Changes, choices, fears, wants and needs....

[WandaRing]

:nopityFrom the time we are conceived life has no guarantees, no promises of a "rose garden" and we are not given a book that tells us what to do with our life and what to do in difficult situations we find ourselves in. I know leaving my marriage was the right thing to do...it is the only way I can heal and find out who I am and what I want to do with my life without him interfering in my life...even though he's still pulling the control and guilt buttons I am very happy away from him, I find my home peaceful and I can shut the door on him and the world when it becomes too much to handle.

I think I am happy, right now, I'm just very anxious about everything...the changes, both known and unknown and succeeding with life on my own. We all have needs and wants and go through changes and have choices to make, how do you handle changes and the fears that go along with changes? How do you decide what are wants and what are needs? How do you manage when everything happens all at once and you feel so out of control and overwhelmed with life and where it's going..or not knowing where its going?

:crs:yks

[SunnyD]

Annie, honestly you need to believe in YOU and know that at the end of the day there is only so much you can do at one time! Prioritize what is most important to you and work your list down from there. I know you can do whatever you want too. I think more strength comes out here when you post than you ever realized!

[Lethe]

I know exactly where you are coming from Annie. Sometimes I feel like life is going to overwhelm me and push me along like a huge wave.

This is what I do when I start feeling that way. Tackle one thing at a time. To heck with the rest of it. Just take care of that one thing. I get a feeling of accomplishment and control that way. Then I tackle the next problem. Pretty soon I've knocked them all down and I feel really good about myself.

I know some problems are not that simple to deal with, but do what you can as you can. I think you will see problems are not so difficult if you take them one at a time.

[scoobertina]

:nopityFrom the time we are conceived life has no guarantees, no promises of a "rose garden" and we are not given a book that tells us what to do with our life and what to do in difficult situations we find ourselves in. I know leaving my marriage was the right thing to do...it is the only way I can heal and find out who I am and what I want to do with my life without him interfering in my life...even though he's still pulling the control and guilt buttons I am very happy away from him, I find my home peaceful and I can shut the door on him and the world when it becomes too much to handle.

I think I am happy, right now, I'm just very anxious about everything...the changes, both known and unknown and succeeding with life on my own. We all have needs and wants and go through changes and have choices to make, how do you handle changes and the fears that go along with changes? How do you decide what are wants and what are needs? How do you manage when everything happens all at once and you feel so out of control and overwhelmed with life and where it's going..or not knowing where its going?

:crs:yks


I am handling the changes one day at a time... I lean on my friends... I post here about what I am feeling.. and I post here about things that are purely craziness...
My decisions about wants and needs are easier... I need to pay the bills.. I need to work.. I need to put a little aside for ME.... my wants are secondary for now.. I have decided to take my time and weigh things.. the good and the bad.. is it something I will find good for me?
ohhhh the overwhelming part... wow.. so many things I have let get to me the past year... I sit in my hot tub... I watch sad movies and cry... I talk to whatever friends I can find online...

Annie, I am happy for you.. You are so strong.. you have influenced me and I am grateful to you for posting here about what you go through.. you give me hope that my trivial issues will be overcome if I just let myself go... Hang in there Annie.. and I agree with Sunny, this time is YOUR time...

[NotTooGirly]

How do you handle changes and the fears that go along with changes? How do you decide what are wants and what are needs? How do you manage when everything happens all at once and you feel so out of control and overwhelmed with life and where it's going..or not knowing where its going?

Awesome questions, Annie. I think more people need to ask this of themselves on a regular basis - if we don't ask we tend not to go looking for the answers, and these are questions that need to be answered before one can truly know who they are, IMO.

For me...I can sum most of this up with a new favorite quote: “Now I’ve learned the hard way that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.”

I've never felt like there was some sort of great plan or order to things anyhow, so the lack of control was never bothersome for me - I always knew I would be the one who determined my path, good, bad or otherwise. For a long time I was afraid of the "what ifs" and of making a wrong turn, but now I have come to terms with that fear. It took me a lot of really honest, harsh soul-searching and not allowing myself to make excuses or get away with self-delusion...not the easiest or most pleasant thing in the world, but it's worked for me. I think if I hadn't been able to do this I'd be a slave to my fears, including fear of the unknown, but what it came down to was a decision that I was not going to cower in fear but rather live my life fully, regardless of what the outcome might be.

From what you've said it sounds like you are on the road to getting past the anxiety and the fears...and time is the key here. It gets better, just not overnight. You have to trust yourself, trust the people you let into your life, and eventually take that first shaky step...when you open your eyes and see that you're still standing, it will energize you and make you ready for more. And so it goes from there. :))):

[Icarus]

This is what I do when I start feeling that way. Tackle one thing at a time. To heck with the rest of it. Just take care of that one thing. I get a feeling of accomplishment and control that way. Then I tackle the next problem. Pretty soon I've knocked them all down and I feel really good about myself.


