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Balancing act...

Posted 06-03-2011 at 12:08 PM by southernboy
So I've been here for a few weeks now, and I think I'm getting the hang of this place. And i've come to realize that people are here for a variety of reasons.

Mine: to get the attention and flirting that is lacking at home. I don't think I'm here to find my next wife, or my future soulmate... I'm here to explore, find myself, and have a bit of fun.

However, it's been difficult to find that balance (not my word... one of my friends' on here), but it fits the bill. It's a bit difficult for someone so new, because it's just a plethora of temptation and hotness on the site. Similar to winning a million bucks, and then going to buy everything u ever wanted... without anyone's guidance.

I;m trying to balance the time spent on here, vs. the time I could be productive or work on my marriage (which I have undoubtedly tried).

But the biggest balance is the dilemma between finding personal happiness or making those you love happy. I'm a father, and first and foremost, my kids are my world. Whatever I can do to make them happy I will do. Second, as much as I want to deny it, I'm not happy in the marriage that I said "I Do" to.

So the question I have: At what point does personal happiness (filling that void with friendships and connections online) trump the happiness of others?

Any thoughts?
Total Comments 14


This is an interesting question. I think we try to use our adult intelligence and experiences and act accordingly, though; because there is so much going on here it almost blindsides us. We end up finding we develop strong attractions because everything is different and enticing. Attractions and connections here happen because we are human. And we all know it takes will power to resist as well as strength of character, self control and common sense. However, we still find ourselves led into temptation along with futile daydreaming. But, in my own mind I tell myself that our time here can be short, and rapport between individuals however brief, is sweet and rare. Surely anything that makes us more acutely aware of another person or arouses some really great feelings isn't all bad. For me, it makes me feel something, and makes me more capable of understand and caring about my "real life".....
Posted 06-03-2011 at 01:00 PM by Savvyone. Savvyone. is offline
DomesticDiva's Avatar
well said Savvy....

It's a wonderful addiction, filled with many long as you realize your priorities and give the right amount of time to the "real life" then you'll be fine....I remember that shiny newness too...It can be consuming...I think you'll do well darlin!
Posted 06-03-2011 at 01:21 PM by DomesticDiva DomesticDiva is offline
southernboy's Avatar
Thanks Savvy and DD... I know where my priorities are... it's just that balance that's tricky.
Posted 06-03-2011 at 02:19 PM by southernboy southernboy is offline
sassynsweet's Avatar
While I don't have kids of my own, I am a child that grew up with unhappy parents. Dad was an alcoholic.. and mom worked way too hard to take care and raise 4 kids. The lessons I learned about relationships growing up are very hard to break free from. I learned that I can't trust myself "no, honey, nothing's wrong.. go back to bed". What I saw and heard with my own eyes and ears had to be dismissed because I loved and trusted my parents. People think kids don't really know what's going on... I'm here to tell you they DO. We felt the tension, heard the raised voices late at night behind the closed doors, saw the looks passed between them. But we were told all was ok, so this became the "normal" for us.. the life to seek and achieve for ourselves when we grew up, because it was what we were comfortable with.

Sorry.. I get carried away when people suggest they stay together for the kids. In some cases.. it's still a good thing.. when the adults can learn to be adults and remember, ALWAYS, that they are teaching their children about relationships, and the lessons today will stay with them for a lifetime. Think hard .. work hard.. to show them what a good relationship should look like. Try to show them the kind of relationship you want them to find when the time comes!
Posted 06-03-2011 at 05:48 PM by sassynsweet sassynsweet is offline
Updated 06-03-2011 at 05:50 PM by sassynsweet
cometuli's Avatar
I think it is impossible to have both love and peace. To me, having a marriage and kids is peace, I know that. But love... I do not know. I just sometimes miss that days when I fell in love.
Posted 06-04-2011 at 02:13 AM by cometuli cometuli is offline
southernboy's Avatar
I think you make a good point Sassy, and I appreciate your honesty. Trust me that if there was fighting or anything that would outwardly appear to my children that something is wrong, I would step in and we would get some professional help.

