrogue]

Here's one that's not dirty, but may be offensive. Be warned. I thought it was hilarious.

A man receives a call from the emergency room at the local hospital telling him to come in right away, that his wife has been in a terrible accident. The man drives like the wind across town to get there, the dread buidling every minute.

He arrives at the hospital and inquires about his wife's condition. He's told he'll need to speak with the doctor. In a few minutes, the doctor steps out and asks the man to step into his office. The doctor tells the man to sit down.

The doctor says: "You're wife was in a horrible accident. Broadsided by a truck as she tried to turn into the grocery store parking lot. The ambulance was called right away and they worked heroically to keep her alive. Her injuries are grievous. She is comtaose, paralyzed from the neck down and has no control over any of her bodily functions. She will require constant care - you'll need to feed, clean, turn and bath her for the rest of her life."

The man's heart sank. Seeing the man's distress, the doctor puts a hand on the man's shoulder and says: "Cheer up! I'm just fucking with you...she died on the way to the hospital."

[MCat]

Brilliant where you getting these from!:lmao

I have lots of family members that keep me laughing :D

[KIRA187]

where does a bee put its stinger at night......


In his honey!:D

[illmakeurtoeswiggle]

Not dirty, but fun....


Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

[Big O]

lol

[rickt67]

No Wool Downstairs

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.

When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."

The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or have sex?"

[rickt67]

Horny Young Man

A horny young man went to a brothel...The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers....they..."

Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."

Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."

Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."

[rickt67]

3 Birds Get Lucky


Three birds are flying over head when one spots a dove. He swoops down, picks up the dove and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes, the dove comes out and says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved!"

The birds continue on. A little later the second bird sees a lark. He swoops down, picks it up and goes into the bushes. A few minutes, the lark comes out and says, "I'm a lark and I've been sparked!"

The birds continue on. A little later the third sees a duck. He swoops down, picks it up and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes the bird comes out, then goes back in. Then the duck comes out and says, "I'm a drake and there's been a big mistake!"

[rickt67]

[B]Love At Nudist Camp[B]

The young couple were holding hands in the Sunshine Gardens nudist camp.

"When I tell you I love you," he asked, "why do you always lower your eyes?"

"To see if it's true," she answered shyly

[rickt67]

Wedding Night


The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile."

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."

[rickt67]

Lady In A Pharmacy


lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.

[rickt67]

41 Things Men Know

41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

41. Anyone can buy condoms.

[rickt67]

Scientists say

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse.

If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year.

If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.

Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol s*!&.

[rickt67]

18 Things Not To Say

18 things not to say to your pregnant wife.

1. I finished the Oreo's.

2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.

3. Y'know, to look at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!

4. I hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!

5. Darned if you aren't five pounds away from a surprise visit from Richard Simmons.

6. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.

7. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!

8. I'm so jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?

9. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

10. Get your *own* ice cream.

11. Geez, you look awfully puffy today.

12. Got milk?

13. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Theresa?

14. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!

15. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...

16. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!

17. Well, can't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!

18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...

[rickt67]

That Question!
The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

[rickt67]

Soup or Sex?

A woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession finally takes matter into her own hands.

One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor.

She pulls open the jacket and yells, "Time for Super Sex"!!!!!.

He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex" "Super Sex" "Super Sex".

Finally, he replies, "Ok, I'll take the soup."

[rickt67]

Help She's Drowning!

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw his wife flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I"ll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?

[lay_guy]

whats the difference between a prostitute and a nun?

one has hope in her soul,the other has soap in her hole.

[GeekMaster]

Church Bells ......

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

THINK YOUNG

[MCat]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

[GeekMaster]

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."

[GeekMaster]

I know a man who has a wife, a mistress, and a mortgage, that are all 3 months overdue...:lmao

[Wet Beaver]

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.


AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.

SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY, JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY.

ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE...

ON THE COUCH...

NAKED.

