I need advice

jimmy-love-fl · 11-06-2009, 08:40 AM

I had a really rough night last night. I got a phone call from someone in my past from over a year ago. She basically told me she had told her best friend that we were together, and one night her best friend was drunk and they were driving by my billboard and she developed diarrhea of the mouth and started talking about how her friend had slept with this guy and how he was married. Well, she didn't take too well to it, because her husband cheated on her at some point, so she was on a mission. I guess they had talked enough about it, that she went through and found my old personal ad on Ashley Madison. I didn't even know it was still viewable by people but apparently it was. Not that it showed my face or anything, but for her it was confirmation.

She told them both she felt like she needed to tell my wife. They think they have her talked out of it, but it scares the shit out of me. Any thoughts, or suggestions?

Stew · 11-06-2009, 08:44 AM

Hey Jimmy, do you know this girl? Does she know your wife?

Waltert · 11-06-2009, 08:45 AM

That is one thing about the net, it usually stays somewhere.

Talk to your wife before she does.

katydid2 · 11-06-2009, 08:50 AM

How scary for you. I would second Stew's question...is she close to your wife or even know her. Sounds like probably no. Can you get your ad/posts/whatever off Ashley Madison? That is probably a really good start if your wife could figure it out from there. The best friend hopefully is regretful about what she said and would not back up this person's story. In which case, she could be a nut with a crush on you or something...Maybe? I mean that is what you could tell your wife right off the bat. Hope it all works out OK. I think you can make it work.

Curiousoneonly · 11-06-2009, 08:55 AM

OMG!

Um...I hope everything works out. I think you should delete your account, I would think you could make it so it isn't found thru a search.

Holy moly guacamole!

Dragon_lady · 11-06-2009, 08:57 AM

Jimmy... you only have 2 choices here... tell or not to tell.

You can wait and see if the "friend" will talk, and in the mean time you clean up as much stuff that can be linked to you and hope she will not. Personally, that's what I'd do (hell, that's what i've DONE).

You can sit down with your wife and start from the beggining... tell her about your feelings for her and about her and then explain what you did to find a certain peace and balance in your life and how you came to cheat on her. Difficult huh?

I will always remember a piece of advice I have heard somewhere about cheating: never "confess", it only serves your own conscience. Between you and me, she will be pissed at you weather its you who tells her or that friend no?

Stew · 11-06-2009, 09:00 AM

Hey Jimmy,

This story just doesn't sound right somehow. Could this blast from the past who told you all this be spinning a story and wanting you to spill to your wife?

I would not tell your wife, clean up things as Katy and DL have said. Good luck.

learman3 · 11-06-2009, 09:18 AM

What do you feel you should do?
Do you want her to find out from someone else?
Would you want to work with her to get past this?

A number of questions you need to answer for yourself. It seems you care very much about your wife not finding out. So if this is going to hurt her that much, you need to step up and tell her. It's not going to be easy, but i think it would be even worse if someone else broke the news.

NurseDude66 · 11-06-2009, 10:08 AM

I have heard this too... From an older woman who's husband had cheated and confessed over and over.
Confession is worthless without repentance anyway.

Let this play out. it could die for any number of reasons.

I personally know a woman who flirts on the internet LOOKING for married guys so she can tell their wives. (no, she isn't here)

Anyway, this is a moment that everyone here should think through. Don't put more on the table that you are willing to lose. That's good advice in craps and it's good advice here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dragon_lady

Jimmy... you only have 2 choices here... tell or not to tell.

You can wait and see if the "friend" will talk, and in the mean time you clean up as much stuff that can be linked to you and hope she will not. Personally, that's what I'd do (hell, that's what i've DONE).

You can sit down with your wife and start from the beggining... tell her about your feelings for her and about her and then explain what you did to find a certain peace and balance in your life and how you came to cheat on her. Difficult huh?

