What should we do?

[bluegrass_74]

What do you do when your spouse loses all interests in sex? Am I supposed to go on acting like everthing is ok getting shoulder surgeries because of the masturbating. Or am supposed to find someone else? I do not know what I should do or what I should be thinking.

[fourisit]

That is a personal choice you will have to make for yourself. I went through a tough period where my husband lost his sex drive completely. He was so stressed with his work situation that all he did when he got home was sleep. He started a new job last week and slowly things are getting better. I guess you have to find out if its a long term thing or not before you take a big step like an affair. Have you talked to her or are you past that already?

[travelman]

Like Four said, have you talked about it? Is it her self-esteem, is it medical? I guess you need to find out what's causing her lack of desire before you can treat the problem.

[Lacey]

I agree with Four and Travelman........you have to ask or talk about what's wrong. She might be embarrassed to talk about it, but I think if you're caring and sensitive she'll open up.

[MarriedQt]

Try putting some effort into it......maybe give her a week off of cooking or whatever it is that she needs help with.....If she is thinking about her list of one hundred and one things that she still has to get done in the next few days it could be killing her sex drive.....wisk her away to a more carefree time....maybe thats just the rec room or a hotel and put that spark back......recreate your first date, or first time......something romantic that shows you care and she needs some special attention too!

[travelman]

A hotel, even if it's across town, can do wonders

[Shawn]

There is always porn.. i hear the internet is full of it, If that does not do it for ya... try actually having a conversation with the wife about it... thats what I did... now I know all the good porn sites

[bluegrass_74]

I agree with Four and Travelman........you have to ask or talk about what's wrong. She might be embarrassed to talk about it, but I think if you're caring and sensitive she'll open up.



I have talked and talked and she says that she'll change and "work on it" but I am still not getting very much.

[jmsmith12345]

What do you do when your spouse loses all interests in sex? Am I supposed to go on acting like everthing is ok getting shoulder surgeries because of the masturbating. Or am supposed to find someone else? I do not know what I should do or what I should be thinking.

I will answer point by point on this one...

What do you do when your spouse loses all interests in sex?
Find someone who loves sex as much as you do and go at it like hyperactive crack bunnies

Am I supposed to go on acting like everthing is ok getting shoulder surgeries because of the masturbating.
Try using more wrist action...it will take the pressure off the shoulder

Or am supposed to find someone else?
refer back to my first answer

I do not know what I should do or what I should be thinking.
Do more, think less.

[fourisit]

I have talked and talked and she says that she'll change and "work on it" but I am still not getting very much.
That was my husbands standard answer too. I have been there myself and let me tell you it was hard not to walk but it is working out for me. I wish you luck in whatever you decide.:sng

[MrHyde]

First find a good time to talk about it with her. Not right before bed after a long day, not with the kids around, not before some big stressful event. Then be sure to express how what is going on (or not going on) is effecting you. Do not place judgment on her. Tell her that you miss being physically intimate and that you are willing to do whatever she needs to ease back into it. If she feels you are being geniune she may open up and let you know what's going on. It's also a good idea to consult a marriage counselor about this VERY common issue. If you don't want to go that route at leaset buy two copies of Passionate Marriage and start a book club with your wife. Good luck brother! And remember, in the meantime, jerk away...keeps you sane.

[92115guy]

Everyone who says "talk about it" is spot on. That should always be your first option.

+1 on Passionate Marriage. Great book.

james

[MrHyde]

Everyone who says "talk about it" is spot on. That should always be your first option.

+1 on Passionate Marriage. Great book.

james

Gotta say brother...I think you're a great addition to the M&F fam..and not just cause you agreed with me...but that is a good start...lol

[Krystal]

Tried the "talking about it" thing. Told him precisely what I needed from him. He refuses to talk about it....doesn't see the fact that there's a major problem here.

Gave up. Found someone else to have fun with.

[Brink]

You’ve not given us a terrible amount of information to go on, so excuse me if I leap to conclusions or state the obvious...

I’d start by ruling out any causes you might be able to counter for you wife’s loss of libido. Maybe do some research on Google. Is there a mutual friend you trust who could give you insight? You might deduce that it’s tiredness, ill health, family/work problems or that you’re arguing too much, there’s too many relationship difficulties and it’s causing friction and resentment (if it’s the latter – expect very little positive attention, never mind sex).

Could be that uncovering the reason is just not possible – perhaps your wife is struggling to work it out (so we stand little chance here). It could have little to do directly with you or your relationship; you might have done nothing to evoke it. Therefore, you might not be able to ‘fix’ it by your own ‘good deeds’.

At a guess she probably needs to feel like your lover again, and you adore her, but there are so many pressures to fulfil in other areas that this is being squeezed out. You state she is trying harder…but don’t say what you are doing yourself. If she’s very unhappy at the moment, it’s gonna be up to you to get things back on track.