[Cindy]

Good one:D



I know a man who has a wife, a mistress, and a mortgage, that are all 3 months overdue...:lmao

[MCat]

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The Doctor gave him a jar, sent him home and told him to bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this. .. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor!!??"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all three of us tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open."

[Polo38]

These are great...i will have to search the recess of my mind, and pull ones that don't require an interperter

[MCat]

Hank and Mary get married but can't afford
a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the ight.

In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks
his mom if Hank and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think? "His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Hank and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go
back to school."

After school, he comes home and asks "Are Hank and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No." Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"

He says, "Well, last night Hank came in for the Vaseline

and I think I gave him my airplane glue." :hp:

[MCat]

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on
the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood
activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments later, "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

"The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked,
"How do you know they are having sex??"

"'Cause Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle, too!:D

[MCat]

A Womans Prayer



Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


Amen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

MAN'S PRAYER


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.


Amen

[spare_change]

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whorehouse he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.
The guy goes to the next one. But since he only has five dollars, they kick him out, too. By this time, he's super-horny, so he goes to the next one and says, "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow
job!"
The manager there takes pity on him, and says "Okay. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."
"What's a penguin?" he asks.
The manager grins. "You'll find out!" he assures the eager man.
He takes the five dollars, and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a really hot blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. The horny guy waddles after her with his pants around his ankles, shouting, "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN??"

[spare_change]

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams..."Don't eat it, Jimmy !...... It's a fucking asshole...!!!"

[spare_change]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mother, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving".

[spare_change]

Little Johnny's teacher found Little Johnny in the playground studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while Little Johnny held the tiny object up to the light, saying, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the teacher asked, "What do you have there?"

Little Johnny replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The teacher responded, "Let me take a look."

So Little Johnny handed it over and the teacher rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

Little Johnny replied, "Out of my nose."

[spare_change]

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother.

One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you do tonight?" asked her mother.

"Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job."

"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!"

"Good God!" said the grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

[spare_change]

A guy is going to go on a buisness trip, and he doesn't want his wife to cheat on him, so he goes into a porn shop. He walks up to the guy at the front counter, and tells him his story, and asks for something that will work for sure, since he's going to be gone for several weeks.

The store's clerk replies, "well I have one thing, but it's kind of expensive."

The man asks "is there's anything else?"

The clerk says "not that will for sure work."

So the man says "alright, what is it?"

"Well it's called voodoo dick. How it works is, you say voodoo dick, then say whatever part of your body you want it to fuck."

Okay the guy says, and buys it. When he brings it home to his wife, she insists that it is not necissary. He explains how to use it to her anyways, and leaves on his trip.

Later that night his wife was curious about the voodoo dick. So she opened it up, pulled down her panties, and said "voodoo dick my pussy".

Instantly the voodoo dick starts fucking her. She has several orgasms before she wants it to stop, but she doesn't know how to get it to stop, and can't figure it out. So she decides to go to the hospital.
She's driving there, the voodoo dick still fucking her and she's still having orgasms, When a cop sees how horribly she's driving, and pulls her over.

He walks up to her window, starts telling her what she has done. When he looks at her and asks "what the fuck are you doing?"

She explains about how her husband didn't want her to cheat on him while he was away, so he got her the voodoo dick, and how it works. She also explains to the officer that she is on the way to the hospital, because she can't figure out how to get the voodoo dick to stop.

When she finishes he laughs and says "voodoo dick my ass."

[spare_change]

The complaint:

Ms.B.Haven;

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


The response:

Dear Penis;

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You must be stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

[spare_change]

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -
I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you .
I've changed my mind.
- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Georgia and Texas)
- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
- - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - -
We have been friends for a very long time .
Let's say we stop?
- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

[spare_change]

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
**Brief Pause**
"Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over therug,hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? Is this 555-7039?????