But it's not in my nature to drink, abuse, or do anything that would make an unhappy home for my kids.

I'm primarily the type that bottles the emotions and holds my unhappiness and frustration on the inside. But even that takes a toll.
Posted 06-04-2011 at 08:17 AM by southernboy southernboy is offline
Jelly's Avatar
As much as we want to make our children happy ... can we really do that if we aren't happy first?? Take care of YOU.. the rest will follow
Posted 06-04-2011 at 08:18 AM by Jelly Jelly is offline
Drafthouse's Avatar
I like your blog entry, and I have asked similar questions of myself although I have framed your question in slightly different terms. Like you, I have small children who mean the world to me. Probably like you, I have a wife that I do love, but she is also a suckubus (a person who drains all the life forces, creative energy, and passion out of you). In other words, marriage is suppose to make you happier and better. But, your marriage instead makes you sad and sick.

So, like you, I came here as well. Reading between the lines, this is an issue regarding children (although, it could be other things like societal concerns and/or money considerations). After all, if you have a bad week and you have no children together, any man with common sense would get out. So, I get the problem, you want to be involved in your children's life full-time, and you need to stay in the marriage in order for that to happen. So, what do we do?

So, in my situation, I am not really trying to answer the question you pose. Rather, I am trying to bridge the happiness of my children with my own personal happiness all against the backdrop of my wife's feelings and her societal expections. So, what I think I have been doing here on this site is trying to essentially explore and work out what people would call "responsible non-monogomy." (whether it be emotional or physical intimacy with someone outside the marriage). In other words, i am trying to find other people outside marriage who make you happy and I am trying to find enjoyment with other people without embarassing my wife. Essentially, my wife knows that this marriage is making me die a little more inside each day. However, if I find fullfillment with others, while not embarrassing her, she is probably fine with that. So, I guess my answer to your question is that your question cannot be answered. So, if you are sticking around for the children, just find a way to get as much happiness without embarrasing your wife.
Posted 06-08-2011 at 01:24 AM by Drafthouse Drafthouse is offline
justlooking7669's Avatar
Thank you for allowing me (us) a snapshot into your life. I, myself have been struggling very much with the last paragraph in this blog. I have been contemplating exactly when that line is drawn that divides your happiness and those you so deeply love. I'm getting very close to that line and some days I'm over it and other days its the furthest thing from my mind. But we will ever know if we can let our happiness trump others? That might just be debatable as to whether the chicken came first or the egg.

Thank you
Posted 09-24-2013 at 08:13 PM by justlooking7669 justlooking7669 is offline
Doctor Dreamy 50's Avatar
If you are unhappy , your family will realize it and also be unhappy. Stay positive about life and enjoy it while you can.
Posted 09-06-2014 at 04:10 PM by Doctor Dreamy 50 Doctor Dreamy 50 is offline
redwing's Avatar
uhmm this is like 3 years old... I think there's a good chance he's happy now
Posted 09-07-2014 at 12:04 AM by redwing redwing is offline
hijiller's Avatar
He had a good sense of humor, but no staying power. Cute, too.
Posted 09-07-2014 at 09:18 AM by hijiller hijiller is offline
Doctor Dreamy 50's Avatar
I limit my time on here. The best thing to do is do not let this site cause you to lose sleep. I was getting up at night to check PMs . Not any more. Lack of sleep will cause you to get depressed and leave this site.
Posted 09-15-2014 at 07:49 AM by Doctor Dreamy 50 Doctor Dreamy 50 is offline
Atrebla Rose's Avatar
Well Sir, it has been 7 years since you asked that question. What are your thoughts now?
Posted 09-12-2018 at 09:03 PM by Atrebla Rose Atrebla Rose is offline
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