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Racing Thoughts

Posted 01-16-2009 at 07:14 PM by Heart
My mind is going 1000 thoughts a minute today. I cannot seem to focus on just one thing. I'm really not feeling well today so perhaps that is contributing to my mind feeling all wacky.

I have so many unanswered questions and I'm fighting the urge to feel the need to have my answers right NOW at this SECOND! I know it is surprising to some that I can be a bit impatient (yes, that was sarcasim).

Some of my questions that won't shut up are:

1. Am I really strong enough to pull off this divorce?

2. How can I make ends meet? I worked on the figures today and started crying feeling hopeless and ill at ease.

3. Are you sure there is that so called strength everyone seems to say that I have in my body? WHERE?!

4. Will I be the mother that my kids need me to be?

5. Can I truly handle this change? Am I up to the challenge?

6. Is being single and lonely different from being married and lonely?

7. Will I ever trust again?

8. Do I ever want to trust again?

9. Will a man ever want to touch me after knowing that one secret?

10. Will I ever truly love myself?

11. Am I needy?

12. Will I ever find the romance I've been craving all of my life? Will I ever truly be someone's princess?

Sometimes I wonder where my maturity lies. At times I'm not taken seriously and I want to be taken seriously but I sabotage myself because it is scary to let people in to see the real me. I think my blogs are more of the "real me" than many people ever see on a day to day basis. I'm a little more serious and thought provoking than I seem in person. The sense of humor is still the same. I hide primarily behind humor and mock stupidity.

But none of that changes the fact that I'm dying to know the answers to these questions. I feel like a fish out of water. I feel out of my element. I read in a comment that I need to find me. I'm on that road and I've been following it diligently. Perhaps what I have NOT done is follow it to my hobbies. Picking up my hobbies again so that it will keep my mind busy and not so full of unanswered questions that I know will not be answered. The only way these questions can be fully and completly answered is through time.

I have to let time heal my wounds. I have to let time and forgiveness cover my scars and patch my heart so that the forgiveness can make a home. Without any of this I will not see the answers to my questions. I hate that I forget this tidbit of information that is so vital to this process that I'm going through.

I want to be held and my hair stroked while someone whispers, "It is okay baby. You are going to be okay. That is a promise." You know how I am about promises...and this is one promise that can be long as I remember to give time a chance, forgiveness a home, and cut myself some slack.

I have a voicemail on my phone of someone reminding me of how sexy, intelligent, witty, and articulate I am. I find myself listening to that message several times because it is a profound reminder of who I am and that someone actually sees this in me.

Sometimes we all need reminders on how others see us. It is good for our soul to share this information and to receive this information.

I encourage you to do just that and I hope that you are also the recipient of meaningful words that help you take a step back in your unanswered life and say, "Hey, I'm going to be okay. Remember it is just one day at a time. And time will heal and find a home for the forgiveness so that you may be set free."
Total Comments 3


Tndream's Avatar
Inhale, hold for 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and exhale.
I know you are about to leave your comfort zone,
but this is no time for self doubt.
If you start doubting yourself, you will second guess yourself in everthing and you will eventually cause yourself to fail.
This is not who you are, you are not a quitter,
you are not a failure.
You wil do what needs to be done to make sure your children are always taken care of.
True you may not be able to get them the hottest toys next christmas, but, you will have a place to cal your own, and I know you wil have at least a window box garden.
You will find out a lot about yourself once your divorce is finalized.
What matters most is the journey, not the destination.
You will have a bit of a bumpy path ahead, but eventually the road crews will get there and fix the odd bump now and again.

Oh, do yourself a favor, and I can not urge you strongly enough to do this.
Call your local human servies office,
ask for a list of resources in your area.
rent and utility assitance etc.
you may need it to get the lights and gas on at your new place., maybe even help with the security deposit.
You will find lots of help there, and if they can't help you,
they may know someone who does.
And do not let that silly pride in your way, got it?
trust me honey, this may be a way to help you make ends meet until the road crew gets to your neck of the woods.
been 10 years for me babe, I have been down your road,
I know whats ahead.
And I will always be here for you.
love ya!

Posted 01-17-2009 at 11:23 AM by Tndream Tndream is offline
Musclecandycane's Avatar
We don't know eachother and a little slogan never changed everything but they help. When there's something I think about accomplishing anything worthwhile. Something a leader said to me once. "If you aren't hitting roadblocks you just aren't trying hard enough."

Life just doesn't prepare you for it specificaly as an entire task. It's exhillerating and horrible all at once. Remember that you are fighting for what most people in your situation don't have so you Have to tread where others are not willing to go.

You can eat the elephant but only one bite at a time. Put it in to seperate tasks and track each task.

You can do it. You are doing it.
Posted 12-01-2011 at 06:45 PM by Musclecandycane Musclecandycane is offline
IshMahn86's Avatar
Divorce is a tough thing and it is the hardest on the children. I know, because my mother left my brother and I when I was 2. My father remarried twice and both times ended up in divorce and just when we thought we had a secure home, had to move back with our grandparents. Just let your children know of course you love them, but you will allways be there for them and no matter their ages explain to their best ability whats happening. For the rest of what yourdealing with, one day at a time. It can be so overwhelming, been through it twice. Good luck!
Posted 02-08-2013 at 09:57 AM by IshMahn86 IshMahn86 is offline
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