[Polo38]

those are funy ones Spare

[KIRA187]

Sex In The Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting
off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids." :D

[illmakeurtoeswiggle]

Another email...some of these are funny!
Pay special attention to the last one!!!!!!:eek:

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor "Not to be used for other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[spare_change]

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.
"Nope." replied Jimmy.
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

[hank69]

Lip stick remover

mr x had sex with mrs y
x after long time of unproected sex
came out
he saw red marks on his penis
shocked
he went to many famous docters
no one was able to cure it
at last an indian dr gave one oinment it went off at once
it was "A LIPSTICK REMOVER".

[MCat]

How Rumors start in the office:

[Polo38]

Everyday at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a
lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and
tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her
complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that
she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The human resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and
asks,
" What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your
hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget"

[spare_change]

Not a thread - unless you want it to be -- but wanted to pass along a story I heard today!

Man and a woman met in a bar one evening, and after several hours of dance and drink, decided to consummate their relationship at the local motel.

After they entered the room, the man sat on the end of the bed and began to get undressed. As he took off his socks, the woman noted that his toes were gnarled and ugly, with black toenails and growths that looked like warts.

"GOOD LORD!" she said, "What the hell is that?"

"Oh," he said, "that's from when I was a little kid. I had toelio."

"Toelio?," she asked, "Don't you mean polio?"

"No," he replied, "it was toelio. It was just a childhood disease - nothing to worry about."

As he dropped his trousers, she saw that his knees were ugly and swollen and puffy and red.

"Damn," she said, "what happened there?"

"Ohhhh," he replied, "that was kneesles from when i was about 7."

"Kneesles?", she said, "don't you mean 'measles'?"

"No," he replied, "it was kneesles. It was just a childhood disease - nothing to worry about."

As he stood and dropped his boxers, again she stared.

"Wait a minute. Don't tell me, let me guess," she said.

"Small cox, right?"

[spare_change]

Ok -- one more i heard.

Elderly gentleman is standing in line at the Social Security Office signing up for his benefits. The line is long, and the wait is arduous.

Finally, he gets to the window, and tells the lady there that he wants to sign up for his retirement benefits.

"Ok", said the lady,"I need your driver's license, social security card, and birth certificate."

"Birth certificate?" the guy wailed. "I didn't bring it -- won't the birthdate on my driver's license do?"

"I'm afraid not," she said. "We need proof of your birthday."

"Damn," he said, " and I suppose i have to come back and stand in this miserable line, too?"

"Wait a minute," the lady said, "Unbutton your shirt."

The guy did so, exposing a chestful of matted and wiry gray hair. The lady looked him over, finally saying, "That chest hair looks gray enough - you must be 65.". She then proceeded to register him for his benefits.

The man, all excited about what he was able to accomplish, rushed home and told his wife that he opened his shirt, and the lady gave him the retirement benefits.

"Damn shame you didn't drop your pants," his wife said, "you could have gotten Disability, too."

[Wet Beaver]

Hey Spare.... we have a joke thread already..... these are funny..... but use the right thread..

[spare_change]

Hey Spare.... we have a joke thread already..... these are funny..... but use the right thread..

Didn't want to start a thread -- just wanted these out front.

[Wet Beaver]

LOL, they would have been read......

[Penny]

My husband had that germ too :lmao

Wait a minute. Don't tell me, let me guess," she said.

"Small cox, right?"

[Penny]

I had a hard time finding the thread lol I merged them ;)

[hank69]

. Computer Women .

HARD-DISK Woman
She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER!

.

EXCEL Woman
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.



INTERNET Woman
Difficult to access and hard to keep running!!!

SERVER Woman
Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman
She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman
She always has you on the move, going faster and faster!!!



VIRUS Woman
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

[Norfolkdave]

. Computer Women .

HARD-DISK Woman
She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER!

.

EXCEL Woman
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.



INTERNET Woman
Difficult to access and hard to keep running!!!

SERVER Woman
Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman
She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman
She always has you on the move, going faster and faster!!!



