Previous joke thread

[Willy S]

mail

[Sandy]

bills

[Trev]

shock

[Willy S]

credit

[Sandy]

card

[Willy S]

jack (knave) of diamonds

[Sandy]

pearls

[Trev]

expensive

[Lena]

money

[Trev]

none

[Norfolkdave]

Your all honest Is it that hard...LOL

[Norfolkdave]

happy

[Lena]

delighted

[Norfolkdave]

pleased

[Trev]

women

[Trev]

we all have the dirty minds, its the setting that were in that decides whats going on in our minds

[Norfolkdave]

we all have the dirty minds, its the setting that were in that decides whats going on in our minds

Me Im as clean as a whistle????????:lmao

[Trev]

Me Im as clean as a whistle????????:lmao
:lmao :lmao :lmao

[Norfolkdave]

:lmao :lmao :lmao

You can hear my pea rattle if the wind is in the right direction:lmao

[Norfolkdave]

argumentative

[Lena]

nonsense

[Sandy]

men

[Willy S]

ecstacy

[Sandy]

:lmao :lmao :lmao

[Sandy]

happy

[Willy S]

blue sky

[Sandy]

sunny day

[Lena]

happy

[sex_kitten_4u]

heart

[Sandy]

bra

[Lena]

without

[Barkiss]

remove

[Lena]

naughty

[Barkiss]

but nice

[Lena]

right

[Barkiss]

left

[Willy S]

behind

[Barkiss]

ass

[Willy S]

donkey

[Barkiss]

democrat

[Trev]

union

[sex_kitten_4u]

work

[Lena]

hard

[sex_kitten_4u]

muscle

[yaser]

soft

[Sunfiresix]

sack

[sex_kitten_4u]

bed

[Lena]

cosy

[sex_kitten_4u]

snuggle

[Lena]

Lovely

[Trev]

Lena

[Lena]

Thanks!!!

[Trev]

giving

[pastryman]

oral

[Trev]

pleasure

[Norfolkdave]

:lmao :lmao :lmao

Youve heard " Whistle down the wind" thats me:lmao

[Norfolkdave]

growing

[Trev]

plants

[Lena]

flowers

[Norfolkdave]

life

[Trev]

death

[Barkiss]

finale

[Trev]

exam

[Barkiss]

test

[Trev]

study

[Lena]

books

[Barkiss]

worm

[Trev]

bait

[Barkiss]

hook

[Lena]

fishing

[Barkiss]

catching

[Trev]

cold

[Lena]

sneezing

[Barkiss]

tissue

[sex_kitten_4u]

hanky

[Trev]

snot

[Norfolkdave]

panky

[Lena]

silly

[sex_kitten_4u]

stupid

[Norfolkdave]

daft

[Trev]

challenged

[Barkiss]

competition

[Trev]

women

[Barkiss]

desire

[Trev]

need

[Wet Beaver]

have

[Barkiss]

want

[Trev]

sex

[Norfolkdave]

want want what!

[Barkiss]

Wb

[Norfolkdave]

Lol

[Trev]

funny

[Wet Beaver]

barkiss

[Norfolkdave]

woof woof love

[Barkiss]

puppy love

[Wet Beaver]

lust

[Lena]

hot

[Norfolkdave]

The Osbournes

[Wet Beaver]

puke

[Lena]

agree

[Norfolkdave]

disagree

[Wet Beaver]

nyet

[Norfolkdave]

eh nyet!

[Trev]

yes

[Norfolkdave]

ok

[Trev]

maybe

[Lena]

thinking

[Trev]

trying

[sex_kitten_4u]

doing

[Norfolkdave]

give it your best shot

[tiger50]

OK Corral

[Norfolkdave]

gunfighter

[Wet Beaver]

idoit

[Trev]

me

[Wet Beaver]

you

[sex_kitten_4u]

you

[Trev]

alone

[Barkiss]

together

[Wet Beaver]

solo

[Zpanther]

soprano

[Wet Beaver]

music

[sex_kitten_4u]

words

[tiger50]

OMG never gunna buy one of those american dunnies...
any way, lets go drinkin mate...

