Plus Size Women

[Heart]

After I had my babies I was a few sizes larger than what I was when I was married....the hubby stopped sex with me and then finally told me after a few years of looking elsewhere that my stomach got in the way and it was disgusting.....

So, I guess my question is....do other wives get this treatment? And men, WHY?!?!

[Kissie]

Lets just say...I am not a size 2 anymore either...But am very lucky my hubby loves me for me...has no problem with my size!!!!!!
If your hubby has such a problem...maybe he should tactfully find away to help...mine has and I have lost 148 pounds and still have a few to go...but he was a BIG help!!!!

[dicksr4chicks]

He's a dick head. I think there are about a 1000 different ways to deal with this and this ain't one of them. I don't think hurting someone feelings is the right way to go about making a point.

[sweet]

First of all, I'm sorry that you have to put up with that. He should love you and think you're attractive no matter what size you are.
Losing weight after having a baby is not easy. It's been 5 years since I had my youngest, and I'm still trying to get back down to the weight I was before I had the kids.
My husband has also made remarks about me gaining weight, usually when we are having an argument. He'll say it just to hit me where it hurts. He usually does end up apologizing for saying such nasty things, but it still hurts.

So, I know how you feel. Don't let him get you down. You're a beautiful woman, no matter what he or anyone else says. :hug:

[gdg]

I have never been and probably never will be thin. But, I am happy the way I am. My husband used to say things and like Sweet's it is in an argument when it is meant to hurt and it does. I am healthy and active. You need to be happy with yourself and realize that sometimes it is the other person's insecurities that make them sound like idiots. I guarantee if you were thinner he would find something else to pick on.
If you decide to lose weight, do it for yourself and for a healthier you.

[redheadedchick2]

I think sexy is in the mind no matter what size you are.

[scoobertina]

I gained alot of weight after my babies too... I was lonely and kept eating to keep myself happy... it didnt work... my hubby told me that i am more beautiful now that I lost all the weight but even though he never told me I disgusted him, I felt it... it was horrible... it was part of why I am no longer with him...

That is why I don't ask for pictures from my friends here.. I want to judge them on their heart and not their physical appearances... that tells me so much about them... how they treat others.. how they treat me... if they are consistant...

I am sure you are a beautiful person inside and out... and welcome hon... I look forward to getting to know you

[GeekMaster]

After I had my babies I was a few sizes larger than what I was when I was married....the hubby stopped sex with me and then finally told me after a few years of looking elsewhere that my stomach got in the way and it was disgusting.....

So, I guess my question is....do other wives get this treatment? And men, WHY?!?!

Any man who makes comments about the lady that gave birth to his children concerning weight gain or body shape change is a total ASS!!!

A lady, to me anyway, is attractive because of her mind, attitude, intelligence, and her being comfortable with who she is. Even in the most intense of arguments, I NEVER say things about my wife's appearance. I did NOT marry her looks. I married HER!!

When I meet a lady here for the first time, I find out about who and what she is on the inside. I do not ask for pics, or dimensions. The external of a lady is just icing on the cake of who she is.

In addition, a lot of good looking icing can hide some terrible cake.

I prefer the good cake. That way, if the icing changes, the cake is still good.

If his attentions to you are based strictly on your appearance, find a REAL man!!!

[sassynsweet]

when I was 23 I had surgery for a ruptured disc. I suddenly found myself bedridden for two months and had to give up a LOT of sports I was active in. I slowly packed on weight and my metabolism was a mess. My hubby made a few comments, he thought to help encourage, but it only made me lose all desire for him. This was NOT what he expected or wanted, but the damage was done. We had to do a LOT of talking, crying, soul searching, and honest sharing of feelings to get through it. But we did. Eventually. Later when i started losing, it scared him - made him worried I had found somebody else.
My suggestion is to talk - and keep talking until he "gets it". I've lost that weight twice now, and am in the process of losing it yet again after the gain from quitting smoking. Its so much easier with support of family and friends than with criticism!!

Talk talk talk!!!

[Orca08]

well, i have never told my wife in the heat of the argument or in jest that she was fat or overweight, not that she is overweight. maybe a peter belly. she has done a nice job after two kids. i was tempted to mention to her that cellulite was on her legs and ass, but couldn't bring myself to find a way to say it nicely. i figure she must know and i will live with it. i try and buy her sexy clothes for the bedroom and show her nice sexy clothes for her and tell her how sexy she looks. she knows i love her no matter how she looks. just wish she would enjoy sex and more sex and even more sex and learn how much enjoyment i get from pleasing her and watching her have O after O after O

[gdg]

well, i have never told my wife in the heat of the argument or in jest that she was fat or overweight, not that she is overweight. maybe a peter belly. she has done a nice job after two kids. i was tempted to mention to her that cellulite was on her legs and ass, but couldn't bring myself to find a way to say it nicely. i figure she must know and i will live with it. i try and buy her sexy clothes for the bedroom and show her nice sexy clothes for her and tell her how sexy she looks. she knows i love her no matter how she looks. just wish she would enjoy sex and more sex and even more sex and learn how much enjoyment i get from pleasing her and watching her have O after O after O

Can we clone u?

[Orca08]

i don't know about cloning me. i don't think another ME running around the world is very wise, but anytime you want to use me i will try to find time lol

just as long as you want and need sex more than me :D that is the key!!!

[Frenchie_lady]

I have to agree with everything that has been said... but a word a advice for all the men that would be tempted to mention weight or anything else to their wife or gf... do you really think we have not noticed and that we feel so happy about it?

weight gain is usually just a symptom of something else going wrong in your life, instead of wacking on the damn nail... can you try and help fix the maching instead?

[AL(m)]

Its not just the women who put on the weight...... 99% of the males once they are married put on weight.... we tend to let our self go......
So it is much wiser for all to just learn to accept people for what they are.. and for the person in the body........Its the mind that makes them sexy......the rest only becomes window dressing.... so treat every one with respect and keep un-called for comments to ones self......

[trausersnake]

My guess is that he is projecting his own issues about himself and maybe some self esteem problems onto you. You can find this a lot with the jealous husband type. The problem is his and may not even realize it. Does he feel you need to be a trophy wife to make everyone around him think he is successful in some way. More than anything, I feel sorry for him because he obviously has a lot of internal suffering going on and is not able to handle it. You are right to feel hurt, and should ask him why he said those mean things about you to get to the real issues. You cant fix him, but you can get him to the point were he realizes the problem is his, not you. The only thing a husband should give to his wife is love and compassion. He is lucky to have you because a lot of woman would simply end the realtionship and all that was invested into it. You are very kind. If I was your man, I would find many ways to love you no matter what size. I see you heart and your mind are beautiful.

[Sensual Woman]

My guess is that he is projecting his own issues about himself and maybe some self esteem problems onto you. You can find this a lot with the jealous husband type. The problem is his and may not even realize it. Does he feel you need to be a trophy wife to make everyone around him think he is successful in some way. More than anything, I feel sorry for him because he obviously has a lot of internal suffering going on and is not able to handle it. You are right to feel hurt, and should ask him why he said those mean things about you to get to the real issues. You cant fix him, but you can get him to the point were he realizes the problem is his, not you. The only thing a husband should give to his wife is love and compassion. He is lucky to have you because a lot of woman would simply end the realtionship and all that was invested into it. You are very kind. If I was your man, I would find many ways to love you no matter what size. I see you heart and your mind are beautiful.

Trausersnake, you are making me cry...that is beautiful....could you tell that to my husband? Oh never mind, he wouldn't listen anyway.

[RedVixen]

After I had my babies I was a few sizes larger than what I was when I was married....the hubby stopped sex with me and then finally told me after a few years of looking elsewhere that my stomach got in the way and it was disgusting.....

So, I guess my question is....do other wives get this treatment? And men, WHY?!?!

I think hubby needs a course on how to treat his wife and mother of his children properly. IMO, this has nothing to do with weight....something is seriously wrong with him :spbx:

[Heart]

i've brought it up in counseling but he just sits there and says "i don't know"

trouser....would you like to come and mediate the conversation?! LOL that was very sweet of you to say...thanks so much :)

[Sunfiresix]

The heart and soul and mind do not change with a persons weight--no matter if we lose a hundred pounds or gain a hundred pounds--we fall in love with someone and it shouldn't be the body we base it on--my wife went from 130lbs when we married to under 100 now--I love her no less--should be the same to either way...

[ladyyhawk]

Heart-broken! Girl we both know that your husband is the one with the issues. Please look for resources so you can leave get your life together and be happy! BE HAPPY fat, thin, short or tall.

LOVE YA!

[mark_66]

Interesting thread - truly amazing is how everyone has jumped on the bandwagon that hubby is simply a piece of shit, insenstive, cruel, etc etc etc. In the heat of an argument it certainly is not unusual for both parties to lose it and turn an argument in to combat with each drawing on the most hurtful weapons they can use to inflict pain.

[Zarret]

The heart and soul and mind do not change with a persons weight--no matter if we lose a hundred pounds or gain a hundred pounds--we fall in love with someone and it shouldn't be the body we base it on--my wife went from 130lbs when we married to under 100 now--I love her no less--should be the same to either way...

You are a gem babe.......:sng

I've lost a total of 178 lbs and I have to say for all the things that irritate me my husband was very supportive. He loves me no matter what size I am and has never made me self conscious. The sexy me is in my heart, and personality, not the shell I walk this earth with.

[mark_66]

I also do not hold it true that a man or woman that marries must simly ignore or avoid those things that they find disturbing or threatening to the relationship. It is difficut to watch another person you love go down a path of self destruction. Do you consider Weight Gain self destructive? The medical community has coined a phrase -morbidly obese so apparently they do.

If weight gain for instance is a topic sooo sensitive that it can not be discussed rationally than is it any wonder that people begin rejecting each other? There are many reasons a person may have or think they have to justify weight gain - but the bottom line up front (favorite of us military types) Weight gain is a choice as is losing the weight

[Sneaky]

when I was 23 I had surgery for a ruptured disc. I suddenly found myself bedridden for two months and had to give up a LOT of sports I was active in. I slowly packed on weight and my metabolism was a mess. My hubby made a few comments, he thought to help encourage, but it only made me lose all desire for him. This was NOT what he expected or wanted, but the damage was done. We had to do a LOT of talking, crying, soul searching, and honest sharing of feelings to get through it. But we did. Eventually. Later when i started losing, it scared him - made him worried I had found somebody else.
My suggestion is to talk - and keep talking until he "gets it". I've lost that weight twice now, and am in the process of losing it yet again after the gain from quitting smoking. Its so much easier with support of family and friends than with criticism!!

Talk talk talk!!!

I gained weight twice, once in my mid 20's when I went on the depo shot for birth control....OMG! I was HUNGRY 24/7! And the other was when I gained weight after quiting smoking because I did nothing but cram sugar products in my mouth for 6 months. Each time it was about 15 pounds. Both times my husband made comments and made me feel awful. I remember one time we were watching tv at night and I was hungry and I said I felt like a snack and her reached over, pinched my thigh and said, "I don't think you NEED a snack". I can't tell you how bad I felt about that. It felt like I was less value to him both as his wife and a woman because I had gained weight. For a while I didn't want him to touch me because I thought he was thinking I was a big fatty every time he did.


Most women had body image issues that start at age 10. To have the person in your life who is soposed to love you for who you are make comments about your body can really hurt.

