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Old 04-19-2008, 01:44 AM   #51
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I can't solemnly swear I can always be considered one of the "mature" ones (ask my wife), but I'll take a shot anyway.

I didn't take offense at the phrase "told him" to slow down; I know what you mean. We all "tell" our spouses what to do pretty regularly. We don't mean to belittle, we just "talk straight" instead of being careful like we would to a friend or co-worker. It's a byproduct of living together and learning to be yourself around that other person and expecting them to know what we mean and how we mean it by some supernatural sixth sense we expect our mates to have (note the inclusion of both sexes here).

To your actual question though: my wife and I have the same problem with telling each other how to drive (and you wouldn't believe the amount of time we spend in a car, we bought a car in august with 85K on it, now it has 127K). I honestly try to at least listen to her suggestions/comments/orders (insert the word you're comfortable with), but I admit I don't always comply. My reaction is significantly affected by her delivery. If she hollers "Don't get so close!" out of the blue, I grit my teeth and maybe ignore her. If she says "could you back off him a little" or "could you slow down a little", I'll probably apologize and do what she wants.

How did you approach him?

Sorry to be long winded.
Denny, your wife may not think you're "mature", lol, but you're wise beyond your years.

My approach was a plain as day conversation, it wasn't an order, nor was it even a suggestion. It was a statement. Two blocks before the intersection of the traffic light, I realized that at the speed he was going, and the amount of green lights we'd gone through, he wasn't going to be able to stop for the upcoming red light.

I said "That red light camera is coming up soon, you're going to have to slow down or you're not going to be able to stop for the light with these brakes." That was it. No raised voice, nothing like that. A statement.

He got that "Screw that, I'm Dale Jr., I'll make it." look on his face....and sped up, instead of slowing down. As we approached the light, I got a little louder, obviously, and said again "you're not going to make it, slow down", since I wanted to live to see the other side of the street. You know the rest of the story, he didn't make it.
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Old 04-19-2008, 01:48 AM   #52
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Krystal, part of being a man is pushing our luck. It's what we do. It may sound nice to have someone who 'listens' or always does the safe/logical thing...but it's also very boring. Pushing a red light is a very tame way to let the urge out. Give him a little grief, laugh at it, and then let it go.
No problem, Thump....I'll tell him you said he's a man, then I'll send you the bill for the ticket. $155, made out to NYC Dept. of Traffic, k?
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Old 04-19-2008, 01:52 AM   #53
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No problem, Thump....I'll tell him you said he's a man, then I'll send you the bill for the ticket. $155, made out to NYC Dept. of Traffic, k?
Nah...part of the game is being responsible for our own mistakes. Now if I was trying to impress you and ran the light...Id take care of the ticket...
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Old 04-19-2008, 01:59 AM   #54
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Been there, done that.

Can't say I would dare a spot where I knew (or had just been told) there was a camera, but sometimes I get that "I'll show her" thing going.

We've had A LOT of discussions about this kind of thing in the car. We've been in some bad accidents and she is REALLY nervous in a car because she is afraid of further damage to herself. Not to brag, but I told you how much driving we do, and I am almost always at the wheel. No one else is the slightest bit nervous in a car with me (believe me, I've asked) and frequently get complimented on my skills. But she cringes any time I hit the brakes, speed up, whatever; regardless of how close the other cars are. She's always grabbing the door handles or bracing herself in some way, and she does it to people other than me. It's enough to drive you nuts. So we talk a lot.

It helps to talk about a situation that made you upset LATER-NOT RIGHT THEN! Bring it up in a neutral setting when you're not still mad and he's not feeling defiant and try to discuss not only how it made you felt, but how to handle it in the future. Maybe even ask "if you were doing (insert issue here) and it bothered me, how would you want me to bring it up"? May sound silly, but it works.

At least sometimes.
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Old 04-19-2008, 02:18 AM   #55
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Well I say men will be men. We as women have to just deal with it. It makes life so much easier. Not like men aren't always thinking, what did I do now!
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Old 04-19-2008, 02:23 AM   #56
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Is it "submitting to verbal castration" to use your own brain, SEE the red light, and stop for it BEFORE you commit a traffic violation that you don't have the money to pay for? I think not. That's called DRIVING. If you can't do it correctly, get out of the driver's seat.

The facts are that I didn't set out to treat him like "one of the kids". He acted like one by averting the law and putting us both in danger. If we were killed by another car while running that red light, and I didn't tell him anything at all.....whose fault would it be? Mine or his? It wouldn't matter. We could both be dead due to his ignorance.

I don't speak just to hear myself speak. I told him to slow down for his own safety as well as mine. To ignore safety precautions, just to "prove that you're your own man" is stupid, plain and simple.
Yep -- you told him, all right. You were right .... again. I don't know why he just doesn't recognize your superiority and do everything you say.

You wanted to know why men don't listen --- we told you. Now, who isn't listening? You can hide behind the traffic issue, but that wasn't the question .... what he did was dangerous and foolhardy, but again, that wasn't the question you asked.
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Old 04-19-2008, 04:44 AM   #57
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Yep -- you told him, all right. You were right .... again. I don't know why he just doesn't recognize your superiority and do everything you say.

You wanted to know why men don't listen --- we told you. Now, who isn't listening? You can hide behind the traffic issue, but that wasn't the question .... what he did was dangerous and foolhardy, but again, that wasn't the question you asked.
Someone needs a nap...would you stop trying to control spare krystal it is ticking him off.
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Old 04-19-2008, 04:49 AM   #58
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Yep -- you told him, all right. You were right .... again. I don't know why he just doesn't recognize your superiority and do everything you say.

You wanted to know why men don't listen --- we told you. Now, who isn't listening? You can hide behind the traffic issue, but that wasn't the question .... what he did was dangerous and foolhardy, but again, that wasn't the question you asked.
I read through this post twice and I believe Spare has the answer here.

