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Frayed Knot

Posted 02-17-2017 at 04:05 PM by Just A Girl
For weeks, months really, I've felt like everything is in complete chaos. I feel like everything is spinning out of control and I've actually, even somewhat knowingly, have allowed that to happen.
My husband up and quit his very good job in August because he was 'stressed'. That put the entire financial responsibility of our family on me, again. It's February, still nothing. He spends his days picking up the house, watching the news, napping, playing video games and whatever other errands I may need for the day. I work from home. Seeing him here all the time, combined with my utter resentment of him putting me in this position again, is challenging our relationship. We were supposed to move this summer. That won't be happening because I cannot save the money for an out of state move while he's contributing nothing financially to our household.
My job has gotten ridiculously crazy. It's not just me, it's the nature of the organization. We are all taking on responsibilities we don't normally have because corporate operates on the policy that a warm body can do anything, even if it's outside the area of our expertise or even what we were hired to do. Every week, at least one afternoon, I break down in tears because I'm so stressed out I can't breathe.
This has lead to me just not giving 2 shits about what I eat. I eat whatever I want, any time I want and my waistline is showing it. So now I'm stressed at home, stressed at work, and stressed over my own body image. This one piece is probably the easiest to fix, though it doesn't seem like it. Make better choices, go to the gym. These 2 things would probably make me feel better about a lot of things in general.
Today, I had a complete meltdown. Crying and gnashing of teeth. I'm angry and I'm defeated and I'm tired and I know I'm a piece of shit. I'm at the bottom of my barrel, the last of my rope has frayed and while I know that tomorrow I may see the light again, today - right now, I've reached my end. I don't see a light. I don't see anything getting better. I don't see myself feeling any better about anything. We are all our own worst enemies and the things we say in our own heads are usually worse than anything that anyone would ever actually say about us. I've really managed to talk myself into the lowest of lows, the darkest of the darks and I just don't see a way out of this hole I've dug today.
I don't post this as some cry for help, I'm not going to off myself or anything stupid like that. I don't post it for sympathy or for reassurances that I'm a great person and gosh darnit, people like me. I post it because I don't really have anyone I can talk to about all of these things, well maybe I just don't want to talk to anyone about them because saying them out loud takes away their power. I don't know. I just want to turtle up, disappear from the world for a bit, until the sun is shining again.
Total Comments 18


FlowerGirl228's Avatar

One day at a time.
I had to do it all for a year while my hubby was sick .. whatever hours I wasn't working , I got to listen to him alternate between complaining and whining. My world consisted of Drs , hospitals and work.
Give yourself a break . You're only human. You can get through this !
Posted 02-17-2017 at 04:20 PM by FlowerGirl228 FlowerGirl228 is offline
DomesticDiva's Avatar
My Boo we really are soul sisters...We SO need both catch up and get the furk away from these damn houses that are extinguishing our candles!!!!...

You know I'm sort of floating right there with you in that boat and please PLEASE text me when EVER you feel you are taking on water.

Our house is waiting for us Boo...Hang in there my luv...
Posted 02-17-2017 at 04:37 PM by DomesticDiva DomesticDiva is offline
bryan3636's Avatar
So sorry to hear of the chaos. For whatever reason I thought I remembered you posting that hubs went back to work but maybe I misunderstood. Know all this is a temporary setback and things will turn around eventually. Hang in there!
Posted 02-17-2017 at 05:09 PM by bryan3636 bryan3636 is offline
SophieC's Avatar
I was going to say I have a similar situation, but that's not true cause we're all different in our way. My husband works and he works hard. But he spends hard. Too much. All the time. With or without my ok. I work to pay debts. I save 50ps, pound coins in a jar as if I'm a child. He found my last stash. It's doesn't bathe either myself or he in a good light. It is what it is till I can change it. That's maybe not comforting, but it's one of my secrets too.