[gdg]

I also do not hold it true that a man or woman that marries must simly ignore or avoid those things that they find disturbing or threatening to the relationship. It is difficut to watch another person you love go down a path of self destruction. Do you consider Weight Gain self destructive? The medical community has coined a phrase -morbidly obese so apparently they do.

If weight gain for instance is a topic sooo sensitive that it can not be discussed rationally than is it any wonder that people begin rejecting each other? There are many reasons a person may have or thing they have to justify weight gain - but the bottom line up front (favorite of us military types) Weight gain is a choice as is losing the weight

Since when is name calling rational? Of course it is unhealthy but it is a sensitive subject and should be treated as such.
It is not helpful to make the other person feel like crap. If someone is concerned about you there are 1 million ways to go about helping and this isn't one of them.

[mark_66]

all very true but i suspect in the argument as in most arguments that turn vicious both parties are playing it down hard and cruel with the intent of inflicting as much pain as possible on the other - my point is simple if the arument gets down to that level its time to both walk away until what ever caused the argument can be discussed more rationally. If he commented about her size at that time perhaps it was the only moment he felt he could bring up something was very disturbing to him? he could always then plead the heat of the moment when things settled down

[Sneaky]

If he commented about her size at that time perhaps it was the only moment he felt he could bring up something was very disturbing to him? he could always then plead the heat of the moment when things settled down

Oh, things would just be getting heated up at my house then. LOL. :okThere wouldn't be any settling down for a while.

[clifton54]

Heartbroken, sorry that you have to go thru this. Guys can be inconsiderate jerks at times. You need to forget what he said and be happy for yourself. If you want to lose weight it has to be for you and nobody else. It shouldn't be just about looks and size, but unfortunately for many people it is. Keep your chin up and remember there are a lot of wonderful people here willing to listen and help. :))):

[stellabelle]

Heartbroken, sorry that you have to go thru this. Guys can be inconsiderate jerks at times. You need to forget what he said and be happy for yourself. If you want to lose weight it has to be for you and nobody else. It shouldn't be just about looks and size, but unfortunately for many people it is. Keep your chin up and remember there are a lot of wonderful people here willing to listen and help. :))):


Well said Clif...well said. Thanks.

[mark_66]

ah there it is - it really does not matter what anyone says to you - the only opinon that truly matters is your own, no one survives long if you give merit to everything everyone says to you - you filter it yourself, ignore the ones you disagree with and evalutate those you think may be true and then decide the path forward - but it is your decisio not his or anyone elses

[kay1965]

Heartbroken I am sorry that you are treated like this no human being female or male deserves this , My hubby never made this remark to me I gained alot of weight also while caring our child ,And to this day probably still caring 40 lbs of my child and he is 18yrs old Lol , But even if someone does gain weight does that change who they are at heart and as a person , If anyone thinks different they are a fool .

Heck my shoes size even changed ,

So guys if you are ever guilty of making fun or making remarks about you wife ,g/f becuase she gained weight please stop just becuase they are overweight big deal they are the same person that you feel or falling in love with .

Just my opinion

[sassynsweet]

I also do not hold it true that a man or woman that marries must simly ignore or avoid those things that they find disturbing or threatening to the relationship. It is difficut to watch another person you love go down a path of self destruction. Do you consider Weight Gain self destructive? The medical community has coined a phrase -morbidly obese so apparently they do.

If weight gain for instance is a topic sooo sensitive that it can not be discussed rationally than is it any wonder that people begin rejecting each other? There are many reasons a person may have or think they have to justify weight gain - but the bottom line up front (favorite of us military types) Weight gain is a choice as is losing the weight
wowser..

I'm thinking if he's out looking around for awhile after this women has given birth to his child.. and calls her "disgusting" not only is he not all that sensitive, but he surely isn't rational either. I find it hard to believe being that harsh was a result of him being overly sensitive OR rational!

Bottom line in my humble opinion.. treat people the way you wish to be treated .. lovingly and kindly. It doesn't matter what the medical community calls it.. or why it happens. It simply IS. Find a way to discuss it like a human being, to a human being, not some trained machine with no feelings at all, and then use so-called concern to justify the venom.

[catmom]

You are a gem babe.......:sng

The sexy me is in my heart, and personality, not the shell I walk this earth with.

AMEN SISTER!

[Soffie]

I also do not hold it true that a man or woman that marries must simly ignore or avoid those things that they find disturbing or threatening to the relationship. It is difficut to watch another person you love go down a path of self destruction. Do you consider Weight Gain self destructive? The medical community has coined a phrase -morbidly obese so apparently they do.

If weight gain for instance is a topic sooo sensitive that it can not be discussed rationally than is it any wonder that people begin rejecting each other? There are many reasons a person may have or think they have to justify weight gain - but the bottom line up front (favorite of us military types) Weight gain is a choice as is losing the weight

I definitely don't find your comments amusing despite what your mood says! If you had any inkling about the subject you would not have made the comments you did. It is not a choice for a lot of people AND it has been medically proven that some people are genetically more prone to weight gain no matter what they do. And, personally, I find the military type stuffy and know-it-all-ish (I know that is not a word but it fits) when they usually don't have a clue.
Welcome to the site and rest assured that most of us do not agree with the insensitive opinions expressed above! :spbx:

[Heart]

WOW....thanks for all the great responses....let me clarify something....we were not in an argument....for the first time in our lives LOL....it was spur of the moment question that I handed over to him...and he answered......

When he left on his first deployment i joined Weight Watchers and lost 30 lbs and made it down 3 sizes but I when he came home I gained 20 of it back and received no support to continue on....now I am working with a personal trainer and incorporating Weight Watchers but it has been a slow process.

Thanks for all of the great comments everyone!

[softrosepetal]

As far as sex and weight go......no matter size if you want it you can find a way. Having children changes our bodies. I had to learn to be ok with mine as well. Was 100 pounds over weight and finally lost it . Remeber weight does not make us who we are inside. The inside is what makes us beautiful on the outside. If he can't see that then I am sorry for him..

[Soffie]

WOW....thanks for all the great responses....let me clarify something....we were not in an argument....for the first time in our lives LOL....it was spur of the moment question that I handed over to him...and he answered......

When he left on his first deployment i joined Weight Watchers and lost 30 lbs and made it down 3 sizes but I when he came home I gained 20 of it back and received no support to continue on....now I am working with a personal trainer and incorporating Weight Watchers but it has been a slow process.

Thanks for all of the great comments everyone!

Stick with Weight Watchers but do it for you and no one else! I have lost 62 pounds on WW but it took me a year! Don't give up! I am not thin by their standards but I am at the goal that my doctor and I thought would be best for me. I am healthy and enjoying my life! You can do it I know you can! :D

[Krystal]

I've been reading this thread all day, and thinking about what to say in response to it. HLW....I feel for you, babe...I truly do. Men who can't see past a woman's flaws don't deserve that woman. I applaud your efforts to lose the weight. I'm down 15 lbs on Weight Watchers in 11 weeks. I'm proud of myself and my husband has been very supportive, moreso than in the past. He is all for choosing restaurants where I can eat from the menu. He even let me buy him lower fat Chips Ahoy and Oreos, even though I don't eat them, just to have healthier options for him and to not have the high fat stuff in the house.

The thing I think that's been eating at me all day about how to answer this thread....is that it wasn't my husband that ever called me "fat".....it was my father. I was a chubby kid....and he let me know it, not outright, but in backhanded "helping" comments....like "Well, if you lost a little weight, you would be able to do more with your friends." Anyone who is overweight....KNOWS. Anyone who tries to "help" by telling them so....is a shithead.

As rosepetal said....there are guys out there who will adore you as a companion no matter your size. You should find yourself one, regardless of whether you leave your husband....and tell your husband to go suck an egg. :) Every woman deserves to feel wanted, needed, and loved.

[mark_66]

Wow the insensitivity in that post Krystal - how sexist, how truly insensitive to men - men need all those things also and nice breasts would be a bonus !!! Yes I know insensitive oh well

[pointofnoreturn]

Never had kids, so I cannot blame my sagging falling bulging issues on that. But.........If you had my hubby...You may think differently. He has put on about 80 lbs since we started dating. And no I am not a great cook....But he still is mine. And I would never hurt him with words about his weight....

[sassynsweet]

Wow the insensitivity in that post Krystal - how sexist, how truly insensitive to men - men need all those things also and nice breasts would be a bonus !!! Yes I know insensitive oh well

I don't see a single insensitive thought anywhere in her post! yours, however.. well...
:spbx::thr

Maybe things are getting lost in the written word with no tone of voice.. maybe we have all totally misunderstood you .. Are you possibly just being sarcastic and trying to bring humor to a hurtful and sensitive issue here?? I'm really REALLY trying to find a way to believe that about you - the alternative is just ... ugly.

[mark_66]

WOW....thanks for all the great responses....let me clarify something....we were not in an argument....for the first time in our lives LOL....it was spur of the moment question that I handed over to him...and he answered......

When he left on his first deployment i joined Weight Watchers and lost 30 lbs and made it down 3 sizes but I when he came home I gained 20 of it back and received no support to continue on....now I am working with a personal trainer and incorporating Weight Watchers but it has been a slow process.

Thanks for all of the great comments everyone!

I simply must comment to your statement about receiving no support when he came back from his first deployment to a WAR!!!! I do understand you probably did not mean it the way it came out but did you consider that his failure to deliver on support was because he might have been having his own difficulties coping with coming back from a war and perhaps he might have needed your support at that time?
congratualtion on the personal trainer and I hope you meet your objective. Also congratualtions on your husband safe return from his depoyments and his service to our country

[Soffie]

Wow the insensitivity in that post Krystal - how sexist, how truly insensitive to men - men need all those things also and nice breasts would be a bonus !!! Yes I know insensitive oh well

Apparently your mother never taught you "if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all" but mine did. Enough said!:)

[Sneaky]

Wow the insensitivity in that post Krystal - how sexist, how truly insensitive to men - men need all those things also and nice breasts would be a bonus !!! Yes I know insensitive oh well

I don't see a single insensitive thought anywhere in her post! yours, however.. well...
:spbx::thr

Maybe things are getting lost in the written word with no tone of voice.. maybe we have all totally misunderstood you .. Are you possibly just being sarcastic and trying to bring humor to a hurtful and sensitive issue here?? I'm really REALLY trying to find a way to believe that about you - the alternative is just ... ugly.

Yeah. Would you speak that way to your spouse or someone you love, Mark?

[Shawn]

Ok... Now everyone here knows I love a joke here or there... but a womans weight is never a joking matter, my wife .. as i am sure most can relate, gained weight due to the pregnancy... she was one of the lucky ones that shed it right off. I know this is not the case for everyone. However I would not ever think to say the things that have been said in this thread....nor to HLW.

With that ..... HLW find people whom like you for YOU, not what you can or can not fit into.... you have to rebuild your self esteem because its obvious you have enough A-holes trying to chip at it. Good luck, you are gonna be ok.. just do what makes YOU feel better.... screw the ones that can not see that.......just my opinion

[Constance]

Well, I have to say, that after you have been married awhile. Things do change. It could be weight or looks, a number of thing, Personality's can change. We have to change with them to stay with each other. You have to grow with each other and marriage is hard enough as it is, respect and love that is never ending.

[Trayclee]

All though I havent had kids I have struggled with my weight for years I was bigger when Hubby and I first meet. He tells me that he loves me and that I am sexy no matter what. I think in most relationship there is some physical attraction to the other person but I think confidence in yourself is more sexy than anything else.

