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I am going to give this blogging thing a try......

I have been abused, beaten, raped, neglected, tortured and hurt but not broken. That is not who I am though. I will not let that define who I am. I may come across as sappy and nice, too nice to some. That is ok by me. That is who I choose to be. I have the dark dark cloud deep inside me, and I choose everyday not to let it out, but fight it with sunshine. How do you feel after 5 days of dark clouds, and no sun! Pretty damn grouchy! And the sun comes out, bammo wammo the world is right again! Seeing others laugh and smile is what makes me happy.

I will admit, the sarcasm is lost on me. I don't know maybe it was one of the things beaten out of me. I want to be the person people feel comfortable being around, not the one people are scare of because a wet blanket was just thrown over them. I am grateful to be alive, and I want to spread that around. Every single person needs to see the good, even if it is a tiny little ray of sunshine, let it in! Life is way to short to be dwelling on the past! The past is done, not a damn thing you can do to change it. Today is the gift, unwrap it and enjoy!!!!!

I sometimes feel like an old twangy country song, but that ok! It is just time for me to get away, unplug and set my world right again. That is what a vacation is for, so off to enjoy my vacation!!

well more sap, but i did try, and it kinda felt good, might just do it again one day!
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Male Influences

Posted 11-17-2018 at 10:32 AM by Atrebla Rose
I was raised by 2 fathers, or should I say men. I don't believe either of them have earned the title “father”. My biological father was nothing more than a sperm donor in my life. He was there for the conception and in silence until my mother could take no more. Before they split, he also donated the sperm of my sister. He was never present in my youth, no phone calls, no birthday cards, nothing. As I grew older I would reach out to him. He only lived 20 minutes away. The phone conversations were short and never sweet, but always initiated by me. We never really had a relationship until my children were born, and then I saw him a couple times a month until my boys were the age of 5. Then we were plunged back into the dark silence that follows my father around. A man of few words and no emotion is how I describe my father. A conversation with him entails me asking questions and him answering one word reply's. Never ever any added information. He lives to this day a very secluded solitary life, and there is nothing anyone can do about it, but make the best of the situation and grant him his wish. The only thing that bothers me about all this is, a couple years ago he has decided that I am his care taker and because I am named in his will, I am the one!

This man who I still find a mystery has turned into a 2 year old. He can not do anything for himself, nor will he try. He has functioning MS, Thyroid Cancer, and a stubborn streak that rivals no other. Until early this year has believed he was a 30 year old man trapped in a 73 year old body. And I think it is great to be young at heart, but there are a few things that you must do and not do to mingle in society. He chooses to keep the walls firmly in place and let no one in. It saddens me, frustrated me, and leaves me feeling sorry for him. He is my father, and I will do his bidding for him, tight lipped and a smile on my face. My father has never uttered the words “I love you, or Thank you”. To me, or my sister. I love my father, and I give him the life he desires, because I am who I am.

My step father was the other “father” in my childhood. He was the opposite of my father and not in a good way. I will admit, I learned many many lessons from him. He was a very good teacher. I learned in life you have to work very very hard, there is no time to play. Children are to be seen and not heard. Children were to be kept busy with tasks to keep them out of your hair. Children were not allowed to have friends, as they were a distraction from the tasks at hand. Corporal punishment is to be dealt out on a whim, whether it was warranted or not! For my mothers choice, I will say this was a step up from my father, at least my step-father talked and associated with the family. My childhood was not bad, I learned a very strong work ethic, do the job right the first time, because the second go around is going to be so much harder. I learned how to rely on myself and trust in me. I learned how to stand being alone and dive in that happiness. My step-father never uttered the words “I love you or I am proud of you” to any of us children. Even to the two he fathered. Equality was always his way.

My grandfather was the shining light in my childhood. He spewed words of wisdom and taught me so very much. He taught me to see the love in the world, to appreciate the beauty all around me. My grandfather was my rock. He never felt sorry for us, he would never listen to an unkind word spoken from us. He taught me kindness, respect, compassion, and unconditional love. He left this world a year after my oldest was born. I have missed him everyday since, and have relied on his life lessons to become the person I am today. My Grandfather always said “I love you, I am proud of you, and thank you. He taught me to leave this place a better place just by being here, and the biggest lesson I still hear in my head “only a fool is bored”. I strive to never ever be bored in my world. I am not a fool!

You can not pick where you came from, you can only rise from the ashes and play the hand you are dealt. The choice is yours to become what you are!
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Every person we've known, every move we've made, has left an imprint on our lives. We choose, I think, which facets of their impressions we care to acknowledge. You had quite a champion in your Grandfather. You have endured so much, and shaped the person so many admire, respect, and adore. I'm blessed to call you my friend.
Posted 11-17-2018 at 12:04 PM by LadyZ LadyZ is offline
Old
Atrebla Rose's Avatar
Thank you Lady Bug You are a treasure in my arsenal!!!
Posted 11-17-2018 at 12:13 PM by Atrebla Rose Atrebla Rose is offline
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hikergeek's Avatar
I can never understand a man that won’t be a real full fledged father, that doesn’t want to be a major part of their kids lives or say I love you when they need to hear it. It is good you were able to survive that and absorb the goodness of your grandfather.
Posted 11-18-2018 at 11:03 AM by hikergeek hikergeek is offline
 
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