I know I have known this for a long time, but I am just starting to face it. I have always devalued myself worth or my ability to do things. I think this has also made me look at myself in a very negative way. When I look at myself I see some one who is fat and ugly, I can't help it. Even when I try to convince myself I'm not it really has no effect. I tend to put myself down and poke fun at myself, at my own expense. It's hard when you think others see you in this way, but I feel it's even worse when you see yourself like this. You can walk away or not pay attention, but you can't get away from yourself.

So how does one find that self worth? How do you change years of putting yourself down and not liking who you are?

I suppose facing these facts is the first step, but how do you take the next one and the one after that.

Just like the title says this my first blog of any kind any where. Im not even really sure what you are suposed to blog about lol. I supose I will just tell something thats going with me.

I am in charge of this activity thing my daughter and some other girls do once week. The father of another one of the girls is divorced and recently has been flirting with me. Well Im having hard time deciding if he is flirting or just being friendly.

It all started a few weeks ago when he had an idea to help the girls with something so we were talking about it. We got on the conversation of motorcylces and I told him that liked riding them. He proceeded to check out my ass and let me know I would fit on the back of his. Then we exchanged a few emails discussing the project that he wanted to help with.

He drops lines once in awhile like he is glad to have met me. He touches my arm when no one else is looking and the other day we were out with the girl at this thing. I was standing at table looking at stuff and he leaned over right beside me where his face was in my hair.

Ok so thats about the most of it for now. I havent emailed him back inawhile because Im trying to keep it all business.

i want to cry...
i want to scream...
i want to tell you mostly
i hate that i'm so afraid of everything
i hate that you're the on thing i want the most but can't have
i hate that you let me go before i even got to say goodbye
i wish that you would come back to me
i wish i were strong enough to say no to you
i wish i could believe my own lies i use to cover up the pain you left
i need to move on says my head
i need to hold on says my heart
i need to decide says my mind
i envy the way it seems to not have affected you
i envy the fact you don't understand what this feels like at all
i want to hurt you
i want to be with you
i want this nightmare to be over
i wish i could make things they were before you
i wish i could change time
i wish i could change the way you feel
i wish i could've hurt you before you hurt me
i wish we didn't have to hurt
i wish i would have given you the letter when i wanted
i need you out of my thoughts
i need you out of my heart
i need you out of my mind
i need to start being me again
i hate that i feel used
i hate that i gave you something i can never have back
i hate that i wasted it with you
i'm tired of hoping aimlessly for you
i'm tired of wanting something i can't have
i'm tired of hurting for things that aren't my fault
i'm sorry i wasn't good enough
i'm sorry i could give you what you wanted
i'm sorry i defended you when everyone else was right
i'm sorry i couldn't make you happy
i'm sorry i couldn't make your decisions for you
funny though how you never once said sorry for hurting me,for breaking me,for not loving me enough.......

Don't look back
when you head for the door.
'Cause if you do,
It'll hurt even more.

Don't stop to explain,
don’t tell my why.
If you're going to leave,
just say good-bye.

I love you, I'll miss you,
but I can make it alone.
I want you, I need you,
but I can hold my own.

'Cause I can't tie you down,
you've got to be free.
I can't make you love
only one girl... Just me.

So don't look back,
I'll tell you again.
Just say good-bye, darling...
If this is the end.

things i have learned in my life...

when you are a parent nothing is sacred,

when you hear the toilet flush followed by your 2 yr old saying " uh oh" it is already too late

Clorox mixed with brake fluid makes smoke, and lots of it

when you watch the food network, your kids will try and mimic the chefs on tv

certain legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 yr old

permanent marker does not come off of wood floors or walls, no matter what the tv commercials say

dried oatmeal looks like vomit

dried oatmeal does not come off of furniture easily

bubble gum comes out of hair if you use vegatable oil

make sure all old maid cards are picked up after the game is over

the ace of spades on a polished wooden floor is very slick

the Colorado state police have a 3 minute response time

a child with a bullwhip can entertain a cat for no less than 45 minutes

running in the house is still not a good idea

One of my favorite movies is actually Sleeping Beauty. Yes, I'm an adult but I cannot get over the part where they meet and sing "Once Upon a Dream". I fall in love with the music, the lyrics, and the animation every time I watch it. The end with the dancing always makes my heart runneth over. I get teary eyed and dreamy. I smile like a silly girl.

And then I look around my home and wonder what happened to the romantic dreamy eyed little girl that I once was. Well, I guess she has never gone away because I'm still like that. But what happened? I let men use me so much as I grew older. Now I'm married to someone that seems to only want a housekeeper, maid, and nanny.

So, I wonder when I can get the chance to dance with my prince and hum "Once Upon a Dream". I'm hoping someone is out there willing to look at me and see past any outside appearance flaws. To be interested in getting to know me and see that I'm a compassionate and extremely empathetic woman. That I have a fun personality with great humor.

It is difficult feeling so lonely and unloveable. To yearn to be touched and cherished. To know that the caress isn't out of a chore but because he feels that I am special. To feel that he does think I'm sexy and not see the disgust in his eyes he is trying to hide.

And then I remember that getting my hopes up hurts as much as the rejection. So I believe that I'll continue to watch Aurora find her dream in Phillip as sit on my couch in a puddle of tears.

My emotions are taking their toll on me. I am tired ... hungry all the time ... and so lonesome I could scream sometimes. I just know that my time with Jerry and his family will help me feel better. I don't think we will be able to wait 4-6 weeks till the next visit.

I feel empty without him near me...