Just rememeber right here and right now is as good as it gets, I am sure there are somethings we would like to change about ourselves but thinking about it only wastes energy. Hurtful comments can never be taken back, it's a person's way of being honest without any regard for the other persons feelings. Communication and talking avoids this happening.

It all comes from within

[Intensive]

After I had my babies I was a few sizes larger than what I was when I was married....the hubby stopped sex with me and then finally told me after a few years of looking elsewhere that my stomach got in the way and it was disgusting.....

So, I guess my question is....do other wives get this treatment? And men, WHY?!?!

I would say this:


If your husband really loved you, he would love ALL of you, including the parts that have changed. IF he just loved you when you looked really good (before kids) then he doesnt really love you at all.

Just my opinion - from the man side of the house, I love every square inch of my wife - even the parts that she wishes didnt change after kids!:lf

[mike76239]

well he sounds like a real asswhip..........i think it is time you moved on. we are not kids anymore,,,,,,,,,and i am sure most dont have the bodies we had when we were in our teens

[MCat]

well, i have never told my wife in the heat of the argument or in jest that she was fat or overweight, not that she is overweight. maybe a peter belly. she has done a nice job after two kids. i was tempted to mention to her that cellulite was on her legs and ass, but couldn't bring myself to find a way to say it nicely. i figure she must know and i will live with it. i try and buy her sexy clothes for the bedroom and show her nice sexy clothes for her and tell her how sexy she looks. she knows i love her no matter how she looks. just wish she would enjoy sex and more sex and even more sex and learn how much enjoyment i get from pleasing her and watching her have O after O after O


Just a thought....do not mention the cellulite on her legs and ass! She knows its there and doesn't need to be reminded. Its not easy to get rid of.

[MCat]

Interesting thread - truly amazing is how everyone has jumped on the bandwagon that hubby is simply a piece of shit, insenstive, cruel, etc etc etc. In the heat of an argument it certainly is not unusual for both parties to lose it and turn an argument in to combat with each drawing on the most hurtful weapons they can use to inflict pain.

I don't think its usual for most couples to draw weapons when they argue. If a wife did this to her husband...I would think she was a piece of shit also.

[hoss]

my wifey just had a baby and she gained wieght...i still find her sexy as hell...and i dont find her stomach disgusting ,i find stick women disgusting ...she is working out and will be sexier than ever .....

your husband need a good whack over the head with a shovel ....

[MCat]

I also do not hold it true that a man or woman that marries must simly ignore or avoid those things that they find disturbing or threatening to the relationship. It is difficut to watch another person you love go down a path of self destruction. Do you consider Weight Gain self destructive? The medical community has coined a phrase -morbidly obese so apparently they do.

If weight gain for instance is a topic sooo sensitive that it can not be discussed rationally than is it any wonder that people begin rejecting each other? There are many reasons a person may have or think they have to justify weight gain - but the bottom line up front (favorite of us military types) Weight gain is a choice as is losing the weight

Weight gain is not always a choice....and if the woman wants to discuss it she will. She doesn't need her man/her husband to harp on it. If my husband talked about my weight it would depress me and then I would probably not have the will or energy to take care of myself.

I am 5'3" and currently weigh 176 pounds...about 50 pounds overweight according to "The Charts". I have lost 22 pounds in the last year and a half...my own choice. They offered incentives at work...encouraging good health and fitness. I want to be healthy. I don't think I need to weigh 125 pounds to be healthy or to be attractive. I am quite happy with my substantial ass....and I feel quite good about myself.

As long as I can walk, get on the floor to play with my grandbabies and have sex without discomfort....I'm good to go.

[hoss]

Weight gain is not always a choice....and if the woman wants to discuss it she will. She doesn't need her man/her husband to harp on it. If my husband talked about my weight it would depress me and then I would probably not have the will or energy to take care of myself.

I am 5'3" and currently weigh 176 pounds...about 50 pounds overweight according to "The Charts". I have lost 22 pounds in the last year and a half...my own choice. They offered incentives at work...encouraging good health and fitness. I want to be healthy. I don't think I need to weigh 125 pounds to be healthy or to be attractive. I am quite happy with my substantial ass....and I feel quite good about myself.

As long as I can walk, get on the floor to play with my grandbabies and have sex without discomfort....I'm good to go.


good to go huh ....well u know where i live ....and u know i think your the ...how did u say it ...the cats meow :sng

[MCat]

good to go huh ....well u know where i live ....and u know i think your the ...how did u say it ...the cats meow :sng

Hey Hossie.....nice to see you. The cats meow huh....hmmmmm:ok

[Heart]

I simply must comment to your statement about receiving no support when he came back from his first deployment to a WAR!!!! I do understand you probably did not mean it the way it came out but did you consider that his failure to deliver on support was because he might have been having his own difficulties coping with coming back from a war and perhaps he might have needed your support at that time?
congratualtion on the personal trainer and I hope you meet your objective. Also congratualtions on your husband safe return from his depoyments and his service to our country



After my husband darned near broke my nose upon his return I told him counseling was what we needed or I leave....he went but still is struggling with PTSD...he volunteered and is now in Kosovo. So, yes, I understand.

He had troubles with my weight before his deployment.

[GeekMaster]

...and I feel quite good about myself.

As long as I can walk, get on the floor to play with my grandbabies and have sex without discomfort....I'm good to go.

MCat, I have been ready to go with you for a long long time!!!:ok

[jmsmith12345]

After my husband darned near broke my nose upon his return I told him counseling was what we needed or I leave....he went but still is struggling with PTSD...he volunteered and is now in Kosovo. So, yes, I understand.

He had troubles with my weight before his deployment.

Whether is was before his deployment, after he came home, his ongoing struggles with PTSD, or anything else for that matter, there is no defense for hitting a woman, or for that matter, insulting the woman you say you love. I do not understand when people use outside influences to make excuses for deplorable behavior. Be a grown man (or woman) and accept responsibility for your actions.

I hope that upon his return, you and hubby can work things out and get back on a positive track.

[Lethe]

My wife is overweight too, but you know what, so am I. We were that way when we met and fell in love, and we're still that way - overweight and in love. I think she's sexy, she doesn't. I love her heart and what kind of person she is as well as how I think she looks. This is just my opinion, but someone who is in love with looks isn't really in love. I think anyone, male or female, who makes derogatory remarks about their spouses weight problems has their own problems they need to deal with. My wife and I can have honest discussions about our weight but both of us know nothing is ever meant to be hurtful. I couldn't have respect for anyone who would be mean-spirited about that.

[Shiane]

What an interesting topic. I currently work at a hospital that specializes in bariatric surgeries. Guess what! It isn't all fun and games. Many people are literally dying to be thin. To me it is very sad people will risk their lives just to fit in to a world who will just find something else to make fun of.

Being overweight is for most people NOT a choice. Who in their right mind would want to be fat? I can tell you not a single one!

The world we live in is cruel, and if you're overweight you know exactly what I mean.

As a society.........

We are expected to be sensitive to alcoholics, because it isn't their fault. Alcoholism is a disease, right?

We are expected to be sensitive to homosexual people, because they can't help it, they were born that way. Being gay isn't a choice, it is just who they are, right?

We are expected to be sensitive to the mentally challenged, because it isn't their fault, they didn't choose to be that way, they just are... right?

I could sit here and list hundreds of things that we as a society need to be sensitive to from physical to cognitive impairments, amputees, burn victims, autistic people, genetic defects, to people who are just different from others.

What makes obesity any different? Just because a person is fat does not mean they don't have the same emotional make up as the thin people? Words still hurt, snickers and laughs still hurt. They still enjoy the same things everyone else does. They enjoy a good joke, a nice evening out with friends, a cold beer after a long day at work, the touch of a man or a woman, sexual satisfaction from being with a lover.

This world is made up of millions of people, each one of them different. We come in all different shapes, sizes and colors. If you think you are perfect, just ask around and I'm sure someone will point out your faults and short comings.

Wouldn't the world be a better place if we could just treat everyone else the way we want to be treated.

If another person can only see you for what you look like then that person is not someone who will love you for who you are. Be good to yourselves people and insist that everyone else treats you like you deserve to be treated. If you don't demand it, they will continue to think it is okay to treat you like crap, and it isn't! JMO

[MrHyde]

I for one find a woman with a little extra very sexy....especially if it accentuates their curves. I also like thin women. I guess it comes down to how you carry yourself and if you think you are sexy. I have also fluctuated. I have been quite chubby at times, and a one point was almost in amatuer body building shape....it makes me feel better when I am working out and eating right.....and I notice the difference in how other people react to me when I'm confident. If a guy is so shallow that a few extra pounds is a deal breaker, than that's too bad. He's missing out.

[Shiane]

Just a thought....do not mention the cellulite on her legs and ass! She knows its there and doesn't need to be reminded. Its not easy to get rid of.

I had this old lady tell me one time it isn't cellulite, it's hail damage! ;)

Women of all shapes and sizes end up with cellulite and it is virtually impossible to get rid of. Men, even obese men rarely have cellulite because their skin is thicker than women's and their collagen fibers are arranged in a horizontal criscross pattern that holds fat firmly in check rather than letting it press against the skin.

Sucks huh!

[Shiane]

There are many subjects that get people fired up and that is understandable. However, we do have a few rules here and everyone is expected to abide by them.

Discussions may happen, arguments may not!

Everyone is required to show respect for other members in their posts regardless of what they think. If you can't say it in a nice way then it doesn't belong in any of the forums here.

There have already been a few comments in this thread that were inappropriate and that needs to be the last we hear about them.

Please keep our rules in mind and be careful what you post!

Thank You!

[Kissie]

What an interesting topic. I currently work at a hospital that specializes in bariatric surgeries. Guess what! It isn't all fun and games. Many people are literally dying to be thin. To me it is very sad people will risk their lives just to fit in to a world who will just find something else to make fun of.

Being overweight is for most people NOT a choice. Who in their right mind would want to be fat? I can tell you not a single one!

The world we live in is cruel, and if you're overweight you know exactly what I mean.

As a society.........

We are expected to be sensitive to alcoholics, because it isn't their fault. Alcoholism is a disease, right?

We are expected to be sensitive to homosexual people, because they can't help it, they were born that way. Being gay isn't a choice, it is just who they are, right?

We are expected to be sensitive to the mentally challenged, because it isn't their fault, they didn't choose to be that way, they just are... right?

I could sit here and list hundreds of things that we as a society need to be sensitive to from physical to cognitive impairments, amputees, burn victims, autistic people, genetic defects, to people who are just different from others.

What makes obesity any different? Just because a person is fat does not mean they don't have the same emotional make up as the thin people? Words still hurt, snickers and laughs still hurt. They still enjoy the same things everyone else does. They enjoy a good joke, a nice evening out with friends, a cold beer after a long day at work, the touch of a man or a woman, sexual satisfaction from being with a lover.

This world is made up of millions of people, each one of them different. We come in all different shapes, sizes and colors. If you think you are perfect, just ask around and I'm sure someone will point out your faults and short comings.

Wouldn't the world be a better place if we could just treat everyone else the way we want to be treated.

If another person can only see you for what you look like then that person is not someone who will love you for who you are. Be good to yourselves people and insist that everyone else treats you like you deserve to be treated. If you don't demand it, they will continue to think it is okay to treat you like crap, and it isn't! JMO


BRAVO Shiane...just BRAVO....
I have a thyroid condition and it makes it very hard to lose weight..although I have..the way some people look at me..just really hurts...
It doesnt seem to matter how much Synthroid they give me...my thyroid just wont do its job!!!

[Barkiss]

There are many subjects that get people fired up and that is understandable. However, we do have a few rules here and everyone is expected to abide by them.