I’ll try and give you some general ideas that I think could help (as can be found in any good relationship guide!)

[Brink]

~ Do these things to show you love, care, appreciate her and not because you want to get sex. She really has to trust your restraint and motives here – and that further pressure is not being exerted via manipulation ~

This isn’t meant to sound like a 12 step guide, but it does…

Start conversing with her more about what you’ve both been doing, slowly open up on a deeper level about each others feelings – next time there’s a lull in your sex life you might have the clues beforehand. Examine what you can do to tackle any issues you have. Are you avoiding them – dismissing her suggestions? Can you concede any ground?? Can you do anything practically?

Note if you could do more around house - do things before she asks - make sure you’re not making extra work for her or waiting to be nagged. Take some time off work and ask her for a ‘honey-do’ list of little things that have needed doing. Make it seem you’re taking responsibility.

Kids – can’t advise you much, but if you’ve got them consider the impact they are having, what you are doing together as a family, and their needs for your attention. Take them out on your own as often as you can. Get a babysitter for some quality time together…put effort yourself into the planning an evening she really wants…not necessarily to do with sex!

Compliments – start with rather benign ones, make them more personal as you go along, but be sincere. Show her she’s still the attractive woman you fell in love with and more. Take a bit more time on your own appearance. Encourage her to compliment you. Exude your own sexual confidence…

Spoil her with gifts (do this carefully though). Start small – perhaps bring something in with the shopping every time…bubble bath, puzzles, magazines, books, music are all good as they show you want her to get some time alone. Does she have hobbies/ pastimes? Show your interest and encouragement in these by buying her the equipment. Surprise her with something bigger now and again – something you know she wants because you’ve been listening!

Intimacy – Do you hold hands, embrace…kiss goodbye? After you’ve made time for the above, and you notice improvements, I’d really big up on the intimacy. Show her you don’t expect intimacy to lead to sex. Sit next to her when you can…rub her feet…play with her hair…caress…whisper sweet nothings…expect nothing in return. Hold her in bed without getting randy and that’s sure to impress.

I’d leave hotels and holidays until things improve – these might appear like you’re expecting sex to happen, but once you’ve tackled the above they should be injected as often as you can just for the relaxation.

Next comes the actual sex – your responsibility again (at least at the moment). Just reading this site will give you future ideas, but I’d really get introspective on this one and challenge your own perspectives. Could it be she just doesn’t want sex because it’s pretty disappointing? Are you really giving her all that she wants?

I have been there myself if it helps. It is possible to work through it.

[vicarious]

I hate to say it, but communication is key. Intimacy for a woman doesn't start with her genitals. It starts with her mind. Find out what's wrong. She may be uninterested in you and unable to vocalize it to you. Maybe she doesn't love you anymore. If you decide to press it, be prepared for anything.

My problem with marriage is that it's so fucking hard! It's hard work!

[WandaRing]

What do you do when your spouse loses all interests in sex? Am I supposed to go on acting like everthing is ok getting shoulder surgeries because of the masturbating. Or am supposed to find someone else? I do not know what I should do or what I should be thinking.
bluegrass what are the reasons for her not wanting to have sex any more? Do you know, have you talked with her, is it medical, has she seen doctors, or is she too tired? I became ill and my husband became impatient and bullied me into allowing him to have sex with prostitutes, I told him if he went ahead with a hooker we'd never have sex again ---he did, and we've never had sex again and now we don't have a marriage because I left.

No one can tell you want to do, and I really do understand your frustrations...I would suggest you keep talking, don't let this go away, get help if you need to, because once you stop talking, you slowly become good friends, and then start to live like roommates...finding another person may only make things worse. Look through the threads, there are a lot of people in here, going through the same or similar issue you are facing, you may find some helpful advice and or suggestions to help get you through this. I wish you all the luck in the world.

[celtichazel]

hard conversation to have........i have tried over and over with my husband and i think between the embarassment factor (on his part) and who knows what else, i can't seem to get an answer...........in my situtation i believe it is medical,issues for him but again we are soooo different in that respect, i am more open and free spirited, he is an old soul at times. let me know your secret if talking helps...........i could use help!!!!

[92115guy]

hard conversation to have........i have tried over and over with my husband and i think between the embarassment factor (on his part) and who knows what else, i can't seem to get an answer...........in my situtation i believe it is medical,issues for him but again we are soooo different in that respect, i am more open and free spirited, he is an old soul at times. let me know your secret if talking helps...........i could use help!!!!

Pride can be a really hard thing to swallow for men. Especially when it comes to our virility. So I can imagine that talking about it could be very tough to do. I wish you luck with it and if something works could you keep us posted?

james