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Old 06-27-2017, 04:00 PM   #2126
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An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
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Old 06-27-2017, 04:03 PM   #2127
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A guy walks on the street and sees a beautiful young women with the most perfect breast. He stops her and says "Would you let me bite your breast for $100 ?" The women insulted replies "I am not one of those women" and takes off.

He runs around the block to see her again and cannot resist asking her "Would you let me bite your breast for $1000 ?" Again she takes off all insulted.

He has to see her again, this time he says" Would you let me bite your breast for $10,000 ?" She thinks about it for a minute and says "follow me in this dark alley." There she opens her blouse and he starts caressing them, grabbing them, kissing them. He then puts his face between them. A bit annoyed she says "Aren't you going to bite my breast?"

And the guy says" Nope, too expensive."
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Old 06-27-2017, 04:08 PM   #2128
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two drunk male friends talking in a bar ,one says to the other ,what happened to you last night ,his friend reply,s I went home by the railway tracks last night and picked up a women and had stunning sex ,great said his mate did you get a blow job !!no his friend replies she didn't,t have a head .!!!
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Old 06-27-2017, 08:02 PM   #2129
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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now....."
(Gotta love that military time)
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Old 06-28-2017, 05:57 PM   #2130
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A blonde received a certificate for helicopter flying lessons for her birthday. One day she was bored and decided to take advantage of the opportunity.

When she arrived at the place, the man said "Well, there's only one helicopter here, and it only has one seat, if I show you how to do it, do you mind going up solo?"

"Oh of course! I can handle it" the blonde replied.

Well, he showed her the inner-workings of the helicopter and sent her on her way, only asking that she radio in every 400ft. just to make sure everything was going smoothly.

at 400ft, she radioed in saying "wow! this is so much fun!"

At 800 ft. She radioed in again saying "this is pretty easy, I can do this all day!"

At 1200 ft. She didnt. he waited and waited, and didn't hear from the blonde! seconds later he heard a crash in the field next to the station. He ran out to see what happened, the blonde crashed!

Luckily she survived, "what happened?" he exclaimed.

"Well, I was doing fine, but, I started to get cold, so I just turned off the big fan!"
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Old 06-28-2017, 06:06 PM   #2131
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A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes.. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.

But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
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Old 07-06-2017, 09:44 PM   #2132
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A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.
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Old 11-09-2017, 12:04 PM   #2133
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What do you call a spanish person walking out of a hospital?

Manuel
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Old 11-09-2017, 12:10 PM   #2134
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my mates wife just had a baby, i went to visit them in hospital, she had just finished feeding the baby and asked me if id like to wind him..

thought this was a bit harsh so i gave him a dead leg instead
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Old 12-15-2017, 03:32 PM   #2135
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The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
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Old 12-15-2017, 03:35 PM   #2136
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."
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Old 01-08-2018, 11:54 AM   #2137
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Last night I shagged the missus up the arse then she sucked my cock till I came in her mouth.

But this morning I'm the disgusting pig for drinking milk straight from the bottle
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Old 01-08-2018, 11:59 AM   #2138
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I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic.

I was in Daniel.
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Old 01-09-2018, 04:26 PM   #2139
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One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.

The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
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Old 01-09-2018, 05:08 PM   #2140
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A couple get married. After the reception, they drive to a hotel to consummate the marriage. Once in the hotel room, the man holds up a hand and says, "Stop everything! before we get any further, I need for there to be an understanding between us." He takes off his pants and throws them on the bed. "Here... put these on." She glances down at the pants and says, "Why?" He replies, "Just do it." She pulls them up around her waist and they fall down. She does it again and they fall down. "I can't wear these pants." With a smug look on his face, he says "That's right, and don't you ever forget that."

She slowly straightens up and thinks, "Oh yeah?" She takes off her panties and puts them on the bed. "Here, put THESE on." He looks down at the panties and says, "Are kidding? I'm not putting these on." She points at him and says "Hey, I humored you, now you do this for me." He picks up the panties, gets them up around his knees... they start to rip... then he takes them off and throws them angrily on the bed. "I can't get into these panties." She says, "Yeah, and until you change your attitude, you won't, either."
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Old 01-14-2018, 01:01 PM   #2141
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There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man Bruno in line started telling his story, “Well,Gabriel, you see, I noticed that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in bed. I got home and searched all over but I couldn”t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn’t kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the stress gave me a heart attack, and here I am.”

The next guy Sanjay came up and started his story. “St. Gabriel, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ”Please God spare my life” and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I”m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.”

It was now the third guy Marcus’s turn to start his story. “Well,Gabriel, just picture this. I’m hiding full naked in this married chick”s refrigerator…”
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Old 01-16-2018, 07:51 PM   #2142
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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
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Old 01-16-2018, 07:53 PM   #2143
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John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, Once a year! To John's dismay, he responds, Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year? The grinning guy responds, "Tonights the night!"
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Old 01-19-2018, 05:41 AM   #2144
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A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens.
A brother is frying chips. "Are you the Friar?" He asks.
"No. I'm the chip monk." He replies.
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Old 01-19-2018, 05:58 AM   #2145
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I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
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Old 01-19-2018, 06:01 AM   #2146
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I used to be into flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality.

Then I realised I was flogging a dead horse...

(Ha cha-cha-cha-cha; the old 'uns are the best...)
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Old 01-19-2018, 09:44 AM   #2147
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gave the Mrs an orgasm last night

ungrateful bitch spat it out
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Old 01-19-2018, 10:45 AM   #2148
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I love taking pictures of myself standing next to boiling water..

Doctor says I've got selfie steam issues..
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Old 01-19-2018, 10:47 AM   #2149
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A woman goes into a shop and asks for a maternity Bra.
The assistant asks, "What Bust?".
She says, "The fucking Condom!".
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Old 01-19-2018, 10:48 AM   #2150
manitee
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: in a land far far away
Age: 49
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I don't like the term 'Anal bleaching.'
I prefer, 'Changing your ring tone.'
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I LICKED IT,
SO IT'S MINE
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