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The Day I Stole The Bat Mobile Pt 2

Posted 12-06-2017 at 12:03 PM by Iceburn
The morning began to burn and to me at least....it felt like someone had slipped a tube of heat rub into my sanshoes (dammit sneakers y'all) We had no provisions..neither food nor drink..because we were mighty pioneers!..we killed bears..and saved old ladies..and dodged speeding cars...and...well ok..we just plain forgot. What nine year old kid do you know who is well versed in forward planning?
I turned to Wyatt..and Doc...ok..Mike and Pete..and was about to ask them if they had any idea where we were heading when Doofus piped up that he had a "brilliant plan!"

Let me explain about "Doofus".First of all..he wasnt a Doofus although he had the part pretty well down pat.He was a nine year old Capt Obvious with an infectious yet annoying laugh that sounded like a Donkey in the final stages of castration and a totally horrific yet mesmerising way of putting his ideas over in the form of charades.It was like his brain decided to glue his mouth shut and then sadistically make him act out his fantasies in the style of Liberace?

Also..his surname was Rufus...hence the nick.

I groaned inwardly..Id had the misfortune to witness many of Doofus's "brilliant ideas" on a regular basis. Fishing floating paint cans out of the local drain with your feet whilst clinging precariously to the slippery banks was one of his..needless to say that day..I returned home like The Creature From The Black Lagoon, only slightly wetter.

"Let's hear it then" said Pete..moving noticably a step closer to Doofus...ready to fetch him one upside the head if the "brilliance" did not live up to its former billing.We stood around in a makeshift circle, heads down, hands on our hips ..the sun beating down on us, sweat beginning its ride down the backs of our necks..and I remember with total clarity, lifting my head and watching one particular bead of sweat run down Mike's forehead, along the side of his nose..and drop stone like to splash on the front of his dusty black sneakers like some microcosmic big bang event..even to this day..I cant give you a good enough reason why my mind would capture that particular moment in time..it just did.

"We're almost at town, let's head to Burden's!..I'll tell you more on the way!"..mimed the Good Ass, Liberace.We stood there giving a good impression of a Mexican standoff..only we had to use eyes instead of six shooters until Albert...have I mentioned Albert?..No?..well..Albert was a card...he had a gammy foot..it was like God had a little bit of horse left over and had stuck it to Albie's leg..but it made no matter..he could run like the wind could Albie...and he mostly spoke by choice..in the style of Daffy Duck..which made us all break up from time to time...so..until Albie shrugged his shoulders and decided for us all that it was game on.

Soon enough..the raggedy assed Band of Brothers were stood gaping up in silent wonder at the biggest store in town. Burdens sat there like some crouching leviathan ready to pounce on some unsuspecting prey. It had seven floors and I suppose now, looking back..it was a forerunner to the superstores we have today.To us kids though, it was the best place in town..in the Universe even. Filled with riches beyond our attainment and staff who went about their business with military precision..it was like Aladdin's cave..but with registers.Kids our age could get lost for hours in a place like Burdens, browsing each and every floor, riding the elevators up and down..and in 1968, they were the kind of elevators with the concertina type caged door that you had to pull shut first before you could ride,and everything was brass and real honest to god wood instead of the sterile steel you see nowadays

Sometimes they would throw us kids out of the place before we had even barely breached the threshold, but most of the time, the staff were that busy, we became so much background noise and were left alone to our own devices. As I may have mentioned before, with seven floors ..it was a huge place to police every minute of the day, and a kid who was nimble on his feet could stay in there all day should he have wished to..hiding places galore and the security guys they employed..well lets just say they wouldnt have featured in a Son and Dad fun race at the end of the school term yeah?