[Barkiss]

expressions

[Wet Beaver]

art

[Barkiss]

subjective

[Lena]

singing

[sex_kitten_4u]

love songs

[spare_change]

romance

[spare_change]

OMG never gunna buy one of those american dunnies...
any way, lets go drinkin mate...

it's the drinking, not the toilet, that got me hurt -- dang lid fell down. Cut my chin when I hit the bowl !

[sex_kitten_4u]

heart

[Lena]

valentine

[Barkiss]

chocolate

[sex_kitten_4u]

red

[Wet Beaver]

undies

[Barkiss]

edible

[Zpanther]

thongs

[gradof68]

uncomfortable

[Wet Beaver]

Bras

[gradof68]

restraint

[Wet Beaver]

gags

[sex_kitten_4u]

rope

[gradof68]

jokes

[Wet Beaver]

chains

[Lena]

secured

[gradof68]

snow

[Zpanther]

shovel

[Wet Beaver]

ice

[sex_kitten_4u]

fire

[Wet Beaver]

heat

[Norfolkdave]

tenner

[Wet Beaver]

doubble eagle

[Norfolkdave]

Careful, you got to be stronger than that how many shandies was it 2"?

[tiger50]

ah yess the dreaded shandy :lmao :lmao :lmao

[gradof68]

gold piece

[Wet Beaver]

coin

[Lena]

money

[Wet Beaver]

cash

[gradof68]

Maybe it should be forwarded to the ACLU for review. :lmao

[gradof68]

credit

[Wet Beaver]

broke

[Lena]

always

[Wet Beaver]

now

[gradof68]

later

[Lena]

when?

[Wet Beaver]

why

[Wet Beaver]

Maybe it should be forwarded to the ACLU for review. :lmao

someone started a mail a merry chrisrmas card to the aclu.....

[gradof68]

why not?

[Wet Beaver]

no

[gradof68]

oh :cry:

[Waltert]

nice

[Wet Beaver]

December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turnupside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message foranswering machine.
December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashioncat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee forconsideration.
December 7 Debug Windows '95
December 8 Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmadewith beeswax from my backyard bee colony.
December 9 Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and allinstrument accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and lovedones.
December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottledmyself. Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by handmaking snow and playing my Christmas album.
December 13 Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularlyfor decorative pie crusts.
December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in casetires are shot out at mall.
December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be sameheight when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugarto add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices andcinnamon sticks.
December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged inlast minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequatethan they really are.
December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented withhomemade potpourri.
December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 28 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 29 Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I weavedmyself used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local orphanages.
December 30 Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated witholive branches, to signify desire of world peace.
December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in eachtime zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

[Wet Beaver]

pretty

[Wet Beaver]

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think
about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social
deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of
Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they --with
amazing calm --call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping
spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You
might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my
husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour
decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a
woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake
up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,
still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.

First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead,
gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed,
desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack
would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa
DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he
would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then
refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there
would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like
Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also
need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and
get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a
perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with
all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest
as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

[Wet Beaver]

WE WROTE:
I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one
to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it...
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think
about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.

THE REBUTTAL:
And when does Santa deliver his presents? The Friday after
Thanksgiving when the malls are open for 20 hours? I don't
think so. Christmas Eve deliveries are irrefutable proof that
Mr. Claus is a man.


WE WROTE:
And a male Santa would inevitably have transportation problems
because he would get lost up there in the snow and clouds and
then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

THE REBUTTAL:
Santa uses a reindeer so drunk his nose is glowing as his
navigator. You think a woman would allow those cute deer
to work on Christmas Eve? In the cold? A female Claus would
dress those poor deer in sweaters and booties.


WE WROTE:
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

THE REBUTTAL:
When was the last time you saw a woman in a red velvet suit?
The fact Santa can ignore "fashion" and wear the same suit
for 500 years proves he couldn't possibly be a woman.