Discussions may happen, arguments may not!

Everyone is required to show respect for other members in their posts regardless of what they think. If you can't say it in a nice way then it doesn't belong in any of the forums here.

There have already been a few comments in this thread that were inappropriate and that needs to be the last we hear about them.

Please keep our rules in mind and be careful what you post!

Thank You!



Thank you Shiane!! :)

I can certainly understand and appreciate the passion behind some of these posts. For those ladies that have experienced weight gain more than likely will be defensive towards anyone stating an opposite point of view. Men will sense the defensiveness and come to the aid, and the site ends up with a battle of words better left unsaid.

However the other side of the coin is the "men" being accused of such "horrible" behavior. I think it is these men that Mark is attempting to speak for. Whether you see it as right or wrong, do not the grooms have the right to expect a certain body type from the person they married? I mean no one hands us a "Marriage of Dummies" that outlines how a woman will gain weight during and after child births. No one tells us to expect the woman we married to change physically after x number of years. No one tells us that we must stay sexually interest in our wives after they add on what we deem to be an excessive amount of weight. This might sound harsh, but it is the truth. We are as blind as the woman who expects their husband to bring home $x to support the family or be available for every family function or learn to pick up our clothes after years of someone else picking them up for us. Men aren't bad because their expectations are not met. I don't know how anyone can blame a man if he is not sexually interested in his wife after she has gained an unacceptable amount of weight in his opinion.

Where we fail, as men and as a relationship, is when we fail to communicate our expectations, needs, and wants. Communication is the key to all relationships. If you are not communicating your feeling of undesirability, and he is not communicating his feelings towards your appearance (in a humane way), then the relationship is failing, not the man. I understand some things are hard to hear; however wouldn't you rather hear it, than wonder what is wrong?

With all of that said, my wife has provide me with 4 beautiful children. Obviously she has gained some weight since we married; however I find her more beautiful today than ever before. I have communicated to her that I would love for her to lose a little weight, as much as I would like to lose a bit myself. I understand that sex isn't as interesting to her because she is concerned with her weight, and I do everything in my power to ensure her that I'm not concerned. She is gorgeous...whether she weighs 105lbs or 150lbs or 200lbs. But...I can tell you I had my days where I thought..."what the hell"...I think it is human nature...or man nature, whichever way you want to put it.

[Krystal]

There was no "right" way to say what you just said, Barkiss, but you did it in the most sensitive way you could. ;) Thanks for that.

My question to the men who have wives who have gained a few, for whatever reason, is this......how have you helped your wife attempt to LOSE the weight? I don't have kids that I can blame my weight on. I have sugar issues and I enjoy food, it's quite simple. My husband enjoys it too....and now, after 12 years of marriage....is starting to realize that I can't enjoy it as much as he does! LOL

In years past, however, he'd eat whatever he wanted while I struggled with dietary choices. He's now coming to the conclusion that in order for me to be successful....he has to change his ways as well. It's not easy to have a "his" and "hers" food household. You can do it.....to a point. Thanks to Weight Watchers, I know what I can eat and what I can't. HE can have the high fat versions of everything....I can't. HE can go back for seconds....I can't. HE can enjoy the all-you-can-eat buffet....I certainly can't. He's now amending his diet in little ways to be more supportive to my diet. We no longer go to restaurants that don't have lower fat options. We eat out a LOT, and are making different choices than we used to. If we cook at home, he eats whatever I choose to make, with no complaints. I now buy lower fat items of the things he used to eat, and if I happen to "need" an Oreo one day....it's a lower fat one that's in the cabinet.

Guys....you can't sit and devour an entire pizza while expecting your wife to eat salad with low fat dressing just so you can have a thinner wife. It's not fair at all. Get into the kitchen with her and decide what you can BOTH do to improve your diets. Maybe you can put some chicken in that salad, and both enjoy it for dinner. You won't die if you eat healthier, trust me. Think about what you're doing....or NOT doing....to support your wives. You can't expect them to eat *around* you and make a totally separate meal for themselves, while you gorge yourself on junk. I'm sure there are a few of you out there who would benefit a little from "helping" your wife succeed. :kk

[mark_66]

Whether is was before his deployment, after he came home, his ongoing struggles with PTSD, or anything else for that matter, there is no defense for hitting a woman, or for that matter, insulting the woman you say you love. I do not understand when people use outside influences to make excuses for deplorable behavior. Be a grown man (or woman) and accept responsibility for your actions.

I hope that upon his return, you and hubby can work things out and get back on a positive track.

You mean actually have someone assume responsibility for their actions??? Here in the US - don't you know in our culture no one is responsible for anything bad that happens. Would it not be refreshing to have some one say hey I am large because I love to eat and i am happy with myself. What a concept

[mark_66]

There was no "right" way to say what you just said, Barkiss, but you did it in the most sensitive way you could. ;) Thanks for that.

My question to the men who have wives who have gained a few, for whatever reason, is this......how have you helped your wife attempt to LOSE the weight? I don't have kids that I can blame my weight on. I have sugar issues and I enjoy food, it's quite simple. My husband enjoys it too....and now, after 12 years of marriage....is starting to realize that I can't enjoy it as much as he does! LOL

In years past, however, he'd eat whatever he wanted while I struggled with dietary choices. He's now coming to the conclusion that in order for me to be successful....he has to change his ways as well. It's not easy to have a "his" and "hers" food household. You can do it.....to a point. Thanks to Weight Watchers, I know what I can eat and what I can't. HE can have the high fat versions of everything....I can't. HE can go back for seconds....I can't. HE can enjoy the all-you-can-eat buffet....I certainly can't. He's now amending his diet in little ways to be more supportive to my diet. We no longer go to restaurants that don't have lower fat options. We eat out a LOT, and are making different choices than we used to. If we cook at home, he eats whatever I choose to make, with no complaints. I now buy lower fat items of the things he used to eat, and if I happen to "need" an Oreo one day....it's a lower fat one that's in the cabinet.

Guys....you can't sit and devour an entire pizza while expecting your wife to eat salad with low fat dressing just so you can have a thinner wife. It's not fair at all. Get into the kitchen with her and decide what you can BOTH do to improve your diets. Maybe you can put some chicken in that salad, and both enjoy it for dinner. You won't die if you eat healthier, trust me. Think about what you're doing....or NOT doing....to support your wives. You can't expect them to eat *around* you and make a totally separate meal for themselves, while you gorge yourself on junk. I'm sure there are a few of you out there who would benefit a little from "helping" your wife succeed. :kk


Krystal i think you must be in the wrong thread - your thoughts are well said, on target, rationale and make sense.

[geko9191]

My wife is overweight and says that is the biggest reason that she doesn't want to have sex. I still find her attractive but it bothers her. I can't imagine why a guy would bring that up to his wife if size turns him off then shame on him.

[mark_66]

BRAVO Shiane...just BRAVO....
I have a thyroid condition and it makes it very hard to lose weight..although I have..the way some people look at me..just really hurts...
It doesnt seem to matter how much Synthroid they give me...my thyroid just wont do its job!!!


I also have a thyroid condition, under active thyroid specifically. So i also take the meds and they work fine for me - taking anything over 2 grains inidciates other medical issues since 2 grains is the total replacement of the thyroid function. Means the thyroid in my case has simpy quit working if your taking more then you might want to consider going to a specialist or another doctor for a second opinion.

[mark_66]

Apparently your mother never taught you "if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all" but mine did. Enough said!:)


No your absolutely correct - my parents placed greater value on things like honesty, truthfulness, duty, honor, country and responsibility. Had no use for folks who stood on the sidelines saying nothing to be polite.

[majorfun]

I think when you go into a relationship you have certain expectation...One of those expectation is weight management. I would not agree with your husband comments but one of your questions was why do man do that. We are extremely shallow and thoughtless at times. I spend quite a bit of time working on my body but I try to avoid the weight discussion at all cost unless I am extremely upset and looking for a very low blow...But normally it causes more problems than it is worth.. My recommendation would be to address the issue immediately and tell him you will not tolerate him talking about your weight.. Tell him it hurts your feelings and it is not appropriate to mistreat someone you claim to love.

[ldon]

fat chicks rule.

[Soffie]

No your absolutely correct - my parents placed greater value on things like honesty, truthfulness, duty, honor, country and responsibility. Had no use for folks who stood on the sidelines saying nothing to be polite.

I would like to say one thing only-I do not always sit on the sidelines saying nothing to be polite. Many times I have gotten myself into trouble by saying more than I should. Truce, ok Mark? We are on this site to have fun and flirt not to argue. I get a little hot under the collar about the injustices (all of them) when people are mistreated and criticized for something that is not always their fault by people that don't always realize how hurtful the things they say can be!:))):

[Thumpintwin]

I get the feeling I'm an odd person here. I can't imagine an argument with name calling or insults. In all of the marrital troubles I've had, I've never used insults or name calling. My wife tried that once, I simply told her if she ever did it again I was walking out the door. We can disagree, we can be angry, but I will not tolerate inuslts or physical outbursts. They serve no purpose and only make things worse.

That said, I won't shy away from answering the dreaded "does this make me look fat?" question truthfully (but in what I hope is not a demeaning way). Everything I like to do is active from backpacking to hunting to motorcycles. It's difficult to have fun at those activities if your overweight. It was also a symptom of depression in my case, so when we talk about weight, those are the things that come to mind. Not pleasant thoughts.

It's not really about weight, it's about how are you treating yourself. Someone on this site once posted 'How you treat yourself trains others how to treat you'. Or something very close to that. From a previous post you made, looks like you're doing all the right things, so I don't understand how someone can cricisize you. Good luck, it's a long road, and look into the M&F "Get Fit" social group, you'll get all the encouragement and support in the world in there.

[Soffie]

I get the feeling I'm an odd person here. I can't imagine an argument with name calling or insults. In all of the marrital troubles I've had, I've never used insults or name calling. My wife tried that once, I simply told her if she ever did it again I was walking out the door. We can disagree, we can be angry, but I will not tolerate inuslts or physical outbursts. They serve no purpose and only make things worse.

That said, I won't shy away from answering the dreaded "does this make me look fat?" question truthfully (but in what I hope is not a demeaning way). Everything I like to do is active from backpacking to hunting to motorcycles. It's difficult to have fun at those activities if your overweight. It was also a symptom of depression in my case, so when we talk about weight, those are the things that come to mind. Not pleasant thoughts.

It's not really about weight, it's about how are you treating yourself. Someone on this site once posted 'How you treat yourself trains others how to treat you'. Or something very close to that. From a previous post you made, looks like you're doing all the right things, so I don't understand how someone can cricisize you. Good luck, it's a long road, and look into the M&F "Get Fit" social group, you'll get all the encouragement and support in the world in there.
Very well said! Thank you!:thankyou:

[stellabelle]

I started to spend hours here reading everything...as a full figured woman, I just have to say...we know...we know what we look like, we know how to lose weight, we know how our metabolisms work, etc. etc...

Everything has been said over and over again. Just because we carry weight, does not mean we lack a brain. Ignorance is truly bliss. So to whoever is critical of overweight woman or men, walk a mile in our shoes. Then you'll know. People are cruel. I'm just fortunate enough to have had a mother who taught me, above all else, to be a very strong, independent woman and ALWAYS carry my head held high. For that, people noticed me as a person first and my weight second.

It doesn't matter if your a man or a woman, had babies or didn't, had a weight problem your entire life, like I have. Critics should learn from the ignorance and be a better all around person. You life will be richer for it.

