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Ironing Out the Wrinkles

Posted 12-06-2008 at 11:48 AM by Heart
I am getting nervous the closer it is for my husband to come home for his rest and relaxation from his deployment. He will be home for about 13 days. I do not anticipate any violence. Man, that sounds awful. I dislike the "V" word immensly, and I definately do not like placing it in the same context as my family.

Now, I know many get angry when I say this but as long as I keep my mouth shut and do not push his buttons I should be fine. However, on the flip side, if things go well for the 13 days then I can see him try to talk me into not separating.

I'll cave I bet. That is my largest fear is that I'll give up because it is easier to stay. But then I go against the grain of my beliefs. I do NOT endorce couples staying for the sake of the children. Of course every situation is different but kids are sponges and they know when things go on. They know when one parent is hurting another. They know when things are not right in the house. They may not understand cheating but they know things are not the same. It hurts them seeing families stay together just as much as it hurts them watching them separate. I feel like I'm a cucumber that hasn't been cut yet for the pickle jar.

I've been thinking back to all of the stuff that has happened in our marriage. I can barely remember the happy times. Of course my children's births were happy for me. Although, my husband hurt me deeply the day our son was born. I try not to remember that and focus on the joy of bringing him into the world but at times the sadness creeps in. It infuriates me that at times my husband's actions and attitude ends up sucking away at my happiness leaving sad, bitter, and deflated thoughts.

I didn't realize how much physical abuse I have been through. Of course it doesn't surmount what other women go through on a daily basis. My heart goes out to them and I wish I could be a friend to all of them and help them remove themselves from the abuse. I've had it more than several times in the past 7 going on 8 years. I've been kicked down to the ground and kicked some more. I've been in a chokehold many times. He loves to back me in the corner and scare the shit out of me. I shouldn't say he loves to do it because I'm not sure if he derives joy from that but it is a stance that usually happens while he is "proving a point". My nose feels pain often. It is my constant reminder of the blood he caused me to shed one of evening. I think that is the hardest thing for my brain to wrap around. A person that is supposed to love me unconditionally caused my blood to pour out of my nose. I think this is what keeps me going in the separation thought process. But then I think of all the crap I'll go through with him during this process and wonder "WTF! How can I do this? He's won and I'll stay and I have GOT to learn to not push his buttons". And then I get PISSED at myself because I am not living my beliefs.

I refuse to sit her and think of the rest of the abuse because I will never heal if I continue to think of it. But one thing that scares me is the continued push and pull of sex with him. I serioiusly do not understand what happened between us right after our marriage but that is when our sex life became a disaster. It was only on his terms. Everything about sex was when he wanted it and how he wanted it. And if he didn't want me but wanted to masturbate in our bed after rejecting me then he was okay with that while I cried silently. We would go MONTHS without physical contact. And during the same time period I would go months with nothing but rejection. My self esteem plummeted. I can sit here and lay it all out step by step but it is so damned hurtful. He's been really rough with me in the bedroom. There were times I couldn't wear a bra because he bit and sucked so hard on my nipples that one actually turned black. I begged him to stop and he refused. I've put myself in stupid places because I'd be so happy he'd finally want me and then he would get so rough that I would want him to stop but if I asked him I knew he'd get mad and either get rougher or stop completely and wouldn't touch me for many months again. It was a constant guessing game. And then he raped me about the last time he was home. He point blank told me he didn't care that I didn't want to and proceeded to continue.

So....now I'm terrified when he comes home. I do not want to have sex with him. And then I'll look like the bitch because I'm the one with holding sex from a military man who's been without for so long. Truthfully, we won't know if he's been without but of course we all would like to feel our spouses are not cheating.

This blog was supposed to help me iron OUT the wrinkles...but I think that I just added a few more in.
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Comments

Old
scoobertina's Avatar
As a retiree I know your husband can be put in jail for abusing you... if you are documenting these things it would be easier however I don't think you are doing that.. you need to keep the base police phone number close at hand.. the next time he abuses you you need to call them.. I retired as an E-7 and let me tell you one thing... you need to do something.. if you don't.. it won't stop.. it is my job, no matter what branch to advise you to put a stop to it.. and it is not my place to help you do it.. but I won't sit back idly while it happens.. the military does NOT support abusers...

I also have to tell you I am a victim of abuse.. I was abused as a child... not as bad as some of the abuse I have seen.. and I had a wonderful, caring mother who was my lifeline.. if it wasn't for her strength I would not be the person I am today...
Posted 12-07-2008 at 08:54 AM by scoobertina scoobertina is offline
Old
Chip's Avatar
I agree with scoober 100%. Aside from whether or not he is breaking UCMJ or may face military criminal charges, there is no doubt that by striking you at all...he is breaking local law. You should not tolerate that behavior for one second and should immediately call the police if it happens. Just something to think about, the violent behavior is HIS problem and issue, not yours. You should not feel responsible nor regretful for wanting to protect yourself and children from him…in fact, it’s your responsibility…
Posted 12-07-2008 at 11:39 AM by Chip Chip is offline
Updated 12-07-2008 at 11:42 AM by Chip (remove formatting tags)
 
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