VIRUS Woman
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

brillant hank, whats mary say about it, heres mine

There was a man who enjoped his sex life a lot, but sometimes had problems gettin 'it' up, so he went to see his doctor, his doctor said that to help it stay up he needed to masturbate a couple of hours before sex.

The man agreed but couldnt think of any good places, he thought of the toilets but realised he may be heard, his office, but someone may walk in.

As he was driven home he thought of the perfect place, he pulled his car onto the side of the road, got out and layed out underneath the car, pleased with the comfort and discretion he shut his eyes started to masturbate picturing his wife.

After about 10 minutes a police man came and asked him what he was doing, his eyes still closed and masturbating he replied 'erm just checking everythings OK'

'Yeah OK, well while you're down there you might want to check the brakes because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago!':lmao

[Sandy]

dav i love your sense of humor:lmao

[Norfolkdave]

dav i love your sense of humor:lmao

Thanks babe only trying to help on this site, laughing, a gsoh makes any site a good site;)

[spare_change]

Hank goes into emergency with his testicles just hanging by a few bits of skin.
The doctor said to Hank, "What ever happened to you, it must have been very painful!"

Hank explains, "While hunting in the bush I needed to go to the bathroom for the heavy duty job. As I squatted down, I didn`t see the bear trap and WHAM! the bear trap sprang shut right over my testicles."

"Wow!" The doctor said, "That must have been very painful."

Hank replied, "No, that wasn`t the worst pain. The worst pain was when I got up and ran out of chain!"

[spare_change]

A middle aged couple are watching TV one evening when an evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick. A voice on the TV said, "If you would like to pray with him, place your right hand in the air and place your left hand on the afflicted area."

So the guy places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch.

His wife watches him, and then says, "Gee, honey. He said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

[MCat]

I must be dumb tonight, can't get the damn thing to post right.

[Norfolkdave]

I must be dumb tonight, can't get the damn thing to post right.

You said it not I, but im only bantering with you:lmao

[spare_change]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[spare_change]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"

He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

[spare_change]

sellor's Office

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.

She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"

The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

[Norfolkdave]

and heres mine

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed,
when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect,"
her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my d*ck with
aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!

[GeekMaster]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and it immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.


The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.


Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.


As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.............

























Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs
the horse.

[GeekMaster]

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, and Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't
beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What does a Rubick's cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury
Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're
screwed.

[GeekMaster]

An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a clearing.

The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says,

How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?" :D

[Norfolkdave]

I heard this joke the other day and I will try not to butcher it to bad.

A man and woman are in a bar and they really are liking eachother. The woman is turned on by the fact the man is a fireman.. They decide they will go out to the car and fool around. She says they need ground rules first:rules: She said if she says 1st alarm then its ok to make out. If she yells 2nd alarm he can play with her tits and pussy. If she yells 3rd alarm that means she is hot and to fuck her really hard.

So now they are in the car and she yells 1st alarm and they start kissing and making out. A cpl mins later she yells 2nd alarm and the shirts come off and the grinding starts. When she yells 3rd alarm he climbs on top of her and fucks her just as hard as he can. All of a suddon she yells out 4th alarm. The guy says what the hell is 4th alarm? She said More Hose your no where near the fire :D


Baa baa big dick have you any sperm? yes mam, yes mam 2 balls firm,
None for my girlfriend, none for my ex, All for this Horny bitch reading this txt

[Norfolkdave]

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, and Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't
beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What does a Rubick's cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury
Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're
screwed.

Brilliant man thats gonna take some beating I,ve saved that hope you dont mind.:wa:

[Wet Beaver]

You may prefer this to any of the Indian casinos! It costs nothing, you can play at home and you don't care if you win or lose. Enjoy!

Click the link below !!!



http://www.vissor.com/interactive/assets/slut.swf

[Norfolkdave]

You may prefer this to any of the Indian casinos! It costs nothing, you can play at home and you don't care if you win or lose. Enjoy!