I will always remember a piece of advice I have heard somewhere about cheating: never "confess", it only serves your own conscience. Between you and me, she will be pissed at you weather its you who tells her or that friend no?

redcat · 11-06-2009, 10:40 AM

Like the others have said, clean up and shut up. IF this woman tells your wife (which I doubt), it's not going to matter much where the information comes from. She's going to be mad and she's going to be hurt!

Between now and that possible time, is when you have to decide what and how much you want to tell your wife.

Good luck, jimmy. Hope this is all needless worrying.

Jelly · 11-06-2009, 10:51 AM

Deny Deny Deny .. IF you were to "confess" hoping to save your marriage .. And things didn't work out in the end it could be BAD news. But if you are going to confess I'd tell her before someone else does.
If it were me I'd clean up any trail I had .. Then change my behavior. If you don't want to lose your wife .. Stop cheating. I guess it depends on whether or not you are willing to pay the ultimate price. Good Luck Jimmy .. I wish for the best for you

ldon · 11-06-2009, 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimmy-love-fl

I had a really rough night last night. I got a phone call from someone in my past from over a year ago. She basically told me she had told her best friend that we were together, and one night her best friend was drunk and they were driving by my billboard and she developed diarrhea of the mouth and started talking about how her friend had slept with this guy and how he was married. Well, she didn't take too well to it, because her husband cheated on her at some point, so she was on a mission. I guess they had talked enough about it, that she went through and found my old personal ad on Ashley Madison. I didn't even know it was still viewable by people but apparently it was. Not that it showed my face or anything, but for her it was confirmation.

She told them both she felt like she needed to tell my wife. They think they have her talked out of it, but it scares the shit out of me. Any thoughts, or suggestions?

Your face is on a billboard? How about at the post office?

FeIsTy FaV · 11-06-2009, 12:20 PM

Lie like a rug.....

jimmy-love-fl · 11-06-2009, 12:30 PM

She has had suspisions in the past so I'm pretty sure she would take the accusation seriously enough to dig and if she dug hard enough then I'm sure she could find enough to add up. I'm not telling her unless it's the last straw. I do think it's selfish. I have known many women that wishes there husbands never would have told them. The woman who told me is freaking out too. She is doing everything she can to shut this girl up and make sure she knows that she would be destroying a family all because she feels some need to get back at all the "scumbag" married men that cheat. She is telling her that her situation is between her and her husband and every situation is different and she doesn't know enough about my situation to get involved.

Brak_45 · 11-06-2009, 12:35 PM

Acting dumb works wonders.....women think we are clueless about feelings anyway...

Catman354 · 11-06-2009, 12:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curiousoneonly

OMG!

Um...I hope everything works out. I think you should delete your account, I would think you could make it so it isn't found thru a search.

Holy moly guacamole!

Dude.....I would just tell her the truth...I think it would be better coming from you.....Holy moly guacomole....I like that geez.....

Brink · 11-06-2009, 12:44 PM

Jimmy, as much as we all want to help you, you do know we’re not best placed to offer advice – this sounds like something you need a level-headed buddy for; someone who at least knows your wife and stuff! So, for what it’s worth...

What details does this friend of a friend actually know? If you can pinpoint exactly what she knows and might tell, then that gives you a chance to figure out ways to minimise the impact. Indeed, if she knows very little, it seems like you could just wait and see what happens next. If she approaches your wife, you could just brush it off as someone who’s got the wrong idea. The friend who told her was drunk after all. Billboard? As in ‘advertising’? So...you just say that’s what spurred the comments – someone with a fantasy! (hmmm, so why didn’t this friend convince her afterwards that it was just the drink and the billboard talking? That does seem a bit odd).

If she knows quantifiable facts and evidence (could a truly drunk person be that accurate?) and you’re pretty certain that she will tell, I think you should tell your wife something. Perhaps you can focus on the attempted coup by this friend of a friend and explain it that way – she might have an element of sympathy for you.

One good thing – it was a year ago, and whatever it was, it’s over now – you can impress that fact. You can say many things about how things were a year ago, and how you’ve lived with the guilt ever since, and hoped to never burden your wife because it’s all in the past. The woman it was with is also on your side; well, by the sounds of it. At least she’s not the actual instigator, who stops at nothing to grind her axe! It could be a lot worse!