[Soffie]

I started to spend hours here reading everything...as a full figured woman, I just have to say...we know...we know what we look like, we know how to lose weight, we know how our metabolisms work, etc. etc...

Everything has been said over and over again. Just because we carry weight, does not mean we lack a brain. Ignorance is truly bliss. So to whoever is critical of overweight woman or men, walk a mile in our shoes. Then you'll know. People are cruel. I'm just fortunate enough to have had a mother who taught me, above all else, to be a very strong, independent woman and ALWAYS carry my head held high. For that, people noticed me as a person first and my weight second.

It doesn't matter if your a man or a woman, had babies or didn't, had a weight problem your entire life, like I have. Critics should learn from the ignorance and be a better all around person. You life will be richer for it.
Thank you, Stellabelle! From someone who has been full-figured her whole life I know where you are coming from! I have been watching my weight (go up and down) for the last 42 of my nearly 52 years. That's right, my doctor put me on my first diet at the age of 10! It was tough but I survived. I think now, after my second time with Weight Watchers, I have finally learned how my body and I can finally get along! Eat healthy, go to the gym and splurge once in a while! Not every day! Have a nice night and weekend, neighbor! :wa:

[icylady125]

I too have always had a weight problem.........but lately i have heard "IT'S ON THE INSIDE THAT REALLY COUNTS".........

[Soffie]

I too have always had a weight problem.........but lately i have heard "IT'S ON THE INSIDE THAT REALLY COUNTS".........

If only people really thought that way!:))): I was taught the same thing but people can be so judgmental!

[Kissie]

If only people really thought that way!:))): I was taught the same thing but people can be so judgmental!



You are so right!!!!!

[Denny422]

This one really hits me where I live. I will ask that you read the whole post before deciding I’m just a shallow pig and moving on.

My wife knew when we married that this was an important issue to me. NOT just because of looks, but because of all the health issues and the limitations it would place on things we liked to do together. One of the things I found so attractive about her was that she had been huge before we met, and had decided on her own to fix it and keep it that way. It was obviously important to her as well. I’ll state that my preference is not really skinny bodies. I actually prefer a woman with a fuller body, so I’ve never demanded or even wanted “perfection”.

As the kids were born and she put on weight that she didn’t take back off, it came up in discussion. NOT just by me, and I wasn’t the first one who brought it up. She would talk about doing something about it, and she certainly knew exactly what to do since she had done it before, but would never stick with it.

It’s now more than 20 years later, so it’s pretty easy to see I don’t love her only if she’s thin. What has hurt me so badly is that nothing I have done has ever been able to get her to deal with this issue, even though it is aggravating several other medical issues for her. The worst part is that it has become a “taboo” where it can’t even be approached, much less discussed realistically. I have to admit that a couple of times (and I mean that literally) I have brought it up in a less than loving manner in an argument, but both times it was in RESPONSE to an equally low blow dealt first. That doesn’t excuse it, but there it is. Other than the times I was provoked, I have NEVER, and would not ever, intentionally use that as a weapon to hurt her.

We know that she CAN lose the weight, because a few times she has tried for a short period and lost some, then just quit working on it. I have tried absolutely everything to try and be supportive. Encouraging her, making a point of saying something about it when I see her working or making progress, NOT saying anything and just leaving her to it, putting money aside for a whole new wardrobe once she loses it, etc. I’ve agreed to eat whatever she needs to if she wants to change her diet, and you have to know me to fully comprehend the magnitude of THAT statement! My ability to put away massive amounts of food for someone my size is absolutely legendary. I have been willing to do WHATEVER it takes to get her back to a more healthy size.

Our sex life has not really been affected by this; other than some obvious limitations that come with this problem. I’m sorry, yes, the weight CAN get in the way. And yes, I am a male, the aesthetics DO make SOME difference. Again, after 20 years, I hope I can say that without looking totally shallow. I don’t love her less, I’m just hurt that she doesn’t care enough to even discuss an issue that is so important to me. No, important to US, because it affects our whole family.

HLW, I can only say that I feel for you in your situation. I told this INCREDIBLY long story so you will see I understand what it is to be in his shoes, but if you’re telling us the whole story, his conduct is TOTALLY unacceptable. Just like any other issue in a marriage, I think he should have the right to DISCUSS it with you. That doesn’t give him license to hurt or degrade you. And it certainly shouldn’t make him love you any less.

And if he EVER dares to strike you again, call the police, then his First Sergeant or whatever the equivalent is in your branch of the service. There is NO excuse, NONE, for a man to strike a woman. EVER. Put him in jail so that you are safe, and let the legal system sort him out. There are NO “second chances” on that one. The next “lost temper” incident could be fatal. The call to his First Sergeant will ensure he gets the counseling he needs. If you still want to try and work it out with him after he gets out, that’s up to you, but leave absolutely NO doubt in his mind that you will NOT tolerate physical abuse. Sorry, this is a real ‘hot button’ for me.

[Soffie]

This one really hits me where I live. I will ask that you read the whole post before deciding I’m just a shallow pig and moving on.

My wife knew when we married that this was an important issue to me. NOT just because of looks, but because of all the health issues and the limitations it would place on things we liked to do together. One of the things I found so attractive about her was that she had been huge before we met, and had decided on her own to fix it and keep it that way. It was obviously important to her as well. I’ll state that my preference is not really skinny bodies. I actually prefer a woman with a fuller body, so I’ve never demanded or even wanted “perfection”.

As the kids were born and she put on weight that she didn’t take back off, it came up in discussion. NOT just by me, and I wasn’t the first one who brought it up. She would talk about doing something about it, and she certainly knew exactly what to do since she had done it before, but would never stick with it.

It’s now more than 20 years later, so it’s pretty easy to see I don’t love her only if she’s thin. What has hurt me so badly is that nothing I have done has ever been able to get her to deal with this issue, even though it is aggravating several other medical issues for her. The worst part is that it has become a “taboo” where it can’t even be approached, much less discussed realistically. I have to admit that a couple of times (and I mean that literally) I have brought it up in a less than loving manner in an argument, but both times it was in RESPONSE to an equally low blow dealt first. That doesn’t excuse it, but there it is. Other than the times I was provoked, I have NEVER, and would not ever, intentionally use that as a weapon to hurt her.

We know that she CAN lose the weight, because a few times she has tried for a short period and lost some, then just quit working on it. I have tried absolutely everything to try and be supportive. Encouraging her, making a point of saying something about it when I see her working or making progress, NOT saying anything and just leaving her to it, putting money aside for a whole new wardrobe once she loses it, etc. I’ve agreed to eat whatever she needs to if she wants to change her diet, and you have to know me to fully comprehend the magnitude of THAT statement! My ability to put away massive amounts of food for someone my size is absolutely legendary. I have been willing to do WHATEVER it takes to get her back to a more healthy size.

Our sex life has not really been affected by this; other than some obvious limitations that come with this problem. I’m sorry, yes, the weight CAN get in the way. And yes, I am a male, the aesthetics DO make SOME difference. Again, after 20 years, I hope I can say that without looking totally shallow. I don’t love her less, I’m just hurt that she doesn’t care enough to even discuss an issue that is so important to me. No, important to US, because it affects our whole family.

HLW, I can only say that I feel for you in your situation. I told this INCREDIBLY long story so you will see I understand what it is to be in his shoes, but if you’re telling us the whole story, his conduct is TOTALLY unacceptable. Just like any other issue in a marriage, I think he should have the right to DISCUSS it with you. That doesn’t give him license to hurt or degrade you. And it certainly shouldn’t make him love you any less.

And if he EVER dares to strike you again, call the police, then his First Sergeant or whatever the equivalent is in your branch of the service. There is NO excuse, NONE, for a man to strike a woman. EVER. Put him in jail so that you are safe, and let the legal system sort him out. There are NO “second chances” on that one. The next “lost temper” incident could be fatal. The call to his First Sergeant will ensure he gets the counseling he needs. If you still want to try and work it out with him after he gets out, that’s up to you, but leave absolutely NO doubt in his mind that you will NOT tolerate physical abuse. Sorry, this is a real ‘hot button’ for me.

Denny, you are a true gem and a gentleman! Thank you for sharing your thoughts! She should not have to put up with his PTST as an excuse for slapping her around. He was not at war with HER! He needs to learn to separate the two. :hug:

[Frenchie_lady]

Denny, I just want to add that its not loosing the weight, its keeping it off that is hard and depressing. Its an endless battle. Imagine that for a minute ok? ENDLESS, no respise, no vacation...

I will say it again, weight is just a symptom, not the problem.

[Denny422]

Denny, I just want to add that its not loosing the weight, its keeping it off that is hard and depressing. Its an endless battle. Imagine that for a minute ok? ENDLESS, no respise, no vacation...

I will say it again, weight is just a symptom, not the problem.

Believe me Dragon Lady, I know. What has me so hurt and angry is that she won't even try. It's not like I harp on it, I have gone years without saying anything at times. And as I said, I'm not asking for her to be perfect, just healthier.

And this is NOT a double standard either! I have always tried to keep in shape by running or biking or whatever, and did pretty well up until 3 years ago. At that time, I was only about 15 pounds heavier than when we married. Since I was 5'8" and 135 pounds with a 28 waist and 36 inseam, most people thought I had needed at least half that 15 pounds anyway.

Then I started this surveillance work, and now all I do is sit in a car all day every day and eat fast food all the time. So I'm up to about 165. Still not gross, but I can get a pretty good handle at the waist and it REALLY bothers me. I am already taking steps to deal with it, but yeah, I know it's not easy.

I can't really agree that her weight is a symptom, not a problem. I've watched it come on, and I've watched her habits change, and I have watched the result. We communicate pretty well on everything else, and I've looked for other problems. They just don't seem to be there.

She's gonna have to do something soon. It's starting to affect her health in other ways much more drastically.

[GeekMaster]

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

All the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself, adds no quality to the coffee in most cases, just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.

What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups...and then began eyeing each other's cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee, and the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us."

God brews the coffee, not the cups..........enjoy your coffee

[Frenchie_lady]

Believe me Dragon Lady, I know. What has me so hurt and angry is that she won't even try. It's not like I harp on it, I have gone years without saying anything at times. And as I said, I'm not asking for her to be perfect, just healthier.

And this is NOT a double standard either! I have always tried to keep in shape by running or biking or whatever, and did pretty well up until 3 years ago. At that time, I was only about 15 pounds heavier than when we married. Since I was 5'8" and 135 pounds with a 28 waist and 36 inseam, most people thought I had needed at least half that 15 pounds anyway.

Then I started this surveillance work, and now all I do is sit in a car all day every day and eat fast food all the time. So I'm up to about 165. Still not gross, but I can get a pretty good handle at the waist and it REALLY bothers me. I am already taking steps to deal with it, but yeah, I know it's not easy.

I can't really agree that her weight is a symptom, not a problem. I've watched it come on, and I've watched her habits change, and I have watched the result. We communicate pretty well on everything else, and I've looked for other problems. They just don't seem to be there.

She's gonna have to do something soon. It's starting to affect her health in other ways much more drastically.

In no way was I implying that your motivation was not honourable, and if you felt i was bashing you, i'm truly sorry, it was not my intention.

Health problems are no laughing matter, but ultimately, its her choice, her call. No one can want this but her, i'm sure you have found that out over the 20 years you have spent with her. The task must seem very big and difficult to her.

On another note... I think that the use of words like "gross" to describ someone's appearance in respect of weight is very offensive to me. But i'm sure you didn't use it in an offensive way, i'm just very sensitive about it all.

