View Full Version : When is enough, enough?
As some of u know I have been married 21 years. It sometimes feels like forever. I have cried allot of tears and then got tough and hold back now. It seems no matter what I do it is never good enough or it is wrong. I have never really had friends, didn't ever really do what I wanted, nor do I feel free to express myself like I want to.
He requires so much attention and when it is not lavished upon him with enthusiasm, well then he pouts and I kiss ass to make amends because it makes life easier for the entire family.
It has wore me out and I think I am coming to the realization that I can not handle it any more.
Does anyone else have this problem or am I the only idiot here? lol
Guess this should have gone into blogs because I am venting, I know no one can give me advice.
92115guy
09-16-2008, 11:38 AM
Nothing wrong with venting out here and I would venture to say that you are certainly not alone in your situation.
If you ever need an ear let me know. Best of luck and keep us posted.
james
I am with you girl... you are definately not alone here!!!
Just remember... YOU are worth better! YOU deserve to be loved and YOU deserve to be happy!!! Fight for what YOU want! I'm here to talk if you need to! Heaven knows we need friends in times like these! :kk
fourisit
09-16-2008, 11:40 AM
Aww honey I understand where you are. Its hard being the only one who makes an effort. It is even worse when you have to give up everything that you are to make him happy. I think you should try to find yourself again. You are just as important as he is in the family and he needs to realize how spoiled he is. Dont think your family doesnt see how miserable you are no matter how you try to hide it.. Sometimes its ok for us to be selfish and put ourselves first because ultimately it makes there lives better in the long run. Let me know if you want to talk in PM girl I am here for you. Oh and btw you are definitly not an idiot.
Nothing wrong with venting out here and I would venture to say that you are certainly not alone in your situation.
If you ever need an ear let me know. Best of luck and keep us posted.
james
How about a ear and a box of frickin tissues? lol Thanks.
92115guy
09-16-2008, 11:41 AM
How about a ear and a box of frickin tissues? lol Thanks.
LOL...well, I do have a costo supply here if you need them.
james
yaser
09-16-2008, 11:43 AM
As some of u know I have been married 21 years. It sometimes feels like forever. I have cried allot of tears and then got tough and hold back now. It seems no matter what I do it is never good enough or it is wrong. I have never really had friends, didn't ever really do what I wanted, nor do I feel free to express myself like I want to.
He requires so much attention and when it is not lavished upon him with enthusiasm, well then he pouts and I kiss ass to make amends because it makes life easier for the entire family.
It has wore me out and I think I am coming to the realization that I can not handle it any more.
Does anyone else have this problem or am I the only idiot here? lol
Guess this should have gone into blogs because I am venting, I know no one can give me advice.
Gd, sorry can you explain to me:nothing is good enough for you or for your hubby?
Gd, sorry can you explain to me:nothing is good enough for you or for your hubby?
Yaser, for him. When I give he wants more. I used to ask him why he ever had children when he requires so much attention.
Thanks for kind words everyone. I am sure it will come to a head one day and I will have no choices left.
Coach74
09-16-2008, 11:50 AM
You know you always have a friend with a broad shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen.
yaser
09-16-2008, 11:52 AM
Yaser, for him. When I give he wants more. I used to ask him why he ever had children when he requires so much attention.
Thanks for kind words everyone. I am sure it will come to a head one day and I will have no choices left.
Gd,it seems he is perfectionist for others...He also wants the kids to be perfect..It makes you dry...It kills you..What I am afraid is you may think that he is wright when he humiliates you..He is fully sick..
Denny422
09-16-2008, 12:07 PM
You're not an idiot, and you're certainly not alone. Men can have that problem too. My situation is nowhere near as bad as yours, but I certainly understand what it feels like to give up on your own dreams and not get much in return.
Just know that we are here for you and will be glad to listen when you want to talk.
Hope it gets better.
Shawn
09-16-2008, 12:35 PM
Hope things get better... maybe misery really does love company.... for me its peaks and valleys it seems... just knowing things HAVE to get better is enough for me to move past my frustrations.
Thanks for all the support. I am not trying to gain sympathy. I realize no one can help me to make any decisions. It is just not so easy to say "cya", well I have said it harder to actually DO it.