Another thing, though – you've got more skeletons lurking about? Your wife might forgive the one indiscretion, but if this is not the first time or is likely to be the last, then that alters this advice!!! If this will end your marriage because she’s already sensitive to the subject, then do everything to keep it from her, but I’d take stock of your marriage in the process.

Ah, and head’s up please if any of them might turn up here!!

jimmy-love-fl · 11-06-2009, 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jelly

Deny Deny Deny .. IF you were to "confess" hoping to save your marriage .. And things didn't work out in the end it could be BAD news. But if you are going to confess I'd tell her before someone else does.
If it were me I'd clean up any trail I had .. Then change my behavior. If you don't want to lose your wife .. Stop cheating. I guess it depends on whether or not you are willing to pay the ultimate price. Good Luck Jimmy .. I wish for the best for you

I happen to agree with you. If it comes out that I've been cheating then it can't be good for custody battles, and could be a really ugly divorce. At least if I decided to end it myself one day, it would be on my own terms. The ugly truth is that she was not the first or the last. I had been with one woman before her, and I have been with one after. None of it was anything more than great sex, but even after that I ended up falling in love with someone whom I haven't slept with, so then it comes down to how much would you tell her and how much could she find out. It's better that she doesn't know in the end even for her own sake. I have seen first hand how much longer it takes to get over something like this. When my mom caught my dad he went all honest on her and told her he had cheated multiple times with multiple women. My brothers pushed that one on him. It took her years to get over that one, and she to this day wouldn't even want to be in the same city as him if she could help it. If he hadn't got caught and just told her he wasn't in love with her anymore and left, then things would have been very different.

The girl thinks she has talked her friend out of it for now, but you never know when she might just get pissed at men or drunk or what not. I think the girl just hates men personally. I think her husband cheated on her and the only way she can cope with that is to think that all men are evil. This is her way of getting back at men. The girl I was with was married at the time, and is now separated, but I don't see this girl threatening to go tell her husband.

Why is it the cheater is always the spawn of satan and the one cheated on is always the victim? Look at John Gosselin for instance. Sure he isn't being the best father or husband right now, but she kind of made him who he is today. She did nothing but berate him, make him feel small, and like he couldn't do anything right on national tv no less, and big shocker he ends up cheating on her. I'd have cheated on the B$%&^ too. Sorry, I'm just mad at this girl right now.

3pmac · 11-06-2009, 04:06 PM

WOW, just WOW.

I dont have any advice for you. I am very sorry though for all involved.

I hope it works out with the least amount of collateral damage!!!!!

This is the thing with real life affairs. You have to be prepared for this to happen. Doesnt matter 1 month or 10yrs down the road. It may never come to light but you just have work every angle before going the cheating route.

{{{{{Jimmy}}}}}

Shawn_N_Sandiego · 11-06-2009, 04:23 PM

Nope ... sounds like you're screwed

november · 11-06-2009, 04:50 PM

I have to agree..deny deny deny.
It will only hurt your wife..and she'll think it's true anyway. I would never ever admit i'd had an affair, it serves no purpose.

jmsmith12345 · 11-06-2009, 04:51 PM

Tell the bitch to mind her own fucking business and stick to keeping the skeletons in her closet neatly tucked away.

jimmy-love-fl · 11-06-2009, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmsmith12345

Tell the bitch to mind her own fucking business and stick to keeping the skeletons in her closet neatly tucked away.

Trust me, that's what I want to say, but I don't want to piss her off. yet...

wisconsin(m) · 11-06-2009, 05:07 PM

I guess if you play you pay.... WOW dude this could be tough, we all know of others that have been here. Allot of good advise here. Sounds like the general comment is to admit to nothing.............. show her how much you love her.

redcat · 11-06-2009, 05:08 PM

Jimmy...not knowing how much anyone knows, or how far they will go...might be wise, in your clean-up process, to remove your pics from your sig line, etc.