Burdens sold everything..and I mean..everything. There were sections dedicated to Camping, Hiking, Building, Home Improvements, Cooking, Baking, Matchmaking..Tools..Schools...Shoes...Song Sheets that taught you The Blues, Swiss Army Knives, Hunting Knives..Knives and Forks and Spoons, Party Hats and Balloons, Women Swooning and eagerly Perfuming, Gents in Suits with Stripes, buying their Pipes, the big wooden shelves that did not fill themselves, hurrying clerks who gave you the works..and flitting from counter to counter like some deranged Hummingbird..was the Uberfuhrer...or Floor Manager as he was more commonly known.

A nod of the head here, and a word in the ear there, he kept his house in order, running smoothly, tick tock, like clockwork.This pencil thin moustachio'd servant of Order and Efficiency was not to be trifled with in any way shape or form..and frankly...they scared the crap out of us kids, and the unwritten rule in those days was to avoid these Taskmasters from the Seventh Circle of Hell at ALL costs.We were under the impression that if they ever laid a hand (or maybe it was just the illusion of a hand, disguising a terrible black claw?) on you..you would instantly melt like The Wicked Witch of the West.

The second floor of Burdens was avoided at all costs..and if there had ever been such a thing as a kids referendum, it would have been an overwhelming majority vote to board up the doors and paint warning signs of Doom and Disaster....a little of that .."Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter This Place" melodramatic crap, and smash button #2 to hell in the elevator so it whizzed right past.

Floor 2...was dedicated entirely..to back to school wear...enough said.

On this day though, we entered at ground level instead of our usual infil point of racing each other up seven flights of stairs (136 steps, I counted once)and starting at the top floor , working our way down by several, and sometimes ingeneous, routes. As usual..it looked as though five kids had suddenly deleloped worrying Thyroid symptoms...it couldnt be helped, Burdens was a sight to behold, and your eyes bugged out immediately because it was impossible to look at everything at once although we always tried like hell to do so.It resembled a busy hive in harmony wth itself...boxes being carried..ladders sliding along shelves, the ear piercing "bringggg!" of the desk attention bell...it was like 1946 trying like buggery to catch upto 1968..some kind of strange time warp where "Allo Allo"..was trying to muscle in on the success and enterprise of "Are You Being Served" (Sorry my American friends..youre gonna have to look that up to understand the reference Im afraid?)

It was at this time that Doofus decided to lay out the intricacy of his evil scheme.

"Ok you guys!..you're gonna love this one, its huge..seriously..no bullcrap..it huger than Godzilla fighting King Kong!..it huger than Batman taking down Mighty Joe Young!...its......"*slap!"

Pete had finally slapped Doofus upside the head

"Sorry about that Doof..but you were sweating...and turning the color of a beet..and worse of all..you were dancing around like Sammy Davis Jr...and no nine year old kid should ever dance around like Sammy Davis Jr..ever!..So..now that you're a lot calmer..speak slowly...and tell us!"

Doofus looked wounded at the abrupt cessation of his brilliant plan..but like any kid..this lasted only a couple of seconds, no grudges were even thought of, let alone held..and pretty soon..he was back in the groove..only slightly less animated

Doof put his most serious evil sinister dark and forbidding face on (actually..he looked like he needed a good crap but couldnt shift it) and intoned "One of us...has to steal something from Burdens"

Imagine, at this particular moment in time,Tumbleweed drifting aimlessly across the plains or the Big Bang theory happening inside your own skull,either could have described our mental state right then.We stood there gobsmacked , all but Doofs..who managed to look both exultant..and shit scared at the same instant.

I visibly gulped..because I knew, as did the others..how this was going to be decided..the age old tried and tested rock paper scissor scenario. The reason for said gulp is because I was totally pants at it. Even to this day Im useless...and dont even mention 50/50 chances..it may well as be 100% wrong where Im concerned. I almost said right then "ok..Ill do it"..but I thought I would give chance the benefit of the doubt one last time.
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ByronBay's Avatar
Are you being served came to mind here too! Wonder how Mrs Slocombe would have dealt with you rascals?!
Posted 12-17-2017 at 02:39 PM by ByronBay ByronBay is offline
 
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