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I am going to give this blogging thing a try......

I have been abused, beaten, raped, neglected, tortured and hurt but not broken. That is not who I am though. I will not let that define who I am. I may come across as sappy and nice, too nice to some. That is ok by me. That is who I choose to be. I have the dark dark cloud deep inside me, and I choose everyday not to let it out, but fight it with sunshine. How do you feel after 5 days of dark clouds, and no sun! Pretty damn grouchy! And the sun comes out, bammo wammo the world is right again! Seeing others laugh and smile is what makes me happy.

I will admit, the sarcasm is lost on me. I don't know maybe it was one of the things beaten out of me. I want to be the person people feel comfortable being around, not the one people are scare of because a wet blanket was just thrown over them. I am grateful to be alive, and I want to spread that around. Every single person needs to see the good, even if it is a tiny little ray of sunshine, let it in! Life is way to short to be dwelling on the past! The past is done, not a damn thing you can do to change it. Today is the gift, unwrap it and enjoy!!!!!

I sometimes feel like an old twangy country song, but that ok! It is just time for me to get away, unplug and set my world right again. That is what a vacation is for, so off to enjoy my vacation!!

well more sap, but i did try, and it kinda felt good, might just do it again one day!
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Understanding

Posted 09-02-2018 at 10:33 AM by Atrebla Rose
My Mother, My Mommy, My Mom

I have called her all these things and more. I would classify her as my friend, but never my best friend. I learned early on, never tell your mother something when you are angry with, say a boyfriend, friend or spouse. She never forgets, while your anger will pass! My Mother was my mentor and she did many things for me, and gave up many more. My mom was the backbone and kept us upright and on the straight path in life, (well most of us anyways). Like all parents my mother was not perfect, she did however do the best that she could with the knowledge and gifts she had. I believe all parents, are just doing the best they know how to do, with what they have.

My mother raised me to be respectful, kind, considerate and loving. Many times I heard “if you do not have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all”. Become a lover not a fighter. The better thing to do is walk away! But always, always stand up proud and loud for the wrongs you believe in. Many many lesson. She was a kind, considerate, giving lady, always had a smile, and willing to lend a helping hand. Kind, but strict and authoritarian when needed. Never believe the gossip, and never ever repeat, what you can not confirm. Until you have walked in someone else's shoes, what give you the right to pass judgement! Many many worthwhile lesson I have tried to live by.

My Mother did not have it easy with my dad. A strong silent type who just never plugged in to life. Even to this day, he is almost a hermit, solitude is his salvation. To each their own, but don't get married and certainly do not have children! They were divorced shortly after my sister was born. I was 4. She remarried a man who became my step-father. My mother didn't make great love choices to say the least. My step-father is a whole other blog topic. There are only 2 good things I have to say about him, He helped produce my younger brother and sister, and he beat the excellent work ethic I am proud of today, into each and every one of us children!

I am the oldest, always taken on the top roll of the family, problem solver, soother, party planner and hostess, to relieve the burden on others and to help ease my mother into her old age. Reassuring her, they will all still be taken care of.

My mommy has changed in the past 5 years, and this is what my blog was originally about. Understanding the transformation that has taken place and the fear and struggles that this will happen to me as I age. It is a daily struggle to maintain all my teachings and be as nice and loving of a person as I always want to be. I understand that life beats you down, been there done that, but I will not let life break me! Just not going to happen.

My mommy is not my mommy any longer. I do not know this woman. She is one of the biggest gossips I know, she hasn't spoken a kind word in a few years. She is so judgemental of everyone and everything. The woman who made me proud to be her daughter, has me hiding my head. And carefully monitoring the words that come out of my mouth. I will let others carry a conversation with her so I do not have to. I dread our family dinners, she has pissed a few siblings off, more than once. The Joy is not in her life, and I do not know how to help her. I do not know how to deal with this. I have no understanding why this strong wonderful woman who I have grown up looking up to, has become a woman I avoid, I run from, I am losing respect for. I love my mother, and I want her to feel the joy, to enjoy the sun on her face, the great grand daughter she was blessed with. I feel powerless to stop this down slide. I have tried to talk to her, but the brutal, blunt responses are something I can not and will not stand for. I have chosen to void negativity from my world, and on many occasions she has told me, “oh I wish people wouldn't be so negative”. And here is a lady who has become the most negative person I know. I can not cut her out of my life. What is a loving daughter to do? How do I keep my sanity and love this woman who has been my whole world.

Is it Dementia, is it early onset Alzheimer's, or is it something hidden deep inside that no one has yet discovered.

Understand is not as easy as one might think! Loving is the only thing I know, so loving is what I shall continue to do.

My mother, has lost her filter!
Total Comments 5

Comments

Old
hijiller's Avatar
Probably early onset dementia. It is clear how important you Mom has been in your life. You might try collecting a few photos of events you know she was happy about, and see what she says now. This little test will tell you a lot.

Be prepared. For the last year of my mother's life, I was the mom. Sending you a sympathetic hug!
Posted 09-02-2018 at 10:45 AM by hijiller hijiller is offline
Old
Arcon's Avatar
Very touching. I lost my mother last year. Enkoy all the tike with her you can
Posted 09-02-2018 at 10:48 AM by Arcon Arcon is offline
Old
Sweet-Tee's Avatar
Thank you for your blog. I enjoy reading what you have shared even though I may not comment.

I believe one of two things happen as we get older. You either lose your body or your mind. For my Dad, he lost control of his body and it was difficult to watch that battle for him. It seems to me as your mom may be losing her battle with her mind, which makes it difficult for you. Possibly reach out to her doctor with her approval, see if there are things that can help, not necessarily just medications. I’m certainly no doctor so I encourage you to reach out to the professionals.

You know how to reach me if you want to vent at any time. Sometimes getting it out helps us deal. Xxoo
Posted 09-02-2018 at 12:27 PM by Sweet-Tee Sweet-Tee is offline
Old
Atrebla Rose's Avatar
Thank you all, the visit with my mother was better today. I want to think it is because I put to words my fears. Thank you for reading and the kind words and hug!
Posted 09-02-2018 at 08:11 PM by Atrebla Rose Atrebla Rose is offline
Old
LadyZ's Avatar
I'm relatively new here, and I haven't read the blog section before. I can empathize with your concerns. My mother is 88. Seven years ago, she began to act randomly unusual, and came to live with my husband and I. It's dementia. Her retro memory is fantastic, but she can't recall what she did five minutes ago. She's not the person I grew up knowing. My husband is 19 years my senior. He's okay most of the time, but he can't dress, bathe, or take care of himself. So, I call them the "inmates" and care for them. I'm really enjoying being here on M&F because it's a stress outlet for me. I hope that you can somehow find that place with your mother that's comfortable.
Posted 09-22-2018 at 07:01 PM by LadyZ LadyZ is offline
 
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