WE WROTE:
- Men don't answer their mail. (Except email of course)

THE REBUTTAL:
And when was the last time Santa answered a letter?
Like, never.


WE WROTE:
- Men aren't interested in stockings UNLESS somebody's
wearing them.

THE REBUTTAL:
And women aren't interested in stockings unless someone
better looking than them is wearing them.


WE WROTE:
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit
their ability to pick up babes.

THE REBUTTAL:
As many presents as Santa delivers he has no trouble
with babes. It's amazing how grateful a woman is when
you deliver a nice diamond solitaire or electric socks.


WE WROTE:
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require
a commitment

THE REBUTTAL:
And also requires the ability to stay up for 24 hours
straight in the cold with a bunch of mangy deer and going
up and down soot infested chimneys. You think a woman would
go down a chimney and risk staining that red velvet? Of
course not. Commitment also requires that Christmas is the
same day each year.
With a female Santa, Christmas would be late because she'd
have to touch-up her makeup and do her hair after leaving
each house. Let's face it, Santa Claus is, and always
has been, a guy.

[Wet Beaver]

http://www.jingleshells.com/flash_content/flash_content.html

[Sandy]

beautiful

[Wet Beaver]

lovely

[Sandy]

:lmao :lmao

[Sandy]

woman

[Wet Beaver]

sexy

[Sandy]

sassy

[sweetgapeach]

spark

[Sandy]

shine

[skybird]

boobs

[Lena]

body

[sweetgapeach]

bare

[Zpanther]

bare

nude

[Wet Beaver]

cage

[Trev]

trapped

[skybird]

Help!

[Wet Beaver]

begging

[Zpanther]

Help!

helpless

[Wet Beaver]

helpless

just the way i like ya...

[Zpanther]

defenseless

[skybird]

Hurt

[Trev]

pain

[gradof68]

love

[Wet Beaver]

sado

[gradof68]

http://www.jingleshells.com/flash_content/flash_content.html


You have outdone yourself on this one. Has to be the best of the best!

[Wet Beaver]

You have outdone yourself on this one. Has to be the best of the best!

repost...it is under post you x-mas jokes :na

[gradof68]

cheer

[Trev]

support

[sweetgapeach]

Bra

[surfnchat]

nipples

[Zpanther]

ripe

[italian_princess0420]

fruit

[Wet Beaver]

balls??

[Barkiss]

blue

[Trev]

sky

[Barkiss]

clouds

[Krazi0469]

Snow

[Barkiss]

sledding

[Krazi0469]

raindeers (dont ask)

[Trev]

christmas

[Barkiss]

presents

[Trev]

surprises

[Krazi0469]

sunrise

[Trev]

waking

[Barkiss]

morning sex

[Trev]

great day

[Barkiss]

better night

[Trev]

sleepless

[Krazi0469]

a good night sleep

[Trev]

rest

[Barkiss]

energy

[Trev]

ready

[Barkiss]

hottub?

[Trev]

relaxing

[Krazi0469]

steamy

[Barkiss]

erotic

[Sandy]

toys

[Barkiss]

playing

[Sandy]

tease

[Barkiss]

all women

[Trev]

steamy

[Sandy]

sex

[Trev]

fun

[Barkiss]

enjoyable

[Trev]

women

[Barkiss]

frustrating

[Trev]

family

[Barkiss]

aggravating

[Zpanther]

cell phones

[Trev]

food

[tiger50]

Congraulations! You are depressed! You know just how it feels to bear all the world's burdens, and the value of a 19-hour night's sleep. And you really hate that circle-guy thing on your Zoloft pill packets.

Unipolar Depression

33%
Schizophrenia

17%
Borderline Personality Disorder

17%
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

17%
Antisocial Personality Disorder

8%
Eating Disorders

0%

mmmm not surprising everone knows us aussies are mad...

[Lena]

hungry

[Barkiss]

eating

[Lena]

delicious!

[sex_kitten_4u]

strawberrys