Success breeds success. When you're overwhelmed, take care of something that is manageable, forget the rest. With that task off your plate and the positive feeling of accomplishment, you'll be ready for the next task. It may be more difficult, but with a win under your belt, you'll feel more capable of tackling it.


Good luck, Annie.

[Guitar Strummer]

There is an old saying that goes something like "you are always more than you seem and more than you believe." If your here asking these questions, you've already found that out. You know inside you can handle whatever comes at you but your friends are the support that can keep you going. Don't worry, just do.


Drunk and tired

[FizProf]

...
We all have needs and wants and go through changes and have choices to make, how do you handle changes and the fears that go along with changes? How do you decide what are wants and what are needs? How do you manage when everything happens all at once and you feel so out of control and overwhelmed with life and where it's going..or not knowing where its going?


I think your needs are those things the lack of which renders you less than a complete person. In this analysis a complete person is one who has tried to fulfill all of his or her potential (and may have failed in some aspects). In contrast, the lack of "wants" does not render you less than complete. The wants may make life easier or even more enjoyable, but missing them does not take away from the essential you...

Over just the last ten years I have had a couple of occasions where things seem to spin out of control. One was related to the rather tumultuous affair I had with my wife while she was still entangled in another relationship (I was the "other woman" so to speak). One had to do with a complete near collapse of my career engineered by a rival whose own career was crashing and burning and was determined to take me down with him.

I sought professional each time, and made use of every resource at my disposal: medication, therapy, talking to friends and trusted colleagues, and turned to my family for support. My therapist pointed out that I waqs lucky to have and so many resources to fall back on. But he pointed out that in crisis one must make the best use of ones available resources. This involves opening up to yourself and to others, in some cases strangers (therapists). It is often to easy to withdraw into onself and I have certainly done my share of that in the past. Through these "recent" crises I have had the benefit of relying on people who care.

And since I've come to M&F I've been deliriously happy having found Deb.
It's frustrating that we are not able to meet in person. BUt what's more frustrating is that I cannot tell anyone here about her, not even my therapist, not my best friends, not my parents or my sister. There is only M&F. ANd in recent weeks I feel myself drawn to others as well and I feel like a heel and a jerk. I have no resources...I don't think the M&F community would condone my behavior. I think there is only one person here that I can talk to and this means I am pretty much down to minimal resources of support...Bless your heart Catmom for being a friend...
I guess I should take my own advice on the needs vs. wants analysis...
It's just that I was such a lonly person for so much of my life ... and the huge hole that it has left in my being...

Sorry Annie...this should be about you and not me...sorry for being an egocentric asshole...

[Brink]

Annie - thanks for setting me up with another chance to self-indulge. Great questions!!

Few things seem to burden my life, so much so, my own mind wants to play tricks, convince me I need to take more worries onboard. Without balance, perhaps you can’t begin to appreciate the suffering others are going through. The only thing I can’t take for granted, and the only thing that would inject unprecedented change into my life, would be to have children. My only need is to give up on fertility treatment, deal with the loss of the hope we created, and adopt a sibling group as soon as my wife is ready to. Though, I suppose if I put it like that, social services won’t want to approve us!!

Sometimes, I wonder how it would feel to wake up one morning, my wife having left me (or, if I really want torture, having died in the night) my home wrecked by bulldozers, my job lost due to suspicious internet activity – and have so much to cope with I don’t know how to cope. The crux of this being, why do I even wonder this, is this another sign I don’t appreciate what I have achieved? Why not forget the ridiculous scenarios, and where I’d take my miserable existence, and just truly behold what I've got! I'm the luckiest man I know! What complex inner feelings are calling for this destruction – do I unconsciously hate myself or something?

Sounding rather twee, I'd say to anyone who is uncertain about their future, that they should try to relish what they're not bound by. Using one of those unhelpful analogies, I’d tell them to take twisted comfort in the fact they can’t pin down where they'll be - figuratively speaking - next year, never mind in 10 years time. They can’t say who they'll be growing old with, what minor habits they'll find intolerable, what sacrifices they'll have to make for somebody else. Those pleasures, torments, and goals lay waiting for them because they've not fulfilled their happiness quotient. They just need to accredit themselves with the means to obtain them. Even the vilest humans in history tend to exude their happiness once in a while, so there's hope for the rest of us!!

Taking a gamble, I’d say nobody is really enduring the worst hardship they could find themselves in, if they are able to be here.

[catmom]

Annie - one step at a time, that's all you can do.