As far as the cheater being the spawn of satan and the one cheated on the victim...good question. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. And while the woman threatening to tell didn't (as far as we know) cheat..her actions, or lack of, may have led to her husband doing so. Are any of us truly blameless in this type of situation?

11-06-2009, 08:40 AM	#1
jimmy-love-fl Flirting God Join Date: Jan 2008 Age: 32 Posts: 5,042 My Mood: Thanks: 441 Thanked 498 Times in 384 Posts	I need advice I had a really rough night last night. I got a phone call from someone in my past from over a year ago. She basically told me she had told her best friend that we were together, and one night her best friend was drunk and they were driving by my billboard and she developed diarrhea of the mouth and started talking about how her friend had slept with this guy and how he was married. Well, she didn't take too well to it, because her husband cheated on her at some point, so she was on a mission. I guess they had talked enough about it, that she went through and found my old personal ad on Ashley Madison. I didn't even know it was still viewable by people but apparently it was. Not that it showed my face or anything, but for her it was confirmation. She told them both she felt like she needed to tell my wife. They think they have her talked out of it, but it scares the shit out of me. Any thoughts, or suggestions?

11-06-2009, 08:50 AM	#4
katydid2 Flirting Goddess Join Date: Aug 2009 Age: 46 Posts: 3,137 My Mood: Thanks: 1,015 Thanked 350 Times in 321 Posts	How scary for you. I would second Stew's question...is she close to your wife or even know her. Sounds like probably no. Can you get your ad/posts/whatever off Ashley Madison? That is probably a really good start if your wife could figure it out from there. The best friend hopefully is regretful about what she said and would not back up this person's story. In which case, she could be a nut with a crush on you or something...Maybe? I mean that is what you could tell your wife right off the bat. Hope it all works out OK. I think you can make it work. __________________ *Katy* *There always comes a time when one must choose between contemplation and action*

11-06-2009, 08:55 AM	#5
Curiousoneonly •.¸♥¸.•' Curious '•.¸♥¸.• Join Date: Jan 2009 Age: 43 Posts: 5,578 My Mood: Thanks: 858 Thanked 1,704 Times in 1,118 Posts	OMG! Um...I hope everything works out. I think you should delete your account, I would think you could make it so it isn't found thru a search. Holy moly guacamole! __________________ You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love. ~ Henry Drummond

11-06-2009, 08:57 AM	#6
Dragon_lady Frenchie pooo Join Date: May 2008 Age: 39 Posts: 11,291 My Mood: Thanks: 1,091 Thanked 1,161 Times in 864 Posts	Jimmy... you only have 2 choices here... tell or not to tell. You can wait and see if the "friend" will talk, and in the mean time you clean up as much stuff that can be linked to you and hope she will not. Personally, that's what I'd do (hell, that's what i've DONE). You can sit down with your wife and start from the beggining... tell her about your feelings for her and about her and then explain what you did to find a certain peace and balance in your life and how you came to cheat on her. Difficult huh? I will always remember a piece of advice I have heard somewhere about cheating: never "confess", it only serves your own conscience. Between you and me, she will be pissed at you weather its you who tells her or that friend no? __________________ hazel eyes: maybe u need to be on a leash, with a stern.. but kind master

11-06-2009, 10:51 AM	#11
Jelly Blah Blah Blah... Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: living MY way Age: 31 Posts: 7,646 My Mood: Thanks: 2,406 Thanked 1,400 Times in 964 Posts	Deny Deny Deny .. IF you were to "confess" hoping to save your marriage .. And things didn't work out in the end it could be BAD news. But if you are going to confess I'd tell her before someone else does. If it were me I'd clean up any trail I had .. Then change my behavior. If you don't want to lose your wife .. Stop cheating. I guess it depends on whether or not you are willing to pay the ultimate price. Good Luck Jimmy .. I wish for the best for you __________________

11-06-2009, 08:44 AM	#2
Stew Flirting God Join Date: Jun 2008 Age: 43 Posts: 1,386 My Mood: Thanks: 75 Thanked 216 Times in 155 Posts	Hey Jimmy, do you know this girl? Does she know your wife?