Click the link below !!!



http://www.vissor.com/interactive/assets/slut.swf

Yes that was good, got a matching pair:wa:

[Norfolkdave]

And another

One day a boy gets a duck from his dad. His dad says son get as much money for this duck as possible and the boy says okay. The boy is walking down the street and this hooker says I will fuck you if you give me that duck so he says okay. He does so and she says, "You did such a fine job that I'll give you the duck back if you do it again. He does and continues his journey.

He is walking down the street and his duck fly's out into the street and gets run over by an 18-wheeler. The driver gets out and says, "Sorry kid! Here's $10 for your duck."

When the kid gets home his dad asked him what he got for the duck and the boy say's,

"Great dad! I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and ten bucks for a fucked up duck."

[spare_change]

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

[spare_change]

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"

[spare_change]

What women would do if they had a penis for a day


10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

[spare_change]

What men would do if they had a vagina for a day


10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

[Barkiss]

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,

"John, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says.

"Just get the hell out."

[Wet Beaver]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted
by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in
attendance, one of whom approached the Sgt. Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sgt. Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sgt. Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The SGM's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy
yourself."

The Sgt. Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sgt. Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out
and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since
1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sgt. Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now."

[Norfolkdave]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted
by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in
attendance, one of whom approached the Sgt. Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sgt. Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sgt. Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The SGM's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy
yourself."

The Sgt. Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sgt. Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out
and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since
1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sgt. Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now."

Lol brilliant:lmao

[Norfolkdave]

Heres another
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.

"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"

[GeekMaster]

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.

"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said " That Son-Of-A-Bitch had $500 in quarters

[illmakeurtoeswiggle]

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...


One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was.
He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!"
Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!"
So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy.
"Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?"
So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"
The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside.
"Chocolates?" she asked.
"Nope."
"A Cake?"
Johnny shook his head No. Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box.
She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles."
"No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."

It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.
Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble.
Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.
His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him.
That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

"Class dismissed!" the teacher yelled but little Johnny doesn't go.
He walks to the teachers desk and says, "Teacher can i go home with you?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Okay."
They get to the teachers house and she says, "Well i'm going to take a quick shower, you sit right here."
"Can i take a shower with you?" he asks.
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Well okay, I guess."
So their in the shower and little Johnny says, "Can i turn off the lights?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Okay."
So the lights are off and little Johnny says, "Can i stick my finger in your belly button?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
"Well okay." says the teacher, "JOHNNY!, that's not my belly-button!"
"Yeah? and that's not my finger either!"

[Norfolkdave]

and yet another

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.

Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."

Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?"

Kathy frowned and said,"The postman."

"Why the postman?" asked Joanne.

"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."

[illmakeurtoeswiggle]

Here are a few not-so-dirty but funny things to enjoy!

http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/blondeswish.jpg
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/bombtech.jpg
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/3.jpg
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/ama%20study.gif
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/are%20people%20staring.gif

This one is especially for Wet Beaver! http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/beaver%20shave.gif

http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/driveway_his_vs_hers.jpg
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/femalebrain.jpg
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/gyno%20convention.jpg
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/huh.jpg
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/mcdonaldssign.jpg
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/mcdonaldssign.jpg
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/panty%20remover.bmp
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/problem.jpg
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/remote.jpg
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/thinkof.jpg
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/sunscreen.jpg
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/daschle.jpg
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/why%20women%20cant%20fix%20cars.jpg
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/shocker(hand%20one).jpg
http://www.xtreme2k2.com/images/funny/ot7820.jpg

[Norfolkdave]

Here are a few not-so-dirty but funny things to enjoy!



This one is especially for Wet Beaver!


Oh yes brilliant just right for WB and her sense of humour:lmao

[MCat]

Ziploc bags are Male. They are male because they hold
everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female. They are female because once
turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc
if not cared for properly, or the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tires are Male because they go bald and are often
over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloons are Male because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under them, and of course, there's the
hot air part.

