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Only One Wish

Posted 12-08-2015 at 05:45 PM by katydid
This Christmas season, I have lots of wishes for my kids and others. I imagine I will make them come true as I usually do. They've gotten used to getting one present each. A tree, Christmas dinner, all of us together. I'm quite proud of my kids actually for their resiliency of the last two years or so. They don't wish for anything they haven't received. And, are genuinely content with life.

But, it is this season, where everything drops like a hammer for me. These aren't the Christmases I longed for my children to have. We don't have much, nothing to be told, but that isn't all. It is now when I face up to all the mistakes I have made that put us here. When I hold myself accountable for all the small and big mistakes that brought up here.

I love my children and the thought that I have made their lives into less than they could have been~that maybe in fact it will effect their whole lives, saddens me. And, while people out of the sweetness of their hearts will say how I've done my best and they will wind up fine, would at the same time never, ever want their children to swap shoes with mine.

But, there is this one wish I have. I think if I could have it, it would set everything straight and I could stop crying and go on with everything. I want to wake up one morning, trying hard to just out of bed. And, then I want to see my mother's shape at the door frame and I want her to say like always "Can I get in bed with you, Katy?" She'll crawl into bed with me, let me nestle into her and she'll stroke my hair over and over again, tell me how much she loves me. And, when I can finally choke out the words "What is going to happen to me?" she will kiss me and say "It's all going to work out fine." And, she'll keep stroking my hair and humming to me as I fall fast asleep.

I'm not foolish enough to think that will make all well, but I am silly enough to want just that day with my mom.
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redcat's Avatar
Posted 12-08-2015 at 10:13 PM by redcat redcat is offline
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OneFineDay's Avatar
Thank you for sharing Katy ... we can only try to be meek surrogates for your mother by sending you our hugs and telling you that for us you are still a person of worth and value, even if we find it only in the wisdom of your posts and blog. Sending you a bucket full of love
Posted 12-09-2015 at 05:34 AM by OneFineDay OneFineDay is offline
 
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