11-06-2009, 08:45 AM	#3
Waltert Who Knows or Cares? Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: western ny Age: 55 Posts: 1,580 Thanks: 2 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts	That is one thing about the net, it usually stays somewhere. Talk to your wife before she does.

11-06-2009, 09:00 AM	#7
Stew Flirting God Join Date: Jun 2008 Age: 43 Posts: 1,386 My Mood: Thanks: 75 Thanked 216 Times in 155 Posts	Hey Jimmy, This story just doesn't sound right somehow. Could this blast from the past who told you all this be spinning a story and wanting you to spill to your wife? I would not tell your wife, clean up things as Katy and DL have said. Good luck.

11-06-2009, 09:18 AM	#8
learman3 ~nutjob~ Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: No where in particular Age: 48 Posts: 4,078 My Mood: Thanks: 195 Thanked 507 Times in 417 Posts	What do you feel you should do? Do you want her to find out from someone else? Would you want to work with her to get past this? A number of questions you need to answer for yourself. It seems you care very much about your wife not finding out. So if this is going to hurt her that much, you need to step up and tell her. It's not going to be easy, but i think it would be even worse if someone else broke the news.

11-06-2009, 10:40 AM	#10
redcat Forum Leader Join Date: Sep 2007 Age: 53 Posts: 10,815 My Mood: Thanks: 1,500 Thanked 1,669 Times in 1,208 Posts Blog Entries: 8	Like the others have said, clean up and shut up. IF this woman tells your wife (which I doubt), it's not going to matter much where the information comes from. She's going to be mad and she's going to be hurt! Between now and that possible time, is when you have to decide what and how much you want to tell your wife. Good luck, jimmy. Hope this is all needless worrying.

11-06-2009, 12:20 PM	#13
FeIsTy FaV WOO'ed Join Date: May 2008 Location: PoDunk, USA Age: 46 Posts: 20,259 My Mood: Thanks: 3,004 Thanked 2,926 Times in 2,270 Posts	Lie like a rug..... __________________ Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead ~ Lucille Ball~

11-06-2009, 12:30 PM	#14
jimmy-love-fl Flirting God Join Date: Jan 2008 Age: 32 Posts: 5,042 My Mood: Thanks: 441 Thanked 498 Times in 384 Posts	She has had suspisions in the past so I'm pretty sure she would take the accusation seriously enough to dig and if she dug hard enough then I'm sure she could find enough to add up. I'm not telling her unless it's the last straw. I do think it's selfish. I have known many women that wishes there husbands never would have told them. The woman who told me is freaking out too. She is doing everything she can to shut this girl up and make sure she knows that she would be destroying a family all because she feels some need to get back at all the "scumbag" married men that cheat. She is telling her that her situation is between her and her husband and every situation is different and she doesn't know enough about my situation to get involved.

11-06-2009, 12:35 PM	#15
Brak_45 KIlty Pleasures Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: KC mo Age: 56 Posts: 1,131 My Mood: Thanks: 355 Thanked 114 Times in 104 Posts	Acting dumb works wonders.....women think we are clueless about feelings anyway... __________________ I stil live!---John Carter of the Barsoom