MRsarcastic
09-16-2008, 01:59 PM
love isn't an easy thing..... i've shared some of your problems.... i've stayed in my relationship for reason that i'm not even sure of... being from a family of divorced parents . i vowed not to let my children go through what i did...is that wrong? who's to say...... if your still married there must be something deep inside you that is still in love.... finding that something is the hard part...when i get to the point that i want out i always seem to find that something....i have to boys ,youngest is a senior hs . so it would be easy to walk. but yet i dont... because i find that part thats still in love....if you can't then don't waste the rest of your best yrs trying....:la. was this confusing or what. i reread it and i'm not sure what i said...
scoobertina
09-16-2008, 02:08 PM
a relationship is a give and take... I do wonder though if you might miss all the attention you give him... I think you should talk to him and tell him that you are giving all that you can give and you know... sometimes, you want him to show you that he appreciates you for a change... he must be able to give as well as take and you deserve it... it itsn't going to happen over night but maybe he will realize that changes need to be made...
As some of u know I have been married 21 years. It sometimes feels like forever. I have cried allot of tears and then got tough and hold back now. It seems no matter what I do it is never good enough or it is wrong. I have never really had friends, didn't ever really do what I wanted, nor do I feel free to express myself like I want to.
He requires so much attention and when it is not lavished upon him with enthusiasm, well then he pouts and I kiss ass to make amends because it makes life easier for the entire family.
It has wore me out and I think I am coming to the realization that I can not handle it any more.
Does anyone else have this problem or am I the only idiot here? lol
Guess this should have gone into blogs because I am venting, I know no one can give me advice.
I am sorry to hear that you are so unhappy.. but I do understand it. Sometimes I think I have spent the last 8 years being pissed off. LOL. Lately I had a sort of epiphany and have been doing a lot of selfish things for myself.. things I do only for me to make myself a better person and to keep me healthy. By osmosis, my family will benefit, I think.
I guess I do not really have any advice but only to offer support and say that I know what it's like to feel helpless. Whether to stay or go is so personal, nobody can help with that decision but maybe with some support, friendship and encouragement you will be able to appreciate the beautiful person inside of you again.
:)
CA_Texan
09-16-2008, 02:11 PM
I feel for you, and I often feel like I'm going through the same thing with my wife. You get to a point where you feel as if all you are doing is giving, not getting anything in return, subjugating yourself to your spouse's wants and will and not wanting to stand up for yourself, not wanting to take what you so desperately need to be giving, out of fear of rocking the boat. It sounds like you're making it easier for everyone in your family but you, so maybe you should make a few waves.
Never forget that you deserve to be happy! Carve out a little bit for yourself, if your husband doesn't like it, too bad for him! And whatever you do, don't let him manipulate you into feeling guilty for going after what you want, just because it isn't what he wants.
I think there's more than a few people here who are rooting for you, myself included.
kissme
09-16-2008, 02:38 PM
As some of u know I have been married 21 years. It sometimes feels like forever. I have cried allot of tears and then got tough and hold back now. It seems no matter what I do it is never good enough or it is wrong. I have never really had friends, didn't ever really do what I wanted, nor do I feel free to express myself like I want to.
He requires so much attention and when it is not lavished upon him with enthusiasm, well then he pouts and I kiss ass to make amends because it makes life easier for the entire family.
It has wore me out and I think I am coming to the realization that I can not handle it any more.
Does anyone else have this problem or am I the only idiot here? lol
Guess this should have gone into blogs because I am venting, I know no one can give me advice.
You sound like a classic "self-sacrificer". You sacrafice your own happiness to take care of everyone else's needs and soon you are exhausted mentally and physically. I think you need to make yourself happy and content and to hell with the rest of them. I have watched my sister give everything to her husband and kid only to have them shit on her. She keeps giving them what they demand, and they only demand more. I think you deserve to be happy, I think everyone deserves to be happy and I think that it is easier to make the people around you happy if you make time for yourself and do things for yourself to make YOU happy. I know that can be hard when you are use to playing the doormat, but seroiusly, life is too damn short. Take time for yourself, no matter what that may be. :hug:
Tndream
09-16-2008, 02:45 PM
GD...
I had this exact same problem with my husband before our divorce.
I told him "Grow the hell up or get the f**k out"
Well, it wasn't quite as simple as that, there were a few other colorful words thrown in here and there.
I told him " if you don't like the way I do it, the do it yourself"
I know what you mean about trying to make things easier at home.
I also discovered that the longer I did this, the longer i allowed him to manipulate me into becomming nothing more than a door mat to wipe his feet on when he wanted it.
I think that was the final straw for me.
If you are strong enough to endure it for 20 years, you are strong enough to put your foot down and end it.
I know easier said than done right?
Wrong, if you want the situation to change, then tell him flat out.
Do not sugar coat the situation or your feelings over it.
I am sorry if this seems harsh hon, I am about as blunt as a 2X4
I also apologize if you think I am being rude or trying to blow it off, I really am not, just offering my take on a situation.
No THG u r not rude. You tell it like it is and that is the way it should be.
