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Where Does Sorrow Live?

Posted 06-04-2016 at 06:35 PM by katydid
I should make all my blogs private. I may do that. Sometimes I just have to say things and they don't fit in "What Are You Thinking?" or "What Made You Smile Today?"

I said before my dad died, but what I didn't know until today was that he had died two weeks before my brother told me. It is not enough that I didn't have the chance to maybe whisper into his ear through the phone "I love you." It is also that I wouldn't have had the chance because two weeks later is a little late to be whispering things into your dying father's ear.

My brother does not know anything about my current circumstances so it wasn't out of kindness that he had my dad's body cremated before I was there. Or, even that he would have known I couldn't afford a trip to see my dying father before he was gone.

Why does this make me so sad? That maybe my father asked for these things? That my brother decided it was in my father's best interest for me not to have the chance to say "I love you" one last time. Wish him luck on his journey.

This was my father. It seems silly to say this, but he was my father all my life. He pulled my first tooth out, stayed up with me when I had mumps, watched me graduate, saw my children right after they were born, loved my kids unabashedly, we mourned the loss of my mother.

I guess it didn't hit me until now all the different ways I could have said goodbye or knew him during his last years, but didn't. He could have watched the A's play with me (with me knowing nothing). We could have gone over the horse dailies. We could have simply sat together in silence.

When my mother died, a giant piece of me died as well. I always thought to myself, rightly or wrongly, when my dad goes it won't leave such a hole in my heart. And, I guess that is true. But, what I didn't know was that it would leave some sort of hole in my heart.

When my brother first told me my father died, I barely responded. But, when I saw the obituary today and noticed the two weeks my brother kept this to himself, it crushed me. He was my father too. He loved me also. I meant something to him. I was worth something in his heart.

I am getting tired of my own blogging, but I don't know where this goes. Where does sorrow go if you don't write it down? If you have no one to share it with? I don't have anywhere else to put it. And, I hope you don't think you must read what I blog. Because this is for me. This one is all for me.
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OneFineDay's Avatar
... and this hug is all for you . Because you're worth it. Because you are special in the way of deliberating things between your head and your heart. And writing it down in a way so we as your readers and friends can follow the arguments and find ourselves in them.

Here comes another with the deep wish it could be given in person. Maybe one day in heaven it will. Along with a kiss . I'm sure all the angels would give a thumbs up ...
Posted 06-05-2016 at 02:07 AM by OneFineDay OneFineDay is offline
 
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