Women seem to take particular delight in letting their significant other know that once again they are a moron. She will not only tell him, but, (and men know this) she will tell all her girl friends "what that idiot did".
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Old 04-19-2008, 04:54 AM   #59
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Someone needs a nap...would you stop trying to control spare krystal it is ticking him off.
Well, that certainly was a intelligent input, fourisit --- if you can't attack the issues, attack the individual. I assume you just can't handle the truth. I think you're letting your bitterness get in the way of an adult discussion.

This is exactly the problem you refuse to acknowledge ... a holier than thou attitude coupled with an unwillingness to look at the truth. And, you wonder why he is the way he is?

Go back -- don't read my posts -- read the posts from the other guys. They aren't attacking you -- they're answering the question -- you just refuse to listen because it doesn't coincide with your particular view of the world. It's their observations -- the other side of the skirmish line you've created.

By the way, it would take a hell of a lot more than this to tick me off.
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Old 04-19-2008, 08:03 AM   #60
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Men are just too hard headed to admit the woman is always right!
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Old 04-19-2008, 08:19 AM   #61
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Men are just too hard headed to admit the woman is always right!

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Old 04-19-2008, 09:01 AM   #62
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Huh? what was that you said???
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Old 04-19-2008, 09:22 AM   #63
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Ok, might be a little out of line here, but when my wife and I were in the same vehicle last time, I was driving, and she insisted(trying out a nice word for nagging me to death) on me doing the driving. So you seeeeeeeeeee I was listening to her, I drove the stinkin car.
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Old 04-19-2008, 09:45 AM   #64
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Someone needs a nap...would you stop trying to control spare krystal it is ticking him off.
Actually four, I wasn't trying to control anyone, including my husband....but apparently I'm holier than thou and unwilling to see the truth...so what do i know?
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Old 04-19-2008, 09:54 AM   #65
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Cause they either have no ears OR they know all the answers (though they are to the wrong questions...) OR they are not listening.
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Old 04-19-2008, 10:04 AM   #66
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It's just all about pride. They don't want to admit when they are wrong, and they don't want to be told what to do. Plain and simple. You just have to accept it. Sometimes I get frustrated by it too. I don't remember who said it but someone said that you have to let them learn from their mistakes. It's so true.

When I'm driving, I hate it when my husband tells me how to drive so I try not to tell him how to either (although it is SOOOOOOOOO hard not too because he is the slowest driver in the world!!!). I just think everyone should try not to be backseat drivers. The number one place couples fight are in cars.
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Old 04-19-2008, 10:06 AM   #67
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Did you say something?
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Old 04-19-2008, 10:08 AM   #68
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Did you say something?
lol, no dear, go back to what you were doing....
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Old 04-19-2008, 10:18 AM   #69
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Ya know... I usually don't try to steer my hubby in the right direction. I know its the right thing to do, but I also know he won't listen to me, so I just bite my tongue. I figure he will make his own mistakes, and ask me for help when he needs it. Like thats ever gonna happen.
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Old 04-19-2008, 10:30 AM   #70
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The scenario while I was driving used to be lots of "input" from the passenger seat, until...

1) was yelled at for a choice I made.
2) I stopped the van in the middle of the street (busy)
3) Told my wife if she wanted to get home, she must drive.
4) I got in the back seat and waited.
5) She drove home, and for the next 3 months, if we went anywhere together she drove.
6) Anytime she drove I was silent.
7) Since that day, no more "input" from the passenger seat.
8) I love my wife dearly, and she is a very fine woman.
9) All passenger vehicles are designed to be controlled by the person in the seat behind the steering wheel.
10) Anyone who disagress with that can notice the mistletoe attached to my tail of my shirt.



My question goes to this:

How do you approach him about things that will truly matter or have long term life importance. I can only imagine.
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Old 04-19-2008, 10:33 AM   #71
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Ok...now I gotta put my two cents in:

Here's the deal, as I see it. We're different creatures, with different inherent personality traits that each side must try to understand. Understanding how we are, and how we view the world will help immeasurably in fostering proper communication that does NOT lead to "she's nagging my ass off" or "he's an insensitive idiot".

It has to come from both sides. Men MUST understand the protective and concerned maternal nature of the woman. She needs to guide. To nurture. To be involved. It is her inherent biological machinery at work - not her superiority complex.

Women MUST understand that men are prideful, arrogant, a little foolhardy, and feel a need to control their environment. It is our biological machinery at work - not our stupidity or our disrespect for your opinion.

Put those two together in a relationship and it seems logical to me that two things must happen.

1. Women must understand men's machinery and take that into consideration when they phrase their advice or directions, and

2. Men must understand woman's machinery and her need to take proper care of all around them, and not be so damn sensitive as to what she is trying to say. It's not about control...she's just being what she is made to be.

Sounds a lot like compromise to me, but what do I know? My wife hasn't given me my opinion yet...
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Old 04-19-2008, 10:36 AM   #72
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Hi Torin, I'm listening
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Old 04-19-2008, 10:38 AM   #73
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Ya know... I usually don't try to steer my hubby in the right direction. I know its the right thing to do, but I also know he won't listen to me, so I just bite my tongue. I figure he will make his own mistakes, and ask me for help when he needs it. Like thats ever gonna happen.
Hey, can you help me with something?
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Old 04-19-2008, 10:38 AM   #74
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Sounds a lot like compromise to me, but what do I know? My wife hasn't given me my opinion yet...


(Actually, you did pretty damn good by yourself... great post!)
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Old 04-19-2008, 10:51 AM   #75
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lol, no dear, go back to what you were doing....
Uh huh. OK. That sounds good.
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