Soffie
09-16-2008, 09:45 PM
I can feel your pain-my mother stayed with my father (who was very high maintenance-and required more attention than me and my sister)! You are not doing the kids any favors staying with him for them! Take it from a adult child of that type of marriage. You are young-explore your alternatives and go for it! Good luck and remember we are all here for you! Feel free to vent anytime!
cherokeered
09-16-2008, 09:51 PM
As some of u know I have been married 21 years. It sometimes feels like forever. I have cried allot of tears and then got tough and hold back now. It seems no matter what I do it is never good enough or it is wrong. I have never really had friends, didn't ever really do what I wanted, nor do I feel free to express myself like I want to.
He requires so much attention and when it is not lavished upon him with enthusiasm, well then he pouts and I kiss ass to make amends because it makes life easier for the entire family.
It has wore me out and I think I am coming to the realization that I can not handle it any more.
Does anyone else have this problem or am I the only idiot here? lol
Guess this should have gone into blogs because I am venting, I know no one can give me advice.
nope, ur not the only one.....it's all about him...my hubby...the world revolves around him...all conversations revolve around him....and if they don't...he makes them....his favorite subject is himself...
So, I sleep on the couch....and just get by with him as a roommate....
farmer69
09-17-2008, 02:32 AM
I am on the other foot, that was me. Something happen that I did and it has hurt my marrige. Now I see what I did in the past to her, and just hope that it is not to late to make thing better. Now I have to fix things, or make things the way they should have been. Before it is to late if it is not to late
Brink
09-17-2008, 05:38 AM
So many wise words already offered, I think you've taken an important step for yourself in concluding and releasing how you feel.
The more time you give over to the consideration of your own needs, the better. Even if you feel too trapped now to do anything to change things, your determination will gather momentum, and, in time, you'll have the strength to tackle the things you are facing up to.
It must start from within, as others have said. You've got to identify with yourself again, recognise and recover what has been smothered, do things because it's what you want. Start off small. Don't write yourself off as an idiot. In fact, don't put yourself down at all. Focus on what others tell you is good about yourself...and listen to the voice in your head that knows you're not stupid.
If you keep pushing to make things better for yourself, you might find you outgrew him a long time ago. He might wake up if he thinks he'll lose you. You could be on the verge of a new beginning!
Vampireskiss
09-17-2008, 11:49 AM
As much as l'd like to help...you and l have Curly running aronud in the boat drilling hole's to let the water out...l've been married for about 14 yrs now...and l feel like l've been condemed to life in marrage without paroll...
Because l work the hour's l do...l don't get to spend the so called ''quality'' time she think's l should with my kid's...by the time l get home..all have eaten and are on there way's to bed...so l miss alot...then l get hit with the guilt of not being there for them or with l don't do enough around the house. l try to do all l can...but in the long run it's never enough...and she's never satisfied so l just plug along and take her shit...l do have one gleam os sunshine though...l love when my kid's confront her (mind you my boy's 13 and my girl's are 12) but they question her as to why she dump's on me all the time when l haven't done anything wqrong...and when she start's on them l can at least rescue them...make's me feel wanted at that moment...trust me love...l know of which you speak.:sryAs some of u know I have been married 21 years. It sometimes feels like forever. I have cried allot of tears and then got tough and hold back now. It seems no matter what I do it is never good enough or it is wrong. I have never really had friends, didn't ever really do what I wanted, nor do I feel free to express myself like I want to.
He requires so much attention and when it is not lavished upon him with enthusiasm, well then he pouts and I kiss ass to make amends because it makes life easier for the entire family.
It has wore me out and I think I am coming to the realization that I can not handle it any more.
Does anyone else have this problem or am I the only idiot here? lol
Guess this should have gone into blogs because I am venting, I know no one can give me advice.
YourAssMyHand
09-17-2008, 12:19 PM
you have to get some before it is too much.
I started school and he is threatened by it but I had to say to him "to bad". I have done what u wanted for too long. I started school six years ago and quit, I am so mad at myself bcoz I would have been done and in my profession by now.
He says I am too old and just bored. My reply is I have at least 25yrs of working left in me so I want to spend it enjoying my job.
Man u peeps on M&F are cool!
yaser
09-17-2008, 01:18 PM
I started school and he is threatened by it but I had to say to him "to bad". I have done what u wanted for too long. I started school six years ago and quit, I am so mad at myself bcoz I would have been done and in my profession by now.
He says I am too old and just bored. My reply is I have at least 25yrs of working left in me so I want to spend it enjoying my job.
Man u peeps on M&F are cool!
