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Grateful for cancer

Posted 07-01-2018 at 11:08 AM by disturbiagirl
I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer 10 years ago this month. After I fought that battle and won, I was told “this wasn’t the run-of-the-mill ovarian cancer, this was a sub-species and it has a 90% chance of coming back, if it does, it will kill you”.

I’ve lived with those words for 10 years, always in the back of my mind. I’ve also lived with a sense of urgency, to experience as much of life as I could afford (which honestly, wasn’t much…lol). I bought a supplemental cancer policy, which would pay a pretty decent lump sum, in case it came back. I made a plan – IF that dirty bitch came back to haunt me, I would take that payment, quit my job, buy a Wal-mart bag of pot, kidnap my sister and we’d road trip until I ran out of pot. I hoarded all pain pills over the years, knowing that if that day came, I’d take myself out on MY terms. There would be no chemo, no radiation, no making my family suffer by watching me die. Oh no, I’m going to enjoy life until *I* decide – fuck that heartless bitch named CANCER.

A lot has happened in 10 years…divorce, new homes, new jobs, a new love, open heart surgery, a new lease on life….but always, tucked in the dark recess of my mind, the fear lingered.

So now here we are, ten years has flown by. Last summer I moved and now live 750 miles from the oncologist who saved my life all those years ago. Had I listened to the first doctor, I would be dead for ten years by now, but I didn’t (that’s a whole ‘nother story), so I’m loyal to THIS doctor. Enough so that I made the trek, through thunderstorms, hail and a tornado warning. After the exam, he says “well DG, your markers are good, the exam shows nothing. You’ve been in remission for 10 years and I’m confident in saying that if it hasn’t come back by now, I’m 99.9% sure it never will. I’m “graduating” you and releasing you from my care. I don’t need to see you again, unless something else comes up. You did it kiddo, you won”. Then he gave me the biggest, bestest bear hug in my life.

I burst into tears, so grateful, so damned happy to be alive!!! After I got dressed and walked out of the room, the nurses had lined the halls, each congratulating me and giving me hugs. The scheduler stepped out and said “do we need to schedule an appointment?” Sobbing, I said “he graduated me”. She held me as I sobbed, then the receptionist ripped her headphones off and came running around the desk to do the same. I was a wreck…lol

As I walked out of the cancer center, I saw all of the women with scarves on their heads, pale, sick, dying. I felt guilty that I had just gotten such good news, guilty that I’m a survivor, yet so grateful to God for getting me to this point. I’ve been an emotional mess since I heard that news 3 weeks ago, not realizing just how heavily the recurrence chance had weighed on me…I literally feel as if I’ve lost 100 pounds.

I write this, not so much to share my story, but so that when days get tough and I get down, I will read this and recapture that feeling of gratefulness and realize that I can handle it – to put life in perspective. I’m going to go outside now, take a cruise through the mountains and enjoy all that God has blessed me with. Take care my friends.
Total Comments 8

Comments

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Just A Girl's Avatar
what a crazy life. I couldn't imagine living with that weight. I can't imagine the world without you in it, my beautiful friend.

This might be my favorite blog ever. You kicked cancer's ass and did so with grace and a new outlook on life. God bless you lovely lady
Posted 07-01-2018 at 11:31 AM by Just A Girl Just A Girl is offline
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SpecialK's Avatar
I'm a firm believer that if it isn't your time to go.. you won't...

...I'm glad it wasn't your time... and I'm glad you're my friend.
Posted 07-01-2018 at 02:29 PM by SpecialK SpecialK is offline
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Pigheaded's Avatar
So happy for you gorgeous! You deserve to enjoy life without worrying about cancer returning!
Posted 07-01-2018 at 05:05 PM by Pigheaded Pigheaded is offline
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hijiller's Avatar
Amazing blog so well told. Having lost one of my best friends to ovarian ten years ago, your story is even more special. So happy for you!
Posted 07-01-2018 at 09:43 PM by hijiller hijiller is offline
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Duke James Bond Jones's Avatar
I’m fascinated by stories of adversity and how people decide to approach their trials and tribulations. This blog benefits everyone who reads it. Thank you for this gift and your friendship.
Posted 07-03-2018 at 04:46 AM by Duke James Bond Jones Duke James Bond Jones is offline
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Iceburn's Avatar
Amazing!
Knowing you..and getting to know more about you each time has been an honor and a blessing DG...I've never doubted your strength but geez woman!..that must have been a heavy load to bear all these years yes?

I am so so pleased for you..and your awesome news!

Now what have you done with the pot?..bring it over here and lets party!
Posted 07-03-2018 at 05:26 AM by Iceburn Iceburn is offline
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bryan3636's Avatar
Cancer ain't got nothin' on you!!! I couldn't be more proud to call you my friend!!!
Posted 07-03-2018 at 07:37 PM by bryan3636 bryan3636 is offline
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SunnyD's Avatar
Congratulations on being one of the lucky ones! I hope that it inspires you to do all the things you still have on your bucket list.
Posted 07-03-2018 at 09:45 PM by SunnyD SunnyD is offline
 
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