The Final Goodbye
Iíve been here, off and on, a long time, but years ago I met ďthe oneĒ. We started out the usual way, PMs, then chatting off-site, but I didnít let him get too close or take him very seriously. I was involved with someone else at the time; he knew that, so we just chatted, got to know each other. Even after my relationship ended, I still wasnít very eager to get involved with anyone. But after a time, things just progressed and we became very close. I was still playing around on the site but I always navigated back to him. His patience and understanding was solid and ongoing. He knew I was a mess; I was newly divorced, going through a lot of emotional stuff, blah blah blah. He waited.
But then something strange happened, strange and unbelievably wonderful. What started out as friendship grew to love. I know that sounds crazy, but it IS possible, and it DID happen for us. We chatted and talked every day, for over 7 years. Thatís longer than my first marriage and half as long as my second! We were together through career changes, my new relationship, health stuff, births, deaths, etc. He didnít care if I played with others, because he knew it was just for fun, that he was the keeper of my heart. He was someone that I truly respected and admired, the things he overcame, the way he continuously bettered himself. He always made me feel beautiful and smart, although his education far surpassed mine.
I started this new job on a Thursday, so we didnít get to chat much because I was not alone. On Friday it was the same thing, I wasnít alone, but snuck in a few messages. When I got home from work, I saw his ďsign offĒ for the day, so I returned the messages and went about my weekend. On Monday, there was no good morning message, not overly concerning, maybe he took a sick day. On Tuesday, still nothing. I sent him an offline and was a bit concerned, but not enough to start freaking out. On Wednesday there was still no word from him. NOW Iím worried!! I logged onto Facebook (we werenít ďfriends but I knew where to find him). Then I saw it, the obituary, all of the condolence messages to his family. My entire body turned cold, I started shaking as I sat there in stunned disbelief. I read every message, every news article, watched every video tribute. Heíd been killed in an accident on Friday. In fact, according to the news, he died at almost the exact same time I sent my final message that day.
The thing that gets me is his final message ďI have to jump off early today, Iíll be back if I can. I love youĒ. I do not ever recall him using the phrase ďIíll be back if I canĒ in all of the years we talked. Usually when we said goodbye on Friday, we didnít get an opportunity to talk again until Monday. That phrase haunts me, if I let it.
Hell is not being able to openly grieve. Not being able to explain why my eyes are blood shot from crying, why Iím on edge and emotional. There were only a couple of people from here that knew about him and I, and I did reach out to them because I was so lost and broken (thank you by the way). I tortured myself every day by re-reading our conversations and e-mails, looking at our pictures, reading the cards he sent me.
They say time marches on, and I guess they are right. Iím healing, slowly but surely, although heíll always have a piece of my heart. Iím angry because heís gone, but so damned thankful he was in my life for as long as he was. He taught me so much, about life, about myself and we had a lot of fun over the years. So this is my final goodbye to you my love, Iíll never forget you, I couldnít if I tried.