I believe you are growing...:sng
TammyE
09-17-2008, 03:30 PM
Hey, girl, vent away! That's what we're here for. I can understand your frustration. I've been married for 20 years myself, and it's not always bad, but sometimes I just wonder if it's even worth it to struggle on. Whatever you decide, you deserve to be happy.
Lacey
09-17-2008, 03:33 PM
I started school and he is threatened by it but I had to say to him "to bad". I have done what u wanted for too long. I started school six years ago and quit, I am so mad at myself bcoz I would have been done and in my profession by now.
He says I am too old and just bored. My reply is I have at least 25yrs of working left in me so I want to spend it enjoying my job.
Man u peeps on M&F are cool!
I can understand this to a point. I have just started school again. And you would have thought I had ran out and have an affair. I think they do get threatened by it. I always wonder why he can't just be proud or happy for me,instead of always turning it into something about him!
jmsmith12345
09-17-2008, 03:37 PM
I can understand this to a point. I have just started school again. And you would have thought I had ran out and have an affair. I think they do get threatened by it. I always wonder why he can't just be proud or happy for me,instead of always turning it into something about him!
It is because too many men are insecure if their wives are more successful than they are. I know it is stupid, but it is true.
To all of you lovely ladies trying to better yourselves in any way at all, more power to you. The desire to be a better person should never be something for which you are ashamed. Hold you heads high...because smart girls are way hotter than dumb ones.
PlayfulMale69
09-17-2008, 03:41 PM
It is enough when I say it is enough, no one else. Oh was that selfish? *giggle*
Denny422
09-17-2008, 09:02 PM
I started school and he is threatened by it but I had to say to him "to bad". I have done what u wanted for too long. I started school six years ago and quit, I am so mad at myself bcoz I would have been done and in my profession by now.
He says I am too old and just bored. My reply is I have at least 25yrs of working left in me so I want to spend it enjoying my job.
Man u peeps on M&F are cool!
TOO OLD?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!
Excuse the livin' HELL outta me, but 40 is NOT OLD!!!!!
History is replete with examples of people who did some of their best or most important work or accomplishments after that age! I hope you hit him HARD with something REALLY heavy someplace it REALLY HURT!!!!!
My grandfather wrenched his hip water skiing at 68, and my 72 year old father just cut up and removed a 50 foot oak tree from his driveway BY HIMSELF yesterday because he COULD. He didn't want any help (it was offered, by the way).
I have totally changed careers several times in my life, but the last one was three years ago when I was 44! TOTALLY out of my previous line of work (office management to private investigation), and I am doing quite fine, thank you very much!
Hit him again, for me, and get on with your classes! NEVER be afraid to try something new. You're old when you DECIDE to be!
TOO OLD?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!
Excuse the livin' HELL outta me, but 40 is NOT OLD!!!!!
History is replete with examples of people who did some of their best or most important work or accomplishments after that age! I hope you hit him HARD with something REALLY heavy someplace it REALLY HURT!!!!!
My grandfather wrenched his hip water skiing at 68, and my 72 year old father just cut up and removed a 50 foot oak tree from his driveway BY HIMSELF yesterday because he COULD. He didn't want any help (it was offered, by the way).
I have totally changed careers several times in my life, but the last one was three years ago when I was 44! TOTALLY out of my previous line of work (office management to private investigation), and I am doing quite fine, thank you very much!
Hit him again, for me, and get on with your classes! NEVER be afraid to try something new. You're old when you DECIDE to be!
Thanks!!!! :knuddel: It is an excuse. I am not old nor do I feel old or want to act old. Ah crap if I hit him my arthritis may act up. lol
Loves2Flirt
09-22-2008, 08:26 PM
I have never in my life been a divorce advocate....I always believed you should fight for your marriage unless there were infidelities or abuse. My views have since changed. I've seen so many miserable marriages and I don't think that God would want us to suffer in them if they made us feel less valuable. If my husband made me feel like yours did, I'd be at the nearest divorce attorney. No one should make you feel so miserable or low about yourself. Shame on him!
WandaRing
09-22-2008, 08:42 PM
When is enough, enough?
When you reach the bottom and feel like you cant get up,
When you don't feel that you can really tell family and friends what is happening,
When you have to lie to make your life look better or feel that you have to protect others from worrying about you.
When getting up in the morning you'd rather have the flu or just wish you would die and not have to deal with him or her anymore.
When your stomach is so upset you feel like you're going to be sick.
When your children start acting out in negative ways.
When you don't know who you are any more.
When you feel like you've lost yourself...when you just don't want to live because you feel so hopeless.
I waited for enough for too long....take a careful look and talk as much as you can, if nothing changes then its time to relook at your life.
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