Sponges are Female because they're soft, squeezable
and retain water.

The Web Page is Female because it's always getting hit
on.

The Subway is Male because it uses the same old lines
to pick people up.

The Hourglass is Female because over time, the weight
shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male because it hasn't changed much over
the last 5000 years, but it's handy to have around.

The Remote Control is Female. Yes, you thought it
would be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to
push, he keeps trying.

[illmakeurtoeswiggle]

VERY GOOD, Marycat!:lmao :lmao :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

Ziploc bags are Male. They are male because they hold
everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female. They are female because once
turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc
if not cared for properly, or the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tires are Male because they go bald and are often
over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloons are Male because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under them, and of course, there's the
hot air part.

Sponges are Female because they're soft, squeezable
and retain water.

The Web Page is Female because it's always getting hit
on.

The Subway is Male because it uses the same old lines
to pick people up.

The Hourglass is Female because over time, the weight
shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male because it hasn't changed much over
the last 5000 years, but it's handy to have around.

The Remote Control is Female. Yes, you thought it
would be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to
push, he keeps trying.

Very clever now Im going to have to call you the Wise one :lmao

[Penny]

I think we need a jokes forum so these dont get lost Some are brilliant :D

[Norfolkdave]

I think we need a jokes forum so these dont get lost Some are brilliant :D

Yes I agree with you will you start one up!:wa:

[GeekMaster]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

bout an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
























"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO

[spare_change]

It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.

The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"

Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you."

The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?"

The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.

Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?"

Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson.

Bat Masterson smiled and looked up at the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you."

"What's that?" the boy asked.

"I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard."

Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that.

Masterson put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and. . . "

The boy didn't wait for the rest of the answer.

[spare_change]

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear : "Your sister likes this position too."

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.

[spare_change]

Ways To Be Offensive At A Wedding:

1. Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.

2. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.

3. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.

4. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.

5. Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.

6. Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab. clinic.

7. As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.

8. Ask the bride's mother to give you a hand job.

9. Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.

10. Propose a toast to the bride's nose job.

11. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.

12. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

13. After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your bra, throw your bra..."

14. Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

15. Tell the rabbi that there's no money to pay him, and ask if he'll settle for stupping the bride.

16. Assure the bride's mother that the groom is "hung like a horse."

17. Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

18. If there's a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell hin that he has to wear one yarmukle on his head and another on his hump.

19. When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, "The Lady is a Tramp."

20. Instead of paying to dance with the bride in the "Dollar Dance", ask her for a lap dance like she did last Friday.

[spare_change]

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth?

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60." But it will be pretty painfull.

"That's still too expensive," the man says. It does not matter how painful it is.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20." That could be more pain then you can stand.

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

[Penny]

Thinking of it :)



Yes I agree with you will you start one up!:wa:

[Bandit256]

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear : "Your sister likes this position too."

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.

HEE HAW!!! :lmao

[Bandit256]

You may prefer this to any of the Indian casinos! It costs nothing, you can play at home and you don't care if you win or lose. Enjoy!

Click the link below !!!



http://www.vissor.com/interactive/assets/slut.swf

:boobs: :boobs: :boobs: WINNER!!!!

[MCat]

"Your sister likes this position too."

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.

I like this one...:lmao

[MCat]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein,
"My private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.


"Well," he replied. "Today's ! the viewing." http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/10/10_1_25.gif

[Bandit256]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein,
"My private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.


"Well," he replied. "Today's ! the viewing." http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/10/10_1_25.gif

:lmao

[GeekMaster]

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...


If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, gives it to his wife to put in Wendy's chilli... he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home

drunk,he blames the bartender.


If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.


If your friend is shot by a deranged madwoman, you blame the gun manufacturer.





I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.





So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates.:D

[GeekMaster]

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'.":lmao

[Polo38]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein,
"My private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorr