Warning..vent in progress

Ok, I just need to vent for a bit so bear with me.

First off, I know I don't have control over a lot of things, bu they still stress me out.

my mom has a coronary anyuerisim, and is dying, she refuses to have it fixed.
and yes a simple surgery is all it would take to ensure she sees her grandaughters graduate high school.
She won' do it though.
she says her life has ben lived, and shes ready to go.
she has also told me she wants me to bury her heart here at the ranch.
and then she is to b creamated and buried next to her second husband in arizona.


my uncle was born with cerebral palsy,
it causes him to have seizures,it has also caused him tobecome paralyzed onthe right half of his body.
he has one of the worst cases of osteoporosis ever seen.
on fall could shater a bone to the point where surgery would be required to fix it.
he is having far too many seizures for anyones comfort.
the seizures have killed off a great deal of brain cells, he now has the mentality of a 12 year old, and each seizure steals a lil bit more from him.
imseriously scared that hes onhis last leg of life.
he is having way too many seizures, his balance is off, and hes losing way too much weight.

My 8 year old has ADHD and PTSD frm her father beating the crap out of me in front of her, and from having the crap beaten out of her as well.
I am trying to get her on meds for the ADHD, and she is in counceling for the PTSD.
some days I just have to grit my teth and bear it, and remember to keep the sharp and hard stuff put up, once she has an episode,
she goes off and picks up anything and everything and throws it.

my 10 Year old daughter was molested at school.
When I say molested, I mean as in he stuck his hands down her pants, fingered her, groped her ass fondled her breasts, kissed her, forced her to hold hands etc.
the boy is only 10 as well.
the school knew about this ongoing problem for 6 weeks, and felt that last friday was a good time to tell me that this issue was not being resolved.
i mean for gods sake they stood there and watched it hapen and did nothing to stop it!

my 2 year ol is constantly crying for her daddy.
grab my keys to go run a quick errand, she looks at me and says " you gonna get my daddy?"
her " daddy" is my ex, he is even her real father.
her donor found out i was pregnant, and told me he was gonna stick by my side,
until he found out that there was a 95 percent chance of her being born sick.
then he booked.
I was told when i was 4 months along that there was a 98 percent chance that she would be born with a condition called trisomy 18.
its a 3rd number 18 chromesome.
no one knows what causes it, its not hereditary, and it effects more girls than boys.
it brings a host of problems,including a very high infant mortailty rate.
i was told by my docors to terminate my pregnancy.
i tried talking to him, but he had all but dissapeared off the face of the earth.
so i stresed the rest of my pregnancy by myself.
when she was born healthy and normal,
he refused a DNA test, saying it wasnt is.
now he refuses to stand in one place long enough to do a mouth swab.

im still having nightmares on a daily basis,
watching my family, freinds and children disembowled on a nightly basis is beginning to wear a bit thin on my nerves.
i cant take drugs for it, that just allows me to slip deeper into the nightmare.
I try ad take shots of jack before bed so I can sleep halfway passed out.
at least if i work myself into a nice coma,
i dont remember them much.
i know i been haing nightmares, i wake up drenched in sweat an breathing way to heavy for sleeping.
i remember snippets of them,
the bodies laying on the table, me tied down, unable to move, and the " things"
with their long dagger like teeth, biting into their abdomens, feasting on their intestines, hearing their laughter and the screams of pain and fear, unable to move or help.

ok, i think im done now.
sorry, im just slightly stressed.