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i am getting to the end of my ropes with this damn neck injury and the depression ...i have thought of quitting work ,sitting on the couch and let life pass me by ..but i cant do that because i have a family ...the pain is taking over my life ..the medication keeps me level but at the same time ,i am not sexually aroused ,where as before my depression i was a horny son of a penis handler ...now i find it hard to get and maintain a erection ,thank god momma is patient with me ,i wouldnt blame her for cheating on me ...i stumble around my days ,lost ,feeling alone ...other than work i cant even step out the door without momma holding my hand ...sure everyone says it will get better ..maybe ,i sure cant see it right now ...the thing that really pisses me off is when people tell me ,oh ive had a pinched nerve in my neck ,yeh it hurts ..FUCK THAT ...this is a 1000 times worse ..i want to punch people like that ...

i had a thought the other day ...lately they dont come too often ...

i started getting tattoos about two years ago ..about the same time i lost my dad and best friend ...i think i have so many because i enjoy the pain ...it takes the voices out of my head for at least a few hours ...

i have thought of hurting myself when the depression is really bad ..not killing myself,but maybe beating my head against the door ...as i sit here the pain sits with me on one side and the depression on the other ..my constant best friend ...

people tell me i dont smile often or laugh ..to tell u the truth ,,,im afraid to laugh ...i might not be able to stop ...seriously ...thats how afraid i am ...

ok i gotta stop for now ...i am getting that feeling on my gut ..the anixiety of trying to type out words ...shit ...i need a pill
Old

just me

Posted 02-20-2009 at 01:09 AM by hoss
been awhile since i have been here ..i have pretty well shut everyone out of my life ...i am depressed ,in pain and am afraid to go anywhere by myself ..the family is my refuge ,the baby almost a year old ...i sit at home and try to enjoy what i can ...work is threatning my job ,lawyers and doctors cant come to a descion on whats wrong with me ...i miss coming here ..i miss the friends i have here...

people worry about me ..i worry about me ...dont worry im not suicidal ...boy i get...
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Old

meds

Posted 07-30-2008 at 11:54 PM by hoss
went to the Doc today ...am now taking a 25mg pain patch ...have to take meds for the upset tummy and dizziness ...and now i take a pill to keep me awake ...the patch makes me very fatigued ...i go back iin 2 weeks for a check up ....

i go on tues for 4 hours of Psych tests and then 8 hours on the 14th ....

thank God for the kids and Momma ....

Baby sat up by himself today ...5 months old ...

one day at a time ...i will get through this ...
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Old

tat

Posted 07-20-2008 at 02:40 AM by hoss
really sore today from my new tattos;..think im going to sllep the nite away ...baby is fed ,changed and had a bath ,,,hes smiling and smelling freash,,,,had to work this mornign and son has to go to work tommorow....so another busy day ....
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sleep

Posted 07-17-2008 at 11:15 PM by hoss
i was looking through the camera today and it seems Momma and my son have been having fun with me ...the sleeping pill i take can sometimes knock me right out ..they thought it would be funny to lay me on the bed and take a pic of my bare ass....

im afraid i fail to see the humor ....
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