Posted 02-18-2017 at 11:10 AM by SophieC SophieC is offline
ByronBay's Avatar
Hang on in there! Sounds tough. One of my best friends is in a similar situation as her hub hasn't worked for a year and she is doing everything- working all day and night plus childcare. She is almost at breaking point.
Sometimes when things are tough you just have to keep going and thats all you can do. Take what moments you can to look after yourself to stay strong. Remember this too shall pass. It might not feel like it but there will be better times ahead. Stay hopeful. It just takes one job - and once your husband is out working again the pressure will be lifted. Don't lose hope.
Posted 02-18-2017 at 05:03 PM by ByronBay ByronBay is offline
SunnyD's Avatar
You have a lot on your plate and when things start feeling like its all running together or starting to fall off the plate YOU need to be heard. It's not a sign of weakness to want a moment, a conversation, a post or a blog to be about you! Know you aren't alone. Many of us can relate to work, home and not putting ourselves first.. HUGS.
Posted 02-18-2017 at 08:05 PM by SunnyD SunnyD is offline
scoobertina's Avatar

I have no advice.. Just sympathy.. I hope things find a way..
Posted 02-19-2017 at 08:38 PM by scoobertina scoobertina is offline
leggy's Avatar
Posted 02-20-2017 at 10:16 AM by leggy leggy is offline
gdgrl's Avatar
You are a bad ass. It's not easy being the bread winner and seeing some of your dreams fade away. And I know it's gotta suck being in the house with him and having no break. You need to get out, go shopping or go have lunch, text your Boo, just something for you an you alone.

Stress isn't good for you, don't let someone else take precious years off your life. I wish I had the answers.

Posted 02-20-2017 at 01:56 PM by gdgrl gdgrl is offline
stu472004's Avatar
Sorry , I've got no answers either, apart from echoing others thoughts about giving yourself some "me" time .
Posted 02-20-2017 at 04:17 PM by stu472004 stu472004 is offline
hijiller's Avatar
JAG, my friend had a very similar situation..the staying home turned into two years. She finally found a solution. I'll pm you if you are asking for ideas, or maybe you just are needing to talk.
Posted 02-20-2017 at 09:48 PM by hijiller hijiller is offline
Just A Girl's Avatar
Please do! I'm at my end with him. He keeps promising he'll have something but I'm watching our futures alter from what I hoped. What kills me is that moving out of state started as his idea! When I finally got on board and began actively making changes to our life to do so, he up and quits. My income does just fine supporting our family but it's going to take a long time to actually squirrel away the sort of cash an out of state move requires.
Posted 02-21-2017 at 03:47 PM by Just A Girl Just A Girl is offline
hijiller's Avatar
It's work for you, but at least you feel like you are doing something. I'll need a day or so.
Posted 02-21-2017 at 06:20 PM by hijiller hijiller is offline
Just A Girl's Avatar
Thanks Jill
Posted 02-21-2017 at 08:56 PM by Just A Girl Just A Girl is offline
hijiller's Avatar
Trying to send part 2
Posted 02-23-2017 at 04:08 PM by hijiller hijiller is offline
southernboy's Avatar
Sorry to hear about everything JaG and this is probably one of those things where people don't really know what to say, outside of keep your head up. But sometimes that's really all you can... keep trudging and fighting and focusing on what needs to get done for you. Obviously hubs has to man up and pick up his end of the bargain... but I'm sure that may be a broken record for you. Here's hoping things improve, but it's good to see you have a network of people here to help out and listen.
Posted 02-23-2017 at 10:46 PM by southernboy southernboy is offline
barefootgirl's Avatar
Ok. you need to breathe. Take what you can change, and work on that. Get up and go for a walk outside if you can't get to the gym. Fresh oxygen to the brain can clear your cobwebs. Just a little 15 min walk outside can relieve stress and it will help you think clearer. Toss the other stuff that you have no control of off to the side for now. Let it go and give it to God, your higher power, spirit guide or whatever you call it. Everyone goes through stressful periods. You can do this.
Posted 02-24-2017 at 06:04 AM by barefootgirl barefootgirl is offline
My offer stands. Come to Toronto. I promise you, you'll feel like yourself again. Superman, we can move him into a separate room!
Posted 03-23-2017 at 10:04 AM by Enigma77 Enigma77 is offline
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