This is a debate that hits home for many, and when that happens, we get very touchy.

Good luck!

[Denny422]

In no way was I implying that your motivation was not honourable, and if you felt i was bashing you, i'm truly sorry, it was not my intention.

Health problems are no laughing matter, but ultimately, its her choice, her call. No one can want this but her, i'm sure you have found that out over the 20 years you have spent with her. The task must seem very big and difficult to her.

On another note... I think that the use of words like "gross" to describ someone's appearance in respect of weight is very offensive to me. But i'm sure you didn't use it in an offensive way, i'm just very sensitive about it all.

This is a debate that hits home for many, and when that happens, we get very touchy.

Good luck!

No offense perceived whatsoever.

I'm sorry you took offense at my use of the "g" word. Notice, however, that I was referring to myself. I REALLY don't like feeling this way, and TO ME, I will be if I put on much more. Quite honestly, If I'm dressed and standing, I don't even really look heavy, but I'm not used to being able to grab a handful of me at the waist and I'm not planning on staying that way! That was simply my internal opinion of my OWN body. Me appraising ME by my own (rather high) PERSONAL standards. I would NEVER refer to anyone else that way, and honestly never really think in those terms when I look at OTHER people.

The only reason I do with her is because it has a direct bearing on me, our relationship, and our family.

[MCat]

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

All the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself, adds no quality to the coffee in most cases, just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.

What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups...and then began eyeing each other's cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee, and the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us."

God brews the coffee, not the cups..........enjoy your coffee

If I were a coffee cup, I would be the creamy white ironstone cup with the aqua inside like my grandfather used to use. That cup was sturdy, kept the coffee hot, and when you put your lips on the rim, you already knew what was to come was gonna be tasty.

Geekster this was a wonderful post......way to go.

[Bandit]

After I had my babies I was a few sizes larger than what I was when I was married....the hubby stopped sex with me and then finally told me after a few years of looking elsewhere that my stomach got in the way and it was disgusting.....

So, I guess my question is....do other wives get this treatment? And men, WHY?!?!

OUCH! What a caveman he must be!

[Bandit]

Its not just the women who put on the weight...... 99% of the males once they are married put on weight....

What's the point of getting married if you can't let yourself go? :drink:

[Zarret]

Denny, I just want to add that its not loosing the weight, its keeping it off that is hard and depressing. Its an endless battle. Imagine that for a minute ok? ENDLESS, no respise, no vacation...

I will say it again, weight is just a symptom, not the problem.

Believe me Dragon Lady, I know. What has me so hurt and angry is that she won't even try. It's not like I harp on it, I have gone years without saying anything at times. And as I said, I'm not asking for her to be perfect, just healthier.

And this is NOT a double standard either! I have always tried to keep in shape by running or biking or whatever, and did pretty well up until 3 years ago. At that time, I was only about 15 pounds heavier than when we married. Since I was 5'8" and 135 pounds with a 28 waist and 36 inseam, most people thought I had needed at least half that 15 pounds anyway.

Then I started this surveillance work, and now all I do is sit in a car all day every day and eat fast food all the time. So I'm up to about 165. Still not gross, but I can get a pretty good handle at the waist and it REALLY bothers me. I am already taking steps to deal with it, but yeah, I know it's not easy.

I can't really agree that her weight is a symptom, not a problem. I've watched it come on, and I've watched her habits change, and I have watched the result. We communicate pretty well on everything else, and I've looked for other problems. They just don't seem to be there.

She's gonna have to do something soon. It's starting to affect her health in other ways much more drastically.

Lady you are so right. It is a lifetime commitment. I have to be aware of everything I eat and how much exercise I get and will for the rest of my life.

Denny, you are correct about the health issues. When you become too overweight it isn't a matter of "if" it will have an effect on your health it is a matter of "when". It's a lot to ask our organs and skeleton to carry so much weight for so many years. And obesity does have an impact on the whole family.

Usually when a person can't and seemingly won't stay on a weight loss program it's because of despair. It seems like such a long haul and moves so slow and is discouraging. It's too bad you can slip in a suggestion about going to a bariatric program. They don't have to involve surgery. Today they are aggressive and well supervised and allow for a quicker weight loss and an awesome program for afterwards.

Good luck honey :hug:

[duanehofner]

After I had my babies I was a few sizes larger than what I was when I was married....the hubby stopped sex with me and then finally told me after a few years of looking elsewhere that my stomach got in the way and it was disgusting.....

So, I guess my question is....do other wives get this treatment? And men, WHY?!?!


The probable truth of the matter is he's having trouble staying up, and like most male egos wants to blame you rather than change himself to put back the excitement he once had with you.

[DK44]

I love a woman with a little something extra.. After all, I'm no Calvin Klein model.... :)

[Intensive]

The probable truth of the matter is he's having trouble staying up, and like most male egos wants to blame you rather than change himself to put back the excitement he once had with you.

That is likely the case, just sounds like a pig!

[forcedtolook]

Its not about the size, but how the woman carries her size. As long as she is shapely, even if large, dresses well, takes care of herself, who cares how much she weighs or what size she is. I have seen some size 12-14-16 women who are hotter than hell. I personally like rubansesque women, mmmmmm.

[fly]

The probable truth of the matter is he's having trouble staying up, and like most male egos wants to blame you rather than change himself to put back the excitement he once had with you.

WOW...........that thought never even occurred to me.
Thank you!!!

[DawnMarie101]

I was a chubby child, who then turned into a very lanky teenager, who then turned into a well curved mommy to be, who then turned into a harried run yourself ragged mini van mom, Finally to bloom into what I am now, a woman with my own shape and size that I am very proud of. We are all human with our different shapes and sizes, if he wants to critisize your shape or size, maybe its time to take a look at his shape and size???

[redcat]

Lady you are so right. It is a lifetime commitment. I have to be aware of everything I eat and how much exercise I get and will for the rest of my life.

Denny, you are correct about the health issues. When you become too overweight it isn't a matter of "if" it will have an effect on your health it is a matter of "when". It's a lot to ask our organs and skeleton to carry so much weight for so many years. And obesity does have an impact on the whole family.

Usually when a person can't and seemingly won't stay on a weight loss program it's because of despair. It seems like such a long haul and moves so slow and is discouraging. It's too bad you can slip in a suggestion about going to a bariatric program. They don't have to involve surgery. Today they are aggressive and well supervised and allow for a quicker weight loss and an awesome program for afterwards.

Good luck honey :hug:

I've often said that people who have never had to battle a weight problem don't truly understand. The person who is addicted to alcohol or drugs can survive without them (i'm speaking literally, not making light of the addiction and what it does) but no one can survive without food and we are all bombarded with images of it daily. This is made even worse when you share you life with an enabler.

[MarriedQt]

My husband always tells me how good I look even though I know i'm bigger than I was before I had a baby.

[WandaRing]

I don't believe that there is a perfect size or shape that everyone fits into. I was up to 150 lbs, the clothes (sizes 12-16) were easy to get but I didn't have a body shape. Now after eating RIGHT, and working out, I am down to 120 lbs, I am starting to get a shapely body...(muscles are getting bigger), I cant find the clothes to wear (2-4). It sucks!...now people are also telling me to eat more...I know my trainer has me at my perfect body mass, I am dead centre so I am not underweight nor over weight.

You can't always win, people will always try to fit you into what they want you to be...you just have to learn to be you...a healthy you, whatever you choose that to be...:lf

[celtichazel]

poeple say hateful things when they are in a hateful moment......and you can't own other peoples hate. sounds like he makes himself feel better by making you feel worse, that is an ugly pattern. i am so lucky in my marriage, we married to join our lives and souls, not monitor any waistbands ( or hair lines , ha ha).
stay strong and true to yourself!!!

[Shiane]

I find myself going to work and feeling completely and totally pissed off! I see people, mostly women who are overweight having gastric bypass surgery or the lap band surgery to lose weight.

Granted, for some they do need to have the surgery. You guys just have no idea at the things I see each and everyday! You can't even imagine the problems I see with these surgeries. People with lap bands coming back with abscesses, severe infections, slipped bands, food boluses stuck. Bowel obstructions, dead bowels, punctured bowels, bleeding problems, severe malnutrition, adhesions, silastic band erosions. I know much of this means nothing to those who don't have a medical back ground.
I don't mean just immediately post operative, I mean years down the road, even 10 years down the road!

People just hear skinny, and nothing else sinks in. Of course the doctors don't care, they just want your money. Sad to say it but I do believe this because I see it. I am in awe at how many needless surgeries are performed just because the people have cash and the doc is willing to do it. Many insurance companies will not cover this surgery, so many people save up $30,000.00 cash to have the surgery.

I see them doing gastric bypasses on people who aren't morbidly obese. I remember a few years ago gastric bypass was only for those people who were very morbidly obese, you know 400-800lbs. At that point yes, something needs to be done. I see them doing gastric bypasses on people who weigh less than 250lbs. OMG it just freakin blows my mind.

These lap band surgeries, ooh yeah its a temporary solution. The lap band has problems too. Many of the bands are defective, they don't inflate properly and it causes them to slip or turn. Sometimes they slip all on their own. The band then grinds away at the stomach until it looks like ground hamburger meat. It is horribly painful and most times the bands have to be removed. Many people are going the cheap route and go to Mexico to have the surgery done. Oh yeah thats smart, I just wish they could see how many come in to have the problems fixed. Turns out they are out a whole lot more money anyway.

These surgeries are laprascopically done, they make 5 -7 holes in your stomach fill it full of air and use a camera and long tools to do the surgery. It's like painting your fingernails blindfolded. Many times it is done with ease, unfortunately that is not always the case. Bowels get punctured and fecal matter oozes out into places it shouldn't. Livers get punctured, and the liver bleeds very badly when punctured. Bands get sewn to the esophagus and the holes get ripped, trust me that isn't a good thing.

Every person who is thinking about this type of surgery needs to realize that this is not an in and out one time only thing. I rarely hear of people who have never had a problem. I have seen people starve because they simply can't absorb nutrients, and the surgery reversal was not successful. Ask the 30 yr old woman with 3 kids who weighed 60lbs if the surgery was worth it, yep she lost weight, and she lost her life. I know what she said I took care of her, she regretted it. Too bad so sad, she died, and left behind 3 kids. It just infuriates me to no end!

Not only do people go through a lot of pain and risk serious complications, but one more thing most people don't know is that these surgeries can't be guaranteed to keep you skinny forever. Many people actually gain the weight back, even with gastric bypass. Lap bands can't stay in forever so the inevitable of gaining weight back is pretty much guaranteed. Of course it's fairly new, and you won't hear any bariatric doctor tell you that.

Just about every nurse I work with feels the same way I do, not a single one of them would ever have this surgery, nor would they ever recommend it to anyone they knew.

I've been a nurse for a long time, and I've been working at this place for about 3 months. I have never been called to court, but I can tell you that within the last 3 months I know of 5 patients who will contact a lawyer. That is a small number because the doctors are really good at bullshitting people into thinking it isn't their fault. People's admitting diagnosis should be complications of previous surgery, but instead the doc calls it something else so it doesn't actually look like it was a complication from surgery. Scary to think that the nurses think the complication return rate is about 80%, the doctor sure wouldn't tell you that. Ain't that just farkin great, I don't have a choice in who I take care of. But, they had a choice whether to have these surgeries or not. It really scares me to think I'm most likely to end up in court because I took care of some of these people.

