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The Final Goodbye

Posted 12-02-2017 at 08:49 PM by disturbiagirl
Updated 12-02-2017 at 08:51 PM by disturbiagirl
Iíve been here, off and on, a long time, but years ago I met ďthe oneĒ. We started out the usual way, PMs, then chatting off-site, but I didnít let him get too close or take him very seriously. I was involved with someone else at the time; he knew that, so we just chatted, got to know each other. Even after my relationship ended, I still wasnít very eager to get involved with anyone. But after a time, things just progressed and we became very close. I was still playing around on the site but I always navigated back to him. His patience and understanding was solid and ongoing. He knew I was a mess; I was newly divorced, going through a lot of emotional stuff, blah blah blah. He waited.

But then something strange happened, strange and unbelievably wonderful. What started out as friendship grew to love. I know that sounds crazy, but it IS possible, and it DID happen for us. We chatted and talked every day, for over 7 years. Thatís longer than my first marriage and half as long as my second! We were together through career changes, my new relationship, health stuff, births, deaths, etc. He didnít care if I played with others, because he knew it was just for fun, that he was the keeper of my heart. He was someone that I truly respected and admired, the things he overcame, the way he continuously bettered himself. He always made me feel beautiful and smart, although his education far surpassed mine.

I started this new job on a Thursday, so we didnít get to chat much because I was not alone. On Friday it was the same thing, I wasnít alone, but snuck in a few messages. When I got home from work, I saw his ďsign offĒ for the day, so I returned the messages and went about my weekend. On Monday, there was no good morning message, not overly concerning, maybe he took a sick day. On Tuesday, still nothing. I sent him an offline and was a bit concerned, but not enough to start freaking out. On Wednesday there was still no word from him. NOW Iím worried!! I logged onto Facebook (we werenít ďfriends but I knew where to find him). Then I saw it, the obituary, all of the condolence messages to his family. My entire body turned cold, I started shaking as I sat there in stunned disbelief. I read every message, every news article, watched every video tribute. Heíd been killed in an accident on Friday. In fact, according to the news, he died at almost the exact same time I sent my final message that day.

The thing that gets me is his final message ďI have to jump off early today, Iíll be back if I can. I love youĒ. I do not ever recall him using the phrase ďIíll be back if I canĒ in all of the years we talked. Usually when we said goodbye on Friday, we didnít get an opportunity to talk again until Monday. That phrase haunts me, if I let it.

Hell is not being able to openly grieve. Not being able to explain why my eyes are blood shot from crying, why Iím on edge and emotional. There were only a couple of people from here that knew about him and I, and I did reach out to them because I was so lost and broken (thank you by the way). I tortured myself every day by re-reading our conversations and e-mails, looking at our pictures, reading the cards he sent me.

They say time marches on, and I guess they are right. Iím healing, slowly but surely, although heíll always have a piece of my heart. Iím angry because heís gone, but so damned thankful he was in my life for as long as he was. He taught me so much, about life, about myself and we had a lot of fun over the years. So this is my final goodbye to you my love, Iíll never forget you, I couldnít if I tried.
Total Comments 18


redcat's Avatar
I know how painful this was for you to write, DG. As he always was, he'd be proud of you today for how you are coping and going on. I know you'll remember the times you had and the love you shared; don't ever forget he's still with you.

Posted 12-02-2017 at 09:58 PM by redcat redcat is offline
wayneypoo's Avatar
that is one hell of a unbelievable tragically sad outcome I truly feel for you .
Posted 12-03-2017 at 04:12 PM by wayneypoo wayneypoo is offline
bryan3636's Avatar
Posted 12-03-2017 at 08:09 PM by bryan3636 bryan3636 is offline
Stew's Avatar
wow, so sorry to hear sincere condolences
Posted 12-03-2017 at 08:11 PM by Stew Stew is offline
hijiller's Avatar
My biggest nightmare ..for someone I care for online to disappear. My sympathy to you. There is actually a website that active online persons can register, and if they don't check in regularly, the site will contact a designated friend.

Many people have major online presenses, but their real life friends and family are ignorant of it. But the online friends feel real grief and don't know what happened.

Hugs to you.
Posted 12-03-2017 at 08:26 PM by hijiller hijiller is offline
Iceburn's Avatar
That was such a sad read DG ..and absolutely the most horrifying way to find out about someone's passing..especially someone you had come to love over the years.

My heart hurts knowing your grief and sadness,,and also the anger and frustration it inevitably caused.

Many hugs to dear friend
Posted 12-04-2017 at 04:55 AM by Iceburn Iceburn is offline
gabrielle22's Avatar
No words. Big big hugs.
Posted 12-04-2017 at 10:10 AM by gabrielle22 gabrielle22 is offline
gdgrl's Avatar
I have a huge fear of that happening.....Regardless of how they came into your heart, losing someone sucks.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you though for sharing that with us.
Posted 12-04-2017 at 01:26 PM by gdgrl gdgrl is offline
ByronBay's Avatar
Oh my gosh. My heart goes out to you. Treasure the special memories you have of this special man. So sorry to hear this- it must be utterly heartbreaking for you x
Posted 12-04-2017 at 05:52 PM by ByronBay ByronBay is offline
SunnyD's Avatar
I'm so sorry for you and your loss! It's strange in the online world "things" usually develop faster, but the healing and recovery takes so much longer "because" you don't have an outlet. Don't do that to yourself.. continue to share your memories and thoughts here where you can celebrate what you had. HUGS
Posted 12-05-2017 at 12:27 PM by SunnyD SunnyD is offline
Sensual Woman's Avatar
DG, I am so sorry this happened. I have posted about a friend that died 4 1/2 years ago. I couldn’t openly grieve for him either. For months I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I would hide when it became too much to bear and sob, telling people it was allergies. I never got to say goodbye. I am glad you are slowly starting to heal. I am here if you ever want to talk.
Posted 12-06-2017 at 08:58 PM by Sensual Woman Sensual Woman is offline
DomesticDiva's Avatar
I am so deeply sorry for your loss.
Posted 12-08-2017 at 09:29 PM by DomesticDiva DomesticDiva is offline
Alpheius's Avatar
If there is an afterlife, I'm sure he would be smiling at you. What a wonderful tribute to him.
Posted 12-09-2017 at 01:50 AM by Alpheius Alpheius is offline
hikergeek's Avatar
Oh wow, I am very sorry that this has happened. I hope you can eventually heal. I can only offer hugs for your loss but you have my best wishes.
Posted 12-13-2017 at 10:16 PM by hikergeek hikergeek is offline
This is such a heartbreaking thing you have had happened. Im truly sorry..
Posted 12-16-2017 at 03:19 PM by leggy leggy is offline
OneFineDay's Avatar
I just read that now, such a heartbreaking experience ! I hope that this spring will turn into a wonderful new life for you although mother nature is not on the same page yet !

Posted 03-28-2018 at 03:37 PM by OneFineDay OneFineDay is offline
Atrebla Rose's Avatar
hugs to you and thank you for sharing!
Posted 09-08-2018 at 08:49 PM by Atrebla Rose Atrebla Rose is offline
OneFineDay's Avatar
Never cease to be so damned thankful, and let the memories give you a smile, knowing this is what he would want to see ...
Posted 02-02-2019 at 06:46 AM by OneFineDay OneFineDay is offline
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