11-06-2009, 12:44 PM	#17
Brink "Man of few words" Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: U.K. Age: 39 Posts: 1,670 My Mood: Thanks: 708 Thanked 748 Times in 455 Posts	Jimmy, as much as we all want to help you, you do know we’re not best placed to offer advice – this sounds like something you need a level-headed buddy for; someone who at least knows your wife and stuff! So, for what it’s worth... What details does this friend of a friend actually know? If you can pinpoint exactly what she knows and might tell, then that gives you a chance to figure out ways to minimise the impact. Indeed, if she knows very little, it seems like you could just wait and see what happens next. If she approaches your wife, you could just brush it off as someone who’s got the wrong idea. The friend who told her was drunk after all. Billboard? As in ‘advertising’? So...you just say that’s what spurred the comments – someone with a fantasy! (hmmm, so why didn’t this friend convince her afterwards that it was just the drink and the billboard talking? That does seem a bit odd). If she knows quantifiable facts and evidence (could a truly drunk person be that accurate?) and you’re pretty certain that she will tell, I think you should tell your wife something. Perhaps you can focus on the attempted coup by this friend of a friend and explain it that way – she might have an element of sympathy for you. One good thing – it was a year ago, and whatever it was, it’s over now – you can impress that fact. You can say many things about how things were a year ago, and how you’ve lived with the guilt ever since, and hoped to never burden your wife because it’s all in the past. The woman it was with is also on your side; well, by the sounds of it. At least she’s not the actual instigator, who stops at nothing to grind her axe! It could be a lot worse! Another thing, though – you've got more skeletons lurking about? Your wife might forgive the one indiscretion, but if this is not the first time or is likely to be the last, then that alters this advice!!! If this will end your marriage because she’s already sensitive to the subject, then do everything to keep it from her, but I’d take stock of your marriage in the process. Ah, and head’s up please if any of them might turn up here!!

11-06-2009, 04:06 PM	#19
3pmac Too much time on my hands Join Date: Jul 2009 Age: 41 Posts: 1,161 My Mood: Thanks: 172 Thanked 213 Times in 178 Posts	WOW, just WOW. I dont have any advice for you. I am very sorry though for all involved. I hope it works out with the least amount of collateral damage!!!!! This is the thing with real life affairs. You have to be prepared for this to happen. Doesnt matter 1 month or 10yrs down the road. It may never come to light but you just have work every angle before going the cheating route. {{{{{Jimmy}}}}} __________________ I live in my own little World, But its OK,They know ME here Life begins at the end of your comfort zone

11-06-2009, 04:23 PM	#20
Shawn_N_Sandiego Forum Surfer Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Greatest place on earth Age: 38 Posts: 10,507 My Mood: Thanks: 2,927 Thanked 4,410 Times in 2,346 Posts Blog Entries: 30	Nope ... sounds like you're screwed __________________ I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things....I'm like Switzerland with a penis.

11-06-2009, 04:50 PM	#21
november Hippie Chick -HLDC member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: florida Age: 57 Posts: 1,762 My Mood: Thanks: 201 Thanked 224 Times in 184 Posts	I have to agree..deny deny deny. It will only hurt your wife..and she'll think it's true anyway. I would never ever admit i'd had an affair, it serves no purpose. __________________ Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age. Anais Nin

11-06-2009, 04:51 PM	#22
jmsmith12345 vaginas are weird Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: right behind you Age: 39 Posts: 10,859 My Mood: Thanks: 1,539 Thanked 3,495 Times in 2,119 Posts	Tell the bitch to mind her own fucking business and stick to keeping the skeletons in her closet neatly tucked away. __________________ "It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not." ~ Andre Gide

11-06-2009, 05:07 PM	#24
wisconsin(m) Ride Hard, Put away Wet Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Wisconsin Age: 43 Posts: 768 My Mood: Thanks: 153 Thanked 91 Times in 63 Posts	I guess if you play you pay.... WOW dude this could be tough, we all know of others that have been here. Allot of good advise here. Sounds like the general comment is to admit to nothing.............. show her how much you love her.

11-06-2009, 05:08 PM	#25
redcat Forum Leader Join Date: Sep 2007 Age: 53 Posts: 10,815 My Mood: Thanks: 1,500 Thanked 1,669 Times in 1,208 Posts Blog Entries: 8	Jimmy...not knowing how much anyone knows, or how far they will go...might be wise, in your clean-up process, to remove your pics from your sig line, etc. As far as the cheater being the spawn of satan and the one cheated on the victim...good question. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. And while the woman threatening to tell didn't (as far as we know) cheat..her actions, or lack of, may have led to her husband doing so. Are any of us truly blameless in this type of situation?