I have been contacted by a couple of people who wanted information about these type of surgeries. It is for that reason that I posted this. I don't know how many people out there are thinking about this or know someone who is. It is up to you whether you decide to go through with this type of surgery or not. I just think that people need to realize that there are a lot of complications and they do happen all too frequently. It isn't a bed of roses and you better be willing to accept the consequences for your choices.

[Tndream]

You know.. I always blame mens magazines for this nonsense.
They put these skinny broads on the covers of magazines, stretch her legs, darken her lips, make her boobs bigger, etc.
And then they plaster it all over the covers that this is what is acceptable and beautiful.

After a lifetime of seeing this, we women have set incredibly impossible standards for ourselves.

I would rather be overweight, because I am happy with who I am on the inside.
I am comfortable for the most part in my own skin, with what i believe in and what i stand for.

I wouldn't want to have plastic surgery.
after a while you have to have it redone to touch up the effects of time.
eventually you wind up looking like a picasso when he was depressed or drank too much cafine.
your now old, bitter and alone.
the one you had the surgery done for is long gone.

no thanks, I would rather be overweight and real than be made of plastic and silicone.

[helloscooter]

I would think that if you love somebody it doesn't matter if they gain weight or whatever. If that is brought up in an argument, it probably means that there are other issues and the person is not brave or strong enough to bring them up. I would never say something like that in an argument.

[Ottoman]

I wonder if "he' has looked in the mirror lately?
Luckily women are kinder and men a little less sensitive but my wife could have a
real hayday getting back at me by pointing out my spare tire, love handles, wrinkles,
gray hairs, receding hairline..........I better stop. She may read this and get some ideas.

[sweetnspicy]

He's a dick head. I think there are about a 1000 different ways to deal with this and this ain't one of them. I don't think hurting someone feelings is the right way to go about making a point.


Exactly...

[txguy78]

Heart...you've heard my feelings but I will reiterate for the good of the thread :) The guy's an asshat...and/or many other names that I could go into.

First of all I have never mentioned weight to any woman I've ever met! Not, past girlfriends, friends, wife, Mom, sister etc...its so damn disrespectful! Second I wouldn't mention it because I'm not exactly Arnold Schwarzenegger myself despite my best efforts, and sometimes lack thereof.

Finally, nobody deserves to be treated that way. I don't care if they're overweight, underweight, or anywhere in between. It's just not right.

[carchaser]

It's hard to be objective when you're being criticized.

There are a couple issues here.

The first is that lust wears off after the first year or two of marriage. What's left when it's gone? hopefully there's a real relationship. Either way, criticism has no place. Why did he marry you? For your looks? They'll fade eventually, no matter how hard you try. Til death doesn't mean until I'm not turned on.

The second thing is that he has issues. He doesn't respect you or your feelings. What kind of cretin would say that to someone he cared about?

P.S. IMHO, more is better than less!

[SkillfulMeans]

….After 2 kids the Mrs. is thin as ever but that’s how she’s genetically wired .She doesn’t do a thing for exercise or diet.. I’m athletic and live a very active life compared to her but I have put on a few post kid lbs and now and then she makes a comment about it and frankly its upsetting. This could explain why my fantasies often include Rubenesque / Voluptuous Women..

[carchaser]

women with no curves (especially butt!) should be able to qualify for handicapped status at the DMV!

[hrdbody]

Lets just say...I am not a size 2 anymore either...But am very lucky my hubby loves me for me...has no problem with my size!!!!!!
If your hubby has such a problem...maybe he should tactfully find away to help...mine has and I have lost 148 pounds and still have a few to go...but he was a BIG help!!!!

Congratulations, that's awesome. It is good that you have found a way to improve your health!

[hrdbody]

I think that people in general do not take good enough care of themselves. That includes both men and women. During the last year I put on 20lbs that I had worked very hard to take off before. I look back and am somewhat upset that my wife did not say something to me or urge me to gain control of my weight. Although I wouldn't call myself obese, the extra weight has significantly hurt my overall health and now I have the chore of losing it again.

I think spouse's should work together so that they each stay fit as well as their children. It's nothing more than good common sense.

As for this thread, I think the spouse should have approached it way differently. It should have been an approach of concern regarding her health rather than the selfish way he handled it. Although, I know this might not be popular, I think that each of us has a duty to try to keep up our appearances for our spouses to a certain degree. I am not saying that we need to go get plastic surgery or starve ourselves, but hopping on a treadmill or attempting to eat a little healthier is not too much to ask.

[gdg]

I think that people in general do not take good enough care of themselves. That includes both men and women. During the last year I put on 20lbs that I had worked very hard to take off before. I look back and am somewhat upset that my wife did not say something to me or urge me to gain control of my weight. Although I wouldn't call myself obese, the extra weight has significantly hurt my overall health and now I have the chore of losing it again.

I think spouse's should work together so that they each stay fit as well as their children. It's nothing more than good common sense.

As for this thread, I think the spouse should have approached it way differently. It should have been an approach of concern regarding her health rather than the selfish way he handled it. Although, I know this might not be popular, I think that each of us has a duty to try to keep up our appearances for our spouses to a certain degree. I am not saying that we need to go get plastic surgery or starve ourselves, but hopping on a treadmill or attempting to eat a little healthier is not too much to ask.

I agree, it requires sensitivity and support from both partners. A joint effort is cool too, even if the other person feels there is no room for improvement. Exercise together or give your partner the free time needed to exercise, suggest healthier eating out options.

It is no fun doing it alone but of course the benefits of the outcome are great.

[unctarheel_32]

I think that if ure hubby really loves you lonely wife that it wouldn't matter because he would love u for you regardless u know.

[john30]

i think plus size women are sexy

[airborne soldier]

A women who is comfortable with herself is very sexy.

[midnightcallerman]

I've never had a problem with plus sized women. I do have problems with women that think that they have to be ultra skinny in order to be attractive.

[mark_66]

I always have a problem with "Plus Size" people - they are not attracitive, they lack self-esteem, they lack motivation and blame everythng wrong i their lives on everyone else but themselves. Yes I know some of you will be offended but that simply is because it hit way to close to home.

[stellabelle]

LOL! I rest my case! Poor mark. You are so so wrong on this one. I suggest you open your eyes and pull your head out of the sand! You're missing so much, ask around! LOL...

I always have a problem with "Plus Size" people - they are not attracitive, they lack self-esteem, they lack motivation and blame everythng wrong i their lives on everyone else but themselves. Yes I know some of you will be offended but that simply is because it hit way to close to home.

[MSU]

LOL! I rest my case! Poor mark. You are so so wrong on this one. I suggest you open your eyes and pull your head out of the sand! You're missing so much, ask around! LOL...


STELLA!! RIGHT ON!!! Speaking as one who married a plus size woman (I was 20, she was 21), I've never been disappointed. Never cried, wishing I had married a size 2 or 4.......

And I'm so glad culture is slowly, BUT SURELY, understanding that there aren't many women like the ones they place on pedestals. Some people use the term "BBW" in either a wanton or raunchy way, but I believe it should always be an empowering term, that describes "all" of a woman, for many, many, many more fit that category than the one that saunters down a runway wearing a half-bag of burlap.

[Luna]

Lonely.. i hope you are getting the overwhelming message that there was/'is nothing wrong with you. I gained after having children too, and my husband did not saying quite as rude as you endured.. but he was always encouraging me to work out, join a gym, if i went for a walk, he would say "good for you!!!" and the message was clear that I was not the nymph he married. Since then, I did work most of the weight off.. but it was almost in spite of him, not "for" him. It caused a lot of resentment and hurt our relationship in a HUGE way.

Today, I know that it was his problem and not mine. I hope you understand that too!!

[MSU]

After I had my babies I was a few sizes larger than what I was when I was married....the hubby stopped sex with me and then finally told me after a few years of looking elsewhere that my stomach got in the way and it was disgusting.....

So, I guess my question is....do other wives get this treatment? And men, WHY?!?!

Heart, if you, head to toe, are as lovely as your face is, I'm sorry, but your husband has to be certfiably LOONEY not to see grace, beauty, and how lucky he really is. :)

[sassynsweet]

LOL! I rest my case! Poor mark. You are so so wrong on this one. I suggest you open your eyes and pull your head out of the sand! You're missing so much, ask around! LOL...
I don't think his head is in the sand.. i think it's up his..

oops. sorry. i'll be nice.

I've been thin.. then plus .. then thin.. then plus.. then thin.. then plus.. now i'm kinda plus minus.. lol I've never had health issues related to weight. I've never blamed problems on anyone .. and even if i did, I have NO CLUE how that could be weight related.. but ok ... Yep, I have to agree i have no self esteem regarding my physical appearance.. but that's more from people like YOU telling me I'm worthless than it is about ME. oh.. there i go blaming others.. oopsie. I DO however, have tons of self esteem in all other areas of my life. I'm am incredibly intelligent, have overcome things in my life you could never dream of getting through, have achieved likely more than you could imagine, and am incredibly proud of the person I am INside.. my heart, my caring nature, my sensitivity to others, my acceptance of people for who they are not what I think they should be, my wit, my humor, my ability to logically solve issues and my list is likely WAY longer than yours...

so pull your head out of your ... oops. there i go again. :sry

[crow_worc]

My wife has put on some weight since we were married. It does not make any difference to me. She wants to lose some weight. In my eyes she is still the same woman that I married. The guys that complain about their wife gaining weight...well....have the also put on some pounds. If you want to marry a figure...go get a mannequin!!!!

[Sneaky]

I always have a problem with "Plus Size" people - they are not attracitive, they lack self-esteem, they lack motivation and blame everythng wrong i their lives on everyone else but themselves. Yes I know some of you will be offended but that simply is because it hit way to close to home.
Wow. The ladies here are going to LOVE that Mark!

[Constance]

I always have a problem with "Plus Size" people - they are not attracitive, they lack self-esteem, they lack motivation and blame everythng wrong i their lives on everyone else but themselves. Yes I know some of you will be offended but that simply is because it hit way to close to home.


Wow, I am sorry you feel that way. Plus Size people have feelings to. I don't think they complain any more than skinny people or people in the middle. Sometimes it's how a person puts things that are mean spirted. All Plus Size people are not the same. You should not categorize all Plus Size people.

[MCat]

I always have a problem with "Plus Size" people - they are not attracitive, they lack self-esteem, they lack motivation and blame everythng wrong i their lives on everyone else but themselves. Yes I know some of you will be offended but that simply is because it hit way to close to home.


Oh my god !!! I'm not offended by your post Mark....I feel sorry for you.

Hope this is not an example of posts to come....dang.....

I am probably what YOU would consider a plus size woman. I am attractive, I have good self esteem, I am motivated and I don't blame others for my chocolate fetish. I love the taste of it....

And I noticed that you also made a couple spelling errors...you may wanna look into spell check for your own use.

[stellabelle]

Oh my god !!! I'm not offended by your post Mark....I feel sorry for you.

Hope this is not an example of posts to come....dang.....

I am probably what YOU would consider a plus size woman. I am attractive, I have good self esteem, I am motivated and I don't blame others for my chocolate fetish. I love taste of it....

And I noticed that you also made a couple spelling errors...you may wanna look into spell check for your own use.


LOL! You said it sister! LOL

[Jack Robinson]

After I had my babies I was a few sizes larger than what I was when I was married....the hubby stopped sex with me and then finally told me after a few years of looking elsewhere that my stomach got in the way and it was disgusting.....

So, I guess my question is....do other wives get this treatment? And men, WHY?!?!

