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Second guessing

Posted 07-11-2018 at 09:21 AM by Just A Girl
I constantly second guess myself. Some of it is a character flaw. Parts of it are the scars left from the many narcissists I've encountered in my life.
I've been doing some reading lately on the characteristics of a narcissist. Mostly because that word is used a lot and I wanted a more solid definition.
I've decided that my Dad, as much as I adored the man was a text book narcissist. When my parents were married and subsequently divorced, my family would always say "he'd give the shirt off his back to a stranger but he won't take care of his family". I knew this to be true. He'd literally leave us without money for bills while he strutted around with a new car, new boots, a new gun or he'd go around playing Robin Hood to other people while we were getting food from the food pantry.
I loved my Dad. More than I've ever loved any guy, well apart from my bubba. After my parents divorced and he was an absentee Dad, I'd wonder what I did wrong that kept him away. If I told him how badly it hurt me when he made promises he never kept, he'd go dark or silent and I'd not hear from him for months.
Unfortunately, these first lessons have painted the path for almost every relationship I've ever had. I more often than not choose to keep silent about the things that bother me just for the sake of keeping the peace. I've accepted less than I deserve for the sake of having that person in my life. When I do finally stand up for myself, I'm often left wondering if I did the right thing. Did I overreact? Should I have just kept quiet?
I don't know why the morsels people tend to give me is more acceptable than the aftermath of speaking my truth. I'm trying very hard at 44 to change this behavior but it leaves me questioning myself and feeling insecure, even when i KNOW I'm not wrong or crazy.
If you've read this far, thank you. I never thought I was the girl with daddy issues but I'm pretty sure there's a seat for me at that table.
Total Comments 2


gabrielle22's Avatar
I feel ya so hard on this.

Someone once asked me " if they treated your bestie they way they are treating you, would you be ok with that?"

I still find it hard to stand for myself but I will scorch the earth for a friend. I need to be a friend to myself.

Hugs woman. You're worth so much more than crumbs.
Posted 07-11-2018 at 12:37 PM by gabrielle22 gabrielle22 is offline
southernboy's Avatar
Powerful stuff JaG. It’s crazy how influential parents can be, and sometimes in a good way or a bad one. I don’t have a good relationship with my dad simply because it always seemed like the things I did were never good enough.

It’s tough when we feel like we’ve settled for less, but you’ve come this far. And by all accounts it seems you’re an awesome mom. Just keep going.
Posted 07-31-2018 at 04:05 PM by southernboy southernboy is offline
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