So - I joined this site in June. Shortly after, I started chatting with a man here that seemed to be my type. We had fun, got to know each other over the months....I'd complain about my marriage to him and he'd do the same to me. Yea we did all the usual things people hook up here for - only thing was we were hundreds of miles apart.

Before long we fell in "love", but the deep friendship type of love. Neither of us wanted to end our marriages - never do. As time passed we became even more comfortable with each other. Every time we talked it was so nice ...just to know we had someone to talk to about all those things we couldn't talk to others about.

He was there when I needed support afer leaving my job. He was there to listen to me cry and vent about my husband's reaction. He was there to celebrate my new job and move to Colorado...and he was there when things started getting much more complicated and strange.

And he was there to help me realize that he was seeing signs in me that might indicate I was bipolar. He'd real experience with this and educated himself about it. When i got my lowest and felt it wasn't worth going on - that's when he encouraged me to seek help...and I did....and he was right on. Even the doctors said he probably saved my life....

so you never know what someone you meet here or anywhere my mean to you or your life.....

I'll be ever grateful for him and will love him always....

Even though today we parted ways - he can't handle the fact that I have this illness - and he says he's too busy....it's gotten too complicated....so - I suppose his purpose in my life was completed and now we move on....

DAMN HIM!

Two little children, innocent (well, kinda). They are two little sponges, soaking up joy, laughter, and life through each of their five senses. Their hearts and personalities will be molded by all manner of things, including my decisions, my words, my example.
No matter how much I love Jersey Girl, those little sponges need a strong man to be a father to them and a loving husband to their mother.

A lot has happened since I was here last.

I was finally able to get my kids in the same room long enough to tell them that we were not getting back together. Told my son about Jerry (daughter already knew) and that I was going to spend Thanksgiving with him. My boy was not happy....in fact he yelled at me and told me I could not see my granddaughter.

After he calmed down I was able to get a few words in. I reminded him that I was and always would be his Mother. . . and if he was going to look at me with such anger in his eyes that I didn't want to see him.

I reminded both my kids that I made their life happy.....that I wasn't sorry for the years I spent with their father...I just wasn't happy anymore and hadn't been for quite sometime.

We discussed a few things that brought me to the decision to leave. By the time he left he was a bit calmer. He texted me afterwards, telling me that he was sorry for treating me the way he did.

He hopes that I'll be happy and that I wont' rush into anything. I don't feel like I'm rushing....seems I've been waiting quite a while for Jerry to enter my life.

So Jerry was here in MI over Halloween weekend. I showed him about, we had a lovely dinner with my parents, my sister and my daughter. A nice time was had by all.

Today, I choose to "value" my values. This is completely my choice. No one is chosing my values or my actions for me. No one is going to impose values upon me.
My values are, indeed, my values. Therefore, I will live by those values. Even though other people may want to influence me to "value" their values, I will not allow myself to be cast in their mold.
What are your values?
Are you living by your values?

Well, before my meds kick in...
I thought I would stop in and give a brief update.

We have been having issues with coons lately, the hold family reunions in our garage abd eat the dog food.

so anyway...
I went to go close the garage door,
I closed it, took a step back, slipped on a playing card, and my bad leg went one way, my ankle went the other.
I lifted my leg, saw my foot laying to the left and my ankle to the right,
I yelled to my mom that I thought I had broken my ankle.

The paramedics came, we got out of the laundry room and into the ambulance.
X rays were taken an sure enough,
It's broken, in 2 places.
I broke the finia and snapped the tip off the fibia.
I go in for surgery latr this morning.
Anyways, I should go put my foot up,
it is beginning to throb pretty bad, and the meds are kicking in.

I wil let yalls know when I am home and awake from the surgery.

Oh, and to those who defended me in the chat room last night.
Thank you.
ou have restored my belief in human kind.

So most of those close to me know I am divorced,
I have been for 9 years now.

He was mentally, emtionally, sexualy and physcally abusive.

I have scars from where he stabbed me,
I am missing all but 2 teeth from where he knocked them out in fights.
Yes this means I have more tattoos than teeth.

I have been kicked, stomped on, punched slapped, beaten, put in ICU, and thrown through doors, walls and windows.

I have cracked ceramic tiles with the back of my head, I have broken drywall with my face, I have literally torn down the walls of a house.

I have broken my nose on concrete, I have broken bones and had more cuts and scrapes than I can possibly count.

I am a tough and strong willed bitch.

Until it comes to love, then I will become the most reserved and scared person to walk on the face of the planet.

And people wonder why??

Well, I'm just waiting to explode. The kids are a mess today. I can't list it all here because I'll just be embarrassed. I'd hate for someone to question my mothering skills and then have to go off on them because I'm a damn fine mother.....Just right now a little stressed out.

They haven't heard from their dad in over a week and it is draining on them. I feel their frustration and now they can feel mine and it is a cycle of craziness. I do feel bad that I do not miss him like they do. I know they know that even though I do not voice it. Kids are sponges. We cannot mask what we feel. It is near impossible.

I had to sit down and get some thoughts out before I went back in the bedroom and deliver more orders to the troops in their dress up clothes that we are to be CLEANING and not PLAYING.

Oh to be that age again and dress up to wait for the prince at the ball.....and then reality sets in. Princes? HA! More like bullfrogs or leeches....a few jackasses can be added in there to make a point in my theory...that men just plain SUCK.

(I apologize should any comments in this blog be offensive to anyone reading it)

I think the volcano has become dormant....at least for a few minutes. I do not know if I can handle another eruption....however, should my son place another game piece in the toilet and yell "see ya later alligator!" I WILL erupt!