WOW!! I hate to say this but your hubby sounds like a loser. You carried his children and he wants to complain about your size?? He sounds like a selfish jerk. My wife was full figured before we had children and then went from full figured to plus size, but she is still a beautiful woman. And even if I didn't think that, I still love and respect her enough to not say anything like that, ever. I've always been more attracted to the full figured/plus size ladies anyways. Curves = sexy IMHO. I'm sorry you have to deal with stuff like that.

[Will81NJ]

Interesting thread - truly amazing is how everyone has jumped on the bandwagon that hubby is simply a piece of shit, insenstive, cruel, etc etc etc. In the heat of an argument it certainly is not unusual for both parties to lose it and turn an argument in to combat with each drawing on the most hurtful weapons they can use to inflict pain.

That's an interesting theory. Here's another one: Maybe bringing up something as superficial and shallow as weight is not only hurtful, it's downright petty and cruel. I'm sick and tired of how much emphasis people put on weight, especially for women. Society expects women to maintain some ridiculous standard that is both unrealistic and, in my honest opinion, often very unattractive. I'll take a woman with some sexy curves and a great mind over a skinny stupid girl any day of the week, my friend. Regardless, society has made weight and body image such an important issue that to use it as a weapon like that is reprehensible! By calling a woman fat in an argument you are not just insulting her, you are devaluing her as a person. You are in essence saying, "regardless of your intelligence, your wit, your charm, your personality, or any other factors, the only thing I value is the shape of your body and it isn't good enough for me." You are telling her that she is nothing more than a physical object and then telling her that she is inadequate even as an object! You may think it's as simple as "drawing on the most hurtful weapons" but it's a lot more than that. If you condone that kind of mental abuse, you are saying that you agree to the dehumanizing of women. If you condone that, then brother, you don't deserve a good woman, fat, skinny, or otherwise.

[92115guy]

Hey there Heart...you and I have had this conversation before and there really isn't much more that I can add that hasn't already been spoken above. I simply cannot fathom treating someone that you supposedly love in that manner. It was mentioned above that it's simply about respect for you as a person, wife, lover, and mother and that is one of the truest statements in this thread. You have done nothing at all to deserve this treatment. You might have changed physically but you are still the same woman that he married. We all change physically...it just happens.

But I also think that the weight in this case is truly a secondary issue. It isn't about the weight because if it wasn't that then it would be something else that he complains about. If you love someone then you love them regardless of weight, cooking skills, bad hair, etc. You simply love them. And if you don't you simply move on. But you don't try to harm that person. It sounds like your husband, for whatever reason, is trying to rob you of your self-esteem. Maybe he's scared of you being home alone and finding someone else and he figures that if you think less of yourself then it won't happen. But that is pure speculation on my part and I really don't know why he's doing it. I do know that it is not right though.

james

[sweetnspicy]

must say i have to agree with James Heart........true love and respect doesnt depend on looks or outward appearance...true beauty comes from within...not what you see on the outide.....I use to worry about my weight too and my hubby always says to me i love you for whats inside....not the outside

you are a beautiful person, dont leg him drag you down....dont give him that power.

[bert_burt2000]

I think "plus size" women can be very sexy and attractive. No, not all of them are, but not all skinny women are sexy and attractive either.

I am thinking of a lady that I like a lot... and in ways my wife would not approve of! She is definitely in the plus size category. But she is so attractive to me that it hurts.

I have no problem with plus size... but like anyone else there needs to be that personality connection. If that special spark is in the relationship, "plus size" is just more of her to love.:lf

[tiger50]

this thread is a no brainer.. gimme a woman with a brain and curves...

[NotTooGirly]

I always have a problem with "Plus Size" people - they are not attracitive, they lack self-esteem, they lack motivation and blame everythng wrong i their lives on everyone else but themselves. Yes I know some of you will be offended but that simply is because it hit way to close to home.

I for one would like to thank Mark66 for his extremely useful post that tells me exactly what and whom to avoid (of course, I already knew, but a reminder now and again is refreshing). It's not often that I thank trolls in this manner, but I figured I could make an exception this one time, since Will already said so eloquently what I'd been thinking.

[pensive]

I always have a problem with "Plus Size" people - they are not attracitive, they lack self-esteem, they lack motivation and blame everythng wrong i their lives on everyone else but themselves. Yes I know some of you will be offended but that simply is because it hit way to close to home.

No your absolutely correct - my parents placed greater value on things like honesty, truthfulness, duty, honor, country and responsibility. Had no use for folks who stood on the sidelines saying nothing to be polite.

Apparently you need another lesson. Because there is nothing honorable about being purposely cruel and judgmental. There is nothing honorable in denigrating someone to make yourself feel better.

Aside from the fact that some of the healthiest people in the world are also the largest. (Look at the Pacific Islanders) There are other people who do everything they can to lose weight and still are bigger than average. I know you don't want to believe that. It is more comfortable to think that you are in control over everything. That way you can absolve yourself of feeling bad when you denigrate someone over something they may not be able to control. You think, it is OK to make porky feel bad... They should feel bad... they are glutinous and sinful and they should be made fun of so that they will do something about it.

Yep, I have fought bastards like you all my life. Protecting my little sister from physical torment and ridicule. While watching a third grader run miles and starve herself because insecure punks torment her in school. Thats right. Third grade little girls should be worried about barbies not dieting. The fact is some people are big.

It is fine that you do not prefer bigger women. Many men don't. But that does not give you an excuse to insult them. You see,there is no Honor in brutal honesty. Honor is caring for someone even when you think they don't deserve it. Honor is showing kindness when it is not returned. Honor is defending others when they are cannot defend themselves. Honor is a lot of things none of which you have shown in your posts.

[Guitar Strummer]

I keep banging the drum on this one. Confidence. Years back I was with a woman who had 30 pounds on me. She was big........She also owned the room when she walked in. Heads turned. She was beautiful. Not fantastic looking but, beautiful from the inside. she had confidence in herself, no ego, she was kind and open to everybody she met and they knew it. The beauty came from inside..from that confidence she had that she didn't care what anybody thought of her. She took care of herself but her weight was not an issue to her and that was fine. It showed in how she carried herself, the way she walked, right down to the way she tilted her head and smiled when she talked to you.

I guess the message I took from her was it doesn't matter if your big, not pretty, skinny, etc. As long as your friendly open and confident in you, you are beautiful, to others as well.

[Lacey]

[quote=mark_66;I always have a problem with "Plus Size" people - they are not attracitive, they lack self-esteem, they lack motivation and blame everythng wrong i their lives on everyone else but themselves. Yes I know some of you will be offended but that simply is because it hit way to close to home.[/quote]




Offended? I'm more on the disgusted side. I feel sorry for you.


Ohh, btw use spell check, it's free!

[Lacey]

Originally Posted by mark_66 http://www.marriedandflirtingchat.com/forums/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.marriedandflirtingchat.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1061540#post1061540)
No your absolutely correct - my parents placed greater value on things like honesty, truthfulness, duty, honor, country and responsibility. Had no use for folks who stood on the sidelines saying nothing to be polite.



But they didn't teach you considerateness, compassion or mutual respect. How sad....

[WhiteCloud]

that cant be a reason for having sex..

[Fate1234]

After I had my babies I was a few sizes larger than what I was when I was married....the hubby stopped sex with me and then finally told me after a few years of looking elsewhere that my stomach got in the way and it was disgusting.....

So, I guess my question is....do other wives get this treatment? And men, WHY?!?!

Heart, if you encountered this, then it is my thought that your husband is a complete a ss hole. I'm not really into the look of a woman, more her amount of passion and love she has for me. I;m sure you look sexy the way you are. my question for you is, do you think your sexy, if you don't why should anyone else.

[Brink]

I always have a problem with "Plus Size" people - they are not attracitive, they lack self-esteem, they lack motivation and blame everythng wrong i their lives on everyone else but themselves. Yes I know some of you will be offended but that simply is because it hit way to close to home.

I'd say you had a problem with "plus-sized" arrogance, and it is not attractive; you lack self-esteem, motivation, and blame everything wrong in your life on other people...anyone but yourself. Don't be offended if I make these assumptions, Mark, it seems perfectly fair using your standards.

[mark_66]

Lord I do love this thread - so easy to yank so many chains at one fell swoop. As I stated previousy it really is unimportant to me if you agree or not - its called an opinion and I stick wth mine on this topic. Don't like it who really cares? Certainly not I obviously.

[ldon]

Nothing wrong with plus sized women. I have seen many with absolutely beautiful faces and did wonder what they would look like if they lost some wieght. I've also seen some not so pretty woman with killer bodies. Either way, they were both desirable.

[torro1052]

i like big women, not morbid obese, but big thighs, big ass, hips thats a turn on
i dont mind if you lie on me wink:)

[torro1052]

btw,,,, any one know of a birth control pill that won't cause the weight gain????

[learman3]

I would hope that no one would ever get treated likes this. Nor should an man ever think it is the right thing to do.

[Psynge]

Well I'm glad to see that alot of us struggle with this. My wife gained weight and lost all her self confidence. I 'll admit I liked it better when she was thin, not so much for the look , but because she can't do much anymore, she's always out of breath, can't bend over easily, it's just not healthy. But I don't mention it to her, except if she brings it up. i try to gently encourage her to make a plan or something like that, but it's such a sensitive subject, it's almost impossible to bring up with out releasing the flood gates of emotions, so i don't.

But for a husband to withhold love or affection over weight gain is IMHO inexcusable.

[GeekMaster]

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

All the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself, adds no quality to the coffee in most cases, just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.

What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups...and then began eyeing each other's cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee, and the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us."

God brews the coffee, not the cups..........enjoy your coffee.

[leighm]

btw,,,, any one know of a birth control pill that won't cause the weight gain????


Yasmin is extremely good.

[desertbear7]

a plus size woman is as beautiful if not more then the stick models. The love is from within a person. And from within i'm talking about a womans soul. If you can touch that then it means she has touch yours as well.

We all must remember the good Lord never gives us more then we can handle... It saddens me to hear that your hubby would do something like that to you.. To hurt never helps it only hinders .

Just remember to love yourself first then no matter what , everything else will fall in place.


just one mans thought on the subject

[KindheartedWoman]

Wow, what a jerk! Sorry, that was my gut reaction. Men and women age and add pounds. There are sexual positions that does not involve belly to belly contact. If the marriage is intact otherwise, maybe both of you can diet and exercise together as partners.

[torro1052]

:sry

[torro1052]

i agree gd, overweight can sometimes be caused by medical probs, beyond the person's control

[chubbybutcute]

heart...sorry ur husband made u feel so poorly about ur weight.....I think the way u look does not define u as a person

.....when I married my husband 18 years ago I was in pretty good shape for a latin woman (most of us r blessed or cursed, whichever way u wanna see it with curves)...after 3 amazing kids my body completely changed, Im no longer a size 6 but throughout the years not once have my husband made me feel bad about my weight, he always manages to tell me how beautiful I look, guess Im lucky......but u should not let what anyone says, not even ur husband make u feel unworthy, I know its hard but remember beauty fades away with the years and then u r just left with who u r...and even know I dont know much about u, I can tell u r an amazing strong woman......and next time he tells u ur belly gets in the way...tell him that maybe his d'ck is just too small....lmao

good luck to u!!

[torro1052]

mmmmm i love latin women :)

[Big Sexy]

I have found that larger ladies are very sexy. They are very giving and aim to please.

[oscarlaveester]

i love plus size women! dont understand why women need tobe skinny. skin and bones yuk!